Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Kidnap attempt on Serenno


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Kidnap attempt on Serenno

 * Nominated by: —Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 00:26, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My first FA, a long time in coming.

(1 Inqs/2 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Not too bad for a first time. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]](talk) 15:52, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Good job Malevolous, look forward to reviewing your next nom.--Jedi Kasra (comlink) 22:52, October 15, 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) —Tommy9281  Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 18:43, January 12, 2010 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Fett
 * 2) * Are you sure the correct canonical name is "Duel on Serenno"? If not, then you must add the tag.
 * 3) **Done. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 13:34, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * Intro-" attempted to kidnap and possibly assassinate former Supreme Chancellor Tarsus Valorum." "Possibly" is too colloquial and does add a bit of speculation.
 * 5) * "to sow seeds of confusion" I don't understand what you mean by this phrase. Please clarify this, as it might confuse other readers.
 * 6) **It's a fairly common phrase. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 17:30, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ***Ah, no problem.  JangFett  (Talk) 19:27, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "The Sith relied on Kelad'den's talent with words and her own prodding with the Force to convince the members of the organization to follow through with the plan she had persuaded the Twi'lek to suggest." What was this "plan"?
 * 9) * I realize that you mention about this "plan" before you said "The plan involved taking captive Supreme Chancellor-turned-diplomatic emissary Tarsus Valorum..." However, you must mention this earlier.
 * 10) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "Supreme Chancellor-turned-diplomatic emissary" Please find a way to simplify this phrase. Quite confusing.
 * 12) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) * "The members of the crew, that were to execute the strategy, laid out three days before were required to take the place of six of House Nalju's employees and to lay out explosives on the landing pad selected by the Great House." What do you mean by "laid out"? Also, "lay out" doesn't work here. Context on "Great House" as well.
 * 14) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * "The duel" section has too many subsections. I suggest you remove both, because of the length of your paragraphs within the sections.
 * 16) **There is a precedent in FAs for subsections shorter than this on duel pages.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * "After connecting to the Force, the Jedi quickly noticed that those ahead, that he had presumed to be members of House Nalju were armed, and that explosives were hidden under the landing platform." This sentence doesn't make sense. Due to the lack of proofreading, this is basically improper English. Please reread and rephrase. Who is "those ahead"? Also, please watch your usage of commas, I've been seeing a great deal of misuse throughout the article.
 * 18) **Yes, that sentence was wierd. I hope I've fixed the comma problem.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * "The Jedi bodyguard called upon the Force to aid him, leapt, and caught the former Chancellor by his cape..." "leapt" is not a word.
 * 20) **This falls under the   clause, Jang. I've taken care of it but in the future, such changes are best made by an objector rather than being left as an objection. —Tommy9281  Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 13:31, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) **I would like to point out that leapt is, in fact a word (past tense of leap), but leaped is also past tense of leap.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 22:08, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **Fwiw, they're both acceptable. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 17:30, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * "...then hauled him up, almost simultaneously catching a blaster bolt on his Lightsaber" You cannot "catch" a blaster bolt with a lightsaber. A Jedi may deflect a bolt; however, cannot simply "catch" a laser bolt. If you did not actually mean "catching a blaster bolt on his Lightsaber," then this sentence is too-colloquial. By saying "almost simultaneously" can get too speculative and therefore has to be rephrased or removed completely.
 * 24) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * "Desertion was apparently not acceptable." What do you mean by this?
 * 26) **Addressed, I think.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * "This encounter was used by author Drew Karpyshyn to eliminate new character Kelad'den, as well as to create a way for Zannah to meet Hetton and attempt to overthrow Bane." This isn't a proper BtS. A BtS simply mentions what source, in this case, the "Duel on Serenno" appeared in. You may also mention the author. I suggest that you take a look at other novel-related battle articles to get a general perspective of what is required in a BtS.
 * 28) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) * Also, please watch your linking. This article suffers underlinking issues. Any new subject that appears and hasn't been linked before, must be properly linked.
 * 30) **I went through there and looked all over the site for articles in this that weren't linked, and what's there now is what I've found. Due to the fact that this is a duel, there probably won't be much more to add.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:51, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) **Can I take this to mean that you are still unsatisfied with the linking? Malevolous [[Image:Lemmet Tauk Symbol.png|20px]]( Contact Frequency ) 20:28, November 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ***Jang, I believe I fixed the rest of the linking issues in my copyedit. Malevolous, look here for the difference between your linking and the degree that there should be. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]](talk) 15:52, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) *Not bad.  JangFett  (Talk) 03:32, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) Blacklist:
 * 35) * You need the FAnom tag.
 * 36) **This falls under the clause. I've taken care of it but in the future, such changes are best made by an objector rather than being left as an objection. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 17:30, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) ***Perhaps, and thank you for your assistance, but as a new nominator I wanted Darth Malevolous to see it for himself and adjust accordingly instead of someone just coming by and fixing it for him. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 18:21, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * I'm sure you can find some sort of lead quote for the article.
 * 39) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 23:29, October 6, 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) *** I don't think that quote is too relevant to the article as it is titled. Also, as I read the article, it reads more like its about the entire event (the assassination attempt & subsequent fight), not so much like its about the actual duel which is between Othone and Kel. You may want to either rework the article so it focuses more on the duel, or rename the article to reflect it as it is currently written. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 05:31, November 9, 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) ****Sorry, I'm not sure I follow. Which would you prefer? I, for one, would rather not rewrite the entire thing. Malevolous [[Image:Lemmet Tauk Symbol.png|20px]]( Contact Frequency ) 20:41, November 9, 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) ***** No, and I honestly wouldn’t expect you to. Because the article encompasses the whole event as opposed to focusing on the specific duel between Kel & Othone, something like “Assassination attempt on Serenno” or something to that effect would be more appropriate, IMO. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 20:56, November 9, 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) ******Makes sense, I'll do something like that. Also, once the name is changed, will the quote then fit? Malevolous [[Image:Lemmet Tauk Symbol.png|20px]]( Contact Frequency ) 20:30, November 12, 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) *******Yup, it works well now.
 * 45) * Last thing: the "Arrival & Twi'lek warrior" sections are a bit play by play. See if you can condense them slightly. Keep in mind that you don't have to go into too much detail about how Othone felt, what he felt he could do; just say what he did, what they did, etc. unless it is paramount that such details be given to explain how the events unfold. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 01:54, November 13, 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) **I changed a few things, but you probably want more. Could you be a bit more specific? For example, how much condensing do the sections need? Malevolous  [[Image:Lemmet Tauk Symbol.png|20px]]( Contact Frequency ) 22:52, November 17, 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) **Could you give an example of a section that demonstrates a summary that isn't play by play?Malevolous  [[Image:Lemmet Tauk Symbol.png|20px]]( Contact Frequency ) 19:25, December 31, 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) *** Hey, sorry I took so long to respond. I've taken care of a bit of it for you, but statements like, "Othone realized that they were very adept" are unnecessary and considered fluff. "Othone could now push aggressively, and he did so, ending his adversary's life after he made a reckless move." Much of this sentence is unnecessary as well, and the end of it leaves a bit of confusion as to whether you are referring to Othone or his opponent. Just stick to the details of the actual fight; be detailed, but not overly descriptive. Go through these two sections & if you need more help let me know. I'll make it my priority to pay closer attention than I have been too ;) —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 02:50, January 7, 2010 (UTC)
 * 49) **Addressed now. I feel like I've been trying to rely on others to explain things too much. I probably could have figured out what you wanted. Sorry.Malevolous  [[Image:Lemmet Tauk Symbol.png|20px]]( Contact Frequency ) 21:37, January 8, 2010 (UTC)
 * 50) ***No worries, you've done a good job. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 18:43, January 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * 51) Nayayen
 * 52) * Intro: Is the gender and exact order in which the assassins were killed necessary? You can merge it with the following sentence easily.
 * 53) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 23:29, October 6, 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) * Intro: The first paragraph here jumps from the ARLF planning to Valorum disembarking. There is no mention of the ship landing or where this whole thing even took place (in the intro).
 * 55) **A bit unsure on this still, do you really mean the intro? The intro doesn't talk about the ARLF planning at all. I think I addressed the part about the landing and where it took place.
 * 56) ***By the planning I meant the switching with the servants et cetera. Badly worded on my part. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]] talk  10:08, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) * Make sure there is no info exclusive to the intro. 990 BBY was the first thing to catch my eye, please put this in the main body as well and check for any other such intro-exclusive details.
 * 58) * "Arrival": Can you describe the landing pad a bit? It did affect the duel rather a lot.
 * 59) * At the end of "Arrival", mention that the other assailants did flee.
 * 60) * "remembering the classic Jedi adage, "There is no death; there is only the Force."" This is phrased a little too OOU in my books, please reword.
 * 61) **The 4 above objections and the one after the next were resolved over talk pages. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]] talk  12:08, October 6, 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) * The attribution for the quote in aftermath seems a bit awkward. We already know who they are and "an incredibly gruelling battle" could be replaced with "the duel" or something.
 * 63) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 23:29, October 6, 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * Isn't there supposed to be a Bts for FAs?
 * 65) *More to come. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]] talk  23:14, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) * You give no context as to who Othone is in his first mention in the body.
 * 67) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:42, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * I'm seeing several cases of improper comma usage such as "The fall had broken Kelad’den’s neck, but due to the Force, Othone survived." Please go through and check for these.
 * 69) **Addressed? I'm horrible with commas.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:42, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) ***Okay, I've gone through and fixed these for you but you may wish to look at 's sub-page for help. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]](talk) 15:52, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) * "But as he ran, passing the Twi'lek, he was slashed..." Who is the Twi'lek?
 * 72) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:42, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) * "After Kelad'den landed more than a few...than he could spare for the Force."'' This sentence is badly worded; "more than a few" is a little too colloquial, "comprehended" isn't really suitable and I don't know what you mean by "took more concentration than he could spare for the Force."
 * 74) **Addressed. I wondered about that sentence when I wrote it.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 14:42, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) * Check the rest of that paragraph for NPOV, "Amazingly" isn't NPOV for example.
 * 76) **Addressed.
 * 77) *That is all I can find. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]] talk  10:08, October 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) A few for you
 * 79) *This is a disclaimer, I am familiar with the events of Rule of Two, however, I will present these objections to you as if I never read the book.
 * 80) **Thanks, I'm sure that will make it that much better for others.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 19:57, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) * In the intro it states as fact that Othone survived a fall due to the Force. However, the last paragraph of "The Twi'lek warrior" says due to some quirk of fate or the Force, Othone survived. Which is it?
 * 82) **Got it.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 19:57, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 83) * It would be a good idea to italicize New Dawn, in the "Arrival" sub-section, and Darth Bane: Rule of Two, in the BTS.
 * 84) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 19:57, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) * Context is needed on Cyndra and Paak. Were they human, male, female, what?
 * 86) **Yeah, I see that that could be confusing.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 19:57, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) * The involvement of Darth Zannah in this led to the Duel on Ambria after she was captured by Cyndra and brought to Hetton. Can you rearrange your wording, example, Darth Zannah's involvement in the duel led to her being captured by Cyndra, who brought Zannah to Hetton. Also, the "Duel on Ambria" is not the event's canonical name. Link it to another word, like this, for example: confrontation on Ambria . Also, context on Hetton is needed.
 * 88) **Fixed the sentences, but since there is a Confrontation on Ambria and a Duel on Ambria I think it would be okay, unless I'm missing your point entirely.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 19:57, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 89) ***Looks good, except you still need context on Hetton.--Jedi Kasra (comlink) 22:12, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) ****Thanks for pointing that out, I didn't even think about it.—Malevolous[[Image:Kir Kanos Symbol.png|20px]]( Contact Frequency ) 11:05, October 15, 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) * The event was used to further develop the character Johun Othone and the repercussions of the duel eventually led to the Duel on Ambria. Can you split this into two sentences? Like the above objection, use another phrase to describe the Duel on Ambria.
 * 92) **Addressed.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 19:57, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 93) *Good read, enjoy this series very much.--Jedi Kasra (comlink) 17:13, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) **Why thank you. I'm glad you took the time to review my article.—Darth Malevolous[[Image:Sith Emblem.svg|40px]]( Through power I gain victory. ) 19:57, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 95) Few things:
 * 96) *The 1st para of intro is a bit confusing.
 * 97) *Arrival section a little too PBP (play-by-play).
 * 98) *You need to introduce Ohone in the bio! A sentence or two (maybe even a few words) talking about his status as Valorum's bodyguard is needed.
 * 99) *All I have, good work.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 22:09, January 11, 2010 (UTC)

Comments
 * Per Jang, you may want to look here or here for good examples of duel articles. Those two examples that I've given you are from the same book as your article, even. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No truth in me ) 13:31, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * When linking, you don't need to have the first letter of the article capitalized (unless it is a proper noun or start of a sentence etc.); it will go to the same article regardless. Don't forget that Human always has a capital letter. Nayayen [[Image:Old Republic military symbol.png|18px]] talk  23:14, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)

 * 1) Unaddressed objections for more than three weeks, and nominator has not visited the site for longer than that.  CC7567  (talk) 20:54, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 21:17, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) That's too bad. —Tommy 9281  Mechnochair negwt.jpg ( Mechno-chair ) 21:33, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
 * 4)  Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi Beacon ) 21:38, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5) --Eyrezer 21:53, February 8, 2010 (UTC)