Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Battle of Korriban (Galactic Civil War)


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Battle of Korriban (Galactic Civil War)

 * Nominated by: Kilson Likes PIE 23:07, 10 Febbruary 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: I really hope this works.

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 04:17, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Looks okay. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 07:53, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Cylka  -talk- 06:47, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Thank you. —Tommy  [[Image:Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg|17px]] ( Nine two eight one ) 01:25, 15 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Looking good. -- Darth tom [[Image:Imperial Emblem.svg|20px]] (Imperial Intelligence)  17:43, 31 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Sorry about the rather lengthy objections from the grammar fascist. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 01:50, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Grunny's first look
 * 2) * Underlinking. I got a few of them, but just check to make sure you link once in the intro and once in the article body.
 * 3) * In the intro and history, mention the Galactic Civil War.
 * 4) * Renegade Squadron needs context in their first mention in the History.
 * 5) * "Darth Sidious was due to make a pilgrimage to the Sith tomb world of Korriban. He believed that the Sith Lord was likely carrying at least some information concerning the Death Star. The Alliance planned to lure the Emperor into a trap and contain him while the stole the secret data about the Death Star." Need some context on Sidious, and it might be better to call him Palpatine consistently throughout the article instead of switching between them (I've changed them for you :)). When he is first mentioned use Emperor so that later in the paragraph people know who the Emperor is.
 * 6) * Also in the Prelude section there are many short sentences; it would be better to combine some of them into more complex sentences. Do the same throughout the article, ask me on my talk page if you want more info on this.
 * 7) * You mention in the intro that they were under the command of General Han Solo but you need to state this in the history.
 * 8) * "Col Serra then decided to carry out the second part of his plan. This he found almost too crazy and dangerous to do, but it had to be done." Reword second sentence.
 * 9) * "The Rebels were going to trap the Emperor inside the tomb by luring him inside and then blow the three entrances, trapping him and most of his men inside Sith burial chambers." The second part of this sentence is unnecessary as it just repeats info from the first.
 * 10) * "The last explosive was the difficult one. It was in the back entrance, located deep inside Imperial controlled main room." Merge these sentences.
 * 11) * "Renegade Squadron somehow got the explosives set either way." Reword this to something like: "Renegade Squadron were successful in setting the explosives."
 * 12) * Mention their success in capturing the holocron in the intro.
 * 13) *I'll re-review after you address these :).  Grunny  (Talk) 07:27, 11 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) **Got it, and thanks for the corrections, hopefully it works now. Kilson Likes PIE 15:54, 11 February 09 (UTC)
 * 15) ***Good work addressing those objections :), I'll give a more thorough review soon.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 03:45, 13 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) Grunny's second look
 * 17) * In the game, Renegade Squadron is organized and led by General Han Solo, so was he in overall command in this battle? If so, he needs a mention at least in both the intro and the history, as well as being in the infobox.
 * 18) **I thought he would, but during the game Han doesn't say anything or appear anywhere during the level. Col Serra is the one who gives all the orders during the battle. I would have to assume that Han was busy with planning for the Battle of Endor and wasn't present at this battle. Kilson likes PIE 14:08, 15 February 09 (UTC)
 * 19) * Han Solo should also be mentioned in the context for Renegade Squadron as the founder.
 * 20) ** He needs to be mentioned in the context for Renegade Squadron in the "Prelude" as well.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 01:56, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * "Commander Col Serra, the second-in-command of Renegade Squadron". Second-in-command to who? Col Serra's article seems to indicate he was in command of the squadron, so please check.
 * 22) **Han was the one who asked Col to form Renegade Squadron becuase he was too busy to do it, but he was still technically the founder of the Squadron. During the game, Solo, when present, would give orders to Renegade Squadron too. It appears that only when Solo was not present at a battle, then Col Serra would by in complete control on Renegade Squadron. Kilson likes PIE 14:08, 15 February 09 (UTC)
 * 23) * "Col Serra then decided to carry out the second part of his plan, which he found almost too crazy and dangerous to do", were "too crazy and dangerous to do" Serra’s words in the game?
 * 24) **Sorry, just crazy. Kilson likes PIE 14:08, 15 February 09 (UTC)
 * 25) * Battle of Endor needs some context in the intro.
 * 26) * The second Death Star also needs context in the intro.
 * 27) ** The "Empire's new superweapon" and "second Death Star" need to be connected in some way in intro for clarity.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 01:56, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * The Battle of Endor also needs a bit more explanation in the "Aftermath" section, to show its importance.
 * 29) * In the intro, you also need to mention the Galactic Empire in relation to either Emperor Palpatine or the Galactic Civil War for context.
 * 30) * Grunny  ( Talk ) 08:41, 15 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) **I think it's good now Kilson Likes PIE 15:17, 19 February 09 (UTC)
 * 32) Third look
 * 33) * "The Battle of Korriban occurred during the Galactic Civil War, shortly before the Alliance attack on the Empire's new superweapon, the Second Death Star, at Endor, when the Rebel Alliance's elite fighting unit founded by General Han Solo, Renegade Squadron, attacked the Sith planet of Korriban." This sentence is long and confusing now, as it now says that at Endor "the Rebel Alliance's elite fighting unit founded by General Han Solo, Renegade Squadron, attacked the Sith planet of Korriban".
 * 34) * "There were two equally dangerous ways to get to the explosives; one was through the highly dangerous tombs, and the second was through the small cave system that led to Palpatine's landing site." Do they call it dangerous in the game? Otherwise this is POV.
 * 35) * "To lure the Emperor inside the tombs, Serra decided to destroy several ancient and valuable Sith artifacts scattered all around the main room of the tomb. Col ordered his men to destroy the artifacts, because it would anger the Sith Lord and cause him to come inside the tombs to save the priceless relics." This could really be combined into one sentence.
 * 36) * "When he returned, Col Serra quickly looked over the holocron..." When who returned? The trooper who captured the holocron or Col Serra? Currently it reads as Serra.
 * 37) *Its getting there. Make sure read over changes you make and compare them to previous objections to avoid creating more.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 06:52, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) **How about now dude? Kilson likes PIE 22:03, 22 Feburuary 09 (UTC)
 * 39) Cylka:
 * 40) * entrance to the tombs and a small room near the academy. The Imperials still held the main entrance to the larger room which held all the valuable Sith artifacts and the small side room dug into the ground in which Palpatine had landed. - I'm a bit confused about these rooms. Where did these rooms come from? I know that they are near the tomb entrances, but what are they? Are they chambers of some sort? Plus, Palpatine landed into a room dug into the ground? Maybe it would be better to use a different word other than room, maybe enclosure or something similar.
 * 41) * Serra had already placed explosives at all three entrances - When had he done this? Before Palpatine arrived? Please specify.
 * 42) * they blew up the biggest and most valuable Sith artifact in the middle of the tomb - Do you know what this artifact was? If so, I believe it would be worthwhile to add in.
 * 43) * Mon Mothma needs a bit of context when she is introduced in the Aftermath section.
 * 44) * Renegade Squadron and Commander Serra soon would be ordered to Sullust to distract the Imperial fleet and bring them away from Endor. This would be a useless gesture, as the Empire wasn't fooled at all and sent the bounty hunter/assassin droid IG-88 to stop Renegade Squadron instead. This became known as the Second Battle of Sullust. - When did this take place? Before or after the Battle of Endor? The timeline is a bit unclear in this section, and someone who is unfamiliar with the events may be a bit confused.
 * 45) *Good work. Cylka  -talk- 04:30, 9 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) **How about now dude...um dudet. Kilson Likes PIE 19:30, 09 March 09 (UTC)
 * 47) A look from a clone
 * 48) * "Jabba the Hutt" can be changed to Jabba the Hutt.
 * 49) *"Serra believed that the Sith Lord was likely carrying at least some information concerning the Death Star, so the Alliance planned to lure the Emperor into a trap and contain him while they stole any secret data regarding the Death Star." Information on the Death Star is used twice and makes it sound redundant. Perhaps change to "they searched for the information" or something that doesn't sound as redundant.
 * 50) * In the second paragraph of "Setting the trap", you might want to consider taking "successfully" out, because it may put a bit more emphasis on it.
 * 51) * Comma after "Serra's men were able to capture the smaller atrium room" and after "Sith artifacts"; those will help the sentence flow.
 * 52) * "Smaller atrium room" and "larger room next to the atrium"? Please clarify. The first makes it sound like there are two atrium rooms, and the second is confusing and makes it sound like there's a larger room next to the small atrium that isn't an atrium.
 * 53) * "Serra then decided to carry out the second part of the plan..." Would sound better without "then", to make it less chronological and better flowing.
 * 54) * "The Rebels were going to trap...": "The Rebels planned to trap" sounds better, because it's implied in saying that the Rebels were going to trap the Emperor, that something else happened that forced them to change their plans.
 * 55) * "The first two were set with relative ease, for they were located in the atrium that the Alliance had already captured. The last set of explosives were difficult, since they had been placed in the back entrance that connected the Imperial control main room and the shuttle landing pad." Recommended comma insertions indicated.
 * 56) * "to come inside the tombs to save the priceless relics..." The two "to"s (eek...hope that's clear) sound redundant; perhaps change it to "and save."
 * 57) * "and any other Rebel he saw..." Perhaps change to "any of the other Rebels he saw."
 * 58) *"The Imperials tried to defend the holocron, nevertheless, a member of Renegade Squadron..." Change first comma to a semicolon.
 * 59) * "Serra said that maybe the Alliance could..." Sounds to close like actual dialogue when it isn't, and it sounds more like a suggestion than a statement, which it doesn't seem to be. Maybe change to "Serra stated that the Alliance could..."
 * 60) * In Aftermath section: "This was actually a trick..." Using "however" to start the sentence would be appropriate. Also, "and it would become known as the Battle of Endor," could have "later" added in, because it sounds like you're talking about this event.
 * 61) * "This would be a useless gesture, as the Empire was not fooled, and instead sent the bounty hunter/assassin droid IG-88 to stop Renegade Squadron, and would become known as the Second Battle of Sullust." Run-on sentence, please change.
 * 62) *Other than the grammar I just mentioned (as a grammar nazi, bleh), the article looks fine. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 02:03, 31 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) **Ahhhhh...grammar...my arch enemy. I addressed you objections, and thanks for the look over, but it figures that as soon as I ask you to look it over, I get that fifth vote and now I have another objection to deal with. Kilson Likes PIE 17:44, 31 March 09 (UTC)

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