Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Dao (second nomination)

Dao

 * Nominated by:  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 18:20, June 6, 2011 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Second try; This time there will be zero unadressed objections

Ecks Dee

 * Obvious double link mistake in the intro.
 * Killed.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:02, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * "Dao was killed during the battle when his Venator-class star destroyer was destroyed while he was engaged in a conversation with Jedi Masters Mace Windu and Obi-Wan Kenobi via hologram to request reinforcements. " Using "when" and "while" like that isn't good. Please reword.
 * Reworded.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:13, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * Quote caption has something wrong...
 * Now killed.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:02, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * "In 21 BBY[1]," I'll leave you to find out what's wrong there.
 * Should have got it.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:02, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * "..lead by Techno Union.." tense.
 * Ouch.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:02, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * "Dao was tasked with commanding a Navy group of several Venator-class Star Destroyer, while Jedi Master Ima-Gun Di, commanded a unit of clone troopers. " Improper punctuation.
 * Fixed.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk
 * "The admiral then was contacted by Di" That rank probably needs to be capitalized.
 * Done.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:02, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * Please give this a copyedit before I continue. You can do better than this, Lee. 1358  (Talk)  20:59, June 6, 2011 (UTC)
 * I hope so.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:02, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * I asked MJ for a copy-edit and tried to smooth out some stuff myself.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:13, June 7, 2011 (UTC)

Jang

 * In addition to what Xd said above, Lee, please give this article a proper copyedit. Go back and proofread your work. Sentences like these: "However, the Confederate troops proved more numerous than initially expected," and "The admiral then was contacted by Di, who requested that Dao should try to ask for more ground reinforcements from the Republic. Dao requested for assistance by contacting Jedi Masters Obi-Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu via holograph and repeatedly asked the Jedi for reinforcements." Were originally part of my first review for Dao back in February, and they're still not addressed.  JangFett  (Talk) 21:27, June 6, 2011 (UTC)
 * First sentence changed. But I don't recall the problem with the second sentence.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:13, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * From Dao's first nom page: He tried to contact the Republic? Also, "Dao tried to contact the Republic for reinforcements but was unsuccessful. Dao was contacted by Di, who requested that the Admiral should try to ask for more ground reinforcements from the Republic." I don't get what's going on here. Dao contacted "the Republic," first, and then Di contacted Dao saying he should contact them again? If these are two separate events that take place one after the other, it doesn't sound right. As for the second sentence, it could be your grammar that makes sense two setences a bit confusing. If you take a look at this:
 * "The Admiral then was contacted by Di, who requested that Dao should try to ask for more ground reinforcements from the Republic. Dao requested for assistance by contacting Jedi Masters Obi-Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu via holograph and repeatedly asked the Jedi for reinforcements." Either you can merge these two sentences together, or please tweak these sentences and check your grammar.  JangFett  (Talk) 17:33, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much. I merged the sentences and hope that it is better now.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:55, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
 * In the intro, how was his Venator destroyed?
 * Added.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 16:53, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * In both the intro and bio, who is this Imma gonna die guy? The reason why I am mentioning this is because you mention him out of nowehere. Is he part of Dao's group, was he sent with Dao? Need this to be clarified.
 * Better?  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:08, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * "Dao was tasked with commanding a naval group consisting of several Venator-class Star Destroyers, including his flagship and the Republic sentJedi General Ima-Gun Di with a unit of clone troopers, which should face the Seperatist ground forces" What do you think is wrong with this sentence? There's a few issues present.
 * Also where did Imma gonna die lead this group of clone troopers?
 * Better?  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:04, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * Is there anyway you can mention this blockade earlier than its current mention? It would definitely smooth some sentences and make them flow better.
 * Done.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:08, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * "while Di encountered the droid forces on the planet's surface." Mentioning what this guy did with the clone trooper sentence will be more than enough for this article. Remove this sentence and briefly mention where this guy was with his clone troopers, and straight-to-the-point. Focus on Dao. Later on when you say Di contacted him, that's when you can next talk about him. We don't need to know Imma gonna die's glorious adventures on Ryloth. I believe that was one of my original objections.
 * Should be better now.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:04, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * "However, the Republic counterattack failed due to the enemy's superior numbers." What counterattack and where did this take place?
 * Fixed.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 16:53, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * "Dao and his fleet fought the Confederate blockade in space, but the Republic counterattack on the ground failed due to the enemy's superior numbers." What does one have to do with the other?
 * Can you mention Dao's flagship when you say he was assigned a fleet of ships early on in the bio?
 * Mentioned.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 16:53, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * "Dao received a warning from one of his subordinates and shortly after the ship exploded, killing Dao." I shouldn't have to explain the issue with the sentence. What's wrong with it?
 * Fixed.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:01, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * To clarify this a bit more, what was the warning about?
 * "While communicating with Windu and Kenobi, Dao repeatedly made clear that reinforcements were needed to hold the position on Ryloth and a defeat there would have major consequences for the entire sector, desperately trying to persuade the Jedi Masters." Same thing with this sentence.  JangFett  (Talk) 03:52, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * Fixed.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 17:01, June 8, 2011 (UTC)

Talrrivanian strikes back

 * Major linking Fixed
 * What?
 * Agree with JangFett, how was his ship destroyed? -- Talrrivanian JaingHead.svg ( Headquarters ) 12:16, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
 * Fixed.  Clone Commander Lee  Talk 16:53, June 8, 2011 (UTC)