Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Shedao Shai

Shedao Shai

 * Nominated by: Harrar 00:03, 7 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Yes, it’s the 40th nomination, it’s another character, and it probably won’t pass for ages. But his article was a pitiful 264 words long, he’s important, and Stackpole gave a lot of info! So here goes&mdash;enjoy (hopefully). My next nom will break my character trend, I promise&hellip;

(6 Inqs/2 Users/8 Total)
Support
 * 1) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 12:30, 15 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 2)  Greyman ( Talk ) 17:21, 18 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Glutton for punishment.  Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 14:59, 24 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) NaruHina ''' Talk [[Image:Anakinsolo.png|20px]] 03:17, 29 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 5)  Master Aban Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:22, 30 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) Character, sure, but Vong are underrepresented; spell-checked Enochf 18:23, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) Imperialles 05:29, 19 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) Toprawa and Ralltiir 14:38, 19 July 2008 (UTC)

Oppose
 * 1) From the embrace of Ackbar:
 * 2) *" in which he expunged himself of any taint, wrapped in the tendrils of the torture device for hours, watching over the relics of his ancestors as he contorted his limbs in agony" -- this reads more like a narrative. Perhaps reword it with less narrative-y terms.
 * 3) **It's been neutered. Have a look and see what you think
 * 4) * Could you try maybe cutting down some of "duel and death?" It seems a bit over-detailed/play-by-play.
 * 5) **Guilty as charged. I took out a lot of the fluff&mdash;peruse at your leisure
 * 6) **Other than that, good work, if a tiny bit over-detailed in places. Keep up the good work :-) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 11:51, 15 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) ***Thanks&mdash;I know it is a bit too detailed but Stackpole's plot and character development seemed to demand it. I'll trim back more next time. Harrar 12:18, 15 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) From the desk of Atarumaster88
 * 9) * Is this Lian individual an intendant or a warrior? He's described as a bureaucrat, but he's also listed as a military leader. Please clarify.
 * 10) **A warrior, I was being unclear.
 * 11) * The mention of Thrawn is awkward at best. Please reword this.
 * 12) **It's relevant enough to be included, so I've changed the voice. See what you think, I'm happy to change it again if it's still off.
 * 13) ***The biggest issue was that "Chiss Imperial Grand Admiral" was far too long of a title, which you've fixed. ;-) Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 14:10, 24 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) * You state that Shai ordered all those with knowledge of Bafforr pollen be killed, but earlier you stated that Lian already informed his superior that he had done so. Please clarify.
 * 15) **They were first isolated by Lian and interned, and Shai then orders them killed. Made this clearer
 * 16) * Also, "bafforr pollen" shouldn't be capitalized.
 * 17) **Not certain about this, especially since Acky already capitalized them all. What's the consensus?
 * 18) ***A check of Dark Tide II reveals that it is kept lower case in each instance. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 14:10, 24 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) ****My bad; I was going by the capitalization in the bafforr article. Now fixed. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 14:57, 24 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 20) * More details on why the capsule could only be opened by Horn, please.
 * 21) **A little addition on the blood sample that was needed. Have a gander
 * 22) * You might want to be a little more clearer that Shai left Horn a message on his villip, or whatever. It's not atm.
 * 23) **How about now?
 * 24) *Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 22:13, 23 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 25) **Thanks, and thanks for the review. Harrar 23:55, 23 June 2008 (UTC)
 * 26) Toprawa:
 * 27) * The "Discovery and challenge" section is kind of humongous. Can you break it up at all into another section? Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:23, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 28) **We now have a new section. The quotation is perhaps lacking, but it's the best I can find.
 * 29) * You need to specify in the first section that his grandfather did indeed die. "His sacrifice" doesn't do enough, I feel.
 * 30) *"His sacrifice, and eventual death" &mdash; does that work?
 * 31) * I'm confused, so his warrior subordinate's name is Domain Lah? I thought that was the group he was from? "The commander did not find his new subordinate agreeable, often berating and physically attacking Lian"
 * 32) **Should have clarified. His subordinate is Deign Lian, but I never made that clear. I added the name now.
 * 33) * You shouldn't be referring to things that haven't even chronologically taken place, assuming the reader knows what this is. Please remove this foreshadowing and rewrite: "This hidden partnership would ultimately play its part in Shai's downfall at Ithor; until then, however, the commander dominated Lian"
 * 34) **It was an attempt to avoid play-by-play, which I already suspect seems rife in the article. I excised it; I suppose we're telling the facts, not the story.
 * 35) * The second paragraph of the first section needs to be broken up into another paragraph. I'll let you decide where you want to make the cut, though I will recommend the sentence beginning "Aboard the Kor Chokk..." as the first sentence of the new paragraph. Toprawa and Ralltiir 21:20, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 36) **I rent it in two, where you suggested.
 * 37) *Finally, Top (and thanks again for the review), if you have any general concerns about my overall style, don't hesitate to let me know. For some reason, this article doesn't quite sit well with me, which is a shame. If there are any pointers, that be cool and just drop me a line on my talk page. Harrar 14:46, 7 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 38) * I really dislike that you took out that huge bit in the BTS. It was good stuff. I know the link is dead, but there's nothing else you can do to work around that to salvage the info? Toprawa and Ralltiir 13:41, 19 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 39) **Consider me motivated. I managed to retrieve it, and the link works! There we go. Harrar 14:26, 19 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 40) ***Good work. Toprawa and Ralltiir 14:38, 19 July 2008 (UTC)

Comments


 * To me, the last sentence in the BtS doesn't really seem necessary. If you think otherwise, that's cool, but I think if you're going to have it, then there should be some substance to it. Just a suggestion, Greyman  @wikia ( Talk ) 00:34, 7 June 2008 (UTC)
 * No, you're right. I think I was trying to suggest that he was a large part of the series, but that's pretty obvious from his mentions and the article anyway. Harrar 09:24, 7 June 2008 (UTC)
 * "My next nom will break my character trend, I promise&hellip;" You're going to FA the Yuuzhan Vong War? Great idea Harrar! :p --Eyrezer 02:08, 7 June 2008 (UTC)
 * Well I was thinking of the Battle of Dantooine first, but yeh, the Yuuzhan Vong War is the dream goal! Harrar 09:24, 7 June 2008 (UTC)