Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Billal Batross


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Billal Batross

 * Nominated by:  Mauser  Comlink 14:33, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My first ever attempt to do a GA. Thanks to CC7567 for a pre-nom review.

(4 ACs/1 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 18:48, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 05:10, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 08:21, 22 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Good work.  Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi Beacon ) 20:01, 22 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  23:55, 22 July 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Preliminaries
 * 2) * For now, can the intro be slimmed down? It's still a bit long. Try to only include details that are utterly necessary to the reader's very basic understanding of the character.  CC7567  (talk) 22:00, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) **I managed to make it a bit slimmer, but I'm not sure if anything else could be cut - it already tells only the very basics of the story.  Mauser  Comlink 07:14, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***I guess that's fine for now; if I end up disagreeing again in future looks, I'll talk it over with you.
 * 5) * One more for now: "and were offered by Captain Taavin to help bring down Sollima in exchange for the release": check your diction of "offered"; that's not how the word is used. Please go through the article again and look for this; I'm still seeing it in multiple places, and it's not making sense. Also, "bring down" is too colloquial and not very specific; please clarify this.  CC7567  (talk) 07:22, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) **Yeah, that's my bad. I'm not a native english-speaker =\  Mauser  Comlink 09:48, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) Clone attack
 * 8) * "so he asked to retrieve the droid": subject missing somewhere in there; it's not reading well.
 * 9) **Adressed.
 * 10) ***Please check this again; the current wording states that Batross asked Sollima if the crime lord could retrieve the droid himself.  CC7567  (talk) 00:07, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) ****Tweaked.
 * 12) * "Since the orders were to bring the droid back intact, the Aleena ordered to shoot them": who did he order?
 * 13) **Adressed.
 * 14) * "All the wealth, however, was soon afterward snatched away from him." Soon and afterward are slightly redundant here; I would suggest replacing both with "later" or a similar word.
 * 15) **Adressed.
 * 16) * In the refnote about Batross' "deceptive nature," can you explain a bit how the events were presented? Just knowing Batross' deceptive nature isn't enough to determine that they possibly never took place.
 * 17) **I am unsure about this one. The trick is, during the same conversation he directly lies at least twice (about being proud of Han's achievements and about being willing to change), so the reader obviously suspects a catch with that claim. Furthermore, when Han asks Batross about the money he gained, he says that "rotten luck snatched it away", which makes the reader even more suspicious. I think the fact alone that he lies to Han several times throughout the whole story is enough for not believing his words without proof. Should I add all this to the ref note?
 * 18) ***My concern was that I wasn't sure which appearance or source it came from; sorry for not clarifying. As long as it's specified that this was in the comic, it should be fine.  CC7567  (talk) 00:07, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) ****Tweaked the ref note a bit.
 * 20) * If you say "the representatives of the Empire," it needs to be stated which specific representatives they were. If you mean representatives in general, please remove the "the".
 * 21) **Adressed.
 * 22) * "he asked to retrieve the droid": please check this whole sentence; it's not making sense.
 * 23) **Adressed.
 * 24) ***Everything is fine except for the wording problem that I mentioned in the response to the objection above about "asked".  CC7567  (talk) 00:07, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ****Tweaked.
 * 26) * "Captain Taavin of the Empire then ordered to release both prisoners": who did he order to release them?
 * 27) **Adressed.
 * 28) * "According to Taavin's plan": rewording can be applied here; things are normally "according" to people, not necessarily inanimate objects.
 * 29) **Adressed.
 * 30) * "relatively intact": instead of stating it this way, I would recommend saying "with minor injures" or something for better clarity.
 * 31) **Adressed.
 * 32) *I'm up to "Escape from the Hollow Moon"; I'll finish later when I get the chance.  CC7567  (talk) 20:07, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) **Again, thanks for your patience.  Mauser  Comlink 09:36, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) ***It's no problem; we all have to start somewhere, and your first nom is looking quite good. :)  CC7567  (talk) 00:07, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) Attack of the Clone III
 * 36) * "Realizing that the invasion of his world was unpreventable, Sollima, in a desperate attempt, asked Batross to kill his friend for a large sum of money, but Batross refused, stating that he and Solo were partners." This sentence is a bit choppy with the extra prepositional phrase (in a desperate attempt); please try to either smooth out the flow or remove the phrase if it can't be improved.
 * 37) **I found that bit unnecessary.
 * 38) * Solo threatened Sollima for Chewie's whereabouts, but did he get them? I know it's implied, but it needs to be clarified.
 * 39) **Adressed.
 * 40) * "he decided that he would become the third member": it's either he believed that he would become the third member, or that he wanted to become the third member; the current wording isn't really working.
 * 41) **Tweaked.
 * 42) * "Leading a life of a gambler, a con artist and an occasional thief": this is technically grammatically correct, but it's a bit choppy; can it be reworded?
 * 43) **I did a rewording, but if fact I don't like it myself. See how's that with you.
 * 44) * Solo's "incredible luck" is a bit POV-oriented; if it's stated, examples need to be given and it needs to be more specific.
 * 45) **It is indirectly stated by Batross when he complains about his own luck (P&T quote), but I decided to remove that, since it does indeed look like POV.
 * 46) * "such as the crime lords Sollima and Imperial officer Taavin": please check subject/plural agreement here.
 * 47) **Adressed.
 * 48) *I'll probably look it over once more after these objections are fixed, but good work.  CC7567  (talk) 00:07, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) **Ah, mesa not so good with englishes. =(  Mauser  Comlink 07:36, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) Final stand
 * 51) * It doesn't seem likely that Taavin would have to "ask" them to double-cross Sollima; since they were apparently desperate to get out, they would have wanted to do anything to be freed. I think better word choice can be used here. Perhaps something to do with "agreed", but if that word is used, the sentence will need to be reworded.
 * 52) **Tweaked, both in bio and the intro.
 * 53) * When he was being tortured by Sollima's thugs and at first refused to accompany Batross, did Solo want to simply undertake the mission himself? The current wording implies that, but also implies that Solo didn't want to do anything with Batross, and therefore avoid doing the mission altogether. This needs to be clarified.
 * 54) **Actually, it's unclear. The exact quote is: "No, no, no, no. No way. No deal. Solly - find someone else." It isn't specified if Han was asking to find someone else in his place, or in place of Batross.
 * 55) * "Solo transmitted the landing code received from Sollima": when exactly did they get the landing code? It's a bit unclear. If it wasn't specified, the wording needs to be more neutral so that it doesn't sound like it's speculating.
 * 56) **Addressed.
 * 57) * Specifically what is Solo's "skill" in the P&T? General, or skill in a specific field?
 * 58) **Adressed.
 * 59) * "Powerful individuals" needs to be specified; right now, it's slightly POV. If it were to be "individuals wielding great power", it might work better, but it needs to be clarified specifically what kind of power they held.
 * 60) **I choose to remove that bit completely.
 * 61) *It's almost there, Mauser, and it's looking very good. :)  CC7567  (talk) 23:34, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) Soresu
 * 63) * the Aleena ordered to shoot them. Doesn't flow very well.
 * 64) **Adressed.
 * 65) * gave the prisoners a choice: stand trial for sabotage and treason against the Empire, conflicts with As the only alternative for the accomplices was going to prison. Wasn't the alternative trial?
 * 66) **The Imperial Captain says that if they refuse to co-operate, they will stand trial, but adds that they'll spend the rest of their lives as sellmates. So, I choose to use different wordings in the intro and the bio. Do you think I should change one of them?
 * 67) ***No, it's fine. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 05:10, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * Batross activated a bomb hidden inside the droid's head and threw it at two of the gangster's bodyguards, both of whom were killed in the explosion. Both Humans and the Aleena. Both is a little repetitive.
 * 69) **Adressed.
 * 70) *Looks like CC got most of the minor things. Very well done, Mauser. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:30, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) **Thanks for the review ;)  Mauser  Comlink 10:58, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) ***Anytime. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 05:10, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) Just one thing: "Arbra amongst the Hoojibs." Could you give a little context on Arbra in the intro? Is it just osme random planet? Otherwise, nice work.  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  15:07, 14 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) *Changed it in the intro, left as it was in the P&T. Reason: context for Arbra is already given in the body (the last sentence of the bio says that Hoojibs were native to the planet and for Batross that is enough).  Mauser  Comlink 15:45, 15 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) Just one: In the intro, what debt did Han owe to Billal, and why couldn't he return it? This is unclear.  Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi Beacon ) 00:14, 22 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 76) *You probably mean Sollima, not Billal, right? The line is "Solo also owed Sollima a debt he could not return." This is unspecified in the story, like the bio says, he is just caught in Simbars and has no money to return. I changed that line a bit though. Thanks for the review.  Mauser  Comlink 09:33, 22 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) **Oops, yeah, I meant Sollima :P. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi Beacon ) 20:01, 22 July 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * A note: the article's at c. 2,600 words, so it's within the GAN word count limit of 3,000.  CC7567  (talk) 20:23, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * I'll take another look when I get the chance, but solid work. :)  CC7567  (talk) 07:44, 17 June 2009 (UTC)