Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Demetrius Zaarin


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Demetrius Zaarin

 * Nominated by: Thefourdotelipsis 11:21, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Finally got around to finishing it. Don't click the links if you don't want to be disappointed.

(7 Inqs/0 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Green Tentacle (Talk) 17:19, 19 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 2)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  12:34, 20 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 21:24, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 4)  Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 16:46, 14 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) I clicked and found this masterpiece. :p --Eyrezer 19:05, 25 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Eleven OGG files. NOW it's done. --  Darth Culator  (Talk) 01:59, 30 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:12, 3 October 2008 (UTC)

Oppose
 * 1) From the Chron-O-John of Green Tentacle:
 * 2) * Sparring with the alien Grand Admiral: First paragraph had the Rahmat destroyed twice. Should the second be the Strident?
 * 3) **Not sure that the Stridents destruction is an objective, so I've just left it as the convoy being captured.
 * 4) * How about another quote in there somewhere? Something from the Strategy Guide maybe. A spoken version of the lead quote wouldn't go amiss either. Green Tentacle (Talk) 20:57, 9 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) **Got another quote in there from the Strategy Guide. I'll try and get the spoken quote later. Thefourdotelipsis 01:57, 11 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) ***Turns out the file's already on the site. A little longer than the quote, but I'll leave you to trim it. Green Tentacle (Talk) 17:19, 19 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) I don't get the stuff about his rank. He's a Grand Admiral, then an admiral. Some clarification would be nice. My apologies if I missed it.  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  22:43, 19 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) *I've tried to explain this in the BTS; he's a Grand Admiral, but since he launches a coup, he can't actually hold that rank anymore, since he's not a part of the circle of 12. However, IU, he's never referred to as "Grand Admiral," just "Admiral." So, post coup, he'd just be "Admiral." Thefourdotelipsis 01:40, 20 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) **That's what I figured from the BTS and the article. Thanks!  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 12:34, 20 July 2008 (UTC)
 * 10) From the underwater moffship of AdmirableAckbar:
 * 11) *" Died: 4 ABY (38)." This 38 is before reSyncronization, right? A "brS" should probably be stuck in there with a link for people who don't know what the number means (e.g. most people :-P) so's they don't think it's his age or anything.
 * 12) **Added.
 * 13) ***And I've taken it back out again. 4 ABY is after the Great ReSynchronization so BrS is not applicable. Dates after that don't have any trailing characters. Green Tentacle (Talk) 11:48, 10 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) ****Ah. Sorry about that. Seems odd it isn't ArS or something (though maybe they avoided that acronym for a reason). I've pipelinked the number to Great ReSynchronization. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 19:41, 10 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) * The intro implies that his traitorous thoughts began to form after the Habeen incident, while the bio differs. A slight change to that sentence in the intro should sort it; e.g. "at some point in his career, he had become..." or some such, assuming the order in the bio is correct.
 * 16) **Weaseled out of. :P
 * 17) * "As soon as he had possession of the hyperdrive technology, Zaarin sent it to his technicians and scientists" &mdash;were these on his ship, or where? Please clarify.
 * 18) **The previous sentence says "and the freighters were free to dock with the Shamus, transferring over their technology into Imperial hands." Was that the point of contention...I'm a touch confused.
 * 19) ***Upon further inspection, I'm not really sure what my problem was.
 * 20) * "The operation was a success, but whether or not the Nharwaak still possessed the technology, perhaps hidden at another location, was yet to be seen" &mdash; I'm not liking this sentence. I'd like to either go completely, be altered to loosely be from Zaarin's POV, or else for you to just state outright that they still possessed it.
 * 21) **That was direct from the game. In hindsight, though, it's not needed, so it's gone.
 * 22) * "His scientists and technicians drastically redesigned the standard TIE, and were able to create prototypes of the new TIE Defender" -- I'd like to see a brief explanation of what the new fighter could do/how it differed from the last, either here or earlier.
 * 23) **Rather cheaply elaborated on, do tell if it needs more though. :P
 * 24) ***It'll do. Maybe pipelink "heavily armed" into some sort of weapon, if that's appropriate.
 * 25) * Would it be possible to merge the one-paragraph section with the above one with a slight alteration to its title? It looks odd as is.
 * 26) **The TIE Experimental one? Normally I'd refrain from doing that, but the method to that particular madness was that they're under a "Projects" subheader, and in a way, Zaarin's early bio is almost like a reeling off of his various projects, one per section. If you think it's a major issue though, I'll relent. Thefourdotelipsis 01:35, 10 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 27) ***No, your reasoning makes sense. It would look much better with a quote under the section title, though.
 * 28) * Any chance of a few more quotes?
 * 29) **Bunged a couple in...I'm not a huge fan of them, though. Thefourdotelipsis 00:43, 29 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 30) * Channeling Ataru here: try to avoid using the word "decimated" unless it's definitively stated in the source.
 * 31) **That whole "1/10th" thing has been outmoded. :P Besides, any number of Star Wars works (TIE included, if memory serves) throw the word about willy-nilly. Thefourdotelipsis 02:15, 16 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 32) ***Blame Ataru. :-) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 21:35, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 33) * If you already haven't, you might want to check the original Gamer draft of Who's Who that is currently circulating. If you don't have a copy, I can send you one; I know Hydro and Darth Culator also have copies. It would probably also be prudent to search for any BtS info given by Abel or Dan about his Who's Who appearance, and his first name, if its available. jSarek, and obviously Google may be able to help you on that front.
 * 34) **The draft doesn't contain anything unique. Thefourdotelipsis 00:31, 29 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 35) ***And there doesn't seem to be anything else (at least, that I can find) in the way of BTS info. Thefourdotelipsis 09:49, 2 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 36) ** I still have the last two sections and the appendices to read. Excellent work, and mostly a really interesting article. It's blindingly obvious it's all from a game though, and a bit heavy in parts. Not your fault, though. I'm yearning to play TIE fighter now, too. :-) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 20:19, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 37) From the Desk of Atarumaster88
 * 38) * "but they were thwarted by reinforcements by Lord Darth Vader and Vice Admiral Thrawn" Reword the prepositions around reinforcements; reads awkwardly.
 * 39) **Fixed.
 * 40) * "One of the earlier projects that Zaarin had been involved with was the Vorknkx Project, " This should be ordered chronologically in the article.
 * 41) **It is placed chronologically. I would have said "Amongst the first of Zaarin's projects," but we don't know that.
 * 42) ***I've never played TIE Fighter, so I wouldn't know, but is the project listed before he got the station? It seems to imply that from the article. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 02:37, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 43) ****That's not stated. At any rate, the current wording could mean both. Depends on how you choose to read it. Since we don't really know, I think it's neutral enough as is. Thefourdotelipsis 01:07, 12 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 44) * 2nd paragraph of TIE Advanced development needs more syntax variety; lots of short sentences there.
 * 45) **Merged two of the sentences...need some more specifics on that one.
 * 46) ***It's better. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 02:37, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 47) * " before Crundha urgently summoned Zaarin." Some context here would be good.
 * 48) **There's no direct context in the book, unfortunately. It could be in relation to the coup, could be in relation to the next mission.
 * 49) ***I tried to reword it some; change it back if it looks bad or isn't correct. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 02:37, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 50) * "was a loyalist" Loyalist to whom?
 * 51) **Clarified.
 * 52) * "The Grand Admiral was ordered to lead an attack on Galactic Electronics, and was to recover the mag pulse technology, seize all personnel, and destroy their base." Awkward wording here.
 * 53) **Retooled.
 * 54) * Some times you italicize coup, some times you don't. Pick one.
 * 55) **Done. Thefourdotelipsis 23:21, 8 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 56) *A Wikia slowdown is occurring. Regardless, I just finished Omar bombings and will hopefully finish this in a couple days. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 18:43, 8 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 57) * "Darth Vader taked Zaarin " Verbage?</s.
 * 58) **Magically fixed by Toprawa. It was missing a letter. :P
 * 59) *"Thrawn's forces subsequently set up a trap" Contextify the trap bit, please.
 * 60) **I think that's info for the Battle of Kilimaar article...the fact that there was a trap is already one step beyond Zaarin's story, and I'd rather not take the next one.
 * ", interdictor Red Claw," Should there be capitalization here? I'd fix it, but I'm not familiar with Imperial nomenclature.
 * 1) **Not using it as a specific ship class in this instance (I find it becomes tiresome and unwieldy), rather, I'm using it as a ship type for clarification.
 * 2) * " the destroyer Grey Wolf" Similar to above.
 * 3) **Same thing here.
 * 4) * "Yet another convoy of Missile Boats was apparently to be traveling through the Semag system, this time carrying real units." This doesn't transition well from the previous paragraph; please reword it a mite, and the yet another is repetitive considering the next sentence.
 * 5) **Ditched the "to be." Thefourdotelipsis 00:46, 13 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) * "Although he had initially failed to capture the Vorknkx, Zaarin was far from being defeated." This is a bit flowery.
 * 7) **Rewritten.
 * 8) *" The evidence of Zaarin's folly, however, soon became evident" Far too flowery, and poorly worded.
 * 9) **Is it? I'm not sure that it is...do you have a recommendation for a replacement?
 * 10) ***I guess my biggest complaint with the sentence is the "evidence . . . evident" wording. If that was changed I would be happy. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 16:32, 12 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) ****Ah. That is bad. :P Tweaked. Thefourdotelipsis 00:46, 13 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) * "Demetrius Zaarin would be reviled for his actions made late in life" Reviled by whom?
 * 13) **Clarified.
 * 14) * P&T needs resorted. The paragraphs are composed of loose sentences with little relation to one another. Use one for his fix for tech, use one for his feelings towards his fellow officers, Thrawn, Chundra, etc, and so on.
 * 15) **Juggled.
 * 16) *Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88  [[Image:Jedi_Order.svg|20px]] ( Talk page ) 02:37, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 17) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 01:07, 12 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 18) Toprawa:
 * 19) * This Nexus links to a completely different ship. Please rectify: "Imperial diplomats were dispatched aboard the shuttle Nexus"
 * 20) **Fixed.
 * 21) * As does Fairfax: "while Habeen diplomats set out in the Fairfax"
 * 22) **Gah. Disgraceful. Fixed.
 * 23) * I'm confused here. What starfighter model? A successor to the project he just completed? "a successor to the starfighter model"
 * 24) **"With the TIE Advanced project complete, Zaarin dedicated his resources to creating a successor to the starfighter model." - The TIE Advanced.
 * 25) * Zaarin's developments are not Imperial matters? I'd like a better description here, please: "cared initially only for Stele's opinions on Imperial matters"
 * 26) **Fixed.
 * 27) * This implies to me that Steele was a bit skeptical of Zaarin. Can we do a little bit more to spell this out? "Stele was careful in his wording, however, claiming that since Zaarin was an admiral in the Imperial Navy, he would serve him absolutely."
 * 28) **In what regard? The scene plays out from Stele's perspective, so it's a little hard to gauge what's going on with Zaarin.
 * 29) ***I think you may have misread my objection. I'm looking for a bit more on what Steele was thinking. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:11, 14 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 30) * I would like to see a little bit explaining the significance of what beam weaponry is: "he was refining beam weapon technology for use within starfighters."
 * 31) **Given it a bit more layman relevance. :P
 * 32) * I would like to see something detailing the significance of Zaarin and the Empire entering the neutral Corporate Sector to capture the GE platform
 * 33) **There's nothing relevant in the sources whatsoever.
 * 34) ***Yeah, nevermind, I read into something too much in the Pondut article. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:11, 14 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 35) * Also, it seems some kind of quote can be found for the "Beam weaponry" section, specifically dealing with the GE capture
 * 36) **I'd rather not. I find quotes to be a colossal pain in the ass, especially when used ad nauseum. 90% of quotes end up being redundant anyway.
 * 37) ***Fine. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:11, 14 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 38) * Something could be added to the TIE Experimental Project discussing the extreme threat the project posed to the Alliance - endless droid ships
 * 39) **Added.
 * 40) * Who's forces? Vader's or Harkov's? "his forces were struggling there"
 * 41) **Vader's. Fixed.
 * 42) * The rest of that paragraph is detailing a battle whose specifics have little to do with Zaarin himself. Mentioning specific ships here is far too detailed for such peripheral information. Please cut out all the unnecessaries.
 * 43) **Done.
 * 44) * The second clause of this sentence has nothing to do with the first. It's extremely disjointed. Please rewrite: " The Dark Lord had realized Zaarin's intent, though, and the Garrett was carrying several TIE Defenders, which possessed powerful hyperdrive units."
 * 45) **Tweaked.
 * 46) * Please link something to "gunboat": "as well as gunboats from Z-Mu and Z-Tau Squadrons"
 * 47) **Actually, that would require linking to Alpha-class Xg-1 Star Wing for a second time.
 * 48) * We are last left off with the understanding that Thrawn is a Vice Admiral. If he's now an admiral, something should be thrown in explaining his promotion: "To put an end to the Chiss admiral,"
 * 49) **Note added.
 * 50) * They're vulnerable? Please explain how: "Although Stele drove off the attackers, the corvettes and by extension the prototypes, were vulnerable"
 * 51) **Fixed
 * 52) * Captured by whom? "During the earlier ambush by the Rneekii, the chief TIE Defender scientist had been captured."
 * 53) **"During the earlier ambush by the Rneekii, the chief Imperial TIE Defender scientist had been captured by the pirates."
 * 54) ***Yeah, I fixed that myself and didn't mean to leave this objection. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:11, 14 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 55) * I'd like to see the "cruisers" specified by ship class here, please: "Task Force Whirlwind, made up of an Interdictor and three cruisers"
 * 56) **Done.
 * 57) * Can we specify the name of this SSD? "Palpatine was traveling aboard the C-3 passenger liner Excalibur to visit his Super Star Destroyer." Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:40, 12 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 58) **It's not stated in the source. Thefourdotelipsis 04:21, 12 September 2008 (UTC)
 * 59) ***Lame. :P Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:11, 14 September 2008 (UTC)

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