Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Cut Lawquane

Cut Lawquane

 * Nominated by:  JangFett  (Talk) 21:30, April 28, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: What an interesting guy.

Support

 * 1) Does he have a brother called Nick by any chance? (sorry, that was terrible XD)  NAYAYEN : TALK 20:04, April 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) I like the article-it's well written. --Gungan Jedi 21 16:26, May 22, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) Thefourdotelipsis 00:41, May 27, 2010 (UTC)
 * 4) How can I not vote for Cut Lawrence [sic]? -- 1358  (Talk) 16:26, May 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  02:18, June 3, 2010 (UTC)

LtNOWIS
In the intro, you say that Lawquane's "transport was crashed by two Confederate gunships." Can you rephrase that? I don't think "crash" is supposed to be used that way. -LtNOWIS 01:14, April 29, 2010 (UTC)
 * Did some minor tweaking. Tell me what you think. :)  JangFett  (Talk) 05:36, April 29, 2010 (UTC)
 * Looks good. -LtNOWIS 04:50, May 1, 2010 (UTC)

Nayayen

 * "As Lawquane avoided being detected by the Republic, the family..." This sounds like it should be "As Lawquane wanted to avoid being" or "So that Lawquane could avoid being" or something like that. It doesn't sound quite right as it is.
 * Addressed
 * "told the former clone" He is still a clone, just not a soldier.
 * Addressed, and fixed all other cases.
 * "The resulting crash caused many clone troopers to be either wounded or killed." This wording sounds odd. You don't say that something caused people to be wounded, wounded as a result maybe. And the repetition of "caused", although the preceding sentence is best worded as is, sounds off so you may as well kill two birds with one stone here.
 * Addressed
 * "Despite Lawquane tried avoiding...were hunting Confederate General Grievous." Eh? That whole sentence makes no sense.
 * Should be good now.
 * "Suu told her husband of why Rex was their, and..." Do you mean to say there or their guest?
 * Addressed
 * Would it hurt to say that Rex wouldn't turn them in because he "wouldn't remember due to his injuries"?
 * It's fine as is.
 * "Memories of the his squad crashing following the Battle of Geonosis haunted him, and would recall those memories he had to others, such as Rex." There's a few articles/pronouns missing here.
 * Addressed
 * Good work, but a few careless mistakes.  NAYAYEN : TALK 10:15, April 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the review.  JangFett  (Talk) 18:58, April 30, 2010 (UTC)

Trayus Academy:
style="color:purple">Trayus Academy ]]) 23:10, May 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * You have a few problems with perspective in the intro. You introduce him as a former clone trooper, but by saying that you're speaking specifically from the prospective that you're given in the episode. By saying something along the lines of "Cut Lawquane was a clone trooper of the blah blah blah that later deserted the Grand Army of the Republic," you can improve flow quite a bit as well.
 * Addressed
 * The sequencing of events in the beginning of the intro's second paragraph is similarly from the POV of the audience, and not Lawquane's or an omniscient viewer.
 * Addressed; hope that helps.
 * Eh, this still needs some alteration. Something like "While Lawquane was away from the farm delivering his first harvest, the homestead was visited by a squad of clone troopers looking for refuge for their wounded captain." ... or something.
 * Sounds good.
 * Your method of explaining the reasons for Lawquane's desertion in the intro is a bit confusing. Please reword. "While Rex deemed Lawquane to be a deserter of the army, the former clone trooper simply felt that he had a choice of deserting the Republic, as he was an individual who had a life.
 * I replaced that sentence, and modified the previous.
 * You also make it sound as if the children activated the droids from within the homestead.
 * Addressed
 * Again, in the beginning of the bio, you introduce him as a former clone trooper, while at this time he wasn't yet former.
 * Addressed
 * "In 22 BBY, following the Battle of Geonosis, the first battle of the Clone Wars, Lawquane and a team of clone troopers were onboard a transport, soon to be caught between two Confederate gunships." You're going to want to reword this, as it's rather choppy as it stands.
 * You didn't really reduce the choppiness by the sentences. You can keep it as one, but streamline it and cut down the commas.
 * Are you certain it was artillery that the gunships used?
 * Seeing that would be the best choice, it wasn't explained. But, Lawquane's dialogue may suggest it. I removed it, though. Speculation.
 * Overall that first paragraph needs to be better organized, as it's extremely choppy and difficult to read through at the moment - particularly the last sentence.
 * Addressed
 * "When the clone captain awoke and attempted to use his hand blaster," - use it for what?
 * Addressed
 * This is grammatically worded strangely - "The former clone trooper also offered Rex to join his family for their evening meal."
 * Addressed
 * It was still pretty rough. I fixed it up myself&mdash;feel free to alter it if you don't like it.
 * "As Lawquane began arming himself with a blaster rifle and carbine, Rex started to organize their attack strategy, although Lawquane ordered Rex to protect his wife and children, as he was their last line of defense if something happened to Lawquane." - lengthy and has a lack of flow.
 * Addressed
 * "Cut Lawquane didn't believe in the Clone Wars" - saying you don't believe in something means you don't think it exists. You need to say something like "the principals behind the Clone Wars"
 * Should be better now.
 * "He would recall those memories he had to others, such as Rex." - There's not any evidence that he told anyone else these stories.
 * Addressed
 * I'll review it again after others have given it a look, but I would really like for you to look at the edits I made. I had to remove a lot of superfluous wordage (mainly "however"s and "although"s and "while"s) that seem to be a trend in your writing. They seem to be a major problem that causes the choppiness in certain areas. A would suggest that you read paragraphs aloud to yourself after writing them&mdash;I do this very often, and I know it's definitely helped me. If something doesn't sound right, there's usually a better way to word it. Darth Trayus  ([[User talk:Dark Lord Trayus|<span
 * Yeah, it's always good to vary the words I would normally use. Thanks for the review and suggestion, Trayus. :)  JangFett  (Talk) 23:38, May 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * Not only variance, but sometimes you simply don't need them at all. I did some further edits, please look at the article comparison to see the kinds of things you should remember to do and not to do for future articles. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 00:42, May 5, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

 * I would suggest you find a new main quote, as the current one doesn't really tell us anything about him that the article title doesn't. I would go for "to each his own," but it's up to you. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 22:19, May 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * I changed the quote to one that showed his personality. See the new edit.--Gungan Jedi 21 16:26, May 22, 2010 (UTC)
 * In the introduction and in the biography-part are both '...are girl named Shaeeah and a boy named Jekk. Can you fix it, please? &#123;&#123;ERS:Benutzer:Nahdar Vebb}} 13:05, May 8, 2010 (UTC)
 * Fixed.  JangFett  (Talk) 13:25, May 8, 2010 (UTC)