Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Jorad


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Jorad

 * Nominated by: Jinzler 22:50, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: a typical Jedi-turned-Dark-Side-Adept

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 18:18, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:15, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Good work; sorry about the confusion :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:11, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  11:26, 31 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Good work. Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:15, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 14:26, 11 June 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "He was captured by members of the Inquisitorius, a group of Dark Side Adepts who served the Galactic Empire, a galactic government that had succeeded the Republic." Context builds off of each other way too much; please remove one. The Empire would be the more likely one, as it's rather self-contextualizing.
 * 3) **Fixed --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***"Perform his duties" and "perform his role" are both a bit awkward word choice. The first sound like he did chores, while the second is just a bit awkward. Please see if you can reword.  CC7567  (talk) 15:41, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****I have rewrote both of them, but I slightly disagree with your logic. Inquisitors were essentially glorified errand boys for Palpatine --Jinzler 17:01, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *****I'm not sure; it gave me the sense that in doing chores, they didn't enjoy what they did. I wasn't sure of this, so I'm striking it, but feel free to change it back if you wish; it was just rather awkward wording.  CC7567  (talk) 18:18, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * "Jorad was assigned to serve his masters": issue in both the intro and the body; it previously stated that he became an Inquisitor, and that implies that he held equal rank instead of being a subordinate. Please clarify.
 * 8) **Rephrased --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * "'Jorad was able to evade death": bit awkward wording; sounds like he was trying to prevent dying a natural death or become immortal. Please reword.
 * 10) **Rephrased --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "but was eventually captured by members of the Inquisitorius, an order of Dark Side Adepts who served the Galactic Empire, the Republic's successor government, as Jedi hunters." Same context issue as before; please smooth out flow.
 * 12) **Fixed --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) * CC7567  (talk) 23:11, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) Soresu
 * 15) * I wouldn't call Palpatine ruler of the Republic. More like head.
 * 16) **Rephrased --Jinzler 09:40, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * It could probably be made more clear that the Republic was destroyed and the Galactic Empire became its successor. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:09, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Clarified --Jinzler 09:40, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) The Grand Master
 * 20) * "Following the declaration of Order 66, an order that called for the execution of the Jedi, many Jedi were killed and the Galactic Empire, the Republic's successor government, began hunting down the survivors." This is long/awkward, please reword.
 * 21) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) * In the middle part of the intro, you use "became" several times. Please reword.
 * 23) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) * "When a team of Alderaanian Resistance agents traveled to Prakith to free Jedi Master Denia, who had been captured by the Inquisitorius, Jorad located the agents in Prak City, and engaged them in combat and attempted to capture them." The second "and" is a little awkward. Please reword.
 * 25) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) * "Jorad was able to survive the resulting purge, that was implemented by the Galactic Empire, a galactic governement that had replaced the Republic." Also awkward, please reword.
 * 27) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * "His role there was to patrol Prak City, the planet's capital city, to locate any Force-users there, so that they could be taken to the Citadel Inquisitorius, the headquarters of the Inquisitorius, for questioning." This is somewhat of a run-on. Break it up or reword.
 * 29) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) ***I don't wish to sound rude Jon, as I appreciate you taking time to review this article, but does you lack of striking of this objection mean that you do not believe I have adequately delt with it? --Jinzler 22:43, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ****Yeah, that part was fine; it's just the new wording is also slightly awkward (see below). Do you want me to fix it? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *** "After finding any, he would take them&hellip;" This is a little awkward now. Please reword. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:15, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) ****Hopefully, it sounds better now --Jinzler 23:06, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * "He was bilingual and in addition to Basic, he could also speak Bocce." Grammar issue; please fix.
 * 35) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * You state several of his combat techniques in the P&t section; they should be moved to Powers and abilites.
 * 37) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:02, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jujiggum ) 01:26, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

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