Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/First Battle of the Graveyard


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

First Battle of the Graveyard

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 20:02, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:I nominated this a long time ago, and to say the least, it went terribly. Hopefully this time, it doesn't go so badly. :)

(5 Inqs/3 Users/8 Total/INQCON 5)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 19:58, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 20:22, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Thefourdotelipsis 23:37, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Xicer9 [[Image:atgar.svg|20px]]( Combadge) 01:23, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 18:56, 31 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:22, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7)  —Xwing328 (Talk) 03:47, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Imperialles 22:34, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) From the Moffship of Grand Moff Tranner:
 * 2) * Before I even review it, the infobox needs to be sourced. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 20:06, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) **Sourced and addressed Kilson Likes PIE 01:00, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * 4) * You could also probably get rid of the Dark Force Rising ref. You could easily source the "of Alderaan" part to the game itself. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 16:46, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) **Sorry, I was trying to source the fact that Bail was the Viceroy of Alderaan. I moved the references a little to make it clearer. Kilson Likes PIE 22:44, 11 May 09 (UTC)
 * 6) ***Really, you don't even need a ref for it, especially since Dark Force Rising has nothing to do with this battle. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 22:47, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ****OK, it is gone, thanks for the advise. Kilson Likes PIE 02:11, 12 May 09 (UTC)
 * 8) * And one final objection: I'm pretty sure the "Victory-class Star Destroyers" that you mention are really similarly-named Victory II-class frigates. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 14:49, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) **Changed
 * 10) Xicer
 * 11) * I'm pretty sure Han wasn't a General until Return of the Jedi.
 * 12) **That's what I thought, but in the game, he's called General.
 * 13) ***Well, I highly doubt he would've gotten a General's commission right after he joined the Alliance. I'm more inclined to think its a pet name his squadron calls him by, since most other sources concerning Renegade Squadron refer to him as Commander. I think you should at least change General to Commander to remove any confusion.
 * 14) ****Well, it was General while being a GA and nobody had a problem with it, and I think it would better to go with what canon says, not what we think. Kilson Likes PIE 02:59, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * 15) *****The only time I heard him referred to as General was in the opening cutscene, which takes place well after the Battle of Endor. Either way I think its best that the title not be used at all so it doesn't conflict with pre-existing canon.
 * 16) ******I guess you're right, I got rid of all of the references to General I could find in the article. If you find any more, feel free to get rid of them.
 * 17) * "While on the planet, the Renegade were by IG-88 and Imperial forces." There's a word missing somewhere in there.
 * 18) *Good job. Xicer9 atgar.svg( Combadge) 20:47, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) **Sorry, missed that when I was doing a reader through. I addressed it. Thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 01:00, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * 20) Should it be "The Graveyard," capital T? I don't think it should, and the Graveyard article doesn't capitalise it. Please check canon and move/change article if necessary. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 00:50, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) *It was the, CC changed it. Kilson Likes PIE 02:45, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * 22) Since you got off IRC before I could post them
 * 23) * The sentence starting with "In the months following..." is a bit choppy; the fleet is under command of Solo, but it's also centered around Renegade Squadron, so it's a bit confusing and also a run-on.
 * 24) * Unclear as to where specifically Fett tried to steal the holocron. It sounds like he stole it aboard his ship, and if it's that, it's not established that Renegade Squadron was on his ship in the first place.
 * 25) * "Advised about" needs to be reworded.
 * 26) * "General Solo and his Wookiee co-pilot, Chewbacca, launched the Millennium Falcon": launched from where?
 * 27) * "eventually causing enough damage to Slave I that it forced Fett to leave the battle and jump to hyperspace. This forced the Imperials to retrieve the holocron themselves." The word "forced" is used twice; please diversify word choice.
 * 28) **"made...have to" is extremely awkward; please reword.
 * 29) ***How about now.
 * 30) * "to take care of" is too colloquial.
 * 31) * "With the way clear to leave": please reword.
 * 32) **I didn't mean the sentence; this specific phrase needs rewording, and it hasn't changed. Please check again.  CC7567  (talk) 18:11, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) ***Sorry, how about now?
 * 34) * "Ackbar was able to examine the holocron for prospective worlds to act as a new Rebel base." Infinitive verbs ("to ") are excessively used twice; please reword.
 * 35) *Looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 04:13, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) **Addressed, thanks again for the review CC. Kilson Likes PIE 16:42, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * 37) IFYLOFD:
 * 38) *Mention that the Graveyard was the remains of Alderaan, since you don't directly state it in the intro.
 * 39) * Context on the Death Star in the intro.
 * 40) * "The Rebels were able to defeat the Fett," The Fett? Did you mean to say "the bounty hunter" or just "Fett"?
 * 41) * Why were the Rebels forced to retreat from Yavin? If there's a battle article for it, link to it.
 * 42) **Um... there already is, the Evacuation of Yavin
 * 43) * Any quotes for the sections in the main body?
 * 44) * "Ackbar hoped that the Alliance could find the holocron and hopefully obtain from it the information concerning a location for a new base for the Alliance." Remove, since this is already stated in that section.
 * 45) * Could use a good copyedit. I've fixed what I've seen, but I think you should go through it for good measure.
 * 46) * Give the result of the Rebels' clash with IG-88.
 * 47) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 17:17, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) **I did another copyedit, and I addressed all your objections. Thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 21:01, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * 49) Four Dot
 * 50) * The intro is disproportionally big. Pare it down a bit.
 * 51) **I tried to shorten it a little, but the context I needed to give kind of blows it up.
 * 52) * "The First Battle of the Graveyard was a space battle between the Alliance to Restore the Republic and the Galactic Empire in the Graveyard, the asteroid remains of Alderaan after it was destroyed by the Death Star—an Imperial superweapon strong enough to destroy a planet—during the height of the Galactic Civil War in 0 BBY." - This is a bit unwieldy.
 * 53) * "When the Renegades found the holocron, Fett tried to steal it by engaging the Rebels in a dogfight aboard his personal vessel, Slave I." - How can you have a dogfight aboard a vessel?
 * 54) *That's all. Thefourdotelipsis 23:28, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) **Thanks for the review. Check now. Kilson Likes PIE 21:58, 18 May 09 (UTC)
 * 56) From the Desk of Atarumaster88
 * 57) * "the asteroid remains of Alderaan after it was destroyed by the Death Star during the height of the Galactic Civil War in 0 BBY. The Death Star was an Imperial superweapon that could destroy a planet. Shortly after the Battle of Yavin, a Rebel fleet centered around Renegade Squadron, the Alliance's recently established squadron made up of smugglers and criminals, attempted to secure a very valuable data holocron believed to have " Very clunky wording, needs to flow better.
 * 58) **Nope, not quite done. I suggest reading the introduction aloud and listening to how it sounds, because it's still not flowing as well as it could. I'd fix this sort of objection myself, but FAN is a learning process, especially for first-timers. ;-) Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 15:26, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) ***I shortened the Death Star context a little, how does it look now? Kilson Likes PIE 19:43, 28 May 09 (UTC)
 * 60) ****It still was kind of stilted, so I joined a pair of sentences, shortened some things, and reworded a couple other phrases. Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 18:56, 31 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) * A slight quibble: Does the source describe Boba as a Mandalorian bounty hunter? AFAIK, he never refers to himself as a Mandalorian and usually isn't described as such aside from the armor. Also, it's not like he was born there or lived there during this period.
 * 62) **I don't want to sound rude or anything, but I really think it is unnecessary to reference that he's a Mandalorian. The armor pretty much states it for us, and most people know it.
 * 63) ***I agree with your second statement, but Boba's in the Slave I the whole time, so his armor isn't seen. Also, Wookieepedia loves to ref the obvious, whether or not people know it. :-P At any rate, I've cut the reference to Mandalorians altogether, negating the issue. ;) Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 15:26, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * "With the holocron in Rebel hands, Ackbar examined the holocron for prospective worlds to act as a new Rebel base." Awkward wording, and repetitive diction with "holocron."
 * 65) * "sought to see examine other options, and took another scouting party" Wording.
 * 66) * Should it be referred to in BTS as "The First Battle of the Graveyard"? The capitalization seems off, but since it's conjectural, I'm not sure. Please check precedent.
 * 67) **Since it is conjecture, it is not capatalized in the article.
 * 68) *Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 01:29, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 69) **How about now dude? And thank you, I hope you have a wonderful, PIE filled day yourself. :) Kilson Likes PIE 01:29, 28 May 09 (UTC)
 * 70) ***Almost done. Good work on this, much better than the first time. ;) Atarumaster88  Jedi_Order.svg ( Talk page ) 15:26, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) Several of the links in the article lead to redirects. Correct this. Also, you link to Mon Calamari twice in the main body of the article, which is against linking guidelines. This objection falls under rules 1 and 4. --Imperialles 20:35, 7 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) *Changed the Mon Calamari part. I changed all of the redirects I found. If I missed any, just tell me. Thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 06:05, 10 June 09 (UTC)