Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Unidentified Trandoshan bounty hunter


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Unidentified Trandoshan bounty hunter

 * Nominated by: NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 17:08, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: I was going to put this up last night, but I forgot :P

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)
Support > QuiGonJinn (Talk) 14:39, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 1)  QuiGonJinn (Talk) 18:26, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) I sense a disturbance in the article
 * 2) * First of all, I think he should be called Unidentified Trandoshan bounty hunter. It is more specific than male.
 * 3) **I don't mind. Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 18:48, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * Intro: He was planning to capture the Senator Shayla Paige-Tarkin and give him over to the CIS in order to collect the large bounty on any Galactic Senate member but was intercepted by Commander Fox, the leader of a group of specially trained clone troopers that performed actions for the Senate called the Coruscant Guard This one is bit run-on and feels like the Coruscant Guard was the name of the Senate and not the group.
 * 5) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 21:31, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Same sentence. I'm not really fond of using acronyms ("CIS") in the articles. Change it to "the Confederacy" or "the Separatists".
 * 7) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 18:48, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * This Trandoshan bounty hunter, trying to capitalize on the large bounty for members of the Galactic Senate offered by the Confederacy of Independent Systems despite the fact that no one had ever succeeded, traveled to Coruscant, the Republic's capital planet, in an attempt to kidnap Senator Shayla Paige-Tarkin. This one is a run-on too. I suggest you to write a separate sentence about the bounty on the Senate members and start talking about the Trandoshan in the next one.
 * 9) **Reworded. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 21:31, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Although the first "this" is OK, I think that he should be called "the Trandoshan" after that.
 * 11) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 18:48, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) * Fox once again told him to surrender and noticed that he had begun looking at the edge of the building so he threatened to shoot the male out of the sky if he tried to use his jetpack again. Awkward. Please reword.
 * 13) **Reworded. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 18:48, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * May find more later... <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) The name in his infobox is incorrect on two counts. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 23:26, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:22, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) The clone
 * 4) * Please split up the bio by starting at least one new paragraph somewhere; right now, it's an unwieldy wall of text.
 * 5) * I would suggest running through the bio again; there are a lot of "he"s and uses of "his" that could apply to either the bounty hunter or Fox.
 * 6) **I think I got them all. --Naru
 * 7) * "The bounty hunter refused, squeezing the trigger of his gun, when Fox took advantage of the Trandoshan species' slow reaction time and shot the gun out of the alien's hands." The chronology here isn't working; also, reaction to what?
 * 8) **Fixed. --Naru
 * 9) * Please try not to use "so" as much as you do right now; it's often too colloquial for formal writing. I would suggest checking over the article again for this, but it's particularly the first few sentences of the bio that bug me, as well as here: "The bounty hunter knew that he had lost so he gave in and was taken into custody by the Guard."
 * 10) **Fixed. --Naru
 * 11) * "After his plan was discovered by Commander Fox, he showed that he was not very accurate with his blaster, though able to score some near hits, and slow on the trigger in general." Please reword this; it's too choppy.
 * 12) **Fixed --Naru
 * 13) * "but* he would surrender reluctantly if there was no chance of escape": this sounds like it's a trend, like he would do it every time he was put into this situation. It's only been known to happen once, so please reword it.
 * 14) **Reworded --Naru
 * 15) *Next time, I would suggest proofreading your articles more before nominating them; the "Biography" was instead "History", and there were several redirects in the article.  CC7567  (talk) 23:38, 2 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) * Please vary "though" in the P&T.  CC7567  (talk) 04:28, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:03, 14 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) Objections.
 * 19) * “This individual, a male Trandoshan bounty hunter, lived during the Clone Wars conflict between the Galactic Republic—the dominant galactic government of the time—and the Confederacy of Independent Systems, a group of separatists that seceded from the Republic.” – Not a good opening. Give something better as an encyclopaedic opening, not “this individual”.
 * 20) **Never mind; can't think of a better alternative. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  14:55, 7 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) ***How's this? NaruHina Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:19, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) * Another problem is that the “a male Trandoshan bounty hunter” doesn’t go well where it is.
 * 23) **Fixed with above. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:19, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) * It’s also a run on. I’d suggest starting from scratch with that part. Break it down and reword.
 * 25) **Is this better? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:19, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) * The introduction’s got a variety of tenses; sometimes it’s past, sometimes not. All to past, please.
 * 27) **Fixed, I believe. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:19, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * Go through the article and check all links possible are linked; “Senator”, for instance.
 * 29) * Way too much detail on the fight in the biography; cut down some.
 * 30) **How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:19, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) * “Commed” is too colloquial.
 * 32) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:48, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * “Clambering” is too colloquial.
 * 34) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:48, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) * If the source in question doesn’t specify that Trandoshans are naturally slow at firing or whatever, then you need a source for that.
 * 36) **That's what I took: "'T'doshok no surrender!' he howled as his clawed finger squeezed the trigger of his scatter gun. Good thing the Trandoshans are slow, I thought as I squeezed the trigger of my own blaster." to mean. I can change it if you think that isn't sufficient
 * 37) * “Pulled off” is too colloquial.
 * 38) **Fixed
 * 39) * Same source point for the slow fact in P&T.
 * 40) **Which I took from the same sentence as above. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:19, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) * Expand BtS somewhat, and same point as objection 1.
 * 42) **Fixed and expanded as much as I can think of (not much). NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:03, 14 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) *Those are my first objections. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  08:15, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) Attack of the Clone II
 * 45) * Please try to expand the intro. I know that the basic stuff is there, but what currently vexes me is that there's more context than information pertaining to the bounty hunter, and it's an unequal balance. Please do something about it.
 * 46) **Nevermind, it looks fine for now.  CC7567  (talk) 22:49, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) * The last sentence of the bio is too choppy, and I'm getting the feeling that you're trying to go for the "storybook" effect with a lot of pauses. Please don't.
 * 48) * Please vary one of the "carried" uses in the last paragraph of the P&T.  CC7567  (talk) 00:11, 19 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) Toprawa:
 * 50) * Please link "speeder" to something more specific, if we can. "Speeder" is only a disambig page: "he took shelter behind an old speeder." Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:56, 20 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) **The type of speeder is unspecified so I'm unsure which to link to. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:54, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) ***I've just gone ahead and linked it to airspeeder, which is most fitting with Coruscant. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:14, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) ***I've just gone ahead and linked it to airspeeder, which is most fitting with Coruscant. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:14, 21 July 2009 (UTC)

Comments > JangFett  Talk 18:37, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Added tag. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * Facepalm. How'd I forget that? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 21:31, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
 * I'll take another look later if I get the chance.  CC7567  (talk) 04:28, 8 July 2009 (UTC)

Vote to strike Darth tom's objections (AC only)

 * 1) Again, he's not coming back till the 31st, and at this point they appear to be fixed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:05, 20 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Toprawa and Ralltiir 02:27, 20 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:55, 20 July 2009 (UTC)