Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Bray (stormtrooper)

Bray (stormtrooper)

 * Nominated by: User:Editoronthewiki
 * Nomination comments: Yes, some images need to be clearer. It is August 6th.

Tommy

 * Images should be digital.
 * Fixed--Editoronthewiki (talk) 15:27, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * No you haven't. You haven't touched the image files. Tommy  Imperial_Emblem.svg  Macaroni  16:51, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Then I'm confused.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:50, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * I'll put it simply: I want you to reupload the images in this article to a higher quality, from a digital comic. Tommy  Imperial_Emblem.svg  Macaroni  19:21, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Done thanks to User:JMAS--Editoronthewiki (talk) 13:53, August 7, 2019 (UTC)
 * Duplicate link.
 * Fixed--Editoronthewiki (talk) 15:17, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * When linking to image files, use underscores not spaces.
 * Done.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 15:17, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Please clean up your grammar. "meaning that Bray was fine with bring them into danger", "to try to get information out of only survivor" for example.
 * Did I fix those two examples?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:55, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Yes, but I still think the general grammar of this article is subpar, which violates FAN rule 1. I encourage your to reread the article and improve the general flow of text. Tommy  Imperial_Emblem.svg  Macaroni  19:21, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * You also have a lot of repetitive wording throughout that should be cleared up: "what he had done to warrant the job, and he responded that he had set his captain on fire, which she said was enough to warrant the job."
 * I personally think you overuse in-paragraph quotes. Tommy  Imperial_Emblem.svg  Macaroni  07:54, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * I removed all but the one at the start of "Reassigning FN-2187" and kept infestation in quotes (as that is to how it isn't really an infestation)--Editoronthewiki (talk) 15:17, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * No you haven't. You removed one. Tommy  Imperial_Emblem.svg  Macaroni  16:51, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Better?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:19, August 6, 2019 (UTC)

Fan

 * "During the cold war, when it was believed one of the tunnels on the First Order superweapon Starkiller Base was infested, Bray served as the commanding officer of the cleaning crew deployed to remove the creatures." I think this sentence could be reworded a little. Keep the first clause, with the cold war timeframe, then introduce him as the C.O. of the cleaning crew, and finish with the explanation of where they were and what was going on. Let me know if you'd like it to be clearer.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 16:21, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Good?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:13, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * In the second sentence of the Personality and Traits, you use the same reference twice.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 16:36, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Fixed--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:13, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * You need to link Phasma in the intro.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Done.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 19:03, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * There are a lot of instances where I think using different words or phrases or changing the overall way a sentence is written could improve how the article reads. I'm breaking it down by section.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Scratch that, it'll be simpler if I just take all of my objections by section through this.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 12:36, August 7, 2019 (UTC)

Intro

 * "To help clean out the creatures, Captain Phasma also assigned FN-2187 and FN-3761 to serve in the crew." You can shorten this by just saying that the team included the two troopers.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * I'd have to remove Phasma from the intro then.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:50, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Is it good now?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 19:09, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Yes, that was my mistake, apologies. You wouldn't have needed to link to Phasma. Actually, I think now you should do away with this sentence all together and try putting the info in the last sentence like this "a cleaning crew, which included the stormtroopers 'Finn' and 'other trooper'. They don't need a whole sentence in the intro.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 12:36, August 7, 2019 (UTC)
 * Better? I’ve also responded to your other criticisms.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 14:33, August 7, 2019 (UTC)
 * "Upon their arrival, Bray explained to the FN-2187 that the First Order was not certain of what they would be facing, but the operation continued on." I haven't read the comic, but it feels like this is just adapted from the dialogue. I'd suggest that change it so it starts with Bray informing Finn that they don't know what's down there (changing the wording from "the First Order was not certain of what they would be facing"). If he actually says something like "The operation must go on regardless.", you can leave a reworded version of the last part of the sentence. If not, remove it entirely.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Done--Editoronthewiki (talk) 19:03, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * "Once they were inside the tunnel, Bray and his crew were attacked by the creatures, and he was overwhelmed." I'd suggest changing it to just "the crew was" and swap "he" for "Bray".  Fan26  ( Talk ) 18:37, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Done--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:50, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * "However, FN-2187 used the Captain's flamethrower to kill the animals attacking him, although he burned Bray in the process" You can remove 'However'. I'd change 'although he' to 'accidentally'.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 18:41, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Wasn't really an accident. He knew Bray would be burned, but did it because Bray had his armor. I've edited it a bit though.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:50, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * "Bray ordered FN-2187 to clean up the remains of the creatures, which the stormtrooper assumed was because he had set the officer on fire, but Bray perceived FN-2187's comment to mean that he thought the assignment was beneath him." Finn's perspective doesn't need to be in the intro, just the body. The third part of the sentence makes no sense. What comment? Please rewrite that part to be clearer after Finn's perspective of the event is removed.  Fan26  ( Talk ) 18:41, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
 * Done--Editoronthewiki (talk) 19:03, August 6, 2019 (UTC)