Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Shahan Alama


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Shahan Alama

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 00:59, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My first TCW project

(3 ACs/4 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 04:19, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) You have my support, but I'm expecting CC7567's objections to be fixed.  Mauser  Comlink 07:00, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) ShaakTi1138 07:51, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  CC7567  (talk) 22:47, 11 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 02:17, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 12:03, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 07:38, 23 June 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From the Council Chambers:
 * 2) * "The group reached the atrium filled with several Senators,": Why were the senators there?
 * 3) **Thanks for the hint ;). Added
 * 4) * The end of the bio leaves the reader hanging in regards to what happens to the Senators. Yes, it's not directly relevant to Alama, but I feel a sentence or two (no more) regarding how things turned out for the Senators could help avoid an abrupt ending.
 * 5) **Added.
 * 6) *Otherwise, good job! Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:02, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **Thanks for the review, Jon Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 02:42, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) ***No problem, Jon. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 04:19, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) No leeway from me, Jedi:
 * 10) * I don't believe there was a bounty on Davtook. There was a bounty on Bane, but he was the one and set the trap for Davtook.
 * 11) **Changed.
 * 12) * If Palpatine can be put in somewhere in the intro, it would be preferable, because Bane was really trying to force him to free the Hutt.
 * 13) **Better, or do you want me to go a little more in-depth?
 * 14) ***No, that's enough, but can it be mentioned earlier with the actual plan?  CC7567  (talk) 20:33, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) ****Moved up a little. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 20:50, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) * "Leaving the Senators in an atrium wired with explosives that could be triggered by a remote carried by Bane or by a system of lasers surrounding the Senators." Bit of a run-on; please rephrase.
 * 17) **Tweaked.
 * 18) ***It's a bit choppy still, and it's rather anticlimactic. If you could shorten it up a bit or reword it (i.e. saying "the bounty hunters left while using to keep the Senators as leverage for their escape), I think the flow would be better.  CC7567  (talk) 20:33, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) ****Reworded. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 20:50, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * Can a quote be found for the recruitment section? It can be something Bane says on his "solitary type" comrades. Also, I think the article would benefit from one more image; perhaps this one.
 * 21) **Added image and quote.
 * 22) * A bit more context as to why Bane was trying to free Ziro.
 * 23) **Added Some, will add more and get to the other objections later. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:24, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) ***That's why Ziro was arrested, yes, but can something be said of Bane's hiring?  CC7567  (talk) 20:33, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ****Not much is known, but I added a little. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 20:50, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) * "Alama and the droid found Skywalker in a room, speaking with Palpatine via comlink, but the Jedi used a mind trick to get them off his tail." Well, Alama and the droid did indeed find the room, but Skywalker hid ahead of time; it needs to be worded to be clearer.
 * 27) **Addressed.
 * 28) ***Please check again; I'm not seeing a change.  CC7567  (talk) 23:09, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) ****Oops. How about now? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:18, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) * Can it be stated earlier that Ziro was in the Detention Center?
 * 31) **Addressed.
 * 32) * "where Bane and his team set up a system of lasers around the hostage Senators that would detonate the entire atrium if triggered by the slightest touch." So the lasers were the explosives themselves, or did they simply trigger the explosives? Please clarify.
 * 33) **Addressed.
 * 34) * "With the Senators at the mercy of the bounty hunters, who held an alternate detonator for the atrium, Bane, Alama, and the rest of the posse successfully escaped with Ziro." Run-on and rather awkward phrasing; please try to ease up the flow.
 * 35) **Addressed.
 * 36) * Why did Bane decide to activate the explosives? I realize it's not directly related to Alama, but since it's mentioned, it needs to be clarified.
 * 37) **Addressed.
 * 38) * The P&T needs to be cleaned up, and if possible, expanded. The fact that Alama was vulnerable to a mind trick could mean a lot of things; it would be better just to state that he was simply vulnerable to one instead of trying to deduce from that. Also, can something be said of his confidence, perhaps?
 * 39) **Better?
 * 40) *I'll run this through more with you, but very good for your first TCW nom. :)  CC7567  (talk) 06:30, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) **Thanks :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 20:50, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) Attack of the Clone II
 * 43) * "he was recruited by Duros bounty hunter Cad Bane to capture the bounty hunter Davtokk on the planet of Keyorin. Also recruited for the mission were the technician Robonino and former Jedi-turned-hunter Aurra Sing; Bane wished to determine how well the three beings would work together, as they usually worked alone." Rather choppy; please try to rephrase.
 * 44) **Addressed. I'll get to the others when ASAP. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:25, 11 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) * I think more can be said re: Bane's plan before the raid took place. The use of "rescue attempt" makes it sound like it was a direct raid on the prison, which it wasn't.
 * 46) **Changed to mission.
 * 47) ***I would still try to add a bit about the setup of the mission rather than just stating what happened; it's a bit unclear.  CC7567  (talk) 22:21, 11 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) ****Ah, sorry, I misunderstood. Should be better now. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:37, 11 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) * It's a bit unclear when Sing and Robonino arrived with the other sentinel droids; please clarify.
 * 50) **Addressed.
 * 51) * I'm not sure if Alama's arrogance can be inferred with the information given; it's a bit POV-oriented.
 * 52) **Removed.
 * 53) *Looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 05:46, 11 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) **Thanks CC. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:06, 11 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) Soresu
 * 56) * noticed the Senators being held hostage, and spied on the events taking place. Noticing. Noticed is repetitive.
 * 57) **Addressed.
 * 58) * The Jedi hid before they walked in and proceeded to use a mind trick to get them off his tail. A little too colloquial for me. Please change. (Besides, there are a number of species that actually have tails) :).
 * 59) **Addressed.
 * 60) * Isn't there a more correct template than the one? It reads "Parts of this article have been identified as no longer being up to date", which is a big no-no for GAN's.  SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 01:40, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) **That just got put up there (see comments below), due to the release of a new online comic. I will update ASAP. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 01:51, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) ***Sorry for missing that. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 02:17, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) ****No problem :). Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 03:09, 13 June 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * Jon, it looks like the article has to be updated, pending an unexpected TCW web comic issue. I'm leaving it to you to do it, as it's your nom, and I'd prefer that my writing style doesn't interfere with yours. I'm willing to maintain my current vote without objecting and not strike it, but please try to update the article when you can. Also, per the "Part 1", it appears that Alama's going to be appearing in at least one more upcoming issue, so please be careful.  CC7567  (talk) 01:44, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Thanks. Don't have much time now, but as soon as Game 7 ends, I will get to this :). And I will make sure to update the article as more comics etc. are released. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 01:51, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * PENGUINS WON!!!! Ok, I've added what information is currently available. Feel free to change whatever you like. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 03:09, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Sorry Jon, I forgot to ask you to update his P&T from the comic. It had stuff of his distrust of Bane, which I think can be mentioned. Also, it needs to be stated that Alama was acquainted with Ohnaka.  CC7567  (talk) 03:59, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * No problem, added. And sorry, I would've stayed in IRC but I was having internet issues. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 04:12, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Sorry to keep on being a pain, but since there's Bts notes on his appearances, can you get the comic in there as well? :P  CC7567  (talk) 04:25, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Added :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 05:08, 13 June 2009 (UTC)