Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/11-4D

11-4D

 * Nominated by: 501st  dogma ( talk ) 16:02, June 30, 2012 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:Here's my last contribution to Barnburner 4, on its last day

Support

 * 1) Good job! Plagueis327 (talk) 18:01, June 30, 2012 (UTC)

Jangeth

 * Before I could continue my review, please cut down your intro. It's too long.  JangFett  (Talk) 15:34, July 1, 2012 (UTC)
 * Better? 501st  dogma ( talk ) 17:09, July 1, 2012 (UTC)
 * To be honest, I know many have their own views on intro sizes, but you could condense the intro to at least three paragraphs. While the article itself is long, the intro does not need to be that long. It has improved the last time I saw it but it could go down even more.  JangFett  (Talk) 03:29, July 2, 2012 (UTC)
 * Too short now? 501st  dogma ( talk ) 15:28, July 2, 2012 (UTC)
 * It was too short, so I beefed it up a bit. There, I think it's done. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 15:41, July 2, 2012 (UTC)
 * Much better.  JangFett  (Talk) 19:23, July 2, 2012 (UTC)
 * Specifically the first two bullet points in the affiliation parameter are not government or organizations that usually tend to be in the parameter. In the novel, did it say that 11-4D was affiliated with those two or did he just work/was there?
 * Deleted first two as he worked there/with them
 * Who is Venamis' apprentice and how was he captured?
 * Sorry, I meant Palpainte, Plagueis' apprentice. Fixed.
 * "11-4D later helped Plaguies with his work on the moon of Sojourn, where the Muun let the Venamis, who had been in a comatose state since his capture, die in front of Palpatine and 11-4D, and then brought the Bith back to life by using midi-chlorian manipulation. " This sentence could use some tweaking. Was Plagueis' work to let Venamis die? It does not make sense for 11-4D to help Plagueis and then you later bring in Venamis and say that Plagueis allowed Palpatine and the droid to watch him die. I could do into further detail if you want me to.  JangFett  (Talk) 15:51, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
 * Elaborated.
 * If the droid is a male, as said in the infobox and the intro, then you could use "he" as a way of describing him in the history section and beyond. Saying "its" sort of contradicts his male programming. Saying "the droid" as a way to describe him is fine, but saying "its" is a problem.
 * I went through the article and changed "it" to "he" for the most part before noming 11-4D, though I might have missed a few instances. I rewent over half the article and only managed to find one "it". If you find a signiificant amount of "it"s in a section, just let me know.
 * "The droid waited for the rest of the crew to return from the Kon'meas Spaceport in the main cabin space of the freighter, which was being held in a refrigerated hangar" I would avoid the usage of "was currently" since it sort of is a tense shift on its own. You could say "was held in," which is what I changed it to.
 * Sorry, did you fix that already, because "currently" is currently not there anymore.
 * Yes, I said that I changed it. :P  JangFett  (Talk) 15:51, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
 * Missed that. Sorry.
 * "11-4D was only able to dodge them by using the droid's ability to calculate trajectories" This is like the what I said above with "his." By saying "the droid's ability" in this sentence, it sounds like he's using a droid's ability and not his own.
 * Done.
 * "As the freighter reached the coordinates supplied by Plagueis and came out of hyperspace" A ship cannot reach the coordinates. Do you mean destination? I think this could use some tweaking as well. You could mention Plagueis supplied him the coordinates in the previous sentence.
 * Done.
 * I'll continue with "Tracking the force-sensitives"  JangFett  (Talk) 19:23, July 2, 2012 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the review. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 19:53, July 2, 2012 (UTC)
 * "In one of the Sith Lord's laboratories, which was newly outfitted with medical appendages, 11-4D" Could you clarify on who the Sith Lord is? Since you mentioned both Plagueis and Venamis.
 * Done.
 * "The droid's surgical appendages, replaced with a pair of utility arms, 11-4D and Plagueis arrived at Collider," This is like what I had mentioned before. Was "the droid's surgical appendages" separate? Or actually apart of 11-4D? It does not make sense for you to add the surgical appendages in the list if the latter.
 * Better?
 * "As Plagueis was inquiring about a massive winning streak the casino had seen recently, a Kubaz received one, and Plagueis left to check it out. " Received what?
 * Done.
 * "Plagueis and others viewed a databank containing images of gamblers who had broken the bank for numerous casinos" Particularly the "who had broken the bank for numerous casinos" is confusing. What do you mean by that? Did they rob a bank?
 * Better?
 * To keep the POV on the droid, was there any information regarding Plagueis leaving him on Sy Myrth?
 * That's all it said in the book. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 16:10, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
 * Not bad, I'll continue with Further service to Plagueis.  JangFett  (Talk) 15:51, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Savaged&hellip;

 * The opening sentence of the article strikes me as somewhat awkward. Would it be possible to axe the things bout "named after the droid's model number"? It's wordy, and I don't think it adds much.
 * Axed. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 11:35, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
 * The first meeting between 4D and Palpatine on Chandrilla seems superfluous to the broader narrative of the droid's life. I'd remove it from the intro and merely add a few words about Palpatine being Plagueis's apprentice when you next mention Palps. More later! ~ Savage BOB sig.png 11:27, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
 * Done. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 11:35, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
 * In the bio, what does it mean for a droid to be named after its model number? The way I understand it, the model number is the name.
 * Here's a Forum where I asked that question. Exiled seemed to think it was named after the number it is of the model (11th of the 4D batch for example, though he was not sure. The book says only that he was named after his model number, so should I just leave it like that?
 * The bio jumps back and forth between calling 11-4D "him" or "it." Either should be OK, but it should be used consistently.
 * I orginaly wrote the droid as an "it", before going to "he". Any "it"s you see are the ones that I missed changing the "he".
 * Went through with the find option on the computer and found all the "it"s referring to the droid and changed them. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 16:41, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
 * Maybe combine "Early occupations" with "Meeting the Sith"? It's a bit jarring that the first section sets 11-4D up to be separated from Lah, but that separation doesn't' occur until after a new section header and quote have intervened. It's the same incident that's being described above and below the section break, so I'd combine them into a single section.
 * Done.
 * The fact that Lah confronted the Muun while the others stayed in the main cabin seems to be play-by-play to me. I'd axe the line or simply say that Lah confronted Plagueis and be done with it.
 * Axed the whole thing, as I don't mention Lah again.
 * "was only able to dodge them" -- dodge what, lightsaber strikes or blaster bolts?
 * Done.
 * "After the freighter reached its destination and came out of hyperspace, 11-4D was at the control console when he responded to Plagueis' queries on how the droid became part of the Woebegone crew" -- Not sure why this is relevant; seems PBP to me. You could just say that during the journey, Plagueis asked about 11-4D's past with the crew or something and be done with it.
 * Better?
 * The bit about the ship being slagged is confusing. Was 11-4D on the ship or not? And why did he record it?
 * Done.
 * The fact that they took an elevator is PBP in my opinion. More later... :) ~ Savage BOB sig.png 15:32, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
 * Axed. Thanks for the review. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 16:33, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
 * OK, a bit more: "Plagueis and 11-4D after Palptine killed his parents." The antecedent on "his" isn't clear here.
 * You fixed it right?
 * The paragraph about Palpatine's kidnapping goes on in great detail about a bunch of stuff that doesn't directly concern 11-4D. Could it be pared down at all?
 * Cut a bit out. Is more cutting needed?
 * "The droid came within a meter of Plagueis before he was forced to take himself through a self-diagnosis routine due to the five disks stuck in the droid" I'm not sure what this sentence is saying. What are these five discs and why are they suddenly pertinent?
 * Better?
 * The final paragraph of "Assassination attempt" includes some play-by-play, like 11-4D greeting Palps. Maybe just say 11-4D guided Palps on the Senator's first visit and condense the two points into one.
 * Done.
 * Are the attendees (Ephant Mon and Diva) on Sojourn really important to 11-4D's bio?
 * Done.
 * Who invited them to visit Tatooine? Jabba himself? I'd reword this active voice to indicate.
 * Done
 * The note that they drank wine seems superfluous to the droid's bio in my opinion.
 * Done.
 * "11-4D later shuffled in confusion at this turn of events." What does it mean to shuffle in confusion? I'll get to P&T and BTS next! ~ Savage BOB sig.png 16:11, July 8, 2012 (UTC)
 * That's what it said in the book.... 501st  dogma ( talk ) 22:42, July 13, 2012 (UTC)

Comments

 * Sorry for the delay dogma. I'm waiting for Bob to finish up his review.  JangFett  (Talk) 04:38, August 6, 2012 (UTC)