Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Aeron Azzameen


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Aeron Azzameen

 * Nominated by: 15:32, September 6, 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said millions of times in IRC.

(5 Inqs/2 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Awesome, Emon should be next. Xicer9 [[Image:atgar.svg|20px]]( Combadge) 23:44, September 8, 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Nice work, Jorrel. This has come a long way. Definitely worth the read. &mdash;  Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:02, November 3, 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Kreivi Wolter 14:53, December 4, 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Green Tentacle (Talk) 17:17, January 9, 2010 (UTC)
 * 5) Now that I've multimediaed the hell out of it, replaced all the 256-color images with PNGs, hit it with AWB, and read it twice in the process... --  Darth Culator  (Talk) 19:46, January 21, 2010 (UTC)
 * 6)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 09:55, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
 * 7)  CC7567  (talk) 05:05, January 29, 2010 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Working on a lead quote.  16:08, September 6, 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Xicer
 * 3) * Your pronunciation guide currently pronounces Ace instead of Aeron.
 * 4) **Didn't even notice. Guess I should've checked that when I grabbed it from Ace's article.
 * 5) * Aeron should be listed as female in the infobox.
 * 6) **Are we abso- nevermind. There are too many people that would affect if it were brought into question. Added.
 * 7) * "On the way back to their home, however, the two Azzameens were intercepted by a quick attack on Harlequin Station by the Enkidu, a Pursuer-class enforcement ship, and an accompaniment flying under the Viraxo flag." Context needed on the Viraxo.
 * 8) **Contextified.
 * 9) * "The first of these taskgroups contained Antan piloting his Action IV transport Big Score and Emon piloting the Andrasta," Context needed on the Andrasta (just mention that it's a Firespray-31-class patrol and attack craft).
 * 10) **Squeezed in there.
 * 11) * "Once Storm Unit secured the station, Aeron and MK-09 were called in to assist in combing the main computer core." Context needed on Storm Unit.
 * 12) **Contextified and reworded to fit.
 * 13) * "Both Aeron and Garn's were cryptic concerning their relationship beyond friendship." Looks like there's a word missing here.
 * 14) **Not a word missing, but a missed possessive.
 * 15) *Very nicely written. Makes me want to play the game again. Xicer9 [[Image:atgar.svg|20px]]( Combadge) 18:07, September 7, 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) **You should. It is your destiny. 21:52, September 8, 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) Pasta bowl!
 * 18) * Check the tense, please. Use of "would" is a conditional mood in the present tense. Unless it is IU speculation, please reword those instances.
 * 19) **You learn something new every day. Changed every offending instance of "would".
 * 20) * More later. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:29, September 10, 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) **I eagerly anticipate further trashing. 04:52, September 11, 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) ***Haha. No trash, just good ol' fashioned pasta. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 12:30, September 11, 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * "When Tomaas decided that it was time the youngest Azzameen, Ace, was to learn to fly so he could also assist in the family trade around 3 ABY, the responsibility to train the new recruit fell upon Aeron." This needs to be reworded and possibly broken apart. It borders on a run-on and does not read as well as the preceding text.
 * 24) **Broken up and reworded.
 * 25) * "For her first training session, Aeron told Ace, who flew with the family MK-series maintenance droid MK-09&hellip;" Did Aeron assign the droid to fly with Ace or did it just happen that way?
 * 26) **It looks like it just happened that way, though it's probably because Ace and Emkay always worked together.
 * 27) * "Both groups&hellip;" Who is in Aeron's group?
 * 28) **No one. Fixed wording.
 * 29) * "On the way back to their home, however, the two Azzameens were intercepted when a quick attack was launched on Harlequin Station by the Enkidu, a Pursuer-class enforcement ship." I could be wrong, but I thought it was before they left the station. Also, is there a link for the attack? I am not sure it deserves an article, but I was curious since I could not find one.
 * 30) **You are correct. Also, I can't find a link either. Should I make one?
 * 31) ***That would be your choice. I am neither sure it is notable enough nor bold enough to forcibly require it in order for this nom to pass; I leave that to you and other well-learned members of the community to decide. My preference is no, however, not in this particular case. Take that as you will. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:34, September 13, 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) * The last paragraph of Training an Azzameen seems disjunctive. The prior paragraph concludes with some type of victory, having chased the Viraxo-allied assailants away; then, the new paragraph begins with security systems. That is fine. The problem arises with the next portion. What are the family cargo fields? Are they back at Azzameen Station or at Harlequin Station? Where did the raiders come from? I thought they were all driven away (based upon the prior paragraph). Then, after the discovery of spice, they drive the Enkinu away again? Something chronologically is missing.
 * 33) **Clarified and expanded a lot. I was missing a few details, but they're in there now.
 * 34) * In Dealing with the Viraxo we are suddenly introduced to Emon? Who is Emon? There are no links for him either here or in the introduction as well. He needs context to be suddenly dropped in.
 * 35) **Emon appropriately introduced and contexted.
 * 36) *More coming. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 12:30, September 11, 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) **Your INQCONing is appreciated :D 14:09, September 12, 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * "Unfortunately for the Azzameens, forces once again conspired to act against them." Whose forces?
 * 39) **The Forces of Generalization. Reworded awkward phrase.
 * 40) ***I had to fix the tense of this, so it is noted. Please be careful of uses of "would." &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 21:16, September 18, 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) * "Aeron's group was tasked&hellip;" This needs to be clearly mentioned as the second group if it is so.
 * 42) **I think I fixed this? I'm not actually sure what you meant, so check and see if I was able to figure it out.
 * 43) * "The two rendezvoused at Azzameen Home Base&hellip;" "Rendezvoused" is not really a word; rendez-vous or rendezvous'' is, but both are a noun referring to a point of meeting.
 * 44) **Didn't think so. Reworded to keep the word but use it correctly.
 * 45) * I also would introduce the craft (first paragraph in 1.3) as the groups are introduced rather than after the fact.
 * 46) **I'm confused about this one. Do you mean to move the ships' names before their respective pilots, or something else?
 * 47) ***This kind of got ironed out in the process. No worries here. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 21:16, September 18, 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) * "The offending starfighters were soon dispatched..." dispatched needs to be followed by the preposition "with" to be factually accurate. Of course, that clause can't end with "with" so it needs to be reworded. Try something other than "dispatched with."
 * 49) **Reordered slightly.
 * 50) * "&hellip;their uncle didn't&hellip;" I know this falls under, but&hellip; contraction!
 * 51) **Fixed.
 * 52) * "The short discussion was made even shorter&hellip;" This is an awkward idiom. It does not sound encyclopedic.
 * 53) **Fixed.
 * 54) * "Faced with nearly no options&hellip;" POV.
 * 55) **Changed completely.
 * 56) ***Oooh, I like this much better! &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 21:16, September 18, 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) * "&hellip;where they resided for the time being." The idiom "time being" seems awkward to me in this context. Could something else be used?
 * 58) **Yes. Specified what "time being" was.
 * 59) *More later. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:34, September 13, 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) **Continued thanks. 17:15, September 17, 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) * "Successful, Ace returned&hellip;" Three things: this section is beginning to feel more like it belongs in the Ace article than Aeron's. Is there any way to expand upon Aeron's involvement and tone down Ace's? Secondly, what was successful? Was Antan liberated? Any details that could briefly be thrown into the sentence. Lastly, if Ace is mentioned as returning, what about Emon?
 * 62) **That part really did feel Ace-ish. I removed the latter portion completely and simplified both Emon and Ace's involvement in the matter. The only thing Aeron was responsible for was the discovery.
 * 63) * "Aeron's slicing efforts again proved fruitful for the Azzameen family." With? The context should be alluded to in this sentence with detailed extrapolation following.
 * 64) **Reworded and tweaked.
 * 65) * "before meeting Aeron in the Sabra&hellip;" Because this is Aeron's article and not about Ace, I suggest moving this information up so that it shows she did something during this time rather than dropping in the clause so suddenly. Also, expand on what she did as much as possible. Right now it seems like "Ace, Ace, Ace, and oh yeah, Aeron." Then, "Ace, Aeron, Ace, Ace."
 * 66) **Technically, that is how the game plays out, so it's very difficult to extrapolate what exactly goes on from her side of things. I've added a bit of context for her, though.
 * 67) ***I understand what you mean, but you did a good job straightening it out here. It is much more logical from a chronological perspective. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 23:45, September 26, 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * "Aeron's absences&hellip;" Was she expected somewhere or to be with someone?
 * 69) **Changed to "lack of communication" because it's more accurate.
 * 70) *** I see that it is gone now. Is it irrelevant? I was unsure how it fit earlier, but if it is relevant information it should be included. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 23:45, September 26, 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) ****I ended up removing it because, if it were to remain in, it'd be a one sentence paragraph (there really isn't a place to fit it). It's also only slightly relevant to the situation as a whole. While it does show the whole "Olin's worried about Aeron" theme... that's pretty much all it does. I did add it back in, reworded a bit. If it looks better/more complete like that, I'll keep it in there, but if it really feels out-of-place it's going to have to go, as the current revision is the best I can come up with.
 * 72) * "Around the same time, Ace transferred&hellip;" What does this have to do with Aeron or the article? Again, it seems much more about Ace than anything else. Adding information about other Azzameens to fill holes in the chronology should not be a primary fall back, if that is the intent. A couple of times might be fine, but this seems to be a pattern in this section. I do suggest going through this section again (1.4) and tweaking it so it is less about "Ace" and a touch more balanced.
 * 73) **I ended up trashing the last paragraph completely because an introduction to Ace's transfer fits elsewhere and the other was only slightly relevant. Also cleaned up some "Ace did this" and "Ace did that". There may be more that I'll cull later.
 * 74) *** My only curiosity is what is posted one higher. What about Aeron having a lack of communication? See above.
 * 75) ****See above.
 * 76) * "&hellip;inspecting each for easier identification by the incoming freighters." This does not make sense to me. Can this be reworded?
 * 77) **Reworded a lot.
 * 78) *** One quickie about the subsequent statements that have been made after this little section. "Once the entire group arrived, the Rebel fleet arrived&hellip;" Could this be varied a touch?
 * 79) ****Varied appropriately.
 * 80) * "Once there, Ace defeated several Alpha-class Xg-1 Star Wings, a Beta-class ETR-3 escort transport Minelayer laying mines, and the mines themselves, while inspecting satellites suitable for a listening device." Again, what about Aeron? Also, was the Minelayer placing mines and inspecting satellites or Ace? Clarification needed.
 * 81) **Cleaned up quite a bit.
 * 82) * "Eventually he settled for one&hellip;" Settled for what? Also, "settled for" provides the implication that he wanted another whatever-it-was but only got that 'thing.'
 * 83) **Removed wording altogether and fixed it up quite a bit.
 * 84) * "This forced Ace and Emkay into action, protecting Aeron and the satellite from attack." Was she spotted? Was she attacked? It is quite vague here. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 21:16, September 18, 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) **Fixed.
 * 86) * "Eventually Aeron finished her work&hellip;" What was her work on this task? That is more important than the information about Ace.
 * 87) **Specified while tweaking the amount of Ace.
 * 88) *More later. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 21:16, September 18, 2009 (UTC)
 * 89) **Continued continued thanks. 17:37, September 19, 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) ***No problem. I will get to the next section shortly. In the mean time a couple residual things are above. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 23:45, September 26, 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) ****Hopefully cleaned up the residue. 18:03, September 27, 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) * Sorry for the delay. RL made it difficult to get online. One thing about the statement "Still working off the grid&hellip;": This seems, to me at least, more relevant in the relationship section when addressing Garn. Sitting there by itself seems slightly out of place, although relevant chronologically. This is what I suggest: If possible, make allusion to it in the main body paragraphs so that a placement can still be pointed to. Then, have the details of this in the relationship section. Admittedly, I have not reached that point of the article, so it might be there; but, it seems more relevant to describing the dynamics of their friendship than anything else. Just something to consider. Now onto other stuff&hellip;
 * 93) **Though the relationship section doesn't deal with this specific email, it's made clear that Olin sent a lot to Ace to keep an eye on Aeron. As such, I've now removed it (again).
 * 94) ***Fair enough. I'll leave the discussion of the relationship for the host section when I arrive at that point. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:26, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
 * 95) * "While on his personal mission&hellip;" This sentence has a lot of commas and is disjunctive. First off, try to clean up the clauses so they flow better. Next, were the emails showing an increased frustration or did each passing email show more and more frustration as a progression?
 * 96) **Cleaned up and made clearer.
 * 97) * "Aeron noted another&hellip;" This almost appears out of the blue. Could it be tied into the preceding paragraph better?
 * 98) **Contextified some. Hopefully flows a bit better.
 * 99) * "&hellip;she contacted Ace due to Emon's mission." Due to the mission? What mission?
 * 100) **Changed.
 * 101) * "The convoy that Aeron expected to arrive later appeared in the system early, bringing with it an escort." This also seems plopped in without a context or lead-in. Could it be foreshadowed prior by indicating her expectation or something such as this? Otherwise it reads like a game-guide.
 * 102) **Attempted some foreshadowing. If it's not enough, let me know.
 * 103) ***To be honest, I was hoping to see the expectation listed earlier with the planning phase, but this wording is better than before. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:26, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
 * 104) * "After ignoring the message, he called his older sister, who agreed with his decision." The paragraph that contains this statement is only two sentences and should be consolidated into another. Also, I'm not quite sure what is going on in this sentence. Who is the inferred "he" in "his decision?" Also, what was the decision?
 * 105) **Cleaned up an integrated into proceeding statement.
 * 106) * The second paragraph of "Homecoming" seems to have nothing to do with Aeron. Is this information necessary? If it is, for contextual purposes, I think it should be condensed and how it effected Aeron included directly with it.
 * 107) **Culled a lot. Features more context and less filler, and is now hopefully a tad more fitting.
 * 108) * Sorry to say this, but by the end of the third paragraph I am confused as to what is going on. I apologize for this, but I am not certain. See what you can do while working in the area. I'll readdress this part when the surrounding text is sifted if necessary. I'm sure that will help.
 * 109) **Sifted, culled, extracted, cleaned up, modified, and a whole lot more done.
 * 110) *More later. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 23:40, October 4, 2009 (UTC)
 * 111) **Many thanks. I know it's not the most polished piece of work, but I appreciate the time and effort you're putting in to it. 02:21, October 11, 2009 (UTC)
 * 112) ***No problem, Jorrel. Thanks for the patience to work with all of this. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:26, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
 * 113) * Next round: "Determined to get the coordinates for the base&hellip;" So, did they jump to hyperspace or not?
 * 114) **Do you mean on the return trip to the cargo station or the trip to Azzameen Home Base? I took care of the first situation in the last sentence of the preceding paragraph ("Ace deftly avoided the blasts and advancing TIE fighters and, as soon as new hyperspace coordinates were plotted, returned to the cargo station.") I've expanded a bit, though, in the rewrite of the paragraph mentioned on your next point.
 * 115) * "Displeased with the Otana ' s efforts&hellip;" What efforts? Context? How does this relate to Aeron?
 * 116) **Aeron is in the Otana, which Ace is piloting. At this point, the Otana is docking with the cargo station, so in return the station sends the IRD fighters to fight the Otana. I've inserted a little context on what the Otana was doing to anger the station's security.
 * 117) * "The IRD Fighters were unsuccessful&hellip;" This sentence also does not fit. In reality, this paragraph is still too disjunctive to follow.
 * 118) ** I ended up splitting the paragraph and completely rewriting it. Hopefully this new way is less confusing
 * 119) * The very next sentence uses as "however" as well. Plus, the context of who the mercenary group is needs a splash of context. I think this tells me a little more, but I am still a touch confused since it has read rather choppily to this point in this paragraph.
 * 120) **Done in the rewrite. It's the same merc group that was mentioned in the first paragraph of this section.
 * 121) * "&hellip;with the exception of the Otana." This does not quite make sense. Why would the Otana be aboard the Liberty?
 * 122) **The Otana has been on the Liberty (well, it was on the Defiance first, but Ace and the Otana were transferred) since Ace became a part of the Rebellion. The connection is made because Ace's "room" has been shown to be aboard the Otana, and after the mission you are still able to visit the room. That being said, I've removed the sentence completely since it's borderline OR.
 * 123) * I admit that it is definitely not paramount to the article, but the ending leaves the outcome of Antan's betrayal hanging. Is this deliberate? Was the information ever revealed?
 * 124) **It was not revealed. Immediately after that mission is the 4-part Battle of Endor mission, and the Endor missions finish the game. It's never been elaborated on in 10 years either (big surprise 9_9), so the hanging questions continue to hang.
 * 125) * "Garn was slightly more open in revealing his feelings toward the female Azzameen." Which was&hellip;?
 * 126) **Added.
 * 127) *That's it. Mostly, it is just that section of "Homecoming." &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:26, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
 * 128) **Thank you very much. I hope I cleaned up that one paragraph enough for it to read better. 18:12, October 29, 2009 (UTC)
 * 129) From the Chron-O-John of Green Tentacle:
 * 130) * Bajic Shipyards in the intro seems like it should link to something. Since I don't recall it being called anything other than Vergesso Base, I didn't do it myself. Should Bajic Shipyards redirect to that?
 * 131) **In-game, it was merely Vergesso Base. Pipelinking added.
 * 132) * Dealing with the Viraxo: Galin needs context and a link.
 * 133) **Added sentence at the beginning of the paragraph with link and small description.
 * 134) * Family reunion: "Aeron convinced a skeptical Emon to follow through with the plan&hellip;" You haven't mentioned that there's a plan yet.
 * 135) **Added plan.
 * 136) *Not exactly an objection but Aeron clearly needs at least one audio quote. :P Green Tentacle (Talk) 22:16, January 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * 137) **Yes, she does. Unfortunately I don't have a copy of the game on me (just moved, etc.) so it'll be some time before I get that all set up. There will be one, though. 09:36, January 9, 2010 (UTC)
 * 138) ***One? How about nine?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -- Darth Culator  (Talk) 15:03, January 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 139) ****You, sir, are a crazed madman. I appreciate your insanity. 01:39, January 19, 2010 (UTC)
 * 140) Attack of the Clone
 * 141) * "Aeron was then left at home as Tomaas, Galin, Emon, Ace, and Emkay made their way to deliver the bacta to a clandestine hospital set up for Rebel casualties of the Battle of Hoth." How exactly did "the" bacta come into play?
 * 142) **Replaced "Cargo" with "Bacta" earlier in the paragraph.
 * 143) * "but also showed surprise at the discovery of the fleet": how so? Do you mean to say the Azzameens'  discovery of the fleet? It's rather unclear here.
 * 144) **Added "Azzameens'".
 * 145) * "Still working off the grid, Aeron's lack of communication caused Olin Garn's suspicions to rise; he later contacted Ace about his worries concerning Aeron." Is this directly relevant to Aeron at its current location? It doesn't seem to be, so please clarify.
 * 146) **Expanded the "paragraph" a little in order to make it fit better.
 * 147) * Please source that Fact tag.
 * 148) **Sourced. Must've forgotten to make note of it when I split up the paragraph.
 * 149) * "where he attempted to explain the circumstances of his appearance at the recapturing of Falcon's Nest ": I thought you said earlier that Antan "attempted to flee the system"? Please clarify.
 * 150) **Clarified with a rephrasing of the sentence.
 * 151) * "Antan, with his end of the bargain to remove the meddlesome Azzameen children complete, left the system, leaving a bewildered and angered Aeron in his wake." Antan's betrayal comes almost out of nowhere and needs to be made clearer to avoid leaving the reader room for misinterpretation. Please try to do so.
 * 152) **Similarly rephrased.
 * 153) * "Ace, with Aeron and MK-09 aboard": aboard where? This isn't very clear.
 * 154) **Removed. Should be clear from the earlier paragraph so it's unnecessary.
 * 155) * "Aeron Azzameen was a Human female with brown hair. Born into the Azzameen family sometime before the Galactic Civil War" Can't this be mentioned as the very first thing in the Bio? In the intro, even? It's almost pointless to bring it to the reader's attention all the way down in the P&T, and I'm not even sure it's relevant to the P&T itself.
 * 156) **Kept the first sentence, removed the second, and added a small part explaining her piloting skills.
 * 157) * "When her brother Ace came of age to start working for the family, Tomaas Azzameen told Aeron to teach the burgeoning pilot." How is this at all relevant to Aeron's personality?
 * 158) **Not sure. I think I was trying to establish her helpfulness but never got around to putting it in.
 * 159) * "Her loyalty to family was inadvertently one of the reasons the family business was forced to fold; a mission to strike back at the rival Viraxo, in which Aeron risked her life in several ways, did not go as she had planned. This botched mission caused the Viraxo to retaliate by calling in the Galactic Empire to seize the Azzameen family's assets." Can this somehow be shortened? This analysis of the consequences of her actions needs to be more focused on her personality rather than just being that&mdash;an analysis of the consequences.
 * 160) **Tried to focus more on Aeron, less on consequences. I still feel that mention of the consequences is necessary so it's still there, just less so.
 * 161) * Please try to rewrite the Relationships section on Garn from Aeron's POV instead of Garn's; it seems like it's coming right out of Garn's own Bio otherwise.
 * 162) **Rewrote a few pieces. A lot of it is relevant but given from Olin's POV only. All of the glaring, changeable parts have been fixed, though.
 * 163) *Please take notice of WP:NPOV. No matter how "unfortunate" something is for the Azzameens, not all in-universe subjects will agree, which is why the policy was created in the first place. Also, please pay attention to linking, as it was rather lacking.  CC7567  (talk) 21:25, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
 * 164) **Noted. Thank you for the review, tweaks, and heads-ups. 01:52, January 29, 2010 (UTC)

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