Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/L'ulo L'ampar

L'ulo L'ampar

 * Nominated by: Cwedin (talk) 08:51, January 16, 2016 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My first character nom

(0 Inqs/2 Users/2 Total)
(Votes required: 3 Inqvotes required to reach minimum. Additional 3 user or 2 Inq votes required to pass.)

Support

 * 1) TanDivoInsignia-SenateMurders.svg  AnilSerifoglu  (talk) 02:51, April 21, 2016 (UTC)
 * 2) Figured it was high time I reviewed this considering events in the comic from earlier this year. Cevan  IMPpress.svg  (talk)  22:07, August 13, 2017 (UTC)

Manoof

 * Straight off the bat, this page is in a maintenance category (templates with invalid url parameters). You'll have to go through your urls and fix this. It'll probably be one of your references, check the template page as it probably doesn't need the full url. For example, the starwars.com links don't need the http://www.starwars.com/ section of the url, and including it adds it to the category. I only noticed as I'm cleaning these categories up. As it's a nomination, I thought I'd drop a note so you can keep it in mind for future edits/nominations :) Manoof (talk) 10:17, April 19, 2016 (UTC)
 * Nice catch! - Cwedin (talk) 22:26, April 19, 2016 (UTC)

Exiled Jedi

 * Per FAN rule 9, this article cannot have any redlinks. -- Exiled Jedi  ( talk ) 02:56, October 4, 2016 (UTC)
 * Alright, I think I snagged 'em all. - Cwedin (talk) 01:57, October 5, 2016 (UTC)

Ecks Dee

 * "Near the war's end, Lieutenant L'ampar participated in the Rebellion's attack on the Galactic Empire's second Death Star in the Battle of Endor," I feel like it's not entirely fair to call it "near the end" as it went on for another year and Endor can be considered the tipping point.
 * Fair point, fixed.
 * Is there some sort of more specific canonical timeline for this? I gather from the bio that three months after Endor, L'ulo was informed there was no foreseeable end, and then that the war ended "less than a year later", which could mean 3+10 months for example (making "final year" inaccurate). If you can't find a more specific timeline, I suggest replacing the "final year" with just 4 ABY.
 * " which former–Rebellion leader Leia Organa viewed as a threat to the New Republic." I'm not entirely sure what purpose the dash here serves.
 * It served absolutely none, and it's gone.
 * "L'ampar's comrades mourned his death, and Dameron located Tekka on the desert planet Jakku, completing Black Squadron's mission." This almost makes it sound as if Dameron wasn't one of the comrades mourning his death. You need a better way to connect the first clause with the rest of the sentence.
 * I've broken it up into two sentences and rephrased it a bit.
 * The MoS stipulates that ranks only be capitalized when they precede a name. Not the case here: "Holding the rank of Lieutenant, L'ampar flew as a Rebel pilot in Green Squadron"
 * Fixed.
 * In the same sentence, you have two consecutive clauses with flying/flew; please reword: "L'ampar flew as a Rebel pilot in Green Squadron, flying an RZ-1 A-wing interceptor"
 * I've changed the instance of "flying" to "operating."
 * I don't think Battle of Endor is linked in the body at all. I'd sofixit but I'm not sure where to put it.
 * Done.
 * "the Executor, an Executor-class Star Dreadnought[9] and the mightiest ship in the Imperial Navy." Can "mightiest" be sourced to whatever it's sourced to right now? In any case, I recommend finding a better description such as being the command ship in the Battle (🇸🇪)
 * I've updated the description as suggested.
 * Based on the body, L'ampar automatically assumed/was given command as a result of Green Leader's sacrifice. I feel like this could be better explained in the intro (maybe "assumed command"?).
 * Done.
 * "When L'ampar was approached by Green Four Shara Bey, she inquired if she could join the festivities." This needs to be reworded: She approaches L'ampar TO inquire; this can probably be fixed by removing the "When" and and replace the "she" with "who".
 * Done.
 * "Informed of their new mission, the troops, led by Solo and the Pathfinders, launched an assault on the outpost. Aided by the Ewoks, the Rebels defeated the remaining Imperials, only to discover Imperial data and communications confirming that the war was not yet over." This is not particularly relevant to L'ampar and can be condensed into a single sentence.
 * Done.
 * "Seventeen days after the Battle of Endor, L'ampar commanded Green Squadron, and with the BTL-A4 Y-wing assault starfighter/bombers of Feral Group, he engaged Imperial starfighters in the battle of Cawa City. The capital of Sterdic IV, Cawa City was was dominated by persisting Imperial forces." Several issues here. The second sentence exists only to give context here and it feels out of place especially as it comes after the first mention of Cawa City. Furthermore, naming the starfighter model of Feral Group is probably not important here; it can be mentioned later on. The battle of Cawa City is also a conjectural name and linking it like that is discouraged.
 * I've restructured the phrasing and moved the links around.
 * Was L'ampar also commanding Feral Group? If not, you should probably move the "alongside Feral group" to after the endash clause to make it clear.
 * "Soon after, the Rebellion formally created the New Republic" As far as I know, the rebellion turned into the New Republic rather than creating the NR as a separate instance, which is what it sounds like here.
 * Fixed.
 * In "Mission to the Crèche", you have two consecutive sentences where something's being created. This gets a bit repetitive.
 * Changed "created" to "organized."
 * "Black Squadron then lost contact with Dameron, and a moment before L'ampar entered the cavern to find him, the transmission was restored." Did he enter the cavern anyway? This is either a tense issue or very unclear.
 * He did not enter the cavern. I've reworded it, but I'm not sure if it's any clearer.
 * "Dameron reported that he was fine, but he found a tracker on his ship, and the First Order was likely to arrive soon." Same issue here. Did he find it after reporting he was fine? Or should it this be more like "that he was fine but that he had found a tracker..."?
 * The second one. I've rephrased it that way.
 * This kind of linking is discouraged as the first part of the word does not become part of the link. Please pipelink the entire word.
 * Fixed.
 * Can we please replace the parenthetical clause with endashes instead? (or anything else for that matter)
 * Done. - Cwedin (talk) 01:10, September 6, 2017 (UTC)
 * Halfway there. I'll go over the first half once more once these are addressed. 1358  (Talk)  21:36, September 5, 2017 (UTC)
 * For what it's worth, it's not necessary to list every single organization in the command tree in the affiliation section in the infobox. Right now, words get cut off due to the indenting. I'd recommend removing the Military/Fleet and Military/Navy bullets.
 * Right now Palpatine's death is kind of intro-exclusive; it's only implied in the bio. I'd recommend replacing "Succeeding in their mission" with something like "With the superweapon gone and Emperor Palpatine dead..."
 * "The attack brought down the Executor's shields, and Crynyd, seeing a chance to even the odds, sacrificed himself in a suicide run to destroy the capital ship's bridge" This is referenced to the Databank but I can't see it there.
 * "Not wanting to leave unfinished business, General Han Solo held a briefing in Bright Tree Village, for which L'ampar was present." Can this be rewritten from L'ampar's perspective, i.e. "L'ampar was present at blah blah"? 1358  (Talk)  10:05, September 6, 2017 (UTC)

Comments
Quick note. Although there's no way to know for sure at this point, it's very possible that the Duros on the cover of Star Wars: Poe Dameron 3 is L'ulo. If he's in multiple issues of the Poe Dameron comic, which wouldn't surprise me given his connection to Shara, then this nomination will no longer satisfy FAN requirement #6. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 16:40, April 2, 2016 (UTC)
 * I've noticed that too. Hopefully we get an answer come Wednesday! (In the meantime, I'll be copy-editing the article. It could use a cleanup.) - Cwedin (talk) 17:06, April 2, 2016 (UTC)
 * Want me to do a copy-edit? Whenever I write something, I always miss things that other people end up finding for me. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 17:11, April 2, 2016 (UTC)
 * That would be fantastic! Also, if you have any tips on updating the article's images, that would be great. (I feel they're poorly utilized at the moment.) - Cwedin (talk) 17:20, April 2, 2016 (UTC)
 * Think I'll do a quick run-through after Brandon. Great Job, Cwedin! Nivlacanator (talk)  22:36, April 2, 2016 (UTC)
 * Haven't looked at this yet (sorry!), but as it turns out, the Duros in Poe Dameron IS indeed L'ulo. So he'll likely be recurring for awhile now. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 17:31, April 6, 2016 (UTC)
 * Yup, I just picked up a copy. I'll try to keep the article maintained with each issue's release (life allowing). :P - Cwedin (talk) 17:39, April 6, 2016 (UTC)