Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Gelesi (second nomination)


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Gelesi

 * Nominated by: NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:22, February 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: I have to at least try this one once more.

(0 Inqs/2 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1)  NAYAYEN : TALK 07:16, April 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2)  02:50, May 25, 2010 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) You need to add the fact that he received an entry in the CSWE, in the BTS.--Jedi Kasra (comlink) 00:43, February 25, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) *Added. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:17, February 25, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) '''Getting my foot back in the door&hellip;"
 * 4) * There has to be a better descriptor for Iziz than "a major city on Onderon." It's the only city on Onderon, for starters.
 * 5) **Fixed.
 * 6) * No time frame is given for Gelesi in the intro.
 * 7) **Added.
 * 8) * There are no specifications of rank for Sullio and Gelesi in the intro despite the game dialogue being pretty obvious about it all.
 * 9) **Done.
 * 10) * Specification that it was the entire planet's allegiance in question in the intro is required.
 * 11) **Implanted.
 * 12) ***Not really, it still reads as though the people themselves want to be loyal or secede; not for the planet itself. Graestan ( Talk ) 01:23, March 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 13) ****How about now? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:28, March 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 14) * The "Battle of Onderon" should be a pipelink; the game doesn't outright call it that.
 * 15) **Re-linked. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:14, March 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * 16) ***Actually, there's no link, and I think there should be one. Graestan ( Talk ) 01:23, March 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 17) ****Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:28, March 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 18) *Get back to me soon! Graestan ( Talk ) 14:58, March 3, 2010 (UTC)
 * 19) Pure fluff: "An in-game system that keeps track of the players responses, if the player chooses kinder options the player earns light side "points," if the player chooses aggressive or otherwise cruel actions the player earns dark side "points" and more neutral expressions earn no points either way."  Graestan ( Talk ) 01:25, March 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 20) *Sorry, remnant from the last draft. Removed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:28, March 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * 21) Nayayen
 * 22) * "Because her meeting with Kavar—a Jedi Master and Jedi High Council member who had gone into hiding due to the Triumvirate's crusade—was interrupted by an attack by Vaklu's men because Kavar was a high-ranking Royalist, the Exile rushed to escape the planet." Can this be reworded so that it doesn't use "because" twice in the same sentence? It sounds clunky in its current state so it might be worth splitting it.
 * 23) **Done.
 * 24) * There was a confrontation in the palace, then what? Did it succeed? What happened to Vaklu? A sentence or two for this info wouldn't go amiss.
 * 25) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:09, April 30, 2010 (UTC)
 * 26) *Not an objection but the infobox image could do with a better quality version. I'd do it but I've not got a save game near that part so you might want to ask Redemption or Culator. Not too bad otherwise.  NAYAYEN : TALK 22:00, April 29, 2010 (UTC)
 * 27) Pah-sta!
 * 28) *As a note, I trimmed a lot of stuff from the introduction that was completely irrelevant. Please remember to keep it light in the introduction. Some context is needed, but what had been there was way too much. Next time, I will simply object and wait as long as it takes to become satisfactory.
 * 29) * "Gelesi lived in Iziz, the walled city of the planet Onderon, with his wife and four-year-old daughter." In order to say that the daughter was four, there needs to be a time qualifier. What year or timeframe?
 * 30) *"In 3,951 BBY&hellip;" Proper source, please? Use a footnote if connections are being drawn, but neither KotOR nor TSL are acceptable sources for this.
 * 31) **This is still not fixed.
 * 32) ***Sorry about that. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:57, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 33) * What does the em dash clause about Bostuco and Riiken have to do with anything?
 * 34) * Sullio should be introduced before the captains. Otherwise, it is irrelevant information.
 * 35) * "Gelesi was shaken by the murder of Captain Sullio, as he was also unwillingly given her post, and became paranoid, afraid he would suffer the same fate." Run-on-ish. Please make this flow better as complete thoughts and two sentences.
 * 36) * "Though the murderer was never caught, his fears proved to be unfounded." I am not sure how to address this, as it is a hard one. His fears were unfounded in the game; nothing says anything about after the coup. Please tweak this to make it sound less speculative without implicating the timeframe of the game.
 * 37) *"&hellip;after it had involved the planet in several wars in the years prior." Please place this elsewhere, as placing it here seems like you are lobbying against her views by saying 'she still did this even though yada-yada happened.'
 * 38) **"Costly" and the general tone strikes of a non-neutral POV.
 * 39) ***Removed "costly" Added a sentence on the Royalists. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:57, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 40) * "Many believed&hellip;" Many? That is highly POVish and furthers my last point. What says that numerical qualifier?
 * 41) **Fixed up to this point. Thank you for the review. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:32, May 10, 2010 (UTC)
 * 42) ***There are still a few things above. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 16:03, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
 * 43) *Please simplify the sentence about Vaklu's supporters so it is not so compounded. Also, while we are in there&hellip; what says 'Vakluist?' I cannot find that anywhere in the game. In what scene and/or dialog, if any, can it be found?
 * 44) **Made Vaklu his own sentence, removed Vakluist (Good catch). NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:57, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 45) *"In actuality, however, the Hawk was attacked by the Onderon Military in order to frame the ship, and by association the Republic, for starting the conflict." What does this have to do with Gelesi? It seems like an apologist's POV.
 * 46) **Cut down, fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:57, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 47) *"&hellip;as he was fiercely loyal to the queen but acknowledged the Vakluist view that the Republic was unnecessarily dragging Onderon to war with them." The "unnecessarily" needs context. There was a sentence about this from the intro that was excised that would apply nicely here.
 * 48) **Swapped the sentences. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:57, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 49) *In the last bio paragraph, please jettison the em dash clause about the visas. Make that part of a regular sentence and talk about the Exile next. Also, this needs a touch of context as to when he was assigned this job, etc.
 * 50) *"&hellip;owned by the Jedi Exile, a former Jedi Knight who was searching the galaxy for Jedi Masters to help her in her quest to stop an organization of Sith, that had already virtually succeeded in eliminating the Jedi Order." I suggest breaking this up. Anything about the Sith or Jedi is irrelevant except that they were using both factions as pawns in the war. This does need to be marginally addressed so that the info is useful. That said, do not belabor it.
 * 51) *"Her meeting with Kavar—a Jedi Master and Jedi High Council member who had gone into hiding due to the Triumvirate's crusade—was interrupted by a group of soldiers entering the cantina." How Kavar fits into this is not clear at this point. Make this clear as it is important. Again, however, do not overdo it.
 * 52) *To summarize where this is going: Please clear out the first half of the third biography paragraph. The whole bit about the Exile seems like it is too much and irrelevant. The bit about the cantina skirmish, running, whatever.&hellip; please simplify it. The first time we see something that directly pertains to Gelesi is in the penultimate sentence. Unless it is important to him how the war escalated, it is all unnecessary.
 * 53) *"Once inside, they met up with Gelesi&hellip;" Please express this from Gelesi's angle. State that he joined when it escalated, or something. Right now it is a throw-in on an Onderon Civil War article, not a statement about Gelesi on his article.
 * 54) *"&hellip;overall neutral officer&hellip;" It is said above that he was a loyalist who sympathized with some anti-Republic sentiments, so this is inaccurate. Above it says he was ambivalent, not neutral.
 * 55) *"He had always wondered&hellip;" Always? Check POV.
 * 56) **He said he'd "always wondered." NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:27, May 11, 2010 (UTC)
 * 57) ***That's like my niece saying she's always liked Sesame Street. It's an idiomatic phrase. Soften it so that it is less of a POV blunder and more contextual.
 * 58) ****Well, my niece has "always liked" Sesame Street :P Changed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:57, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 59) * "The stress of the job made him feel like he was being targeted all the time and even a bit paranoid in his own opinion." This does not quite make sense and seems to be inaccurate. Please verify these things and the wording of them.
 * 60) **It is accurate. I've changed the wording a bit.
 * 61) *"Gelesi's face is actually one of the faces" Where does this come from? What can be used to verify this? Right now it is all conjecture.
 * 62) **I'm not sure what you mean. It is clearly the face from KotOR1. Do you want me to source it directly to that game? I'd assumed it was self-sourcing due to the mention of the game. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:27, May 11, 2010 (UTC)
 * 63) ***Pardon any unintended snarkiness, but&hellip; really? Where is the source that says that the file is recycled? If that is not possible, clearly illustrate that they are somehow exact; please cite the two exact images that are pulled from each source so that it can be verified. A lot of the faces in TSL look like faces in KotOR. That doesn't mean they are the same. I know I'm splitting hairs, here, but the whole bunk of self-sourcing is not a shield to toss in any type of circumstantial information behind. Cite it or eliminate it. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 16:03, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
 * 64) ****Removed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:57, May 18, 2010 (UTC)
 * 65) *Okay, that is all for now. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:04, May 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * 66) *Wait, one more. Nothing from Prima at all? &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:05, May 4, 2010 (UTC)
 * 67) **I asked about that the first time I nominated him. Nothing new. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:27, May 11, 2010 (UTC)
 * 68) Stuff and nonsense
 * 69) *"Gelesi was a Human male military officer who lived in Iziz, the capital and only city on planet Onderon," - Do we need to know that it's the only city on Onderon? This isn't repeated in the body, and just sorta clutters that opening sentence unnecessarily.
 * 70) *Basically, there's a ton of detail and context here that isn't directly relevant to Gelesi at all. It needs to be cut down. This mostly pertains to the second and third paragraphs of the biography. For instance, we don't need to know that the Exile fought her way up the ramp, or that she was interrupted by Colonel Tobin, or that the Ebon Hawk was framed by Vaklu or whatever. It's not directly relevant. Thefourdotelipsis 23:30, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
 * 71) Eyrezer:
 * 72) *"was interrupted by a group of soldiers entering the cantina." What cantina?
 * 73) *You should also mention prior to this his new habit of dealing with stress by visiting the cantina.
 * 74) *"y the time the Exile returned, after receiving word that Kavar had been trying to contact her, Onderon had fallen into full-scale civil war between the Royalists and separatist factions. The Exile was asked to take a military command of the Royalist forces and pressed across the Sky Ramp, a walkway to the Iziz Royal Palace, fighting her way to the top of the ramp alongside Bostuco and his men to defend the queen. Once inside, they met up with Gelesi, who was among the Royalist soldiers who fought against Vaklu's militarized allies and defeated the insurgents." This is all written from the perspective of the Exile, not Gelesi. You need to rewrite this section to avoid this.
 * 75) *Can we get an action shot of Gelesi? Perhaps fighting on the bridge? --Eyrezer 07:27, May 19, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)

 * 1) Several of Fiolli's objections from May 4 now inactive for three weeks.  CC7567  (talk) 08:12, May 27, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) *Just out of curiosity, has the courtesy of a talk page reminder been extended yet? Thefourdotelipsis 10:17, May 27, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) *Please remove this nomination and Operation: Knightfall . I don't have enough free time right now to work on them right now. Don't worry, they'll be back :P NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:51, May 29, 2010 (UTC)