Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Gav Daragon


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Gav Daragon

 * Nominated by:  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 03:08, October 9, 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: None really.

(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]](talk) 23:09, November 30, 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 01:04, January 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) —Tommy9281  Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( Mechno-chair ) 05:27, January 20, 2010 (UTC)
 * 4)  Jonjedigrandmaster  Jedi symbol.svg ( We seed the stars ) 23:16, February 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5)  CC7567  (talk) 20:45, March 17, 2010 (UTC)
 * 6) &mdash;  Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 22:05, March 21, 2010 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Nayayen
 * 2) * There are various battles that should be linked in the intro.
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * I don't believe that the amulets actually glowed, just "tingled".
 * 5) **Addressed.
 * 6) * You must mention that Jori was taken to the decoy fortress.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) * I personally think that replacing File:Naga Sadow NEGTC.jpg with one of him mentoring Gav would be more appropriate.
 * 9) **I have some problems regarding that. I'll get on it soon.
 * 10) ***I'm much more ambivalent about the ones in the next objection but I really don't think that this one supports/is overly relevant to the text. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]](talk) 14:10, October 30, 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) ****Finally addressed.
 * 12) * Same as above for the Atlas and meditation sphere images. With the latter, I think it would be more relevant to have an image from Dogs.
 * 13) **Same response as above.
 * 14) ***Addressed.
 * 15) * "Withdrawing to his meditation sphere, Sadow informed Daragon that he would be leading the main fleet." It isn't clear who "he" is here.
 * 16) **Addressed.
 * 17) * The "crawl" in End of an Empire states that Sadow "triggered a secret weapon" to cause the supernova, not the Force.
 * 18) **Addressed.
 * 19) *Mostly minor things here that don't dull a good read. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]](talk) 23:37, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) Blacklist:
 * 21) * In the intro you say that the Daragons hyperspace jumped into the Unknown Regions and arrived in the Sith Empire; as far as I know, Korriban is in the Outer Rim Territories.
 * 22) **At that time period that area was in the Unknown Regions, as the area was unexplored. The Unknown Regions is not a fixed region in the galaxy, it is the parts of the galaxy that have not been mapped at that time.
 * 23) *** Then you might want to make mention of that in the BtS or something, because when someone who is unfamiliar with the subject matter reads "Unknown Regions," they tend to associate that with where the Yuuzhan Vong are from. I would prefer if you just said "Outer Rim" instead of "Unknown Regions," but it's up to you.
 * 24) ****I don't really feel it necessary to explain this in the BtS; this article is about Gav, not Korriban. Also, I would prefer to say the Unknown Regions since it was the Unknown Regions at the time.
 * 25) ***** You have to change it. The comic only says "into the unknown..." meaning unknown to the Daragons. It never specifically states that they went to the "Unknown Regions," but simply an uncharted area of space. We know the actual "Unknown Regions," no matter what era, to be where the Yuuzhan Vong came from. Claiming that the Daragons went into the actual "Unknown Regions" is wrong, and this will not pass FAN until the error is corrected and the factual information is added.
 * 26) ******Fine. Replaced with "an uncharted area of space".
 * 27) * The last sentence of the first paragraph of the intro and the first sentence of the second paragraph of the intro both begin with "although."
 * 28) **Addressed.
 * 29) * "As a shocked Gav stood over Aarrba's body, he was confronted by Jori, who blamed him for Aarrba's death. Overwhelmed by emotion, Daragon fled from his sister, and returned to his flagship. No longer loyal to Naga Sadow, and feeling that he needed to put a stop to the violence, Daragon went to Primus Goluud where Sadow was cloistered in his Sith Meditation Sphere, conjuring illusions for the war effort." Some brief context on why Gav was no longer loyal to Naga Sadow.
 * 30) * You mention early in the bio that Gav was first trained by the Jedi but you never mention this in the intro.
 * 31) * Further on that point, why did he neglect to fully join the Order?
 * 32) **He never really explains.
 * 33) * At several points in the article you make mention of "Tetans." This term did not come into use until the system was renamed after the warrior Empress, so you'll need to reword each instance in which "Tetan" appears.
 * 34) * "Together, the two Jedi used an exotic Force power known as battle meditation, which could strengthen the morale and resolve of the Tetan soldiers and heighten the fears and doubts of the Kirrek rebels. The battle meditation turned out to be an enormous success, and the Tetan forces were able to drive back the rebels." You use battle meditation too close in two consecutive sentences. Please reword.
 * 35) **Addressed.
 * 36) * "However, they were interrupted by the same two men that Gav had encountered earlier; this time, the men revealed their allegiance to Ssk Kahorr and attacked. Gav and Jori attempted to escape, and were pursued through the streets on Cinnagar, before being cornered in a dead-end alley. However, the two were saved by Memit Nadill and Odan-Urr, who happened to be passing through the area." However is used too close in these three sentences, and reads a little unwieldy. Please reword.
 * 37) **Addressed.
 * 38) * The latter part of the first paragraph in The Sith Empire section needs to be reworked to read more from Gav's POV. There are far to many "theys," making the article seem like it's about both of the Daragon kids.
 * 39) **Addressed.
 * 40) * Again, the third paragraph of the same section reads like it is from a combined biography of Gav and Jori Daragon. Please rectify this.
 * 41) **Addressed.
 * 42) * "Arriving after the attack had taken place, Ludo Kressh found Sadow's emblem at the scene, infuriating him. Angered by Sadow's treachery, Kressh gathered two of his allies, Horak-mul and Dor Gal-ram, to attack Sadow's citadel on Khar Delba. What would ensue was the pivotal Battle of Khar Delba." This needs to be shortened considerably, or at least made more relevant to the subject in question, since it goes quite far off the beaten path of Gav Daragon's bio.
 * 43) **Addressed.
 * 44) *** "Angered by Sadow's treachery, Kressh gathered two of his allies, Horak-mul and Dor Gal-ram, and launched an Battle of Khar Delba on Sadow." Huh?
 * 45) ****Whoops. Forgot to add the |attack]] Fixed.
 * 46) * "Meanwhile, in the battle, Sadow ordered a secret fleet in orbit around Khar Shian to attack Kressh's forces, decimating them. In addition to this, Sadow ordered the crew of Horak-mul and Dor Gal-ram's ships, in reality double agents, to attack and kill their masters. Finding himself with only one ship remaining, Ludo Kressh retreated and fled. The Battle of Khar Delba had been won." Same issue as the previous objection.
 * 47) **Addressed.
 * 48) * I don't know where, but you need to state somewhere that Sadow became Dark Lord of the Sith. I was able to incorporate it in the intro, but you'll have to figure out where in Gav's bio it should go.
 * 49) **Addressed.
 * 50) * "Sadow and Daragon promptly received a message from Kressh, proclaiming that Sadow was a traitor. After receiving this message, Daragon was ordered to activate the automated systems that would jam the transmission." "Received" and "message" are used too close to each other in two consecutive sentences.
 * 51) **Addressed.
 * 52) * Gav learned more than just the ways of the dark side; he was taught Sith magic. You make no mention of this anywhere other than in a quote or two and an image caption.
 * 53) **Addressed.
 * 54) * The infobox says Gav's eyes are blue but the main image shows Gav with brown eyes. You might want to explain this discrepancy in the BtS.
 * 55) **I already had.
 * 56) *** I overlooked that, my fault. The statement needs to be sourced though.
 * 57) ****Sourced.
 * 58) * These should keep you busy for a while. I'm sure there will be a few more after that. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 23:45, January 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 59) * The first three sentences in the second paragraph of The Great Hyperspace War section begin with "Daragon." The whole paragraph is overloaded with "Daragons," and really needs to switched up a whole lot.
 * 60) **Addressed.
 * 61) * The same problem plagues the first paragraph of the Death section.
 * 62) **Addressed.
 * 63) * The first paragraph of the Legacy section really has nothing to do with Gav, except for the last sentence. I would suggesting removing all that filler and incorporating that last sentence into the next paragraph.
 * 64) **Addressed.
 * 65) * "&hellip;which led him to willingly serve Naga Sadow to help him give her a better life." Who is the one giving "her" a better life? Please specify.
 * 66) **Addressed.
 * 67) The Grand Master
 * 68) * Underlinking in the intro and (to a lesser extent) the body.
 * 69) **Addressed.
 * 70) * Mentioning "luck" or saying "luckily" is too POV.
 * 71) **Addressed.
 * 72) ***"Soon afterward, their luck seemingly changed for the better&hellip;" More "luck" here, also, why the speculation? Seemingly? Did it or didn't it? (Judging by the following events, I don't think it did)
 * 73) ****I don't mean "luck" as it being lucky for them, but merely as a turn of phrase indicating that the way events had been going for them had changed. And I said "seemingly" because it seemed to them that their luck had changed, because Kahorr was using their hyperlane; however, it turned out that it was not good for them.
 * 74) *****Well, the point remains that their luck obviously didn't change; and either way, this is still POV. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi Beacon ) 00:43, February 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 75) ******Eh. Addressed.
 * 76) * I don't think the Sith Empire thought it had been "lost for centuries," the Sith probably knew exactly where they were: again, too POV.
 * 77) **Addressed.
 * 78) * No article for Sadow's citadel?
 * 79) **Addressed.
 * 80) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jedi Beacon ) 01:35, February 3, 2010 (UTC)
 * 81) Attack of the Clone
 * 82) * "Overwhelmed by emotion, Daragon fled from his sister and returned to his flagship." If it's a unique subject (which I'm quite sure it is), can this flagship get a proper link?
 * 83) **Created and linked.
 * 84) * "Sadow secretly took a task force of Sith Massassi warriors to Ziost and attacked the fortress, ordering the Massassi to go to the prisoner level and take the Daragons, making sure they were not harmed." Please fix this run-on somehow so that it's not so long-winded.
 * 85) **Addressed.
 * 86) * I'd recommend that you be consistent throughout the article and primarily use the more proper "Daragon" surname for him. If you clarify early on that the name is meant for him and not his sister (even using "Daragon's sister" more, possibly), there should not be room for confusion. As it stands, the amount of times that you switch back and forth between the two names is rather dizzying.
 * 87) **Addressed.
 * 88) * Specifically, whose control was the Starbreaker 12 hangar under?
 * 89) **Addressed.
 * 90) * "Ludo Kressh had returned in his flagship": a link to the specific ship, perhaps?
 * 91) **Created and linked.
 * 92) * Does this article have any relevance to him, and if so, can it be linked somewhere?
 * 93) **Addressed.
 * 94) * "Sadow informed Daragon that he would be leading the main fleet. He led the Sith force": too many unspecific "he"s and not enough context to provide enough clarification for who's who.
 * 95) **Addressed.
 * 96) * Since you already include his mentions in Jedi vs. Sith and the Atlas in the in-universe Legacy section, can you also include those that he received in the NEGTC and the NEC?
 * 97) **I don't really see how i can incorporate the NEGTC, since it is not presented as an in-universe publication. However, I mentioned the NEC.
 * 98) * Although you outline the issue between the conflicting sources on his eye color in the Bts, can you clarify which interpretation the article follows? (i.e. "This article assumes that ")
 * 99) **Addressed.
 * 100) *Please watch how many times you start off a sentence with "however." You were very close to exhausting the use of the conjunction. Additionally, please continue to watch your linking.  CC7567  (talk) 05:47, March 16, 2010 (UTC)

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