Wookieepedia:Inq/Zsinj (second review)

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To Do

 * 1) DC
 * 2) *"Zsinj was remembered as a pragmatist, a skilled linguist, a cunning strategist, adept in the use of technology, a successful businessman, and a clever actor. He frequently employed disguises and affected personas to keep his subordinates, allies, and adversaries puzzled, and these traits saved his life several times. How much of his image was factual and how much was a facade was something known only to the Warlord himself." I'm confused as to why this is in the Intro, it disrupts the prose, really it's P&T material.
 * 3) *"How much of his image was factual and how much was a facade was something known only to the Warlord himself." Pointless. if it's unknown, then why mention it?
 * 4) *"Though his path to power was a rocky one, his words would prove prophetic." OR/POV.
 * 5) *"apparently with the rank of Grand Moff." Apparently!? This is an encylcopedia!
 * 6) *"While Ysanne Isard controlled the Empire proper, Zsinj kept a respectful distance from her territory. But as the New Republic made inroads toward their conquest of Coruscant, Zsinj felt compelled to test them.[9]" This paragraph needs an expansion as to why Zsinj avoided Isard and no buts to start off a sentence.
 * 7) *"Zsinj was not the type to let this challenge go unanswered." POVity.
 * 8) *"difficult decision to commit forces to hunting Zsinj." "difficult decision" is POV.
 * 9) *"He absorbed the territory of many smaller warlords like Terrinald Screed, whom he executed." Go into detail about these warlords.
 * 10) *("the only flight of 'Dinner Squadron'") Kill parenthesis, not encyclopedic.
 * 11) *In fact, kill all the parenthesis in the article. Most are in the Halmud Lure.
 * 12) *These short one sentence transition paragraphs need to be expanded or joined into the paragraph before. In fact, they don't even transition well at all. Rewrite the transitions into all of the sections.
 * 13) *Go through all of the linking in the article. Some are overlinked, while some aren't linked at all.
 * 14) *"Zsinj had no idea that his prize was about to be lost." Gah! Kill it!
 * 15) *"to rid the galaxy of the Rebels' most annoying cruiser… and the legacy of Han Solo."[12] The multiple periods within the quote have to go. Delete, or quote it at the top of the section.
 * 16) *Bullets in Special Projects need to be deleted, then the content needs to be rewritten.
 * 17) *"This caused Zsinj to declare her both blameless and not stupid, and he put her in charge of trapping the Wraiths.[8]" Needs to be rewritten and explained.
 * 18) *"Project Funeral was an ambitious endeavor." More POVity
 * 19) *The entire third paragraph in Plans within plans Needs to be rewritten, and has to be explained more in-depth.
 * 20) *As I keep on reading this, I notice you're missing context everywhere.
 * 21) *"The real 181st was still loyal to the Empire, under Major Turr Phennir. When Loran returned to Mon Remonda, Solo accepted Rogriss' offer without even consulting Fleet Command. The tables were once again turning against Zsinj." Rewrite, and delete the tables being turned against Zsinj part.
 * 22) *"Project Funeral was working beautifully. Gotals and Twi'leks were suddenly under suspicion, and tension was mounting.[8]" POV, merge into next paragraph, and expand on how it was working.
 * 23) *"Zsinj was despondent. Even General Melvar was concerned; Zsinj was acting more pessimistic than he'd ever seen. Together, the Warlord and his General formulated a plan to stop Zsinj's ongoing losses and restore his sagging confidence.[8]" Same as above.
 * 24) *"Zsinj was despondent. Even General Melvar was concerned; Zsinj was acting more pessimistic than he'd ever seen. Together, the Warlord and his General formulated a plan to stop Zsinj's ongoing losses and restore his sagging confidence.[8] " And here's another!
 * 25) *"Solo decided to change the rules again.[8]" describe.
 * 26) *It seems that some parts of Turning the Tide are play-by-play. Rewrite.
 * 27) *"But Zsinj didn't count on sabotage. Tonin, Gara Petothel's R2 unit, had used an army of MSE-6 mouse droids to gain a limited amount of control over Iron Fist. Before leaving the Vahaba system, Tonin erased the Selaggis system from the Star Dreadnought's primary databank and subtly altered her course to take the ship there. Then Tonin ordered his diminutive droid soldiers to attack Iron Fist's hyperdrive. Petothel sent a HoloNet transmission to Mon Remonda and the slugging match began again.[8]" Another "but" starting off the sentence, rewrite, and explain.
 * 28) *"The Battle of Selaggis was not a long one." POVity.
 * 29) *"Zsinj was getting depressed again. His enemies were anticipating him. And without his knowledge, his ship was transmitting his own tactical data to the enemy–more of Petothel's sabotage. Zsinj's mood brightened, however, when his chief engineer announced the restoration of hyperdrive capability. Zsinj sent "Baron Fel" and his squadron to cover Iron Fist's retreat.[8]" POV, rewrite, expand.
 * 30) *"The game was not quite over." Kill, another bad transition.
 * 31) *(including one in Rodese that mocked Solo's familial makeup) Another parenthesis. Rewrite.
 * 32) *"Zsinj's impending downfall was more due to Han Solo's legendary luck than any factor under the warlord's control.[2]" POV/OR, Delete.
 * 33) *"The Falcon rode the ruined frigate into Dathomir's atmosphere, but there was a surprise waiting on the surface: The Witches of Dathomir.[2]" Surprise is POV/OR, and rewrite anyway.
 * 34) *"The last words Zsinj ever heard were Solo's: "Look up at your viewscreen, you vermin. Kiss my Wookiee!"[2]" These really should be put into quotes.
 * 35) *"With his last two concussion missiles, Solo obliterated the bridge of the mighty Star Dreadnought. The scourge of Zsinj was erased from the galaxy.[2]" POV/OR, bad ending, rewrite.
 * 36) *"With Zsinj gone, the Hapan fleet moved into Dathomir space and destroyed the shipyard, capturing or destroying many of the late warlord's ships. The planet was free from Zsinj, the Nightsisters were destroyed, and Solo transferred legal ownership of Dathomir to the witches–the world was theirs again, as Yoda had foretold. The grateful world of Dathomir quickly joined the New Republic. Shortly thereafter, Leia married Han Solo. Isolder took a Dathomir native, Teneniel Djo, as his wife,[2] but due to internal Hapan politics the Consortium committed only to a very limited alliance with the New Republic.[13]" POV/OR, rewrite, expand.
 * 37) *"Within a year from Zsinj's defeat, the galactic situation was more stable, with the New Republic in control of three-quarters of the known galaxy. The stage was set for the next great conflict.[13]" Another bad ending, rewrite.
 * 38) *P&T needs to be expanded greatly and desectionized.
 * 39) *"Zsinj was almost comical in his manner and appearance. Eventually, he took on the white uniform of a Grand Admiral, which lent an element of incongruity to his appearance when combined with his corpulence and his handlebar moustache." POV/OR
 * 40) *P&T needs to an POV/OR purging and rewrite.
 * 41) *Rewrite Character development, and expand.
 * 42) *Some parts of Zsinj's rank and uniform need to be sourced.
 * 43) *Is there even a point to the Zsinj's Government section? It's only one sentence long.
 * 44) *Whew! I'm done! DC 02:00, 22 February 2009 (UTC)