Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Unidentified Senate Commando captain


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Unidentified Senate Commando captain

 * Nominated by: --Clone Commander Lee 17:56, 23 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A poor guy who must face Cad Bane. Also my first non-clone nom

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1)  JangFett  Talk 17:49, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) I'm sure others will find anything I may have missed. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 06:52, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  Graestan ( Talk ) 01:04, 16 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  CC7567  (talk) 01:11, 16 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Toprawa and Ralltiir 04:26, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Fett
 * 2) * Due to the size of the article, you don't need two images.
 * 3) **I don't think so.
 * 4) ***Fixed.
 * 5) * "The captain and his commandos were unconvinced, however, and the captain ordered one of his subordinates to handcuff Bane. Aurra Sing, however, shot and killed the unfortunate man. Unfortunately, the captain had his neck snapped by Bane, killing him." Very choppy.
 * 6) **Fixed.
 * 7) ***"Then Bane attacked the captain hit him against a speeder and grabbed his head. While his men were killed by the disembarking BX-series droid commandos and Weequay bounty hunter Shahan Alama Bane snapped the neck of the captain, killing him." Again, make sure you use proper punctuation. Your comma use is improving, but can improve more.
 * 8) ****Fixed.
 * 9) * Mention that he was a human male in the intro.
 * 10) **Fixed.
 * 11) * "When the speeder of the bounty hunters approached to the blocked sector the captain and his team were sent to arrest the harasser." Improper English
 * 12) **Fixed.
 * 13) ***Again, check your comma usage.
 * 14) ****Fixed.
 * 15) * "When the speeder of the bounty hunters approached to the blocked sector the captain and his team were sent to arrest the harasser. As the speeder landed the captain ordered Bane to take his hands up." Very choppy. Merge The last sentence with the preceding sentence. Also Lee, make sure you use words such as "soon" or "then", to get a sense of chronological order. You said the speeder approached in the first sentence, but it doesn't connect with the next when you say "As it landed". "Landed" isn't proper here as well.
 * 16) **Fixed.
 * 17) ***Still remains
 * 18) ****Fixed.
 * 19) * "The Duros took his hands up, but advised the captain to be not to hasty. The commando then ordered one of his men to arrest Bane. The man was however killed by a blaster bolt coming from a tower. The sharpshooter, Aurra Sing, quickly killed more of the captains men." Rather choppy.
 * 20) **Fixed.
 * 21) ***No, still remains.
 * 22) ****Fixed.
 * 23) * After the captain's death, is the rest of the information relevant to him?
 * 24) **I think so.
 * 25) ***"After all Commandos were dead Bane ordered the droids to take the uniforms of the dead soldiers. The bounty hunters were able to blackmail the release of Ziro by capturing some senators. The bounty hunters escaped with the Hutt, but not before setting up some explosive devices. Luckily Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker was able to save the senators." This is irrelevant to the captain, no need to explain what happen after his death. Also, with the shortening of the article, two images isn't needed. The images are closed to each other, and should be equally spread apart depending on the size of the article.
 * 26) ****Removed.
 * 27) *More to come.  JangFett  Talk 18:26, 23 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) Fett II
 * 29) * "When the speeder of the bounty hunters approached to the east sector, the captain and his team were sent to arrest the driver, the speeder stopped and the captain ordered Bane to take his hands up." Again, make sure you use transition words such as "soon", "though", "however". You can split this sentence up to make it "When the speeder of the bounty hunters approached to the east sector, the captain and his team were sent to arrest the driver. Soon the speeder stopped and the captain ordered Bane to take his hands up."
 * 30) **Adressed.
 * 31) ***Forgot to mention, state were the speeder stopped. But I fixed it in the article :)
 * 32) * "The commando then ordered one of his men to arrest Bane, however the man was killed by a blaster bolt coming from a tower and the sharpshooter, Aurra Sing, quickly killed more of the captains men." She quickly killed more of the captains men with that shot? While you didn't mention that she or Bane killed his men before, it's redundant here.
 * 33) **Fixed.
 * 34) * "Then Bane attacked the captain hit him against a speeder and grabbed his head." Invalid flow of chronologically. You said Bane attack him then the captain, it is confusing without transition and proper punctuation.
 * 35) **Fixed.
 * 36) * "While his men were killed by the disembarking BX-series droid commandos and Weequay bounty hunter Shahan Alama, Bane snapped the neck of the captain, killing him." I wouldn't say "men" here since you mentioned another "man" that was killed before. Perhaps replace "man" with the rest of the captain's squad.
 * 37) **Fixed.
 * 38) * P&T-"The captain was a well trained Senate Commando." Fragment. Possibly expand, or merge with next sentence.
 * 39) **Fixed.
 * 40) * I suggest that you merge the choppy sentences of the P&T together Lee. Make sure they flow well together.
 * 41) **Fixed.
 * 42) * Expand the BtS, it is too choppy. Read through past smaller character GAs, such as Bel for examples.
 * 43) **Fixed.
 * 44) * JangFett  Talk 16:17, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) **Fixed. Thanks for the second review Jang. --Clone Commander Lee 16:56, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) ***Anytime, good work.  JangFett  Talk 17:49, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) Soresu
 * 48) *Normally, I'd fix most of this myself, but there's some stuff I think you should know for the future.
 * 49) * First up: References always come immediately after punctuation, not before it, like you did at the beginning of the bio.
 * 50) **Adressed.
 * 51) ** No idea what you've done, but the infobox reffing is not screwed up, and the original objection remains&mdash;there is a reff before a comma. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:50, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) **Fixed.
 * 53) * led a group of Senate Commandos against Cad Bane during the Senate hostage crisis. Cad Bane and the crisis need context. Also, Senate hostage crisis is conjectural, so you shouldn't be using it verbatim. Maybe against a group of bounty hunters headed by Cad Bane when they attempted to raid the Republic Executive Building would be better.
 * 54) **Fixed.
 * 55) * Senate and Commandos should be consistently capitalised throughout the article.
 * 56) **Fixed.
 * 57) * shot and killed the unfortunate man Unfortunate is POV, please remove.
 * 58) **Removed.
 * 59) * The commandos aren't the underorganisation, it is an underorganisation.
 * 60) **Fixed.
 * 61) * approached to the east sector. Did they approach from the east or head toward the east? Either way, it isn't right. It needs to be either approached the east sector or approached from the east sector.
 * 62) **Fixed.
 * 63) * The Duros took his hands up, but advised the captain to be not to hasty. What Duros? It's confusing, since you haven'y mentioned him before. Maybe if you listed the involved bouty hunters when you first mention the posse. And it's put his hands up, not took.
 * 64) **Fixed.
 * 65) * The commando then ordered one of his men to arrest Bane, however the man was killed by a blaster bolt coming from a tower and the sharpshooter, Aurra Sing, quickly killed the rest of the captain's squad with more shots. Doesn't flow well.
 * 66) **Fixed.
 * 67) * While his men were killed by the disembarking BX-series droid commandos and Weequay bounty hunter Shahan Alama, Hang on. Haven't they all already been killed by Sing?
 * 68) **Fixed.
 * 69) * Although is repetitive in the P&T.
 * 70) **Fixed.
 * 71) * The second sources section is meant to be called "Notes and references"
 * 72) **Fixed.
 * 73) *That's it (for now). Before you nominate in future, make sure you give a good copy-edit to the article. I had to make quite a big copy-edit. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:43, 26 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) **Should have catched them all, thanks for the (first) review Soresu. --Clone Commander Lee 10:39, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) ***That's okay, although I should note it's meant to be "caught them all". Catched is not a word. There'll be some more objections tomorrow. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:50, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 76) ****Last objection also fixed. --Clone Commander Lee 11:33, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) Makashi
 * 78) * Aurra Sing, however, shot and killed the man, the captain was attacked by Bane who snapped his neck, killing him. Doesn't flow well. Reword.
 * 79) **Reworded.
 * 80) * The 2nd, 3rd, and 4th sentences in the bio all start with "when". Please vary it a bit.
 * 81) **Adressed.
 * 82) * Ordered is a little repetitive in the bio.
 * 83) **Fixed.
 * 84) *That should be all of it, I think. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 13:37, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) **Got them all. Thanks for the second review SoresuMakashi. --Clone Commander Lee 17:52, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) Terms such as "unidentified" are out-of-universe and do not belong in the text of in-universe articles. They might be alright in the title because the conjecture tag nullifies the assertion that the title is an IU term, but they are in no way appropriate in the article itself.  Graestan ( Talk ) 16:25, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) *Fixed. Thanks. --Clone Commander Lee 17:32, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) Attack of the Clone
 * 89) * Source required for "c. 22 BBY".
 * 90) **Sourced.
 * 91) * I have no idea who "they" refers to in the first sentence of the intro.
 * 92) **Fixed.
 * 93) * Source for him being a captain?
 * 94) **Sourced.
 * 95) * Fact tag in the body. Next time, please make sure that all the information you provide is entirely attributable to the sources you cite.
 * 96) **Sourced.
 * 97) * Why would Bane go to the Executive Building if he's trying to free Ziro from the Detention Center?
 * 98) **Fixed.
 * 99) ***"in order to capture the senators to blackmail the release of Ziro": you can't "blackmail" a release, but Bane can force Palpatine to release Ziro by taking hostages.  CC7567  (talk) 19:36, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) ****Fixed. --Clone Commander Lee 11:00, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 101) * Why did Bane order his droid commandos to take the Senate Commandos' armor?
 * 102) **Adressed.
 * 103) ***Lee, "disalert" is not a word. Please find a word that works better.  CC7567  (talk) 19:36, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 104) ****Reworded. --Clone Commander Lee 11:00, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 105) *****"to inform the central command of the guards that there were only war protestors." The droids in armor did nothing of the sort. It was a droid that deceived central command, but in no way was the armor involved in that. Please find the facts.  CC7567  (talk) 22:33, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 106) ******Fixed. --Clone Commander Lee 07:30, 11 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 107) *******Let me repeat myself: "in no way was the armor involved" in the stuff I mentioned above. The comlink in what armor? Why is that even relevant to the captain if there's absolutely no evidence as to whether the armor was the captain's or not? Furthermore, "cover the scene" is unclear.  CC7567 ' (talk) 22:48, 11 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 108) ********Better now ? --Clone Commander Lee 10:22, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) *********No, it's not. "to let it look that all was allright" is still both improper English and unclear. Furthermore, I'm going to be as clear as I can be: when I say in no way was the armor involved, I mean for you to remove that phrase. There is absolutely no evidence that the droids used the captain's armor to deceive central command. If there is, please enlighten me and point out how you know that the droids used the captain's comlink.  CC7567  (talk) 20:05, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 110) **********Reworded. -- Clone Commander Lee  Talk 20:54, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 111) ***********Twice now I've reiterated the same exact thing to remove that part of the sentence, and twice you say you've done it but do nothing to satisfy it. Just now you replaced the unclear wording ("cover the scene") that I specifically asked you to remove earlier. The point of the nomination process is not to improve one's writing or to rewrite one's article for him or her, but to pass articles that already meet or are close to meeting the standards. This sentence still does not make sense, and it cannot meet Rule Number One at the top of this page of being "well-written" if it remains unclear as it is now. I am going to keep repeating myself until these are changed: please reword "cover the scene" so that it is clearer and is grammatically correct, and either remove "inform the central command of the guards that there were only war protestors per the comlink in the armors of the commandos" because it has no relation to the droids' original intentions of removing the scenes or reword it so that it's clearer in relation to the captain.  CC7567  (talk) 20:08, 13 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 112) * What did the bounty hunters do after they killed the Senate Commandos?
 * 113) **Added.
 * 114) * Context needed for Yoda and Yularen in the Bts.
 * 115) **Added.
 * 116) *Lee, please try to find some sort of spelling and grammar check program next time to use on your nominations. If you can't access Microsoft Word, the web browser Firefox at least has a built-in spellcheck.  CC7567  (talk) 20:32, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 117) **I'll try. Thanks for the review CC. --Clone Commander Lee 09:38, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 118) * Neither "Hostage Crisis" or its guide is a source for Kane's portrayal of Yoda and Yularen. Please find a proper one.  CC7567  (talk) 19:36, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 119) **Sourced. --Clone Commander Lee 11:00, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 120) * "to let it look like the commandos were still on their post": this is still improper and unclear wording. The droids can't be "let" to do this if there's no one to stop them, and the commandos' post has to be a slab of ground for them to be "on" it. If you can't improve this on your own, please find help for your English.  CC7567  (talk) 22:20, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 121) **I believe I have rectified this. Graestan ( Talk ) 01:04, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

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