Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Charsae Saal


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Charsae Saal

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster Jedi symbol.svg ( Jedi beacon ) 18:33, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:My second GAnom from WookieeProject Legacy Era

(3 ACs/4 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:54, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 07:33, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Nice work, Jon :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 07:51, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 23:15, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  CC7567  (talk) 18:38, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Another good job.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:30, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) You don't have to saal this user.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  13:41, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From the Moffship of Grand Moff Tranner:
 * 2) *Note: This is just a preliminary list of objections. Any further ones will be posted later.
 * 3) * A main quote is needed.
 * 4) **Addressed...don't know how I missed that :P
 * 5) * When you first mention it in the intro, you should note that Chara is Saal's Hidden One name.
 * 6) **Addressed
 * 7) * Master of the Order should be linked in both the intro and the "Early life."
 * 8) **Done
 * 9) * Context on the "dying" ceremony for the intro.
 * 10) **Addressed
 * 11) * The intro could probably use a little expansion - you mention the events in the beginning and the end of the novel, but not much from the middle.
 * 12) **Better?
 * 13) * I'm guessing you can note that he lived during the Rise of the Empire era in the intro, given the quote in "Early life."
 * 14) **I used the in-universe time period, Republic Classic era. Is that ok?
 * 15) ***Sorry, I mean to say "in the infobox." I suppose you can keep the Republic Classic era in the intro, though. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 21:51, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) ****Added to the infobox. Jonjedigrandmaster  Jedi symbol.svg ( Jedi beacon ) 22:17, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * "...to the Caverns of the Hidden One. The caverns were home to the Hidden Ones..." is a little redundant. Perhaps rephrase it as "...to a set of secret caverns home to the Hidden Ones..."
 * 18) **Done.
 * 19) * To avoid long sentences, the rest of that sentence and the following one could probably then be combined.
 * 20) **Is this what you had in mind?
 * 21) ***No, but it looks better than what I had thought of. :P Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 21:51, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) *I'll look over the rest of it soon. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 19:30, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) **Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  Jedi symbol.svg ( Jedi beacon ) 20:16, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) * Context on Luke's exile - I don't think a lot is needed.
 * 25) **Better?
 * 26) * A brief mention of Ben's fight with Tistura Paan would be nice.
 * 27) **Added.
 * 28) * "They convinced the Baran Do to allow them to go to the Caverns of the Hidden One with Saal." - who's "they"?
 * 29) **Addressed.
 * 30) * "He also told them that—now that they had come to the caverns, they could never leave." - did you originally have additional phrase(s) in this sentence? The dash really shouldn't be there.
 * 31) **Removed.
 * 32) * "...in order to prove his theory that—in accepting death, the Hidden Ones were losing their strength in the Force." - same as the last objection.
 * 33) **Removed.
 * 34) * I'm seeing a lot of repetition of "the Hidden Ones." Replacing some with "them" would be a good idea, especially since you mention Koro Ziil as "the leader of the Hidden Ones and known as the Hidden One."
 * 35) **Better?
 * 36) *Well done. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 21:51, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) **Thanks! :P Jonjedigrandmaster  Jedi symbol.svg ( Jedi beacon ) 22:17, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) Soresu
 * 39) * Context on the Baran Do upon first mention in the body.
 * 40) **Addressed.
 * 41) * Context on what a naming ceremony is.
 * 42) **Addressed.
 * 43) * I'm not sure you can say that he "returned" to the Baran Do, since the Hidden ones were a sect of it, and thus he was in it all along.
 * 44) **Changed.
 * 45) * Ziil still attempted to do things his way, but many of the Hidden Ones turned against him, Is Chara one of the "many"?
 * 46) **It's not stated explicitly until he asks "What lies?" in regard to Ben revealing Ziil's lies. Is this better?
 * 47) *Other than that good work. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 12:07, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) **Thanks. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 16:52, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 50) * Give context to Tistura Paan.
 * 51) **Done.
 * 52) * Tell the name of his homeworld earlier in the bio.
 * 53) **Addressed.
 * 54) * "In 43.5 ABY, former Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker—recently exiled from Coruscant and the Jedi Order—and his son, Ben Skywalker, traveled to Dorin, searching for Ziil in the hopes of finding out more about what may have caused former Jedi Knight Jacen Solo's fall to the dark side of the Force" Long sentence with a lot of commas. Split them up to make it flow better.
 * 55) **Better?
 * 56) * Mention that Ziil is the Hidden One before, since you mention his throne chamber before with no explanation.
 * 57) **Addressed.
 * 58) * A quote for P&T and/or P&A?
 * 59) **Added.
 * 60) *Nice work.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:30, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) **Thanks Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 03:14, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) Grunny:
 * 63) * You need to make it clearer why Luke was exiled in the bio, since this is explained in the intro but not in the bio.
 * 64) **Addressed.
 * 65) * This plays into the previous objection, you mention Darth Caedus in the intro and Jacen Solo in the bio, you need to clarify in the bio that they are the same person.
 * 66) **Addressed.
 * 67) * "The Baran Do agreed to allow the Skywalkers to go to the Caverns of the Hidden One with Saal." Could you expand this sentence to clarify why Luke and Ben would want to go to the Caverns of the Hidden One. Maybe that they recognized the possibility that Ziil might be there.
 * 68) **Better?
 * 69) * Ithia could be mentioned in the first section of bio as someone he regularly dueled.
 * 70) **Added.
 * 71) * "But to Ziil's great dismay, rather than choosing his own new name, he expressed his desire to rename many of them, beginning with Chara." Please clarify who "he" is.
 * 72) **Done. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 16:06, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) * Grunny  ( Talk ) 10:04, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) The clone is really harassing your noms, isn't he?
 * 75) * Just a suggestion (feel free to disagree): in the intro, could the first mention of "Chara" be removed and simply and bolded when Saal takes the name, instead of at the beginning? It's not necessary, but it might sound better, because mentioning the Hidden Ones in the beginning without context personally seems a little off to me.
 * 76) **Addressed.
 * 77) * When it says that Saal "taught" Paan, what exactly did he teach her? It can be changed to "took  as an apprentice" or something clearer, because if you use "taught," you need to state what exactly Saal taught her.
 * 78) **Fixed.
 * 79) * Context needed for Coruscant.
 * 80) **Added.
 * 81) * "In 43.5 ABY, former Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker—recently exiled from Coruscant and the Jedi Order for failing to prevent Jedi Knight Jacen Solo's turn to the dark side of the Force and transformation into the Sith Lord Darth Caedus—and his son, Ben Skywalker, traveled to Dorin." This sentence needs to be broken up. I think Luke's exile can be mentioned in the following sentence, and if it's there, it can better link as to why he and Ben were searching for Ziil.
 * 82) **Better? I'll get to the rest of the objections as soon as I can. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:15, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 83) *" The Skywalkers were allowed into the Baran Do temple after Ben dueled with Tistura Paan and defeated her." Reworded the sentence a bit myself. If Paan's defeat was the reason the Skywalkers were admitted into the temple, it needs to be made clearer. If not, it needs to be rephrased.
 * 84) **Is his better, or still too unclear?
 * 85) *** It's still a bit unclear. What specifically were the terms of entry? I haven't read the book, but it seems more likely to me that Paan would have to be defeated in a duel by either of the Skywalkers, unless she specifically challenged Ben. You can state the terms in one sentence and then state how Ben met them in the next.
 * 86) ****I added more info, is this better? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:13, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) *****Definitely no more than that; otherwise it'll deviate from the subject of the article.  CC7567  (talk) 18:38, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) * Why couldn't the Skywalkers leave after finding the caverns?
 * 89) **Addressed.
 * 90) * Why was it "too good an opportunity" for Ziil to pass up?
 * 91) **Better?
 * 92) * "to do things his way": too colloquial, please reword.
 * 93) **Addressed.
 * 94) * "he was not afraid to see the truth": rather awkward because of "afraid"; please reword.
 * 95) **Better?
 * 96) *** "not unwilling" is a bit awkward. Unless you want to expand upon that to make it clearer, I think it can be changed to "he was able to see the truth" or something of the like.  CC7567  (talk) 17:59, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 97) ****Done. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:13, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) * "the effects of being resigned to the fact that he was dead to the outside world weakened him greatly": rather confusing; please check this. It sounds like you're trying to make a comparison, but it doesn't sound very clear.
 * 99) **Better? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 15:59, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) * CC7567  (talk) 04:59, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments