Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Lorn Pavan


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Lorn Pavan

 * Nominated by:  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 18:05, 17 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Took me long enough...

(5 Inqs/3 Users/8 Total/INQCON 5)
Support
 * 1) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 20:39, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Jinzler 17:05, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  The Flash  {talk} 17:15, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) —Tommy9281  Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No quarter given, all exits sealed ) 00:05, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) --Eyrezer 21:45, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) I only regret that I can't give an Inqvote for this. Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 16:10, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) Nice. --  —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 17:50, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Cylka  -talk- 18:31, 24 June 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) There is no info in the "Legacy" section about when Jax Pavan sees the holographic message left by Lorn in I5, in Pattens of Force --Jinzler 21:29, 17 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *Good catch. Added.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 22:21, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Blacklist:
 * 4) * "In 32 BBY, Pavan became the target of a Sith Lord, who sought to recover a holocron with pivotal information and kill anyone who had knowledge of it." I think that the identity of the Sith Lord needs to be revealed here. When you introduce him several sentences later, it reads like we already knew who you were talking about.
 * 5) **I think this annoying anon added that. I intentionally do not identify Maul ever because Lorn never knows the Sith's identity. If you want him to be identified, then I can do so, but I'd prefer not to. At any rate, I've removed the references to "Maul".  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 12:11, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *** You know, I figured that's what you were going for. I'm cool with you leaving his identity totally anonymous. Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No quarter given, all exits sealed ) 12:05, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * "He knew that the only weapon capable of doing such was a lightsaber, and that no Jedi would have violently killed in that manner. Thus, Pavan felt, a Sith had to have been responsible, even though he had learned that the Sith Order had supposedly been wiped out a millennia ago." If the text from Shadow Hunter says this then fine, but if not, this statement needs to be sourced. Also, there should be a link for the year in which the Sith were supposedly wiped out.
 * 8) **Shadow Hunter does say as much. Link added.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 00:30, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * Same thing in the body. You go from calling Maul a "hooded Zabrak" or somesuch to abruptly referring to him as "Maul". This needs to be made known when he is first introduced.
 * 10) **An anon did that. As explained above, I purposefully don't reveal the Sith's identity.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 12:11, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) *** Same sentiment as my statement above. Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No quarter given, all exits sealed ) 12:05, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) *Otherwise, very compelling story. I felt like I was there. Tommy9281  Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No quarter given, all exits sealed ) 16:46, 12 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) From the desk of Atarumaster88
 * 14) * "Zabrak Sith found him a short time" Missing word?
 * 15) **Added.
 * 16) * Also, I piped a link to Darth Maul in the intro, but I really think there needs to be a bit of explanation on Palps's involvement in his death in the intro. As much fun as it is to prolong the suspense, being encyclopediac trumps the dramatic.
 * 17) **Added a bit of an explanation. Hope it's good enough.
 * 18) * "Pavan was instantly terrified by the man, recognizing him as a Sith Lord. The Human narrowly avoided being decapitated" Some explanation on what happens between those two sentences, i.e. Maul started killing people, would be good.
 * 19) **Well, "fled along with I-5 while the Sith slaughtered Yanth and his bodyguards" was in there already. Does that suffice, or would you like more explanation?
 * 20) * "The three then quickly absconded" Absconded with what/
 * 21) **Changed.
 * 22) * This may seem nitpicky, but I'm really not happy with the names of some of the refs. It may be clever to label Street of Shadows as a "lame book", but if a reader hovers their cursor over the ref, they'll see that name. I'm sure it was unintentional, but that basically injects POV and author bias into the article. Acronyms and abbreviations are fine, but I'm not happy with ref names like "lame book" or "awful book".
 * 23) **Nah, that's a valid objection. I thought I was being clever with those refs :P, but I understand your sentiment completely and have changed them.
 * 24) * "Once Pavan gave his son over to the Jedi Order, only to be fired," Unclear antecedent in "only to be fired."
 * 25) **Addressed.
 * 26) * P&T should mention his unique take on droids. Also, I feel it could be expanded to discuss his general take on life; there's plenty of P&T worthy material in Shadow Hunter.
 * 27) **Expanded.
 * 28) * Is it worth mentioning in BTS that all of his other novel mentions were in books by Reaves?
 * 29) **Yes, I thought about adding that intitially, and now have done so.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 12:33, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) *Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 15:36, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) From the husk of Ithor of Harrar
 * 32) * Intro - "After a terrifying time..." &mdash; this sounds a bit off, "a terrifying time" sounds like its out of a kid's adventure book...''and we all know that Star Wars is not for kids ;P
 * 33) **Yeah, I didn't like this phrasing when I wrote it. Changed; I hope it's satisfactory.
 * 34) * In general, Chack, do we think it's okay to refer to I-5YQ as I-5? Is it like referring to R2-D2 as "R2" and too nicknamey? I'd like to know your thoughts on this.
 * 35) **I think it is. Pavan refers to him as I-5, and I don't think it's too nicknamey. If you feel it is, I'm fine with changing it is, however.
 * 36) * "Pavan was outraged by his firing" - not sure about the gerund here. Maybe, "Pavan was outraged by the loss of his job" or something similar?
 * 37) **Used your suggestion. Hope you don't mind. :P
 * 38) * "He woke up the next morning with a hangover, although I-5 was able to rid Pavan of it with a screech from his vocabulator." I think this needs explaining better, because for the uninitiated it just seems counter-intuitive. Let me know if you want ideas.
 * 39) **I just removed this, because it seemed a bit trivial.
 * 40) * "he had a holocron of an impending blockade" &mdash; something seems missing here. A holocron "of" makes it sound like a "picture of". Re-word, preferably making it clear that it contains the information
 * 41) **Changed.
 * 42) * "such as winning big in sabacc" - a little colloquial, but I'll ignore it if you put up a fight!
 * 43) **Heh, I like this phrasing. I think it fits, and isn't that colloquial. Hope that "fight" convinced you. :P
 * 44) * "As he neared Monchar's room in the building, he was struck by a sudden shockwave from an explosion in Monchar's room, knocking him unconscious for a moment. When he awoke, he noticed several corpses nearby. One of them, he realized, was Monchar's. Glancing in the Neimoidian's burnt and blackened apartment, he noticed the holocron laying in an open safe. He quickly grabbed it and then fled the building" &mdash; I think we need to mix up some of these "he's". Watch out for this in general; while it's not really that confusing, it can edge towards monotony.
 * 45) **Good point. Changed several of them.
 * 46) * "However, he did have misgivings about ditching Assant" - can we re-word "ditching"? A bi informal I feel
 * 47) **Yep, fixed.
 * 48) * Finally, I'd move the section about the recording Pavan made out of the Legacy section so it flows chronologically.
 * 49) **Done. Hope you like it.
 * 50) *A real success in distilling such a tense and exciting narrative into encyclopedia-form. Nice going Chack, a pleasure to Inq this first. -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 21:00, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) **Thanks, I'll do the rest tomorrow.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 22:44, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) Cylka:
 * 53) * In the intro, I would add in a bit of context as to why he was fired after agreeing to have Jax trained. An average reader tends to forget about the Jedi philosophy.
 * 54) **Did so.
 * 55) * Fortunately for them, a bridge - This sounds a bit POVish.
 * 56) **Changed.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 15:21, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) *Other than that, a really interesting read, Chack. Cylka  -talk- 08:10, 24 June 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * Thanks for the reviews.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 00:30, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Chack, is there any in this interview (http://web.archive.org/web/20050307221915/www.starwars.com/eu/lit/novel/f20010129/indexp2.html) that you reckon could be interesting/useful? It's a habit of mine I guess, but some of stuff Reaves says about their partnership might be helpful. Up to you. -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 21:21, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Hmm, thanks for the info, but it seems to be more about I-5 and Reaves than Lorn, so I chose not to use it.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 15:21, 24 June 2009 (UTC)