Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Darth Malak (second nomination)

Darth Malak

 * Nominated by:  05:42, July 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: "This is but a taste of the dark side to whet your appetite."&mdash;Darth Malak

Support

 * 1) The time I nommed Malak for GA wasn't as hard as yours. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 17:08, July 14, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) The new info is covered perfectly, Kasra, although that's some mighty fine redundancy on CUSWE's part with 6 entries for him =P.  NAYAYEN : TALK 16:12, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) Great Job, you can find all about Malak from this article; who he was, before sithhood and everything else. Great quality and pictures.--DARTH RAGE 22:03, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 4) The first emperor's representatives are well-known named. Darth Revan and Darth Malak. Nice article!--Lord David 04:23, August 31, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5) Well done. You'll have to do Revan next.-- ID-21 Dolphin  DolphinJedi.png(Talk) 23:53, September 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * 6) After many reviews and copy-edits on IRC :P Cylka  -talk- 01:42, October 2, 2010 (UTC)
 * 7) Well done! Not that you need more regular user votes :P SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 07:50, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * 8)  CC7567  (talk) 06:19, October 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 9) IRC-reviewed, excellent! (: --Tm_T(Talk) 21:06, October 14, 2010 (UTC)

Trayus Academy

 * The sentences in the intro are pretty short and choppy, and don't really flow into one another very well. Could you combine a few, or make them seem more relevant to one another?
 * I think I got some, let me know if more work needs to be done.-- 09:23, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * It's better but here's an example of what I mean: "Alek was a Human male born on the planet Quelii. When the Mandalorians attacked his homeworld, he escaped the battle. Shortly after, the Galactic Republic's immigration records assigned the name of Alek's home village as his surname. He was trained in the ways of the Jedi Order, eventually becoming a Jedi Knight.&mdash;the short sentences are really choppy and don't seem to relate to one another. There are a few other sections with a similar issue. I don't know if it helps everyone, but something that prevents me from doing this is reading it aloud to hear the flow, as its sometimes able to catch visually. I dunno. However you do it, these and others could be strung together a bit smoother. A suggestion would be "When the Mandalorians attacked his homeworld, he escaped the battle and fled towards Galactic Republic space. The Republics immigration records assigned the name of Alek's home village, Squinquargesimus, as his surname, and so for a time he was known to his comrades as "Squint"." That way the two sentences are related, and the note about his surname is more relevant to the intro. You can word it however you like though, as this is just a suggestion. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 21:20, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Gotcha, I think. Please try it.-- 21:50, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * In the intro, could you give some information on how Malak got involved in the war before you go into Zayne and the Covenant?
 * Done.--
 * Could you also give a bit of explanation as to why he took the name Malak?
 * Done.-- 09:33, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * I'll pick this up later when I have more time, but that's what I'll leave you with for tonight. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 08:59, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Looking forward to it, show no mercy. Seriously.-- 09:33, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * You could condense the paragraph in "The Adasca Affair" regarding how Carrick got on the Legacy&mdash;all that needs to be said is that he arrived with Karath. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 21:20, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Better?-- 21:32, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Although I'm not quite done, the body looks great, and I'm impressed by your handling of the Demagol/Dyre explanations. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 21:20, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks, I was concerned about the Dyre/Demagol issue.-- 21:32, July 16, 2010 (UTC)

Attack of the Clone
the info must be presented in an appropriate manner that focuses more on the character than the time line of events.  CC7567  (talk) 08:17, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * The "Darth Malak" name is mentioned nowhere in the intro. I'd even recommend that you start off the intro with Darth Malak's info (saying that he was a Sith Lord, mostly) instead of mentioning Alek first, since that's the primary legacy he left. Additionally, the first sentence of the intro should convey more of his significance, as it currently only says he was a human&mdash;and that doesn't seem very notable, to be honest.
 * I had done this, in an attempt to do what I had done with Rawk, but I guess it didn't work out as well this time. Please try it.&mdash; 04:52, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * Please trim down the detail you put into the discussion between Alek and Carrick in the second paragraph of "Recruiting for the Revanchists," as it's overall too p-b-p with too much unnecessary detail.
 * Cut some stuff out.&mdash; 04:46, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * I know that I brought this objection up during Malak's first nomination, and I know we discussed it them, but can the placement of the context surrounding the Covenant's framing of Carrick be evaluated&mdash;or possibly moved to when Alek/Malak actually becomes involved in the situation? I don't think I can stress enough that every single piece of information in articles needs to be presented in its proper place, and since Malak hasn't been affected by this yet, I'm still unsure if this is the best place to put it. You might consider shortening it, if it can be shortened any further. Please see what you can do about this.
 * Hmm, you make a good point. The only problem with this is that Carrick's on the run in the Flashpoint Station section, so this provides context for why he's a fugitive. If you want me to move it, or do something with it, I will, though.&mdash; 05:29, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * As much as I'd still like it to be moved somewhere else, I admittedly can't find an appropriate place to do so, so it should be fine where it is now. However, I'd still like you to shorten it somewhat; every piece of information must be directly relevant to Malak, and everything else must be brief and concise. This particular context is a bit wordy and has some info whose relevance is rather shady. Here's what I'd recommend: something along the lines of "After Alek and the Revanchists left Taris, however, Lucien Draay and his fellow Jedi Masters of the secret Jedi organization known as the Covenant acted on a vision, killing their Padawans in an attempt to prevent the rise of a potential Sith Lord among them and framing Carrick for the crime. Carrick was subsequently forced to hide from the Jedi Order and civil authorities." While this example may not be very different than what you already have, the point I'm trying to make is that it must be worded according to relevance rather than chronology;
 * Cool. I reworded the info and combined the paragraphs, so it's just two for that section, now.&mdash; 16:39, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * "who had helped Carrick to elude the Jedi Masters on Taris": this objection depends on how the previous one is handled, but if you decide to move the Covenant context, you might want to provide different context for Jarael. Was she an associate/ally of Carrick? If that's the case, it might be more appropriate to say that, as it's more specific.
 * See above.&mdash; 05:29, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * "En route to the galactic capital, however, Demagol fell into a drug-induced coma and could not be awakened to stand trial. In actuality, Demagol had drugged Rohlan Dyre and switched armors with the Mandalorian deserter in order to travel with Jarael, Carrick, and their companions." Like the context on the Covenant, is this context really relevant here? I honestly don't find it to be, seeing as Malak still isn't yet involved in this. Please clarify.
 * Normally, I would move this, but Demagol is involved in other situations with Malak, including the Adasca Affair, the return to Taris, his confrontation with him on Wor Tandell, etc. To just call him Dyre in all these instances, I feel, would be an error.&mdash; 04:46, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * Can this be moved to "The Adasca Affair," then? I'm definitely not trying to suggest that you should simply remove this canonical info, but what I am saying is that it's not totally relevant here. Going on to say something like "Demagol, who had secretly switched armors with Dyre and was posing as the deserter" when you first mention Demagol in "The Adasca Affair" would be more prudent, I think.  CC7567  (talk) 08:17, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * Done. If you think the info about Dyre being drugged is too much, I'll remove it, but I do feel it needs to be there to show that Demagol didn't just switch armors with Dyre's consent, the reader will want to know how.&mdash; 16:39, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * I have to stop there due to time constraints, and I'll continue with "The Adasca Affair" soon.  CC7567  (talk) 02:17, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * Alright, cool. If you want, I can access IRC now, so if you want I'll meet you on there sometime. Also, in the intro you put Darth in a plural. I'm not sure that can be done, and that generally is frowned upon, from what I've seen.&mdash; 04:46, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * I've reverted that, then.  CC7567  (talk) 08:17, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
 * A quick query regarding the changes you made about the last objection I left: you added this ref to source the fact that Demagol was posing as Dyre, but didn't add a follow-up ref for the one that the entire paragraph was referenced do. That being said, is all of that info you just added citable to KotOR 47, since that's what the referencing currently holds? Please check this and clarify.
 * I think I got this, please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "This was in response to the invitation that Arkoh Adasca&mdash;the eighth lord of the House of Adasca and the leader of the Adascorp medical corporation&mdash;had extended to Revan. Prior to Alek's departure, several Jedi experienced visions regarding the possible importance of Adasca's "discovery" and the role it could play in the ongoing conflict. Alek was instructed by Revan to ensure that this new danger was taken out of the mix." This passage is overall rather choppy and a little unclear. Can you specify what Adasca's invitation was for and what his "discovery" was? Both of these details are currently missing from this part of the article. Also, "taken out of the mix" is a little colloquial; please be more specific in what you're trying to say here.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * The invitation is still unclear, and the discovery itself still comes out of the blue. Here's what I'd recommend: add "who had discovered" after the context on Adasca in dashes (the part that ends with "Adascorp medical corporation") and explain exactly what he discovered with the exogorths. Did he create them? Manufacture them? Reintroduce them to the galaxy?  CC7567  (talk) 21:58, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:51, August 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * Even though it's still not clear what the invitation was for, I'm going to strike this objection for now for reasons I'm explaining in the Comments section.  CC7567  (talk) 06:24, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Alek confided to Jarael that he did not believe Zayne Carrick was guilty of the charges levied against him." I'm quite sure that you're referring to the Covenant's framing of Carrick for being the perpetrator of the Padawan Massacre, but as you haven't said before that there were charges levied against him, it's rather unclear what these charges are. Please reword for clarification; framing someone for something isn't the same as actually levying charges against that person&mdash;in fact, one is usually legal and the other is usually not.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Jarael attempted to make Alek see that Adasca was a madman": how exactly did she do this? Did she do it physically, with phsyical evidence or something? The word choice is a little ambiguous here, as you don't mention exactly how Jarael did so, and that leaves room for misinterpretation. If this is all a conversation and Jarael isn't actually making Alek "see" anything, then please reword accordingly, but if it's something physical, then please provide more detail.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Later, aboard the vessel, Adasca revealed his plan to use giant worm-like creatures, known as exogorths, as destructive biological weapons." What or whom was Adasca planning to use them on? If it isn't known, he still has to have a reason for planning to use the exogorths, which is what I'm looking for. Please clarify.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Alek's disgust transformed into alarm": what exactly caused this? You don't specifically link this to Mandalore the Ultimate's announcement, so please do so if that's what you intended to do. Also, the jump from Karath's dialogue to here is rather rough, so please try to reword it for better flow.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Alek's disgust transformed into alarm, and he lit his lightsaber&hellip;" "Alek leaped forward and ignited his lightsaber&hellip;": so he ignited his lightsaber twice? Please clarify.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Mandalore the Ultimate's reason for attending the Adasca meeting (i.e. the question if he was even invited) is not clarified anywhere. Please do so, as it's quite a necessary detail.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "After the devastating events of the battle at Serroco, Zayne Carrick, along with Karath, Lieutenant Carth Onasi, and Commander Dallan Morvis, escaped Karath's command ship aboard Onasi's own ship." Why did they have to escape&mdash;and why did Karath have to escape his own command ship, for that matter? Although the reason for the transfer of ships is currently unclear, I'm not sure if it's is necessary at all&mdash;if they "fled the battle aboard Onasi's ship," you can simply say so without having to mention Karath's ship, which is the part that I'm not totally convinced is relevant. Please reevaluate the necessity and relevance of this detail; if you choose to keep it, please also add more context to make it clearer, though not too much.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Looking at the content of this passage, I suspect that you're trying to place Karath's escape from Serroco before Adasca's meeting, yet the article currently isn't doing that. Please clarify; if Karath escaped the battle before the meeting, please reword all appropriate content with the past perfect tense ("had escaped," "had boarded") instead of regular past tense, which is what you're using right now.  CC7567  (talk) 21:58, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Please take a look at it.&mdash; 02:34, August 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * "After Draay and Carrick destroyed the HK-24 units watching them": specifically, where were these droids? On the Legacy? In space? Somewhere else? (And why were they watching them?)
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Can the reason for Carrick's and the others' boarding of the Legacy be clarified earlier? If they were doing so to "put an end to Adasca's scheme," you should say that from the start instead of waiting to do so later. If it was another reason, please clarify that too.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * That's not quite what I'm looking for; I'm referring to the part where you say "Shortly after Karath received a transmission from Vamm regarding Adasca's meeting, Carrick boarded the Legacy with Karath, Onasi, and Morvis." Were they boarding the ship with the intention of interrupting the meeting? Please clarify.  CC7567  (talk) 21:58, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Better?&mdash; 02:51, August 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Alek was shocked that Draay would deny them passage just to get to Carrick. Before Carrick could comply with Draay": What exactly is Draay doing here? You do say that he's denying the group passage "just to get to Carrick," but you never directly clarify what he was trying to do&mdash;arrest him, kill him, or whatever else. Please fix this missing detail.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * That still doesn't really clarify it. If "Alek was surprised when Draay denied them passage just to arrest Carrick," then saying so will make it clearer.  CC7567  (talk) 21:58, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Better?&mdash; 02:34, August 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * I've fixed this myself; please take a look at my edit to see what I meant.  CC7567  (talk) 06:24, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Alek traveled with Carrick and his crew in the Williwaw to Taris in order help the resistance there": who exactly is intending to go and aid the resistance? You make it sound like Alek, Carrick, and the latter's crew were going, but then only Carrick gets dropped off. Please clarify if possible.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * The "reuniting with" isn't really being used correctly here; "reunite" is a transitive verb, which means that you have to say "Alek was helping to aid the fugitive in being reunited with Hieroglyph" in order for it to work. (Overall, though, I would recommend just going with a more appropriate/specific word choice, like "rendezvousing" or "meeting up with," though it depends on whether or not Carrick knew that Hieroglyph was alive&mdash;that part needs to be clarified too.) Also, why didn't Alek go with Carrick to Taris if he was trying to help him to get reunited with Hieroglyph? Please clarify if known.  CC7567  (talk) 21:58, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * How about now?&mdash; 02:34, August 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Soon after, Carrick's former Master, Lucien Draay, gained a seat on the High Council on Coruscant. In the Council Chamber before the other Masters, Draay claimed that the path that Revan sought was wrong for both the Republic and the Jedi. The Council approved Draay's first motion, which involved the recall&mdash;and if necessary, the detention&mdash;of all the Revanchists, as well as any renegade Jedi." Was Alek actually there in the Council Chamber when this was taking place? If not, I'm not sure why this much detail (mostly the mention of the Council's location in the Chamber) is completely relevant; please clarify.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "After sending a holographic transmission": this is really quite minor, but what exactly was this transmission for? An arrangement for their meeting? And is it necessary to mention the transmission at all, seeing as the Jedi Masters apparently agreed to meet with them?
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Lamar stated that if they accused Krynda Draay": accuse her of what, specifically? Please clarify.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Like for one of your previous additions, I suspect that the ref you added for the "Covenanters" name is just for that name, yet it's currently presented as a source for all of the KotOR 31 info. Please clarify.  CC7567  (talk) 21:58, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Fixed.&mdash; 17:43, August 27, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Alek was then sent to the Revanchists with a final warning": I'm assuming that this is another "disband or else" warning, but please clarify all the same.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Please try to link the "Masks" quote caption to Malak somehow; the quote doesn't seem completely appropriate if Malak isn't mentioned somewhere.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * There are two minor issues with the new quote: one, the ending italic formatting for "sanction" seems to have been misplaced, and two, the punctuation for the end of the sentence is missing. Please fix this.  CC7567  (talk) 21:58, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Fixed.&mdash; 02:51, August 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * Please check the third paragraph of the "Masks" section and eliminate any detail that is unnecessary to Jarael's vision of Malak. For example, you could say that Jarael was simply "on Jervo's World, accompanying Carrick to a swoopdueling event, when she experienced her vision." I'd recommend chopping off as much of the unnecessary context as possible.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * Coming from someone who is mostly unfamiliar with all of this source material, most of these objections pertain to clarity; sometimes, what you're trying to say doesn't always come off as completely clear. I recommend trying to check through the rest of the article for this issue before I continue my review. I'll pick up from "Confrontation on Wor Tandell" once these are fixed.  CC7567  (talk) 08:20, August 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * OK, I'll take a look through.&mdash; 02:20, August 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * As a side note, I removed some stuff due to Cylka's review, so just letting you know before you continue your review.&mdash; 02:51, 2010-08-28 (UTC)

Cylka
important to Alek's story, which is the focus. There is a great deal of information about Malak and I think that anything that isn't critical to his life should be removed in order to lose weight. Otherwise some of readers may lose interest in reading this article.
 * Talking about the Mandalorians assaulting the Republic and the resulting Mandalorian Wars you call them the invading forces and that is fine. However, a couple of sentences later you talk about Revan and Malak scouting before the Mandalorian invasion after being prohibited by the Order. The wording seems to muddle the timeline a bit. I think you need to clear up the difference between the Mandalorian assault and invasion.
 * A doctor later informed Alek, who had lost his hair due to Demagol's experiments, that his hair would not grow back. - This sentence doesn't fit at the end of the paragraph. It would fit better after the description of Demagol's tests on Alek.
 * I'm not sure that you need to add that Eejee invited Karath since it makes it seem that Eejee was acting on his own instead of Adasca's orders. As I recall, that wasn't the situation. You should also include that Mandalore was invited to the meeting. Otherwise it seems as if he just “popped” in.
 * and he lit his lightsaber when Mandalore the Ultimate, the leader of the Mandalorians, announced his arrival to the meeting via holotransmission. As Mandalore entered the Arkanian Legacy, Alek leaped forward and ignited his lightsaber in an attempt to kill Mandalore and end the war. - This is redundant.
 * I'm not convinced that Camper needs to be included in the article. I think that his role isn't very well explained and the necessary context would add too much weight to the article. Camper isn't critical to Alek's story. He doesn't need to be named as the owner of the Last Resort. You can avoid mentioning him when Jarael talks on her comlink. And him controlling the exogorths can be described as them going out of control. As for Jarael refusing Alek based on Adasca and Camper, you can simply say that she had recently lost her faith in men or whatnot and isn't ready.
 * After the devastating events of the battle at Serroco, Zayne Carrick, along with Karath, Lieutenant Carth Onasi, and Commander Dallan Morvis, escaped Karath's command ship aboard Onasi's own ship.[28] After Karath received a transmission from Vamm regarding Adasca's meeting,[26] Carrick boarded the Legacy with Karath, Onasi, and Morvis, but Carrick was then imprisoned with his former Master, Lucien Draay,[27] who had been ordered by Haazen, a co-founder of the Jedi Covenant, to investigate Adasca,[26] an old friend of Draay's.[27] After Draay and Carrick destroyed the HK-24 units watching them, they met up with Onasi and Demagol and worked together to create a plan to compromise Adasca's scheme. – Again, it seems to me that there is information that is unneeded at this point. There isn't anyway to add context about the escape from Karath's ship without adding too much weight. I also think you could simply state that Carrick and Draay escaped without adding who they defeated. These points aren't
 * While Karath, Morvis, and Onasi escaped on the Deadweight, the others searched for another ship, since Alek's ship had been destroyed in one of the docking bays. Alek was shocked that Draay would deny them passage just to get to Carrick. Before Carrick could comply with Draay, the Moomo Williwaw, the starship of the Ithorian bounty hunters Dob and Del Moomo, crashed into the Legacy. This prevented Draay from apprehending Carrick, and Alek traveled with Carrick and his crew in the Williwaw to Taris in order help the resistance there. - The part about Draay denying them passage to get Carrick is really confusing to the casual reader. If someone isn't entirely familiar with the comics, they will have no idea what this is about. You need to find a way to rewrite this so that people who haven't read the comics can understand what is going on. However, make sure that you don't add too much weight since Draay's issues with Carrick affect Alek slightly.
 * When the Williwaw returned to Taris, the ship was hassled by Mandalorians that had recently invaded the world. Once Demagol had managed to get the Mandalorians to fly away from the ship, Alek signaled to Carrick, who was dressed in the Mandalorian armor that he had acquired from Demagol on the Legacy. With a jetpack, Carrick then rocketed down to the city below. After this, Alek and the crew flew off in the Williwaw. - Again, this is too much info. You could simply state that the Williwaw dropped off Carrick and Alek and the rest of the crew flew off. Please spend some time going through the article and reducing where you can.
 * I'm going to stop my review at this point in order to give you time to go through the article. Just by skimming further along I feel that the destruction of Jebbel, Draay's actions as part of the High Council, Xamar's defection and the subsequent destruction of the Covenant are too detailed. Very little of it involved Alek. I know that my review may seem a bit contrary to the reviews given by others, but some sections really need to be slimmed down. Cylka  -talk- 02:53, August 20, 2010 (UTC)
 * Alright, I think I've taken care of all these objections, please try it.&mdash; 04:42, August 23, 2010 (UTC)
 * Further objections are being taken care of on IRC. Cylka  -talk- 21:13, September 19, 2010 (UTC)

The clone returns

 * I know I'm being rather picky here again, but is there any chance that the dialogue in the second paragraph of The Adasca Affair can be shortened? It seems a bit extraneous right now.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 23:40, October 2, 2010 (UTC)
 * "When Adasca struck Jarael for talking through her wrist comlink, Alek ignited his lightsaber and placed the blade near Adasca's throat, using it as leverage to "persuade" Adasca not to hurt her again before deactivating it once more." Is this bit essential to the main line of events? I know that it's important in highlighting Alek's care for Jarael, but it might be better placed in the P&T instead of the Bio, as it doesn't seem like a necessary detail to the biography's events. Please see what you can do.
 * Moved to the "Relationship with Jarael" subsection.&mdash; 23:40, October 2, 2010 (UTC)
 * In the first paragraph of the Confrontation on Wor Tandell, can you shorten the dialogue a bit? It's again getting to be a little long-winded.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 23:40, October 2, 2010 (UTC)
 * Quite good so far. I'll continue with "Dark Lord of the Sith" soon.  CC7567  (talk) 21:17, October 2, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks.&mdash; 23:40, October 2, 2010 (UTC)
 * "and ordered Admiral Saul Karath aboard his flagship, the Leviathan, to destroy the planet": it's a bit unclear what the "aboard the Leviathan" part is supposed to be referring to. Do you mean that Malak and Karath were aboard the ship when Malak ordered him to destroy Taris, or that Karath was ordered to destroy Taris with the Leviathan? Please clarify.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 04:59, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * "to track down the allies": who exactly are the "allies"? Allies of whom? Please clarify.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 04:59, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * "The Jedi Council had sensed this would happen and attempted to evacuate everyone, but they were unsuccessful": what part, specifically, was "unsuccessful"? It's not very clear here, especially since you go on to say that the Council escaped and some artifacts were salvaged.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 04:59, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * "During Arkoh Adasca's auction for the exogorth superweapons, Adasca struck Jarael for talking through her wrist comlink. In response, Alek ignited his lightsaber and placed the blade near Adasca's throat, using it as leverage to "persuade" Adasca not to hurt her again before deactivating it once more." Perhaps you could mention somewhere here how this example highlights Malak's "protectiveness" of her, if it can be stated that way; it'll link it a bit better to the P&T.
 * Please try it.&mdash; 04:59, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * Is it really necessary to mention in the Bts all the comics covers that Malak was on? It seems to be a tad unnecessary; please clarify.
 * I had thought these were notable, but probably is just fluff. Removed.&mdash; 04:59, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * That should be it from me. Good work.  CC7567  (talk) 07:53, October 3, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks very much for the review, CC!&mdash; 04:59, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * Can it be directly clarified somewhere that at some point in time Malak took the Leviathan as his flagship? After it's first introduced as Karath's flagship, the connection isn't made until the "Betraying the Master" section, so I think this can be clarified a bit better.  CC7567  (talk) 06:48, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * Done.&mdash; 00:25, October 5, 2010 (UTC)

Soresu

 * Alright, I've got me yearly exams coming up in a week, but I was never a believer in suddenly doing so much study for a number, so I'll get through as much as I can. Bear with me though, I don't have much experience with FAN reviews.
 * No prob, anybody is welcome. Wanna get Malak as perfect as possible.&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * ''"It's ridiculous, don't you see? The Sith threat ended what, 30 years ago? The Mandalorians are the threat. The Mandalorian are here... almost. We need every able-bodied Jedi we can get." Is that meant to be "The Mandalorians are here... almost?"
 * Fixed.&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * Could you give a date on the start of the Mandalorian Wars?
 * Done.&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * Sometime before 3,964 BBY, both of the young men completed their training and attained the rank of Jedi Knight. Could that be integrated closer to In the year 3,964 BBY, Alek and the Revanchists began participating in the war effort through a scouting mission along the Outer Rim. The Wars were ten years before, so putting it there is a bit early IMO.
 * Better?&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * If Alek called Revan "his honorary Master," should he be in the infobox as his Jedi Master as well as Sith?
 * So did the other members of the Revanchists, if I recall. I'm not too keen on adding him as his actual Master in the infobox.&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * however, Lucien Draay and his fellow Jedi Masters of the secret Jedi organization known as the Covenant acted on a vision,[18] murdering their Padawans[19] in an attempt to prevent the rise of a potential Sith Lord,[18] and framed Carrick for the crime. Could it be specified that Carrick survived? He can't be framed if he's dead.
 * Better?&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * The sentence is a litte long and could be split between "Sith Lord" and "and framed", with the second half being re-integrated into the final sentence. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 04:08, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * Fixed.&mdash; 06:54, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * When the light struck it Nitpicky, but "the" should never be used unless you've referred to the object before.
 * Better?&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * More to come. Up to Confrontation on Wor Tandell. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:57, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks.&mdash; 00:24, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * In the image for "Battle of Rakata Prime", could you crop out that disturbance on the left and re-centre him if necessary?
 * Gladly, fixed.&mdash; 07:46, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * According to the Knights of the Old Republic video game's lead designer, James Ohlen, as the designers at BioWare began to flesh out their initial story about Revan, they realized that they needed a good antagonist. Needing a good antagonist is a little bit obvious. Could you be more specific as to what role he needed to fulfill?
 * Explained.&mdash; 07:46, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * Why isn't the bit about him being a Sith Magnus stated anywhere but in the bts?
 * Because there is no official conformation as to what exactly it is. I recently asked Pena on his SW.com thread, but he hasn't answered yet.&mdash; 07:46, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * And that's it! Nice work, Kasra! And now to do some study so I don't fail the exams ^_^ SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 07:34, October 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much for the review, Soresu! And I hope you do well with those exams!&mdash; 07:46, October 5, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

 * Here's the first time I nommed Malak for the FAs. Changes have been made since then. Also, yes, it will be updated for new info from Timeline 9: The Mandalorian Wars, although as far as I know that is the only new source coming out featuring him. If any new sources or appearances do come out, you can be sure that I'll update the article.-- 05:42, July 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * If you don't mind, while I go through I may do some rewording similar to what I did in the first few paragraphs of the intro. If it messes up your meaning or if you just don't like what I've done, feel free to revert. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 09:01, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Alright, thanks. Not too worried about this.-- 09:34, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * If you could, I think that adding and/or moving more details to the first two or three sentences to the beginning paragraph. That way people who don't know Malak(though I don't know who wouldn't) would be able to tell who he was by reading the first two sentences. Otherwise, Great Job. You have my Support!--DARTH RAGE 22:00, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Will update with info from Timeline 9 soon.&mdash; 05:38, August 9, 2010 (UTC)
 * No new info.&mdash; 01:12, August 10, 2010 (UTC)
 * Is there any reason why you removed the "meters" link in the infobox? That's the only meter there is here in Star Wars.  CC7567  (talk) 08:20, August 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * I was under the impression that this was a matter of personal preference, whether or not to link meters. I guess it's fine.&mdash; 08:50, August 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * I apologize, Kasra, but I'm going to have to stop my review there for now. I'm not sure what my activity is going to be like over the next few weeks, and I want to give Cylka (who's definitely more familiar with all of the material than I am) a chance to help you polish up the article without me getting in the way. I'll continue my review from where I left off once Cylka is done with hers, though I may end up just starting from the beginning depending on how much the article changes. Hope you understand.  CC7567  (talk) 06:24, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * No problem, CC, I understand.&mdash; 15:16, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * Heya! IGN has included Malak in a couple of lists: They ranked him on their list of the greatest SW characters of all time, and  on their list of the greatest video game bosses of all time. How do you feel about including this in the bts? As he's the main baddie of a super-popular video game, a paragraph about his impact on popular culture might be a good idea. If so, the sentence about the "100 greatest things about SW ever" Insider article might have a better home in it; it kinda looks out of place where it currently is. Menkooroo 16:50, September 10, 2010 (UTC)
 * I saw these, and was actually pondering this, thanks for bringing this up, Menk! I'll add these and see if anyone objects.&mdash; 16:52, September 10, 2010 (UTC)