User:Maaul

Episode I:The Phantom Bovine
Do to a rather horrific encounter with an undiscovered asteroid field during my run through the Ison Trade Corridor, my personal vessel, The Spectral Guardian, was blasted off course into an unknown sector. When my vehical landed, I was greeted/attacked by a non-sentient meatbag with tremendous ears and some what of a country accent. He was a minor loss. After "returning the kind greeting", the organics worshiped me for, "R2l;ej[}mf<" (Freeing them from the lies of "The Bush".) I became their leader without any (important) casualities.

These "Earthlings" are not as primitive as I was lead to thought; one of their slugthrowers was compatable with my prototype weapons.(Creating the Westar AK-47 twin dual dallorian alloy blasters.) After amassing their military forces into a more advanced, more efficient defense, I proceeded to kill my enemies, the only ones that posed a threat to my reign of power.

I quickly proceeded to seek out and destroy the only one capable of posing a threat: Darth Cow. I built a fleet for the meatba...I mean, loyal subjects, allowing return to the GFFA. I found the diabolical livestock on the Death Star III.(You would think the imperial money records would show a reason not to build another...) We engaged in an epic duel that lasted, what day is today? Monday...Tuesday...about 3 seconds. The sinister herbivore would spare me if I turned to the dark side.

I had no choice...

I thought, being a droid, that I could withstand the allure of the dark side;I was terribly wrong. I originally intended to conquer the Galaxy, then turn on my master/captor, but I fell nontheless.

Together, we conquered the Galaxy.(without the help of the new, new Death Star, which, like the others, was a piece of crap that exploded because the solar powered coffee machine was overused, no thanks to those lazy freeloader imperials...) For a celebration, we went back to Earth and threw a wild, world-wide party. The m...loyal subjects don't speak Galactic Basic, so they didn't know we were evil. (The meat subjects accually made the party more entertaining, especially when the drunk one launched himself out of a turbolaser!)



But one human was different, she understood Galactic Basic. Her name was KR.(What WEIRD names meatbags have...) She questioned why I was helping Darth Cow. I was about to force choke her, but her words made me realize that I really was on the wrong side. The emotions I felt were unnatural for my assasination programming; something I later realized was a combination of guilt, remorse, anger, and love. I knew I couldn't turn Darth Cow from the dark side, so after a long, bloody, and painful stern talking to, I convinced him to conquer some other place instead of these two Galaxies. Pluto never stood a chance...but at least Earth and the GFFA were both safe. For doing such a good deed, the force granted my greatest wish:

being human.

After returning to the light side, KR and I engaged in an unnessasarily/unreasonably long kiss. We were married and lived happily ever after. Well, happily until we hade to save Darth Cow from severe food poisoning in all four of his stomaches, but, that's another story.

Episode II:Attack of the Sticks and Twigs
I didn't like the clones, so I killed everyone and rigged the cloning facillaty with detpacks.(Yes, I destoyed Mike Kazz in the process, so it was a double win situation.) The clones that I didn't destroy, well...



I decided to amass a more effective army, out of sticks and twigs, when Darth Cow came bursting through the door. He was scared and burned by some sort of lightning.

It was M...m...Mike Kazz...uggg...

''But HE was the cloning facility!(his infobox said so!) I should have destroyed him already! He's a sith AND a liar?!!!!!''

At this point, I was really ticked, so I got everyone ready for the plan. While I would go on The Spectral Guardian to ambush Mike Kazz, while KR would come to help me attack and also keep me company on the long ride there so I wouldn't get lonely. When we arrived, we were attacked by clones. He really WAS the cloning facility! We would have to fight our way through! It didn't take long though, because KR used a blaster and a lightsaber. But Mike himself was different. He had a double-bladed pink lightsaber.(OK, purple! Pink, purple, what's the difference?! They're both not boy colors!) HE was the one that burned Darth Cow with force lightning! At just the right moment, DarkShroud arrived with help from an old enemy: Darth Cow. Though mysterious, the figure offered to help vanquished the foe. Even with 4 against 1, the battle was still in his control. But DarkShroud hit the lightsaber hilt, causing one of the blades to stop working. The sheer force of the blow blew back DarkShroud's hood. It turned out that he was an ancient survivor of the Great Jedi Purge over 100 years ago! Apparently, the two had a "unique" past together. Mike_Kazz had died at the hands of the jedi master a long time ago! He was none other than a force ghost! Cunsumed with anger and hate, the spector ignited the remaining blade, filling the room with purple light. He lunged at the jedi master. His last words echo in my head to this day:

''You were like a son to me, young one; know that I will always be supporting you, son. Sayanora, and may the force be with you.''



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was then I knew, Mike Kazz could not be allowed to live. I brought my Stick and twig army into action that day, and ordered an orbital bombardment of wherever it was where we fought. Luckily, Bobo wasn't harmed...but I lost a father figure. I need a hug! KR! Where did you go! I need a hug!

Episode III:Revenge of the...Something or Other...
The stick wars have NOT just begun, they've been going on for quite a while, I just havn't been talking about it. After suffering many losses, I decided that instead of fighting a war with inanimate objects, I would fight a war with 2D non-inanimate objects, thus creating the grand army of stickfigures! I've got to follow the story now and have a space battle.



Ow...that Lucas can really punch...OH! You're still here?! Sorry. Anyway, Darth Cow, KR and I were still searching for Mike Kazz. We tracked him down to, some place with a name that rhymes with Utopau. When we landed, he had already escaped, but he left his apprentice, the ultimate manifestaion of evil...



This is one battle I don't think we can win...

(Natalie Portman runs on stage and smacks me in face.)

That's MY line, witch is ALSO copyrighted, slimeball!

After healing from my major concussion, I proceded to battle. This one was fast; in one feel swoop, he/she damaged the hilt on Darth Cow's lightsaber and destoyed KR's blaster. At this point,Darth Cow was on the ground, crawling for life. He was backed into a corner by the killer...

Barney loves you, huh-HUH!

No...not again...NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

I leaped forward, making quick work of... a local too stupid to stay far away from the battle. I had given away my position; it was all over... I closed my eyes. A loud clank. I looked down and the villan's blade was TOUCHING ME! But I wasn't dead. I was blue! I was one with the force! (Similair to Jacen Solo almost 150 years earlier!) I was invincible! The fiend was decapitated within a second. I had power, and it felt good! I had the power I once had! The power to conquer! I was overlord once again! I felt like nothing could bring me down, until I saw the way KR looked at me. Like she didn't know me. I was alone.

I had to accept responsibilities for my actions. I seached for Kazz everywhere until I lead him to reveal himself to me. The final confrontation on Pluto's moon, Charion, was about to begin. He used Charion as a base to get close to Darth Cow's empire and destroy it from within. We both egnited our blades, and it began no later than that. Blow after blow, even with his 2 blades and my connection with the force, we were evenly matched. I knew neither of us would win without intervention, so when The Spectral Guardian arrived, I took advantage of it. I severed the sith's hand and followed through with a jab to the chest, but it was far from over. Kazz hurled a massive amount of force lightning toward the moon's core, just when my friends got out. The moon was going to explode and kill us all! I couldn't let that happen! There wasn't much time; I had to get to Kazz before he escaped! I told everyone that they had to leave then and there, so I gave Darth Cow my lightsaber, and appologized to KR,and embraced her, one final time. The Spectral Guardian got out just in time. As Charion exploded, The ship blasted into hyperspace...



Episode IV:A New Time
It has been 5 years since the battle of Charion, and no one in the SpecGuard could get over the loss of their fallen comrade. The worst part was, no one knew if Maaul was alive when they were leaving or if they could of saved him, but all they had to remember him by was his red and green lightsabers.(Even WORSE was that it made them think of Christmas! That was the day he died!...I think...) But the second worst off was DarkShroud, since the force was having technical difficulties and he had to be sent back to the living people, so he had no idea what was going on. WORST off was KR, cause she was lonely, in denial, and had food poisoning from fish tacos. The one thing they all wanted was an adventure. For old times sake and to remind them of Maaul. The only problem was that none of them actually beleived that another adventure would happen soon. What they didn't know was that they soon would all be jetisoned into an adventure of galactic proportions, where they will meet new friends, obtain new foes, and babysit a monkey named Bimbo.

Out of nowhere, The Death Star 4 came to fire on The Spectral Guardian, but it missed. (Mostly because it has the word "Death Star" in the name.) The SpecGuard crew was forced to attack it, aiming for the exhaust port. The problem was that they missed and caused an explosion that ripped apart the very fabric of time and space. They got launched to a different time and whatnot, the usual. Not something you don't see everyday. Anyway, they ended up in the middle of the Clone Wars! We were in the center of the battle of nowhere of any strategic importance! (The most important battle in the war!) When all seemed over, and Lasers were grazing their heads, who showed up but the famous ancient war heros, Beta Squad! They were able to find shelter, but they were flanked by droids. The fighting seemed over...



MOVE!MOVE!

Kando got them out just in time! A whole, no, 1/5 of a droideka squadron let out a devistating barrage of laserfire.

OPEN FIRE!

Kyr'am, the squad leader, gave orders to blast the droids out of the sky, but they were soon outnumbered. Suddenly, a flash of white light pierced the sky! Beta Squad and the SpecGuards had turned into poorly animated stickfigueres, yet nothing else was! They soon found out though, the the flash was caused by a stickfiguere! The mysterious gold-sabered jedi literally tore through the droids!



No one quite knew who the low-budget stranger was. But something was suspicious.

''It's like I've known all of you before; you are all very familiar... You're like the people from my dreams, I feel like I know you.''

Don't trust him, this seems like sour milk.

You MAKE sour milk and we trust you.

Nobody asked you DarkShroud!

They quickly became fast friends, but for some strange reason, everyone, including Beta Squad was sucked back into the future because the special effects machine broke. Yet, even in their own time, they still had stickfigure appearances.

I don't trust him.

''KR, sooner or later you're going to have to give up on Maaul returning. I know it's hard, we've all had to forget, but the thing is...''

''SHUT UP!!! HE'LL COME BACK!!! I KNOW HE WILL!!!''

''Poor thing, you. You took the loss hardest. I'm sorry...''

Sob sob sob sob

''KR! COW! Focus! We have to destroy that fourth Death Star! Concentrate!''

Sniff sniff, OK, I'll try...

This mystery isn't solved yet, so tune in next time for ANOTHER episode of Star Maaul! No need to yell. OW! Don't throw things! W-wait! Put me down! What are you doing??!! That river's not saf--AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!Blub...blub....blub.....blub.......blub...............

Announcement
Do to the sad death of our announcer, we won't be continuing Star Maaul anymore. We are very sorry for the inconveniance...uh, don't do drugs...yeah...

The End
[Insert Credits Here]

Contibutions and Friends


info:Probably my greatest contibution to the cause EVER.
 * Gallery of Durge Images

info:First ever artical; small, but still a start.
 * Reptomammals

info:He's a cow, AND a sith. You don't get cooler than that.
 * Darth Cow

info:Awesome clone trooper fan.
 * RC-1187