Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Dromund Kaas

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Support
 * 1) Seems to fit the requirements. The prose might be a little watery, but that could easily be remedied. Din&#39;s Fire 997 00:08, 14 April 2008 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The article and the infobox need to be fully sourced, please.  Greyman  http://images.wikia.com/central/images/9/9c/Jan.png ( Talk ) 20:13, 13 April 2008 (EDT)
 * 2) *How's that? Din&#39;s Fire 997 00:54, 14 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) **Per Rule 2(a). It can be confusing if you're not familiar with it, but here is the sourcing page, which provide steps to follow. Greyman  http://images.wikia.com/central/images/9/9c/Jan.png ( Talk ) 01:08, 14 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) ***Better? (thanks for the link, btw. This whole process is really expanding my skills, if nothing else) Din&#39;s Fire 997 01:36, 14 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) ****Good, I'm glad to hear it! It looks much better, and the only thing you need to source now is this statement, "However, it did not gain notoriety until it was taken as a refuge by rogue Sith Lord Darth Millennial." Otherwise, the sourcing is complete. Greyman  http://images.wikia.com/central/images/9/9c/Jan.png ( Talk ) 01:48, 14 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) *****Needed a minor rephrase, but it's sourced now. Din&#39;s Fire 997 01:59, 14 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) Toprawa:
 * 8) * Din, right now the article is just too short. These one sentence paragraph haphazardly summarizing events should be fleshed out to the length of paragraphs.
 * 9) * Additionally, the article should be ordered to fit within our Layout Guide. If you go that page and go down to number 11, you'll see how a planet article should be sectioned. I would also recommend you take a look at Agamar, a recently passed Featured Article. That's just how a planet article should be done. You can use that as a model. Toprawa and Ralltiir 04:07, 15 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 10) * In that case, you'll need to add the bit in the intro to the body of the article as well. I can't say never, but an article should almost never have intro material not covered in the body someplace. Once in a blue moon an exception will rear its ugly head, but this is certainly not one of them. Toprawa and Ralltiir 05:27, 16 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) **Adressed all of that, I believe. Heck, I'm pretty sure this is technically long enough to be an FA now (not pushing my luck though). If there's anything else, I'll do it - I've come this far. Din&#39;s Fire 997 06:37, 16 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) ***I must say, Din, although I haven't read through it yet, I'm impressed. Just how it should look, at any rate. I'll review it soon. :) Toprawa and Ralltiir 15:38, 16 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) *Would be good to add a little bit here, to say it was located in Sith Space: " was the third planet in the Dromund system"
 * 14) *Please give a time frame (i.e. year) to give this greater context: "The site of a major battle during the New Sith Wars"
 * 15) *Weasel words like "possibly" and "apparently" are doorways to speculation, which is a big no-no when writing articles. If you can't reword to avoid the "possibly," I would suggest removing that little clause entirely: "for centuries, possibly even millennia"
 * 16) *What, specifically, does "average-sized" mean? In relation to what? Does the source say this, or are you extrapolating this from something? Greater clarification, specification would help here: "Dromund Kaas was an average-sized planet"
 * 17) *Again, "seemed" is one of these weasel words. Something either did or didn't. Write what you know: "Only very durable life-forms seemed to survive long in the swamps"
 * 18) *Please briefly describe who Kaan is here. Don't assume the reader knows who anyone is: "and Kaan's New Sith Empire"
 * 19) *Specify, with years, what these times in history were: "During varying points in history, Dromund Kaas was held by both the Old Sith Empire and Kaan's New Sith Empire."
 * 20) *Again, a year, please: "However, it was effectively abandoned until it became a refuge for rogue Sith Lord Darth Millennial"
 * 21) *Explain what the Rule of Two here is: "Having rejected the Rule of Two"
 * 22) *Year/time frame, please: "until its rediscovery by one Darth Sidious"
 * 23) *This sentence is highly speculative. Please reword to avoid saying "It is believed." Does the source explicitly say someone believed this? If so, who? "It is believed that Yoda may have personally investigated the system, however any such mission would have been known only to the highest ranks of the Jedi, and any records of the project have been lost."
 * 24) *Can we elaborate on this battle? If not, at the very least create an article for this battle, please: "Despite this level of secrecy, the 327th Star Corps would later fight a battle on Dromund Kaas during the Clone Wars"
 * 25) *Can we elaborate on what inscriptions these were: "learned of the planet from ancient inscriptions"
 * 26) *Please provide a date here. I'm almost certain it's 10 ABY: "until Jedi Knight Kyle Katarn learned of the planet from ancient inscriptions."
 * 27) *Calling these things abominations is pretty POV. Please choose a better word: "and battled many Sith abominations"
 * 28) *Please elaborate on what exactly Dark Mara is: "along with the apparition known as Dark Mara"
 * 29) *What, exactly, is an act of faith? "an act of faith in Katarn's heart"
 * 30) *Please reword the beginning of this sentence to avoid starting out with dead construction like "At this." At what? "At this, Katarn was able to overthrow the dark taint of the Temple,"
 * 31) *Not an objection, but a pointer. Linking should be done as followed: Link upon first mention in the intro and once again upon first mention in the body, and then avoid linking something again for the remainder of the article
 * 32) *Timeframes, please: "Built during the original Sith Empire, the Temple was deserted shortly after the Great Hyperspace War"
 * 33) *Who is Seviss Vaa? "the Temple's location eventually fell into the hands of Seviss Vaa"
 * 34) *Please add a little bit to the beginning of the BTS explaining where it first appeared in SW media.
 * 35) *Without checking, I suspect your source list may be out of order. It should be ordered by OOU publication date. Please check.
 * 36) *Overall, not bad, Din. Toprawa and Ralltiir 18:05, 17 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 37) **Adressed a lot of that, but there's a fair amount that simply can't be.
 * 38) **Dates are impossible in many cases. We don't knew when, exactly, any of these battles took place, and, since we don't know when Darth Millennial was even alive saying when he landed is also out.
 * 39) **"Only very durable life-forms seemed to survive long in the swamps" In fact, that is avoiding speculation. The only life-forms we've seen on Kaas are durable, but we can't use a blanket statment here. Hence "seemed." Of course, if "until otherwise proven" is okay, then I'll alter it.
 * 40) **To quote the original source "It's believed that Yoda may have visited the Dromund system." Doesn't say by whom.
 * 41) ** Nothing can be done about the "ancient inscriptions." We don't know when, where, or what they consisted of. It seems I was mistaken. JvS says 9 ABY.
 * 42) **Again, directly from Wizards.com "Kyle Katarn traveled there after learning of the witchworld in ancient inscriptions, battling a host of Sith abominations in the planet's seemingly endless bogs before succumbing to the spell of the dark side of the Force." That's what they're called. Abominations.
 * 43) **Not much can be added about Dark Mara. She was a spirit with a lightsaber. The end. If you can think of a way to add that bit without breaking up the prose, by all means, alter.
 * 44) **Act of faith is a real-world term
 * 45) **Anything else? I admit this is tiring, but darn it, I am getting this bloody thing through if it kills me.Din&#39;s Fire 997 03:25, 18 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 46) From the Bridge of Chack Jadson:
 * 47) * I agree with Toprawa. The article has too many two sentence paragraphs.
 * 48) * Also, check out the layout guie like he suggested. Model the article to fit that, and it will be much improved.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 21:07, 15 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 49) '''From the Dun Moch lacing the ferocious lighsaber slashes of Xadún:
 * 50) *Opening Quote. Is there something tht refers directly to the planet, rather than a vague swamp refernce?
 * 51) *"Dromund Kaas was the third planet in the Dromund system, and the lasting base of the Prophets of the Dark Side, whose Dark Force Temple contained such power in the the dark side of the Force that most weapons, excluding lightsabers, malfunctioned on its surface." Highly fragmented.
 * 52) *"Vines spread from tree to tree, and ysalamiri clung to some of the higher branches; however, as of 10 ABY, the planet boasted little in the way of native fauna. The majority of creatures to be encountered on Dromund Kaas were either imported, or Sithspawn created by dark Force users. Only very durable life-forms seemed to survive long in the swamps, with predators such as mailocs, vornskrs, and swamp wampas being among the dominant species. Ysalamiri are native to Mykr but the way they are refered to (i.e. before mentioning imported creatures) make appear native.
 * 53) * "During varying points in history" makes no sense.
 * 54) * "However, it was effectively abandoned until it became a refuge for rogue Sith Lord Darth Millennial sometime after 990 BBY." Why was it abandoned?
 * 55) *"It is believed that Yoda may have personally investigated the system, however any such mission would have been known only to the highest ranks of the Jedi, and any records of the project have been lost. Despite this level of secrecy, the 327th Star Corps would later fight a battle on Dromund Kaas during the Clone Wars." Any info as to how this battle came about?
 * 56) * "Abruptly ending the training of his pupil, Mara Jade, Katarn located the system and battled many Sith abominations to reach the Dark Force Temple, where he succumbed to the temptations of the dark side." how? did the Prophets turn him? did he believe in it's power over the light instead? Elaborate please.
 * 57) * "After he fell out of contact, Jade began to worry for the Jedi." "The Jedi" usually refers to the order as a whole. recommend replacing with something like 'mentor'.
 * 58) *"Setting out for Dromond Kaas herself, Jade worked her way through both local monsters and many Sith traps, eventually finding Katarn's shuttle, and later the Temple itself." You never mention traps before. What traps are they? describe them.
 * 59) * "After dueling for a time, Jade lowered her weapon in surrender—an act of faith in Katarn's heart." 'Dueling for a time' is unencyclopaedic. please revise.
 * 60) *"Seeing this display, Katarn realize that he could not kill his own friend and ally, and was able to overthrow the dark taint of the Temple, and free himself from the clutches of the dark side, fleeing the planet with Jade.[" Fragmented sentence. either revise to remove some of the 'and's or break it down.
 * 61) *"After enraging Sidious with one of his prophecies, Kadann pulled the Dark Force off of Dromund Kaas, relocating to Bosthirda. The planet would then remain, for the most part, deserted." For the most part? did some of the Prophets remain?
 * 62) *You often refer Dromund Kaas as an abandoned world. Only the temple settlements are abandoned; the rest of the world appears lush with vegetation and fauna.
 * 63) * " It can therefore be assumed that the mention of Thurra was a typo." Avoid assuming things as much as possible. It is enough that attention is draw to two systems being specified, so remove this sentence.
 * 64) * Rather shaky, on the whole. Darth Xadún ( Consult the Holocron ) 12:37, 3 June 2008 (UTC)

Comments

Well, seeing that no one has changed their vote to a positive one (even though I have addressed almost every addressable concern) I will assume that interest has waned (not surprising given recent policy battles regarding GA status) and will wait for the inevitable failure of this nomination. After a cool-down period, I intend to re-nominate. In any case, at least I’ve learned a bit from this endeavor. Cheers. Din&#39;s Fire 997 01:03, 7 May 2008 (UTC)