Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Dash Rendar

Dash Rendar

 * Nominated by: Green Tentacle (Talk) 19:22, September 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: This is Dash Rendar, thief, card cheat, smuggler, and an okay pilot.

Dolphin

 * Nice article, but you need to clean up the images. There are too many in certain sections.--ID-21 Dolphin 21:50, September 5, 2010 (UTC)
 * Sorry to butt in, but maybe that's your computer's resolution? Image spacing looks fine to me. Menkooroo 00:09, September 6, 2010 (UTC)

Whale

 * This is wonderful. Full review coming soon. For now, this isn't really an objection, but... as Dash burst onto the scene as a video game character, maybe you could have another image of him from the game? That one of him in the snowspeeder cockpit from the Battle of Hoth that used to be in the article was great. If you replaced the current snowspeeder image with it, you could have another one of Dash's face! Menkooroo 00:09, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * There's a few from the N64 cutscenes in there already. The PC ones won't play in XP (although the game itself is fine) so I can't get any from that. The in-game graphics are rubbish so they're out. The cockpit image doesn't appear in either the PC or N64 version as far as I can tell and was deleted due to lack of sourcing. I've kept a copy if you can shed any light on it, but otherwise it's not going back. Green Tentacle (Talk) 20:19, September 6, 2010 (UTC)

'''Hunter's comments
''At a glance, this article is in great shape. Awesome stuff! Therefore, please indulge me if I get a bit nitpicky with the grammatical stuff. Here we go...'' Lead: Early life: Freelance spacer: The ship fights back: The Battle of Hoth The Search for Solo The secret plans Showdown with Xizor: Surviving death Equipment: Behind the scenes: ''I highly doubt my concerns above will take long to address. Well done, loved reading this one! — Hunter Kahn  05:51, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * I think it's a tiny bit unclear in the lead what the Rendar family's business was. I would suggest simply changing "rather than joining the family shipping business" to "rather than joining the family shipping business" or "the family's shipping business."
 * Changed. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:06, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * "Rendar successfully completed the job." Shouldn't this be "Rendar successfully completed the jobs" or "Rendar always successfully completed the job"? Because you aren't referring to simply one job, but multiple ones, right?
 * I meant the Chyler job, but the deliveries probably fit better. Reworded it. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:06, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * "a variety of different starships" Suggest just "a variety of starships" to avoid redundancy. Not a huge gripe, obviously.
 * Changed. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:06, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * Later on, you refer to Han Solo as Rendar's "old friend from the Academy". This section indicates they were at the Academy together, but doesn't say they were friends. If they were friends, I'd suggest you say so here...
 * Source merely says they were friends and knew each other at the Academy. When exactly they became friends isn't clear. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:06, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * "As the ship, which was piloted by Stanton Rendar at the time, launched from a spaceport on Coruscant, a control system failed, causing it to crash into Emperor Palpatine's private museum." This sentence struck me as a bit choppy, what with all the clauses and all. I'd suggest something more like: "Stanton Rendar was piloting as the ship launched from a Coruscant spaceport and its control system failed, causing it to crash into Emperor Palpatine's private museum.
 * Much better. Changed. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:06, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * "...was never recorded and neither were details..." Would suggest "was never recorded, nor were details" because it flows better to me. Not a big deal, though, if you disagree...
 * "easy, low-paid work" Should be "low-paying work", no?
 * The sentence that starts "Through a series of daring and risky missions" and ends with "before working together on smuggling runs and con games" is long and a bit run-offish. It'd be really easy to break it into two. Suggest starting a new sentence with "He went on to work with such individuals..." or something like that.
 * The paragraph about Owal doesn't really make clear whether the rescue attempt was successful or not. I'm guessing that's because the source (Star Wars Miniatures: Attack on Endor) lays out the scenario, but there is no one canonical result?
 * Yup. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:06, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * "In 0 BBY, Rendar ran into fellow smugglers Zeen Afit and Katya M'Buele who informed him about their involvement in the recent Rebel attack on the Besadii Hutt glitterstim processing operation on Ylesia." It seems to me this sentence isn't really necessary at all, since it doesn't seem to be addressed again. If you feel it's important to leave in for the sake of comprehensiveness, I suppose it's alright, but otherwise I'd say maybe leave it out altogether. (Etiher way, Katya M'Buele is already wikilinked earlier in the article, so the wikilink should be removed.)
 * Removed the link but I'd rather leave it in, both for comprehensiveness and his discussion of those events when he bumps into Han later. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:06, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
 * "When the turbolifts arrived, the group split into two, with Rendar joining the Arrandas, Hajj and two crewman in one, leaving the remaining four crewmen to take the other." This too strikes me as a bit choppy. I'd suggest instead something like, "The group split into two teams after the turbolifts arrived. Rendar joined the Arrandas, Hajj and two crewmen while the remaining four crewman went off together."
 * "Still needing to send a distress signal, and unwilling to take another turbolift..." For some reason I can't really put my finger on, I have the use of the word "needing" here. lol. I'd rather see it changed to "Still determined to send a distress signal, but unwilling to take another turbolift..." But if you'd rather not change it, it's cool.
 * "At the captain's insistence, Rendar reluctantly turned over his blaster and the group continued onwards with Rendar under guard by the remaining crewman." This doesn't really quite make grammatical sense because it indicates "Rendar ... continued onwards with Rendar under guard." I'd suggest changing it to "At the captain's insistence, Rendar reluctantly turned over his blaster and remained under guard by the remaining crewman as the group continued onwards."
 * "Needing to find another way". How about "Seeking another way"?
 * "Rendar was able to grab something in time to avoid being sucked out..." I know I'm probably nit-picking here, but can you specify what he grabs onto? Reading this myself, the "something" distracted me because I wondered what it was, breaking up the flow of the paragraph...
 * "The door opened automatically as he approached but, as Rendar stepped into the doorway, it closed rapidly, crushing him against the door frame and sending him unconscious to the floor." Just to make it a bit less choppy, I'd suggest changing this to "The door open automatically as he approached, but closed rapidly as Rendar stepped into the doorway, crushing him against the door frame and sending him unconscious to the floor."
 * "...with Rendar succeeding in destroying one of the AT-AT walkers..." I'm guessing the source doesn't say this, but do we have any idea how he destroyed the walker? Harpoons and tow cables? Or some other way?
 * "...to Cloud City on Bespin, a mining colony operated by Lando Calrissian." Again with my nitpicking, but can we change this to "...to Cloud City, a Bespin mining colony operated by Lando Calrissian"? The way it reads now, technically, it appears as if Bespin is the mining colony, not Cloud City.
 * "There, Solo was captured by the bounty hunter Boba Fett, who planned to turn Solo over to the crime lord Jabba the Hutt for the bounty on the smuggler, and frozen in carbonite for the journey to Jabba's Palace on Tatooine." Choppy, choppy, choppy. I'd suggest. "Solo was captured there by the bounty hunter Boba Fett, who planned to collect a bounty on Solo by turning him over to the crime lord Jabba the Hutt. Solo was frozen in carbonite for the journey to Jabba's Palace on Tatooine."
 * "Rendar returned with Skywalker to Ben Kenobi's hut." Earlier, you refer to "Skywalker's temporary residences in the Dune Sea", but it is not specified that it is Ben Kenobi's hut except through the wikilink. Because it's not overtly stated, this is almost like an easter egg, and a reader who didn't click on that link might be confused when they later read "returned to Kenobi's hut" because there's no first reference. I would suggest changing the first reference to something like "Ben Kenobi's hut in the Dune Sea, where Skywalker set up a temporary residence". (Also, should it be "Obi-Wan Kenobi's", not Ben Kenobi's?)
 * "...had learned of a new Imperial military project." Again, an easter egg for the Death Star II. I think it would serve the article much better to specify that the project is a second Death Star.
 * "He arrived to find the shop under attack by four armed men who had Chewbacca, along with Skywalker and Calrissian—who had also traveled to Coruscant upon receiving the Wookiee's message—trapped inside." I found the clause in the middle a bit disruptive to the flow of this sentence. My suggestion probably isn't perfect, but how about something like: "He arrived to find the shop under attack by four armed men, trapping inside the building Chewbacca, Skywalker and Calrissian, who had traveled to Courscant upon receiving the Wookie's message."
 * This section says Rendar and Guri were recruited by Ackbar. This is probably just my unfamiliarity with this particular source talking, but I was under the impression nobody from the New Republic knew Rendar was alive? Did Ackbar hire this group unaware of who Rendar really was? If so, can you clarify that?
 * "Cybot Galactica LE-series repair droid" is already wikilinked above. No need to do so again.
 * Regarding the four paragraph, do we really need to list all of his appearances? Isn't that what the "Appearances" section is for?
 * The first paragraph of "Inconsistencies" is unsourced.
 * Last but not least, a structural suggestion. It seems to me the biography is broken down into four sections: his early life and career, the Star of Empire incident, his Rebel Alliance work and everything afterward. However, the structure right now is simply broken down into 11 subsections with little else to distinguish them. I personally think the subsections should be kept in place now, but the structure should be presented a bit more like this. (I made this change and then reverted it back immediately. I just wanted to be able to show you what I had in mind, but wanted to give you the chance to weigh in and make the final call before any changes were made.) What do you think?