Wookieepedia:Comprehensive article nominations/Battle of Metalorn (Imperial Period)


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a comprehensive article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Battle of Metalorn (Imperial Period)

 * Nominated by: 501st  dogma ( talk ) 18:49, June 19, 2012 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Another for Warfare

(1 ECs/3 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) Seems a little run-onish, but maybe that's just me. Good job. Cade   Calrayn  StupidRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit.svg 23:25, June 19, 2012 (UTC)
 * 2) *If so, I should probaly split up Siege of Sy Myrth, as its even more run-onish :) 501st  dogma ( talk ) 23:28, June 19, 2012 (UTC)
 * 3) NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:40, June 25, 2012 (UTC)
 * 4)  Exiled Jedi  Oldrepublic crest.svg  (Greetings)  22:48, June 30, 2012 (UTC)
 * 5) ' ℬiggestℒeo ' (ℳeeting ℛoom) 23:59, July 14, 2012 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Rubedo
 * 2) * "It was part of the Sy Myrthian Insurrection, when Imperial forces attempted to drive the remnants of the Condeferate army out of the regions of Sy Myrth and the Kreetan Narrows after the Confederate's defeat during the Clone Wars at the hands of the Galactic Republic, which had become the Empire after the Clone Wars." This is a run-on in the grammatically incorrect sense, an appositive within an appositive. You do have to reword it.
 * 3) **Done. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 12:37, June 25, 2012 (UTC)
 * 4) * Sy Myrth is a planet, not a region like the Narrows, so the context there doesn't work. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:40, June 25, 2012 (UTC)
 * 5) **Better? 501st  dogma ( talk ) 12:37, June 25, 2012 (UTC)
 * 6) ***This way, the Narrows now have no context.
 * 7) ****Fixed.
 * 8) * You mention this was after the Battle of Diado in this article, but not in the Diado article. Furthermore, in the Metalorn battle article, you don't mention that was followed by the Siege of Sy Myrth. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 17:01, June 25, 2012 (UTC)
 * 9) **Remedied in both.
 * 10) * "It was part of the Sy Myrthian Insurrection, when Imperial forces attempted to drive the remnants of the Condeferate army out of the regions of Sy Myrth and the Kreetan Narrows after the Confederate's defeat during the Clone Wars at the hands of the Galactic Republic, which had become the Empire after the Clone Wars." While we're talking about the Battle of Diado: grammatically incorrect run-on. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 17:01, June 25, 2012 (UTC)
 * 11) **Fixed.

Comments
 * Just a tip, since I write articles like this frequenntly, you're too married to these phrase positions. I don't like the rewording rule, myself, but so long as it's going to be enforced with votes... Diado, Metalorn, and Sy Myrth are virtually identically constructed. You introduce the battle as between the Empire (Formerly the Republic!) and CIS holdouts, then explain the Sy Myrth Insurrection using virtually the same nested appositive, then say the 12 was involved. Try shifting around the order of those basic pieces at least. How about introducing the battle, then have the next sentence bring in the 12th and Dodonna? This allows for a lead-in, probably within that same sentence, for the Empire that triumphed against the CIS in the Clone Wars as the Republic. Holdouts were at Metalorn, hence the battle was fought. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 17:01, June 25, 2012 (UTC)
 * I've reworded Metalorn. I'll have to do that a bit to Siege as well. Thanks for the review. 501st  dogma ( talk ) 18:03, June 25, 2012 (UTC)