Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Confrontation on Ambria


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Confrontation on Ambria

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster 22:57, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: I've worked on this article for a while, and I believe it's ready for nomination.

(4 ACs/1 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 12:59, 10 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Cylka  -talk- 16:56, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) —Tommy  [[Image:Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg|17px]] ( Nine two eight one ) 20:14, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Grand Moff Tranner [[Image:Imperial Department of Military Research.svg|20px]] (Comlink) 20:25, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 20:30, 13 April 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Grunny
 * 2) * This is a conjecturally-titled article, so the title of the article should not appear at the start of the article or anywhere else.
 * 3) **Addressed Jonjedigrandmaster 16:41, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * Darovit needs some context in the intro.
 * 5) **Done Jonjedigrandmaster 14:55, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *** It would be better to provide context for him on his first mention in the intro, i.e. "duel between failed Jedi Padawan Darovit..." or something like that.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:06, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ****Done Jonjedigrandmaster 16:56, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * Darth Bane needs a little more context in the intro (i.e. reigning Dark Lord of the Sith).
 * 9) **Done Jonjedigrandmaster 14:55, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Duel on Tython also needs some context in the intro.
 * 11) **Done Jonjedigrandmaster 14:55, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) *** You've become too detailed, provide a basic context just so the reader has an idea.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:06, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) ****Done, thanks for your help Jonjedigrandmaster 16:56, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * Need to be clearer in the intro on what the "lasting effects on the galaxy" are.
 * 15) **Is this better? Jonjedigrandmaster 14:55, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) *** You should put this at the end of the intro so the information is chronological.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:06, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) ****Done Jonjedigrandmaster 16:56, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) * Darth Bane also needs context when first mentioned in the Prelude, and explain what the orbalisks are.
 * 19) **Done...or should I put in more about the orbalisks? Jonjedigrandmaster 16:56, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * Duel on Tython once again needs context when first mentioned in the Prelude. Here is where Farfalla should first be mentioned.
 * 21) **Done Jonjedigrandmaster 16:41, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) * There are a few short choppy sentences throughout, such as "Not even Caleb himself knew where she was.", "Zannah was hesitant at first." and "They were led by the Twi'lek Jedi Master Tho'natu."; integrate them into other sentences or expand them. Try to use more complex sentences for a better quality of writing.
 * 23) **Addressed...let me know if there're any I've missed. Jonjedigrandmaster 16:41, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) * You need to explain the lasting effect on the galaxy in the aftermath, maybe by referencing other sources, in which case you need to reference the whole article.
 * 25) **Is this better, or should I do more? Jonjedigrandmaster 15:13, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) * "Noticing Darovit's missing hand, he guessed that Darovit had been grievously injured and had come to Caleb for help, and the healer had sent the message to the Jedi shortly after Darovit's arrival." The two "and"s is awkward, this should be reworded.
 * 27) **Addressed Jonjedigrandmaster 15:04, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * "Tho'natu and the other Jedi attacked the insane young man, killing him in seconds." Didn't he attack the Jedi?
 * 29) **Fixed Jonjedigrandmaster 15:04, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) *I'll review more thoroughly after you work through these.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 04:19, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) * In addressing the context issues in the intro you have become too detailed. The intro is now too long for an article of this size; the intro for this article should be either one decently sized paragraph or two shortish paragraphs. In the intro give very basic context on characters and events, ask me on my talk page if you want help with this :).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:06, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) A second look
 * 33) * Check for over/underlinking; link once in the intro and once in the article body.
 * 34) **Done Jonjedigrandmaster 15:47, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) * You could possibly expand a bit on the lasting effects.
 * 36) **Is this good? Jonjedigrandmaster 15:47, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) * Also, you now need to reference those lasting effects, (i.e. reference Invasion of Naboo to The Phantom Menace) which means you need to reference the entire article to Rule of Two.
 * 38) **Have I done this correctly? This is the first article I've sourced Jonjedigrandmaster 16:14, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) ***You got it mostly right :). Take a look at the changes I made to get an idea of how to do it.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 06:50, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) ****Ok, thanks for your help! Jonjedigrandmaster 13:13, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) * In the "Aftermath" section you should change one of the "guessed"'s.
 * 42) **Done Jonjedigrandmaster 15:47, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) *You're doing well, Jon :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 05:02, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) * For clarity, mention the date of the confrontation in the "Prelude" section.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 06:50, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) **Done Jonjedigrandmaster 13:13, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * Also, work into the article body that Darovit was a failed Padawan, since that's the context you use in the intro. Other than that, great work Jon :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:59, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) **Thanks! Done Jonjedigrandmaster 21:20, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) * "He chose this event to be the final encounter between the Jedi and Sith that led to the belief, presented in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, that the Sith had been eradicated from the galaxy." Do you have a source that verifies this statement? Since there is a third Darth Bane novel coming out I don't think this should be assumed unless it can be verified.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:23, 9 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) **Removed, and I rewrote part of the Bts section. Should I add more to it? Jonjedigrandmaster 02:43, 9 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) Cylka:
 * 51) * In the intro, you need to make it clear that the Duel on Tython took place before the events on Ambria.
 * 52) **Addressed?Jonjedigrandmaster 20:16, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) * took Bane to the healer Caleb on Ambria, who refused to heal the dying Dark Lord unless Zannah turned him in to the Jedi Order. Zannah accepted Caleb's demands and sent word to the Jedi that a Sith still lived, only to betray and murder him after his part of the bargain - Please be careful of your use of pronouns. It is somewhat unclear as to who you are referring to in these two sentences.
 * 54) **Addressed.Jonjedigrandmaster 20:16, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) * I believe it would be a good idea to clarify in the introduction that the Jedi believed that Davorit was the Sith Lord, Since Zannah had hidden herself along with Bane.
 * 56) **Done.Jonjedigrandmaster 20:16, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) * I'm not sure the use of the word "trap" in the introduction is appropriate since Zannah didn't want to trap the Jedi, as much as trick them.
 * 58) **Addressed.Jonjedigrandmaster 20:16, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) * I think that "the galaxy" is used too often in the last two sentences of the introduction. See if you can change that around a bit.
 * 60) **Addressed?Jonjedigrandmaster 20:16, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) * A little bit more information is needed about Davorit since he is central to the events on Ambria. Why was he with Zannah and Bane in the first place. He was a failed Padawan, but was he dark sided? Why was he pressuring Zannah to turn herself and Bane in?
 * 62) **Fixed? Jonjedigrandmaster 20:50, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) *** Much better, just a little more clarification is needed. If Davorit was a redeemed Sith, make sure that is clear in both the introduction and article body. Saying that he was a failed Padawan and Sith is a bit unclear. And in the introduction you need to clarify why Davorit was on Ambria. You did a nice job explaining it in the article, now the intro needs a little work.
 * 64) ****Better? Jonjedigrandmaster 17:18, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) * In the introduction you say that Zannah used the Force to drive Darovit insane, but in the article proper, you say that she used Sith Alchemy. This needs to be resolved.
 * 66) **Addressed.Jonjedigrandmaster 20:16, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 67) * I think you should make it clear that the lightsaber Zannah gave Davorit, was the golden lightsaber. I think that it could be fit in right before he attacks the Jedi.
 * 68) **Done. Jonjedigrandmaster 20:50, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 69) * Darovit attacked Tho'natu and the other Jedi, and they fell upon him, killing him in seconds. - Did the Jedi fall upon him? Or did they simply defend themselves. It seems to me that the fell upon him has some negative connotations, as if they attacked him for no reason. It may be better to use something different here.
 * 70) **As I recall from the novel, they did attack him; I don't think it was worded as defending themselves. I tried rewording the sentence, though, is this better? Jonjedigrandmaster 20:50, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) * A bit of context is needed for Coruscant. WHy would the Jedi take Caleb there for a proper burial?
 * 72) **That's a good question, and I'm not exactly sure what to add...any suggestions? Jonjedigrandmaster 20:50, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) *** Well, if they wanted to take him back for a proper burial, but didn't say exactly why, maybe you could add in a little bit of information about the Temple. Maybe how it was the Jedi "headquarters" or something to that effect. A sentence or two will suffice. Just enough to give the Temple some significance.
 * 74) ****Better, or should I try to expand it more? Jonjedigrandmaster 17:18, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) *****I changed the wording slightly since you had already mentioned earlier that Coruscant was the location of the Jedi Temple.
 * 76) * Context is needed for the Clone Wars, and what did the Invasion of Naboo have to do with them. And then how do the Great Jedi Purge and Galactic Empire connect to them.
 * 77) **Better? Do you have suggestions on more I could do with this? Jonjedigrandmaster 20:50, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) *** What I would suggest here is adding in how the Invasion of Naboo led to the Separatist Crisis, which then led to the Clone Wars and ultimately the Great Jedi Purge, and the Galactic Empire. You would probably do well by pipelinking some of these conflicts. For example: as they organized the Invasion of Naboo, leading to a division in the Republic, and ultimately orchestrating a galactic war from both sides of the conflict, ensuring their victory. The war lead to the dissolution of the Republic, which gave the Sith the opportunity to carry out the Great Jedi Purge, nearly eradicating the Jedi, and returning the balance of power to the dark side. Finally, the Sith ruled the galaxy as the first Galactic Empire. Cylka  -talk- 13:31, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 79) ****Addressed. Jonjedigrandmaster 17:36, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) *Good work. Cylka  -talk- 19:51, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) Act in haste and you give your enemy the advantage...
 * 82) * "Before he could was able to speak out, however, he ran into Zannah, who was disguised as Nalia Adollu." Who is Nalia Adollu?
 * 83) **Explained.
 * 84) * "Fearing that she would be exposed, Zannah took him with her to meet her Master, Darth Bane, Dark Lord of the Sith and founder of the Order of the Sith Lords&hellip;" If you are going to speak of the OotSL here, a tad bit more context needs to be added. Personally, I don't think that reference to the OotSL is necessary, because you use it as context for Bane, but you give sufficient context for him by calling him DLotS, IMO.
 * 85) **Removed.
 * 86) * "Fearing that Bane would return and threaten her again, Caleb had sent his daughter away, making her move to another planet and change her name." Which planet is this "another planet"? If it is unknown, then that needs to be specified, as well.
 * 87) **Specified.
 * 88) * "Zannah devised a plan that included killing Caleb, and used her skills in Sith Alchemy&hellip;" Zannah was a Sorceress; not an alchemist. Make sure that this is correct throughout.
 * 89) **Addressed.
 * 90) * "The Jedi, mistakenly convinced that they had finally destroyed the last of the Sith, took Caleb's remains to Coruscant&mdash;the capital of the galaxy, and a center of importance for Jedi&mdash;" I don't think the "center of importance for Jedi&mdash;" is necessary.
 * 91) **Removed.
 * 92) * "Zannah's actions would allow the Sith to remain hidden from the Jedi for nearly a millennium," Specify the year(s) please with regards to "nearly a millennium".
 * 93) **Specified.
 * 94) * I think that the BtS could be beefed up a tad bit more, explaining how the author tied in these events with those of the Phantom Menace. IMO.
 * 95) **Better?
 * 96) **As a note, Grunny pointed out earlier that this connection isn't definitely verified, as there is a third Darth Bane novel coming out, and there may be more confrontations with Jedi in that. Jonjedigrandmaster  [[Image:Jedi symbol.svg|20px]] ( Jedi beacon ) 19:58, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 97) ***Yes, but that is not until December. For now, we go with what we know. What you have added is sufficient. —Tommy [[Image:Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg|17px]] ( Nine two eight one ) 20:14, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) *Otherwise, good work. —Tommy [[Image:Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg|17px]] ( Nine two eight one ) 18:36, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) **Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  [[Image:Jedi symbol.svg|20px]] ( Jedi beacon ) 19:54, 13 April 2009 (UTC)

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