Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Arden Lyn


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Arden Lyn

 * Nominated by: Thefourdotelipsis 01:06, May 10, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Bleh.

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good job. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 01:50, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) Another Emperor's Hand down. Xicer9 [[Image:atgar.svg|20px]]( Combadge) 00:30, May 14, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) Now feature both Hoar and Thok. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:50, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
 * 4)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 09:02, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  14:14, May 20, 2010 (UTC)
 * 6) --Eyrezer 07:48, May 24, 2010 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) Trayus Academy:
 * 2) * No quotes anywhere?
 * 3) **No. Not unless there's a taunt in Teras Kasi. If there is, I haven't been able to find it.
 * 4) * Contextify First Great Schism in the intro.
 * 5) **Done.
 * 6) * Provide some kind of time marker/indicator of era in that first paragraph of the intro. As it stands, you go from that information to saying she was awakened 25,000 years later, but we don't know 25,000 after what.
 * 7) **But it's immediately qualified in that sentence, with "Great Jedi Purge."
 * 8) * You use "although" twice in quick succession in the intro. Substitute one.
 * 9) **Done.
 * 10) * Can we get a "circa" date for her death in the infobox?
 * 11) **Yep, done.
 * 12) * Same goes for the time marker in the first bio paragraph. It needs some kind of indicator of the era in which this all occurred.
 * 13) **Done.
 * 14) * Contextify the Legions of Lettow and the First Great Schism.
 * 15) **The context is given in subsequent sentences.
 * 16) ***Where? There needs to be some kind of indicator of what the Legions are, because right now the only think I see is what they did, which is fight the Jedi. As far as context for the First Great Schism, there needs to be some mention of why there was a schism, which would also help explain what the Legions of Lettow are.
 * 17) ****I think it's better explained now; take a shufti.
 * 18) * The transition between her ascension and her duel with Pina is really awkward. Can you find a better transitioning sentence than "In turn, she was cornered by Jedi Master Awdrysta Pina."?
 * 19) **Fixed.
 * 20) ***Just out of curiosity, is "cornered" the exact term from the source?
 * 21) ****Switched to "tracked down."
 * 22) *" Somehow, due to her possession of the Kashi Mer talisman, Lyn survived Pina's attack in a Force trance,[1] possibly due to her study of Palawan techniques,[4]  and her decomposed body was located approximately 25,000 years later at the end of the Great Jedi Purge in the Unknown Regions by Emperor  Palpatine's Jedi hunters, the Inquisitors."&mdash;please break this up. In one very long sentence you cover way to much information for it to be read clearly and concisely.
 * 23) **Split.
 * 24) * "Inquisitors Antinnis Tremayne, Ameesa Darys, and Grand Inquisitor Laddinare Torbin located, alongside her body, the Kashi Mer talisman, and when brought into the proximity of Lyn, she was reawakened, and her body was rejuvenated."&mdash;this sentence can be streamlined or broken up to reduce the comma usage and awkward flow.
 * 25) **Fixed.
 * 26) * Context for chaos. My suggestion would be to change that to the Netherworld of the Force, but it needs something else.
 * 27) **I'm using the exact words of the source there, and it doesn't go into specifics, making this a bit difficult. I've tried something... see if that works.
 * 28) * Link Galactic Empire and Zaarin splinter government somewhere in the bio.
 * 29) **Done.
 * 30) * Can we prose-ify some of those quotes in the BTS? I'm not so worried about the second, but the first definitely needs to be.
 * 31) **Fixed.
 * 32) * Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 05:34, May 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * 33) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 07:30, May 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * 34) Going off of Trayus's first objection, after some Youtube searching I was able to find a couple of Lyn's taunts: "I shall be triumphant!" and "You are a pitiful fighter." Could you add these in? Otherwise, awesome work.  Xicer9 [[Image:atgar.svg|20px]]( Combadge) 16:18, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
 * 35) *Your thoroughness of searchery continues to bamboozle me, Xicer. Done and done. Thefourdotelipsis 23:35, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
 * 36) Skippy Farlstendoiro
 * 37) * Following his RPG stats in Star Wars Gamer, she speaks Basic, Bunduki language and Old Galactic Standard, and has skills to repair technology and disable explosives. Add that to P&T.
 * 38) **I've got most of that in the P&A already, where it's most suited, but I've added the two last parts.
 * 39) * Say something in the Succession Box empty square ("None, position dissolved" or something like that), and source it.
 * 40) **The thing is, we don't know that the Legions were dissolved after Lyn's death. As far as I'm aware, no source explicitly states that the Legions were destroyed immediately afterwards, at least, not the sources I was dealing with. So I'm not really sure what I could put in there, and attribute. Suggestions?
 * 41) ***Suggestion: A line under BtS to explain the unusual succession box if you want.--Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:50, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
 * 42) *Very good job.Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:35, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
 * 43) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 14:47, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
 * Eyrezer: I don't have the original sources in front of me, but I wrote the Kash Mer relic article. In it, I have Lyn discovered by scouts, not the Inq. Have you interpreted it differently than me? --Eyrezer 00:38, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * I have, and I misinterpreted it. Fixed, and thanks. Thefourdotelipsis 06:16, May 24, 2010 (UTC)