Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Fenn Shysa


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

(5 Inqs/4 Users/9 Total)
Support
 * 1) Cull Tremayne 00:51, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) Funny enough, I read this just a few days ago on your subpage, Cull. Nice job :)  Greyman ( Paratus ) 01:35, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Ditto --Eyrezer 01:54, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) Lord Hydronium 09:57, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 5)  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 23:23, 19 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 6)  StarNeptune Talk to me! 02:50, 20 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) --  Darth Culator  (Talk) 04:18, 21 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) Toprawa and Ralltiir 05:14, 21 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) The Irish Mandalore. Havac 05:32, 21 February 2008 (UTC)

Oppose
 * 1) Source the succession box. --Imperialles 19:29, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) From the Bridge of Chack Jadson:
 * 3) * “Following their new Mandalore, Shysa and his friends joined 198 other local police and a dozen former Death Watch to form the Mandalorian Protectors, one of the most formidable forces to fight in the Clone Wars.” Death Watch what?
 * 4) **Added "commandos" after Death Watch. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) * Also, later in that sentence, add something like “to fight for the CIS in the Clone Wars.”
 * 6) **Added. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) * "Around this time, and perhaps during one of these covert missions, officer Shysa had a run in with C-3PX. Although the nature of their meeting was undocumented, the formidable droid gave Shysa and the Mandalorians the inspiration to acquisition a droid army for themselves, making them a fighting force to be reckoned with." Clarify what’s so special about 3PX. Then, remove “formidable” from the next sentence.
 * 8) **Done. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) * "...after the emergence of Jango Fett's real son, Boba, as an accomplished Bounty Hunter..." Bounty hunter doesn’t need to be capitalized.
 * 10) **Right you are. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) * "After awaking from unconsciousness, Shysa led his men in an attempt to stop Organa from freeing their prisoner, but only arrived in time to see her become the victim of the double-cross." This reads awkwardly.
 * 12) **Rephrased. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) * "Believing this to be a perfect time to mount an attack against the slavers, Shysa fired a flare out of one of the city's windows, triggering an assault by Shysa's forces." You use "Shysa" too many times here.
 * 14) **Yes I do. Changed. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) * Little later: "He began beating the Suprema with the butt of his blaster and showing no mercy." Again, please rephrase this.
 * 16) **Reworded. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 17) * Later in the paragraph you start two sentences with “however”. Please change one of those.
 * 18) **Done. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) * "...unexpectedly saving Boba Fett from death.” I suggest removing “unexpectedly".
 * 20) **Done. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) *Nothing wrong with this sentence, but it made me crack up. "Shysa passed the test, but both Solo and Luke Skywalker did not, as the computer decreed that both pilots flew in ways that no sane pilot would ever attempt."  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 20:56, 17 February 2008 (UTC)
 * Toprawa:
 * 1) * Please reword the first 'alliance': "Following the end of the conflict and the alliance of the Nagai with the Alliance of Free Planets"
 * 2) **Done. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) * Give a description of what C-3PX was at this point. Bounty hunter, assassin droid, whatever: "Shysa had a run in with C-3PX"
 * 4) **Added. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) * Please remove the unknown: "Although the nature of their meeting was undocumented"
 * 6) **Removed. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) * The way you enumerate his battles during the Clone Wars becomes awkward to read, constantly saying "on this planet, on this planet, on this planet." Don't be so concerned with linking the planet as opposed to linking the battle itself. I would recommend removing the "on's" and just pipelinking the battle into the name of the planet.
 * 8) **Thank you. I wasn't sure what to do with that. :-P Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) * Consider rewording this, since I don't think Shysa was truly a Rebel at this point: "Unfortunately for the Rebels"
 * 10) **Rephrased. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) * Elaborate on what kind of craft comprise Shrike Squadron: "Shrike Squadron"
 * 12) **Done. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) * POV: "Unfortunately, just as this news was becoming known"
 * 14) **Removed. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) * Please reword or consider removing the last part entirely. Don't assume anything: "The outcome of the conflict was undocumented, but due to Shysa's continued survival, it can be assumed that the Nagai were victorious over their Tof oppressors."
 * 16) **Rephrased. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 17) * Remove speculation: "perhaps due to Shysa's travels away from his homeworld"
 * 18) **Done. Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) *Nice job on the BTS both here and for Dani. That's the way I like to see it done. Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:06, 17 February 2008 (UTC)
 * Should "Mandalorian Government" be capitalized in the first sentence of the Clone Wars section? Havac 02:59, 21 February 2008 (UTC)
 * Probably not. Cull Tremayne 05:23, 21 February 2008 (UTC)
 * "an archaeologist with no morals"? I'm sure you can get your point across in a more NPOV way. "snobby scholars" too. Havac 02:59, 21 February 2008 (UTC)
 * "No morals" changed to "questionable morals". "Snobby scholars" switched to "first-rate scholars". Cull Tremayne 05:23, 21 February 2008 (UTC)

Comments

'''Approved by Inquisitorius 20:43, 21 February 2008 (UTC)
 * And again. Cull Tremayne 00:51, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
 * Hah, what's with Leia's sudden inarticulate speech in the "Encounter with the Rebels" section? Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:06, 17 February 2008 (UTC)
 * She's actually making fun of his accent when she says "agin' what's wrong". So she's not being inarticulate, just a condescending...well you know. :-P Cull Tremayne 03:33, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
 * That's why I love her. ;) Toprawa and Ralltiir 05:14, 21 February 2008 (UTC)