Wookieepedia:Good article nominations

 This page is for the nomination of good articles. This is not a way to showcase the articles of your favorite characters, spaceships, or the like. For a list of Good articles, see Category:Wookieepedia good articles.

A Good article is an article that adheres to quality standards, but cannot reach FA status due to its limited content.


 * Good article nominations history
 * Good article checklist
 * Good article nomination rules

READ THIS FIRST!

An article must&hellip;


 * 1) &hellip;be well-written and detailed.
 * 2) &hellip;be unbiased, non-point of view.
 * 3) &hellip;be sourced with all available sources and appearances.
 * 4) &hellip;follow the Manual of Style, Layout Guide, and all other policies on Wookieepedia.
 * 5) &hellip;following the review process, be stable, i.e., does not change significantly from day to day and is not the subject of ongoing edit wars. This does not apply to vandalism and protection or semi-protection as a result of vandalism.
 * 6) &hellip;not be tagged with any sort of improvement tags (i.e. more sources, expand, etc).
 * 7) &hellip;have a proper lead that gives a good summary of the topic if the length of the article supports it. This is essential in articles over 1000 words but may not be appropriate on articles with limited content.
 * 8) &hellip;not be tagged due to an excessive number of redlinks.
 * 9) &hellip;have significant information, especially a biography for character articles. For articles under 1000 words in length, comprehensive detail is required with all information covered from all sources and appearances. For articles over 1000 words, broad coverage addressing all major aspects of the topic is sufficient.
 * 10) &hellip;be completely referenced for all available material and sources. See Sourcing for more information.
 * 11) &hellip;have all quotes and images sourced.
 * 12) &hellip;provide at least one quote on the article if available. A leading quote at the beginning of the article would be preferred, though not required if no quotes are available. Although quotes may be placed in the body of the article, a maximum of one quote is allowed at the beginning of each section.
 * 13) &hellip;ideally include a "personality and traits" section on all character articles if information is available.
 * 14) &hellip;ideally include a "powers and abilities" section on relevant character articles, especially for Force-sensitive characters where said powers and/or abilities are stipulated.
 * 15) &hellip;include a "Behind the scenes" section.
 * 16) &hellip;include a reasonable number of images of sufficient quality to illustrate the article, if said images are available.
 * 17) &hellip;counting the introduction and "Behind the scenes" material, be at least 250 words long (not including captions, quotes, or headers, etc).

How to nominate:


 * 1) First, nominate an article you find is worthy of good status, putting it at the bottom of the list below. Nominated articles must meet all seventeen requirements stated above.
 * 2) Add GAnom at the top of the article you are nominating.
 * 3) Be sure to place sign in the "Nominated by" line when the nomination is posted for voting.
 * 4) Others will object to the nomination if they disagree that the article is good enough; they will then supply reasons for doing so, and ways to improve the article (errors, style, organization, images, notability, sources).
 * 5) Supporters adjust the article until the objectors (with reasonable objections) are satisfied.

How to vote:


 * 1) Before doing anything, be sure to read the article completely, keeping a sharp eye out for mistakes.
 * 2) Afterwards, compare the article to the criteria listed above, and then either support or object the article's nomination.
 * 3) *If you object, please supply concrete reasons for doing so, and how it can be improved.
 * 4) As stated above, any objections will be looked upon by the nominator, supporters, and anyone willing to improve the article, and action will be taken to please the objectors. Do not strike other users' objections; it is up to the objector to review the changes and strike if they are satisfied.
 * 5) Once an article has a total of five votes, with at least three votes coming from AgriCorps or Inquisitorius members&mdash;one of which must be an AgriCorps vote&mdash;after at least a week since it was nominated (beginning the day of its nomination) and no objections (or the objections have been stricken or overridden), the article will be considered a "Good article" and tagged with the template. The talk page will also be tagged with the GA template.
 * 6) The article is placed on the Good article list.

All nominations will be considered idle and are subject to removal by AgriCorps vote if objections are not addressed after a period of 3 weeks.

Good article nominations
To nominate an article for Good article status, list it here. Nominated articles must meet all seventeen requirements stated above. If an article has a total of five votes, with at least three votes coming from AgriCorps or Inquisitorius members&mdash;one of which must be an AgriCorps vote&mdash;after at least a week since it was nominated (beginning the day of its nomination) and no objections (or the objections have been stricken or overridden), the article will be considered a "Good article" and tagged with the template. The talk page will also be tagged with the GA template. For complete instructions on archiving nominations please see here. Also remember to add GAnom at the top of the article you are nominating.

Gelesi

 * Nominated by: NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 21:54, 21 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: In the name of the Face of Revan!

(2 ACs/1 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) --Eyrezer 03:48, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 02:01, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 19:23, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) You need to provide some more context in the bio section regarding his choice to support the Queen. I know it is mentioned in the intro, but needs to be in the bio as well. Also, doesn't it need light-side tags seeing as the dark-side path is in the Bts? --Eyrezer 04:04, 23 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *It is mentioned in the Bio and I've added the tags. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 08:31, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) **The addition you made to the intro re the Queen is good. But what I was suggesting is that the extra context should be placed in the Biography section, rather than the intro. As it is currently, the intro has more info of the Queen/Vaklu conflict than the biography. --Eyrezer 21:30, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:31, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****Yep.
 * 6) Graestan the Merciless:
 * 7) * Was the CSWE checked?
 * 8) **Yes, I'm told there is nothing significant. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * "Young" is pretty subjective. Please remove.
 * 10) **Removed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * Mentioning that he lives in Iziz, and not just plain Onderon, is essential in both the intro and bio.
 * 12) **Done
 * 13) * Context for Talia's and Vaklu's ideals in the intro.
 * 14) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:42, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * Context for the Onderon Civil War in the intro.
 * 16) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:46, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * Context for the Second Battle of Onderon in the intro.
 * 18) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:42, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * Do we know he was only one of three total Captains of the Guard for Iziz? It sounds speculative.
 * 20) **Yes we do. That girl who wants them gone if the Exile sides with Vaklu says so. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * "Gelesi did not fall victim to a murder" – This is pretty evident. It's also pretty much unnecessary. Please either reword considerably or remove.
 * 22) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * Context for the Jedi Exile.
 * 24) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:42, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * Context for Kavar.
 * 26) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:20, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * There is zero setup for the political situation. Please expand the bio with the necessary information.
 * 28) * From the intro and P&T, I can tell that this article is far from complete in terms of telling his story as part of the larger situation. Please expand it appropriately. I'll continue my review at that point. Graestan ( Talk ) 04:10, 23 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) Cylka:
 * 30) * Iziz wasn't a major or a large city on Onderon, it was the only city. Please change the intro and article body to reflect this.
 * 31) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) * Was Sullio his good friend? If she was, you need to add that to the article proper as well.
 * 33) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * You give two different versions of Sullio's murder -- one in the intro the other in the article body. Please correct them so that they will be the same.
 * 35) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * In the introduction, I believe everything will flow a bit more smoothly if you introduce the political situation first, then the fact that Gelesi is torn between them.
 * 37) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * wanted to secede from the Rebublic as they felt it was dragging Onderon into to many conflicts. - What is this it, that is dragging Onderon into too many conflicts? Please clarify.
 * 39) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * He was among the soldiers that verified a visa belonging to the Jedi Exile, a woman in search of any surviving Jedi High Council members to help her in eliminating the Sith Triumvirate, as she was in a rush to leave the planet. - There is almost zero context for any of this information. We really don't know who the Exile was, or why she was an Exile. What exactly happened to the Jedi High Council, in that there are only survivors. Who is the Sith Triumvirate, and why do they need to be eliminated. And why is she in a rush to leave the planet? You either need to give some context or you need to streamline the information that you are going to give.
 * 41) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:42, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * Why did the Onderon Civil War start? And I believe that you should pipelink the Second Battle of Onderon, otherwise you will have to explain why it is the second battle and not the first.
 * 43) **That is explained because the political situation escalated. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) * I'm not sure that you can say that Gelesi was the youngest of the three Captains. That is a bit subjective. Same with him being Human. What is your source for that?
 * 45) **He is obviously human. He even has the face of a confirmed human. If you argue that, what is the source for Bostuco, Andi, Carth, or Jolee? There are no Cylons in Star Wars. Also, Andi calls him the youngest of the guards so the info is valid. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * I also wouldn't say that the Republic dragged Onderon into the wars. It was more like Onderon, as part of the Republic, had a responsibility to take part in these wars.
 * 47) **The opinion of the Vakluists was that they were "dragging" them into the conficts but I have an idea for a compromise on this one though it may be a bit wordy.
 * 48) * though in actuality the Hawk was the one attacked by the Onderon Military. - Why was the Hawk attacked by the Onderon Military?
 * 49) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) * The Exile was in a rush to escape the planet after a meeting with Kavar, a Jedi Master and Jedi High Council member who went into hiding following an event that crippled the Jedi Order's numbers, that was interrupted by an attack by Vaklu's men. - This sentence is a bit disjointed. It appears that you just slapped some information in the middle of a previous sentence without trying to integrate the new information. Whay was the Exile in a rush? You need to contextify this "event" a bit more. What was interrupted by Vaklu's men?
 * 51) **Done, as well, It states that the meeting between Kavar and the Exile is interrupted. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) * By the time the Exile returned, after meeting with another Master, Onderon had fallen into full-scale civil war between the Royalists and Vakluist faction. - Why did the Exile return? I believe that you can cut out the part about her meeting another Master, since it has nothing to do with this article.
 * 53) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) * The Exile took a military command of the Royalist forces and pressed across the Sky Ramp, a walkway to the Iziz Royal Palace, fighting her way to the top alongside Bostuco and his men. - Why did the Exile take military command, and why did they need to get to the Palace? And to the top of what did they fight their way?
 * 55) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 56) * You should make it clear right from the start, and not the end, that the non-canonical version means that the Exile has sided with Vakklu from the beginning.
 * 57) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * In the Bts, why did Anda want the removal of the three Captains?
 * 59) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) * Who are the Beast Riders? They need some context in the Bts.
 * 61) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) * Another way to remove him is to have Panar, a Beast Rider working under Bakkel who frequented the Beast Rider's Den in the cantina, threaten to kidnap and marry his four-year old daughter if she chooses to support General Vaklu. - You need to fix your use of pronouns in this sentence. It is quite unclear who thinks what.
 * 63) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:42, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * What do you mean about being dark sided. Some one who is not familiar with the game, may not understand this.
 * 65) **Contextified. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) * I believe that the Prima Guide needs to be listed as a source as well.
 * 67) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * Again there are numerous spelling mistakes along with many linking issues. You also need to check your use of pronouns. Please check over the whole article.
 * 69) **There was only three, if you see it then take the 2 seconds it takes you using your internet and do it.
 * 70) * Please take care of these objections and I will look over the article again. I realize that some of my objections may fall under, but you have already promoted three articles to GA status, and so you know what kinds of things to look out for. Each of your previous articles, plus the ones that you currently have on the GAN page all have the same issues with them. You make the changes necessary to fix objections, but they appear to be somewhat hasty, and at times create additional issues. At this point, I am not inclined to give you much leeway. You have had plenty of time and practice to learn the ropes. Cylka  -talk- 12:04, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) **Look, I'm a bad speller, I haven't taken a spelling test since 5th grade. I do well enough and I ask that if you see it, fix it. As well, I know the ropes well enough, I've been a wookieepedian longer than you so I ask that you please take your expectations of me and leave them at the door. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) ***Look, Naru, the "I've been a wookieepedian longer than you" bit is unneeded and I don't like what you're implying with that. Cylka is right in that you should not be making the same mistakes over and over. Anyway, in the future, put the article into Word and spellcheck it. That's what I do before nominating things, and it works.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 22:06, 3 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) ****Yes, that was probably uncalled for but I assure you that there were no implications with it. And yes, I'll do that from now on not that I hadn't already done that in the past. However, by striking her objections without voting, Cylka has made her opinion quite obvious and I see no use of prolonging this conversation.  NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:02, 4 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) Soresu
 * 75) * The Exile was in a rush to escape the planet after a meeting with Kavar, a Jedi Master and Jedi High Council member who had went into hiding due to the crippling of the Jedi Order by the Triumvirate, that was interrupted, as Kavar was a Royalist, by an attack by Vaklu's men. This doesn't flow very well. Reword slightly.
 * 76) **Is this better? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:59, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) * There is a non-canonical ending of the game, as supporting Taila's faction is considered canon, the Jedi Exile, at the request of a Vaklu supporter named Anda, who wanted the removal of the three Captains of the Guard to weaken the Royalist military in preparation for the attack on the Royal Palace and was willing to pay the Exile twenty-five hundred credits for each one she removed. This sentence is dangling. There needs to be a bit at the end explaining what the Exile chooses to do. Since the second part of the sentence is just context, at the moment, it's reading like "There is a non-canonical ending of the game, as supporting Taila's faction is considered canon, the Jedi Exile, at the request of a Vaklu supporter named Anda." SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:52, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:59, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 79) Attack of the Clone
 * 80) * "he was given her rank and assignment, verifying starport visas, cards that allowed passage on and off the planet, at the entrance to the Merchant Quarter from Iziz Starport." The sentence seems rather choppy with a lot of commas stopping sentence flow; please try to rephrase.
 * 81) * "the Republic was unnecessarily dragging Onderon to war with them: bit awkward phrasing.
 * 82) * "an attack by Vaklu's men as Kavar was not only a Jedi but a high-ranking Royalist, the Exile was in a rush to escape the planet." This sentence is unclear; please check again.
 * 83) * "By the time the Exile returned, after receiving word that Kavar had been trying to contact her, Onderon had fallen into full-scale civil war between the Royalists and Vakluist faction." Two prepositions are used, and it's unclear whether each one applies to Onderon or the other preposition.
 * 84) * Vaklu and Revan both need context when they appear.
 * 85) **Vaklu has context and I've contextified Revan.
 * 86) * "and even a bit paranoid in his own opinion": so it was he himself that deemed himself to be paranoid? It sounds a bit strange; please check this.
 * 87) **He says in-game that he thinks he's become paranoid, I checked it before I wrote it. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:21, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) * Please reword "dark sided".
 * 89) **I moved the context before it and this way of phrasing it has been used in many FAs and GAs before. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:21, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) * I understand that you have different (and perhaps stronger) beliefs about the inclusion of context than I do, but there are some places in which the context just cuts through the sentence flow. One example is the first sentence of the Bio's third paragraph, and another is the last sentence of the same paragraph; in both cases, it's extremely unclear which context belongs to what. Dashes sometimes suffice, but overall the article's sentence flow is a bit choppy and run-on. Please check the article again and see if you can smooth it out more.  CC7567  (talk) 06:49, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) **How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:00, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Ordo Skirata

 * Nominated by:ToRsO bOy 18:31, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: First article. Oh boy.

(2 ACs/1 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Your first vote. Good job! SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 09:02, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Good work.  CC7567  (talk) 04:44, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Nice job :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 12:15, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Looking good, Ordo is easily the best Null --Jinzler 20:28, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Objections and comments

 * Please leave further objections and comments here

Peragus II

 * Nominated by: -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  18:11, 31 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Second nomination; I've looked over last nomination's faults and, to my beliefs, addressed them. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  18:11, 31 March 2009 (UTC)

(1 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 19:33, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Looks good to me.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 17:56, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Chack Attack:
 * 2) * "Following the events of 3,951 BBY, when the Peragus Mining Facility was destroyed due to the Sith Lord Darth Sion's pursuit of the Jedi Exile, and a stray blast from Sion’s ship, the Harbinger, detonating the Peragus asteroid field." Is the "when" in here by mistake, because this sentence makes little sense as is.
 * 3) *"almost destroyed by attempts at" What was almost destroyed? The mining facility or the planet?
 * 4) *"The planet was devoid of any sort of native species, with Peragus II also being devoid of any sort of Human settlements other than the Peragus Mining Facility, a facility sealed to the planets atmosphere other than when exited when wearing a space suit." This reads poorly. Plus, you already mentioned the mining facility; no need to repeat context.
 * 5) *The drift chart info seems unnecessary and can probably be removed.
 * 6) *"The first fuel mining colony established on Peragus II proved to be short of life, when an accidental blaster shot triggered an explosion of flammable substances in Peragus II's crust and mantle, so powerful that it turned a large chunk of the planet into an asteroid field, which would become the Peragus asteroid field, and exposed its core" This bit is confusing and needs to be clarified and written better.
 * 7) *Your referencing is completely unnecessary. If all the info in one paragraph comes from one source, no need to source it multiple times in that paragraph. For example: The second paragraph all comes from KOTOR II. Just have the one source at the end of it, rather than scattered throughout.
 * 8) *Context on Citadel Station.
 * 9) *"After the Jedi Civil War, Telos IV relied on this resource to keep Citadel Station in orbit, and with the most humanitarian elements of the Senate putting their careers at stake in the restoration project, any interruption of the work on the Peragus mining facility was likely to have greater repercussions throughout the Republic. If the fuel supply was somehow compromised, Citadel Station would risk falling onto the planet's surface, dooming the restoration efforts there and throughout the Outer Rim." This is written a bit poorly, and is confusing. The restoration project needs to be explained a bit more.
 * 10) *Context on Kreia.
 * 11) *Rather than having many small pargraphs in the "Skirmish" section, try combining several of them.
 * 12) *What is the Exile's standing with the Jedi?
 * 13) *Context on Goto.
 * 14) *Why did HK-50 want the Exile for himself? To claim the bounty?
 * 15) *Context on Atton Rand, please.
 * 16) *"The destruction of the mining station had a deeper impact than the Exile could imagine." I think this is unnecessary, and it seems OR. Remove it, I'd suggest.
 * 17) *The last sentence of "Aftermath" is really confusing. Who is G0-T0? What is going on?
 * 18) *You refer to it as both the "facility" and the "Facility". Please choose one and stick with it.
 * 19) *When you have an Inhabitants section, there's no need to detail the species that live there earlier. The same with repetitive descriptions of the mining facility.
 * 20) *Linking! You have things that need to be linked, and links that are repeated. I fixed some things for you, but you should do at least some of it yourself.
 * 21) *Having never played this game, I find myself confused at many things described in the article. Please go through, contextify things, and fix up the general prose.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 22:10, 8 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **Alright, I've addressed those. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  08:10, 9 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) Attack of the Clone I
 * 24) * Please be careful about what you focus on; the article is about the planet, not about the skirmish on it. Yes, the event was one of the only major events there, but try not to excessively focus on it.
 * 25) * Also, a note for future noms: in the body, be sure to only link to something once at its first mention, even if the body of the article has multiple sections.
 * 26) * "meant that further mining projects were virtually abandoned." Can "meant" be substituted for anything else? Because "meant" is usually used for a statement or something that needs clarification, not an event or action. Perhaps "resulted" or something similar.
 * 27) * In the first paragraph of the "Description" section, the Peragus Mining Facility is mentioned twice, both times with different context. Please change.
 * 28) * "such as the Peragus Mining Facility, which contained a number of miners." The word "contained" makes it sound like the miners were being kept prisoner, or that they were somehow inactive.
 * 29) * "meaning that anyone wishing to visit such places as the Peragus Mining Facility..." See third objection.
 * 30) * Jedi Civil War, Galactic Republic, Telos IV, and Telosian Restoration Project need context. Mandalorian Wars somewhat has context, but it should be fixed up.
 * 31) ** Context still needed for the Republic and the restoration project. Also, the context for the Galactic Republic should appear with the first time it is mentioned; otherwise, it seems confusing if you mention something without context.  CC7567  (talk) 19:52, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *** It looks better, but try to mention the context in the same sentence, if possible.  CC7567  (talk) 07:19, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * "and miners such as Coorta advocated taking her to Nar Shaddaa to collect the bounty that criminal boss Goto had placed on Jedi." If the word "taking" can be changed to a noun instead of a subject verb, it would sound better.
 * 34) * "and died with the rest of the miners when the droid caused an emergency lockdown to seal off the hangar and keep Coorta from fleeing the Facility with the Exile. First of all, I changed "along" to "with". Also, this part of the sentence is a bit of a run-on; please change.
 * 35) * "Spaceworthy" should be changed to a clearer word.
 * 36) * "As they got to the ship from the docking bridge to the Harbinger, Sith assassins stalked them and Kreia had to duel Darth Sion to allow the others to escape to the hangar through the fuel line." The first part of the sentence goes from "to" to "from" and back to "to" again, which does not seem to make sense. Also, the word "stalked" is too colloquial; please change.
 * 37) * "either incapacitated or incarcerated": try not to speculate. If need be, state it in the "Behind the scenes" section.
 * 38) * For the "Locations" section: when you use "one of two points of interest", you don't mention the second one till a few paragraphs on. It's too big a gap; please change.
 * 39) * The second sentence of the Bts does not make sense; please take a look at it.
 * 40) *I'll take another look after these are addressed. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 03:43, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) **Fixed, but for your misunderstanding we discussed via the IRC. :) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  19:09, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) Attack of the Clone II
 * 43) *The article is looking good. A few of the objections above remain; please remind me if we covered them over IRC. Just a few more things:
 * 44) * "The assassin droid told the administrator that the Exile was a Jedi, meaning the administrator tried to have the Exile picked up by the Republic to stop miners such as Coorta demanding that she be taken to Nar Shaddaa, to collect the bounty crime lord Goto had placed on Jedi." Run-on, and also uses the word "meaning" in a confusing manner, as I mentioned before.
 * 45) ** The run-on has been fixed, but the "meaning" hasn't. "This meant that" does not change it, and is in fact synonymous to what it replaced. Please reword it. Also, a similar objection to this one remains from my first look; please check above.  CC7567  (talk) 07:19, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * "To allow the others to escape, Kreia dueled the Sith Lord Darth Sion." First of all, I fixed up the sentence a little. But why was Darth Sion there in the first place? Without mentioning Sion's purpose, it sounds like he was just randomly there.
 * 47) * CC7567  (talk) 19:52, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) **Done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  07:07, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) *** Please review my objections again; any objections that are not crossed out still remain.  CC7567  (talk) 07:19, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) **Alright, now addressed, although you seem to have missed me having closed the gap in the Locations section. :) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  07:30, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) ***Sorry for the delay; I forgot to look at the timestamps and was confused if you addressed the objections or not. A few still remain; please check the uncrossed ones above.  CC7567  (talk) 06:11, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) Good article nominations/Peragus II. Everything here needs to be handled. Graestan ( Talk ) 17:13, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) *I believe I have. Can you point out which one(s) you don't think I've addressed, please? -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  17:20, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * For obvious reasons, I'll refrain from voting until there's been some feedback. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  18:11, 31 March 2009 (UTC)

Mission to Rugosa

 * Nominated by: CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 07:19, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Was considering nominating a(nother) character, but instead did an event. (I think I may be reaching my limits for GANs...possibly.) &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 07:19, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

(1 ACs/2 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:37, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 18:21, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 02:29, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Eyrezer
 * 2) * Rugosa didn't join the Republic afterwards. It was a neutral moon. Toydaria did. Rugosa was not a moon of Toydaria either.
 * 3) **Whoops. Got that. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 17:34, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * The Episode guide should be added to the sources.
 * 5) **Done. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 17:34, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Did you watch the video commentary on the episode? It should add some Bts info, and should also be added to the source lists. --Eyrezer 08:04, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **Added it to the source lists, but unfortunately right now I don't have access to the website. I'll check it later when I do. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 17:34, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) **I just watched the commentary, and it didn't really add any Bts info, only for Rugosa and not the mission itself. I don't believe the info was relevant, so since the commentary didn't provide new info on the mission itself, I don't think it should be part of the sources. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 07:00, 2 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) From the Council Chambers (part one):
 * 10) * Before I even start to review, the article has far too much play-by-play commentary, particularly with regard to conversations. In numerous cases, entire conversations are paraphrased line by line, which is unnecessary. Just skip over these details and report the gist of the conversation. There are also a few action sequences suffering from the same problem. Please rewrite it without the play-by-play, and once that is done, then I will review it. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 22:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) **Addressed, hopefully. I kept some of the conversations which I believed to be more important.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) ***OK, what you did is fine. I will make a full review within the next couple of days. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 03:10, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) From the Council Chambers (part two):
 * 14) * I hate to say it, but I'd like to see some context on the Clone Wars in both the intro and body. Yes, most people know what the Clone Wars are, but think about someone new to Star Wars watching the films in order (1 to 6) who jumps on here right after watching TPM to get more info and then starts browsing. He or she would have no clue what the Clone Wars are, having only watched TPM, and therefore I feel a little context is necessary. Not much is needed, just enough to give a basic idea as to what they are.
 * 15) **Well...this has been in debate for a while. It's really just the participants that are required, if any, I believe; I can't think of what other context to put that wouldn't make it excessive. And it's already implied that the Republic and the Confederacy were the participants. I reworded the intro, but I left it how it was in the body. I mean, I know we can't really assume that the reader will know everything about Star Wars, but I don't believe that an excessive amount of context is needed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) ***Fair enough. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:37, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * "Yoda returned into the fray": Slightly awkward; suggest rewording.
 * 18) **Addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * "Avalanche" is used twice in one paragraph in the intro plus one additional time in the body&mdash;are there synonyms?
 * 20) **Addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * "secretly sent several droidekas to deal with the bothersome Jedi Master.": "Bothersome" sounds POV to me.
 * 22) **Removed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * "After observing several baby Neebray mantas, Yoda led the clones to the rendezvous point, stating that it was not polite to be late.": Are the neebray mantas really important? I don't think so. Reword or remove, please. The same goes for Yoda's statement, though I'm less sure about it than the mantas.
 * 24) **Removed the Neebrays part; the reason I kept Yoda's comment is because it's a bit more...comical, I guess, or playful. If you'd still like it removed, I'll go ahead and do so.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ***OK, I'll let it go, though someone else might object to it. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:37, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) *Otherwise, it looks good to my half-trained eye. :) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:08, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) **Well then, I thank your half-trained eye. :P  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) It needs to be mentioned somwhere why Ventress is there. She didn't just guess that there were going to be negotiatons happening on Rugosa at that exact time. How did she know?  Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 21:24, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) *I don't think it was specifically identified. I'll add a footnote, but it might be too speculative if I state that Ventress learned about it from Skytop Station.  CC7567  (talk) 21:38, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **True, although it was heavily implied by the comic dialogue. I thought I read it explicitly somewhere however I'll strike this until I find something. Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 01:18, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Senate hostage crisis

 * Nominated by: CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 04:40, 3 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Possibly going to go for an FA later, but at least half the article's length comes from the "Prelude" section. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 04:40, 3 April 2009 (UTC)

(2 ACs/3 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) Dark Lord Trayus 22:41, 4 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Pretty expansive.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 13:25, 5 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) The PIE is strong in this one. Kilson Likes PIE 04:37, 19 April 09 (UTC)
 * 4)  Graestan ( Talk ) 02:56, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 18:24, 10 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Graestan's preliminaries:
 * 2) * A conjecturally titled article should never begin like "the Senate hostage crisis was&hellip;" Please alleviate this by just diving into the intro and then bolding the word that best describes the topic of the article.
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * Unsourced items in the infobox.
 * 5) **Drat; missed those.
 * 6) * "Objective" field in the infobox is worded too vaguely.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) * The article looks like an image farm. Please cull a few.
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * Graestan ( Talk ) 22:56, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) **Thanks for the first look. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 00:14, 11 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) More before I dive in there:
 * 13) * Intro needs to be expanded significantly in terms of the event itself.
 * 14) **Addressed. (If it's actually too lengthy, please let me know.)
 * 15) * Speculative/OR statements abound. Please go over the article and see what may be a reach of the mind as opposed to reporting the facts. Especially look out for statements of the unknown.
 * 16) **Addressed (hopefully).
 * 17) * Context is still lacking in a few areas. I saw the word "Vigo" used quite out of the blue, for example. Please check the article over for similar instances.
 * 18) **Added where needed; I removed "Vigo" altogether, since it's not really relevant.
 * 19) * Certainly also some unnecessary info. I saw some reference to Kenobi that was entirely irrelevant. This is also something to check for.
 * 20) **Addressed.
 * 21) *Good luck with these, let me know when you're ready for my full review. Graestan ( Talk ) 04:57, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this, but I believe I'm ready. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 06:11, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) You didn't fix my IRC objection about the droids' origin.  Graestan ( Talk ) 03:52, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) *Which one was this? Sorry, I forgot...and I seem to have misplaced the chat log.  CC7567  (talk) 06:54, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **Nevermind...I think it was clearing up the "Bane's test" section, which I just did. If it wasn't that, please correct me.  CC7567  (talk) 07:16, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Kite

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 21:05, 12 April 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:You have to get him running before you do if you want him to fly. :-) Kilson Likes PIE 21:05, 12 April 09 (UTC)

(2 ACs/3 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) I just fixed a few grammar problems...nice article. Jonjedigrandmaster  Jedi symbol.svg ( Jedi beacon ) 00:59, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 05:16, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 21:18, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Per review below; just needed a little tweaking.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 21:36, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 01:23, 13 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Quick glance from the clone
 * 2) * "While Kite was talking to Nune on the bridge of the Laudable, the task force was attacked by the Malevolence, a Subjugator-class heavy cruiser equipped with two giant ion pulse cannons on each of its sides that could disable any starship's shields, and then destroy the exposed ship using its turbolaser batteries." It starts out fine, but the last part of the sentence is confusing, since you go off from Kite and Nune to completely focusing on the Malevolence.
 * 3) ** I meant for you to change the second part of the sentence. Leave the sentence, but cut it off after "starship's shields". You can then say how the Malevolence destroyed the Laudable itself, not saying how the Malevolence destroyed ships in general. Otherwise, it's a bit unclear.
 * 4) ***I reworded it myself. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 00:08, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) * "In 22 BBY, during the height of the war between the Galactic Republic and the Separatists, Kite, the nickname for a clone trooper commander in the Grand Army of the Republic, was assigned to the bridge of the Laudable. The Laudable was a Venator-class Star Destroyer that was part of Ares Nune's, a Phuii Jedi General, task force to patrol the Phu system for any Separatist activity." Saying that Kite was assigned to General Nune and was then dispatched to the Laudable would be preferable, because the way that the context is currently included breaks up the sentence flow.
 * 6) ** Please check this again; say in one sentence that Kite was assigned to General Nune. And then start a new sentence and say that Kite and Nune were onboard the Laudable. Also, there are other changes that should be made to this sentence, mentioned in my second look below.
 * 7) * Additionally, the first mention of Kite as a nickname in the body makes it sound like Kite was a nickname, instead of a real clone trooper. It sounds like it was simply a term coined during the war.
 * 8) ** I'm not sure if you addressed this, but this objection still remains. Since we already know Kite was the nickname of the guy, there's no need to say it twice. The first mention in the intro is enough.
 * 9) * "However, the Confederacy's new secret super weapon, the Subjugator-class heavy cruiser, the Malevolence, under the commander of General Grievous, the Cyborg Supreme Commander of the Separatist Droid Army, were hiding out of the sight of the Republic task force." Too many commas, too many pauses, and misplaced context breaks up the sentence flow here as well.
 * 10) ** Mentioning Grievous in one sentence and then providing context for him in the next doesn't seem to be working. Please change it so that Grievous is first mentioned with context (and there's a good sentence flow). Perhaps just take out "under command of General Grievous" and then include it in the next sentence, so that Grievous can be first mentioned with context.
 * 11) *That's all I noticed in a first look; I'll have to continue later when my body isn't screaming at me for sleep. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 07:29, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) **Thanks for the review, I addressed your objections. Also, the next time you're feeling tired, just eat some PIE, it'll wake you up in an instant. Kilson Likes PIE 18:42, 13 April 09 (UTC)
 * 13) Now that the clone is (more or less) conscious:
 * 14) * The objections above still remain; please look at them again and see if you can improve them.
 * 15) **My apologies, I did not fully understand your original objections. You can check now and see how they are.
 * 16) * The guy's name is "Kite", not "Commander Kite". It's not "Captain Rex" or "Commander Cody"; titles aren't part of the names themselves. I changed it.
 * 17) * How was Kite born? Did he just pop up as a clone trooper commander out of the blue? This needs to be mentioned in the body.
 * 18) **There is very little information about Kite other than what was given in "Shakedown". I would've said he was cloned and trained on Kamino, but I was hounded for something similar to this in my HOB-147 nom because I didn't know this for sure (it's currently fourth on the nom list if you want to take a look at the objections). All I know for certain is that Kite is a clone, from where, nobody knows.
 * 19) * "Kite...was assigned to Ares Nune, a Phuii Jedi General, aboard the bridge of the Laudable": So Kite was assigned to the bridge, and not the ship itself? Please change, and mention later that they were on the bridge [during the attack].
 * 20) * State the purpose of Nune's fleet before mentioning the Laudable (and that Nune and Kite were stationed aboard it).
 * 21) * "As Kite and Nune were finishing up their conversation": from this, it sounds like the conversation was extremely important (more than it should have been). Please reword and/or remove.
 * 22) **I was just trying to detail the attack as best I could. It's true that as soon as Kite and Nune finished their conversation, they were attacked by Grevious. I don't see how it makes the conversation any more important.
 * 23) * "...Grievous ordered the Malevolence to fire one of its two ion pulse cannons, which could disable the shields of any starship, at the Republic task force." Saying the effect of the ion cannons when it happens would sound better.
 * 24) *Just a note, since you changed it back: the correct spelling is "assigned", not "assinged". Also, since I missed it the first time, it's "Grievous", not "Grevious". In the future, I recommend pasting the article into Word and correcting the necessary spelling errors (since some Star Wars terms aren't recognized by the dictionary).
 * 25) * Since "deckplate" needs context (and including so would imply unnecessary importance), I would recommend changing it.
 * 26) * Continuity issues in the Bts. Shakedown was released, then the HoloNet News podcast, then "Rising Malevolence". To avoid confusion, if you can find another way to mention that the comic led into the episode while keeping continuity, it would be preferable.
 * 27) * CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 23:39, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) **I addressed the rest of the objections. Once again, I'm sorry for messing up the previous objections. I'm one of those guys that when I think things up in my head, it makes sense, but as soon as I put it down on the page, it doesn't. Yes, I know that doesn't make sense. Kilson 19:35, 15 April 09 (UTC)
 * 29) * I think it should be mentioned first that Kite was a clone, before saying where he was assigned. Other than that, the article is looking fine. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 00:08, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **It already does, "Kite, a clone trooper commander in the Grand Army of the Republic, was assigned to Ares Nune, a Phuii Jedi General. Nune was in charge of a Republic task force." Kilson Likes PIE 20:56, 15 April 09 (UTC)
 * 31) *** I mean saying "Kite was a clone trooper in the Grand Army of the Republic. In 22 BBY, he was assigned..." Sorry for not clarifying that. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 01:32, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ****How about now dude. Kilson Likes PIE 10:02, 15 April 09 (UTC)
 * 33) *****Looks fine. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 05:16, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) Lucius STRIKES!
 * 35) * ...during the height of the war between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independent Systems... Doesn't need that much context; Clone Wars is fine.
 * 36) * Just a continuity question: we know he was assigned the Laudable, but was he in command of it?
 * 37) **Yeah, you're right, we don't know for sure. I got rid of command in the sentence.
 * 38) * Star Destroyers don't exist yet, do they? They're all Venator (or Jedi Crusisers) I think.
 * 39) **Yes, Ventor-class Star Destroyers are the only ones at this time period. But I don't see a need to repeat Ventor-class in the last sentence in the first paragraph. I think the reader will understand what I'm saying.
 * 40) * However, a new Confederacy superweapon was hiding out of sight of the Republic task force, in the form of the Malevolence, a Subjugator-class heavy cruiser under the command of General Grievous, the Cyborg Supreme Commander of the Separatist's Droid Army. A run-on sentence.
 * 41) * If another image can be found, please insert it. (I may be able to help if you need any images from Shakedown.)
 * 42) **I think the main image is fine, but if you want to find a new image, I'll put it on there.
 * 43) ***You misunderstand. The main image is perfect, if you could find another for the bio, it would be great.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 21:14, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) ****I am sorry, but I can not find a better picture. If you can find one, I'll be gald to put it on the page. Kilson Likes PIE 01:24, 23 April 09 (UTC)
 * 45) *****These may help.
 * 46) ******Kite helmet.png
 * 47) ******Kite Nune death.png
 * 48) ******Kite Nune talking.png
 * 49) ****** &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 01:17, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) *******I chose the one where they are talking. Thanks for the help Lucius. :-) Kilson Likes PIE 02:27, 28 April 09 (UTC)
 * 51) ********Always a pleasure.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 21:36, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) *I'll pledge my support after the above are addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 12:18, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) **How about now Lucius? Kilson Likes PIE 19:15, 19 April 09 (UTC)
 * 54) Soresu
 * 55) * Context on the Clone Wars in the body.
 * 56) * Do we have a source that states that the Malevolence was a superweapon?. If not, I would suggest changing it. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:55, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) **Addressed both Kilson Likes PIE 18:53, 26 April 09 (UTC)
 * 58) Can you work into the body that Kite is a nickname, since this is currently intro exclusive information.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 04:05, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) *I put it in, thanks again for the review, dude. Kilson Likes PIE 01:20, 13 May 09 (UTC)

Comments

Vril Vrakth

 * Nominated by: Jinzler 11:26, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A Zabrak bounty hunter

(2 ACs/2 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 07:41, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 23:13, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 09:47, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  18:28, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 2) * " The skills he learned helped to keep him alive" What skills? Learned as a soldier? Clarify.
 * 3) **Clarified --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * "After he was almost killed by them on Almas" By who? Clarify.
 * 5) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:31, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Intro doesn't flow very well.
 * 7) **I have rewrote some of it so I hope this is a bit better. Can you specify anything that is wrong with it? --Jinzler 22:31, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * WP:LG: P&T comes before Equipment.
 * 9) **Moved --Jinzler 22:31, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Quotes for the first two biography sections?
 * 11) **The two quotes that I have included are the only two relevant to this article that exist --Jinzler 22:17, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) * "Shortages of food led to a series of violent settlement wars there for control of resources and Vrakth trained as a soldier, so that he could participate in the conflicts." Sentence doesn't flow very well.
 * 13) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * "Hundar was impressed by his skills" What skills?
 * 15) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) * " He would also assist Hundar by serving as his backup while he was chasing a bounty and he would cover escape roots or aide him in taking down dangerous targets." Split this sentence up to make it flow better.
 * 17) *First bio section (mostly the end of the first paragraph and the second paragraph) doesn't flow very well.
 * 18) **Fixed to the best of my ability, if there are still some problems with this, can you give me some specific examples?
 * 19) * "Following the end of the conflict, Vrakth began to work almost exclusively for the newly-formed Galactic Empire and in particular, he served Inquisitor Valin Draco." Sentence doesn't flow well.
 * 20) **Rewrote --Jinzler 22:42, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * Why would Organa's request for info on Nizon tip Vril off? Specify it.
 * 22) **I don't know, the source states that it did, it doesn't say why --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * "He also planned to kill Sartok, the leader of the Nizon resistance, a resistance group that opposed the Empire's control of Nizon." Uses the word resistance twice, a bit redundant.
 * 24) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * Quote for the P&T?
 * 26) **As I have stated above, there aren't any --Jinzler 22:17, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * Was Vrakth killed in the confrontation? Specify.
 * 28) **He isn't necessarily killed, as this depends on how the player chracters play it. I have already mentioned something on this in the BTS --Jinzler 22:42, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) *Nice BtS.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 03:34, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **Thanks --Jinzler 22:17, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) Soresu
 * 32) * he was able to capture the Rodian on his own this success to establish himself as a bounty hunter. Not making much sense to me.
 * 33) **Yeah, I screwed up. This has now been fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * Vrakth was hired by a local Republic governor Local to where? This occurs in both the intro and body.
 * 35) **I don't know, the source just states that it was a local Republic governor. This might be meant to refer to the governor's position within the structure of the Republic, by having control of a localised area. However, we can't know for sure, so theres not much I can do about this
 * 36) * After he was almost killed by them on Almas by a group of agents working for the Alderaanian Resistance, an anti-Imperial resistance group that was based on Alderaan, Draco sent Vrakth to capture them. Reword. Also, it's unclear who "he" is referring to.
 * 37) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * Context on the Resistance in the body.
 * 39) **Added --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * he used situations to their full advantage him. Doesn't make sense.
 * 41) **I have put in an example of this, to clarify things --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) Attack of the Clone I
 * 43) *These first two aren't objections, but just general things to think about in the future. It generally sounds like the word "so" is being used too much; I got most of them, but consider using different, less colloquial wording in the future.
 * 44) *I'm noticing that some sentences are rather choppy throughout the article, and could simply be merged with others. Since it's rather minor, I've fixed these as well, but please try to catch these in the future.
 * 45) * Okay, this is an objection: when introducing characters, using the word "called" implies that it was a nickname; you can simply state their name as "the Trandoshan *blahblah*" instead of stating what they were called unnecessarily.
 * 46) **Checked for and changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) * Also, please be careful about overusing indirect addresses such as "he" and "they"; I corrected some of them, but please do another check. It's confusing, especially right after long sentences when it could apply to anyone.
 * 48) **Checked for --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) * "Jeyrs Hundar, a bounty hunter who was passing through the world while chasing a bounty": using "bounty" twice is rather redundant; please try to reword.
 * 50) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) * "to hunt CIS generals": sounds a bit strange; hunt as in find or hunt as in find and kill? Either way, the wording doesn't sound appropriate; please change.
 * 52) **The source just says that he hunted them, it doesn't say how. I have changed it to hunted down --23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) * "After Draco was almost killed by them on Almas by a group of agents working for the Alderaanian Resistance": who is them, and what was Almas? Also, it sounds like two different groups killed him.
 * 54) **I think I screwed this up when I rewrote while I was addressing IFYLOFDs objections. It has been fixed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) * "he soon swapped careers": the way that "swapped" is being used right now is colloquial; if it were being used as Vrakth swapped careers with someone else, it would be fine, but since it's not being used this way, please change it.
 * 56) **Reworded --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) * "Vrakth traveled offworld with his new master, who began to train him." It's pretty much a given that Vrakth was beginning to be trained; please remove unless there's something specific that needs to be mentioned.
 * 58) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) * Use of the word "alternated" sounds like Vrakth had complete control and choice over what he learned; if this is the case, please be more specific, but if not, please change it.
 * 60) **alternated is the word used by the source, but I have changed it anyway --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) * I saw IFYLOFD's objection above about the governor, but I think it requires a footnote that it is not explicitly mentioned where the governor was located.
 * 62) **I disagree, as this seems a bit unnecessary, but I have added it anyway, coz you won't support this otherwise :) --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) ***Actually, looking back, it wasn't really necessary. :P You can remove it if you want to; I thought it would just be clearer that way.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * Right now, the fact that the Empire succeeded the Republic is exclusive to the intro; please change.
 * 65) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) * Again, context needed on Almas here in the body.
 * 67) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * "made a request to the Aldera University for information about the planet Nizon, Vrakth correctly assumed that that was where the Resistance team were going to go to." First off, the second part of the sentence needs to be reworded, particularly the use of "that that"; although it's grammatically correct, it's rather colloquial and awkward. "Assumption" can be changed to "theory" or something; the way it is right now makes it sound like Vrakth did it with no research, or that he didn't have the intent of doing anything after assuming it. Also, what did that "correct assumption" allow Zrakth to do?
 * 69) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) * What was the purpose of Vrakth asking people in the capital if they had seen recent newcomers? I know that it might be from the same mission mentioned earlier, but the article deterred to Vrakth's defense of his base, so it would be good to restate it.
 * 71) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) * "When the Nazren began to revolt against the Imperials, Vrakth rightly believed that the Alderaanian agents were behind it": the use of "rightly" sounds strange; please reword it to be specific.
 * 73) **I have changed rightly to correctly. I don't want to sound like an idiot, but what should it be specific to? --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) ***Specificity was needed because the word "rightly" could mean different things in this case. It could mean that Vrakth was correct, but could also mean that his belief was in accordance with justice or morals. Also, I changed "believed" to "deduced", because it gave me the sense that someone was manipulating Vrakth.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) * What was the "large bounty" for? What did the Empire want?
 * 76) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) ***It's still a bit unclear. I see why the Empire put out that particular bounty, but what exactly was it for? What did the Empire want to give a reward for? If it was already stated, it's a bit unclear.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) ****Clarified --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 79) * Coruscant needs context.
 * 80) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) * "fire the fastest" should be changed to something less colloquial, and so can "make the most of being there."
 * 82) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 83) * "like they did when he deployed them on Nizon": the word "like" is too colloquial, and this part of the sentence requires rewording.
 * 84) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) * "the actions of the player characters": please check this; "player characters" is unclear.
 * 86) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) * "If the players reply, then he swears his eternal hatred to them for killing Vrakth." Who swears this exactly?
 * 88) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 89) *I'll take another look after these are addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 00:23, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) **Thanks for your feedback, I guess that my writing style isn't the best --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) ***That doesn't mean that it can't be improved. :)  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) Attack of the Clone II
 * 93) * "Tricks of the bounty hunter trade": bit awkward and plays too much upon slang; please reword.
 * 94) **Reworded --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 95) * "and he planned to use it as an opportunity to capture them": "them" meaning the Alderaanian agents or the Nazren?
 * 96) **Clarified --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 97) * "Capitalize on" is a bit awkward wording; the way I learned it was that it's applied to usually take advantage of a situation that has already been laid out for you, or one that is really grim, not really one in which you have the choice yourself. As it is currently portrayed in the P&T, the situation doesn't seem to have a downside, and it looks like Vrakth was in control of what his actions were instead of being required to complete something.
 * 98) **Rephrased --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) ***"from being there" makes it sound like he was being paid to simply be there. I've changed it to "during his stay."  CC7567  (talk) 09:47, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) *Good work with the article's improvement.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 101) **Thanks for helping to improve it --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * I have delt with some of your objections IFYLOFD, I will do the rest somewhen in a few days time --Jinzler 22:42, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

Todd

 * Nominated by: QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 18:25, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: The unlimited POWAH in the flesh. Inspired by such projects as Max and Buick

(1 ACs/3 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) I hope he likes PIE. Kilson Likes PIE 19:20, 22 April 09 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 21:04, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  20:33, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 18:27, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) You need to expand the intro more. Just mention that he was incontrol of the characters you listed in the bio, and it should be good. Kilson Likes PIE 04:32, 21 April 09 (UTC)
 * 2) *Buffed the intro a little more. Should I make it any longer, it may as well replace the biography. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 19:13, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) **That's good enough, nice article. Kilson Likes PIE 19:20, 22 April 09 (UTC)
 * 4) Alright. Show time.
 * 5) * At an unknown time period, an all-out battle occurred between the fugitive Jedi Zayne Carrick, the Arkanian offshoot Jarael, the leader of the Mandalorians Mandalore the Ultimate and Mandalore's lackey, the Lord of Pain Darth Sion. - Perhaps that could be broken down somewhat; bit of a run on.
 * 6) * The Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader, the Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, the Snivvian con man Marn Hierogryph and the Gungan Jar Jar Binks were also present there, although Vader and Skywalker were busy dueling each other. - Same problem. I'd recommend stopping off first after the "present there" part, and perhaps starting the next part as a fresh sentence.
 * 7) **Reworded both.
 * 8) * Todd suddenly appeared in the midst of the battle and witnessed a fight between Carrick and Mandalore, commenting that Mandalore was intense. - Just why did he feel he was intense? Please explain. Also, where and why did he appear from, and how did he appear? Did he jump out of a bush? An unknown location would be better, were it specified.
 * 9) **This guy appears in one frame of a one-page comic. I'm afraid there is not much of an explanation of why he is there or where did he appear from. In the first couple of frames he is not present, then he just appears all of sudden. Expanded the Mandalore part though.
 * Ah, wasn't aware of that. Fair enough. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  19:48, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) * Todd's appearance was one of the factors that left Jar Jar confused. - Bit of explanation as to why it did that, please.
 * 2) **Hopefully clarified.
 * 3) *A light-skinned male with brown hair, Todd was dressed in what looked like a traditional brown Jedi robe. However, under the robe he wore a shirt with a picture of an individual of Yoda's species. - Perhaps you could go on to explain what this suggests P and T wise?
 * 4) **See below. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 09:50, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) *Per Kilson; introduction, please.
 * 6) **Intro expanded. See response to Kilson's objection. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 20:03, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * If you're listing his clothing, for instance, in the P and T, then perhaps a small equipment section can be gleaned, per the layout guide?
 * 8) **In response to this objection and the one about his clothing. I figured out that combining all this info into one paragraph was better than having multiple paragraphs containing one sentence each. And btw, a personality is not just what you do, but also what you wear and how you look. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 17:03, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) *Yes, I know. Point taken, however. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  19:48, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) *That's all, for now. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  13:48, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) Attack of the Clone
 * 12) * "However, Vader and Skywalker were busy dueling each other." The use of "however" implies that it had a direct effect on Todd, which it doesn't seem to right now. If it did, please be clearer.
 * 13) **Reworded.
 * 14) * "Carrick asked who Todd was": can this be rephrased to something less colloquial?
 * 15) **Rephrased.
 * 16) * "and claimed that everyone present there were his unwitting pawns": the word "everyone" is singular; please replace it.
 * 17) **Replaced.
 * 18) *"Todd's appearance was one of the factors that left Jar Jar confused, since Todd was not supposed to be there. Just as the others could not be at the same place since they all were from different time periods." A few things for these two sentences:
 * 19) ** I think "factors" can be removed; it's rather awkward phrasing.
 * 20) ** Why exactly was Todd "not supposed" to be there?
 * 21) ** Even though this article is non-canon, the second sentence is Out-of-Universe and makes it rather confusing. If it can be changed, please do so; if it needs to stay the way it is, please merge it with the first sentence.
 * 22) ***The sentences are merged/reworded.
 * 23) * "indicating that he was possibly a very powerful being": I know that this claim was more of an implication than a statement, but "possibly" sounds too speculative.
 * 24) **Reworded a bit. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 21:01, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) *Looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 03:19, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) From the Council Chambers:
 * 27) * How do we know that Todd's comment, "He's intense." refers to Mandalore? Looking at the ad myself, no explicit indication is given. The speech bubble is closer to Carrick than Mandalore, and the last being to speak is Sion, so he could be referring to anyone. Unless you have another source identifying who he is referring to, I feel the subject of his comment needs to be removed as speculation.
 * 28) **Fine, removed. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 09:50, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) * "Todd's sudden appearance was one of the causes of Binks's confusion,&hellip;": Binks is confused?!? That's breaking news (at least in this article). Can his confusion be mentioned before the discussion of the causes of it? It would flow a little better that way, even if it's still all in one sentence. (e.g. "Binks had become confused, and one cause of that was&hellip;")
 * 30) **Addressed, I guess. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 09:50, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) *Otherwise, good job. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 22:57, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * The 264 balancing on the edge words at the time of the nomination. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 18:25, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * After the copyedit I just did, the article is 298 according to Microsoft Word.  CC7567  (talk) 03:19, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 333 words now. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 09:50, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Zelka Forn

 * Nominated by: -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  15:54, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Doctor? Doctor Who?

(0 ACs/2 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 03:46, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Seems mostly fine now. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:08, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From the Council Chambers:
 * 2) * "After the destruction of the Galactic Republic, the main galactic government of the time, warship Endar Spire, individuals brought in several Republic soldiers who had been seriously wounded in the battle." Huh? Either something's missing or there's extraneous words here, because this doesn't make sense.
 * 3) * "Rakghoul this, rakghoul that": Rakghoul is inconsistently capitalized. Most notably, the term "[R]akghoul serum" is used at least once each way. I seem to possibly remember that Rakghoul should be capitalized, but I'm not sure if that is true or if my crazy brain is making stuff up. Which is correct?
 * 4) *I did a copyedit for you. Remember that the Ref template is only used in the infobox&mdash;you had it in the body, too, which I fixed. Otherwise, it's well-written and easily understandable for someone totally unfamiliar with that era. Good job. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 04:47, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) **Alright, done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  19:34, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Soresu
 * 7) * Benevolent is POV. Please remove.
 * 8) * Linking. Make sure everything is linked once in the intro and the body.
 * 9) * You begin too many sentences with Forn. Try using "he" instead.
 * 10) * Try not to use "grieved" twice.
 * 11) * After the destruction of the warship Endar Spire. Why and by whom was the Spire destroyed? Also, you haven't established where this event happened.
 * 12) * Despite the Sith government, the government that followed the Sith ideology, having an occupation of Taris, which could have seen him arrested and possibly shot, Forn agreed to heal the soldiers. He put a few of the soldiers in kolto tanks, healing medical tanks, in a back room of his facility. this doesn't flow very well. May I suggest something like Despite the fact that Taris was occupied by the Sith, which could have seen him arrested and possibly shot, Forn agreed to heal the soldiers, putting them in kolto tanks in a back room of his facility.
 * 13) * In the intro, you say that Revan killed a patrol to obtain the serum, but in the body, you say he found a corpse. Which is correct?
 * 14) * How did Revan discover the soldiers if they were in a back room? IIRC, he convinced Forn to show him the soldiers. you should probably add that some of them had already died.
 * 15) * Bts expansion. You need to add info about his appearance in KotOR as an NPC, his entry in the CSWE, whether it is possible to finish the game without doing the quest, and how he reacts if you give the serum to someone else.
 * 16) * The bts is too trivia-ish at the moment.
 * 17) * Is it actually essential to the plot that you meet Zelka? Can you actually finish the game without going into the medical facility? If so, then it would be unconfirmed as to whether Revan met him, and an extra bts note would be required. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:59, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Fixed, although no, Revan looked in the back room. I don't recall any sort of way for Zelka to agree to show him. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:47, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) Soresu's second look
 * 20) * There are some previous objections you haven't taken care of. In future, put a message after each objection, to alert the objector to the fact that they are all done, and so that if there are any issues, they can continue the discussion. In this case, to keep it organised, I'll strike all the old ones and reiterate any that are still not addressed.
 * 21) * You begin too many sentences with Forn. Try using "he" instead.
 * 22) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * How did Revan discover the soldiers if they were in a back room? IIRC, he convinced Forn to show him the soldiers. you should probably add that some of them had already died.
 * 24) **I don't recall any sort of way for Zelka to agree to show him.
 * 25) ***I'm pretty sure that you can persuade Forn into believing that you are a friend of the Republic. He then opens the door. The other way is to bash through the door of course. Instead of just saying he discovered them, you need to elaborate on how. One of these outcomes will have to be expanded upon in the body, while the other will have to go to the bts.
 * 26) ****Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * After Revan discovers the soldiers, he and Forn have a short converstion, the details of which should be added into the article.
 * 28) * Bts expansion. You need to add info about his appearance in KotOR as an NPC, his entry in the CSWE, whether it is possible to finish the game without doing the quest, and how he reacts if you give the serum to someone else.
 * 29) **You haven't added anything about the CSWE entry or his reaction of you give the serum to someone else.
 * 30) ***Okay. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) * Is it actually essential to the plot that you meet Zelka? Can you actually finish the game without going into the medical facility? If so, then it would be unconfirmed as to whether Revan met him, and an extra bts note would be required.
 * 32) **That was added in before hand; oddly, however, the article includes content however isn't showing anything beneath the first paragraph of the BtS. I'll talk to staff about that. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * The bts is too trivia-ish at the moment.
 * 34) ** I didn't mean for you to delete that info, I was merely saying that it looked a bunch of facts in a list. The info should be restored and integrated into larger, more orgainsed paragraphs.
 * 35) ***Not deleted. Same problem. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * This page currently is not categorised. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:02, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) **It is categorized, but the categories are in the section not showing. By the time you're reading this, they should be fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) *Hm. Odd. Seems fine now. Alright, done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:38, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) **I'll vote as soon as an AC review comes in. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:12, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) Graestan the Merciless:
 * 41) *Last names after first mention, please.
 * 42) **What do you mean? -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) *I'm pretty sure things like "the South" when referring to the Upper City can be dismissed as game mechanics.
 * 44) **Addressed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) *"amnesiac Jedi Knight" doesn't quite cut it when referring to Revan. At the time, he was pretty much nothing in terms of being a Force user; I'd almost prefer that his Force sensitivity is left completely out.
 * 46) **Mhm. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) *"presumably killed" is speculation. Only say what is known.
 * 48) **Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) *Taris has a "main city?" I thought Taris was a city.
 * 50) **Sorted. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) *Again, something like "no known family members" is out-of-universe and speculation.
 * 52) **Removed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) *Linking needs to be more thorough.
 * 54) **Hm. Could you point out generally where, please? -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) *Rakghoul disease needs context in the bio.
 * 56) **Done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) *Second paragraph of the bio needs to be broken up; it's a mishmash of not-yet-converged storylines.
 * 58) **Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) *How Shan was on Taris should be provided.
 * 60) **Provided. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) *"Which option Revan took was unknown, as neither results in a change of alignment. The nature of the conversation afterwards, unless Revan threatened Zelka, was such that it did not change the plot nor the character's alignment, therefore it's undetermined if Revan ever discovered the soldiers." – This is all pretty unnecessary. You can sum it up by stating that later sources which canonized the light-side path don't mention Forn or the medical facility.
 * 62) **Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) *What exactly is meant by "one thousand and fifteen hundred credits?"
 * 64) **Whoops, addressed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) * Graestan ( Talk ) 17:14, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 67) *City of Taris? Do you mean the planet?
 * 68) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 69) *Sith government? Was it really a government? Better wording could be used here.
 * 70) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) *Give more information on the rakghoul disease in the bio.
 * 72) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) *Give more info on Revan and the circumstances of his amnesia.
 * 74) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) *Quote for the P&T?
 * 76) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:43, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) Attack of the Clone
 * 78) * "In his standing and position as a doctor": redundant; choose one or the other.
 * 79) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) * "Forn would not refuse help to anyone, regardless of their homeworld, species, political affiliation, personality, or even if he hated them on a personal level": the last one stands out with the lack of a noun; please reword.
 * 81) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) * "medically help or assist": I reworded it to this, but "help" and "assist" are redundant, and "medically" also makes the wording awkward.
 * 83) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) * "and individuals brought in several Republic soldiers": unclear; what were the individuals' affiliation?
 * 85) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) * "even with the possibility of being arrested or even shot": unclear as to who he would be punished by, and the wording is a bit awkward as well.
 * 87) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) * Awkward wording that Forn was upset about the plague; try to word to something clearer.
 * 89) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) * "Revan arrived at Forn's facility and convinced him to show them the Republic soldiers, by declaring their loyalty to the Republic." Revan convinced Forn to show who the soldiers?
 * 91) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) * What information did Revan agree not to disclose?
 * 93) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) * "Although Forn was originally fearful that Revan would betray him, Revan proved him wrong." Sounds strange never mentioning this before; try to move it up. If it happens here, please make it clearer.
 * 95) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 96) *Why was Revan's alliance with the Republic a problem for Forn and/or his decision?
 * 97) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) ***Please check this again. Do you meant, "Allied with the Sith as he was, Revan was in favor of Forn’s choice."? Forn's choice was in favor of the Republic, and this wording makes it sound like Revan was allied with the Sith. Please clear this up.  CC7567  (talk) 07:39, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) * "Revan refused, however, believing Forn needed them more than he and his companions did." Please replace "them" with something more specific.
 * 100) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 101) * "even if they were an off-worlder, alien, or even if he hated them": same issue with the different elements not matching; please try to reword.
 * 102) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 103) * "Forn considered Revan's spirit very noble": builds too much off of each other using "spirit".
 * 104) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 105) * "for its work on making a Rakghoul serum before it was taken by the Sith": awkward wording.
 * 106) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 107) * "the light side choices are those chosen canonically": do you mean that "the light side choices are canonical"?
 * 108) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) * "Although canon dictates that the most light side choices would have to be taken": bit unclear; please check and/or clarify.
 * 110) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 111) * Are dark side points bad? It sounds like it from the use of "however"; please check.
 * 112) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 113) * CC7567  (talk) 18:42, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * For obvious reasons, I'll withhold my vote until some feedback comes. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  15:54, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * You're not meant to vote for your own noms. We got rid of that in the GA system revamp. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 04:28, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Vote to remove nomination (AC only)

 * 1) Only one unaddressed objection remaining, yes, but one that's been sitting here for over three weeks. This isn't getting a lot of activity, and unless there's something done soon, it needs to go.  CC7567  (talk) 02:35, 25 May 2009 (UTC)

Confrontation in the Caverns of the Hidden One

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 01:15, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My WP:LE nom number 3

(2 ACs/3 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) Nice. Keep up the good work! SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 11:56, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:11, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Assuming that the article will be renamed soon.  CC7567  (talk) 18:42, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:02, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:24, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Objections time.
 * 2) * First off, I don't like the way you use, in the introduction: "the duel was". Please change "the duel" to "the Duel in the Caverns of the Hidden One. The article's title should be the first mentioned name of the article.
 * 3) **It's conjecturally titled, so until it is specifically named in a source&mdash;and it was not named in Outcast&mdash;I can't put the name in the intro or body.
 * 4) * Context on the Baran Do.
 * 5) **Added.
 * 6) * "decided that it was time for him to die" - It's not immediately obvious who "him" is.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) * "Ziil struck Luke and Ben as paranoid and corrupt," - It'd be better if you could change "struck" to something else, to make it more clear.
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * More context on Ithia in the second entitled "Ben and Saal", please.
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * "Luke gathered all of the Hidden Ones into the throne chamber" - What throne chamber? Specify, please.
 * 13) **Addressed.
 * 14) * "Luke, of course, had no intention of doing so. Instead, he explained his theory to the Hidden Ones, and went on to suggest that Ben, who was barely a Jedi Knight, should duel the Hidden Ones' best fighter and newest addition, the senior combat instructor Charsae Saal, now known as Chara" - Break down into two sentences, please. Currently, it's a run on.
 * 15) **I couldn't find a good place to break this up, so I removed superfluous information that had been stated earlier.
 * 16) * "But then Ben got a blow in on Chara's head," - Could this be reworded? It doesn't sound particularly good as it is.
 * 17) **Addressed.
 * 18) * "and the Kel Dor went down." - "Went down" sounds rather colloquial. Fell down or something, perhaps?
 * 19) **Addressed.
 * 20) * "Finally pushed over the edge" - Whoa, whoa whoa. So we go from Ziil condemning them to be left without oxygen to die to him being incensed and attacking them? What caused this? Elaborate, please.
 * 21) **Addressed.
 * 22) * What happened to Ziil in the end? Please add in.
 * 23) **What happened to Ziil after the duel is unknown.
 * 24) *Not too bad so far. :) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  20:03, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 21:05, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) Soresu
 * 27) * You say multiple times that the Hidden Ones were "freed". This is not really the case since they were there by voluntary choice. Try using something else. Other than that, you've done a great job with this article. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:29, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) **Addressed. Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:13, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) Soresu again
 * 30) * Graestan made a similar objection for your Raid GA. You need to source the "Previous" section of the infobox, and hence everything else as well.
 * 31) **But this time the event is from the same source: Outcast. Do I still have to source it? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 16:28, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ***Ah, I see. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:00, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) Attack of the Clone
 * 34) *Not an objection, but a note for the future: try to avoid getting too dash-happy. Sometimes dashes just break up the sentence flow more (even though they're intended to do the opposite), and commas will suffice in their place.
 * 35) **Noted, thanks for the advice.
 * 36) * I'm unsure if this is the best thing to do, but since there seem to be two duels, can the subsection of "The duel" be renamed? I know the "stick fight" between Ben and Saal wasn't really a duel persay, but it seems to have equal value. Also, could the article itself be renamed? It's already conjecturally titled, and I don't think brainstorming a better name (that encompasses both duels) will hurt.
 * 37) **Ok, I have a couple ideas, and I wanted to get your input before I actually move the page. "Battle in the Caverns of the Hidden One", "Confrontation in the Caverns of the Hidden One", "Skirmish in the Caverns of the Hidden One". Do you have any further ideas?
 * 38) ***Battle is too major; I think "confrontation" might work. However, you might want to get others' opinions before going ahead with this, especially that of an AC or such.  CC7567  (talk) 12:17, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) ****Jon, just to let you know, I'm casting my vote right now. This is the only one remaining, and I'll strike it when it is fixed.  CC7567  (talk) 18:42, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) *****Sure thing. I've contacted an AC, and I'm waiting to hear back. I'll change it once I have. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:53, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) ******Ok, it's been changed. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 01:33, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * In the intro, instead of stating that the duel took place in the throne room of the Caverns of the Hidden One, can it just be mentioned where it chronologically takes place in the intro?
 * 43) **Addressed.
 * 44) * "where they were allowed to speak with Ziil, who was now known only as the Hidden One": Ziil was never mentioned before except as a participant of the duel, so using "now" isn't appropriate; please clear this up.
 * 45) **Addressed.
 * 46) *** Still remains; please check again. It needs to be chronologically structured instead of being mentioned out of the blue; right now there isn't a reason why Ziil was now known as the Hidden One. Both the intro and the body need a slight mention of Ziil's recent ascent to the Hidden One.  CC7567  (talk) 12:17, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) ****I changed around the order a little bit, is this better? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 15:34, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) * Context needed for Coruscant.
 * 49) **Added.
 * 50) * "They hoped to talk with Koro Ziil&mdash;the Master of the Order who had briefly trained former Jedi Knight Jacen Solo during Solo's travels after the Yuuzhan Vong War&mdash;in order to find out why Solo had fallen to the dark side of the Force and become a Sith Lord." Dashes break up the sentence flow and should be removed, and the sentence will need rewording. Maybe say, "They hoped to talk with Koro Ziil, the Master of the Order; Ziil had briefly trained former Jedi Knight Jacen Solo...in order to find out why Solo had fallen to the dark side of the force."
 * 51) **Better?
 * 52) * In the body, it's unclear why the Skywalkers went to the Sages; the organization needs to be mentioned in relation to Ziil.
 * 53) **Better?
 * 54) * Since it's mentioned that Luke was not convinced that Saal died, can you briefly say why?
 * 55) **Addressed.
 * 56) * "Luke decided to prove to them that every minute they stayed down in the caverns their power was weakening." First of all, I changed the "he" to "Luke." Second, can you make this clearer? I get the gist of what you're saying, but rather than being an embellishment, the mention of the Sages' time in the caves sounds like it was the cause of their weakening power.
 * 57) **Is this better?
 * 58) * "When his former apprentice, Chara, admitted that he believed that the Skywalkers could be right" I edited the sentence a little bit, but this is the first time that Chara is mentioned as Ziil's former apprentice. Can this be moved up?
 * 59) **Addressed.
 * 60) * "and Ithia told Ziil that maybe the Hidden Ones&mdash;the "experiment"&mdash;had failed.": "maybe" can be changed to something less colloquial, and this part of the sentence needs rewording to make it clearer overall.
 * 61) **Addressed.
 * 62) * "As Luke got up and began moving slowly towards Ziil, holding back the flow of lightning, the other Hidden Ones were evacuating the throne chamber with Ben, who was directing them out a blast door." The way "evacuating" is used makes it sound as if the Hidden Ones were evacuating others, not themselves. Also, it's unclear if Luke continued to deflect the Force lightning even when he hit the pillar, or if he was forced to let it go.
 * 63) **Better?
 * 64) *** Actually, can it be stated why they were fleeing?  CC7567  (talk) 12:17, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) ****Good idea. Added. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 15:34, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) ***** Please check again; this looks like it still remains.  CC7567  (talk) 17:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 67) ******Sorry, I was in a bit of a rush and missed the "why". Is this better? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:19, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * "broke free" doesn't seem to be appropriate for the situation; please change.
 * 69) **Changed.
 * 70) * "as well" seems unclear where it is used; it sounds like they turned against him here and didn't earlier when they were trying to escape. If it is already stated how it is, please make it clearer.
 * 71) **Removed.
 * 72) * When the Hidden Ones return to the surface, it's unclear as to whether Ziil went with them or remained.
 * 73) **That's unknown as of now.
 * 74) *Keep up the good work from Outcast.  CC7567  (talk) 04:29, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) **Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:06, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 76) Sorry for the post-vote objection, but could you rename the sections "The duels", "Ben and Saal" and "Luke and Ziil"? I've already changed "The duels" to "History", but you could try incorporating the purpose of what they were trying to do, respectively; i.e. "Obtaining proof" or something for "Ben and Saal", and a different creative title for "Luke and Ziil".  CC7567  (talk) 04:03, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) *Addressed; feel free to change them as you see fit. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:28, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 79) * Give a little more context on Luke's exile.
 * 80) **Addressed.
 * 81) *...That's it. Well done.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:29, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) **Thanks. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 03:52, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Combined Clans Center Building

 * Nominated by: —Xwing328 (Talk) 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Re-nomination after addressing the concerns from before, plus significant expansion.

(2 ACs/5 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) &mdash;Silly Dan (talk) 02:05, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) I know I put you through a lot, nice article. Kilson Likes PIE 20:12, 04 May 09 (UtC)
 * 3) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:09, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Under the pretense that my remaining objection will be fixed soon.  CC7567  (talk) 01:56, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 22:52, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:26, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:53, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From the Council Chambers:
 * 2) * Context on the Combined Clans and the Caamas Document Crisis is needed in the intro and body.
 * 3) **Added. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***You missed the Caamas Document Crisis intro context. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 23:28, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****How's it look now? —Xwing328 (Talk) 00:33, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *****It's good now. Nice job. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:09, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * "the center was unintentionally host to a devastating riot": "Unintentionally" is unnecessary, methinks. Since when did a building (i.e. an inanimate object) ever intentionally host a riot? ;)
 * 8) **Removed. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * "Security for the building included—but was not necessarily limited to—": The second part of that sounds just a little bit too much like the whole "unknown" thing and probably should be removed. (It's also legalese, but that's off topic.) "Include", by definition, leaves open the possibility that the following list may be incomplete, and in fact some writers insist that it should only be used when followed by an incomplete list (but don't tell a lawyer that). See the usage note halfway down the page here.
 * 10) **I actually agree, I'm not sure why I put that in there in the first place. I'll probably get the rest of these once I "contextify" everything. Thanks for the review! —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "Councilor Leia Organa Solo and her husband Han Solo were inadvertently visiting the building at the same time in an attempt to exam the Combined Clans' financial records.": They were in the building intentionally (i.e. to examine the financial records), so "inadvertently" doesn't make sense in that context. Reword, please (perhaps "''By coincidence,&hellip;").
 * 12) **Corrected. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) *Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 23:11, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) Kilson's problems
 * 15) * In the BtS, you should give the exact year the novel was released instead of saying the late '90s. Just to be more accurate.
 * 16) **"late 1990's" because the duology was spread out over two years, but I added it after the book like other writings often due. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * In the history, you mention that two Leresai were killed by the sniper. Why is this important, what do Leresais have to do with the building or the riot?
 * 18) **They have nothing to do with it other than they were at the riot and were killed. It's some of the only info actually provided about it. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * At the end of the history section, you say the entire first floor of the building was destroyed, why, how? You need to explain this also.
 * 20) **Explained as best I can. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * Why are the Imperials now instigating riots (this goes along with context on the Caamas Document Crisis that Manster Jonathan asked for), why is this Drend Nevatt dude there shooting up the place? Context need here too.
 * 22) **Answered and contextified. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * You mention that Senator Orou'cya in a quote asking Leia for help, but you don't mention this in the history section.
 * 24) **Missed this one first time around. Good now, I think. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:58, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * You don't have any information in the history section about the building before or after 19 ABY. If any exists, you should put it in there.
 * 26) **None exists. Please keep objections within the rules laid out at the top of this page. Graestan ( Talk ) 15:24, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) *I don't want to sound nasty or anything, especially after all the help you gave me in the Hoth nom, but you need a lot more information about the Clan Building. After you address these, I'll re-review. Kilson Likes PIE 00:01, 29 April 09 (UTC)
 * 28) **That's out of line. You're not even on one of the article review panels; please be more respectful. Graestan ( Talk ) 15:25, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) ***Really, I don't want to sound mean, and I mean no disrespect to Xwing, but the article is lacking in information. It's true, I am not an Agricorps member, and I might be compeletly wrong on this, but I think the article needs more context to what exactly happened during this riot. Kilson Likes PIE 19:15, 29 April 09 (UTC)
 * 30) ****I will try to add what little left there is, including some context, but like Graestan has said, the author just didn't provide much more. PS: since final projects are due this weekend, it might be a few days before I get back to it. I can leave you a message when to check it. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) One question from Dan
 * 32) * Was it a three-story building, or a building with at least three floors? The article currently implies that it's a three-story building, but I somehow suspect it's not specified in the book (which is currently boxed, or I'd check myself.) &mdash;Silly Dan (talk) 20:50, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) **Yes, it's three floors. Aside from the part stating the atrium having three floors and then describing the staircases connecting the floors, it talks about people on the first floor during the riot, and those escaping to the "upper two floors," hence three. And then Han is stated to be on the third-floor balcony, later referred to as the top. Now, since the atrium is only the first third of the building, the rest of the building could theoretically be taller. I know you didn't need all that info, just explaining. And I've reworded it to hopefully reflect this better. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) **OK, makes sense. Thanks! &mdash;Silly Dan (talk) 02:05, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 36) * Tell us what the Combined Clans are in the intro.
 * 37) **Done. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * Context on the Caamas Document Crisis.
 * 39) **Done. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * "Councilor Leia Organa Solo" Councilor for what?
 * 41) **Added. You want this specific but you guys don't like mentioning two Leresai? —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * Does it matter that two Leresai were killed?
 * 43) **Yes, added context. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 19:46, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) Attack of the Clone
 * 46) * "During the 19 ABY Caamas Document Crisis&mdash;brought about by the discovery of a document that implicated the involvement of Bothans in the destruction of Caamas&mdash;the center was host to a devastating riot incited by Imperials just prior to the Second Battle of Bothawui." First of all, I did some rewording for this sentence. However, the context for the crisis is rather windy, and even with dashes, it derives from the sentence flow. Can it be compacted/smoothed out in any way?
 * 47) * "An ornamental stairway ran between the first two floors, yet only a standard stairway connected the top two floors." Use of the word "yet" doesn't seem to be appropriate for a description of the building itself, unless it's extremely awe-worthy or extremely contrasting.
 * 48) **It is contrasting (ornamental vs. ordinary), hence the use of the word. I'll go for something less extreme like "while," if it appeases you. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) ***Nah, that's fine.  CC7567  (talk) 01:56, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) * "representative to Bothawui": I was going to change it to "of Bothawui", but I wasn't really sure if that's what you meant. Also, it should be made clearer about where Fey'lya represented Bothawui.
 * 51) **Added what he represented. Also, "representative to" and "representative of" are essentially interchangeable in the English language. If it really bugs you, we can change it, too. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) * "Concurrent with the arrival of Leia Organa Solo and her husband Han Solo at the Combined Clans Center Building in order to look into the Bothan financial records": the use of "concurrent" isn't really appropriate here, since the following details about the Solos' mission are admittedly rather lengthy. Even with rewording of the sentence itself, I think the Solos' mission needs to be stated differently from their arrival.
 * 53) **Yup, fixed. —Xwing328 (Talk) 02:28, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) * "another species whose government adamantly demanded sanctions against the Bothans": it sounds like the Leresai also had a government that demanded sanctions against the Bothans; I know that you're saying that they were simply another species, but it needs to be reworded for clarity.
 * 55) **Actually, this one goes both ways, as they are simply another species, but they are also now one of several species demanding sanctions. But I changed "another" to "a" to eliminate unnecessary confusion. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 56) * "Calm" is a noun, but it's not a state itself; "calm" can't really be appealed for. Please change to another word.
 * 57) **I respectfully disagree with you on this as well, and I hope you reconsider. Calm can be asked or appealed for, and it is in fact a quite common phrase to "appeal for calm". Not that the web is always reliable, but Google it if you still disagree. As you can see, quite a few news agencies even use this phrase. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * "Bothan guards fired shots into the crowd that ended in the destruction of the entire first floor": the use of "ended" makes it sound like the action abruptly stopped altogether; if this is the case, please make it clearer, but if not, please rephrase.
 * 59) **Would "resulted" be a better word choice? If so, done. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) * CC7567  (talk) 05:01, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Onnelly Praji

 * Nominated by: Thefourdotelipsis 02:45, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A cloth-eared bint if ever there was one.

(2 ACs/3 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 05:02, 02 May 09 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 21:45, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:02, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:31, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 13:13, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * I found it a bit strange that Tannon Praji was introduced in the intro as Maree's husband; I mean, it's normally a given that they were married. In any case, it's currently exclusive to the intro.
 * 3) **I cut Maree out of the intro.
 * 4) * Byss needs context in the intro.
 * 5) **Already there, I mention that it's Palpatine's private retreat.
 * 6) ***Could you check this again? It doesn't look like anything changed for Byss in the intro; it currently says nothing except that the Emerald Speldor Estates were on it.
 * 7) ****The context is a few sentences later. Thefourdotelipsis 21:43, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "Sonta, actually the Jedi Drake Lo'gaan": rather awkward; please change to "who was actually the Jedi Drake Lo'gaan" or something similar.
 * 9) **Fixed.
 * 10) * "as he was not making any sense to her" needs to be reworded, as does "Sonta put it bluntly"; both are rather grammatically awkward.
 * 11) **Tweaked.
 * 12) ***Could you check the first one again? "Not making any sense" is usually impersonal; it's usually "it doesn't make sense," not necessarily "not making sense to a person." Please try to reword.  CC7567  (talk) 19:00, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) ****Tweaked again. Thefourdotelipsis 21:43, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * Who was "the boy" who "was in fact a Jedi"? Bit unclear.
 * 15) **Well, I've only called one person "the boy" up to this point.
 * 16) * "and was not acting undercover" sounds unclear; do you mean he was now acting undercover? If not, please clear this up.
 * 17) **This has already been tweaked.
 * 18) * Please check your use of the word "debark"; I think you mean "depart".
 * 19) **I do indeed. Fixed.
 * 20) * "She was reliant on her father's ability to buy her what she wanted." Please reword this; it sounds a bit awkward as well.
 * 21) **Tweaked.
 * 22) * In the Bts, "established" is used twice; can one be changed?
 * 23) **Yes. Tweaked.
 * 24) * CC7567  (talk) 03:04, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 09:23, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 27) * In the intro: Tell why they were being relocated.
 * 28) **Fixed.
 * 29) * Give some context on Lo'gaan in the intro: such as he survived the Purge.
 * 30) **I've mentioned that he's a fugitive.
 * 31) * Tell what the Ministry of Ingress is.
 * 32) **Done.
 * 33) * "The boy obliged, and began carrying all the bags by himself at once." Is the part about the bags necessary?
 * 34) **Yes, it shows that a random stranger went through an extraneous amount of work for her.
 * 35) * Underlinking throughout the bio.
 * 36) **Could you cite specific examples?
 * 37) * "One of the stormtroopers observed that Lo'gaan had survived the jump—Tremayne was not surprised." Does it matter to the article whether Tremayne was surprised?
 * 38) **I've added a bit to the end there.
 * 39) * The P&T quote is really more relevant to Lo'gaan than to Onnelly.
 * 40) **It's gone.
 * 41) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:49, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 22:40, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) From the Council Chambers:
 * 44) *Context needed on COMPNOR and the Sub-Adult Group in both intro and body.
 * 45) *Context on the Clone Wars.
 * 46) *"One of the stormtroopers observed that Lo'gaan had survived the jump&mdash;Tremayne was not surprised, and he left the room promptly." This whole sentence seem irrelevant to Onnelly; consider removing.
 * 47) *Good job. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 00:19, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Defender (Venator-class)

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 08:00, 3 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:Apparently Anakin got tired of blowing up droid control ships from the inside, so he decided to stab one with a freaking Star Destroyer.

(1 ACs/3 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) Per pre-nom review.  CC7567  (talk) 06:07, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 19:51, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Per review below.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  01:23, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:47, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master
 * 2) * Intro: you mention Tuuk's "lead ship". Please use something less awkward here, like "command ship", or something similar.
 * 3) * Intro and First Assault: you link to the Grand Army of the Republic navy, but never to the actual Republic Navy itself. Please rearrange some of the links so that you connect directly to the Republic Navy.
 * 4) * Second Assault: you say "Skywalker opened a hololink", but in the episode, it doesn't appear to be a holo&mdash;it's a screen like the one used early in TPM. Is there any technical word for what he used? (If not, this isn't a big deal, and don't worry about it.)
 * 5) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jedi beacon ) 13:17, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) **I don't think there is a technical term for what they were using to communicate, so to be honest, I don't really know what to use. I addressed the other two objections though. Kilson Likes PIE 18:57, 2 May 09 (UTC)
 * 7) ***That's ok; I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else to use there. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 19:51, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Lucius finds his way in a Star Destroyer... Scary
 * 9) *Good job. Here are just a few things.
 * 10) * Just a minor note: you should probably create a redirect like "The Defender (Venator-class)" and others, if you deem it necessary.
 * 11) **I don't really think it's that necessary, however, if someone else agrees with you, then I'll create one or two.
 * 12) * The Clone Wars needs context in the intro. (I guess it does need it, CC.)
 * 13) **I fixed up the grammar here.
 * 14) * ...under command of the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk. Should be "which was under..."
 * 15) * ...and put the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk in charge of the fleet. Sounds rather clumsy.
 * 16) **Should change to placed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:09, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) ***Addressed
 * 18) * I recommend switching the head quote with the second assault quote. The current second assault quote is better for a header, as it is a good, descriptive quote and briefly tells the ship's history, while the current header would be better for the second assault section.
 * 19) * In between "complete scan of the Defender" and "discovered", there should be a context clue stating that Mar Tuuk and his crew discovered Anakin.
 * 20) **I didn't put it exactly where you want it, but I think it sounds good.
 * 21) * An error in... It should be stated that it is an animation error, or whatever kind of error it is.
 * 22) * Mauser is correct; TCSWE was published before Storm Over Ryloth.
 * 23) **Sorry, I did not know that, I fixed it.
 * 24) *Lucius malfoy7 23:11, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **I addressed your objections, thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 21:37, 5 May 09 (UTC)
 * 26) Soresu's first look
 * 27) * Doesn't conform with the new starship LG.
 * 28) * Around 22 BBY, the planet of Ryloth was seized by the Separatists, and a large Confederate fleet was placed over the planet to blockade it, which was under the command of the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk. You can't be commanding a verb. I would suggest Around 22 BBY, the planet of Ryloth was seized by the Separatists, and a large Confederate fleet, under the command of the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk, was placed over the planet to blockade it.
 * 29) * "Under command of" is too repetitive in the intro. Also, I think under the command of sounds better and is more correct. Please go through the article and change all cases.
 * 30) * However, she disobeyed orders, thinking she could reach Tuuk's Lucrehulk flagship and destroy it, and the Defender and the other two Star Destroyers were heavily damaged by Vulture droid suicide attacks without the cover. Split the sentence and use something other than "cover", since it's already in the sentence before it.
 * 31) * Eventually, after losing most of her squadron, Tano returned to the Republic task force, the Defender and the Resolute were able to retreat to hyperspace, but the Redeemer had taken too damage and broke apart in space. Reword.
 * 32) * At first, Tuuk believed the Jedi's lie, but after a complete scan of the Defender discovered that Anakin was the only life-form aboard, Tuuk uncovered Skywalker's deception. Reword.
 * 33) * The Resolute arrived out of hyperspace to engage what remained of the Confederate blockade, and Tano's forces were able to defeat the remaining frigates. Remaining is repetitive.
 * 34) **How about now dude. Kilson Likes PIE 22:00, 07 May 09 (UTC)

Comments
 * Wasn't TCSWE published before Storm Over Ryloth first aired?  Mauser  Comlink 12:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * I believe so; I corrected it.  CC7567  (talk) 06:19, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Onaconda Farr

 * Nominated by: &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  00:16, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:This nomination is pretty farr off, but I thought I'd give it a go.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  00:16, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

(0 ACs/1 Users/1 Total)
Support
 * 1) Farl supports Farr. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 06:58, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Clone's preliminaries
 * 2) **Thanks for the review.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) * Check for POV-oriented material such as "unfortunately" and "fortunately", and please remove them.
 * 4) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) * Finis Valorum requires context. Also, why is this mentioned only in the intro and not the body as well?
 * 6) **Both addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * The Mission to Rodia needs to be expanded in the intro.
 * 8) **Expanded and paragraphed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * The last sentence of the intro belongs close to the beginning of the intro.
 * 10) **I switched a few sentences around. Is this good?
 * 11) * "In response to the Republic's inability or lack of will": whether or not it's known for sure, speculation needs to be removed. Only state what is known.
 * 12) **Shortened to "In response".  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) * "In reality, and desperation," neither have any relation; please reword.
 * 14) **Removed desperation. I think reality is needed, to show that Amidala was not called to Rodia for the purpose stated/implied in the previous paragraph.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * Saying that Amidala was "given" to Gunray inaccurately sounds like she's an object.
 * 16) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * "Cad Bane and the Battle of Duro" makes it sound like both are related, which they are not.
 * 18) **Changed to "Cad Bane's Raid and the Battle of Duro". I think they should both go together, as they are fairly near each other on the timeline and, let's face it, it looks weird with the two under separate headings.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) ***I think a more general title can be found; it sounds like the events had a direct effect on each other, which they did not.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) ****I just split the two up; its fine (I think.)  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:50, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * The Senate hostage crisis is a conjecturally titled article, and should not be mentioned directly by name.
 * 22) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * The Senate hostage crisis needs cleanup and expansion overall.
 * 24) **Is there any particular section needing expansion in the crisis? I want to focus on the main aspects of the mission and Farr's involvement only, just so the article does not stray from Farr's history.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ***It's mostly what's below; I'll address further details later.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) ** Why did Bane take the senators hostage?
 * 27) ***Explained in the next sentence.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) ** You mention first that he was captured, then was talking about the bill, then was captured.
 * 29) ***Is a "Immediately before Bane's raid" good, or should I totally rework the order?  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) ****It's too confusing. Just state that Farr was talking about the bill with the other senators (also, notice capitalization for that), and was then taken hostage by Bane (and why). I'll get to reviewing the other objections soon later today.  CC7567  (talk) 21:05, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) *****Fixed in my own copyedit.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ** "Later, Anakin Skywalker was taken hostage, signaling the near end of Bane's mission." Talking too much from an OOU-perspective.
 * 33) ***Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) ** "Anakin Skywalker, however, anticapated Bane later remotely killing the Senators": does not make sense.
 * 35) ***Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * The Bts requires organization. It should be mentioned first where he appeared, then who portrayed him, and then any other info.
 * 37) **Re-organized.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * I've noticed that you've really only touched TCW-related sections; please take a look at the others and see if you can improve them overall.  CC7567  (talk) 01:44, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) **Will do.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) ***Slightly expanded "Battle of Duro" section; not much I can do with it otherwise without straying from his POV.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:50, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) Before I read it:
 * 42) * Infobox needs to be completely sourced.
 * 43) **Thanks... Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  13:28, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) ***You still haven't sourced one of the fields.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 00:26, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) ****Thanks... my bad, and addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:25, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * The succession box needs to be sourced.
 * 47) **Did not know that... Now I do, and addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  13:28, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) * Check the sources are correctly ordered.
 * 49) **I believe they are.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) ***They weren't, the sources list is ordered by release date, I've reordered it.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 00:26, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) ****Thanks; here I was thinking it was by chronological order all this time.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:25, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) *****Appearances are ordered chronologically, but sources are ordered by release date.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 08:09, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) *Make sure you check your article conforms to the Manual of Style before nominating it.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:44, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) **I'm pretty sure it conforms.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) Attack of the Clone II
 * 56) * In the beginning of the intro, it's confusing to say that he served until 21 BBY without mentioning the circumstances. Just mention his resignation at the end; the opening sentence doesn't necessarily have to surmise the entire character.
 * 57) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * Yinchorri requires context in both the intro and the body.
 * 59) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) *** What were the circumstances? Why did action need to be taken against them? Also, please check "aggressive"; it's too POV-oriented.
 * 61) ****Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) * I've placed Fact tags that require separate sourcing. I've also edited the article with my own copyedit, and I've placed Fact tags for information whose sources I do not know.
 * 63) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * Is the mention of Dooku as Palpatine's Sith apprentice really necessary? I understand that it's part of the embellishment, but it isn't expanded upon and does not seem to have a direct effect on Farr himself.
 * 65) **95% weren't; removed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference
 * 66) * Unclear as to whether Looruya simply stepped down from his seat on the Committee or resigned from the Senate altogether.
 * 67) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) *** "leading to Looruya's resignation from Senatorial office, and to Farr replacing Looruya on the Committee.'" The second part of the sentence stands out because it is not a noun (like "resignation"); please change.
 * 69) ****I don't really understand, but I split the sentence. I think it sounds all right, but please let me know if it will not suffice.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:57, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) ***** It sounds very much like Farr plotted to get Looruya out of the Senate, but it's not very clear. Please clarify this.
 * 71) ******How so? I don't say anything about Farr setting him up, just that the charges were legit, Looruya stepped down, and Farr took his place.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) ******* Saying that Farr "released" a list implies that he had them in his possession for a while, which implies that he was planning to wait for something. Is there any mention of how Farr obtained the information?  CC7567  (talk) 01:02, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) ********They say in Rodian Senator Uncovers Loyalist-Separatist Ties that he didn't reveal his sources. Congrats on the AC appointment, by the way! :-)  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   01:56, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) * Unclear as to what the Senate Action Subcommittee for Corellian Trade Spine Defense was.
 * 75) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 76) ***Nevermind; I'm going to remove it, since it's really self-contextualizing.
 * 77) *The Mission to Rodia requires a lot of expansion overall. Here are a few questions to ask yourself and expand upon in the article.
 * 78) ** How did Farr react to the imprisonment of Amidala?
 * 79) ***This good?  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   01:56, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) **What was Farr's reaction to the "Bombad Jedi"?
 * 81) ***I had praised in the end... Is this enough?  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) ****No, because that's not his reaction, it's an effect of his reaction. There's no sense as to what his immediate reaction was when he learned about the Jedi, which leaves the reader in the dark.  CC7567  (talk) 01:02, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 83) *****They don't really flash him too much during the Gunray+Farr+Jar Jar scenes in Bombad Jedi, and he has no dialoge regarding/to Jar Jar until he praises him. 01:56, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) ******Didn't he talk to Silood about the "Bombad Jedi" while they went with Gunray to the detention center? Didn't he state that they "must appease Gunray so he will not kill us all"?  CC7567  (talk) 04:38, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) *******I believe that conversation ocurred, (please correct me if I'm wrong) though before Bombad's appearance.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   20:35, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) ********And yet it illustrated Farr's beliefs on the "Jedi". I don't see the fact of when it occurred matters, as it stated Farr's growing discomfort with his alliance with Gunray.  CC7567  (talk) 21:13, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) ** How did Amidala escape? (I think there's a factual error currently in there right now; please check the episode again and/or its guide on the official site.)
 * 88) *** Now there's too much detail. It wasn't made clear before that she escaped, and that's why I objected.
 * 89) ****I don't think there's too much detail. All there is now is that she escaped with a lockpick.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) ***** Saying that she escaped is enough. It's not very much detail, yes, but it's something, and I personally find that a small detail like that implies that it was important to Farr that Amidala escaped with a lock pick, since it's included in his article. I don't see how it is.  CC7567  (talk) 01:02, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) ******Shortened.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   01:56, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) ** How did Farr see the error of his ways?
 * 93) ***This good?  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   01:56, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) ****Striking for now; I'll continue this review below.  CC7567  (talk) 04:38, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 95) ** How was Gunray captured? What did Amidala help Farr to do?
 * 96) ** While addressing the above, please be careful to keep it centered around Farr and from his perspective.
 * 97) ***All of the above expanded/addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:57, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) ****No, they're still remaining. This section in particular jumps around way too much, and it's not even focused on Farr. The general events are there, but the article still requires significant expansion on Farr's point of view. How did he react to the events taking place? The only thing I notice on Farr's thoughts is a "reluctant alliance with Gunray," and there's nothing else. His alliance was reluctant, yes, but it was still an alliance, and there's no sense of his shift from appeasing Gunray to helping Amidala capture the viceroy.  CC7567  (talk) 23:11, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) * Article is in need of a P&T section.
 * 100) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 101) *** And it also needs sourcing.  CC7567  (talk) 18:16, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 102) ****Slipped my mind. Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:25, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 103) * CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 104) Attack of the Clone III
 * 105) * "He also disagreed with her shackling within her cell, though Nute Gunray insisted upon her restraint systems." The "disagreed with her" needs to be replaced with a noun for this to work. Someone can disagree with an action, but it needs to be an action, not a verb.
 * 106) **Addressed. &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   20:35, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 107) *"Jar Jar Binks, however, accidentally disguised himself as a Jedi Knight, managing to destroy Gunray's starship." How did he "accidentally" disguise himself? Just say that he put on a Jedi robe and that the droids mistook him for a Jedi. Also, the two parts of this sentence (Jar Jar's disguise and the destruction of Gunray's ship) do not seem to be directly related, so they need to be separated.
 * 108) **Addressed. &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   20:35, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) ***There's still no mention that the droids mistook him for a Jedi, so it's still unclear.  CC7567  (talk) 21:13, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 110) *Gunray's grudge against Amidala since the Battle of Naboo needs to be separately sourced, as it was not mentioned anywhere in the episode. The episode guide might have it, but it should be checked.
 * 111) **Should I source Ep I, the reason of the grudge, or Ep II, another example of the grudge?  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   20:41, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 112) ***If you're going to mention it, you need to state the grudge's source, which means Episode I. Or at least somewhere that specifically states that Gunray held a grudge against Amidala because of the Invasion of Naboo.  CC7567  (talk) 21:13, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 113) *I'm still noticing that the Mission to Rugosa can still be expanded. Not to the point where the article is play-by-play, but Farr's actions require more expansion.
 * 114) **There is no mention of the exchange between Farr and Amidala after her arrival.
 * 115) **It needs to be stated that Farr accompanied the droids and Amidala to the detention center, and there disagreed with the shackling of Amidala.
 * 116) **"Farr, Amidala, Binks, and "Boogie", a Kwazel Maw, soon defeated many of the battle droids that had accompanied Gunray to Rodia." This comes straight out of the blue, as Farr's doubt of his alliance with Gunray was not specifically mentioned before. This objection is remaining above somewhere in my second look, and this will be fixed once the other one is fixed. It needs to be stated somewhere that "Farr began to doubt his alliance with the Confederacy..." and examples need to be given.
 * 117) *In the P&T, why would Farr want to bribe another senator?
 * 118) *More can be said re: Farr's support of his people. Didn't his willingness to somewhat sacrifice his morals and ally himself with the Separatists support this? I'm not sure what his morals were to begin with, but more can be said on the support he gave to his people.
 * 119) *That Farr was an ally of Amidala's father and a family friend of hers needs to be mentioned in the P&T.
 * 120) * "In addition, Farr was somewhat frightened by bounty hunter Cad Bane and his posse, as he was willing to comply with the Hunter's orders and did not doubt the reality of Bane's threats." It's either he was frightened or wasn't frightened; don't leave room for speculation.
 * 121) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   20:41, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 122) *The article's coming along; it's just the Mission to Rugosa and the P&T that mainly need work right now.  CC7567  (talk) 04:38, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Eol Sha lichen

 * Nominated by: NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 21:20, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: It was deGA'd becuase it was not 250 words.... 251! Well. Fine, not anymore. =P

(1 ACs/4 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good job. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 23:28, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:36, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 18:49, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 11:55, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 00:54, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Info unique to intro. In fact, in the process moving much of the info from the intro to a fresh "History" section, you removed a ref note in the intro to the Jedi Academy Sourcebook, so there's also unsourced info. There's info in the lead quote not present in the article, and an italicization issue in the BtS. This should be much more than 251 words long. And it would be nice to see a little care and thought taken with GA noms. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 21:27, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *I've added the description section and all info that I can see that was part of the sourcebook was also in the novel itself. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:03, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) The Grand Master
 * 4) * There is some info unique to the intro, be sure to add it into the main body.
 * 5) * "Using the Force in a way he had been able to many times before" This is a little awkward and unclear, please reword.
 * 6) * The History section ends a little abruptly, mention briefly what this "second test" was.
 * 7) * Add the release date of Jedi Search in the Bts.
 * 8) **This particular objection isn't required of FAs/GAs; just wanted to let you know that. It's up to the nominator on whether he includes it or not.  CC7567  (talk) 22:33, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) ***Ok, thanks for letting me know. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 23:28, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) *Good job. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 21:30, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) Floyd:
 * 12) * Contextify Gantoris upon first mention.
 * 13) * Mention that Luke was trying to get Gantoris to join the Academy earlier.
 * 14) * Does his second test (with the lava) really relate to this article about the lichen?
 * 15) *Nice job.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:47, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) **Done. Thank you for reviewing the article. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:03, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) Attack of the Clone
 * 18) * "It was protected by the extreme heat by growing in deep crevasses within the geysers." Unclear as to what "it" is.
 * 19) **I'm not seeing how, the subject of the previous sentence is crystal clear. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:13, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * Saying "that quest" is a bit awkward; makes it sound like it was a different quest.
 * 21) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:13, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) * What was the use of seeing if Skywalker would be caught in the boiling water and super-heated steam?
 * 23) **Clairified. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:13, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) ***Bit of a run-on.  CC7567  (talk) 15:58, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ****Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 18:25, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) *Looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 03:16, 8 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Young advisory council

 * Nominated by: Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 06:45, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Second GA nom, this one twice as long.

(2 ACs/2 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 02:12, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:39, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 22:35, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:52, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) Instant attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "Plus" needs to be replaced; it's colloquial.
 * 3) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * Can it be mentioned earlier in the intro that Cerasi was the head?
 * 5) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Cerasi and Nield need a bit of context as to who they were; it's unclear whether they were part of the original Young or the Elders.
 * 7) **It seems clear to me&mdash;the Young formed a government and they were part of the government, so it logically follows that they were part of the Young. However, I can change it if you still don't like it. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "a vote on the council": try to reword a bit; it's slightly awkward.
 * 9) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Kenobi needs context.
 * 11) **I'm not sure what you mean here. What kind of context? Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) ***Padawan? Failed Padawan? Self-exile from the Jedi Order?  CC7567  (talk) 20:38, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) ****Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:35, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * "Another early action was to ban anyone": bit awkward; try going for something like "The council also..." instead of wording it this way.
 * 15) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) * "the votes were six for the stop action and five against, with Kenobi, the last to vote, voting for the motion." Bit unclear what "the motion" is, also because it's not really chronological. Maybe say that it was five to five, and then say Kenobi voted to stop the act.
 * 17) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) * Bit unclear to the chronology as to when the Elders arrived to protest.
 * 19) **The book doesn't say when. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * "the fragmentation of the council was complete": sounds a bit like it was a plan executed by an enemy.
 * 21) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) ***Still sounds a bit awkward; I think it should be simply "The council fragmented" or change it to something else. It can fragment overtime (and if you're going to emphasize it that way, it should be made clearer earlier), but "fragment" is an awkward word choice for disintegration overtime.  CC7567  (talk) 20:38, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) ****Addressed again, hopefully. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:35, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) *Looks fine otherwise. Good job.  CC7567  (talk) 07:03, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) IFYLOFD says hello:
 * 26) * Contextify The Young in the intro.
 * 27) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * Contextify Cerasi in the intro and the main body.
 * 29) **She's already identified as the head of the council in both places, and I can't think of anything else to say. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) * "ended the war by waging a new war against the Melida and Daan," A little confusing. Just clarify it a little bit.
 * 31) **Reworded. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) * Contextify the Elders.
 * 33) **Again, not sure what else to say other than what is already said, which is that they were a faction of both Melida and Daan. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * Clear up why they would want to destroy the Halls of Evidence.
 * 35) **Addressed, I think.
 * 36) * In Fragmentation, you mention that Obi-Wan and Cerasi try to stop the destruction of the Halls. But later you mention that Nield was destroying "another Hall". Is this one of the Halls of Evidence, or something unrelated?
 * 37) **Clarified.
 * 38) * "Nield started working on Mawat" Working on isn't really the right choice of verb. Use a more situation-appropriate word.
 * 39) **Reworded, but I'm not sure about it. If you don't like it, feel to change it to something you do like because I can't think of anything else. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:10, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * You may want to create a "Composition" section.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  13:38, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * The reason I didn't do a "Composition" section is because it would be ridiculously short&mdash;the only information available is that there are ten members elected for one year each and that the head was Cerasi, plus the names of a few other members. If there was more info available, I could see using that section, but since there's not enough info and we don't have an LG entry for legislatures&mdash;probably due to an appalling lack of GAs or FAs on legislative bodies&mdash;I simply incorporated the info into the "History" section where appropriate. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 18:20, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Braha'tok

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 21:35, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:Mad props to my homie Ello 137 for fixing up this ride on What's the Story. What the hell did I just say! :P

(1 ACs/2 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Objections hashed out in IRC.  CC7567  (talk) 03:54, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 05:50, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Per IRC review. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:19, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 03:27, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) IFYLOFD attacks your nom:
 * 2) *"and was subsequently caught in a trap that had been devised by Emperor Palpatine." Subsequently? Weren't they already caught in a trap?
 * 3) *"Originally, Ello 137 the Braha'tok's name as a mythical Dornean name," Fix.
 * 4) *Why wouldn't Ello be able to fit the name in?
 * 5) **Ello just says that he couldn't fit the mythical name into the "flow" of the story.
 * 6) *Could use a copyedit for grammar and spelling. I've fixed what I've seen, but you should go over it for good measure.
 * 7) *Other than that, a fine job.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:15, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) **I addressed your other objections, thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 02:42, 10 May 09 (UTC)
 * 9) Soresu never bothers to say anything amusing here
 * 10) * The Braha'tok was a Braha'tok-class gunship in the Dornean Navy under the command of Kiles L'toth. Unclear as to whether L'toth commands the ship or the fleet.
 * 11) * You should probably state in the History that they didn't know that the Death Star was functional. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:13, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) **I addressed both objections, thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 19:39, 10 May 09 (UTC)
 * 13) From the Council Chambers:
 * 14) *Not an objection, but a note for the future: Infobox references should be placed within the Ref template. I fixed it here, but you'll want to remember this in the future. OK, here we go:
 * 15) * "but the Braha'tok and the Tokatarak were able to destroy the Eminence after the latter attacked the Imperial warship from behind." I think "latter" is meant to refer to the Tokatarak, but as used here, it technically and incorrectly refers to the Eminence.
 * 16) * What is the name of the user that did the What's the Story entry? He is variously referred to as "Ellos 137", "Ello 137", and "Ello137", all in the space of one paragraph in the Bts.
 * 17) * Also, after clearing up the previous objection, please redlink the first mention of his screen name&mdash;anyone who contributes to canon should have an article, even if only known by a screen name. See Category:What's The Story? authors.
 * 18) *Nice job. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:36, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) **Objections addressed after short IRC discussion. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 03:27, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Savuud Thimram

 * Nominated by: Thefourdotelipsis 03:48, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:

(3 ACs/1 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 04:47, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:29, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:02, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 10:51, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "A Universal Energy Cage brought the captive to the Citadel, where it was received by Thimram, Ap-Llewff, and several other Dark Side Adepts." Do you mean "where he was received"?
 * 3) **Yes. Fixed.
 * 4) * "Upon exiting, Skywalker attacked several of the Adepts with the Force, claiming that he would enter the Citadel of his own volition." The "upon exiting" is rather awkward because it isn't specifically stated where he exited from.
 * 5) **Fixed.
 * 6) *That's it; good job.  CC7567  (talk) 03:59, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **I thank you for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 04:25, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) It's Floyd!:
 * 9) *"effectively became one of Palpatine's most faithful servants." Is effectively the right word choice?
 * 10) **I turfed it.
 * 11) *"young Thimram's" POV.
 * 12) **No...it isn't?
 * 13) *"Later that year, Palpatine was definitively killed" Definitively?
 * 14) **Yes, definitively. The fact that he has died several times before is kinda irrelevant to Thimram, so I've left as something that that is technically correct, and doesn't stray too far from the focus, but will potentially make the reader go "Hmm, what does that mean? Maybe I should read up on that event." To that end, I've pipelinked it.
 * 15) *Quote for P&T?
 * 16) **Nada. The only thing of interest that he says is the lead quote.
 * 17) *Nice job.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:37, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 08:40, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Battle of Phu

 * Nominated by:  CC7567  (talk) 21:53, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: The first in TCW project Malevolence Crisis. Doesn't even deserve to be dubbed a "battle", though.

(1 ACs/7 Users/8 Total)
Support
 * 1) Very nicely done. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:39, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Sweet. -- —Harrar  ( Villip ) 23:52, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 05:30, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:48, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 02:57, 12 May 09 (UTC)
 * 6)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 21:12, 17 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 10:47, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Great work :)  JangFett  Talk 00:13, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Jujiggum
 * 2) * "the unpredictable attacks drove fear across the citizens of the Republic." "Across" is a little awkward/unlcear here, please reword.
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * Aftermath ends a little abruptly. Tag something on to the end of the section to make it more&hellip;final.
 * 5) **I fixed it up a bit, but there's only so much I can do without providing a complete summary of the next battle.
 * 6) * You use "also" several times in the BTS. Please reword/replace some of these.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) *Good job, as always. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:48, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) **Thank you, kind sir.  CC7567  (talk) 22:59, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) Priestly musings
 * 11) * "destroyed from the wave" is an odd way of putting this. Are shields really "destroyed" or do they collapse? Destroyed "from" sounds strange and "the wave" is ambiguous. Please reword this li'l sentence.
 * 12) **Addressed.
 * 13) * "Meets his fate" - used in the caption and in the BtS is POV - unless we have a source to prove that predeterminism was operating on this occasion this kind of phrasing needs to go in all articles ;)
 * 14) **Addressed.
 * 15) * Nothing ironic about characters being killed in their debut novels/comics - happens all the time.
 * 16) **Addressed.
 * 17) *Nicely done. -- —Harrar  ( Villip ) 23:20, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Thank you.  CC7567  (talk) 23:24, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) Floyd shoots ion cannons at your nom:
 * 20) * No main quote.
 * 21) **Oh dang, I really did forget that. :|
 * 22) *Other than that, looks great.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:47, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) **Thanks. :)  CC7567  (talk) 00:51, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Jorad

 * Nominated by: Jinzler 22:50, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: a typical Jedi-turned-Dark-Side-Adept

(1 ACs/2 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 18:18, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:15, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Good work; sorry about the confusion :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:11, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "He was captured by members of the Inquisitorius, a group of Dark Side Adepts who served the Galactic Empire, a galactic government that had succeeded the Republic." Context builds off of each other way too much; please remove one. The Empire would be the more likely one, as it's rather self-contextualizing.
 * 3) **Fixed --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***"Perform his duties" and "perform his role" are both a bit awkward word choice. The first sound like he did chores, while the second is just a bit awkward. Please see if you can reword.  CC7567  (talk) 15:41, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****I have rewrote both of them, but I slightly disagree with your logic. Inquisitors were essentially glorified errand boys for Palpatine --Jinzler 17:01, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *****I'm not sure; it gave me the sense that in doing chores, they didn't enjoy what they did. I wasn't sure of this, so I'm striking it, but feel free to change it back if you wish; it was just rather awkward wording.  CC7567  (talk) 18:18, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * "Jorad was assigned to serve his masters": issue in both the intro and the body; it previously stated that he became an Inquisitor, and that implies that he held equal rank instead of being a subordinate. Please clarify.
 * 8) **Rephrased --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * "'Jorad was able to evade death": bit awkward wording; sounds like he was trying to prevent dying a natural death or become immortal. Please reword.
 * 10) **Rephrased --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "but was eventually captured by members of the Inquisitorius, an order of Dark Side Adepts who served the Galactic Empire, the Republic's successor government, as Jedi hunters." Same context issue as before; please smooth out flow.
 * 12) **Fixed --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) * CC7567  (talk) 23:11, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) Soresu
 * 15) * I wouldn't call Palpatine ruler of the Republic. More like head.
 * 16) **Rephrased --Jinzler 09:40, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * It could probably be made more clear that the Republic was destroyed and the Galactic Empire became its successor. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:09, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Clarified --Jinzler 09:40, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) The Grand Master
 * 20) * "Following the declaration of Order 66, an order that called for the execution of the Jedi, many Jedi were killed and the Galactic Empire, the Republic's successor government, began hunting down the survivors." This is long/awkward, please reword.
 * 21) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) * In the middle part of the intro, you use "became" several times. Please reword.
 * 23) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) * "When a team of Alderaanian Resistance agents traveled to Prakith to free Jedi Master Denia, who had been captured by the Inquisitorius, Jorad located the agents in Prak City, and engaged them in combat and attempted to capture them." The second "and" is a little awkward. Please reword.
 * 25) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) * "Jorad was able to survive the resulting purge, that was implemented by the Galactic Empire, a galactic governement that had replaced the Republic." Also awkward, please reword.
 * 27) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * "His role there was to patrol Prak City, the planet's capital city, to locate any Force-users there, so that they could be taken to the Citadel Inquisitorius, the headquarters of the Inquisitorius, for questioning." This is somewhat of a run-on. Break it up or reword.
 * 29) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) ***I don't wish to sound rude Jon, as I appreciate you taking time to review this article, but does you lack of striking of this objection mean that you do not believe I have adequately delt with it? --Jinzler 22:43, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ****Yeah, that part was fine; it's just the new wording is also slightly awkward (see below). Do you want me to fix it? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *** "After finding any, he would take them&hellip;" This is a little awkward now. Please reword. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:15, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) ****Hopefully, it sounds better now --Jinzler 23:06, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * "He was bilingual and in addition to Basic, he could also speak Bocce." Grammar issue; please fix.
 * 35) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * You state several of his combat techniques in the P&t section; they should be moved to Powers and abilites.
 * 37) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jujiggum ) 01:26, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Calo Nord

 * Nominated by: Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:17, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Hope it passes.

(0 ACs/1 Users/1 Total)
Support
 * 1) Pre-nom reviewed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 23:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) *The intro currently seems rather disproportionate to his history; the intro is currently half the size of the history section. Please see if you can cut it down some. Notably, his activity on Taris can be shortened as a whole.
 * 3) * "When he was no longer one of the hunted, he became one of the hunters" I understand the embellishment, but it's not appropriate to the article as formal writing; please change.
 * 4) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ***No, it's still there; just reword it in general.
 * 6) ****Take a look at it.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:44, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) *"When the Sith began to bombard Taris, Nord and Kang tried to kill Shan, the Republic captain Carth Onasi, the Mandalorian Canderous Ordo&mdash;who was Nord's rival&mdash;and the amnesiac former Sith Lord Revan when they tried to steal Kang's flagship, the Ebon Hawk." This sentence is very confusing; please check again.
 * 8) * It says in the intro that several people put the bounty on his head, while in the body it's only one.
 * 9) *"She, the former Sith Lord and amnesiac soldier Revan, the Republic captain Carth Onasi, and the Mandalorian Canderous Ordo&mdash;who was also one of Kang's employees&mdash;attempted to steal Kang's flagship, the Ebon Hawk so that they could escape Taris." Unclear; please reword.
 * 10) * "to take everyone down with him" makes it sound like he was descending into somewhere; reword please.
 * 11) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) * "and told the Sith Lord, along with the Sith Admiral Saul Karath": Unclear whether the admiral was addressing the Sith Lord with Nord or was part of the audience.
 * 13) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * "and to capture Shan alive, if possible": unclear whether if he wanted to capture Shan alive, "if possible," or whether he wanted to capture Shan "if possible."
 * 15) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) ***No, it's still unclear.
 * 17) ****How about now?--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:44, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) * "Nord and a group of thugs": can "thugs" be replaced (in all places it appears) by something less colloquial and more specific?
 * 19) **What else could I really call them? I can;t call them mercenaries because they weren't, same deal with boubty hunters.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:35, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) ***If I might intrude and propose synonyms: They were enforcers, minions, henchmen (henchbeings?), [professional] criminals, subordinates, followers. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 15:55, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) ****Thanks for the suggestion, Skippy Farlstendoiro. Put "henchman" down instead of thugs.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:40, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) *"Nord gave the former Sith Lord credit for leading him on quite a chase": too colloquial.
 * 23) *"When Revan tried to get Nord to agree to a deal": please replace "get", as it's too colloquial. Also, what was the deal?
 * 24) * Why is Nord's species and gender all the way down in the P&T instead of at the beginning of the body?
 * 25) * First sentence of the P&T is rather POV-oriented; please try to reword.
 * 26) **This is from his entry in the databank, however.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:44, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) *"Nord's loyalty was to hard credits, and sometimes, to the thrill of the hunt.": please try to reword.
 * 28) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) ***It's still just too confusing, and the embellishment isn't working. Please just remove this and reword the sentence.  CC7567  (talk) 16:45, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) ****Except this is also stated in teh databank's entry on him, so I can;t just ignore it.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:44, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) *****The DB entries aren't necessary good formal writing. In this case, the embellishment isn't working because it's making the sentence too confusing. Find a different way to state it. What did this loyalty mean?  CC7567  (talk) 23:54, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *I'll take another look after these are addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 20:05, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * I'll take care of these objections as soon as I can, in a matter of a few days.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 23:21, 13 May 2009 (UTC)

Dhidal Nyz

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 21:58, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Because I really need another Outcast nom ;)

(2 ACs/2 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 02:46, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Keep up the good work. :) Kilson Likes PIE 01:23, 13 May 09 (UTC)
 * 3) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 03:26, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  Graestan ( Talk ) 22:43, 20 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The clone has no comment...even though that was just a comment.
 * 2) *Just a note: the intro was in future tense, which was rather confusing (as well as inconsistent). I corrected it; just try to keep it in mind for the future.
 * 3) **Ok, thanks; I'll watch for that in the future. (I think I rushed into this nom a bit, I don't think it was quite where I needed it to be yet).
 * 4) * "most of which were high-value fugitives, many from patents or military contracts": rather choppy.
 * 5) **Better?
 * 6) * In the body, who hired him to capture Horn? Also, "partnering" him without saying who hired him makes it more confusing because it's implying a higher power (or his employer) was involved without mentioning it.
 * 7) **It's never stated clearly in the novel who he was working for, but I've removed the "partnering" part.
 * 8) * Context for Force Psychosis is mentioned with Hellin; please move it up to Horn's mention.
 * 9) **Oops. Fixed.
 * 10) * "Somewhat" is used twice in the P&T. Instead of using it, try to find an appropriate word that doesn't need "somewhat" to portray its level.
 * 11) **Changed.
 * 12) * "In the past" isn't too specific, since the article isn't oriented to a specific period of time; it's about his character as a whole.
 * 13) **Removed.
 * 14) * "he preferred to use weapons that he invented, among other heavy weaponry.": bit awkward wording.
 * 15) **Better?
 * 16) *I hope this is the last Outcast character. :P  CC7567  (talk) 00:08, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **Don't worry, it is. Nobody else really has enough information for a GA ;). Thanks as always for the review! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 02:40, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) The PIEman's time
 * 19) * You should give some context in the intro exactly why he failed to capture Horn.
 * 20) **Added.
 * 21) * In 43.5 ABY, he attempted to capture Jedi Knight Valin Horn, who had gone on a destructive rampage through the galactic capital of Coruscant after a psychotic breakdown, which caused the affected being to believe that everyone they knew had been replaced by impostors, except for others who suffered from the disease. This is a run-on, try to break it down. You might want to put the psychtoic breakdown context into its own sentence.
 * 22) **Addressed.
 * 23) * You stated in both the Biography and in the P&T sections that he made much of his fortune off of his bounties, most of which were high-value fugitives from patents or military contracts. I would cut this sentance from one of the sections so that you are not restating it in the other.
 * 24) **Addressed.
 * 25) *Other than that, looks fine. Nice job dude. Kilson Likes PIE 04:07, 12 May 09 (UTC)
 * 26) **Thanks PIEman Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:13, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) Soresu
 * 28) * A female bounty hunter to Nyz, after he shot Solo with his net and managed to ensnare a Jedi twice with his electric-pulse net. If he shot at Solo, then why isn't the info in the bio? An under-1000 word article should be very comprehensive.
 * 29) **Significant amount of info added.
 * 30) *** During the hunt, another being piloted Nyz's cargo hauler, and Nyz and his comrades rode in the ship's bed. During the chase, as Horn was fleeing from Jedi pursuers, he ejected from the X-wing he had been flying and landed in the bed of the hauler. Is that out of chronology? Nyz rides in the bed, then ejects out of an X-wing onto the hauler? Also, "during the" is repetitive, and his ability to pilot an X-wing should be in the P&T. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 00:08, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ****Horn was the one ejecting from the X-wing; reworded for clarity.
 * 32) *****Ah, I see. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 03:26, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * another being piloted Nyz's cargo hauler, and Nyz and his comrade. Which comrade? Vaxx, or the female? SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:19, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) **Supposed to be "comrades"; fixed now. Thanks for the review :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:38, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) I'd like a little more expansion on why Skywalker was under arrest, and what the resolution to the event was. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 10:32, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) *Expanded. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 18:26, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Battle of Ryndellia

 * Nominated by:  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Trying to get the minor Malevolence stuff out of the way before the real pains.

(1 ACs/3 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good job. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:00, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Objections taken care of on the IRC. Kilson Likes PIE 02:50, 15 May 09 (UTC)
 * 3) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:41, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 09:25, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master
 * 2) * Context for Grievous in intro and history
 * 3) **He's a general; I feel that stating he was a Kaleesh or a cyborg would deviate from the article itself.
 * 4) * "The convoy was ambushed by the Confederate Subjugator-class heavy cruiser Malevolence, under the command of General Grievous, and the Confederate warship eliminated the Republic transports with its laser guns and ion cannons. " The last part of the phrase is a little awkward; please reword or break up into separate sentences.
 * 5) **Addressed.
 * 6) * "On Sith Lord and Confederate Head of State Count Dooku's order" You don't need both "Sith lord" and "Confederate Head of State" there; just stick with one, otherwise it sounds like you're talking about two different people.
 * 7) **Addressed with some bias; I feel that both are important (if not equal to each other). I took out the one in the intro, but I feel it's relevant to the body. If you still want it removed, I'll nuke it.
 * 8) * "The cannons neutralized the power of their targets, leaving the targets vulnerable without the ability to use deflector shields." Use something else for one of the "targets".
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * "and his trust and faith in Grievous diminished." In this case, trust and faith mean basically the same thing; to keep it flowing better, just use one of them.
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * "and was pleased that the medical convoy had been eliminated." You should clarify that the forces have been eliminated before you say this, because the last thing the reader knew Grievous had destroyed a droid for not being able to target any Republic forces, and now they've won the battle.
 * 13) **I moved the sentence about the battle droid; see if it works better. It's already rather heavily implied that the convoy was eliminated.
 * 14) *Good work :). Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:05, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) **Thanks.  CC7567  (talk) 22:21, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) Soresu
 * 17) * Skywalker led Shadow Squadron in recently acquired BTL-B Y-wing starfighters. Not "and"?
 * 18) **What? I don't really get the objection; the sentence looks fine to me.
 * 19) ***Doh! Suddenly got it. Sorry, I thought he took shadow squad and a number of Y-wings. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:41, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * A B1 battle droid commented on its inability to target anything, and Grievous smashed it aside. A bit unclear whether the two its are referring to the Malevolence, the frigate, or the droid.
 * 21) **Addressed, although for the first one, I'm not sure if genders can be tagged to droids.
 * 22) ***Yeah, I guess they have male personalities.
 * 23) *Good job. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:28, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) **Thanks for teh reviewth.  CC7567  (talk) 23:34, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) DC has returned from the dead!
 * 26) *Twice in Prelude, you start a sentence off with "Because," rewrite both.
 * 27) **Addressed.
 * 28) *Please transition the Prelude section to the actual battle part better; I can't find what the Battle of Abregado has to do with the ambush.
 * 29) **Addressed.
 * 30) *"As the damaged Pelta frigate deployed several escape pods, Grievous ordered the pods to be targeted." Were the pods then destroyed? You seem to imply so.
 * 31) **The scene ends there, so I don't believe that speculation has a place in the article. It's probable that the pods were destroyed, but it wasn't stated.
 * 32) *Again, I can't seem to find what the aftermath has to actually do with the battle itself. Transition it better.
 * 33) **Addressed.
 * 34) *Great job, looks great. DC 20:40, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) **Thank you.  CC7567  (talk) 21:18, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * About 700 words, for general interest.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Now c. 576 words, after addressing recent objections.  CC7567  (talk) 07:33, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

The Clone Wars: Procedure

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 04:07, 16 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:For once, I don't have a stupid joke to make. It's a six-page web comic, what can I say? :P

(0 ACs/0 Users/0 Total)
Support
 * 1) NaruHina; Devil's Advocate
 * 2) *I'm sorry, but this article needs a lot more info. It needs a Conception section and a Production section (Or at least a Development section to cover these.).
 * 3) **I changed the Bts to a Development section.
 * 4) ***It needs more info relevant to a development section. That info is fine as a Bts but it has nothing to do with the conception of the comic, so it doesn't qualify currently as a "development section." Just something more about the purpose of it (why they're doing these parallels) and maybe even the creators' discussions about it would suffice this. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:30, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****I believe mentioning who created the comic is relevant in the development section. Also, since the comic is so small, there really isn't much information on the Procedure out there. I did put in how it was paralleling the show, but other than that, there really isn't much I can put in there. Kilson Likes PIE 17:44, 23 May 09 (UTC)
 * 6) *It should have some kind of Reaction section, for response by critics, but I'm a little flexible on this one as it is a six page web-comic.
 * 7) **Well, I can't really find any real reactions other than a few fan reactions on some small websites. I don't think a reception section is possible.
 * 8) ***Well, send the sites to my talk page and I can judge if they're noteworthy, IMO at least. Its very possible, even if it is mostly or all fan reaction. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:19, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) *It needs to be sourced (i.e. the Infobox and Bts). (And no, not all that info is sourcable to the comic itself)
 * 10) **Added
 * 11) *Nowhere in the article does it say that it is part of a series of comics paralleling the show.
 * 12) **Added
 * 13) ***I'm not finding the addition. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:30, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) ****First sentence in the Development section.
 * 15) *****That should also be in the intro. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:19, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) ******Added
 * 17) *The plot section should be much more detailed. For example, there is no mention of the planet Bormus.
 * 18) * Context on Anakin Skywalker.
 * 19) **Context added
 * 20) *"Anakin Skywalker speaks to Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and Senator Ask Aak via hologram, asking them whether or not he can use the new Y-wings starfighters against the Confederacy's new weapon." What weapon?
 * 21) **Added
 * 22) ***The intro too. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:19, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * Context on Twilight.
 * 24) **Added
 * 25) * Context on Bormus Testing Facility.
 * 26) **I already gave some, but I added a little more
 * 27) * "However, after Skywalker and Tano bring up telling the Supreme Chancellor about how the Gran delayed their efforts, the worker allows Skywalker to take the fighters." A bit confusing. Reword.
 * 28) **Reworded
 * 29) **Oh, I forgot. It needs a Main Characters section. In this case, its likely all of the characters in the story with names and the Gran, who should probably have his own article.
 * 30) ***Added
 * 31) *Good luck. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:42, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) Lucius malfoy7
 * 33) *My preliminaries.
 * 34) **Development needs a lot more work. Any Bts/interesting stuff you can find needs to be included.
 * 35) ***I put some extra stuff in there, but as I said to Naru above, there really isn't that much information out there.
 * 36) **Please expand/reword in the sections that Naru has explained, and these:
 * 37) ***When they reach the facility, Anakin speaks to a Gran working at the facility while Matchstick and Broadside, members of Shadow Squadron, secure the fighters. R2-D2 gives the worker falsified documents stating that Skywalker can take the new starfighters, but the Gran refuses to give the Jedi the Y-wings because it violates procedure. Run-on.
 * 38) ****Fixed
 * 39) ***Overall plot expansion.
 * 40) ****Expanded
 * 41) **I'll review more once these are addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   02:29, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) Fett's 2 cents
 * 43) * "Skyalker" Misspelled Skywalker
 * 44) **Fixed :)  JangFett  Talk 00:08, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) * "Skyalker, his personal astromech droid R2-D2, Tano, and Shadow Squadron take off in the Twilight, Skywalker's personal G9 Rigger freighter." Needs rewriting, possibly begin with Skywalker took Shadow Squadron along with...
 * 46) * "When they reach the facility" Whose they?
 * 47) **Added
 * 48) * "At first, the clone troopers guarding the starfighters don't allow the pilots near the ships." Why?
 * 49) **Added
 * 50) * "However, since Broadside and Matchstick have a Jedi with them that outrank the guards, they are allowed to secure the Y-wings." You introduced 2 unknown characters and you didn't introduce them previously. Possibly add they belong to Shadow Squadron.
 * 51) **Ummm... look at the first sentance in the second paragraph, "Anakin speaks to a Gran working at the facility while Matchstick and Broadside, pilots from Shadow Squadron, secure fighters." Kilson Likes PIE 17:52, 23 May 09 (UTC)
 * 52) *"The Gran worker, however, allows Skywalker to take the fighters after the Skywalker and Tano threaten to tell the Supreme Chancellor about how the Gran delayed their efforts." Needs a rewrite.
 * 53) **Added
 * 54) *Overall this article has potential and with more expanded context Ill give you my vote :) Ill update if I see more that needs to be fixed.
 * 55) **Yeah, I probably nominated the article prematurely, thanks for the review dude. :) Kilson Likes PIE 20:54, 24 May 09 (UTC)
 * 56) * JangFett  Talk 23:53, 21 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Savar

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 03:40, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: WP:LE!

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Pre-review.  Graestan ( Talk ) 03:41, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 03:56, 18 May 09 (UTC)
 * 3)  OLIOSTER  Sith_Emblem.svg 03:57, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 03:58, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 19:52, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  CC7567  (talk) 20:34, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The clone is feeling like being more picky than usual
 * 2) * "He led the Security troops that arrested Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker in 43 ABY for dereliction of duty." Slightly awkward wording; although it's implied, it's not specified before that he led troops.
 * 3) **Reworded.
 * 4) * "He led the hunters and a GA Security team to arrest Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker for failing to prevent Jedi Knight-turned-Sith Lord Darth Caedus's fall to the dark side of the Force in 41 ABY, during the Second Galactic Civil War." Unclear as to who "he" is, as it just comes out of a sentence listing the three bounty hunters. Also, it's a bit unclear whether Caedus' fall to the dark side took place in 41 ABY or whether it was the arrest; it could be made clearer.
 * 5) **Better?
 * 6) *** It's the same issue for the Galactic Civil War. I would suggest changing it to "Skywalker, who had failed to prevent..." but I don't think that's factually correct, so I recommend trying to find a different wording.  CC7567  (talk) 16:11, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ****I looked through it again, and I think the Second Galactic Civil war part is kinda superfluous, so I just removed it. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 17:45, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "During the arrest, Skywalker did not cooperate precisely to Savar's specifications, handing his lightsaber to Jedi Knight Leia Organa Solo instead of turning it over to the Security troops, and Savar stiffened after an insult from former smuggler Han Solo." How exactly was the insult related to the arrest? Including it in the same sentence implies that it was related; if it was, please clarify. If not, please reword.
 * 9) **Better?
 * 10) * "Nyz, thinking that Skywalker was attempting to use the Force on Savar, shouted that Skywalker was resisting the arrest." Both "thinking" and "shouting" can be reworded with better word choice. If you're going to use "shouted", it needs to be stated who he shouted to.
 * 11) **Well, he was shouting to everyone just in general. I changed it though, is this better?
 * 12) * When did Solusar get there?
 * 13) **I added a sentance earlier saying that Skywalker was accompanied by other Jedi; is that enough, or should I be more specific?
 * 14) * "Captain Savar was a firm and commanding officer": slightly awkward. I understood that firm was an adjective, but I mistook "commanding officer" to be a unit, i.e. "his commanding officer" or "commander".
 * 15) **Better?
 * 16) * CC7567  (talk) 04:32, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **Thanks for the review. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:12, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Wenton Chan

 * Nominated by: Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 18:29, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: In amongst all the Outcast and TCW noms, I bring you a nom from the film that started it all.

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:06, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Nice job, Cav. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:18, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 00:14, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  Graestan ( Talk ) 16:11, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:36, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Great!&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:18, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master needs a break from his Outcast noms
 * 2) * "Chan was part of the Rebel starfighter forces mobilized to attack the Death Star, the Galactic Empire's planet-destroying superweapon, once it became clear that the moon on Yavin 4—where Yavin Base was located—was its next target." This reads somewhat awkwardly, please reword/rearrange.
 * 3) **Done.
 * 4) * The first few sentences of the second paragraph under the bio section are out of chronnological order. You open by saying the Empire has discovered Yavin Base, and then you go back and say that they planted a homing beacon on the Millennium Falcon.
 * 5) **I set up the situation, then explained how it was done. It doesn't have to be in order to explain what is going on.
 * 6) * "The crew and passengers of the Falcon—including smuggler Han Solo and his Wookiee partner Chewbacca, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi and farmboy Luke Skywalker—had conducted the rescue of Princess Leia Organa, Alderaan's former Senator and high ranking member of the Rebel Alliance, from the Death Star, and had fled to Yavin Base with the plans to the new battlestation." This needs to be reworded, and should also probably be broken up into two sentences.
 * 7) **Rewritten.
 * 8) * "Chan, along with the rest of Red Squadron under the commander of Garven Dreis, launched in his T-65 X-wing starfighter." This implies that the whole squadron launched in Chan's starfighter, and "under the commander of Garven Dreis" should be reworded.
 * 9) **Done. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 21:51, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jujiggum ) 19:38, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) Attack of the Clone
 * 12) * "Chan volunteered to join the Alliance to Restore the Republic, joining their starfighter corps": please replace one of the "join"s.
 * 13) **Done.
 * 14) * "Chan, along with the rest of Red Squadron under the command of Garven Dreis, launched in their T-65 X-wing starfighters." I saw Jon's objection above, but I think this sentence can be reworded for better clarity. Technically, it should be "his" X-wing, but since that implies what Jon mentioned above, it just needs rewording.
 * 15) **Rewritten. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 00:01, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) *That's it; looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 23:56, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * Yes, the image is crappy. I've asked Darth Culator to provide a replacement for it. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 18:29, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * New image uploaded, with thanks to Culator. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 23:44, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Checked ANH novel, comic for quote inclusion? Also, Behind the Magic and Annotated Screenplays should be included in Source list. Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:02, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Both novel and comic do not refer to Red Eleven in any way. I could put them in as indirect references since the squadron is present and he was known to be part at that time (although both sources refer to the squadron as Blue Squadron, per the original screenplay). Other sources added. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 21:51, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Probably unnecessary. Thanks. Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:30, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Mok

 * Nominated by:  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 21:36, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: There's jizz in his pants.

(2 ACs/5 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 22:11, 18 May 09 (UTC)
 * 2) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:56, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 00:40, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 01:18, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  JangFett  Talk 23:02, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 13:07, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) Nice work.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:19, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master gets picky
 * 2) * "On the flight to the palace, Rostu earned Mok's ire by vomiting on the Weequay's boots, which he valued very highly." I know what you mean, but it could be reworded better.
 * 3) **Coudl you explain exactly what you mean? I'm afraid I don't get quite how this could be written better.
 * 4) ***You say "which he valued very highly", but you just mentioned two "he"s. I know what you're saying here, and it's not a super big deal (like I said, I'm getting pretty picky here), but I think it could be tweaked slightly just for clarity. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:48, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****Fixed.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 00:31, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Context for Mercantile Guild
 * 7) **Meh, it's a guild of merchants. No info is given about it. I think the name gives all the context needed.
 * 8) *That's all I could find. Well done :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:25, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) The Grand Moff gets pickier:
 * 10) * I think the intro could use some expansion, including details on their arrest.
 * 11) * The Interstellar Trade League should be mentioned in both the intro and the bio.
 * 12) * "The male Weequay Mok worked with the Human smuggler Drach Coven. The two smuggled goods onboard their ship, the Far Ranger." - two short sentences that would probably look better combined as one.
 * 13) * Are there any details on Rostu's killing of the Imperial officer?
 * 14) * What happened to Rostu? Didn't he get the Far Ranger? If so, this should go in the bio and even in the intro.
 * 15) *Well done. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:12, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) Attack of the Clone
 * 17) * First sentence is a bit confusing; unless there's a specific reason for it, I believe the fact that he was both a co-pilot and a smuggler can be mentioned together, because it's a little odd the way it's currently worded.
 * 18) **Changed.
 * 19) * "who had had'": yeah, it's grammatically fine, but I just always find it too redundant. Can it be reworded?
 * 20) **Eh, not really well. I honestly think it works as is.
 * 21) * "However, his partner, Coven": I don't think this is needed; it's already implied before, and it seems strange mentioning it down this far. Also, it implies that the two were romantically involved, because a specific situation wasn't set.
 * 22) **Fixed.
 * 23) * "Mok tried to break free and attacked a stormtrooper": it's not very clear in the sense that it's not stated what happened of his attempt to break free.
 * 24) **Changed.
 * 25) *Looketh fineth otherwiseth.  CC7567  (talk) 00:10, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) Fett's 2 cents
 * 27) * Can't find a main image for the infobox?
 * 28) **Discussed in IRC channel  JangFett  Talk 23:43, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) * JangFett  Talk 23:02, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) Soresu
 * 31) * I think the location of his death should be in the "died" section of the infobox.
 * 32) **Done.
 * 33) * Wouldn't it be correct to list the Empire in affiliations? After all, they were "hired" by them.
 * 34) **Added.
 * 35) *Good work. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:12, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * 334 words. Also, Graestan, if you see this, I need to talk to you about starting the subpage for this.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 21:36, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the reviews, all.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 20:01, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Battle of the Hungry Ghost

 * Nominated by: &mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 16:06, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: None, just pass it

(1 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1) Looks good. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 22:19, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 22:03, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * For a "minor battle", the intro is rather disproportionate. Please see if you can cut it down some.
 * 3) **I'm not exactly sure how to do that, can you tell me which parts I don't need?&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***You have to use your own judgment for this. However, the prelude in the intro doesn't need that much, and overall, there are some details (key word, "details") that could be cut out. If you still need help, let me know.
 * 5) ****I still need some help, because I don't exactly know what to cut out.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:57, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *****I'll leave a message on your talk page soon.  CC7567  (talk) 01:18, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ******Good, I just need to know what to take out and what to put in in the intro.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 03:04, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) *******Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:51, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) *In the future, for ref tags in the infobox, please remember to use Ref templates.
 * 10) **Thanks for the help.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * The Hungry Ghost needs context in the intro. It's mentioned (and linked) later in the intro with context, yes, but it comes too late.
 * 12) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) *** You might want to add the stuff about Rokk and his pirates' ownership of the craft here, because it's a bit confusing coming later.  CC7567  (talk) 01:18, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) ****Now it's done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 03:04, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * "hundreds of thousands of pieces of Death Star wreckage": too wordy, please shorten.
 * 16) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * They "scavenged" some of the parts of what?
 * 18) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * Millennium Falcon ' s affiliation? It's unclear at first and confusing.
 * 20) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * "The pirate, wishing to get the cargo the Millennium Falcon was carrying, bombs, sent out fighters to disable the ship, which they executed successfully.": "get the cargo" is too colloquial; also, the sentence overall is confusing. Please check this.
 * 22) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) *** The "the cargo it was carrying, bombs." is rather choppy; please try to rephrase. The embellishment doesn't really work here.
 * 24) ****Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ***** Colloquial wording still remaining; please check.  CC7567  (talk) 01:18, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) ******Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 03:04, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * "However, another Rebel, Luke Skywalker, arrived and confronted the pirates. Luke's fighter, however..." It would be better to say that he arrived in the fighter first.
 * 28) **I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) *** It would be better to say "another Rebel, Skywalker, arrived in his fighter and confronted the pirates." because it's at first unclear about how he arrives.
 * 30) ****Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) * Unclear if "tyrannical" applies to the Empire or the Death Star. Also, it's slightly POV-oriented.
 * 32) **Removed tyrannical, you're right about that.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * It's confusing as to why Skywalker and Solo are "future members". Just say that they rescued her and became members later.
 * 34) **Removed future.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) * "Solo decided to investigate and find the unknown ship": investigate and find are rather redundant; please choose one or the other. Also, it's confusing as to why Solo would have to "find" the ship, because if he "tracked" it, didn't he already know its location?
 * 36) **True, chose investigate because it sounds better and he couldn't find it because of the wreckage.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) ***It's not very clear why his view being obstruction would cause him to investigate the ship itself.
 * 38) ****He assumed it was Imperial spies.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) *****It's still unclear. I don't understand why his view being obstructed would lead him to investigate or believe that the ship contained Imperial spies. Please clarify this.  CC7567  (talk) 06:25, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * "Before they could find the ship, the Millennium Falcon was attacked by TIE Fighters. These TIE Fighters, however, were not of Imperial ownership, but were painted red, leading the crew to believing they were not dealing with the Empire." These two sentences are too choppy. Also, "dealing with the Empire" can be worded to be less colloquial, because it sounds as if they're actually arranging a deal with the Empire.
 * 41) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) ***They're still rather choppy; please try to merge them.
 * 43) ****It's still two sentences, but I evened them out more.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) *****Is it for certain that the TIE Fighters were not of Imperial ownership simply because they were red? If it's not, perhaps reword to "Before they could find the ship, the Millennium Falcon was attacked by TIE Fighters that were painted red; their color scheme led the crew to believe that they were not of Imperial ownership."
 * 45) ******I used your text because I couldn't think of anything better.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 03:04, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * "that Rokk liked to give his victims slow deaths": please change "like" to something less colloquial and more specific.
 * 47) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) * "The red TIE Fighters, however, hit the Millennium Falcon exactly where the weak point was." What weak point?
 * 49) **It doesn't say in the book, so I won't mention it.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 23:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) ***Even if it hasn't been specified, the sentence itself needs rewording; it's unclear what the weak point belonged to.  CC7567  (talk) 23:34, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) ****I left the whole weak point thing out.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) * "and the Falcon was forced to dock to Rokk's ship. After docking aboard the Hungry Ghost": bit redundant here.
 * 53) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) * "Rokk revealed that he would take the Millennium Falcon ' s cargo, bombs." Rather choppy, and the "would" needs to be changed into a more appropriate verb tense. He "planned to take" the cargo, perhaps?
 * 55) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 56) *** This sentence now makes the following content of the article unclear, as there's now no mention of the bombs being the Falcon ' s cargo in the body.  CC7567  (talk) 01:18, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) ****Changed.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 03:09, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * "almost hitting crucial parts of the ship in the process": which ship?
 * 59) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) * "After arguing about escaping" needs rewording.
 * 61) **Done - changed to "arguing about escape plans".&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) *There's a lot of overlinking I'm noticing throughout the article; only link the first time something appears and the first time it appears in the body, and no more. Also, there's a lot of full names being used when a last name would suffice, and there are also first names being used when last names should be used; unless there are two people with the same last name, last names should always be used after the first mention. I've corrected these, but please keep this in mind in the future.
 * 63) **Thanks! This is actually one of my first times writing a long article by myself, there is a lot I need to learn.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * "Lunged himself," where it is used both times, needs rewording. It's either he "lunged at Skywalker" or something different; the word isn't meant to be used this way.
 * 65) **Done, I need to start looking up words I'm unsure of before I use them...&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) * "Luke escaped through the hatch that lead to the Millennium Falcon, along with R2-D2, and his protocol droid, C-3PO." It sounds as though Threepio is R2's protocol droid. Please reword.
 * 67) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * Can it be mentioned earlier that Skywalker was a Jedi?
 * 69) **Done - "Luke Skywalker, a Jedi and member of the Alliance" in the first paragraph.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) * "Rokk turned all of the laser cannons on the fleeing freighter": needs rewording; this part is slightly colloquial.
 * 71) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) * "got out of range": "got" is rather colloquial.
 * 73) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) * When you say that Solo activated the detonator, it's unclear that the bombs were on the Ghost. You mentioned before that they were being loaded from the Falcon, but it was never specified.
 * 75) **Done - added a small bit where I talk about the spider droids.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 76) * CC7567  (talk) 17:59, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) Fett's 2 cents
 * 78) * "'Millennium Falcon, prepare to be boarded!". Millennium Falcon doesn't have to be in bold.
 * 79) **It's that way because of a coding error. I've fixed it.  CC7567  (talk) 22:59, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) ***Understood CC :)  JangFett  Talk 23:05, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) ****Thanks for fixing that.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) *"They broke free of the cables that held them to the ship and evaded laserfire from the Hungry Ghost." Who broke free?
 * 83) **Context from the sentence helps this out a bit but I changed it anyways.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) *"Before Skywalker could attack, a laser turret aboard the ship fired and wounded him." Make sure you identify who this ship is. Which ship?
 * 85) **I specified it as being behind Rokk, who is aboard the Hungry Ghost.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 00:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) * JangFett  Talk 20:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) Soresu
 * 88) * The quote captions should be more descriptive. Just the name of the speaker isn't enough. You need to give some context.
 * 89) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) * Context on the Death Star in the intro.
 * 91) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) * However, another Rebel, Luke Skywalker, arrived in his starfighter and confronted the pirates. Skywalker's fighter, however, was damaged in the ensuing battle, However is repetitive.
 * 93) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) * Leia Organa, a founding member of the Alliance to Restore the Republic, was rescued from the Death Star, the Galactic Empire's planet-destroying superweapon, by Luke Skywalker, a Jedi and member of the Alliance, Han Solo, another member of the Alliance, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Jedi Master aligned with the Alliance. Alliance is too repetitive, making the sentence confusing. See if you can contextualize Obi, Han, and Wormie all in one go. For example, you could just say that they were all members of the Alliance, since Luke and Obi-Wan being Jedi doesn't affect the battle in any way.
 * 95) ** Actually, I do need the Jedi bit but I'll change it up to make it shorter.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 96) *After notifying Rokk of Skywalker's survival, Rokk ordered the pirates to destroy Skywalker before he caused trouble. Rokk notified Rokk of Skywalker's survival? Don't you mean After being notified of Skywalker's survival, Rokk...?
 * 97) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) * a laser turret behind Rokk fired and wounded him. It's unclear whether "him" refers to Rokk of Skywalker. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:37, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) The comic this battle is in was also published in Star Wars Tales Volume 2. Consequently, you need to reword the Bts which says it was only in SW Kids. --Eyrezer 09:40, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 101) *Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 13:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 102) Attack of the Clone II
 * 103) * The objection about the obstruction of Solo's view in relation to his investigation of the ship is still remaining above; please check it.
 * 104) **I removed the obstruction thing because now I re-looked at the comic and it says nothing about that. It just says they scan it and investigate.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 15:45, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 105) * "He managed to make it into the Hungry Ghost ' s hangar bay, and then on foot through the ship, continually being chased by the pirates." Lack of a verb in the second part of the sentence is making this confusing. Also, if you change it to say that Skywalker was "running" through the ship, please make sure to remove "on foot", as it would be redundant.
 * 106) **Done.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 15:45, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 107) * Please try not to excessively use the word "then"; it makes articles excessively chronological and play-by-play. I've corrected one or two, but please go through the article again and omit the unnecessary uses.
 * 108) **There were no other uses of the word "then," you can check yourself.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 15:45, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) ***Really? I'm noticing at least five.  CC7567  (talk) 18:53, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 110) ****I just copied the whole thing to Notepad and looked for the word "then". Even after rereading it, I can't find it.&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 21:11, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 111) *****Perhaps use the "find" function. To name a few: "The pirates then docked to the Millennium Falcon, intending to take the bombs the Falcon was carrying." "Solo then triggered the detonator, destroying the Hungry Ghost." "The Rebels then evacuated their base before more Imperial troops arrived." Those are just a few, and there are two others in the article. Not all of them are necessary, and I suggest removing those that aren't.  CC7567  (talk) 21:34, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 112) ******I'll keep that in mind. I deleted all of the "then's".&mdash;Darthtyler (Talk) 21:58, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 113) *******I did a bit of rewording and restored one, as the sentences were left a bit choppy. (That's what I meant by removing the ones that were unnecessary.)  CC7567  (talk) 22:03, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 114) * CC7567  (talk) 23:12, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Bendix Fust

 * Nominated by: --Eyrezer 01:15, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Reading this article will induce euphoria, while shortening your life

(1 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good job :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 02:32, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 07:05, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master
 * 2) * context for Zam and Jango in the intro.
 * 3) * You spell death sticks "death sticks" in the intro, and "deathsticks" in the body. Which is correct?
 * 4) * "Shapeshifting" should be linked.
 * 5) * "arrived at the cell fractionally after her" this is slightly awkward, please reword.
 * 6) * Is the ship they hijacked Slave I? If so, it should be linked. (If not, forgive my ignorance)
 * 7) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jujiggum ) 01:36, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) **Ok, I think I got all of them. I'm confused about the shapeshifting request though. You added a number of other links yourself, why not this one? The new ship is indeed Slave I. I've now pipelinked it seeing as the identity of the ship is not relevant to Fust at all. --Eyrezer 02:21, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) ***I'd normally copyedit that, but nobody ever links it, so I thought I should place it here :P. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 02:32, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) The clone wants a shortened life
 * 11) * "Fust smuggled death sticks, an illegal euphoria-inducing drug": subject/plural agreement isn't really working here for me. Please try to reword if you can.
 * 12) * "When Sebolto found out, he placed a bounty on Fust's head, resulting in Zam Wesell and Jango Fett breaking the Mordageen out of the Desolation Alley maximum security prison, and handing him over to the Dug." The second part of the sentence needs to include a noun, i.e. "he placed a bounty on Fust's head, resulting in the of ", for it to flow better.
 * 13) * Include his gender in the body? It's currently exclusive to the intro and the infobox.
 * 14) * "consequently on his capture by Republic forces, he was to be imprisoned": needs a bit of rewording.
 * 15) **It's mainly the "on his capture" that was my concern; it's not very clear to me. Do you mean "consequently, after his capture"?  CC7567  (talk) 06:28, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) * CC7567  (talk) 01:39, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **I got the rest, but I don't understand the second one there... Feel free to adjust it if you can. --Eyrezer 02:21, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) Soresu would like to buy some death sticks
 * 19) *Just one minor thing: The bounty hunters then took Fust to Malastare, Sebolto's homeworld. Fett then allowed Wesell to hand Fust over to Sebolto at his palace, "Then" is a little bit repetitive. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:24, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * Quotes on their way --Eyrezer 01:17, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Fendrilon Koozar

 * Nominated by: Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:22, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: One of the Emperor's Advisors murdered by poisoning for being a meddler. Best thing you've read this week.

(2 ACs/1 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 07:11, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 07:33, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  JangFett  Talk 17:05, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) The Grand Master
 * 2) *Mention somewhere in the intro Koozar's gender and species.
 * 3) *"Koozar wildly took control of the craft away from his droid pilot" Somewhat awkward, please reword.
 * 4) *"Xizor planned to eliminate Koozar during one of Koozar's nights out at the Manarai by poisoning his exquisitely-prepared preordered meal—a raw Wroonian flycatcher fillet followed by a bowl of sufar greens topped with mecolar briddlings and drezzle sauce for an appetizer, and fleek-eel broiled in zaffa oil for the main course, though Koozar had not yet ordered dessert." This is pretty long-winded; I'd suggest breaking this up into two sentences.
 * 5) *"Va'ran saw on the newsnets that Koozar at thrown an uncontrollable fit" I believe "at" is a mistake here?
 * 6) *Nice work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 01:46, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) The clone
 * 8) * "during the time period of the Galactic Civil War immediately following the Battle of Hoth": unclear if it's supposed to mean "during the time period of the Galactic Civil War, immediately following the Battle of Hoth" or "during the time period of the Galactic Civil War that immediately followed the Battle of Hoth".
 * 9) * "throughout the course of the meal" and "within the meal" are slightly redundant, since they both include "the meal"; please try to reword.
 * 10) * "Guri ordered Va'ran to give Koozar the "house special," meaning adding a combination of natural food seasonings and nearly untraceable chemicals to Koozar's dishes throughout the course of the meal, which would work in conjunction with the natural oils and spices found within the meal, as well as Koozar's own digestive system, to cause unpleasant effects, often including painful death, several hours after ingestion." Bit of a run-on.
 * 11) * The last two paragraphs of the Bio are slightly focused more on Va'ran than Koozar himself. Is it possible to rewrite them from a more general perspective?
 * 12) * CC7567  (talk) 01:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) **All concerns addressed, per IRC discussion. Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:14, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) Fett's 2 cents
 * 15) * "Guri only stipulated that he did it discreetly" This paragraph is focusing more on Va'ran and Guri than Koozar himself.
 * 16) *<S>"Va'ran saw on the newsnets that Koozar at thrown an uncontrollable fit while in his luxury airspeeder, wresting away the controls from his droid pilot, and crashing the speeder into the Ministry of Land Management. Fendrilon Koozar died in the fiery explosion that followed." Again, the perspective view is more towards Va'ran than Koozar.
 * 17) * JangFett  Talk 10:56, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **As I explained to CC, this story in the sourcebook is told only from the perspective of the chef, and we never do meet Koozar (which is explained in the BTS). I'm not sure there's a real way to change these two in a way that wouldn't cause a loss in information. I think this point in the article adequately explains Koozar's fate from a 360-degree view, which is what we try to aim for in article writing. Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:19, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) Mauser
 * 20) *You doesn't mention his gender and species in the body (nor in the intro).
 * 21) **Jon also objected to this, and while I don't mind putting it in the article if that's what people want to see, I don't think it's really imperative that every single article list this. The information is in the infobox, after all. Done, nevertheless. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:43, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) ***Added to the intro, that is. I think it would just be redundant to add it to the bio. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:48, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * Prince Xizor of the Black Sun crime syndicate arranged Koozar's murder for interfering with his affairs. - the reason for the assasination is not repeated in the body.
 * 24) **This sentence is meant to be what you're looking for. I thought the allusion was strong enough: "Koozar had developed a habit of sticking his nose into business where he was not welcomed, including the operations of Prince Xizor's Black Sun crime syndicate." Tell me what you think. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:43, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) *Otherwise looks great.  Mauser  Comlink 20:09, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Malevolence

 * Nominated by:  JangFett  Talk 01:26, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Ah, finally it is done :)

(0 ACs/0 Users/0 Total)
Support

Object
 * 1) Preliminaries
 * 2) *Before I give it a complete review or even a copyedit, there are several general things that need to be fixed:
 * 3) *First of all, there's still the sourcing error that I mentioned to you before. I don't know why, but there are multiple refs for the same source. Also, Ref is being unnecessarily used in the body when it's only meant for the infobox.
 * 4) **Addressed and yes I noticed that as well. Im going around and fixing all the ref tags and fining more than 1 reliable source.
 * 5) ***Fixed
 * 6) ****I don't see the Ref tags being used at all in the infobox, when they should be. Please correct this.  CC7567  (talk) 18:36, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * Refs need to come after periods and commas.
 * 8) **Addressed
 * 9) * There's a lack of sourcing throughout the article, particularly in the Abregado and Ryndellia sections.
 * 10) **Addressed
 * 11) ***Please check again. There are several instances in which the same source is used following two sentences. Not every single sentence has to be sourced unless it's a different sourced; otherwise, the source needs to come at the end of the paragraph. Also, it's going to be hard for me to review this until the above objection about the Ref tags is fixed.
 * 12) ****This still remains. Not every sentence needs to be sourced unless it has a separate source.
 * 13) *****Ill fix this issue.
 * 14) *The intro requires severe expansion. Two sentences will not suffice for the article.
 * 15) **Addressed :)
 * 16) ***And now the intro is way too long. Please cut it down. Just because two sentences won't suffice doesn't mean that the intro needs to be a third of the article's length.
 * 17) ****Fixed.
 * 18) *****I believe the intro can still be cut down. The battles in the intro only need to mention the direct effect on the Malevolence, i.e. it was revealed to the Republic following the Battle of Abregado.  CC7567  (talk) 20:06, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) ******Ill cut it down some more and add more detail of the ship's battle damage
 * 20) * The Characteristics section needs to be expanded. Everything mentioned in the infobox needs to also be here as well.
 * 21) **Addressed and section renamed to "Description"
 * 22) ***I'll go through this with you more later.
 * 23) *The History needs to include the creation of the Malevolence; it currently appears that the ship's origins are in the Characteristics for an unknown reason.
 * 24) **Addressed
 * 25) ***Also, mentioning that the warship's existence became known in the "Rise" is unnecessary. Simply say it in the Battle of Phu.
 * 26) ****Ill fix it
 * 27) *****Blatantly stating that it was first spotted in the Battle of Phu isn't the best way to go; there's no buildup. Also, it wasn't spotted by the Republic until Abregado, as there were no survivors of Phu.  CC7567  (talk) 18:36, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * In general, please make sure the article follows the Manual of Style and the Layout Guide, particularly the latter. "Characteristics" should be "Description", and a "Commanders and crew" section is also required.
 * 29) **Seeing their is no GA/FA article that has a commander/crew section Example, I didn't create one. The Infobox has a section for the list of commanders/crew. I addressed the Description and will expand it.
 * 30) ***Upon seeing the Executor article, Ill create a commander section.  JangFett  Talk 18:14, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ****Fixed and added sources for the commander section.
 * 32) * Grievous didn't destroy "dozens of task forces" between Ryndellia and the Kaliida Nebula, as you've so mentioned. Also, it was Dooku himself that gave Grievous the order to target the medical station; that needs to be in there.
 * 33) **Didn't write that part but Ill rewrite it :)
 * 34) ***And now, for some reason, it's unnecessarily mentioned (and linked) twice in both Ryndellia and the Kaliida Nebula sections. Please fix this.
 * 35) ****Fixed
 * 36) *For better examples on what the article should look like by the time it's finished, please see the current FA and GA ship articles.
 * 37) *Good luck. I'll take another look once these have been addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 07:04, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) **Thanks CC :)  JangFett  Talk 16:14, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) * Also, please check the sources available to you and see if you can get specifics on the warship's size, specifically for its length. If you don't have access to them, I would recommend trying to find users who do.  CC7567  (talk) 07:11, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) **Addressed. This was discussed last night in the IRC channel. From TCW: Decoded, they said it was roughly 5m.
 * 41) ***TCW:Shadow of Malevolence was listed as a source for it's listed length in the article. No character in that episode spoke about any specific description about it's length, but the decoded episode did however.
 * 42) ****I meant to check the printed references such as the Visual Guide and Campaign Guide. I'll let this pass for now, but I would suggest trying to obtain access to them, as you might need them to check the credibility of current information in the article.  CC7567  (talk) 19:17, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) A bit more for now
 * 44) * A better quote can be found for the Battle of Phu. This one-word quote isn't the most appropriate one; try to check HoloNet News — A Galaxy Divided if you can. Not every single quote has to come from Grievous.
 * 45) **Addressed
 * 46) * The Kaliida Shoals Medical Center is being linked and unnecessarily mentioned twice in both the Battle of Ryndellia and the Battle of the Kaliida Nebula, and I'm seeing this as an effect of copy/pasting the Battle of Ryndellia into the article. Please go through the article again and check for errors like this. The article can still be written more from the perspective of the warship. Not to the point where the article is biased, but the battles' effects on the ship need to be expanded a great deal.
 * 47) **I've managed to remove those multiple links and rewrote a few sentences in the beginning.
 * 48) ***There's still more work required for this.  CC7567  (talk) 18:36, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) * There's a great deal of overlinking throughout the article. Other articles should only be linked when they first appear, not several times throughout the article. This applies separately to the intro and body.
 * 50) **Addressed
 * 51) * Please check that you use last names throughout the whole article. Full names need to be used when first mentioned, but after that, use only last names. You use "Obi-Wan" in the intro at least once when you fist link him.
 * 52) **Addressed
 * 53) * "The destruction of the Malevolence by crashing into a moon echoes the fate of the Executor by falling into the second Death Star's gravity field, as well as the dispute over its size." This is original research, and unless it was confirmed to be inspiration for the Malevolence, it needs to go.
 * 54) **Addressed
 * 55) * Just from rereading the Characteristics section, I'm noticing a lot of grammatical errors. Please go through the article scrupulously and do another check. Perhaps reading the article out loud will help you.  CC7567  (talk) 19:17, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 56) **Addressed
 * 57) * A better picture can be found for the Battle of Abregado, perhaps one showing the Malevolence instead of its effects.  CC7567  (talk) 20:06, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) **Im going to capture HD quality screenshots of Grievous for the commander section as well as the Abregado image.
 * 59) ***You can already check existing images from the episode. This image would be suitable.  CC7567  (talk) 20:29, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) ****Addressed and replaced/added images.
 * 61) *The fact that Dooku was the one who told his master to send Amidala to the nebula is unconfirmed. It's more of an assumption; it isn't known on whose orders Palpatine was acting, unless you can find a source that explicitly states it so.
 * 62) *I'm going to simply ask you to rewrite the battle parts of the article. I'm still seeing a great deal of copying from the battle articles, and while yes, it does encompass most of the important details, it's not professional and it isn't original. The article can still be written a great deal more from the aspect of the warship itself.  CC7567  (talk) 18:36, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Battle of Sullust (4 ABY)

 * Nominated by: DjMack
 * Nomination comments:

(0 ACs/0 Users/0 Total)
Support

Object
 * 1) "The Expanded Universe never elaborated on the said event until Star Wars Battlefront: Renegade Squadron was released in 2007, giving the details of the battle." - Not true, Star Wars: X-wing Alliance featured the massing of the fleet at Sullust. Thefourdotelipsis 06:02, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *I've never played that game, would you be able to add any info that comes from that game into the article? DjMack 06:51, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Clone prelims
 * 4) *Sourcing in the intro is a big no-no.
 * 5) *The intro overall needs to be expanded. What happened during the battle? Not to the point where it's disproportionate to the length of the article itself, but only stating the battle's purpose is not sufficient.
 * 6) *I don't know why, but there are unnecessary spaces between each ref. Please go through the article and fix.
 * 7) *Date needs to be mentioned in the intro.
 * 8) *No links in quotes.
 * 9) *Is there a specific reason that the article's name has the date? If not, it needs to be Battle of Sullust (Galactic Civil War).
 * 10) *Please link to the actual articles instead of redirects, as you did for Darth Vader.
 * 11) *Please refer to the Manual of Style and Layout Guide and make sure that the article adheres to both.
 * 12) * CC7567  (talk) 07:40, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) Mauser
 * 14) *Crop the IGN logo out of the onfobox image.
 * 15) *"humiliating Darth Vader during the Battle of Hoth" - needs context.
 * 16) *In casualties section: Possibly entire garrison - an Assumption.
 * 17) * Mauser  Comlink 20:04, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Duel on Mustafar

 * Nominated by:  JangFett  Talk 15:43, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Sources added and fixed up few spelling errors.

(0 ACs/1 Users/1 Total)
Support
 * 1) All sources are added, great job cleaning up. — Excelsior,   The Flash  - ( Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me bay-bay! ) 15:48, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Mauser
 * 2) *Check the novel, junior novel, comic, video game and LEGO Star Wars: The Video Game for any differences from the movie.
 * 3) * Unsourced sections in the infobox.
 * 4) **Addressed
 * 5) ***Previous, concurrent and next battles still need sourcing.
 * 6) ****Fixed
 * 7) *Intro could use a big expansion.
 * 8) **Addressed
 * 9) ***What you've added, should actually be in the prelude section, albeit reworded and expanded. Intro should mention when and where the duel took place, the combatants and its major affect on the galactic histiry.
 * 10) ****Ok, thank you for telling me what I need to do unlike what CC had stated. Ill fix it. Done.
 * 11) *****Still way to go. The intro should read like the brief summary of the overall article. And you still fail to mention even the year in both body and the intro, not to mention many other thigs.
 * 12) ******Added year and more content
 * 13) *******Still much work to be done on the intro. It should include summary of the prelude and aftermath sections as well for example.
 * 14) ********The Showdown on Coruscant helped a lot with the rewording of the summary intro.
 * 15) * I am sure there are way more sources than just those two.</s?>
 * 16) **Addressed
 * 17) *Expand Prelude section. Context on Vader, Kenobi, Amidala etc.
 * 18) **Addressed
 * 19) ***Still no context on Amidala, Kenobi, Vader, C-3PO etc. Actually the whole body of the article looks like nothing more than the detailed description of events in the movie. While it may be sufficient for an average article, it is not for a GA. For example, when you first mention Amidala, you must say that she was a Senator from Naboo, Anakin's secret wife, and that she was pregnant with twins - amongst other things. Same goes for anyone - and anything - else.
 * 20) ****Addressed and fixed.
 * 21) *****Still better, but still a long way to go: context on Kenobi needed for example. Also, the section is now too trivial (some bad grammar there also): "But Kenobi couldn't, Anakin was like his brother.", "Yoda told Kenobi to use his feelings, and he will learn of Vader's whereabouts." - Prose like this can by no means be allowed.
 * 22) ******Removed those statements. Anything else? I reread the section and fix some grammar issues as well.
 * 23) *******I'm sorry to repeat this, but the whole article just looks like pure re-telling of the events in the movie: "Arriving on Mustafar, Padmé gazed out her window, re-cooperating her thoughts of this matter. She then saw Anakin outside." (redundant), "Kenobi stated that he must find him and he is in grave danger from his actions and emotions." (present time), "Vader was questioning why she was here." (where?) - such examples are numerous, this article honestly just can't become a GA in such state. You need to perform major re-working on the article, adding info from all sources and appearances - not just the movie itself. Also, look at the article which I linked to at the bottom fo the section.
 * 24) ********Addressed and fixed present tense statements. Also I dont see a link.
 * 25) *********Showdown on Coruscant and its GAN process.  CC7567  (talk) 00:37, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) **********It did help. Fixed.
 * 27) *How did they both temporarily lose their lightsabers doesn't seem to be explained.
 * 28) *So ended the kinship of two of the greatest Jedi in history. - POV
 * 29) * Their fate would be decided by the Force. - Speculation.
 * 30) **Actually, that was confirmed in "The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi" (— Excelsior,   The Flash  - ( Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me bay-bay! ) 17:33, 24 May 2009 (UTC))
 * 31) ***Put is as a source then.
 * 32) ****Addressed
 * 33) *****Still no reference for that statement.
 * 34) ******Fixed
 * 35) *Expand the aftermath section.
 * 36) **What do you want to go into the aftermath section?
 * 37) *Context on Yoda, Palpatine and their duel.
 * 38) **Addressed
 * 39) ***Context - again. Who was Palpatine in the first place?
 * 40) ****Addressed
 * 41) *More context on Padme's pregnacy, Luke and Leia, and Polis Massa.
 * 42) **Addressed
 * 43) *BTS in unstructured. It should first of all tell you when did the duel first appear, and tell a bit about its conception.
 * 44) **Addressed
 * 45) *BTS contains too many small paragraphs. Try to combine them into bigger ones.
 * 46) **Addressed
 * 47) ***Each statement still need its own source, and you've seem to have removed some.
 * 48) ****Addressed
 * 49) *In the Aftermath section there is no content from Dark Nest III: The Swarm War.
 * 50) **Addressed
 * 51) ***First, need context on R2-D2. Second, Luke was shown the holo not while cleaning R2, but after Ghent took a work on him. Third, make a note that some part of the battle was recorded by R2 earlier in the article.
 * 52) *I'm sure there wiil be more objections to come, but the actual Duel section is very well written.  Mauser  Comlink 17:11, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) *Try looking at this article for a better picture of what is required from GA - especially note the detailed BTS section. Also look at the article's nomination history to understand what you'll be up against next months.  Mauser  Comlink 23:32, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) CC
 * 55) *You're still not using the Ref tags for the infobox, despite being asked to do so for your Malevolence nom.
 * 56) *The events in the infobox need to be sourced.
 * 57) **Addressed
 * 58) *Yes, the intro needs to be expanded.
 * 59) **Reload your browser CC :P
 * 60) ***And now, like it was for the Malevolence, the intro is too long. Also, you still need to use last names instead of first names.  CC7567  (talk) 18:38, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) ****It's still on the long side, and lengthening it didn't really help. Only summarize what is directly related to the duel.  CC7567  (talk) 02:03, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) *****Addressed
 * 63) *The end of the Prelude requires a source, as does the Fall of Vader.
 * 64) **Addressed, do you want more sources than just the movie?
 * 65) *Pick one quote for the Aftermath. Using two derives from the article's content.
 * 66) **Already being addressed, Im actually looking for a better quote.
 * 67) * The images throughout the article need to be spaced better. At most, there should only be one image for every three paragraphs or so. Image farms aren't articles.
 * 68) **Those images improve the article.
 * 69) ***In what way? The article is for writing, not for an image gallery. The images are deriving too much from the content of the article itself.  CC7567  (talk) 18:38, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) ****If I remove those images, the entire article will just be paragraphs. Those images have a meaning within the duel and the overall quality of the article itself. If I remove them, the article will not look good and this is major/important article within the Star Wars community.
 * 71) *****I didn't say you had to remove them. I said that you need to reorganize them, as they need to be spaced better.  CC7567  (talk) 21:01, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) ******Acknowledged and fixed.
 * 73) *******The images of Vader's fall and Palpatine's recovery of Vader are too close. Please see if you can space them better, but if not, I suggest you remove one. Images enhance the article, yes, but they are not meant to be the main focus.
 * 74) ********Fixed
 * 75) *I understand that the duel is a duel, but the article overall is very play-by-play. Please see if you can shorten the detail in some places.
 * 76) **Detail strengthens the quality of the article CC :) Ill try to find a few places that over does it but I feel it is fine the way it is now.
 * 77) ***The article needs to flow like a story, not like a script. Please go through the article.  CC7567  (talk) 22:51, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) ****CC point out where this needs to be done. Because your just telling me to go do it without telling me where or what to change.
 * 79) *****First of all, the Prelude is simply too lengthy. When deciding if something should stay, as yourself this: Does it directly relate to the duel ? If the answer is no, please remove it; petty details such as "with a short smile" need to go, and also Amidala's thoughts. The Prelude section in particular is reading like a summary of the movie or the film's novelization rather than the actual duel itself. I can't comment too much more on this because I'll just be listing things that need to be removed, and once you remove them, you won't learn how to spot them yourself. I can tell you what to look for, but there's only so much I can do, as I want to you to be able to spot them yourself as the nominator of the article. Unless dialogue is related to the duel, it derives from the article itself. Dialogue can be used, but when excessively used, it derives from the flow of events. Please also correct everything into past tense, as there are a lot of unnecessary present-tense items in there. If you still don't know what to remove, I'll tell you, but please try to root out what to remove first.  CC7567  (talk) 23:58, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) ******Ok, I went through and deleted unnecessary statements and cleaned the section a bit and making few sentences past-tense. If I missed anything, please state them :)
 * 81) *******I don't want to list them if I don't have to, as I still want to you to try and find them, but there is still a lot of content that can be reworded or removed. For now, I'm only going to point out Amidala's twins; is that really necessary to the prelude of the duel?  CC7567  (talk) 00:19, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) ********Addressed
 * 83) *I don't mean to be rude, but it only looks like you've done sourcing for the article; the duel seems to have already been in place. Please go through the article and see if you can improve it overall.  CC7567  (talk) 18:23, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) *ROTS isn't a source for Vader wearing his suit for the rest of his life.  CC7567  (talk) 22:51, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) **In Darth Vader's armor there are few references that link ROTS to it. Also they showed Vader being transformed into the suit and without it he will die. Return of the Jedi could be another source when Luke commented that Vader will die without his mask on. Post-ROTS work shows Vader wearing that suit all the time.
 * 86) ***Yes, but I still don't see your reasoning; the film simply isn't a source for this.  CC7567  (talk) 02:11, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) *Non-cannon appearances requires its own Bts section.  CC7567  (talk) 02:11, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) **Addressed and removed LEGO Star Wars material from BTS. The new section would require more work.

Comments
 * 1) I agree with expanding the Intro. That's the only flaw I can see. — Excelsior,   The Flash  - ( Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me bay-bay! ) 17:33, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Battle of the TIE Fighter Construction Facility

 * Nominated by: SuperFlash101
 * Nomination comments: All previous issues from last nomination appear to be fixed. No tags and clear sources.

(0 ACs/0 Users/0 Total)
Support

Object
 * 1) Mauser
 * 2) *I suppose you've checked the novel and the comic for any unique content?
 * 3) **That I'll have to dig up on.
 * 4) *Intro should be expanded.
 * 5) **I'll expand the intro as far as I can.
 * 6) *Context on why was Kota attacking Imperial targets.
 * 7) **I'll look up and add Kota's reasons behind the attack
 * 8) *More context on Kota and Vader.
 * 9) **Same with Vader
 * 10) *Context on Starkiller is only on the intro, should be in the body as well.
 * 11) **Where exactly do you want Starkiller added at?
 * 12) ***First time he is mentined in the body of the article (not counting the intro section).
 * 13) *Context on Juno and Rogue Shadow.
 * 14) **What type of addition on Juno and the ship and where?
 * 15) ***Who/what were they and what were they doing there.
 * 16) *Kota believed that Galen had a far greater calling, than just as Darth Vader's servant. Since you get to that part of the dialogue again later, I think it's safe to drop it.
 * 17) **Where's that line? I'll remove it.
 * 18) *Expand the aftermath section. Especially the lightsaber part and Galen's lie to Vader.
 * 19) ** Will do. Done
 * 20) ***Do not strike other user's objections - it is always up to the reviewers themselves. Still no information about the fact that Galen lied to Vader about Kota's death.
 * 21) *Anything else notable concerning game's demo? Like the RC-1138's helmet as an easter egg?
 * 22) **Don't know about that.
 * 23) ***Check the demo for anything that differs from the final game.
 * 24) *Source BTS.
 * 25) **Will do.
 * 26) *That's all for now.  Mauser  Comlink 16:19, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) **Okay. — Excelsior,   The Flash  - ( Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me bay-bay! ) 16:28, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) ***In the future: respond to objections after you've made respective fixes.  Mauser  Comlink 16:36, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Oric Harfard

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:11, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: It would seem that I lied about not having any more Outcast noms. Oh well, I've gotta do something to keep myself busy.

(0 ACs/0 Users/0 Total)
Support

Object
 * 1) Cloned
 * 2) *"where he got into an argument": too colloquial.
 * 3) **Changed.
 * 4) *"Mon Calamari Master Claghari" is too much context. Is the species really necessary?
 * 5) **Removed.
 * 6) *"Cilghal delayed him": delayed who?
 * 7) **Specified.
 * 8) *The "natural dislike" isn't really appropriate; unless it states that he intended to dislike the Jedi all along, it's not the best wording choice. I would suggest removing "natural", because it's not the clearest choice of words, and it implies too much, such as if he was actually born to hate the Jedi.
 * 9) **Removed.
 * 10) * CC7567  (talk) 23:21, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) **Thanks for the review. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:28, 24 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments