Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Telosian Jedi Academy


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

(6 Inq/2 Users/8 Total)
Support
 * 1) As co-nominator.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 00:03, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) Co-Kajibbly. Greyman  http://images.wikia.com/central/images/9/9c/Jan.png ( Talk ) 00:05, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 3)  Graestan ( Talk ) 00:03, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) Addressed in IRC.  Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 14:12, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) --  Darth Culator  (Talk) 00:23, 30 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) Thefourdotelipsis 22:21, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) Toprawa and Ralltiir 02:15, 9 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) Redundant vote. Cull Tremayne 03:46, 9 May 2008 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From Graestan the Mighty:
 * 2) * Jedi Civil War could use some context in the intro, especially that the bombing was part of the conflict.
 * 3) **Added context.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) * Some information regarding the history surrounding the Exile's visit should be included in the intro.
 * 5) **Added history.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) * First sentence of "Layout" should either be broken up or punctuated consistently; it currently shifts from commas to semicolons.
 * 7) **Broken up and fixed.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) * "The latter was similar in style to the one seen at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant during that era; in addition, the exterior was outwardly similar to the Temple on the Galactic Republic's capital world." – This needs to be sourced.
 * 9) **Sourced.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 10) * "Four artificially-created towers rose up around the perimeter of the academy's exterior, with one at each point on the compass." – Their origins and positions in relation to the planet are not established, if I remember correctly.
 * 11) **Reworded.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) * Last sentence of "Layout" should probably either be moved or paraphrased into "History." Also, no information on the Polar Irrigation System itself, its purpose? Furthermore, some information on the war itself should be added, including some context from Revan, who is referred to out of the blue in the next paragraph.
 * 13) **Sentence transposed, context added for Jedi Civil War. Please advise if more tweaking is desired.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) * "It was the ability &hellip; to be able to" is a bit awkward.
 * 15) **Fixed.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) * The First Jedi Purge could use a little setup, since it is a key focus of the game.
 * 17) **Added some more context.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 18) * Can the parenthetical statement be moved into the prose? I don't really care for parentheses, which read more like casual asides. In this statement, a passing mention is made of the Katarr incident, which I believe should be laid out.
 * 19) **Done.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 20) * Kreia and Citadel station need some context, as well as Nihilus's nature.
 * 21) **Elaborated more on these events.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 21:54, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 22) * So does Malachor V.
 * 23) **Put up some context.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 21:54, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 24) * Oh, please kill the "fate remains unknown" line, as it is speculative in nature. Better to just leave it at what we do know.
 * 25) **Killed it dead.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 26) * No BtS? Nothing to offer up, even from Team Gizka? Please respond to this here, if there is nothing to add.
 * 27) **I'll ask Red about more stuff to add to the BtS.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 02:09, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 28) *A bit of advice: In writing articles for GA, FA, or anything, I would assume that the reader only has a basic understanding of Star Wars, and not the Expanded Universe. Graestan ( Talk ) 01:15, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 29) Googly Moogly:
 * 30) * "The Academy was hidden within a large plateau in the polar region of Telos IV that had been used to house the Telos Polar Irrigation System, which had been abandoned after the Bombing of Telos IV during the early stages of the Jedi Civil War, in 3,959 BBY." This really needs to be split up into a couple sentences IMO. "which had been" right after "that had been"? Also, I'm not sure you need the date there. You just mentioned the Jedi Civil War a sentence earlier, and neglected to mention the date, so why put it there? Makes the sentence look clunky.
 * 31) **Ouch, how'd that get by? Thanks for spotting that; it's been fixed.
 * 32) * "save for Atris and her Handmaiden Sisters." This could stand to be reworded. As it is now, it reads as though the Handmaidens are Atris' sisters.
 * 33) **Tweaked.
 * 34) * Please correct me if I'm wrong, but does this sentence require semicolons? Shouldn't commas suffice? "The building held a hangar that was large enough to accommodate a starship the size of a light freighter; storage rooms; separate quarters for any on-site personnel; a private meditation chamber for Atris; and a chamber for a Jedi Council to meet."
 * 35) **I'm not sure who would be right in this case, so I went ahead and switched the semicolons out for commas.
 * 36) * In the "Layout" section, you use "similar" three times in fairly quick succession, could a different word be inserted there to break up the monotony?
 * 37) **Done.
 * 38) * "Throughout the Jedi Civil War, Jedi holocrons and other materials and relics of historical value had been secretly evacuated from Dantooine to Telos." Jedi holocrons and other materials and relics of historical value? Mind rewording this to take out the second "and"? I see what you're doing, but it just reads awkwardly at first glance.
 * 39) **Reworked the first "and".
 * 40) * "delving into forbidden knowledge of the dark side in hopes of finding a way of defeating the Sith from within." Might read better if it was: "finding a way to defeat the Sith"?
 * 41) **So switched.
 * 42) * I can't believe I'm saying this, but "The only Jedi to ever come to the Academy was the Exile herself, and only because she had come to retrieve the Ebon Hawk," needs to be sourced for the gender. :S
 * 43) **LOL! Sure thing, buddy. ;-)
 * 44) * I'd like to see this reworded. "Eventually, Atris was proven to be wrong in her belief that the Sith would not attack Telos twice. Kreia, who sought revenge upon not only the Sith Triumvirate she had created as Darth Traya," Basically because her seeking revenge upon a three person government isn't exactly correct...since she's not seeking revenge on herself is she? I just think it could be worded better to avoid confusion.
 * 45) **If I understand your meaning correctly, there you go. Please advise if you'd like a further rewording.
 * 46) * "The Exile, who had found out about Nihilus's intentions and Kreia's disappearance from Atton, raced to do battle with Sith forces as they attempted to disable the massive orbital complex known as Citadel Station, which was the basis for the Telosian Restoration Project, before confronting and ultimately defeating the Sith Lord aboard his flagship, the Ravager." This is quite a long sentence, and it loses its point about halfway through when we hit the mention of the Citadel Station. Mind splitting it up so as not to lose focus? Also, is there a reason Atton is not linked here, but is linked in the next section?
 * 47) **Broken up and reworded.
 * 48) * "However, following the reactivation of the Mass Shadow Generator and subsequent destruction of Malachor, the Exile departed for the Unknown Regions," Why is "However" used here? You already told us that the Exile didn't return to known space with them didn't you? Or am I missing the point?
 * 49) **Seemed like a good idea at the time. Removed.
 * 50) * "While Atris meditated with her large collection of Sith Holocrons in an attempt to unlock the secrets to defeating them," Earlier you say that Atris had the holocrons in order to figure out a way to defeat the Sith. This clause seems to suggest that she was trying to defeat the holocrons themselves. Which is the case?
 * 51) **Whoops. Reworded.
 * 52) * Due to Brianna not being with you if you play as a female, shouldn't there be some citations regarding Brianna taking up the mantle of Jedi Historian from Atris? I ask because it's not mentioned in the BtS. Is there a different fate for the Academy if you plays as a female?
 * 53) **Canonically-speaking, it turns out no one took over the Academy. Making a note in the BtS, though.
 * 54) *Good work sir. Cull Tremayne 05:29, 2 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 55) **Thank you.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 01:46, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 56) From the Merciless Hammer of Toprawa:
 * 57) * Please add a little context to explain what the Star Forge is: "and, if possible, to destroy&mdash; the Star Forge"
 * 58) **Done.
 * 59) * Who are these two members? Please specify: "not only the other two members of the Sith Triumvirate that she had created as Darth Traya"
 * 60) **Done.
 * 61) * Not exactly what you're intending to say here. The Jedi Council exiled the Force? " but also the Jedi Council who had exiled her and even the Force itself,"
 * 62) **Fixed.
 * 63) * I would recommend largely rewriting the paragraph beginning "Eventually, Atris was proven wrong..." You jump around to a number of different concepts and it becomes very confusing. By the time I get to the end, I'm lost. Additionally, a lot of that seems like extraneous, fluffy material. I'm not sure what most, if any, of it has to do with the Academy itself.
 * 64) **Split the paragraph, rewriting both parts.
 * 65) **I've rewritten that part for you, Tope. Greyman  http://images.wikia.com/central/images/9/9c/Jan.png ( Talk ) 02:11, 9 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 66) * Kinda going along with the previous objection, I'm not sure what this sentence specifically has to do with the Academy itself: "After the Exile and her party traveled to Malachor V, intent on ending the threat posed by Darth Traya, confronting and killing her at the core of the ancient Trayus Academy, the rest of the Jedi, except for the Exile, returned to known space in order to revive the Order."
 * 67) **Removed entirely.
 * 68) * Who, specifically, is saying this? "Brianna was said to have returned to the Telos Academy"
 * 69) **Ibid.
 * 70) * Again, not sure what this has to do with the Academy itself: "Following the reactivation of the Mass Shadow Generator and subsequent destruction of Malachor, the Exile departed for the Unknown Regions, in search of Revan and the threat from the True Sith that he sought to halt." Toprawa and Ralltiir 04:49, 4 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 71) **Ibid. Thanks for reviewing.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 01:46, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
 * "Constructed under strictest secrecy after Telos was bombarded from orbit by forces of the Sith Empire commanded by the traitorous Admiral Saul Karath" - Traitorous to whom? "The Academy level serves to instigate the main plot and storyline for the game, where the Exile encounters Atris for the first time since departing for the Malachor Van Wars]]." Something's broken there, but I'm not quite sure what it is someone's accidentally deleted. Thefourdotelipsis 10:00, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Reworded the sentence; as for the latter, I can only either blame the auto-suggest feature or a vandal. Meh, it's been fixed.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 21:01, 8 May 2008 (UTC)

Comments


 * Being sourced as you read this; co-nominated along with Greyman.-- Goodwood [[Image:Redstarbird.svg|20px]] ( Alliance Intelligence ) 00:03, 24 April 2008 (UTC)