Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Savar


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Savar

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 03:40, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: WP:LE!

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Pre-review.  Graestan ( Talk ) 03:41, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 03:56, 18 May 09 (UTC)
 * 3)  OLIOSTER  Sith_Emblem.svg 03:57, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 03:58, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 19:52, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  CC7567  (talk) 20:34, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The clone is feeling like being more picky than usual
 * 2) * "He led the Security troops that arrested Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker in 43 ABY for dereliction of duty." Slightly awkward wording; although it's implied, it's not specified before that he led troops.
 * 3) **Reworded.
 * 4) * "He led the hunters and a GA Security team to arrest Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker for failing to prevent Jedi Knight-turned-Sith Lord Darth Caedus's fall to the dark side of the Force in 41 ABY, during the Second Galactic Civil War." Unclear as to who "he" is, as it just comes out of a sentence listing the three bounty hunters. Also, it's a bit unclear whether Caedus' fall to the dark side took place in 41 ABY or whether it was the arrest; it could be made clearer.
 * 5) **Better?
 * 6) *** It's the same issue for the Galactic Civil War. I would suggest changing it to "Skywalker, who had failed to prevent..." but I don't think that's factually correct, so I recommend trying to find a different wording.  CC7567  (talk) 16:11, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ****I looked through it again, and I think the Second Galactic Civil war part is kinda superfluous, so I just removed it. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 17:45, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "During the arrest, Skywalker did not cooperate precisely to Savar's specifications, handing his lightsaber to Jedi Knight Leia Organa Solo instead of turning it over to the Security troops, and Savar stiffened after an insult from former smuggler Han Solo." How exactly was the insult related to the arrest? Including it in the same sentence implies that it was related; if it was, please clarify. If not, please reword.
 * 9) **Better?
 * 10) * "Nyz, thinking that Skywalker was attempting to use the Force on Savar, shouted that Skywalker was resisting the arrest." Both "thinking" and "shouting" can be reworded with better word choice. If you're going to use "shouted", it needs to be stated who he shouted to.
 * 11) **Well, he was shouting to everyone just in general. I changed it though, is this better?
 * 12) * When did Solusar get there?
 * 13) **I added a sentance earlier saying that Skywalker was accompanied by other Jedi; is that enough, or should I be more specific?
 * 14) * "Captain Savar was a firm and commanding officer": slightly awkward. I understood that firm was an adjective, but I mistook "commanding officer" to be a unit, i.e. "his commanding officer" or "commander".
 * 15) **Better?
 * 16) * CC7567  (talk) 04:32, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **Thanks for the review. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:12, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments