Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Tholme (second nomination)

Tholme

 * Nominated by: Thefourdotelipsis 13:26, May 22, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: So, what you're telling me, is that the single most badass image on Wookieepedia could be on the front page again? Sold.
 * Apparently this is not the case. Y'all suck as a result. Thefourdotelipsis 07:52, May 24, 2010 (UTC)

Support

 * 1)  StarNeptune Talk to me! 07:47, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) --  Darth Culator  (Talk) 15:12, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) "Excellent!", Farl Watson cried. "Elementary." said Fourdot Tholmes. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 13:54, May 25, 2010 (UTC)

Star:

 * "Vos was subsequently dispatched by the Council to Kiffex, to investigate a massacre of a security compound, at the insistence of his aunt Tinté." That sentence reads a little awkwardly to me.
 * Tweaked.
 * " He provided Mace Windu with intelligence about a group of Jedi who were conscientious objectors to the war, and refused to return to Coruscant to take up arms. Acting on this, Windu journeyed to Ruul to settle the matter..." Maybe add that the group of dissident Jedi have gathered on Ruul in order to clarify why Windu is going there. :) Oh, and did Tholme refuse to take up arms as well, because that is how the sentence read to me.
 * Tweaked.
 * "Vos eventually returned to the Republic, and explained Tholme's plan to the rest of the Jedi, and with that the necessity for the secrecy over the past years." Maybe reword this a bit?
 * Reworded.
 * "Despite the fact that Tholme was a firm believer in the old ways of the Jedi, as noted by Count Dooku during their duel on Bakura." This appears to be an incomplete sentence.
 * Silly me. Fixed.
 * Not an objection per se, as I don't exactly know what policy is for this, but shouldn't Tholme's infobox say that he died after "some time after 19 BBY", sourced to the Legacy comic?
 * Well, he might have died in 19 BBY itself... originally it said "Before 137 BBY," but that seems a bit... obvious. I could work it so it's "19 BBY or sometime after," which do you think would work best?
 * I agree that it does seem obvious. I perused some articles on the wiki for any precedents for this situation. The Luke Skywalker article has "Unknown, between 44 ABY and 137 ABY", which seems to be a good way of doing it.  StarNeptune Talk to me! 06:56, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * People are allergic to the word "Unknown" round these here parts, but I did the rest. Thefourdotelipsis 07:20, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * It's all good.
 * And I'm out.  StarNeptune Talk to me! 15:40, May 22, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the review. Good to see you back, Star. Thefourdotelipsis 01:22, May 23, 2010 (UTC)

Farlstendoiro: Elementary

 * Underlinking. Blood, death, prisoner, day, Padawan, bacta, droid/security droid, ship, flagship... Please review the whole article.
 * I believe I have addressed this. -- Darth Culator  (Talk) 14:56, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * At least you've address it to my satisfaction. Didn't know you were working together for this nom. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 15:08, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * Not as such, no. He just asked me to check the linking and I happened to have nothing better to do. :-P --   Darth Culator  (Talk) 15:12, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * I was already in my pyjamas anyway. Thefourdotelipsis 15:15, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * Bio/Jedi Watchman: Context: What are the "Anzati arts"? Something deserving an article? Traditional music and architecture in the Anzati culture? Something related to the Jedi?
 * Contextified. Thefourdotelipsis
 * Also: "In addition to those talents, he became proficient at espionage and stealth". This is ambiguous: Did Akku Seii train Tholme at this, or did Tholme learned from other people?
 * It is deliberately ambiguous, as we do not know if it was specifically from Sei's training. However, much like in the source itself, the implication is there. Thefourdotelipsis
 * Context on Katichak. He was a murderer or something, that would be enough.
 * Contextified. Thefourdotelipsis
 * "For some reason, knowledge of Vos's high..." Could you reword "For some reason"? After all, you are not giving information with those words, and it sounds un-encyclopedic to me.
 * Axed. Thefourdotelipsis
 * The intro says that Tholme specifically resigned as Watchman to train Quinlan; the bio says that he instructed Quinlan and that he resigned as Watchman, in a not neccessarily related move that might have taken place years after starting Quinlan's training. Which one is it?
 * Fixed. Thefourdotelipsis
 * "She made a deal with the Anzati who had come to Kiffex in search of the legendary Dark Jedi Volfe Karkko." You have not mentioned these Anzati before. Suggestion: "with a group of Anzati."
 * Changed. Thefourdotelipsis
 * Bio/The training. Could you give some context to the opening quote?
 * Done. Thefourdotelipsis
 * 2nd paragraph of "The training". You assume the reader is familiar with the relation between Clan Secura and Ryloth. Please give more context.
 * Contextified. Thefourdotelipsis
 * "the Stark Jedi operations." I don't get it. Did Stark collaborate with the Jedi?
 * Changed. Thefourdotelipsis 12:22, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * More to come. Skippy Farlstendoiro 11:55, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * One minor thing: "Fortunately for Tholme and T'ra Saa, Order 66, in which Jedi across the galaxy were gunned down by their Clone troopers, went through while they were on Nar Shaddaa, meeting up with Vos's lover, Hentz." Without taking some effort to parse it, this reads as if Order 66 was fortunate for them. Maybe rearrange it just a bit? -- Darth Culator  (Talk) 14:56, May 24, 2010 (UTC)
 * Tweaked. Thefourdotelipsis 15:09, May 24, 2010 (UTC)

Farl is back, with more context and reword requests.''' You know, 'coz I could find nothing else to object.

 * 1st-mention context for Mace Windu & Sora Bulq ("Jedi Masters" would be enough)
 * Done. Thefourdotelipsis
 * Bio/The Training: "fill the gaps" sounds awfully un-encyclopedic.
 * Which is why it's in quotation marks. It's the wording used by the characters, since Tholme's training of Secura is a bit more informal than the norm. Thefourdotelipsis
 * "Fenn was planning to have Lon's son, Nat Secura, kidnapped in exchange for clemency." I understood this as Fenn saying "If you show me mercy, then as a payment, I will abduct Nat." You mean exactly the opposite. Please, reword.
 * I can't quite get me head around this one. Isn't it exactly the same thing? He will kidnap Nat if he is given clemency? Thefourdotelipsis
 * I think Fenn will kidnap Nat and then will blackmail Lon to get clemency for himself (for Fenn). The current way, it seems that Fenn negotiates with Lon and intends to kidnap Nat to gain Lon's sympathy, as if Nat's kidnapping was something that Lon wanted. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 13:44, May 25, 2010 (UTC)
 * Ah, gotcha. Is it now reworded to your satisfaction? Thefourdotelipsis 13:48, May 25, 2010 (UTC)
 * Same paragraph, ends with Secura realizing. Following sentence starts with Tholme realizing. Use a synonim for one.
 * Fixed. Thefourdotelipsis 13:38, May 25, 2010 (UTC)
 * You mention "dragging the boy away", but you have not specified that Nat was a boy - only that he was Lon's son. Add that information somewhere.
 * Done. Thefourdotelipsis
 * "One Morgukai was killed by Vos, the other supposedly dispatched by Secura" You probably can say which Morgukai was killed by whom.
 * Fixed. Thefourdotelipsis 13:38, May 25, 2010 (UTC)
 * "What would occur, however, was quite the opposite.[7]" While I appreciate you easeing the reading with figures, I still must appeal to NPOV.
 * Axed. Thefourdotelipsis
 * Please considered using The Dark Woman's real name; and say that she and Fisto were Jedi Masters on 1st mention.
 * Amended. Thefourdotelipsis
 * Context for the 327th Star Corps. Clone troops, I guess. Please note: at this point you have not even mentioned that the Clone Wars included Jedi leading clone troops.
 * Fixed. Thefourdotelipsis
 * "Tholme and T'ra Saa were able to escape Order 66, in which Jedi across the galaxy were gunned down by their Clone troopers, while they were on Nar Shaddaa, meeting up with Vos's lover, Hentz." Who were on Nar Shaddaa? Tholme and Saa? The Clone troopers? The Jedi across the galaxy? Why do you say "Clone troopers" with a Capital C? Oh, so many unanswered questions?
 * Fixed. Thefourdotelipsis
 * Context for Korto on his 1st mention.
 * Done. Thefourdotelipsis 13:38, May 25, 2010 (UTC)
 * Skippy Farlstendoiro 12:47, May 25, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

 * FFA. I believe I've addressed the Inq's concerns with it that were cited in its removal. Thefourdotelipsis 13:26, May 22, 2010 (UTC)