Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Skirmish on Ambria


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Skirmish on Ambria

 * Nominated by: —Tommy9281 ( Safe harbor, my friend. ) 01:46, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Aside from the technical stuff (infoboxes, infobox refs, etc), I wrote this entire article from my cellphone. Open to thoughts/suggestions, as always.

(5 Inqs/0 User/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) It might need some tweaking, but I don't know much about the topic. Your body of work is beginning to impress, Tommy.  Master Aban Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:26, 16 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) *Much, much obliged, Master Fiolli. There will be others;) —Tommy ( Clean face and hands ) The Anvil 00:39, 16 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 3)  Greyman  @wikia ( Talk ) 02:16, 31 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 4)  Graestan ( Talk ) 02:08, 2 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) Toprawa and Ralltiir 17:05, 4 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) Thefourdotelipsis 15:11, 6 June 2008 (UTC)

Oppose
 * 1) Grass clippings:
 * 2) * Linking in the article is inconsistent. Every linkable item needs to be linked once in the intro and once in the article body. Please use CTRL+F in the edit window to find out what needs to be linked. I think A-3DO's first mention needs a pipelink, for example.
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * Image:BattleOfAmbria.jpg needs to be cropped at the top. Image:MeditativeCanyon3.jpg needs to be cropped at right.
 * 5) **Addressed.
 * 6) * Not so sure the time in relation to the Freedon Nadd Uprising is relevant, or at least relevant enough to put in the intro.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) * "for months now" is a step into another tense, and should probably be revised.
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * You should probably explain that Bogga thought of the crystals as his, initially, in order to avoid confusion later on.
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * "one must do a thing themselves" skips from singular to plural, and should be rephrased. Also, it would be easier and read better to speak of Bogga and not a hypothetical person in this sentence.
 * 13) **Addressed.
 * 14) * Not so sure Bogga and his men traveled to Ambria again in pursuit&mdash;please rephrase.
 * 15) **Addressed.
 * 16) * Again, "for several months now" steps out of the tense, and should be rephrased. Also, the beginning of this section reads somewhat redundantly with the beginning of the history.
 * 17) **Addressed.
 * 18) * Much of the Background describes events pertinent to Nomi's training, not the skirmish. Please remove all irrelevant material&mdash;that belongs in Nomi's article, Thon's perhaps, but not here.
 * 19) **Addressed.
 * 20) * As you shift between perspectives, you are changing the way we look at different events. Please revisit the first section of The battle, and rewrite it from an omniscient perspective. Honestly, I'd take a look at most of the article in this light.
 * 21) **Addressed.
 * 22) * Do we know these salvos were concussion missiles? If it is not stated specifically, please don't link to concussion missile in the article.
 * 23) **I could have sworn salvos didn't have its own article. Addressed.
 * 24) * "some time ago" is a change of tense.
 * 25) **Addressed.
 * 26) * "were loading" is, as well.
 * 27) **Addressed.
 * 28) * "either hold the crystals for Bogga or claim them for themselves &hellip; either ownership or stewardship" – This is redundant.
 * 29) **Addressed.
 * 30) * I'm not too keen on the usage of the quote amidst the prose.
 * 31) **Addressed.
 * 32) * "months ago" is outside the surrounding tense.
 * 33) **Addressed.
 * 34) * Again, the information in the Aftermath is largely irrelevant to the skirmish itself. Please revise, removing anything not pertinent to the conflict described in the title of the article.
 * 35) **Addressed, I think.
 * 36) * Graestan ( Talk ) 20:13, 24 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 37) **Thank you Graestan for looking. I believe everytihing has been handled satisfactorily. If anything else is required, please advise, thanks. —Tommy ( Clean face and hands ) The Anvil 04:34, 25 May 2008 (UTC)


 * 1) From the Merciless Hammer of Toprawa:
 * 2) * "Courageous" is POV. Please reword: "As a result of Sunrider's courageous actions"
 * 3) *Addressed.
 * 4) * The first sentence of the second "Background" section paragraph starts off immediately as PBP. You need to explain earlier that Bogga wanted the crystals and why. Do not rely on your introduction to tell the story for you. The intro and body is separate unto themselves.
 * 5) **Addressed, I believe.
 * 6) ***I reverted your change because you changed the wrong paragraph. Please readjust your source list. Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:38, 28 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) ****Addressed.
 * 8) * This is awkward introducing them as Weequays so late in the article. This description should accompany their initial introduction in the article: "The Weequay enforcers"
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * I'm not sure if it's appropriate to refer to as a Padawan. Pipelinking the article to "apprentice" is one thing, but this is different: "He again ordered his Padawan"
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * Maybe I missed this, but this is a bit off kilter without some context of this either happening earlier in the article, or an explanation of her doing this previously: "ordered her to exercise her natural ability with battle meditation, as she had done to protect her child."
 * 13) **Good catch. I believe I've newly addressed that in the first paragraph of the background section, towards the end.
 * 14) * Concerning the lead quote in the "A trial of courage" section, please tone down the bolding emphasis. Since this is your own interpretation of how it sounds, that's going a bit overboard.
 * 15) **Addressed.
 * 16) * Please specify who is announcing his findings. A bit unclear: "As he announced his findings, he was confronted by nearly every other member of the gang"
 * 17) **Addressed.
 * 18) * Please reword this cliche: "When the dust settled"
 * 19) **Addressed.
 * 20) * Please organize your source list by correct order. Toprawa and Ralltiir 05:42, 27 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) **Addressed. Thanks for the read Toprawa, let me know if there is anything else please. —Tommy ( Clean face and hands ) The Anvil 11:46, 27 May 2008 (UTC)
 * "In an attempt to steal the Adegan crystals in her possession, henchmen of the resident Hutt crime boss, Great Bogga, attacked Sunrider and Andur, resulting in her husband's premature death." - This could probably be more blunt, as in, tell us that he was killed by the henchmen.
 * Addressed.
 * "He was still without his Adegan crystals, the crystals that he had falsely claimed as his own, and earlier dispatched his pirate-minions to pilfer from the traveling Jedi man and his wife. His enforcers killed the Jedi, but returned empty-handed because the woman had taken up arms in retaliation." - You told us this earlier in the article, and while I see what you're doing, it becomes a bit too circuitous. It's probably best to reshuffle it so you present the facts in chronological order, without having to double back.
 * Addressed.
 * "Try as he may" is present tense. Thefourdotelipsis 05:28, 6 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Addressed. Thanks for looking, Master Fourdot. Anything else, you know where I'm at;) —Tommy ( There are no Jedi here ) 15:20, 6 June 2008 (UTC)

Comments
 * If I were you, Tommy, I'd just nominate this for FAN and forget about this nomination ;) Greyman  http://images.wikia.com/central/images/9/9c/Jan.png ( Talk ) 01:54, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Good work on this, but I wonder if it really qualifies as a battle? I would've thought "Skirmish on Ambria" or something would be a more suitable title. Thoughts? -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 06:55, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Moved, per Greyman's  suggestion. Also moved, per AdmirableAckbar's suggestion. —Tommy9281 ( Safe harbor, my friend. ) 14:50, 7 May 2008 (UTC)