Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Vazus Mandrake


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Vazus Mandrake

 * Nominated by: Jinzler 19:50, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A Separatist soldier

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)
Support > JangFett  Talk 14:43, 25 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 1)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 17:07, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 20:28, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  JangFett  Talk 14:43, 25 June 2009 (UTC) > JangFett  Talk 20:09, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) Floyd:
 * 2) * Give more context on the end of the Clone Wars and the rise of the Empire.
 * 3) **Added --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * Source the BtS.
 * 5) **Added --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * "Mandrake was worried by this, as he believed that the trooper would report the village’s location to it’s superiors and so the Imperials would come and attack the Felucians." This sentence is rather awkwardly worded. Reword it.
 * 7) **Reworded --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "The agents agreed. They took the kybucks and rode off in pursuit of the speeder bike." Very choppy. Merge these two sentences together.
 * 9) **Reworded. I did this to make it seem more dramatic, but on rereviewing it, I can see that it failed. Miserably --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Any other quotes for P&T or the other sections?
 * 11) **No, unfortunately, there isn't --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) * The second section of the bio generally doesn't flow very well.
 * 13) **I have had a slight look at it, but I'm not quite sure what bits of it are causing the problem --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) *The prose is rather choppy and I think you should work on that, but nice job overall.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 20:02, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) **Back when I was at school, I think my English teacher would have agreed with you and this seems to be a problem that I have with all the noms that I do, so I will try to do the best I can to improve my writing style. If there are any further problems, then please let me know. --Jinzler 09:24, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) Fett's 2 cents/prelims
 * 17) * Check your head quote's source. Seeing a red link. Did you misspell the source or the page doesn't exist yet&mdash;new source?
 * 18) **This was a typo and AdmirableAckbar kindly delt with it --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * Missing tags in the infobox
 * 20) **Sorry, I forgot about these and have now added them --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * Missing quotes in the body&mdash;more specifically in his biography.
 * 22) **The source does not provide any more quotes --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * Intro can be cut down a little.
 * 24) **Done --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * Reorganize your main body sections. You begin with "==The Clone Wars" (Also missing dates. 22 BBY–19 BBY ), and then section introduces his early life. If you can rename that section to "Early Life" and then rename the next section to "The Clone Wars (With the dates)", then it should flow better. Under "The Clone Wars" you can add the subsection "===Life with the Felucians===".
 * 26) **I disagree. Dates aren't really necessary, as we don't know that he participated in the whole of the Clone Wars. Also I don't think that an early life section is necessary. All we know about his early like is that he was from Corulag, so it makes more sense to include this in the Clone Wars section, rather than give it a section of its own --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) ***Fett, I guessing that you still disagree with me, as you have struck all your other objections, except this one. While I appreciate your proposal, I do not consider it necessary and it could worsen the appearance of the article, so I will not implement it, unless someone from the AgiCorps backs you up on this --Jinzler 23:17, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) ****Oh no Jinzler, I looked at the article again about a week ago and forgot to strike this out. Sorry :) <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) *****I am very sorry, you are a great user and I should have known that it was something like this. I hope you accept my apology --Jinzler 09:20, 26 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *<span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) **Thank you for the review --Jinzler 09:23, 17 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Attack of the Clone
 * 3) * Any more quotes to be found?
 * 4) **Both Fett and Floyd have asked me this. The answer is no :) Jinzler 21:08, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) * In general, please consider scrapping at least some of the context you've included in the article. In multiple places, it disrupts sentence flow, and unless you deem it to be completely and utterly necessary, it doesn't need to be in there.
 * 6) **Yeah, I didn't want to get objections for not having enough context. I have removed some and I believe that all the context that is left is necessary. If you think I should remove some more, then let me know --Jinzler 21:08, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ***Context isn't always required, only when it's extremely necessary; it's been the subject of much recent dispute.  CC7567  (talk) 22:59, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * It sounds like there's too much on Skywalker and Palpatine; again, is this really necessary to Mandrake? Yes, the New Order had a direct effect on him, but not the two Sith persay.
 * 9) **I added this as Floyd said I didn't have enough context on the end of the Clone Wars and the Empire. However, I may have gone a bit over-the-top with it and I have now cut it down --Jinzler
 * 10) * There's a slight overuse of the word "he" throughout the article, even when it can apply to several different characters. Please go over the article again and check for clarity.  CC7567  (talk) 06:55, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) **I think I have removed it for all instances where who "he" is is uncertain. If you think havn't done this well enough, then again, let me know --Jinzler 21:08, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) * If there's enough information on it, his unit deserves an article, so it should at least be redlinked. Also, was it defined what kind of unit it was, i.e. a squadron, company, or something else?  CC7567  (talk) 22:59, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) **The source doesn't give any other information about his unit or specify what kind of unit it was, so I don't think there is enough info to warrant giving it an article of its own --Jinzler 23:17, 21 June 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this so far. I appreciate you taking time to look at it --Jinzler 21:08, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * I'll take another look over the article when I next get the chance.  CC7567  (talk) 23:23, 21 June 2009 (UTC)