User talk:Jedi Kasra/First Project


 * 1) Cade review Part 1!
 * 2) *Some of these are minor and, if this were on the FAN page, are things that I would fix myself under the sofixit clause, but as the workbench is yours, I think it's better if I don't go in and tinker with what you've done. Unless you'd prefer it if I fixed minor things like adding links and stuff. Let me know.
 * 3) *Sourcing: In the opening paragraph of the bio, you currently have the fact that the Jedi Covenant experienced a vision sourced to Issue #2 of KOTOR. Sticking an additional source for Vector #1 immediately after "The vision also involved the Padawan Zayne Carrick" would fix this.
 * 4) *Link to Jedi Order in the opening paragraph.
 * 5) * "that the events were happening in their respective eras." --- Maybe change "the events" to "similar events" or even just "events"? As the vision was unclear, and the reader of this article doesn't know specifically what the events are, saying "the events" is a little confusing.
 * 6) *Early life: Jedi Council should link to Jedi High Council (New Jedi Order).
 * 7) *Context: What is the outer city? What is the midday meal? Changing "the" to something else is an easy solution here --- like, "the planet's outer city" or "The Jedi's midday meal".
 * 8) *Link to gullipud.
 * 9) *Cade accompanied his father... "on" the planet Wayland? "to" might work better than "on" here. Also, link to planet.
 * 10) *Maybe combine the final two sentences into one? "Their ship" coming immediately after "a starship" is a bit repetitive.
 * 11) *Massacre at Ossus: Find a synonym for "shuttle".
 * 12) *"...the shuttle, which was now leaving Ossus." Is "now" appropriate here? Seems like present tense.
 * 13) *"...one final time in a X-83 TwinTail starfighter" --- should be "an", not "a".
 * 14) *"...Mynock, whose crew included the Zeltron Deliah Blue, a former Imperial missionary" --- a source for Legacy 0 should go after "Deliah Blue" in that sentence, else you're sourcing the fact that Cade freed himself from Rav's debt to Legacy: Tatooine.
 * 15) *Why did Cade "especially" hide his past from his crewmates?
 * 16) *"the Feeorin paid them in death sticks, which, though pleasing Skywalker, " --- should be pleasing "to" Skywalker.
 * 17) *“However, because he was a former Jedi, Skywalker was resistant to her Force powers.” Can you find some other way of saying this? The article has already established that he’s a former Jedi.
 * 18) *Skirmish on Vendaxa: "where the Vao's parents died." should be – “where the Vaos’ parents HAD died”
 * 19) *Same thing with Elke Vetter: whom Talon HAD killed.
 * 20) *Link to Telekinesis in "swatted her away", rather than in the later "lift".
 * 21) *"to head for Mynock". – THE mynock.
 * 22) *“Meanwhile, Talon remained hidden in the shadows nearby.” – necessary for Cade's article?
 * 23) *“Princess Fel approached the former Jedi, saying that she knew he was a Skywalker, and went on to say how she wished could disappear from her destiny.” – make it a little clearer how those two points are related (comparing legacies).
 * 24) *“their starfighters” – link to TIE Predator.
 * 25) *"the battle with the Sith began.” Maybe say A battle. Also, link to Skirmish on Vendaxa.
 * 26) *“flooded with the memories of the massacre at Ossus,” drop the first “the”.
 * 27) *“a Sith approaching him from behind.” – link to Unidentified Zabrak Sith (Vendaxa).
 * 28) *Not necessary to precede Fel with “princess” every time. You could call her "Fel", or if you want to use that for Roan, just call her "Marasiah".
 * 29) *"asked Fel why she saved him" – HAD saved him.
 * 30) *"When Skywalker, holding her injured form in his arms, asked Fel why she saved him, she told him that she had to make it right, even if it was only one life, and fell silent. Using the Force, Skywalker called her lightsaber to him and ignited it, ignoring his oath to never pick up a lightsaber again, and proclaimed that he had enough.” – a bit too play-by-play.
 * 31) *"whom Nihl killed" --- "Had" killed.
 * 32) *"technique he used to heal Sazen seven years earlier" --- HAD used. Also, why did Sazen object?
 * 33) *Vendaxa aftermath: Link to Empire-in-exile.
 * 34) *Why couldn’t he trust Syn anymore?
 * 35) *Link to New Jedi Order.
 * 36) *“which was neutral” – which HAD BEEN neutral.
 * 37) *“Skywalker was then found by the Whiphid Jedi Master K'Kruhk, a former teacher of Skywalker's,” – already established that K'Kruhk was a former teacher. Maybe just say "by his former Master K'Kruhk"?
 * 38) *Jedi artifact linked to twice.
 * 39) *R2-D2 is an astromech droid, not a utility droid! :^)
 * 40) *That's all I have so far --- sorry that a lot of it's really nitpicky. Again, if this was on the FAN page, I'd fix a lot of it myself as a copy-edit, but again, I'm not sure if you want me tinkering with the bio on your workbench. If you'd rather I fix the little stuff myself, let me know. Cheers! More from me soon. Menkooroo 14:14, March 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 41) *Also! Here's what I think you should do. After the bio is cleaned up, the intro is rewritten, some more images are added, and a bit about his relationship with Blue is put in --- I think you should transfer all of this to Cade's actual article. Sure, you won't be FANing it, but to keep all of this info here while we waited for Legacy to end (which could (and hopefully will be)) many years from now would be detrimental to the Wook. Share the knowledge! Menkooroo 14:14, March 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 1) *Also! Here's what I think you should do. After the bio is cleaned up, the intro is rewritten, some more images are added, and a bit about his relationship with Blue is put in --- I think you should transfer all of this to Cade's actual article. Sure, you won't be FANing it, but to keep all of this info here while we waited for Legacy to end (which could (and hopefully will be)) many years from now would be detrimental to the Wook. Share the knowledge! Menkooroo 14:14, March 16, 2010 (UTC)