Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Arbeloa

Arbeloa

 * Nominated by: Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 01:45, June 24, 2013 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:Figured I'd start to add some Invasion stuff since there's not going to be any more new issues. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 01:45, June 24, 2013 (UTC)

Support

 * 1) Good work on the objections. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 12:07, September 29, 2013 (UTC)

501st

 * Intro: Context on Artorias? It would probably also be good to say it fell to the enemy, to give context on the refugees.
 * added some more context in the intro.
 * "Later, Arbeloa joined forces with the Artorian princess, Kaye Galfridian, and other slaves in a revolt on their slaveship, the Tsam P'ah." I wouldn't say here that it was their worldship. Saying it was the one they were imprisoned would be better.
 * reworded for more clarity.
 * Body: You have no linking or context for the Yuuzhan Vong. You should add that they invaded the galaxy. Also, when you say around the Battle of Dantooine, give us a date as well - 25 ABY.
 * added some more details.
 * You still need to link to the Yuuzhan Vong.
 * Linked.
 * You need to mention that Artorias fell in the body, and that the Pythea was destroyed.
 * added.
 * Last sentence of early life is not reffed now. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 11:51, June 25, 2013 (UTC)
 * added a reference for it, but it's never shown in the comics. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 02:18, June 28, 2013 (UTC)
 * Context on Sha'kel?
 * added the fact that he was the commander of the ship.
 * Dibrook section: Context as to what is happening? Why are they suddenly at the space station. Also, you need to mention that they renamed the slave ship.
 * added some more information on why they were there.
 * Context on Ogden?
 * Added some more information to establish context of his appearance.
 * "When Ogden tried to usurp command from Galfridian, Arbeloa was directed to take the captain somewhere and bind him tightly to keep him out of the way. [6]" Did Arby do so? You should state so if he did.
 * Added. It's never shown in the comics, other than afterwords when he's already tied up and Kaye confronts him.
 * The Dibrook section has a little too much play-by-play with the talking. Could you cut some of this out?
 * I've tried to reword it some, but I've tried to be inclusive of all stuff that is going on in the source. He's pretty heavily featured in the comics.
 * Here's some play by play that could be toned down: "As the invasion force approached the shaper research facility, Galfridian ordered Arbeloa to give the order to halt but he assumed she was deferring to him due to her inexperience in leading. When he told her that she shouldn't be afraid to give orders and lead her troops, she pointed out that she ordered him to give the command due to his large size and the fact that she was small and likely to be overlooked. He apologized and gave the command and Galfridian thanked him for his encouragement." This talking back and forth is not quite needed, so try to cut out the unnecessary parts of this dialogue.
 * Ok cleaned that section up some. Thanks for the suggestions.
 * There is still some more play by play in that section, so read it over. Play-by-play uisually occurs when you have dialogue between people too often, or too much Vader sliced with his lightsaber stuff. You have her e a bit too much dialogue I think.
 * Ok did some more cleanup to eliminate the wordiness, let me know if that's better.
 * I'll be back with more. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 22:15, June 24, 2013 (UTC)
 * The proper name for the enemy is not Vong, but Yuuzhan Vong. Please use the latter in your article.
 * fixed all abbreviations of Vong to full name.
 * Please go through and try to give more context to things. You have a lot of characters who are contextless. Additionally, go through and make sure everything flows. A lot of the article is disjointed. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 22:55, June 24, 2013 (UTC)
 * created several articles for some of the characters. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 05:17, August 4, 2013 (UTC)
 * I meant that you should give some context to some of the context less things in the article. For example, Tsalok has no context whatsoever, so we don't know who or what he is. Look through the article and make sure everything has some context, if its needed. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 14:07, August 4, 2013 (UTC)
 * added some stuff and reworded some things to give them more context. Thanks for the suggestions. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 04:03, August 18, 2013 (UTC)
 * "and Arbeloa helped subdue an unidentified Twi'lek thrall" Here you have to pipelink the Twi'lek Thrall.
 * done.
 * "Arbeloa was able to rip open one of the membranes and rescue a single child. They managed to escape before her mother obliterated the Yuuzhan Vong compound with the weapons of the Heart of Artorias." Okay, here you have it sounding like Nina is the mother of the small child. Additionally, I think you should mention the mother earlier, and maybe explain why she is commanding the ship. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 11:52, August 18, 2013 (UTC)
 * ok reworded to make it more clear. Also added some more context for Nina, but I don't think this article really needs the details on why Nina was in control of the ship. It's not really germane to the article. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 23:58, August 18, 2013 (UTC)
 * Could you refer to Nina by name as her mother? Currently you pipelink to Nina via her mother, but never say it outright.
 * Ok reworked the Dibrook section some more to give context to Nina in reference to who she is and where she is. Hope this is better.  Thanks.
 * I'll continue the review soon, though I think I saw a refless paragraph in the Dibrook section. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 20:56, August 19, 2013 (UTC)
 * Last paragraph of Dibrook has a lot of play by play conversation in it. Please cut a bit of it out, or condense it.
 * reworded the paragraph some, let me know if that's better.
 * "During the fierce battle, Arbeloa saved the journalist Cianba who was covering the battle, by throwing her to the ground." I would add here that by throwing her to the ground, he saved her from a threat. Mention of the threat would be nice as well.
 * added more context to it.
 * I think the P&T could be expanded a bit. Mention of his brutality in taking off the Vong commander's scalp would be nice, and maybe mention of how he stuck at the Galfridian's side would be nice. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 00:12, August 31, 2013 (UTC)
 * added more to the P&T section. Thanks for the review. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 01:30, August 31, 2013 (UTC)
 * His gender needs to be mentioned in the intro and the body.
 * Added.
 * Intro should have mention of Dibrook and Shramar in it.
 * Added.
 * You mention the Battle of Dantooine by name in the body. Are you sure that it was reffered to as such in any of the books? I seem to remember a lot of battle articles failing to have conjecture tags when required. If it is conjecture, you need to pipelink it.
 * I didn't write the intro, and it's never clearly stated when the invasion of Vonak happened but that battle isn't mentioned. Reworded.
 * First sentence of Dibrook section: I would mention right away that it is the Dibrook station they are at, not later in the second sentence.
 * Did some rewording. I think I've pretty clearly stated the sequence of events of their arrival.
 * Context on Dibrook in body
 * Added location and the fact it's an inhospitable planet.
 * "As the invasion force approached the shaper research facility..." Is this where the captives are? It might be good to clarify.
 * Added
 * "The invasion force's rear guard was attacked by a group of thralls and Arbeloa helped subdue a Twi'lek thrall. Soon after, a recon force was attacked..." Try not to use attack twice in a row here.
 * Reworded.
 * Context on the AT-ST in the Shramar section. Just saying it is a walker will do fine. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 00:02, September 18, 2013 (UTC)
 * Added. Thanks for the review! <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 00:54, September 18, 2013 (UTC)
 * I'll look it over more when I have time. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 20:23, September 24, 2013 (UTC)
 * "When Ogden tried to usurp command from Galfridian, Arbeloa was directed to take the captain somewhere and bind him tightly to keep him out of the way, and the officer was taken inside the Heart and bound to an outcrop in a corridor of the ship." Please kill one of the takes here.
 * reworded.
 * Maybe something about his surprise at discovering that Queen was a Vong could be put in the P&T. It could also mention how he stood beside her anyways, despite this. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 18:18, September 28, 2013 (UTC)
 * added a mention regarding his loyalty by standing by Nina even after her revealing her race. Not sure what I could say about him being surprised since her real race was a surprise to everyone except Kaye. Him being surprised is totally expected and not really related to his personality. If you can give me an idea of what you're looking for, I am certainly open to suggestions. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 01:56, September 29, 2013 (UTC)
 * That works. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 12:06, September 29, 2013 (UTC)

His first name is Alvaro

 * First of all, you need a P&T section.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 08:38, July 9, 2013 (UTC)
 * added, thanks. <- Omicron (Leave a message at the BEEP! ) 00:33, July 23, 2013 (UTC)

4dot

 * "Early in the Yuuzhan Vong War, a potent invasion force from the Yuuzhan Vong who were invading the galaxy, landed on the Cilare homeworld and waged war on the warrior species." This could perhaps be rephrased so that we don't have "an invasion force that is invading" :P
 * rephrased.
 * "Arbeloa's species had been devastated in the attack; he urged recipients of the message to flee the oncoming Yuuzhan Vong invasion force while they still could, as attempting to fight the species was futile." Parts of this are redundant - those which aren't should be merged with the preceding paragraph.
 * reworded.
 * "Of his people, only Arbeloa survived," Yes, we know.
 * reworded.
 * Still there, I think.
 * "Arbeloa was onboard the Heart of Artorias" You need to establish that it's one and the same as the Tsam P'ah.
 * added.
 * "Arbeloa boarded the Dibrook station, which was loaded with survivors of recent Rim-world battles, with Kaye Galridian after the Heart of Artorias assisted the defenders of the station in destroying the attacking Yuuzan Vong ships." - This is arse about. Flip it around and it'll read better.
 * reworded to better reflect the timeline of events.
 * "Ogden attempted to commandeer their ship but Arbeloa picked him up with one hand and slammed him into a wall, stating that the New Republic would not take their ship." - "He tried to take the ship but then someone said he would not take their ship" in essence - perhaps rephrase for less repetition and nudge it ever-so-slightly away from PBP.
 * Space stations have bridges? Honest question, may be the case.
 * it's never specifically stated, and was probably an assumption on my part. Removed.
 * "He scolded Ogden when the officer yelled at Galfridian." Too PBP.
 * "When Ogden tried to usurp command from Galfridian, Arbeloa was directed to take the captain somewhere and bind him tightly to keep him out of the way, and the officer was forced inside the Heart and bound to an outcrop in a corridor of the ship." - Perhaps two different sentences would be in order.
 * "As the invasion force approached the shaper research facility that held the captured sentients, Galfridian ordered Arbeloa to give the order to halt. He deferred, thinking that she was afraid to give orders and lead her troops, but she pointed out that she ordered him to give the command due to fact he was larger than her and more likely to be seen." - This is the first mention of the invasion force approaching the station, and requires condensing to avoid PBP. Some of this is more suited to the P&T.
 * "The invasion force's rear guard was attacked by a group of thralls and Arbeloa helped subdue a Twi'lek thrall." - Perhaps a little bit of context on a thrall, and... the invasion force was attacked by a thrall? Which Arbeloa is fighting? This is a tad confusing.
 * Now you are referencing Arbeloa as a part of the invasion force, adding to the confusion. Forgive me if I've missed something obvious.
 * How did Nina come into it controlling the ship? Was she already on board? If so she should perhaps be introduced earlier.
 * "Arbeloa explained to Kaye that they had to destroy the thralls in order to rescue prisoners that could be saved." - As an example of PBP here, you only need to say that "Arbeloa determined that they" but if you prefer to keep it as is this isn't a hard-and-fast objection per se. Thefourdotelipsis (talk) 23:46, October 1, 2013 (UTC)
 * "Shortly after, when Kaye faltered due to feeling the death of her father," - through the Force?
 * it's never stated, and the comics never state she is force-sensitive. I assume the writers would have gone more into if the series continued but I left it ambiguous. She does state she felt her father die and it was somehow due to her brother though. I don't want to add speculation.
 * Maybe then "somehow sensing the death of her father"? I understand it's difficult in this case, but in terms of flow it's a bit of a sticking point. Thefourdotelipsis (talk) 02:19, October 5, 2013 (UTC)
 * Ok removed the reference to her brother. Probably doesn't need to be in this article. Thanks for the clarification.
 * "During the fierce battle, Arbeloa saved the journalist Cianba who was covering the battle. A strafing run by Yuuzhan Vong ships destroyed an Imperial AT-ST walker and Arbeloa tackled the journalist, knocking her into a ditch, which prevented her from being smashed by the wreckage of the walker." The chronology of this is odd, you mention that something happened and then explain it after. Some rephrasing here would not go astray.
 * I'm not overly fond of using a nickname to refer to the character throughout the article. Perhaps using "the Cilare" to break it up".
 * "Arb stood behind Queen Galfridian as she addressed the people who had survived the battle." A tad PBP, but I get why in context. Maybe just mention that he attends the speech, though?
 * Based on what has been said in the bio, the P&T could probably be fleshed out... y'know, saving the kid on the Imp planet, wearing the Vong skull as a helmet... should be about 2 paragraphs there at a guess, but then I'm not familiar with the source material.
 * Otherwise that's it. I know it seems like a lot, but I think if these things get spruced up you should be well on the way. Thefourdotelipsis (talk) 00:28, October 2, 2013 (UTC)

Vote to strike Lee's objection (Inq only)

 * 1) Addressed for two months. User has been sporadically active since then.  CC7567  (talk) 01:50, September 22, 2013 (UTC)
 * 2)  1358  (Talk)  01:51, September 22, 2013 (UTC)
 * 3) Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 21:38, September 28, 2013 (UTC)