User:Kwenn/UnWookieepedia

Our Wookieepedia, beloved as it is, is not the most complete and indispensible repository of Star Wars lore in existence. Not everything is covered. It is not complete. This page will help to rectify that flaw. In-jokes ahoy!

Ask Aak
"Ignore the threat of the Separatists? Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"

- Senator Ask Aak

The three-eyed Senator of Malastare and representative of the Gran. Yeah, the goat-faces. His eyestalks look uncomfortably phallic. Also the name of a popular search engine on the HoloNet, on which users can ask Aak a variety of questions involving goat-herding, masticating (yes, I did spell that right) and trolls under bridges.

Ackbar
"For the last time, I do not look like a giant turd!"

- Admiral Ackbar

Fish-faced Admiral in the Rebel Alliance with a tasteful line in floaty chairs. Well-known for being able to point out any apparently obvious trap in the vicinity, then blunder straight into it while flailing his arms about for comic effect. Squelches when he moves. Word of advice: Never order the calamari special in the mess hall when Ackbar’s around. A headbutt from that immense noggin will huuurt.

Padmé Naberrie Amidala Skywalker
"Oh, Anakin, you wiped out an entire Tusken village, slaughtering men, women and children? That’s terrible....wanna come back to my place?"

- Amidala to Anakin Skywalker

Queen of Naboo at the age of fourteen, displaying a prime example of the total political ineptitude of her subjects. Homeplanet was&mdash;surprise, surprise&mdash;invaded during her reign. Was too busy getting her lip pierced, shouting at her parents, sulking and consuming large amounts of vimto to notice. Fell in love with Anakin Skywalker after he destroyed a village of Tusken Raiders, then proceeded to marry him after Count Dooku lopped his arm off and made him cry. Became Senator of Naboo prior to the Clone Wars, to which her only notable contributions were at Geonosis (jumpsuit ripped to shreds by nexu) and Ilum (sporting ‘snow bunny’ outfit). Popularity waned when she adopted a wardrobe of highly-concealing, unflattering outfits after getting knocked up. Moped about a bit while Anakin slaughtered more people. Eventually died of a broken heart, apparently deciding she had nothing to live for after giving birth to twins in the company of her closest friends and colleagues during their desperate fight against evil. Haunted her daughter as a ghost to make sure she never forgot her mother.

Nom Anor
"I always have a contingency plan! Ah. There goes my hand. Poot."

- Nom Anor at the Battle of Coruscant

Nom Anor was a spy for the Yuuzhan Vong, and was adept at leading his superiors into all kinds of bantha poodoo, whilst ensuring he himself had been conveniently stationed halfway across the galaxy. Once dressed up like Darth Vader (but this is family-oriented material, so we won’t go there). Tried to kill Mara Jade Skywalker, but was foiled by a pink chicken. Was so humiliated he joined the good guys for a time, and randomly strangled a few of his former colleagues. Was supposedly killed over Coruscant, but no one really believes that. Rumours of his severed hand showing up on Calamari as a symbol for a New Yuuzhan Vong Empire ruled by a three-eyed mutant are completely fabricated.

Wedge Antilles
"Look at the size of that thing! Uhh....I’ve got, er, an engine failure here....yeah, that’s it. Oh, well, looks like I’d better pop off back to base for repairs. Ciao!"

- An example of Wedge’s heroic actions at the Battle of Yavin

Totally brave and courageous X-wing pilot who never gave up, no matter what the odds, not even if Darth Vader himself were chasing him. No, siree, Wedge was always dependable in the heat of battle! Also, he was definitely not offered a position with the Rebellion because his nephew was a famous Jedi Master. Wedge? He’s great!

Attichitcuk
"Growr!"

- Attichitcuk

Chewbacca's father. Even he doesn’t know how to pronounce his name.

Darth Bane
"There is absolutely no flaw in having only two Dark Lords at any one time! It’s not like they’ll, oh, I dunno, kill each other or anything, is it? Ha! We’re Sith!"

- Far-sighted visionary Darth Bane

Dark Lord of the Sith who instigated the Rule of Two, creating the new Sith Order following the Battle of Ruusan. Took an ikkle kid called Rain as his apprentice, which just goes to show that bald guys with names like Bane tend to be lacking in the ol' cranial department. Originally conceived the Rule of Two, as opposed to ruling the Sith alone, because he really fancied some Sith chick with honkin’ big nerfs. Wey. Hey.

Jar Jar Binks
"Man, what was I smokin’ that day? Whee!"

- George Lucas on Jar Jar Binks

No comment. No. Comment.

Bossk
"It’th not eathy being a big green lithard, you know. I jutht want to be loved! Pleathe!"

- Bossk, feared bounty hunter

A reptilian bounty hunter with a natty line in bright yellow jumpsuits. Was notable for his complete inability to capture Han Solo, despite a long-running, natural hatred of Solo’s first mate Chewbacca, and the fact that Solo once landed his ship on top of Bossk’s....with Bossk still inside. Talk about wasted incentive. Was known to have eaten his own father, and that just ain’t right. Has a lithp.

Lando Calrissian
"Hey, you old pirate! I’ve got a crazy idea for another wacky credit-making scheme! With hilarious results! Sigh, I feel so dirty."

- Lando Calrissian on patented wacky schemes

One of approximately half-a-dozen black guys in the entire galaxy, Lando ‘Colt .45’ Calrissian is a scoundrel, a card-player and a gambler. You’d like him. Owner of Cloud City, a floating mining facility on Bespin home to the galaxy’s largest roller-disco. Calrissian has a glitterball in his quarters, and man, does he jive to a funky groove! Rumoured to be the long-lost son of Grando Calrissian, the Crown Prince of Funk.

Tycho Celchu
"I’m not an Imperial spy....or am I?!!? No. No I’m not. Please put your blaster down."

- Tycho Celchu

An ace pilot and native of Alderaan who married Winter after joining Rogue Squadron. I mean, what are the chances of a guy not only meeting another displaced native of his destroyed homeworld, but that said displaced native is a dead ringer for Princess Leia? And Obi-Wan says there’s no such thing as luck....

Daala
"Nobody expects Admiral Daala! My chief weapon is surprise, surprise and Star Destroyers, Star Destroyers and surprise&mdash;my two weapons are Star Destroyers and surprise, and ruthless efficiency&mdash;my three weapons are Star Destroyers and surprise and ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Empire&mdash;my four....no. Amongst our weapons. Amongst my weaponry are such elements as Star Destroyers, surp&mdash;oh, I'll just stay in this cluster of black holes."

- The fearsome might of Admiral Daala

Kit Fisto
":D"

- Kit Fisto

One of the most highly respected Jedi Masters in the Jedi Order. Not because of his amazing lightsaber technique or ability to defuse any hostile situation or so forth....but rather because of his gleaming smile and the fact that he once snogged Aayla Secura. Because she was, er, drowning. Yeah. He was giving her air. That’s it. Damn him. Got sliced and diced by Darth Sidious....still with a grin on his face.

Corran Horn
"I’m the balls. I rock. And I look good. Hey, everyone, come and see how good I look! Oh, by the way, there’s been a crime. I know who done it. But I’m not going to tell you because I think I’m gonna be a Jedi now. I’ll totally own at that, too. Ciao."

- Corran Horn, ace detective

If you ever see an ego the size of a standard planetary system coming your way, it’s a good bet this guy’s on the other end, probably with a lightsaber and some kind of Corran-centric witticism. Was a kick-ass detective in CorSec until he got bored of it, then became a kick-ass fighter ace with Rogue Squadron. Later decided to give the New Jedi Order a go, inserting himself neatly into any given situation that didn’t actually require his presence, just to show off a bit. Married Mirax Terrik and continued to kick-ass as a detective-pilot-Jedi hybrid. The only time he was ever given any actual responsibility&mdash;leading the Jedi Order in Luke Skywalker’s absence during the Dark Nest crisis&mdash;he mucked it up a bit. He didn’t care, because he was given a funky office.

General Grievous
"Mwahahahahahahaaaa…agk, cough, cough, wheeze! Ak!"

- One of General Grievous’s most awe-inspiring speeches to the Confederacy of Independent Systems

Once known as Qymee....Qyman....Quym....Qyaeman jai Shale....ah, er....Grievous, his 100% actual real birthname, hailed from the world of Kalee, where he fought the Huk in a series of bloody battles. The InterGalactic Banking Clan was impressed by his awesome Leet-class warrior skills, so they crippled him, shoved him in an iron lung and stuffed his vital organs into a flammable, easily-reachable sack. That ingenious plan paid off for all of half an hour, before Obi-Wan Kenobi made Grievous’s eyes go boom. And so, Grievous died a tragic and ignoble death on a forgotten world on the Outer Rim, encased in a hideous droid shell....but exploding eyeballs, eh? Sweet.

K’Kruhk
"Why, thank you. Yes, it is pretty freakin’ sweet."

- K’Kruhk on The Hat™

OK, think of Highlander in a Freakin’ Sweet Hat, all covered in hair. That’s K’Kruhk. He can never die, not even after being stabbed by a lightsaber or generally mauled on at least three separate occasions. His sheer awesome ability of Not-Dying is powered by his Freakin’ Sweet Hat, which, for reasons far too apparent to bother detailing, is Freakin’ Sweet. Word.

Kyle Katarn
"There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard; just another fist, holding a Bryar blaster."

- Random and Totally True Kyle Katarn Fact

Kyle Katarn kicks ass, chews gum, takes names and sleeps with your wife in the process. He’s just a guy with a lightsaber, some questions and the ability to beat up anyone in the galaxy. Is the wielder of the Shoulderpad of Power, which is actually grafted onto his skin. As an indicator of his pure kick-ass-ness, he has a beard. Basically, Kyle Katarn rocks your freakin’ socks off. He also has trans-dimensional pockets, allowing him to carry objects such as rocket launchers in his pants with no discomfort—and is thusly able to answer "Both" to the question, "Is that a rocket launcher in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?".

Agen Kolar
"Ooh, what a pretty statue that is! Eh, what lightsa...."

- Agen Kolar’s last words (because "It doesn't hurt" just doesn't count, dammit!

Agen Kolar was a Jedi Master blighted from birth by a short attention span. For instance, if he were, for example, about to engage in mortal combat with the most evil and powerful Dark Lord of the Sith in history, he might accidentally let his mind wander, perhaps to thoughts about flowers or little fluffy nerfs or something. Next thing you know, he’s been ripped a new a-hole. Worst. Jedi. Ever!

Crix Madine
"(Generic beardy-General-type dialogue)"

- Crix Madine prior to the Battle of (Insert Planet Name)

Crix Madine was an Imperial officer who defected to the Rebel Alliance. His timing wasn’t great, since he’d just trained a bunch of Imperial soldiers with 1337 haxor skillz, so, if anything, he hindered the Rebellion more than he aided the Alliance by defecting. Way to go. He was later shot by Durga the Hutt. Seriously, can Hutts even hold blasters with those punky little arms? That Madine was pretty lame.

Mon Mothma
"Many Bothans died to bring us this information. Still, lucky we didn’t lose any humans, eh? Eh? Am I right? Hah. Those crazy Bothans."

- Mon ‘Bothan Schmothan’ Mothma

Mon Mothma was the Senator of Chandrilla during her young, hot-redhead days, though sadly she was hardly seen at this time. She became prominent in galactic history as the leader of the Rebel Alliance, after forcing the hillbilly to leave and the goatee guy was blown up. She sent loads of Rebels to certain death because she believed the Emperor was actually dense enough to leave his new battle station unprotected. She was forgotten about during the Yuuzhan Vong crisis, until someone discovered she’d actually died in her sleep some years prior.

Ganner Rhysode
"Er, these Yuuzhan Vong aren’t so tough. Look, I’m owning a few thousand of them pretty easily here. And I’m a pretty rubbish Jedi, too. Don’t see how they pose you much of a problem, Luke. Oh, you’ve fainted again."

- Ganner’s Last Stand

Ganner Rhysode was a no-name Jedi, right up until a few seconds before his death. His final stand took place on a bridge overlooking a vast chasm, where he proclaimed none shall pass, and sacrificed himself to save his friends. It was a bit of a bummer when he learned he wouldn’t be coming back in Destiny’s Way as Ganner the White.

Bastila Shan
"I love/respect/hate Revan. He/she is the greatest/most despised man/woman I've ever loved/met/wanted to impale. Okay, seriously, can't he/she just make up his/her mind? And stop looking at my breasts. Give me some clothes."

- Bastila Shan

Bastila Shan was a Hot Chick-class Jedi Padawan with the ability to sit around for a bit and think about winning a battle that was likely, without her involvement, at that very moment going very badly for the Republic. She called it "Battle Meditation". I call it "sleeping on the job". Speaking of which, she had a romantic involvement with Revan, former Dark Lord of the Sith. Reports of her turning to the dark side and helping destroy the Republic Navy are unsubstantiated&mdash;which is a shame, because said reports also indicated the Sith offered her a line of kinky underwear as part of her Sith dress code.

Anakin Skywalker
"Never! I'll never turn to the dark side! What? I could save up to 10% on my Force insurance by switching to the dark side? Dude!"

- Anakin Skywalker

"(Insert random emo whine)"

- Anakin Skywalker

"Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!"

- Anakin Skywalker on Mustafar

Anakin Skywalker was a slave on Tatooine during his annoying, bowl-haircutted pre-pubescent stage, during which time he delivered the Galaxy's Official Worst Pick-up Line Ever on Padmé Amidala. She actually went for it. Later done some more stuff while shouting various catchphrases too mind-nobbingly irritating to reproduce here. A decade later, he joined a boy band and became a Jedi Whiny Emo Bitch.

Halagad Ventor
"Dude, Abel G Pena rocks! He’s totally cool. Read my Blog...er, I mean, Abel’s Blog! Heh! Heh."

- Abel G...der, I mean, Halagad Ventor

Abel G Pena wasn’t born Halagad Ventor and looks nothing like him. So there. He survived Order 66 and helped resurrect the Jedi Order by blabbing out the locations of every secret Jedi hideout to Darth Vader. Seriously, who decided to let that guy in on the hidden coordinates? Bet it was Yoda. Idiot. "Let not Halagad not see hidden locations, do not." Right. Okay, then. Anyway, Ventor managed to return as a Force ghost, probably to laugh at all the Jedi he managed to get killed. Well, wouldn't you?

Vergere
"Everything I tell you is a lie. Except for that. That was true. Or is that a paradox? And what is a paradox? It’s certainly not the dark side. Because that doesn’t exist. Er. Look, I’m a pink chicken! Dude!"

- Vergere on Life, the Universe and Everything

Quinlan Vos
"Muhahaha! I’ve joined the dark side!! Nah, not really. I’m still a Jedi...a DARK JEDI, that is! Har har har! Woo, tricked you! I’m not really on Dooku’s side. Or am I? Even I don’t know. My head hurts."

- Quinlan Vos

Mace Windu
"Who's the black Jedi Master that's a Force machine to all the chicks? Mace! You see this cat Mace is a bad mother&mdash;shut yo' mouth!"

- Just Talkin' Bout Mace

Mace Windu was the cat who didn't back out when there was danger all about. He wielded a purple lightsaber&mdash;in actual fact it was pink, though no one dared point this out to him&mdash;which was inscribed with the words, "Bad Moisture Farmer". He kicked some ass during the Battle of Geonosis, and would've kicked Palpatine's scrawny wrinkled ass had it not been for the intervention of Anakin Skywalker, who chose that particular moment to turn to the emo side, costing Mace his arm. Seizing the opportunity, Palpatine fried Windu with bolts of Force lightning, before sending him plunging to his apparent doom in the underlevels of Galactic City. However, rumor had it that a grizzled, one-armed man fitting Mace's description was seen prowling the underlevels for some years, before apparently teaming up with a hat-wearing Whiphid to, and I quote, "kick those m*****-f***** Sith sons-of-b***** back to the f****** Dark Times, yo".

To be continued....


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