Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Alema Rar


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Alema Rar

 * Nominated by: -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 16:50, 2 August 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: This time last summer, I began work on Alema. In that time, I've learned a lot about level of detail, writing, article flow and the need to steer clear of melodrama. Due to the article's long and extensive time in the workshop, and its numerous revisions, you may still find small indications of this habit. For that I apologise. I also apologise for Alema's long length; she stands now as the 9th longest (though I removed over 16,000 bytes of over-detail in the last week) article on the site. Anyway, I don't expect anything much for a while so we can sit back and watch her stew for as long as it takes. -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 16:50, 2 August 2009 (UTC)

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Support

Object
 * 1) IFYLOFD, Part 1:
 * 2) *"The two Twi'lek girls were eventually rescued from their bleak existence" Bleak is sorta POVish.
 * 3) **It really isn't. Graestan ( Talk ) 23:55, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) *Give more context in the intro on the Yuuzhan Vong invasion.
 * 5) **Have a look.
 * 6) *In the intro, give info on the Mission to Myrkr's objective.
 * 7) *"who had been abducted by Dark Jedi Lomi Plo and Welk during the mission" What mission? Clarify.
 * 8) *Give context on what a "Night Herald" is in the intro.
 * 9) *Give context in the intro on the Dark Nest Crisis and the Swarm War.
 * 10) *"Rar was eager to exact her own form of revenge upon Organa Solo and Skywalker." In the intro, "own form" links to The Balance. How is it a form of revenge? IIRC it was merely her philosophy.
 * 11) **Good point, that is a tenuous pipelink.
 * 12) *Context in the intro for the One Sith, and her dalliance with them should be expanded upon a little bit there.
 * 13) *"the fallen Jedi was tracked down to the late Lumiya's retreat," If you're going to call her "the late Lumiya", give context on her death.
 * 14) *"Together, they witnessed much of the cruelty and hardships of the galaxy. " Such as?
 * 15) *"hand-to-mouth existence" Somewhat colloquial.
 * 16) **Not really. Graestan ( Talk ) 23:55, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) *Why did the Rar sisters want everyone else to believe they were only one person? Clarify.
 * 18) *"killing seven million" Seven million what?
 * 19) *"The Rar sisters were only just able to flee in time, hiding with several thousand other beings aboard a fleet of intrasystem ore miners until help arrived in the form of the Corellian cruiser Nebula Chaser, already loaded with refugees." Break this up.
 * 20) *Is there an article for the star system where the Nebula Chaser came under attack? If so, link it, if not make one.
 * 21) *"With their power to shut down their presences in the Force having no effect," No effect on what?
 * 22) *"On the way they had to abandon their lightsabers, in order to trick the Yuuzhan Vong who questioned them, and thus when the voxyn intercepted the Rar sisters as they entered an escape pod in one of the cruiser's launch bays, they had only the Force to defend themselves against the creature's many natural weapons." Break this up.
 * 23) *Context on Anakin Solo in The path to Myrkr.
 * 24) *Context on Jacen Solo.
 * 25) *"Alema Rar, on the other hand, was the principal adherent of the view that the means justified the ends" Do you mean "the ends justified the means"?
 * 26) **So comes the lowest moment in my editing career.
 * 27) *Context on what a Force Meld is.
 * 28) *"Kore soon managed to bring about the death of the voxyn" How could she do this if she was being tortured? Clarify.
 * 29) *"The Exquisite Death traveled faster toward Myrkr." Merge this with the preceding sentence.
 * 30) *"as well as going on point with the young man," What do you mean by "going on point"?
 * 31) *How did they know that Rhysode was on the bridge?
 * 32) *"the Jedi prepared either to enter hibernation trances to recover from their trauma, or to hunt down the remaining voxyn roaming the vessel's ventilation ducts." You mention this like it is a choice they needed to make, burt you don't speak of it again. What did they do?
 * 33) *Did they know that the voxyn queen was on Baanu Rass? If so, mention it before.
 * 34) *Any info on Alema's previous experience as an insertion agent? Was it on New Plympto?
 * 35) *"new silver-bladed lightsaber." Any info on when she got this? You state she left her lightsaber behind on the Nebula Chaser.
 * 36) *You use the word "warren" repeatedly in "Insertion on Baanu Rass". Vary it up.
 * 37) *"She and a similarly comatose Welk were taken to safety by Veila and Tekli while the team set up an ambush for the pursuing Yuuzhan Vong warrior contingent. The unconscious Twi'lek went hidden and unscathed as the warriors were successfully routed and ambushed." Two uses of "ambush". Vary it up.
 * 38) *You say that Eryl Besa was "lost" during the ambush, but after describing Anakin's wound you say she died "shortly thereafter". Which is it? Clarify.
 * 39) *"laid her enemies low." What do you mean by this? Killing them?
 * 40) **Yep, but I changed it up.
 * 41) *" as well as the resources of smuggling and intelligence kingpin Talon Karrde." I don't think "resources" is the correct word here.
 * 42) *Tell what the plan to find out how the Yuuzhan Vong were tracking refugee ships.
 * 43) *Link to the Duel in the Well of the World Brain in the first paragraph of Knighting and service under Kre'fey.
 * 44) **Added.
 * 45) *Tell how Jacen survived Myrkr, since you state that they felt his disappearance in the Force.
 * 46) *Why did they want to capture Vergere if she had helped Jacen? Clarify.
 * 47) *Context on Corran Horn.
 * 48) **Added
 * 49) *"Vergere, who had been hidden aboard the Ralroost," The way this is worded makes it sound like someone else hid her there; if that is the case, clarify who.
 * 50) **Changed it to "who had been hiding"
 * 51) *Mention Lah's death during the Battle of Ebaq 9.
 * 52) **Added.
 * 53) *"the eight devices were cannibalized to fix the Golan II's broken hyperdrive. " I don't think cannibalized is the correct word here.
 * 54) **It's a very common usage in terms of technology. Graestan ( Talk ) 23:55, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) *"Once the majority of the convoy's vessels had been immobilized, Rar joined the attack on the coralskippers protecting the convoy." Two uses of "convoy", vary it up.
 * 56) *"the convoy was soon boarded by Galactic Alliance troops. " The way this is worded makes it sound like there was only one ship in the convoy. Were all the ships boarded?
 * 57) *"emerged as expected in the Calamari system." Why would they expect this?
 * 58) *Is there an article for the squadron Alema commanded in the Battle of Mon Calamari?
 * 59) *Context on what a yammosk is.
 * 60) *Context on Alpha Red.
 * 61) *More to come.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 07:41, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) **Thanks for diving in Floyd, I will start dealing with these objections properly soon, I just need to set up shop with all my books and stuff and I'm pretty exhausted at the moment. Probably tomorrow or Monday. -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 17:29, 8 August 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * I left in a "physical appearance" section due to Alema's...ah...somewhat unique nature as a many-times-mutilated Twi'lek. If enough people think that it's extraneous I have no problem with removing it. -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 16:50, 2 August 2009 (UTC)
 * I count 6 redlinks: Missile hold, Proton detonator, Message dinghy, Containment line, Resort satellite & Emergency decompression helmet. You might want to see to these whilst waiting for reviews. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]] talk  15:34, 3 August 2009 (UTC)
 * While I know it's generally bad taste to nominate an article with redlinks, I will get these done during the review process. -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 12:24, 4 August 2009 (UTC)