Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/First Battle of Korriban (Great Hyperspace War)


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

First Battle of Korriban (Great Hyperspace War)

 * Nominated by:  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:36, December 3, 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Yes, more TOTJ.

(4 ACs/2 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  17:09, January 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) —Tommy 9281  Mechnochair negwt.jpg ( Mechno-chair ) 04:46, February 2, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 10:14, February 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * 4) As long as pending objections are dealt with, of course. Skippy Farlstendoiro 09:41, February 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 00:41, February 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 6)  CC7567  (talk) 01:32, March 1, 2010 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Blacklist:
 * 2) * You use Great Hyperspace War' three times in the first four sentences of the intro, making the prose rather unwieldy.
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * All of the background info you give in the prelude makes it seem like you are gearing up to talk about the Great Hyperspace War itself. This section needs to be reworked so that it talks specifically about the events that led up to the battle of Korriban, not the Great Hyperspace War.
 * 5) **That section has been rewritten.
 * 6) * "Sadow's forces dropped out of hyperspace above the graveyard world of Korriban, but Sadow's forces were greeted someone they never expected..." "Sadow's forces" is used twice in the same sentence; please alternate.
 * 7) **Changed.
 * 8) * "the greatest threat the Sith Empire had ever known..." is copied right from the source. Please rewrite this in your own words.
 * 9) **Changed.
 * 10) * "However, Sadow had a plan; he ordered one of his doomed and nearly destroyed to make a suicide run..." One of his doomed and nearly destroyed whats?
 * 11) **Whoops. Addressed.
 * 12) *That's all. —Tommy 9281 Mechnochair negwt.jpg ( Mechno-chair ) 02:10, January 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 13) Soresu
 * 14) * The intro could be more chronological. You start with a mention of the Hyperspace War, then switch to the events leading up to it, before returning to events after the war. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 13:37, February 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * 15) **I disagree. The first sentence of the intro paragraph is the topic sentence, which I used to state what the battle is. The sentences following it are to give some context on Sadow and Kressh's history.  IFYLOFD  ( Floyd's crib ) 04:20, February 14, 2010 (UTC)
 * 16) ***Sadow defeated Kressh, who was forced to fake his death, leaving Sadow unopposed. The opening intro sentence seems to be talking about the actual battle. Then, somehow, you switch to a random event, which seems to be part of the battle mentioned in the last sentence, but upon further reading is actually just the prelude. It is confusing trying to figure out which is the actual battle. The intro needs more clarification in general. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 04:32, February 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 17) ***It is OK to have the topic sentence followed by the prelude, but you make no distinction between where one ends and another begins. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 04:35, February 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 18) ****Fine, addressed.  IFYLOFD  ( Floyd's crib ) 00:09, February 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 19) Attack of the Clone
 * 20) * I echo Soresu's objection. Can it somehow be made clearer what parts of the intro are supposed to be referring to the battle and what parts are just context? Even saying that Sadow and Kressh "met over Korriban" might help.
 * 21) **Addressed.
 * 22) ***Simply changing the tense doesn't completely solve it. Unless you have a better alternative, mentioning that they met over Korriban will help a great deal.  CC7567  (talk) 04:25, February 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 23) ****I'm not following you. How would saying they "met over Korriban" help with clarifying which is context and which isn't?
 * 24) *****"After his defeat at the Battle of Primus Goluud, Sadow returned to the Sith Empire with the remains of his battered fleet and was surprised by Kressh, who had gathered a full battle force. Laser fire ensued between the two sides, and many ships from both factions were destroyed. However, Sadow had a plan. He ordered one of his damaged ships to collide with Kressh's flagship. The strategy was successful, and Kressh was killed, instantly ending the battle with a victory for Sadow. " Absolutely none of this gives any indication to the specific location and therefore does not clarify that it's describing the battle&mdash;which is supposed to be the subject of the article. Everything before that only deals with context, and the distinguishing between the context and the battle in the intro is nonexistent.  CC7567  (talk) 22:01, February 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * 25) ******Ah-ha, now I get it. Addressed. Thanks for clearing that up.
 * 26) * Can it be clarified whether or not Kressh faked his death in the Prelude? You allude to it in the intro but don't specify it until too late in the body.
 * 27) **Addressed.
 * 28) *Linking is becoming a constant problem with your nominations, Floyd. Please learn how to do it properly.  CC7567  (talk) 20:55, February 14, 2010 (UTC)

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