Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Jaller Obrim

Jaller Obrim

 * Nominated by: Coruscantfan 23:01, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A simple street cop

Nayayen

 * There is a lot of missing info here. Case in point, the whole "swapping the evidenced datachip with a blank one" deal in IC is only summarised with one sentence. And nothing about his meetings with Kal in the Kragget. This is from a brief glance and my memory from re-reading the books a few months ago.
 * Meeting at the Kragget mentioned. Coruscantfan 01:41, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * Expanded the datachip mention. Coruscantfan 01:49, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * Similarly, the P&t could also be greatly expanded. Again, case in point, you have more unique details of his personality in the snippet about him in the CSF article.
 * Can you give me specifics of what you would like to see in the P&t section? Coruscantfan 01:41, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * I rewrote, if you could take another look and see what else you feel it needs. Coruscantfan 02:11, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * I'll try to do an in-depth review later, possibly after re-reading the books, but I'd advise you to do the same because you will find some information you can add. NAYAYEN &mdash;it appears to be a frammistat 00:50, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * This is my first FA about a character so I'm going off of what I've seen in other FAs. But there are areas where I was unsure of where to expand and where to summarize so any pointers are welcomed. Coruscantfan 01:17, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * Looking at current FAs is good. See if there are any characters from material you're familiar with and see what sort of detail is gone into with those; knowing the material, you'd be able to see what parts are included/left out. I've struck my above objections for now, but it's likely that I may make similar ones in a later review. Good work so far. NAYAYEN &mdash;it appears to be a frammistat 10:58, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * Will do. Coruscantfan 14:39, January 3, 2011 (UTC)

Xd1358

 * Some preliminary objections: The intro could use some expansions, IMO.
 * Expanded, see if that's enough. Coruscantfan 15:39, February 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * Basic facts such as his homeworld, species and sex need to be mentioned in the biography. 1358  (Talk)  14:18, February 5, 2011 (UTC)\
 * Listed. The homeworld was mentioned already in the middle of the first paragraph. Coruscantfan 15:39, February 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * Sentient species should be capitalized. 1358  (Talk)  13:33, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
 * I'm assuming you were refering only to "Humans"? Capitalized. Coruscantfan 00:38, February 18, 2011 (UTC)

Jaller Obrim

 * Intro: When were his sons teenaged? The intro just talked about stuff he did over his entire life, and they weren't teenaged the whole time.
 * "Teenaged" removed.
 * Can you give some context on Skirata in the intro? I'm not sure who he is or why he's going on missions.
 * At the beginning of the intro I have: He was a close friend of Mandalorian Kal Skirata and the clone troopers Skirata had trained as clone commandos and ARC troopers.
 * I'm looking for a lil' more --- even just something like "Sergeant" that indicates he's an active officer during the war.
 * Try now.
 * Kinda nitpicky, but "Skirata and his clones" makes it seem like they're clones of Skirata.
 * Done.
 * Senate Guard: Same as in intro --- can you establish when he was living in Rampart Town with his teenage sons? Was it 22 BBY?
 * Done.
 * "Never forgotten by the CSF" is a bit misleading --- I don't know if too many CSF officers during the Legacy Era would remember it. Can you reword?
 * Done. Coruscantfan 16:23, March 17, 2011 (UTC)
 * More to come! Menkooroo 07:08, March 17, 2011 (UTC)
 * The information given on the black-ops mission is pretty confusing --- the article states that Skirata is telling Obrim about it over fast food, and what seems like all of the participants (which doesn't include Obrim) are mentioned --- it gives the impression that the mission has already happened and that Skirata is recounting it to Obrim. But then at the beginning of the next paragraph, the mission is underway and Obrim is a part of it. What happened here? When Skirata was telling Obrim about it at the burger joint, was it still an upcoming mission at that point? If so, can you establish that? Does Skirata invite Obrim to join him on the mission? Some general cleanup is needed to help establish a chronology and a clearer picture of what's going on here.
 * Hopefully I've clarified some of the confusion.
 * If Obrim is part of the mission for its entire duration, detailed information on the mission and his role in it needs to be given.
 * No, Obrim is aware that Kal is up to something but he is brought in only at the end. I've tried to clarify that.
 * It's good! Buuuuut it still kinda reads like Obrim is there the whole time. Are they speaking over comlink before Obrim is brought in? Is Obrim covertly following Skirata or something?
 * Hmmm, better? Coruscantfan 03:52, March 22, 2011 (UTC)
 * I think you need to establish Obrim's role in the mission at the beginning of the paragraph. This could probably be done with the addition of just a few words --- for example, if "Skirata was hesitant to give Obrim any information" were changed to "Skirata was hesitant to contact Obrim and give him any information", it would make things quite a bit clearer. I'd also like to see some more detail on their various meetings and conversations, especially the one where they almost come to blows --- namely, where do they take place? Menkooroo 06:39, March 23, 2011 (UTC)
 * I rewrote some of that paragraph so hopefully that clarifies that.
 * Yes! Good job. Buuuut can you clean up the grammar at the beginning of that paragraph? Particularly, it's led by an oddly-phrased sentence that really runs on. Menkooroo 07:20, March 28, 2011 (UTC)
 * No problem, done.
 * Does Obrim ever lose his professional respect for Skirata? The "At first" makes it seem like he does.
 * Done.
 * Quite a few things in the final paragraph of Working for CSF need context --- Palpatine, Operation:Knightfall, Laseema, and the Battle of Coruscant.
 * Done. Coruscantfan 01:25, March 22, 2011 (UTC)
 * I'll finish the review once these are addressed, baby! Menkooroo 07:54, March 20, 2011 (UTC)
 * A touch of context on Order 66 would be ballin'. Especially because it's not entirely clear right now that that's how Etain dies.
 * Done.
 * The Clone Wars aren't mentioned at all in the bio.
 * Done.
 * Backtracking a little bit: The intro says that early in his career, he earned a reputation as a skillful detective and a hard-nosed cop, but the beginning of the bio leaves out the detective mention. Any reason for this?
 * We really don't have any "stories" on this. We just know he had established himself as such by the time the RC books' stories enter the picture.
 * Still seems like info noteworthy enough to mention in the bio. Not good practice to have intro-exclusive info.
 * Actually I just realized that I already did: ...as well as conducting criminal investigations... I linked that to detective. Coruscantfan 14:31, March 28, 2011 (UTC)
 * Location-wise, where is Obrim when Darman and Niner come to him with the disc?
 * Done.
 * Any reason why he was careful not to reveal his skills with a computer?
 * Nothing is really stated. My assumption is he was just careful about anything he revealed but that's my assumption.
 * When did he make inconvenient bodies disappear? Is this mentioned in the bio?
 * In this case I was referring to living people, I reworded it.
 * Behind the scenes: As you refer to the RC novels as novels, can you establish that Targets is a short story?
 * Done.
 * One more in bts: "as the series moved to Coruscant..." reads a little weird, as it hasn't been established that the series isn't on Coruscant --- all that it's mentioned is the events of Targets, which does take place on Coruscant. Some sort of rewording would probably do the trick; even something like "began to take place prominently on Coruscant" or something would read clearer.
 * Done.
 * S'all I got! I'll give it another readthrough once these are addressed. Also, remember to only link to things on their first mention and to refer to characters by their last name. Menkooroo 07:00, March 23, 2011 (UTC)

Comments

 * I know people have been twitchy about it before, so could you check/verify that Traviss is okay with the email being made public? NAYAYEN &mdash;it appears to be a frammistat 00:51, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * I had checked on it before I uploaded it.Coruscantfan 01:10, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
 * For the record, I contacted her again and she has no issue with the email being public. Coruscantfan 14:40, January 3, 2011 (UTC)