Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Ravilan

Ravilan

 * Nominated by: —Obi–wan Jacobi  Jedi_Symbol_Dark_Chrome.JPG ( Talk ) 05:00, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:

Smells like bisque

 * I think the intro is a tad engorged, and could probably stand to be pruned somewhat.
 * "The shielding failed first, then the bulkheads gave, and then the armory exploded, but in hyperspace, the effect was not the same; instead of exploding and destroying a large part of the ship and the Massassi on board near to it, the armory simply vanished, taking along a large portion of the quarterdeck with it." - A bit clunky.
 * "At this point, Ravilan's assistants were already burning a third of those Massassi that had survived the crash and were now dead in a pyre." - This is worded a bit oddly. See if you can tweak it a bit.
 * "After finding out that the transmitter beacon did not work, Ravilan was saddened to learn that Korsin's Massassi, like those that had accompanied him—the last of the Massassi that had been on Omen—had died." - A bit clunky.
 * "Ravilan eyed Yaru and exchanged a worried look at Hestus, but this was a risk they had to take." - PBP and tense issues.
 * "Fifteen years after the Sith crew of Omen had crash landed on Kesh, Ravilan's coloring had changed to more of a somber maroon hue, and in his second year on the planet Ravilan had also injured his leg in a confrontation with an uvak." - Bit of a chronological shuffle is needed there.
 * "Even though this was explained that this only applied to those of the Sith that were Human, Ravilan objected because most of the Red Sith on Kesh had at least some Human blood, and many of the Human crew had some Sith blood." - Clunky.
 * "Seelah pointed out, however, that it was necessary because of the unknown reasons the Massassi died and why the Red Sith offspring were dying." - Needs to be worded a bit better.
 * "On this topic of the Sith offspring dying, Ravilan suggested that one of the Red Sith people be accepted into the crèche that Seelah was in charge of as a midwife to better understand this issue." - This too.
 * "Seelah immediately refused his suggestion, as the Red Sith were not qualified medical personnel that were necessary in times like this; the fact that she had previously been a slave under the rival Dark Lord Ludo Kressh and had since developed an extreme hatred towards the Red Sith did not help Ravilan's cause." - This too.
 * "On a new subject after this talk," - Needs to be phrased better.
 * "He also brought Ravilan closer to him and spoke into his ear that next time he addressed Yaru, Seelah—now Yaru’s new wife after the death of Devore—wanted Ravilan to address Yaru as "Grand Lord."" - PBP and phrasing issues.
 * "A Keshiri which was working with his group there had come into contact with it and soon died; from this, Ravilan determined that the cyanogen silicate had no adverse affects on the Red Sith, but its properties were indeed harmful to the Keshiri." - Needs rephrasing.
 * "Tragedy" is POV.
 * "Coming back to reality at this comment," - What does this mean?
 * "Suddenly she called out that she must retreat back to the Sith sanctum in the Takara Mountains." - Tense issues.
 * "Ravilan looked back" - PBP.
 * "During this time reports of Ragnos Lake villages struck by the plague continued to pour in, and without Ravilan around, eventually Seelah told Yaru that it was obviously Ravilan and his people who were adding cyanogen silicate that he had recovered from Omen to the aqueducts and wells in all the villages." - Phrasing issues.
 * "instead, he was strung up centimeters off the ground by strong cords that the Keshiri used to keep uvaks still while they are washed." - Tense.
 * Are you sure that's a picture of the Massassi? They look more like Red Sith to me...
 * That's all, good work, you just need to polish your prose a bit and just watch your tense usage. Thefourdotelipsis 04:18, July 1, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

 * A project that my young friend Obi-wan Jacobi and I have been working on for some time. Enjoy! —Tommy 9281 19:45, June 29, 2010 (UTC)