Wookieepedia:Good article nominations

 This page is for the nomination of good articles. This is not a way to showcase the articles of your favorite characters, spaceships, or the like. For a list of Good articles, see Category:Wookieepedia good articles.

A Good article is an article that adheres to quality standards, but cannot reach FA status due to its limited content.


 * Good article nominations history
 * Good article checklist
 * Good article nomination rules

READ THIS FIRST!

An article must&hellip;


 * 1) &hellip;be well-written and detailed.
 * 2) &hellip;be unbiased, non-point of view.
 * 3) &hellip;be sourced with all available sources and appearances.
 * 4) &hellip;follow the Manual of Style, Layout Guide, and all other policies on Wookieepedia.
 * 5) &hellip;following the review process, be stable, i.e., does not change significantly from day to day and is not the subject of ongoing edit wars. This does not apply to vandalism and protection or semi-protection as a result of vandalism.
 * 6) &hellip;not be tagged with any sort of improvement tags (i.e. more sources, expand, etc).
 * 7) &hellip;have a proper lead that gives a good summary of the topic if the length of the article supports it. This is essential in articles over 1000 words but may not be appropriate on articles with limited content.
 * 8) &hellip;not be tagged due to an excessive number of redlinks.
 * 9) &hellip;have significant information, especially a biography for character articles. For articles under 1000 words in length, comprehensive detail is required with all information covered from all sources and appearances. For articles over 1000 words, broad coverage addressing all major aspects of the topic is sufficient.
 * 10) &hellip;be completely referenced for all available material and sources. See Sourcing for more information.
 * 11) &hellip;have all quotes and images sourced.
 * 12) &hellip;provide at least one quote on the article if available. A leading quote at the beginning of the article would be preferred, though not required if no quotes are available. Although quotes may be placed in the body of the article, a maximum of one quote is allowed at the beginning of each section.
 * 13) &hellip;ideally include a "personality and traits" section on all character articles if information is available.
 * 14) &hellip;ideally include a "powers and abilities" section on relevant character articles, especially for Force-sensitive characters where said powers and/or abilities are stipulated.
 * 15) &hellip;include a "Behind the scenes" section.
 * 16) &hellip;include a reasonable number of images of sufficient quality to illustrate the article, if said images are available.
 * 17) &hellip;counting the introduction and "Behind the scenes" material, be at least 250 words long (not including captions, quotes, or headers, etc).

How to nominate:


 * 1) First, nominate an article you find is worthy of good status, putting it at the bottom of the list below. Nominated articles must meet all seventeen requirements stated above.
 * 2) Add GAnom at the top of the article you are nominating.
 * 3) Be sure to place sign in the "Nominated by" line when the nomination is posted for voting.
 * 4) Others will object to the nomination if they disagree that the article is good enough; they will then supply reasons for doing so, and ways to improve the article (errors, style, organization, images, notability, sources).
 * 5) Supporters adjust the article until the objectors (with reasonable objections) are satisfied.

How to vote:


 * 1) Before doing anything, be sure to read the article completely, keeping a sharp eye out for mistakes.
 * 2) Afterwards, compare the article to the criteria listed above, and then either support or object the article's nomination.
 * 3) *If you object, please supply concrete reasons for doing so, and how it can be improved.
 * 4) As stated above, any objections will be looked upon by the nominator, supporters, and anyone willing to improve the article, and action will be taken to please the objectors. Do not strike other users' objections; it is up to the objector to review the changes and strike if they are satisfied.
 * 5) Once an article has a total of five votes, with at least three votes coming from AgriCorps or Inquisitorius members&mdash;one of which must be an AgriCorps vote&mdash;after at least a week since it was nominated (beginning the day of its nomination) and no objections (or the objections have been stricken or overridden), the article will be considered a "Good article" and tagged with the template. The talk page will also be tagged with the GA template.
 * 6) The article is placed on the Good article list.

All nominations will be considered idle and are subject to removal by AgriCorps vote if objections are not addressed after a period of 3 weeks.

Good article nominations
To nominate an article for Good article status, list it here. Nominated articles must meet all seventeen requirements stated above. If an article has a total of five votes, with at least three votes coming from AgriCorps or Inquisitorius members&mdash;one of which must be an AgriCorps vote&mdash;after at least a week since it was nominated (beginning the day of its nomination) and no objections (or the objections have been stricken or overridden), the article will be considered a "Good article" and tagged with the template. The talk page will also be tagged with the GA template. For complete instructions on archiving nominations please see here. Also remember to add GAnom at the top of the article you are nominating.

Darth Malak

 * Nominated by: Jedi Kasra (talk) 21:18, 20 November 2008 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Drewton and I have worked on this article for a while, and I believe it's ready to be considered a good article.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 21:22, 20 November 2008 (UTC)

(2 ACs/5 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Thats all I can see that other people haven't objected to. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:48, 19 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) It's looking good! 04:18, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  IFYLOFD  ( Come with me if you want to live. ) 01:08, 3 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) -  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 17:55, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg (Imperial Intelligence)  22:13, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Cylka  -talk- 10:00, 9 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 7)  OLIOSTER  Sith_Emblem.svg 05:18, 4 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From the pages of NaruHina's Death Note
 * 2) *It seems OK but:
 * 3) * The him being in the Old Republic Era in the Infobox is not sourced
 * 4) * The language base in the Bts is unsourced
 * 5) **"While such a name might seem incongruous with Darth Malak's role as Sith Lord, he could be seen as a fallen angel due to his Jedi beginnings." I think this should be sourced as another opinion may be that he sees himelf as a divine messenger or something. There are many ways that "angel" and "messenger to God" can go.
 * 6) **Actually got rid of that, it just states what the actual name means in Hebrew and Arabic, have sources.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 18:35, 19 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 7) * There is a Fact tag in the Bts.
 * 8) **Fixed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 17:15, 16 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 9) * One last thing, the succession box is not sourced. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:07, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 10) **Took care of it, sourced now.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:03, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 11) * NaruHina Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:20, 21 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) Quotes in prose, speculation rampant in BtS, bullets in BtS, tiny paragraphs. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 13:19, 21 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) *Long taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:08, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) There's quotes in the middle of sections, that's against MoS the double and triple refs aren't needed, some sections are just way too short, mainly article prose problems. It would also be good idea to copyedit the article, there are numerous grammatical errors. Watch for POV in the article, the intro, P&T, and P&A have loads of it in their respective sections. Also, the BtS, needs to be rid of speculation, bullets, then expanded with stuff that can be sourced, IE: interviews, actions figures, etc. DC 01:30, 24 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) *Long taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:08, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) It's IFYLOFD!:
 * 17) * More info on the "devices" in the intro.
 * 18) **Adressed. Drewton  Era-old.png ( Drewton's Holocron ) 13:36, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) * Is there an article on Darth Revan's flagship? If so, add a link to it in the intro.
 * 20) **Fixed, also linked in the body. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:53, 3 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) * "The Sith Lord corrupted Shan, who he had once considered a threat, and made her his apprentice, replacing the slain Darth Bandon, whom Revan had killed." Reword and/or split up this sentence.
 * 22) **Adressed. Drewton  Era-old.png ( Drewton's Holocron ) 13:34, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) * Context needed on Deesra Luur Jada and Lucien Draay.
 * 24) **Done. Drewton  Era-old.png ( Drewton's Holocron ) 14:09, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 25) * More info on the "discovery" made by Adasca.
 * 26) **Fixed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 18:45, 17 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 27) * Context for Krynda Draay and Xamar.
 * 28) **I think it's fixed, check it out.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:22, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 29) * Unsourced statements in BtS.  IFYLOFD  ( And now, young Skywalker, you will die. ) 01:50, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
 * 30) **Fixed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 18:45, 17 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 31) Cylka:
 * 32) * The infobox needs to be sourced correctly. Also any additional text in or out of parenthesis needs to either sourced separately or written before the ref notes, whichever the case may be.
 * 33) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:57, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * The Star Forge wasn't just a superweapon, but also a space-based factory or spacestation. I think it would be worth mentioning that.
 * 35) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:57, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * Was Malak helping Zayne in trying to apprehend Gryph? I thought that he was looking for Zayne at the behest of Lucien Draay and found him after Gryph got away. I could be wrong, but please check this out.
 * 37) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:57, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * Give a little more info on how Zayne ended up on the Legacy. You mention that Zayne started a diversion, but no one knows how or why he got there.
 * 39) * Please give a little more context to how Zayne ended up on Jebble and they had to rescue him again. Just a sentence will do. Something like In light of certain events on Taris, Zayne traveled to Jebble where he was once again in need of assistance.
 * 40) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:57, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) * Please remove any quotes in the prose. From what I understand quotes or partial quotes can only be found in Bts, while quote templates only at the beginning of sections.
 * 42) **Those quotes in the BTS section are somewhat necessary, I feel, since they are from James Ohlen and John Jackson Miller, respectively. The quote from Ohlen is from Malak's databank entry, while the partial quote from Miller is from the letters section of Knights of the Old Republic #29. We can't just ignore those quotes.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 17:31, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) * Make sure that "master" is capitalized when referring to them by name or Jedi Master. I changed some of them, but I'm not sure I got them all.
 * 44) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:04, 23 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) * It was not long before rumors began to spread that Malak's apprentice, who would be known as Darth Bandon, would challenge him for the right to rule, as was the manner of the Sith. The result of this revolt, however, is unknown. Other Sith only wondered about this. Bandon didn't form a revolt. He was killed before he could - according to the databank. This needs to be changed.
 * 46) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:57, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) * Malak was a pale-skinned human who stood an impressive two meters in height. What is the ref, for his height. Cylka  -talk- 01:19, 13 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:57, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) * There seem to be some linking issues throughout the article. As I understand it, in articles each linkable subject should have one link each in the intro, main body, image caption, and infobox.
 * 50) **I've taken care of the excessive linking.
 * 51) *Its looking good, but still needs a little work. Cylka  -talk- 23:40, 11 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) * There are some POV and speculation issues throughout the article. As soon as everyone's objections have been satisfied, I'll sign off on the article as well. Cylka  <span style="font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 13px"><font color=#00A693>-talk- 16:41, 31 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) The sources in the "Sources" section are not listed in the order of their release --Jinzler 22:53, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) *Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:57, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) Time for Darth Cav to wade in:
 * 56) * Intro - mention should be made of his taking advantage of the Jedi Strike Team's actions, and Revan's survival, although he believed him to be dead.
 * 57) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * Intro - It would not be long until the new Dark Lord of the Sith was proven wrong. Proven wrong about what?
 * 59) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) * Jedi Padawan - Is there an article for Malak's village on Quelli? If so, it should be linked to.
 * 61) **There is no such article.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) ***I've created a redlink for this, since it deserves an article. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 17:54, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) ****Long taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:27, 12 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * Jedi Padawan - According to Deesra Luur Jada, a Twi'lek Jedi, Alek was trained at the Jedi Enclave located on Dantooine. If this is true, then there is no need for this statement to be quantified by Jada's statement. It should just read that he was trained on Dantooine.
 * 65) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) * Captured at Flashpoint - Context is need on the Last Resort and her crew upon first mention.
 * 67) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * Adasca's plot and a return to Taris - What is an exogorth? Context please.
 * 69) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) * Adasca's plot and a return to Taris - Context is need on who Karath is upon first mention, and why he is at the meeting.
 * 71) * Adasca's plot and a return to Taris - Camper should be introduced earlier in the bio (around the mention of the Last Resort in the previous section), and his involvement in the exogorth project should be made clear from the beginning.
 * 72) * Adasca's plot and a return to Taris - Earlier, Zayne Carrick had boarded the Legacy with Admiral Karath, Carth Onasi, and Dallan Morvis after they had escaped on the Deadweight, Onasi's ship, from Karath's command ship when the Mandalorians boarded it after the devastating events of the battle at Serroco. Run on sentence. Consider breaking up and revising.
 * 73) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) * Adasca's plot and a return to Taris - When Carrick, who was dressed in Rohlan's spare armor that had been given to him earlier by Mandalore, started a diversion - who was the armor given to? Did Mandalore give it to Rohlan or Carrick? Its a little unclear.
 * 75) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 76) * Adasca's plot and a return to Taris - Context is needed on who the Moomo brothers are.
 * 77) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) * Adasca's plot and a return to Taris - Is there an article for the Mandalorian invasion of Taris? If so, it needs to be linked to.
 * 79) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) * Against the Jedi Covenant - Context on who Shel Jelavan is upon first mention.
 * 81) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) * The final battles - You mention Malak's rapid promotion through the Republic ranks twice.
 * 83) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) * In search of the Star Forge - Context on who the Rakata/ Infinite Empire are.
 * 85) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) * Betraying the Master - Are there articles that can be linked to for the Jedi strike team, and their assault on Revan's flagship?
 * 87) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) * The Search for Bastila - Although his stratagems and tactics centered around brute force, and were, as the droid G0-T0 would tell the Jedi Exile many years later, "painfully obvious," I don't think this needs to include references to G0-T0 or the Exile since they are not connected to Malak. Plus, it is opinion from one character rather than fact.
 * 89) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) * The Search for Bastila - Who are Bastila's rescuers? Reference should be made, especially as one of them is Revan. This information should be included before Malak's discovery of Revan's survival.
 * 91) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) * The Search for Bastila - Did Nord actually know that one of Bastila's rescuers was Revan?
 * 93) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) * The Search for Bastila - Mention should be made that Malak took Jedi prisoners during his attack on Dantooine for later use on the Star Forge.
 * 95) * The Star Forge - Some of the information on the Forge's construction process should be included earlier on, when the Star Forge is first introduced, to better explain how Revan and Malak controlled a vast armada.
 * 96) * The Star Forge - Context on how the Republic found the Star Forge is needed. Also, a link to the battle is needed.
 * 97) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) * Legacy - Context needed for G0-T0 and Mical.
 * 99) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) * Legacy - Malak caused, in comparison to his master's thought-out goals, would forever paint Malak as a tyrannical monster who, despite all his attempts to gain absolute power, was ultimately inferior in every aspect compared to Revan. This is bordering on NPOV in my opinion, especially the "ultimate inferior" part.
 * 101) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 102) * Years needed to be sourced in the succession box.
 * 103) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 104) * Check the entire article for instances of first names being used in place of surnames - surnames should be used for formality. I understand the possible reason for not using Alek's surname, and I hold no real objection to it so it could remain as such, but others may disagree on that one. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 11:04, 18 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 105) **Addressed, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:23, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 106) Muuuuuurgh:
 * 107) * The claim that Malak can be transformed into a Twi'lek dancer at the end of Knights of the Old Republic should be a bit more detailed--exactly how might a player go about the task of doing so? Wookieepedia is not a gaming site, however, I feel that a description is worth including for the purposes of informing readers who would like to verify this claim. I imagine that describing the process might be disruptive to the rest of the BTS section, so its probably best to keep the description of the process confined to the references section.
 * 108) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:46, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) * Although I appreciate that a page number was given, it should be specified which article in Star Wars Insider 100 was the basis for the first paragraph of "The final battles" section, as well as the statement that Darth Bandon's "quest for power had set him apart from his fellow students" in "The search for Bastila" section.
 * 110) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:46, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 111) * Related to the previous objection, the as-of-yet unidentified article from Star Wars Insider 100 should be included in the Sources section.
 * 112) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:46, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 113) * The claim that Malak was a Jedi Guardian is sourced only to the Wizards website and does not specify where on that website one can find this information. --Muuuuuurgh 08:55, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 114) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:46, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 115) The very beginning needs a bit of work. You shouldn't start by calling him Alek Sqwhatever, but just Alek. There's no reason to doubt Alek's comments - "He claimed that people from Quelii..." - so they should be taken as fact. Mention his nickname after the first sentence, too. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 16:15, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 116) *Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:15, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 117) Cylka, part deux:
 * 118) * There are numerous instances of ref notes written before punctuation. Please go through the article and correct this. The same goes for quotation marks. Commas and periods always go inside quotation marks.
 * 119) **Taken care of, I believe.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:43, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 120) * Again there are problems of over/underlinking. Please read through the article carefully. Make sure you avoid creating new issues when fixing objections.
 * 121) * In the Legacy section, I'm not sure you can say that Mical is a former Jedi, since he is re-trained by the Exile.
 * 122) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:40, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 123) * There still are some POV issues, such as with the word "very." Please go through again.
 * 124) * The third paragraph in the P/T is bordering on copyright infringement of the CG, so I would suggest rewriting it a bit more.
 * 125) **I think I took care of it.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 16:02, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 126) * and could also use it to cancel a Force-user's active powers - In the P/A, this sounds a bit too much like game mechanics, and should be rewritten. Also you are citing many of his Force powers to the game, but we aren't sure exactly of all of the powers he had since we couldn't play his character and see his statistics. Please double check that.
 * 127) **When I play the game, he usually activates the "Force Immunity" power after drawing his lightsaber. Also, I'm not entirely sure how I could write that without sounding like it's game mechanics, since he did use that power both in-game and according to the CG. And of course, if you prolong the duel, he'll use such powers as Force leap, Force speed, Force Suppression, though I think he uses the Breach power as well.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:40, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 128) *Just a little bit more, Kasra. It's almost done. :-) <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 16px"><font color=#008080>Cylka  <span style="font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 13px"><font color=#00A693>-talk- 07:54, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 129) Toprawa:
 * 130) * Source list needs to be in correct order. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:03, 21 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 131) **Taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 20:35, 23 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 132) Jinzler
 * 133) * You need to add info on Malak from Timeline 1: Treaty of Coruscant --Jinzler 22:10, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 134) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:42, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 135) Grunny's first look:
 * 136) * Overlinking: far too many repeated links. And make sure you link to the correct article not a redirect.
 * 137) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 138) * You should apply Template:Cite web to references 41, 47, 48, 49, and 52.
 * 139) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 140) * Intro - "After revealing to his former Master that he was indeed the former Dark Lord, Malak and Revan fought each other, but Shan sacrificed herself so that he and his companions could escape." Who each of the "he"'s is referring to is confusing. Also sacrificed makes it sound like she died when she didn't.
 * 141) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 142) *Mandalorian Wars - Recruiting for the Revanchists:
 * 143) ** For clarity mention that the group was called the Revanchists explicitly in the text.
 * 144) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 145) ** "While there, Alek met a Jedi named Zayne Carrick, the Padawan of Lucien Draay, who was the son of the Jedi Covenant leader Krynda Draay." The use of commas here suggests that Zayne was the son of Kyndra, even though she shares a last name with Lucien.
 * 146) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 147) ** Jedi Covenant needs a little context when first mentioned.
 * 148) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 149) ** "The Jedi Covenant believed that one of their Padawans would fall to the dark side." The start of this paragraph needs some sort of lead to create a better flow from the previous paragraph.
 * 150) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 17:08, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 151) ** "While there, Alek met a Jedi named Zayne Carrick, who was the Padawan of the Jedi Master Lucien Draay, the son of Krynda Draay, the founder of a secret Jedi organization called the Covenant, which was dedicated to preventing the return of the Sith." Now this sentence is messy with constant contextualizing.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 09:19, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 152) ***I believe I've taken care of this sentence, let me know if you're not satisfied.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:24, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 153) *Mandalorian Wars - Captured at Flashpoint
 * 154) ** "However, after the Mandalorians were tricked into leaving the station during a false "Republic attack" masterminded by Marn Hierogryph, it was revealed that the Demagol that had emerged was actually Carrick." Last time Heirogryph was mentioned he was being chased by Carrick, please clarify that he is now an ally, possibly when describing the rest of the crew of the Last Resort.
 * 155) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 156) ** "He disobeyed the Council in going to war, and taking advantage of his reputation and popularity, convinced many other Jedi to join him in dissent. As Revan's closest friend, Alek was the first to do so and he traveled to worlds such as Dantooine to recruit even more Jedi to his and Revan's growing rebellion.[16] By the time they were done, they had persuaded an extremely large portion of the Jedi to follow them to war." You have already mentioned this information at the start of the previous section, so remove one or the other so that the information is presented chronologically. As the second is more descriptive, make sure to put that one in its correct place.
 * 157) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 158) *I'll continue reviewing in sections, take care of these and I will continue.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 06:23, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 159) *Mandalorian Wars - Adasca's plot and a return to Taris
 * 160) ** A little more context on Lord Arkoh Adasca, just clarify what he is a lord of. With all the Sith in this article it could be confusing.
 * 161) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:49, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 162) ** "As Mandalore the Ultimate entered the Legacy..." This is the first mention of Mandalore the Ultimate, mention who he is, which will explain why killing could end the war.
 * 163) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:49, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 164) ** "...Carth Onasi, and Dallan Morvis escaped on the Deadweight, Onasi's ship." Since this is their first mention can you clarify that they are military officers?
 * 165) ***Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:49, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 166) * Mandalorian Wars - Against the Jedi Covenant: Could you add a little mention of what Rakghouls are?
 * 167) **Addressed.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:49, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 168) *Good work so far. Make sure to update for KotOR 40. I've finished reading the Mandalorian Wars section and will try to pick up the pace of this review over the next couple of days :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:09, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 169) **I did update the article with info from KotOR 40 under the section "Vision to Jarael". Please review this section, as well.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:49, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 170) *Mandalorian Wars - Vision to Jarael: "A few months after the events of Vindication..." This is the first mention of Vindication, please clarify that it refers to the events described previously.
 * 171) * In search of the Star Forge - Sith apprentice: A little context for the Elders, to clarify they are a different tribe than the One.
 * 172) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:36, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 173) * I'm still seeing a lot of overlinking, make sure you check through again.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 09:51, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 174) **Could you point out some instances of overlinking? I've found some, such as the Duel on the Star Forge article being linked twice.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:36, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 175) ***If I find them when I'm reading it I remove them, but since I am still finding them, I think you should just check through a couple of times.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 07:17, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 176) * Dark Lord of the Sith - The search for Bastila: "They destroyed the Jedi Enclave and killed many, Jedi and civilian alike, and captured eight Jedi for later use on the Star Forge." Too many "and"s too close together.
 * 177) **Taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:39, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 178) *Dark Lord of the Sith - The Star Forge:
 * 179) ** "Malak was already planning for after the what he assumed would be a victory to..." This could be worded better. Possibly something like "Assuming they would be victorius, Malak was already planning..." or something.
 * 180) ***Taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:39, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 181) ** "Though he knew they would not kill him, he dispatched" Clarify who the "he"s are.
 * 182) ***Taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:39, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 183) ** "He then threw his lightsaber into one and blasted the other with Force lightning, effectively killing both." Is the "he" Revan or Malak, I'm assuming Malak but it's unclear from the wording.
 * 184) ***Taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:39, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 185) * Grunny  ( Talk ) 07:17, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 186) * P&t: "...who stood an impressive two meters in height." Impressive sounds POVish. Who considered his height impressive, since that is relative, considering different species and so forth.
 * 187) **Taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:39, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 188) * P&a: "The Dark Lord also could use the Force to amplify his screams, triggering shock waves that rippled through the Force, and could also use the Force to tap into his innermost fears, pain and hate, and convert them into intense anger, channeling it to increase his speed, strength, and ferocity." This sentence would probably be better broken up.
 * 189) **Taken care of.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:39, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 190) *Okay, I've finished reading it Kasra :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 13:53, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * Took care of the quotes in the middle of sections, took out the bullets in BTS, him being part of the OR era is already sourced, will work on sourcing the language bases.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 20:53, 24 November 2008 (UTC)
 * I think someone should take notice of the hideous amount of Point of View violations in the "Legacy" section. -MPK 18:25, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Except that what's in that section reflects character's opinions of Malak, such as G0-T0, Canderous Ordo, and Mical.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 17:41, 7 January 2009 (UTC)
 * Then you need to include that it was their reflections. As it stands, it's POV, but with some tweaking, it could be fixed without changing the meaning of the sentences. DC 16:08, 10 January 2009 (UTC)
 * Tweaked it a bit, check it out.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 17:05, 12 January 2009 (UTC)
 * I believe it is fine now. —Tommy Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( Nine two eight one ) 17:06, 3 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Content approaching for the BTS: http://www.farawaypress.com/games/swkotorguide.html. Mauser 13:18, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Requires updating from Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic 40: Dueling Ambitions, Part 2.  CC7567  (talk) 06:52, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Darth Nihilus

 * Nominated by:  NaruHina Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:25, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Thanks to Cylka for the inspiration and information. Lets make this the first Restored GA!

(2 ACs/8 Users/10 Total)
Support
 * 1) <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 16px"><font color=#008080>Cylka  <span style="font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 13px"><font color=#00A693>-talk- 07:21, 27 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 2)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  13:54, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 05:22, 6 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 07:00, 10 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) A good romp with the FAN would do this some real justice, methinks. —Tommy9281 Dark Side Master TotG.jpg ( Peace is a lie ) 15:15, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Goodwood  Redstarbird.svg ( Alliance Intelligence ) 23:57, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:43, 30 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Kilson likes PIE Nice job, very well done. 16:50, 06 February, 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Dark Lord Trayus 03:27, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  22:14, 6 March 2009 (UTC)

Object style="color: #000000;">Talk  08:56, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) The BtS is a bit all over the place. Please subsection it as appropriate and break it into proper paragraphs; it looks a bit triviaish at the moment. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 12:23, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 2) *I think I fixed it. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:13, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 3) Cylka:
 * 4) * The Trayus Academy kept on producing legions of Sith Lords, Assassins and Marauders, who spread death and the following of the dark side like a disease. What does "the following of the dark side" mean? Please clarify.
 * 5) **Rephrased. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:31, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) * As it neared the Miraluka colonized world Katarr, Nihilus spoke, obliterating Katarr How did him speaking obliterate Katarr? Please clarify. Maybe you could add in something to the effect that the Miraluka could hear him through the Force and that his "voice" in the Force was his hunger, therefore hearing him=death.
 * 7) **Rephrased. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:31, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 8) * [...]the Dark Lord seemed too strong to defeat, then the Exile learned of his weakness and turned the tide. Visas also entered into a trance and tried to disrupt the link with her former Master, undermining his connection to the Force. This makes it sound like they both were in a trance, although I'm pretty sure only Visas was in a trance. Please reword.
 * 9) **And rephrased. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:31, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 10) * With Traya gone, the Sith were left with no defined leadership and many factions arose, all seeking to take what little remained of Revan's Sith Empire. However, Nihilus and Sion were now the leaders of the Sith. These statements appear to contradict each other. I know what you mean, but others may not. Reword to say that they became the leaders because they got rid of Traya.
 * 11) **Rephrased. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:03, 27 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 12) * Give an actual date for the conclave and destruction of Katarr. I actually found a definitive source for the date; I changed all the articles to reflect this. You can find it there. * Cylka *  11:21, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 13) **Fixed it. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:03, 27 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 14) *Good job with adding a lot of info to the article. * Cylka *  02:40, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 15) **Thank you. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:31, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 16) Soresu
 * 17) * it killed all but a few of those who were crushed on the planet's surface. This does not make sense. It sounds as if it killed almost everyone, and then the survivors were crushed.
 * 18) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:02, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 19) * Using the Force, he was able to keep his robes, armor and mask together, giving him some form, allowing him to use his Force powers and wield a lightsaber, but apart from that he had no longer a physical form and he became simple primitive intention. Break this sentence up.
 * 20) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:02, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) * I would suggest integrating the third paragraph of 'Encounter with Visas Marr' with the second. This is so you can say that the conclave was the original reason why Nihilus had come to the planet. You should probably add the intentional info leak by Atris and that it was meant to be a trap for him. I'll take a look at the rest in a few hours. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 22:11, 27 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 22) **Merged NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 10:50, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 23) * The 'Downfall' section is out of chronology. Please put it into the correct order of events.
 * 24) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 10:50, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 25) **Sorry about not getting this stuff last night (I had a blackout while writing), but the second and third paragraphs are still not in order. For example, the disturbance in the Force, Visas' joining the Exile, and the end of the Onderon Civil War all occurred after the destruction of the mining facility. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 22:01, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 26) *** I'm not seeing where it is out of chronology. Could you please quote where you see it. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 11:47, 2 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) ****Nevermind, reading at 3:30AM does things to the mind. I think I fixed it.
 * 28) * The hunger he possessed was a means of severing connections between life, the Force, and feeding upon the death it caused the closer he came to it. Reword. Also, what was he coming closer to? SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 03:06, 28 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 29) **No clue there. Removed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 08:31, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 30) Chack Attack:
 * 31) * "Under the tutelage of Darth Traya he became one of the three Dark Lords of the Sith at the time, the Sith Triumvirate, under the title of the Lord of Hunger, the others being Traya and Darth Sion." This is phrased a bit poorly.
 * 32) **Rephrased? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 11:57, 2 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * "An emptiness swept over his body and it soon began hungering. Without meaning to, he drained the life of someone; it was an unpleasant experience, but for a brief moment the hunger ceased, only to come back more relentless than before." This should also be rephrased.
 * 34) **I'm not sure of how I could rephrase it and people in the IRC think its fine. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:29, 3 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) ***Right, don't worry about it then.
 * 36) * "his voice a great hunger heard" Can you hear hunger? :P Seriosuly, I know what you're trying to say, but it could written better here.
 * 37) **Got it NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 22:42, 3 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * "The situation on Onderon got out of hand" Too colloquial.
 * 39) **A two birds with one stone fix. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 23:43, 2 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * "learned of his weakness" What was his weakness?
 * 41) **Got it. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 11:57, 2 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) *Very good job. I'd suggest taking this to FA when it passes GA (only if you feel you're ready, of course).  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 21:36, 1 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) Please rework the beginning a little bit. We shouldn't be saying things like "all that is known of Nihilus' beginning" because this is out-of-universe. You could alter that to reflect the knowledge of the characters in-universe. You should also contextify/link the Exile upon her first mention in the bio. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 15:31, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) *I already linked/contextified her in the Downfall section. "The Jedi Exile[link] returned to Republic space after being banished from the Jedi Order for following Revan to the Mandalorian Wars. She had begun to reestablish her connection to the Force which was severed during the Battle of Malachor V."
 * 45) **But that occurs after "when the Exile gave the order to activate the Mass Shadow Generator," which is her first mention. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 16:11, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) ***Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:25, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) *Did I fix the lead-in right? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:15, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) Toprawa:
 * 49) * Sourcing needs some serious clean up before I'm going to let this thing pass, and I really have no qualms about expressing my dissatisfaction with the level of review by our AC members here. Please eliminate the unnecessary redundant sourcing in the biography. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:43, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) **I disagree with you on the sourcing; but for the sake of the nom, I fixed it. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:15, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) ***I'm not sure what there is to disagree about it. An article is either sourced correctly, or it isn't, and this one wasn't. Fortunately, you have corrected this. Toprawa and Ralltiir 04:22, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) Pasta Bowl; part the first&hellip;
 * 53) * More aesthetic than anything else, but there is no image of Nihilus from TSL in the article. None. Surely a screen shot can be taken. One of Nihilus and Marr together would be extremely beneficial to readers since their paths are so intertwined.
 * 54) **I will work on getting another but the image at the end of the Biography is from TSL. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:25, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) ***A shot of Visas before Nihilus has been added.-- Goodwood Redstarbird.svg ( Alliance Intelligence ) 23:57, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 56) *Be careful with the flow in the Introduction. It is choppy with a lot of short finite sentences. I tried to clean it up, but it needs some work in the prose to make it smooth and fluid.
 * 57) **Done? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:25, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) ***I see what you did. Okay, a few things.
 * 59) **** "After losing everything&hellip; after surviving&hellip;" Both 'afters' make it awkward.
 * 60) *****Never mind. I fixed this one myself. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) ****"he turned to the dark side&hellip;" Was he a Jedi? Otherwise, turning would imply that.
 * 62) *****Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:36, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) **** "The apprentices became more and more powerful." This seems just dropped in. There is nothing before that states an apprenticeship aside from "tutelage." The triumvirate, however, implies equality rather than a Master-Apprentice relationship. Additionally, it is so disconnected from the discussion of Nihilus and Traya that no real link can be formed. This connection and the associated wording needs to be reworked and rewritten. It needs to be as clear as possible for the reader to know when he was an apprentice, when he was an equal, and when he overpowered his former master.
 * 64) ***** This is only partially cleaned up. "&hellip;encase his spirit within his mask and armor. The apprentices grew in strength during their training; eventually overpowering and exiled their Master, severing her ties to the Force." Note the disjunction between the sentences. It is also disjunctive at the semicolon, which is also improperly used, here. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) ******I think I got it this time. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:24, 13 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) **** Similarly, the sentences about his "hunger" and experiences with the mass shadow generator should be mentioned with the Malachor remarks.
 * 67) *****Addressed. NaruHina  <span
 * 1) ****** Okay, so this one was moved, but the connectivity was breached. "&hellip;the affliction began to ravage his body. He then came under the apprenticeship&hellip;" Awkward transition, please rectify. Perhaps mention him being "found" might help. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *******I think I smoothed it out. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:45, 30 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) * I split the first paragraph of the biography. Make certain the reference at the split point is still correct.
 * 4) **They are still correct. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 22:10, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) * The second paragraph of the biography merely states that he was trained by Traya, but after it is stated that he was "christened" as a Sith Lord. Firstly, was he ever apprenticed by Traya? The Intro and infobox states that he was in a Master-Apprentice relationship, but this paragraph does not. Secondly, was he instantaneously found and then "christened" as a Sith Lord? There is a strong disconnect along the time line. Please clarify this paragraph and expand.
 * 6) **Addressed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:25, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ***Better, but a couple of things:
 * 8) **** "He followed her there, to her school on Malachor, and learned the ways of the Sith." Isn't he already on Malachor, or is that not known?
 * 9) *****I fixed this one, too. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) **** "Time passed and he was eventually a newly christened&hellip;" the eventually...newly part that throws me off. Also, "christened" is an awkward word for being given a title; can that be reworked while we are at it? Or, is that a canon word that I am not remembering?
 * 11) ***** Much better here; although, instances of "christened" still exist in the article. Additionally, I do not believe the phrase "Nihilus was named a Sith Lord during this conflict&hellip;" comes from information within TSL. Is there someplace else, or am I missing something? I could be incorrect. Please double check for me. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) ******I'm not seeing any, though it is early in the morning, but christened is a canon word for it. Its in the KotOR CG. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:45, 30 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) **** "Nihilus and Sion each honed different teachings of the dark side of the Force&hellip;" Different teachings or aspects/skills/etc.? Just checking.
 * 14) *****Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 09:12, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * "His power grew beyond what Traya could match and he allied himself with Darth Sion to challenge her, defeating the woman." Where? When? Expand. It is a significant character-development point in TSL.
 * 16) **Expanded. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 06:15, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) *** Quickie: "Nihilus allied himself with Darth Sion to challenge Traya, defeating the woman at the center of her own Academy in the very heart of Malachor V itself." What was the challenge? How did he defeat her?
 * 18) ****Addressed and as to the second part, thats in there, Sion beat her to a bloody pulp and they sapped her Force energy. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 09:12, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) *****Official objection struck, but I kind of would like to see this done up a little more if you have time. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * "With Traya gone, the Sith were left with no defined leadership and many factions arose&hellip;" Wait&hellip; where did these beings come from? Although not stated, it is implied earlier in the article that the Triumvirate was alone. Clarify.
 * 21) **Clarified. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 06:15, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) *** Sorry, but I do not believe it is. The paragraph prior to this might be a place to mention that the Sith Empire had fallen and various factions and followers existed. It is your choice, but all of a sudden a three-being group is now a broken and tattered empire as it reads now.
 * 23) ****Fixed? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 22:10, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) *****Better, but there are two things another thing with this:
 * 25) ****** "Nihilus and Sion, having been the ones who defeated Traya, took control of the fractured Sith, those who followed Traya but now wanted her power for themselves, and focused the groups on a common goal: the elimination of the Jedi Order." The last half of this&mdash;from "those," onward&mdash;makes little sense. First off, the sentence needs to be broken up, it is a long run-on. Next, who are "those?" Are they Nihilus and Sion? Are they other Sith minions who did Traya's bidding? Clarify. In fact, please rework this entire sentence. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) *******Fixed? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 06:43, 2 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) ****** Break up the paragraph at "With Traya gone&hellip;" &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) *******Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:58, 30 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) * "Nihilus and Sion, having been the ones who defeated Traya, took control of the fractured Sith and focused the groups on a common goal: the elimination of the Jedi Order." Did they work together directly, or indirectly? Their goals in eliminating the Jedi Order seem to have been different.
 * 30) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 06:15, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ***Better.
 * 32) * The subheading "Dark Lord of the Sith" seems out of place considering that his "christening" as such is mentioned paragraphs before and already expanded upon. Change divisions or the subheading title.
 * 33) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:20, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) ***Much, much better.
 * 35) * "With Traya overthrown, Nihilus had moved into a position of power. The Trayus Academy continued producing legions of Sith Lords, Assassins and Marauders." Disjunctive. What is the relationship between Nihilus and the Academy? If nothing, the first sentence is an unnecessary redundancy, and the next couple need to be reworked into Nihilus's scheme to show a connection.
 * 36) **Contextified that he attended the academy. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:56, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) *** Okay, but that does not help in this instance. That is too far away to be the explanation. It is a good setup for an explanation, however. Did Nihilus or Sion officially take over the Academy? How was it run? What happened? Otherwise, this is irrelevant information for this location in the article.
 * 38) ****Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:47, 26 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) ***** Better. Again, however, please double check the source. I do not believe all that information is in TSL. In fact, this one I am pretty certain of. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) ******Fixed for this one. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:58, 30 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) *******Striking it for now to clear this round of objections. I will re-mention it in the next round. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 16:44, 23 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * In conjunction with the above: "They spread death throughout the galaxy like a disease&hellip;" Is it described "like a disease" in TSL or the CG? If not, remove it; it borders on OR and is not NPoV.
 * 43) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:06, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) * Continuing the conjunction: "What they experienced first hand in his wake allowed them to become stronger near Force-sensitives, and feel their prey through the Force." This does not make sense. Reword, please.
 * 45) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:06, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) *** "&hellip;allowed them to become stronger near other Force-sensitives&hellip;" Contextualize or expand "stronger."
 * 47) *** "&hellip;and feel their targets through the Force across great distances." I think I understand what is being explained, but it is too cumbersome as it stands right now. I am not sure why, but I am having a difficult time with this clause.
 * 48) ****Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:56, 26 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) * "His flagship, the Ravager, roamed the borders of known space." Okay. And? This sentence, aside from beginning a paragraph with a pronoun, has no relation to the paragraph it is heading. Connect and remove the pronoun or eliminate altogether. The Ravager should probably be mentioned and sourced when he pulls ships from Malachor V.
 * 50) **Removed an fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:09, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) * "Atris, a Jedi Master, organized a large gathering of Jedi on the Miraluka colony world Katarr. After organizing the event, she then leaked the location." I reworded it to flow better, but it needs to be stated why she leaked the event.
 * 52) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:06, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) * "It overpowered them and obliterated the surface of Katarr&hellip;" What is "it?" His voice? His hunger?
 * 54) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:06, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) * "Nihilus killed much of what remained of the Jedi Order&hellip;" So basically, no one was left? Make sure that the amount implied is actually stated in the sources.
 * 56) **I fixed it by putting the context of it at the beginning of that paragraph. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:29, 18 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) ***I will let it pass. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * "&hellip;including the renowned Jedi Zhar Lestin, Dorak and Vandar Tokare." "Renowned" is not a word I would use here. It is PoV-laden and should be tempered. Also, any other figures present that should be noted?
 * 59) **Fixed and no, there's not, its almost like the Golden Globes, and aside from that, I thought three would be a good number as to not disrupt the flow. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:25, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) ***Sorry, I don't follow. What does the Golden Globes have to do with the Conclave gathering? I don't follow.
 * 61) ****Its just a joke. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 22:51, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) *****Oh, sorry. As people say these days: "My bad." :) &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) * "As he walked on the surface, Darth Nihilus found only a single living thing, an injured woman named Visas Marr." The wording of this implies that she happened to survive; although a couple sentences later states outright that she had been spared. Clarify this.
 * 64) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:06, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) *** In TSL, she remarks that she was spared. This should be addressed here.
 * 66) ****Fixed to say he didn't spare her but she survived and wanted to know why. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 22:51, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 67) *****Great fix. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * Throughout the article, Visas Marr is referred to simply as "Visas." This is not a proper encyclopedic naming convention unless there are two with the same last name. I know she is referred to as Visas in TSL, but they are on a first name basis, just like talking to "Canderous," or "Atton," or anyone else. Please change these appearances.
 * 69) **I fixed all that I could find. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:19, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) ***I went through and fixed them. The BtS was riddled with them.
 * 71) * "&hellip;and carved out the flesh where her eyes would be had she been human." Well, she is not Human. This analogy seems a bit of a stretch. Please find another way to describe it using a Miraluka-based description rather than that of another species.
 * 72) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:30, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) * "She eventually became his trusted sole apprentice; she even developed a powerful Force bond with her Master." Choppy, please reword, expand, and make more fluid.
 * 74) **Fixed? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:32, 17 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) * Before I forget, the date in the infobox does not come from TSL, as no year is mentioned in the game. Please find a source. There are a few to chose from.
 * 76) **The NEC came through for once. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 09:28, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) *So far, I've read up to "Downfall," but I think I will stop there for now. Good luck.
 * 78) **I will resume after this part has been finished. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 06:35, 24 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 79) ***Still more to do in this part. A good copyedit might help, as well. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 00:30, 29 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) *&mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 18:56, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) Pasta bowl, part the second:
 * 82) *There was still one outstanding objection from above. To make it easy, I'm reposting it here: The first paragraph of 1.2.1 (Encounter with Marr), I believe, does not all come from TSL. Please double check that for me.
 * 83) **I think that was said in TSL but I'm not 100% sure anymore. I've taken out the things I'm not sure of. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:28, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) *** If this information is true, it is useful to his biography. Please double check other sources so that the article is comprehensive. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) ****Checked. Wasn't there. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 12:18, 15 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) * "At this point, Nihilus's next move&hellip;" What is "this" point? Contextify and clarify.
 * 87) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:22, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) * "The Jedi Exile returned to Republic space&hellip;" This paragraph needs to start with a transition phrase.
 * 89) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:22, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) ***Struck defunct objection due to major corrections suggested by other reviewers. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) *"In a turn of events, the Peragus Mining Facility was destroyed, restoration efforts throughout the Outer Rim were doomed, and secessionist movements on planets such as Onderon got out of hand." A few things:
 * 92) ** "In a turn of events" is awkward here. It implies that Atris could no longer control or manipulate what was happening. While this may be the case, it does not seem to quite fit.
 * 93) ***Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:52, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) ****Rendered defunct.
 * 95) ** "&hellip; the Peragus Mining Facility was destroyed, restoration efforts throughout the Outer Rim were doomed, etc." The current set up indicates that the incident on Peragus was just one of the events, not a prompter of those events. Peragus prompted Telos. Please reword to clarify. Also, "doomed" is PoV.
 * 96) ***Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:52, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 97) ****Rendered defunct.
 * 98) ** "Restoration efforts" does not seem correct, to me. Telos was the only restoration effort mentioned in TSL, and it is the only one that is mentioned as active since it was a pilot program. If I am missing something, please clarify this. If not, please fix it, because it is a blanket statement that is considered OR.
 * 99) ***Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:52, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) ** Same thing for "secessionist movements." Also, "got out of hand" is PoV.
 * 101) ***Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:29, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 102) ****Not fixed. Please cite the plural nature of it.
 * 103) ****Changed to singular. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:38, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 104) *****We'll tweak this again below. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:30, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 105) * "When the Exile defeated Marr instead, the Miraluka began to question her conclusions of what her master once showed her and was swayed to serve the Exile against the slayer of her people." I already separated this from another sentence, but please break this up again so it is less of a run-on.
 * 106) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:52, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 107) * "Nihilus's plans for Onderon failed&hellip;" Ok, so we are back at Onderon now. Just from what I have read in this section, thus far, it needs to be organized better. We start at Onderon, then jump to the Exile in a disjunctive fashion, then reintroduce Nihilus backhandedly, then jump back to Onderon. Either all of the Onderon stuff should be together or the progression needs to be smoothed over substantially. While the first option pulls apart the chronology a bit, it could be very effective. The latter option allows for a preservation of the chronology, but will take some work to keep things flowing. Basically, the ideas should not come to an abrupt halt at the end of every paragraph. Sometimes there is no way around that, but, in this case, I do not believe it is necessary to have such abrupt changes.
 * 108) **I chose the former and I think it works well. 05:37, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) ***We'll tweak this again later, too, during the final run-through. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 110) * "Nihilus's plans for Onderon failed when the Exile stopped the Onderon Civil War." She singlehandedly stopped the civil war? Maybe "intervened" would be better.
 * 111) **Changed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:37, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 112) *"When a detachment of Sith were dispatched to Iziz from the nearby moon of Dxun, they were still unaware of the presence of a base that Nihilus had established in Freedon Nadd's tomb; the Sith had stayed clear of Mandalorian patrols even though they were very close to the Mandalorian Outpost." A few things:
 * 113) ** First, all of a sudden there are Sith on Dxun? What's Dxun have to do with it? What were those Sith there for? Contextify.
 * 114) ***Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:59, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 115) ****Still needs work. The Freedon Nadd's tomb, now referenced as "Nihilus's base" has no earlier context or predication. This is an important thing to mention. I know it was trimmed out based upon Acky's objection below. I am not disagreeing with him; rather, I am saying to include the relevant information in a manner that is not a play-by-play of the game, and in the proper chronological frame, not the order it was necessarily revealed in the game. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 116) *****Is this the kind of thing you want? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:35, 2 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 117) **** Also, sentence before indicates that Mandalore and his people were living on Onderon, and not Dxun. Please correct this. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 118) *****Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:35, 2 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 119) ** Next, who is "they" (after Dxun)?
 * 120) ***Contextified NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:59, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 121) ** "&hellip;the presence of a base&hellip;" Context now arrives, but it is too late. The paragraph at the beginning of Downfall, which describes Nihilus setting up his Onderon scheme is too short. The context should be there. It would greatly enhance that paragraph and allow for a just a short one-or-two word reference here to refresh our memory.
 * 122) ***Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:59, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 123) **** This objection stands, dovetailing off of the previous. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 124) *****I'll address this again later. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:30, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 125) ** Then, the semicolon is used wrongly here. It would be better to just cut the sentence.
 * 126) ***Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:59, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 127) **"The Sith had stayed clear of Mandalorian patrols&hellip;" Wait, there are Mandalorians, now? Context. It would be good to mention the presence of Mandos on Dxun when it talks about the Exile joining forces with them. After all, that is where the bargain was reached.
 * 128) ***Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:59, 25 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 129) ****Again, dovetailing off of the previous standing objections. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 130) *****I'm still not completely satisfied with this one, but I'll address it again in the next part.
 * 131) * "When Kreia recognized a greater threat than what seemed to be merely a staging base, the Exile took action against it." The part that does not quite make sense to me is "than what seemed to be merely a staging base." Please clarify this.
 * 132) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:04, 8 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 133) *** Sorry, but this is even more confusing now. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 134) ***** How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:25, 11 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 135) ******Somewhat better. Again, we will rework this later. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:30, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 136) * "Meanwhile, the Exile, Kreia, and a third companion headed to Iziz to support Queen Talia and keep Onderon in the Republic." I thought the third companion had to be Mandalore. I could be wrong on this, so please double check. Thanks.
 * 137) **No, Mandalore could be sent to Dxun as well, In fact, Kreia says its a good idea to take him there. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 06:01, 27 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 138) *** I would not even mention Kreia, then. If the third companion is player-chosen and Kreia is not mentioned in the paragraph (or, what should be the paragraph), then simply stated "Exile and two companions" as the remark. To help codify Kreia's unnecessary mention, please split the paragraph at "afterwards." &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 139) ****Good point. Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:35, 2 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 140) *** Dovetailing with this: The Exile can convince Talia to permit Vaklu to at least stand trial. I believe this is the light-sided choice. So, correct that sentence accordingly. Additionally, play down this information as passing for link purposes. Condense. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 141) ****Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:25, 11 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 142) *"There, Sith Lords and Dark Jedi had joined the separatists and were marching to the Iziz Royal Palace, accompanied by Sith wranglers and their huge beasts. Vaklu was stopped, and Colonel Tobin became part of Kreia's deception to draw out Darth Nihilus." Okay. A couple of things:
 * 143) ** First, the two sentences are disjunctive. A lot is missing from here. "Valku was stopped" explains nothing. A sentence or two (plus a link) about the Second Battle of Onderon would be very useful here.
 * 144) ***Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 22:54, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 145) ** Then, expand slightly upon Kreia's plan to use Tobin as a pawn. (A lot of pawning and manipulating is happening at this time, and it would be beneficial to make certain the readers know who is manipulating who.)
 * 146) ***Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:24, 2 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 147) * "&hellip;she told Tobin that it was there that the Jedi were hiding." What's so special about Telos, then? Jedi were hiding all over the galaxy.
 * 148) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:24, 2 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 149) * "When Nihilus and his fleet arrived near the planet, Republic Admiral Carth Onasi, aboard his flagship, the Sojourn, engaged them in conjunction a group of Mandalorians in the Battle of Telos IV." This needs to be reworded and contextified. Why were the Mandos there? Who allied with who? Anyone else present? Was the battle entirely in space? What role did the Exile have in setting it up? Kreia? etc.
 * 150) **How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:40, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 151) *** "When Nihilus and his fleet arrived near the planet, the Republic Navy was there to meet him, working with Canderous Ordo's Mandalorians who were there to assist the Exile and their Mandalore, starting the Battle of Telos IV." Reword this and, if necessary, break it up so it is clear and flows better. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 152) ****This better? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:29, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 153) * "Realizing that he had been betrayed, Nihilus had no choice but to feed upon Telos anyway, or his hunger would have consumed him." Does he actually realize his betrayal, or is he more intent on feeding than anything else? Clarify.
 * 154) **Is this good? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:24, 2 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 155) ***First part was better; I fixed the last part. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 156) * "Nihilus's ship was assaulted and boarded by the Mandalorians, and the Mandalore accompanied both the Exile and Visas Marr on their fight to the bridge of the ship and to the final confrontation with Nihilus." First, was this part of the plan? A couple words of context would help. Next, this sentence is a run-on. Break it up, into at least two sentences.
 * 157) **Fixed? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:04, 8 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 158) ***I cannot seem to find the changes. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 159) ****"Nihilus's ship was assaulted and boarded by the Mandalorians in a coordinated final strike against Nihilus. The Mandalore led his troops to and aboard the Ravager, while covered by the Republic forces, to assist the Exile and Visas Marr in their fight to the bridge of the ship." NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:12, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 160) * "Twisted by the dark side from exposure to Nihilus's dark powers in the time since Kreia saved him, he agreed to help the Mandalorians detonate the charges after he realized that it would only be a matter of time until Onderon would meet the same fate as Telos if Nihilus was to succeed." Run-on.
 * 161) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 06:38, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 162) *** It is not technically a run-on, now, but it needs to be smoother and less wordy. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 163) ****How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 22:35, 15 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 164) * "Before the final confrontation, Marr had a chance to visit her old meditation chamber, stopping to meditate for a moment and finally coming to terms with the destruction of her homeworld, forsaking vengeance and fully embracing the light side of the Force." Run-on.
 * 165) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 02:25, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 166) ***Defunct. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 167) * "During the final showdown with Nihilus, the Exile, whose tie to the Force had previously been severed and whose leech-like nature was of the same nature as Nihilus's, could not be consumed by him, so when he tried, he exhausted himself and was made vulnerable." Run-on and very convoluted.
 * 168) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:56, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 169) *** Still very convoluted. The "Nihilus, he" is very awkward, for one. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 170) ****How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:12, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 171) *** Also, I do not really like the "leech-like" analogy. Is that from TSL? If not, reword. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 172) ****Changed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:12, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 173) * "They engaged in a quick fight, with the Dark Lord seemingly too strong to defeat, then the Exile learned of his aversion to her and turned the tide." Run-on.
 * 174) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:56, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 175) * "Marr entered a trance and tried to disrupt the link with her former Master, undermining his connection to the Force." This sentence does not quite make sense. I think you are referring to their Force bond, but I am not certain.
 * 176) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 06:14, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 177) *"The three of them managed to defeat him and escape the vessel's destruction, but before making for the orbital shuttle they used to board the ship, his mask was removed by Marr, who wanted to see the face of the one who had wounded her." Run-on. Also, do not use "managed" for this. It implies that it was an impossible upset and is passive.
 * 178) **Broken up. 06:14, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 179) *** Please fix the other part, too. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 180) ****I did, I think. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:12, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 181) *****I'll leave it alone for now. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:30, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 182) * "The Sith lived on after the fall of the Sith Triumvirate." It would be beneficial to contextify this since Nihilus was not the only member of the Triumvirate.
 * 183) **Clairified. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:09, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 184) * "At some point during his life, Darth Nihilus created a holocron that eventually fell into the hands of Darth Krayt several millennia later after the Sith had reclaimed the galaxy for the first time since the fall of the Galactic Empire." Run-on.
 * 185) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:12, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 186) * In the sentence about the holocrons, it would be better to link directly to the holocron instead of the dark lords.
 * 187) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:41, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 188) * "The only response he received from Nihilus was a statement in the Sith Lord's peculiar language, which his comrades didn't bother to translate." Contraction-alert? Also, 'did not bother to' is too idiomatic for this type of writing.
 * 189) **Fixed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:12, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 190) ***I fixed this one. I still had to eliminate the contraction. Please do not use them in the articles. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 191) *So you know, I have broken a lot of run-on sentences up since reviewing began. Please be aware of this as you are writing and doing a copy edit. Also, there were a some spelling and minor grammar mistakes in some of the earlier corrections which have been fixed. Take your time with these objections and do not rush through them. It is better to take a little longer and to do the best job possible the first time. The article is on its way, with the biography now done with the first run through. It has a lot of promise, Naru, so do not be discouraged. At the same time, keep a watchful eye out for details such as lacking context or runon sentences. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 16:44, 23 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 192) **I also echo Acky's remarks below. In some cases, the information itself is not bad, rather it is the presentation that is found wanting. Context can be given without offering a play-by-play of the game. Once the outstanding objections are addressed, we will go back through the biography and hash it out again to clean up loose ends. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:19, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 193) Remember you're not writing a summary of the game. Things like "Just before the Exile's return to Republic space, Nihilus allied himself with General Vaklu" and "When Nihilus and his fleet arrived near the planet, Republic Admiral Carth Onasi, aboard his flagship, the Sojourn" and "was healed by Kreia who told him that she was a Vakluist and instructed him to inform Nihilus of an active Jedi Academy on Telos IV" don't read like they're from Nihilus's bio. It should be like "Nihilus was informed of the message, and then took the Ravager to Telos." The penultimate paragraph in that section is an offender. It looks like a summary. "Before the final confrontation" - later events shouldn't be mentioned like that, unless it's the Battle of Yavin or somesuch. There's loads of extraneous information there - Visas visiting the chamber isn't relevant to Nihilus, and if it is, the article needs to convey that. "During the final showdown with Nihilus, the Exile's leech-like nature, due to her tie to the Force being cut at the end of the Battle of Malachor V, that was of the same nature as Nihilus's could not be consumed by him" could be clarified/broken up. Be careful when using pronouns; sometimes it's unclear who or what's being referred to. E.g. "When Nihilus and his fleet arrived near the planet" (last planet mentioned was Malachor, in previous sentence) and "Though he realized too late that there were no Force-sensitives in the Academy, his hunger drove him to still try to absorb Telos anyway or it would consume the Sith Lord" (last two people mentioned were Carth and Mandalore). -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 00:16, 8 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 194) *I've read through the entire article again and I believe I have corrected these. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:20, 19 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 195) Pasta bowl part the third (aka Biology redux):
 * 196) *First off, a word on why we are going through this again. There were many changes that were made and now continuity and context needs to be addressed. The other sections will fall into place once the bio is set. This includes, especially, the introduction as it should mirror the bio. Also, the P&T and P&A would be enhanced by the solid nature of the bio. This is going to be done in segments With that in mind, I quote Mario: "Here we go!"
 * 197) *"Nihilus survived the Mandalorian Wars&hellip;" Context? Mandalorian Wars? Survived?
 * 198) **Reworded. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:10, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 199) *"In his grief, the man assumed a dark persona on Malachor V&hellip;" Malachor? Context arrives in the next sentences and that is too late.
 * 200) **Rearranged. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:10, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 201) *"Without meaning to, he drained the life-force of another survivor; it was an unpleasant experience, but for a brief moment the hunger ceased." Please, do not use the semicolon here. Separate the sentences and fix the lead in to the second one.
 * 202) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:10, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 203) *"Nihilus was eventually discovered by Darth Traya&hellip;" I know there is not a lot of context that could be added, but some qualifying context is needed about this individual.
 * 204) **There is not much known about her at this point aside that she was DLotS. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 205) *"Nihilus and Sion each honed different aspects and skills of the dark side of the Force, until the three joined in the creation of a Sith Triumvirate, styling themselves with unique titles."
 * 206) **Okay. First, something should be mentioned before this point when Nihilus becomes "Nihilus." If it not at this point, because he is not a Sith Lord, then it should be mentioned as such.
 * 207) ***Added NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 208) **Next, is Sion mentioned by "Sion" at this point? When was he given such a name? I ask because it effects how you introduce him. He should not be mentioned by "Sion" until after the giving of names.
 * 209) ***Added. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 210) **Third, this sentence needs to be broken apart&mdash;if not rewritten.
 * 211) ***Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 212) *"&hellip;"taught him how to harness it&hellip;" What is "it?"
 * 213) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 214) *"His power and desire for more power grew beyond what Traya could match." Awkward wording. Please fix.
 * 215) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 216) *"Nihilus allied himself with Sion to challenge Traya, defeating the woman at the center of her own Academy&hellip;" This is really nitpicky, but "woman"&mdash;implying Human female&mdash;has no context in the bio to this point for Traya.
 * 217) **Contexted at her first mention. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 218) *"Sion and Nihilus entered the core from two separate doors and closed in on Kreia while igniting their lightsabers, Kreia followed suit by igniting hers." Wait. Now she is known as Kreia? Fix.
 * 219) **Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 220) *The phrase "only a few feet away" is not canonical. First off, meters and the derivatives are used in the SW universe. Secondly, the idiom does not seem to work here. Try to rephrase this.
 * 221) **Removed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 222) *"Meekly, Traya attempted to reach her lightsaber, which was only a few feet away from her. She tried through the Force but failed when Sion stooped over her, grabbed her face, and stood, Traya still within his grip. He proceeded to slam her head into the tooth then punched and kneed her before slamming her to the ground." This is too detailed to be apart of the Nihilus article. Try to summarize this into something a little more compact and relevant to Nihilus. As it stands right now, its just going through the recanting of game scenes which is not necessary here. Basically, I do not see a need for the mentioning of stooping, grabbing, standing, slamming, etc. with such detail.
 * 223) **Cut. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 01:16, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 224) *Okay. Let's stop there. I am going to go through this run through more methodically so that we do not miss something in the stream of bullet points. &mdash; Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:30, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * I'm horrible with BtS reviewing, so I won't do that. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 03:06, 28 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Done. 03:59, 17 January 2009 (UTC)

Remove nomination (AgriCorps vote only)
 * 1) Sure, there has been activity on this as recently as April 2, but there have been no responses to things left back in March, even. This has been here since before Christmas and I believe that it should not sit here any longer.  Graestan ( Talk ) 17:31, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Gelesi

 * Nominated by: NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 21:54, 21 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: In the name of the Face of Revan!

(2 ACs/1 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) --Eyrezer 03:48, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 02:01, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 19:23, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) You need to provide some more context in the bio section regarding his choice to support the Queen. I know it is mentioned in the intro, but needs to be in the bio as well. Also, doesn't it need light-side tags seeing as the dark-side path is in the Bts? --Eyrezer 04:04, 23 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *It is mentioned in the Bio and I've added the tags. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 08:31, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) **The addition you made to the intro re the Queen is good. But what I was suggesting is that the extra context should be placed in the Biography section, rather than the intro. As it is currently, the intro has more info of the Queen/Vaklu conflict than the biography. --Eyrezer 21:30, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:31, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****Yep.
 * 6) Graestan the Merciless:
 * 7) * Was the CSWE checked?
 * 8) **Yes, I'm told there is nothing significant. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * "Young" is pretty subjective. Please remove.
 * 10) **Removed NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * Mentioning that he lives in Iziz, and not just plain Onderon, is essential in both the intro and bio.
 * 12) **Done
 * 13) * Context for Talia's and Vaklu's ideals in the intro.
 * 14) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:42, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * Context for the Onderon Civil War in the intro.
 * 16) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:46, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * Context for the Second Battle of Onderon in the intro.
 * 18) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:42, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * Do we know he was only one of three total Captains of the Guard for Iziz? It sounds speculative.
 * 20) **Yes we do. That girl who wants them gone if the Exile sides with Vaklu says so. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * "Gelesi did not fall victim to a murder" – This is pretty evident. It's also pretty much unnecessary. Please either reword considerably or remove.
 * 22) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:14, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * Context for the Jedi Exile.
 * 24) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:42, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * Context for Kavar.
 * 26) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 14:20, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * There is zero setup for the political situation. Please expand the bio with the necessary information.
 * 28) * From the intro and P&T, I can tell that this article is far from complete in terms of telling his story as part of the larger situation. Please expand it appropriately. I'll continue my review at that point. Graestan ( Talk ) 04:10, 23 February 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) Cylka:
 * 30) * Iziz wasn't a major or a large city on Onderon, it was the only city. Please change the intro and article body to reflect this.
 * 31) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) * Was Sullio his good friend? If she was, you need to add that to the article proper as well.
 * 33) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * You give two different versions of Sullio's murder -- one in the intro the other in the article body. Please correct them so that they will be the same.
 * 35) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * In the introduction, I believe everything will flow a bit more smoothly if you introduce the political situation first, then the fact that Gelesi is torn between them.
 * 37) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * wanted to secede from the Rebublic as they felt it was dragging Onderon into to many conflicts. - What is this it, that is dragging Onderon into too many conflicts? Please clarify.
 * 39) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * He was among the soldiers that verified a visa belonging to the Jedi Exile, a woman in search of any surviving Jedi High Council members to help her in eliminating the Sith Triumvirate, as she was in a rush to leave the planet. - There is almost zero context for any of this information. We really don't know who the Exile was, or why she was an Exile. What exactly happened to the Jedi High Council, in that there are only survivors. Who is the Sith Triumvirate, and why do they need to be eliminated. And why is she in a rush to leave the planet? You either need to give some context or you need to streamline the information that you are going to give.
 * 41) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:42, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * Why did the Onderon Civil War start? And I believe that you should pipelink the Second Battle of Onderon, otherwise you will have to explain why it is the second battle and not the first.
 * 43) **That is explained because the political situation escalated. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) * I'm not sure that you can say that Gelesi was the youngest of the three Captains. That is a bit subjective. Same with him being Human. What is your source for that?
 * 45) **He is obviously human. He even has the face of a confirmed human. If you argue that, what is the source for Bostuco, Andi, Carth, or Jolee? There are no Cylons in Star Wars. Also, Andi calls him the youngest of the guards so the info is valid. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * I also wouldn't say that the Republic dragged Onderon into the wars. It was more like Onderon, as part of the Republic, had a responsibility to take part in these wars.
 * 47) **The opinion of the Vakluists was that they were "dragging" them into the conficts but I have an idea for a compromise on this one though it may be a bit wordy.
 * 48) * though in actuality the Hawk was the one attacked by the Onderon Military. - Why was the Hawk attacked by the Onderon Military?
 * 49) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) * The Exile was in a rush to escape the planet after a meeting with Kavar, a Jedi Master and Jedi High Council member who went into hiding following an event that crippled the Jedi Order's numbers, that was interrupted by an attack by Vaklu's men. - This sentence is a bit disjointed. It appears that you just slapped some information in the middle of a previous sentence without trying to integrate the new information. Whay was the Exile in a rush? You need to contextify this "event" a bit more. What was interrupted by Vaklu's men?
 * 51) **Done, as well, It states that the meeting between Kavar and the Exile is interrupted. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) * By the time the Exile returned, after meeting with another Master, Onderon had fallen into full-scale civil war between the Royalists and Vakluist faction. - Why did the Exile return? I believe that you can cut out the part about her meeting another Master, since it has nothing to do with this article.
 * 53) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) * The Exile took a military command of the Royalist forces and pressed across the Sky Ramp, a walkway to the Iziz Royal Palace, fighting her way to the top alongside Bostuco and his men. - Why did the Exile take military command, and why did they need to get to the Palace? And to the top of what did they fight their way?
 * 55) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 56) * You should make it clear right from the start, and not the end, that the non-canonical version means that the Exile has sided with Vakklu from the beginning.
 * 57) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * In the Bts, why did Anda want the removal of the three Captains?
 * 59) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) * Who are the Beast Riders? They need some context in the Bts.
 * 61) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) * Another way to remove him is to have Panar, a Beast Rider working under Bakkel who frequented the Beast Rider's Den in the cantina, threaten to kidnap and marry his four-year old daughter if she chooses to support General Vaklu. - You need to fix your use of pronouns in this sentence. It is quite unclear who thinks what.
 * 63) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:42, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * What do you mean about being dark sided. Some one who is not familiar with the game, may not understand this.
 * 65) **Contextified. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) * I believe that the Prima Guide needs to be listed as a source as well.
 * 67) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * Again there are numerous spelling mistakes along with many linking issues. You also need to check your use of pronouns. Please check over the whole article.
 * 69) **There was only three, if you see it then take the 2 seconds it takes you using your internet and do it.
 * 70) * Please take care of these objections and I will look over the article again. I realize that some of my objections may fall under, but you have already promoted three articles to GA status, and so you know what kinds of things to look out for. Each of your previous articles, plus the ones that you currently have on the GAN page all have the same issues with them. You make the changes necessary to fix objections, but they appear to be somewhat hasty, and at times create additional issues. At this point, I am not inclined to give you much leeway. You have had plenty of time and practice to learn the ropes. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 16px"><font color=#008080>Cylka  <span style="font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 13px"><font color=#00A693>-talk- 12:04, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) **Look, I'm a bad speller, I haven't taken a spelling test since 5th grade. I do well enough and I ask that if you see it, fix it. As well, I know the ropes well enough, I've been a wookieepedian longer than you so I ask that you please take your expectations of me and leave them at the door. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 16:35, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) ***Look, Naru, the "I've been a wookieepedian longer than you" bit is unneeded and I don't like what you're implying with that. Cylka is right in that you should not be making the same mistakes over and over. Anyway, in the future, put the article into Word and spellcheck it. That's what I do before nominating things, and it works.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 22:06, 3 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) ****Yes, that was probably uncalled for but I assure you that there were no implications with it. And yes, I'll do that from now on not that I hadn't already done that in the past. However, by striking her objections without voting, Cylka has made her opinion quite obvious and I see no use of prolonging this conversation.  NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:02, 4 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) Soresu
 * 75) * The Exile was in a rush to escape the planet after a meeting with Kavar, a Jedi Master and Jedi High Council member who had went into hiding due to the crippling of the Jedi Order by the Triumvirate, that was interrupted, as Kavar was a Royalist, by an attack by Vaklu's men. This doesn't flow very well. Reword slightly.
 * 76) **Is this better? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:59, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) * There is a non-canonical ending of the game, as supporting Taila's faction is considered canon, the Jedi Exile, at the request of a Vaklu supporter named Anda, who wanted the removal of the three Captains of the Guard to weaken the Royalist military in preparation for the attack on the Royal Palace and was willing to pay the Exile twenty-five hundred credits for each one she removed. This sentence is dangling. There needs to be a bit at the end explaining what the Exile chooses to do. Since the second part of the sentence is just context, at the moment, it's reading like "There is a non-canonical ending of the game, as supporting Taila's faction is considered canon, the Jedi Exile, at the request of a Vaklu supporter named Anda." SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:52, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) **Done. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 04:59, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 79) Attack of the Clone
 * 80) * "he was given her rank and assignment, verifying starport visas, cards that allowed passage on and off the planet, at the entrance to the Merchant Quarter from Iziz Starport." The sentence seems rather choppy with a lot of commas stopping sentence flow; please try to rephrase.
 * 81) * "the Republic was unnecessarily dragging Onderon to war with them: bit awkward phrasing.
 * 82) * "an attack by Vaklu's men as Kavar was not only a Jedi but a high-ranking Royalist, the Exile was in a rush to escape the planet." This sentence is unclear; please check again.
 * 83) * "By the time the Exile returned, after receiving word that Kavar had been trying to contact her, Onderon had fallen into full-scale civil war between the Royalists and Vakluist faction." Two prepositions are used, and it's unclear whether each one applies to Onderon or the other preposition.
 * 84) * Vaklu and Revan both need context when they appear.
 * 85) **Vaklu has context and I've contextified Revan.
 * 86) * "and even a bit paranoid in his own opinion": so it was he himself that deemed himself to be paranoid? It sounds a bit strange; please check this.
 * 87) **He says in-game that he thinks he's become paranoid, I checked it before I wrote it. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:21, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) * Please reword "dark sided".
 * 89) **I moved the context before it and this way of phrasing it has been used in many FAs and GAs before. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 00:21, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) * I understand that you have different (and perhaps stronger) beliefs about the inclusion of context than I do, but there are some places in which the context just cuts through the sentence flow. One example is the first sentence of the Bio's third paragraph, and another is the last sentence of the same paragraph; in both cases, it's extremely unclear which context belongs to what. Dashes sometimes suffice, but overall the article's sentence flow is a bit choppy and run-on. Please check the article again and see if you can smooth it out more.  CC7567  (talk) 06:49, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) **How's this? NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 19:00, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Ordo Skirata

 * Nominated by:ToRsO bOy 18:31, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: First article. Oh boy.

(2 ACs/1 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Your first vote. Good job! SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 09:02, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Good work.  CC7567  (talk) 04:44, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Nice job :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 12:15, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Looking good, Ordo is easily the best Null --Jinzler 20:28, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Object . I don't know why we do it like that, but it's the precedent.
 * 1) Grunny's preliminary look
 * 2) *Before I get into the depth of the article, at a glance:
 * 3) ** Infobox needs to be completely sourced.
 * 4) ***Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ** Intro paragraphs should be combined into two paragraphs, to clean it up.
 * 6) ***Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ** "It is not known whether he lived to a ripe old age but chances are he may have, as his brother Jaing was still alive by 40 ABY; openly admitting that they did find a way to stop their accelerated aging." This is speculative and OR, clean it up so it only provides information given in the source.
 * 8) ***Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 00:37, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) ** You should combine some of the the shorter paragraphs in the Bio. For example, the first two paragraphs in "Training and childhood" should really be combined.
 * 10) ***Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) ** Over/underlinking: Make sure you link once in the intro and once in the article body.
 * 12) ***Question: If something has already been linked on the article body, there's no need to link it again somewhere down further correct?--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) ****Correct :). Check through for instances of overlinking.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:25, 14 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) *****Another question though. Is the biography part separate from the BTS, Personality and traits and talents part? Meaning if I linked something in the bio, do I still have to link then anew on those other parts? --ToRsO bOy 11:39, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) ******No, the biography, P&t, talents, and Bts are all part of the article body so you only need to link once in the intro and once in the article body :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 03:42, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) *******That explains a lot. Fixed. --ToRsO bOy 20:24, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) ********Found one or two more overlinks so as I'll strike this objection after I've worked through the whole article :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:33, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) ** Check for superfluous references.
 * 19) ***Trimmed those down to two instead of three. Is that ok?--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) ****Not exactly what I meant; I meant check through for instances where you reference the same source twice in a row, though I think I just removed the last ones :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:25, 14 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) *I'll read the article in depth soon :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 07:26, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **Much thanks.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) ***Good work so far. I'll review the article fully soon :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:25, 14 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) Soresu
 * 25) * Some things in the infobox are unsourced.
 * 26) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * You can't prove that Ordo was born in 32 BBY, unless it was specifically stated. (see a number of clone GA/FA's.)
 * 28) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) * A bit of info is required on how the Nulls were created (who, what, when, where, why) at the beginning of the biography.
 * 30) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 00:37, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ***Change 'unfortunately' to something else. It's slightly POV to use such words.
 * 32) ****Removed. --ToRsO bOy 00:05, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * Context on Kal Skirata, Battle of Geonosis
 * 34) **Can you elaborate a bit? I'm not sure I understand. --ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) ***You need to explain what they are, so that the reader doesn't have to click through to the page to learn that information. For example, Ordo and the Nulls were deployed along with majority of the clone troopers at the Battle of Geonosis. You need to tell us a bit about the battle. I would suggest something similar to ...Battle of Geonosis, the opening battle of the war between the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Galactic Republic. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 05:22, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) ****Gotcha. Added. --ToRsO bOy 00:05, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) * You've used the quote template which bolds the speaker's name. Most articles use
 * 1) **Will do. Though I saw some other GA's with bolded quotes.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) * The Jedi Master went in to negotiate the release of the hostages but was caught with a hidden strip-cam. His booby-trapped body was tossed out of the front door where it exploded. Okay, he was detected by a hidden device. Then you suddenly jump to him being booby-trapped and thrown out the front door. Is there a missing sentence about him being captured and having a bomb placed in his body?
 * 3) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * This is a shoot-to kill policy. It isn't shoot-to-kill?
 * 5) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * There he met Supervisor Besany Wennen, who at that time was also working undercover. Did Ordo actually know she was undercover?
 * 7) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * in order to hunt Chief Scientist Ko Sai. Chief scentist of what?
 * 9) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * In 'Return to Tipoca city', you jump to extracting Mereel and his data on cloning without first stating their intentions to slow down the aging process.
 * 11) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) *I will do the rest soon, I just saved this so Grunny doesn't steal my job :-). SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 07:32, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) **Much appreciated.--ToRsO bOy 12:40, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) Soresu's review continues
 * 15) * All of the Nulls would again meet months later at Laseema's apartment due to Jaing Skirata's spy program being discovered in the Treasury computer networks. What spy program? This was never said earlier in the Bio
 * 16) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * "Aliit, then. Our clan." What is aliit?
 * 18) **Changed.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) ***Oh, my apologies. That was more of a question than an objection. I was just wondering what aliit meant. The quote is better with that line on, sorry about that. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 05:31, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * Context on Ovolot Qail Uthan and Arla Fett.
 * 21) **Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) * Ordo tried vainly to resuscitate her but to no avail. Vainly is redundant.
 * 23) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) * They all arrived safely on Mandalore Are we forgetting about Etain? ?
 * 25) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) * Despite being extremely lethal and dangerous, Ordo's sole weakness was his vulnerability to the approval of Skirata. POV
 * 27) **Question: It was stated explicitly in the novel. Does that still count? Reworded.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) ***The rewording seems to have removed the POV. When it's stated in the novel, that's pretty much what you should try and do. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 05:31, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) * You could add some things into the P&T, such as his capacity for love (evidenced by marriage), his belief in Mandalorian customs (marriage ceremony), and his indifference to killing others (such as when he shot Lemmeloth in the head, and when he left Zey to die.
 * 30) **Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) * Ordo was an even better soldier compared to a regular clone trooper Better is POV.
 * 32) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * In talents and abilities, you should note his ability to use different firearms such as the Verpine, and his combat training, which made him an able fighter (evidenced by events such as the hostage seige).
 * 34) **Added.--ToRsO bOy 02:34, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) * Bts expansion. I'm sure there's more info out there.
 * 36) **I honestly don't know what else to add or where I can find them. Do you have any suggestions? I thought I'd look into Karen's blogs but all of them have been discontinued. --ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) ***Well, Bts review was never my strength, but you could mention something about the other sources, such as O66 and True Colors expanding on his later life. I'm really not sure what else there is on him, but any sort of info about his developent and any canon discrepancies should also go here. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 05:31, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) ****Added more info. --ToRsO bOy 00:28, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) * The last paragraph of the Bts needs to be sourced.
 * 40) **Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) *Not bad for a first go, especially considering the size of the article. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 07:54, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * I can't believe I only realised this just now. Shouldn't the article name be Null-11? SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 08:12, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) **I raised a similar question but got nowhere. --ToRsO bOy 23:55, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) ***In that thread, you said that his full name Ordo Skirata was used in the book. If that is true, (sorry, I haven't read the book) then the article doesn't need to be moved. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 16px"><font color=#008080>Cylka  <span style="font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 13px"><font color=#00A693>-talk- 02:27, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) ****As far as I can recall he hasn't been referred to by his full name yet. Sorry for the misunderstanding but what I meant in that thread was he and Jaing were the only two Nulls that have their full name on their Wookieepedia pages. Jaing is the only that's been referred to by his full name on Sacrifice.--ToRsO bOy 04:51, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) ***** So, will this be moved to Null-11? And per my and Cylka's posts in the comments section, you should use first names in this article, since there are multiple Skiratas. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 05:31, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) ******Is that even necessary? I don't mean to start a debate but he's already deserted the GAR so we know he won't be using N-11 anymore. He's also been formally adopted by Kal so there shouldn't any problems with his full name being used. Btw, already changed all the Skiratas into Kal. --ToRsO bOy 11:45, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) *******I see your reasoning. Just two remaining objections from me left. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 07:34, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) *******I've already addressed the BT part. What's the other objection I've missed? --ToRsO bOy 00:28, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) ********No, you already got it. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 09:02, 11 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) Grunny Part Deux:
 * 52) *Intro:
 * 53) ** Jango Fett needs some context.
 * 54) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) ** Kal Skirata needs a little context.
 * 56) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) ** Order 66 needs context.
 * 58) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) ** For clarity, you need to connect the Confederacy of Independent Systems to the Clone Wars as the opponents of the GAR.
 * 60) ***Connected.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) ** Besany Wennen also needs some context as to who she was.
 * 62) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) *Bio – Training and childhood
 * 64) ** You need to mention his name as Null-11 and that he was also known as Ordo at the start of the Bio.
 * 65) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) ** You need to mention that he was an Advanced Recon Commando and a Null-class Advanced Recon Commandos. There should be no information in the intro that isn't covered in the article body.
 * 67) ***I added the Null part on the bio; while the Arc bit on the Arca Barracks siege section as I deemed it more appropriate.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) ****Fair enough :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 09:22, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 69) ** Jango Fett needs some context.
 * 70) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) ** Orun Wa needs some context, i.e. "Kaminoan scientist Orun Wa" or something similar.
 * 72) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) ** Darman needs context.
 * 74) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) ** Boba Fett needs some context.
 * 76) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) ** "Their test scores were too high to be measured but psychological tests indicated they were unstable and too insubordinate to be used in combat." This could be worded better. What are the first test scores?
 * 78) ***Reworded.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 79) ** "They were the prototypes for the Grand Army of the Republic." This could probably be combined into the first sentence for a more complex writing style.
 * 80) ***Fixed--ToRsO bOy 11:39, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) ** There are a few short choppy sentences like the one above (i.e. "Fett and Kal were informed by Orun Wa of the Null's impending termination. Kal opposed the decision and began arguing to spare them." and "The Nulls were sequestered from the other clones under Kal's care."); for a better writing style try to combine or expand some of them.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 09:22, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) ***Added--ToRsO bOy 11:39, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 83) *Bio - The Clone Wars - Arca Barracks siege
 * 84) ** You mention the Cone Wars in the title but you need to mention it explicitly in the text. It is an important event that should be named explicitly.
 * 85) ***Added.--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) ** "The six of them started a siege on the Special Forces SO Brigade HQ Barracks, managing to hold off special operation squads and the Coruscant Security Force." It needs more clarification as to why they would siege a Republic Barracks.
 * 87) ***Fixed--ToRsO bOy 11:39, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) **** "The Nulls showed their refusal by shutting down the Special Forces SO Brigade HQ Barracks and starting an armed siege." I think this could be worded better, maybe something like "Not content with their dismissal" or whatever makes the most sense in explaining why they would siege a Republic barracks.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 09:22, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 89) *****Fixed.--ToRsO bOy 11:39, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) ****** This sentence is proving troublesome :P: "The Nulls were terrified of being chilled down and showed their refusal by shutting down the Special Forces SO Brigade HQ Barracks" Why would they be terrified of being chilled down?  Grunny  ( Talk ) 03:42, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) *******It wasn't exactly stated why. Kal just gave a vague explanation along the lines of "you need to understand what happened to them as kids.". In order to avoid speculating, would using this line work? "The Nulls were terrified of being chilled down and put into stasis, similar to the Alpha-class ARC prior to the Battle of Kamino. They showed their refusal by shutting down the Special Forces SO Brigade HQ Barracks" --ToRsO bOy 20:24, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) ********Yes, that should work :-). Remember to reference the info about the Alpha's to the appropriate source.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:33, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 93) *********Added the source.--ToRsO bOy 17:58, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) *I'll review in sections; right now though, make sure everything has context on its first mention.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:37, 15 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 95) **Thanks again--ToRsO bOy 23:51, 16 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 96) *Bio - The Clone Wars - Galactic City spaceport hostage siege
 * 97) ** "The situation took a turn for the worse with the death of Jedi Master Kaim. The Jedi Master went in to negotiate the release of the hostages but was caught with a hidden strip-cam. The hostage takers retaliated by killing him, and planting a bomb on his body. His booby-trapped corpse was tossed out of the front door where it exploded." The first two sentences could be combined to provide the information in a more chronological fashion, i.e. instead of mentioning Kaim's death and then explaining how he died, maybe "The situation took a turn for the worse when Jedi Master Kaim went in to negotiate the release of the hostages but was caught with a hidden strip-cam."  Grunny  ( Talk ) 09:22, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) ***Fixed--ToRsO bOy 11:39, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) *Bio - The Clone Wars - Mission to Coruscant
 * 100) ** What a black operation is, needs to be explained when first mentioned.
 * 101) ***Done.--ToRsO bOy 20:24, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 102) ** Dha Werda Verda needs some context.
 * 103) ***Done.--ToRsO bOy 20:24, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 104) ** "considering it as his due when he struck Maze in the nose days before." Could be worded better.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 03:42, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 105) ***Done.--ToRsO bOy 20:24, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 106) *Bio - The Clone Wars - Hunt for Ko Sai
 * 107) ** Context on Boss needed; since it's pipelinked, it's unclear he was a clone trooper.
 * 108) ***Done.--ToRsO bOy 17:58, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) ** "Owing to his eidetic memory, they were able to rescue Vau deep beneath the ice tunnels by utilizing the things he remembered from the ships manual." Please clarify who the "he"s refers to as right now it is unclear.
 * 110) ***Done.--ToRsO bOy 17:58, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 111) ** I think this could be worded a little better: "Ordo was faced with Sai once more since his early days on Kamino." And you should try to clarify what "his frame of mind" was.
 * 112) ***Done.--ToRsO bOy 17:58, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 113) *Good work so far :-). I'll try to pick up the pace of this review :-P.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 15:33, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 114) **I've noticed the comments are coming in regularly now. Much obliged.=p --ToRsO bOy 17:58, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 115) Attack of the Clone I
 * 116) * Please be careful about using semi-colons; several could have been filled by commas, which I changed. Additionally, try to avoid using contractions.
 * 117) **I'm sorry but is this a comment or an objection? --ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 118) ***It's more of just something to keep in mind for the future; sorry for not clarifying. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 119) * Also, please be careful of overusing indirect articles such as "he", "she", "them", etc., particularly after long sentences in which the term could apply to a number of people instead of just one. I wasn't able to correct all of them, seeing as how I don't know myself who you were talking about.
 * 120) **Noted.--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 121) * Slightly confusing, because although the article is named "Ordo Skirata", only "Ordo" is mentioned and bolded in the intro. "Skirata" (as part of Ordo's name) should be mentioned somewhere in the intro.
 * 122) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 123) * Just a note: I moved the context for the Clone Wars in the intro to where it is first mentioned.
 * 124) **Ok.--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 125) * "The clones only saw the Nulls around Tipoca City when they were running wild, stealing equipment or sabotaging systems." "Running wild" is a bit colloquial, and as such does not seem to be an important action. Please change if possible.
 * 126) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 127) ***"Out of control" is still undefined. Out of control doing what? Training?
 * 128) ****The book only said "Running wild". For me to actually state what they were doing would cross the line of speculation. Maybe it's better if I just remove the line altogether?--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 129) *****Just that bit needs to be removed, I think. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 130) ******Removed.--ToRsO bOy 04:35, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 131) * "After years of training on Kamino, Ordo and the Nulls were deployed along with the majority of the clone troopers at the Battle of Geonosis, serving as Advanced Recon Commandos. It was the opening battle of the Clone Wars, a major conflict between the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Galactic Republic." These two sentences need to be merged and/or reworded. The first mention of the Battle of Geonosis should include its context, but not so that it sounds grammatically awkward.
 * 132) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 133) * Even though it sounds like it's an official term, "chilled down" sounds colloquial. Please change if possible. Also, "talk the Nulls down" in a later sentence is also colloquial; this should be changed.
 * 134) **Done. A question though, do the words count as colloquial even if the book actually uses the exact same term?--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 135) ***Well, it's best to try to avoid using slang, because that's what it seems to be. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 136) * "...due to the fact that nobody could command them." The subject should come first, meaning that it should be edited to "...because they were not commandable"; I didn't change it because it needs to be reworded, and I'm not sure how you'd like to do it yourself.
 * 137) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 138) * "When a supposedly dead employee, Vinna Jiss, appeared in the office, Ordo and Etain tracked her down to an alley, where a brief skirmish occurred." It's confusing as to when the skirmish occured, whether previously or during their investigations.
 * 139) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 140) ***Using "later" makes it seem like it took later, and not when they were tracking her. I changed it, but please correct me if I'm wrong. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 141) * "an oral command that Kal had drilled his commandos with": awkward grammar, please rephrase.
 * 142) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 143) ***Fixed it up a little; just so you know, there was a contraction there as well as a present-tense verb. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 144) * "They took the two captive..." Who were the two? Please try to avoid using indirect addresses when starting a new paragraph.
 * 145) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 146) * "Ordo took it hard that he did not figure out the fake employee was a shapeshifter: colloquial, please reword.
 * 147) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 148) * "The contact explained that the original meet up they agreed on days before was no longer possible, due to one of their people being arrested." The sentence itself is confusing; I believe you mean "meet-up", but I didn't change anything because I'm unsure of what you're trying to say. Also, who was "their people"? This sentence needs a check to reword and rephrase.
 * 149) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 150) * "Asked for his opinion on what they ought to do, he concurred with Kal that Darman was not ready to know yet." Second part of the sentence is grammatically awkward.
 * 151) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 152) * "Because of Ordo's eidetic memory, they were able to rescue Vau deep beneath the ice tunnels by utilizing the things he remembered from the ship's manual." Reworded this sentence; also, please change "things" to something less colloquial.
 * 153) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 154) * "His troubled frame of mind was not helped when he heard the news of Fi's injury in the Battle of Gaftikar.": "not helped" doesn't match the sentence and should be changed.
 * 155) * "in order to hide Etain's pregnancy and Sai." These two should not be paired and mentioned together in this way; one's a person and one's a state of the body. Perhaps say "as well as Sai" or something along those lines.
 * 156) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 157) * "It was a safe refuge that Kal commissioned Rav Bralor": it's unclear as to what you mean by a "safe refuge."
 * 158) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 159) ***I changed it, since it still wasn't really making sense. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 160) * "The scientist's research, however, actually still existed." At first, it was unclear if this pertained to the clones or Sai; mention that Sai was unaware of this to clarify.
 * 161) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 162) * "They had a talk where Ordo tried to placate Wennen's uneasiness with the nature of his job." First off, the conversation is not a location; therefore, "where" should not be used. Also, "they had a talk" can be changed to something less colloquial.
 * 163) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 164) * "Over dinner, Ordo presented her with the Shoroni sapphires Vau gave him on the day he and Kal rescued Vau on Mygeeto. He then asked her point blank if she wanted to marry him. She said yes and Ordo married her on the spot by making her recite with him a short Mandalorian marriage contract." The second sentence is too choppy, and it can be merged with the first. Also, the third sentence is too colloquial with the use of "she said yes" and "on the spot", and it's also a little confusing.
 * 165) **Done--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 166) *I had to stop reviewing before "Reunion of the Nulls"; I'll continue the review later when I have time. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 07:28, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 167) **Thanks--ToRsO bOy 06:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 168) Attack of the Clone I, part II
 * 169) * "With the news of Kal's missing biological daughter, Ruusaan Skirata, plus the matter of his brother Kom'rk being out on the field for a long time, prompted Ordo to call all the Nulls together." First of all, I removed the "with"; it didn't make sense. Second, the "plus" makes the sentence colloquial.
 * 170) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 171) * "...noticed by Ensign Luszgoti, a well-disliked officer who was also part of COMPOR." It's well-liked; "well-disliked" does not exist. Please change.
 * 172) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 173) * "Hours later, Ordo and Mereel stood close to Kal..." Does not make sense. Maybe say "stood with", but please do not "stood close to".
 * 174) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 175) * "Aside from discussing the possibility of Zey knowing that it was indeed Jaing's work..." The "possibility" subject is rather grammatically awkward; please change.
 * 176) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 177) ***I think you might have misunderstood what I meant, but I changed it for you. I meant to change what the possibility was, not the word "possibility" itself. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 178) * "Aside from discussing the possibility of Zey knowing that it was indeed Jaing's work, they held a small meeting, where Kal outlined their current objectives which were establishing a new source of information, his daughter Ruusan's rescue and the cure for the accelerated aging of clones." Run-on, please rephrase.
 * 179) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 180) * "When an arrest order for Kal was issued, Ordo made sure that he was safe on Aay'han before going to the Arca Barracks." "He" who? He himself, or Kal?
 * 181) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 182) * Please keep everything in the past tense; I'm noticing a few places that are inconsistently written in present. I changed what I saw, but I might not have been able to get every single one.
 * 183) **Noted--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 184) * Also, please try to avoid using "then"; it gives an excessive sense of chronology.
 * 185) **Noted--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 186) * "Ordo went to the barracks and informed Zey, albeit with a scathing remark regarding High Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi." Informed him of what? "Inform" is a transitive verb that requires a direct object, i.e. "Ordo informed Zey of their plan" or whatever it was.
 * 187) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 188) ***Is the remark about Kenobi necessary? If it is, please make it clearer as to who said it. I know that Ordo said it, but when I first read it, it was a little confusing. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 189) ****Yes. It's one of the examples of how Ordo dislikes the Jedi Order. Reworded. --ToRsO bOy 04:35, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 190) * "...Ordo offered him a piece of ruik root and commented on his lack of retaliation to Ordo's tirade against Zey and the Jedi Order." This sentence is inconsistent as far as who it talks about, and the use of "his" is even more confusing.
 * 191) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 192) * "He was present with Darman, Niner..." Who is "he"?
 * 193) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 194) * "They all arrived on Mandalore..." Who are "they"?
 * 195) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 196) * "Their capacity for loyalty was greatly enhanced; they were either your best friend or your worst enemy." The use of "your" is not specific; I recommend not incorporating the reader in the article.
 * 197) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 198) * "...making Kal realize that he did not always know what he was thinking." Making who realize what who was thinking?
 * 199) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 200) * "Ordo tried to be on Kal's side as much as possible": confusing and slightly colloquial, please change.
 * 201) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 202) * "Ordo knew that he lacked a certain awareness that most humans had and took for granted; though he was careful not to offend the feelings of those he cared about." What is this awareness? (Just a note: I made a minor revision to this sentence.)
 * 203) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 204) * "...as he was raised not to think of them as his betters." Please change "betters" to something more specific.
 * 205) **Done--ToRsO bOy 07:56, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 206) ***Good work; I believe there's only two objections somewhere above remaining. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 18:30, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 207) * CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 00:23, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 208) Grunny III:
 * 209) * Bio - The Clone Wars - Hunt for Ko Sai: What a Cuy'val Dar is needs some explanation.
 * 210) **Done.--ToRsO bOy 04:12, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 211) * Bio - The Clone Wars - Reunion of the Nulls: "They needed to establish a new source of information, now that Jaing's spy program had been discovered, and also needed to plan his daughter Ruusaan's rescue and find the cure for the clones' accelerated aging." Could be worded better to avoid using two "and"s in this way.
 * 212) **Done.--ToRsO bOy 04:12, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 213) * File:ARC Captain Ordo.jpg should be a thumbnail with a caption. Also see if you can place in some related images, such as of Kal Skirata as he plays a major part in the bio. It will help illustrate the article :-).
 * 214) **Done.--ToRsO bOy 04:12, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 215) *Getting close :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 07:31, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 216) **What happens after you cast your vote? Do I wait for the other Agricorps to review the article? Or do I leave a request on their talk pages? I'm just not sure how to proceed next. Thanks. :)--ToRsO bOy 04:12, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 217) ***CC7567's comment on your talk page is good answer :).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 12:15, 25 April 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * A question to the ACs: Would it be permissible to use first names in this article? There are 7 Skiratas, and it gets really confusing trying to figure out who's who. Can an exception be made? SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie ) 07:54, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Yes, that is something that is generally done. If there are two or more individuals with the same last name, then the first name is used to differentiate between them. After quickly glancing at this article, I would say that it is necessary in this instance. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 16px"><font color=#008080>Cylka  <span style="font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 13px"><font color=#00A693>-talk- 10:05, 5 March 2009 (UTC)

Peragus II

 * Nominated by: -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  18:11, 31 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Second nomination; I've looked over last nomination's faults and, to my beliefs, addressed them. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  18:11, 31 March 2009 (UTC)

(1 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 19:33, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Looks good to me.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 17:56, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Chack Attack:
 * 2) * "Following the events of 3,951 BBY, when the Peragus Mining Facility was destroyed due to the Sith Lord Darth Sion's pursuit of the Jedi Exile, and a stray blast from Sion’s ship, the Harbinger, detonating the Peragus asteroid field." Is the "when" in here by mistake, because this sentence makes little sense as is.
 * 3) *"almost destroyed by attempts at" What was almost destroyed? The mining facility or the planet?
 * 4) *"The planet was devoid of any sort of native species, with Peragus II also being devoid of any sort of Human settlements other than the Peragus Mining Facility, a facility sealed to the planets atmosphere other than when exited when wearing a space suit." This reads poorly. Plus, you already mentioned the mining facility; no need to repeat context.
 * 5) *The drift chart info seems unnecessary and can probably be removed.
 * 6) *"The first fuel mining colony established on Peragus II proved to be short of life, when an accidental blaster shot triggered an explosion of flammable substances in Peragus II's crust and mantle, so powerful that it turned a large chunk of the planet into an asteroid field, which would become the Peragus asteroid field, and exposed its core" This bit is confusing and needs to be clarified and written better.
 * 7) *Your referencing is completely unnecessary. If all the info in one paragraph comes from one source, no need to source it multiple times in that paragraph. For example: The second paragraph all comes from KOTOR II. Just have the one source at the end of it, rather than scattered throughout.
 * 8) *Context on Citadel Station.
 * 9) *"After the Jedi Civil War, Telos IV relied on this resource to keep Citadel Station in orbit, and with the most humanitarian elements of the Senate putting their careers at stake in the restoration project, any interruption of the work on the Peragus mining facility was likely to have greater repercussions throughout the Republic. If the fuel supply was somehow compromised, Citadel Station would risk falling onto the planet's surface, dooming the restoration efforts there and throughout the Outer Rim." This is written a bit poorly, and is confusing. The restoration project needs to be explained a bit more.
 * 10) *Context on Kreia.
 * 11) *Rather than having many small pargraphs in the "Skirmish" section, try combining several of them.
 * 12) *What is the Exile's standing with the Jedi?
 * 13) *Context on Goto.
 * 14) *Why did HK-50 want the Exile for himself? To claim the bounty?
 * 15) *Context on Atton Rand, please.
 * 16) *"The destruction of the mining station had a deeper impact than the Exile could imagine." I think this is unnecessary, and it seems OR. Remove it, I'd suggest.
 * 17) *The last sentence of "Aftermath" is really confusing. Who is G0-T0? What is going on?
 * 18) *You refer to it as both the "facility" and the "Facility". Please choose one and stick with it.
 * 19) *When you have an Inhabitants section, there's no need to detail the species that live there earlier. The same with repetitive descriptions of the mining facility.
 * 20) *Linking! You have things that need to be linked, and links that are repeated. I fixed some things for you, but you should do at least some of it yourself.
 * 21) *Having never played this game, I find myself confused at many things described in the article. Please go through, contextify things, and fix up the general prose.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 22:10, 8 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **Alright, I've addressed those. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  08:10, 9 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) Attack of the Clone I
 * 24) * Please be careful about what you focus on; the article is about the planet, not about the skirmish on it. Yes, the event was one of the only major events there, but try not to excessively focus on it.
 * 25) * Also, a note for future noms: in the body, be sure to only link to something once at its first mention, even if the body of the article has multiple sections.
 * 26) * "meant that further mining projects were virtually abandoned." Can "meant" be substituted for anything else? Because "meant" is usually used for a statement or something that needs clarification, not an event or action. Perhaps "resulted" or something similar.
 * 27) * In the first paragraph of the "Description" section, the Peragus Mining Facility is mentioned twice, both times with different context. Please change.
 * 28) * "such as the Peragus Mining Facility, which contained a number of miners." The word "contained" makes it sound like the miners were being kept prisoner, or that they were somehow inactive.
 * 29) * "meaning that anyone wishing to visit such places as the Peragus Mining Facility..." See third objection.
 * 30) * Jedi Civil War, Galactic Republic, Telos IV, and Telosian Restoration Project need context. Mandalorian Wars somewhat has context, but it should be fixed up.
 * 31) ** Context still needed for the Republic and the restoration project. Also, the context for the Galactic Republic should appear with the first time it is mentioned; otherwise, it seems confusing if you mention something without context.  CC7567  (talk) 19:52, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) *** It looks better, but try to mention the context in the same sentence, if possible.  CC7567  (talk) 07:19, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * "and miners such as Coorta advocated taking her to Nar Shaddaa to collect the bounty that criminal boss Goto had placed on Jedi." If the word "taking" can be changed to a noun instead of a subject verb, it would sound better.
 * 34) * "and died with the rest of the miners when the droid caused an emergency lockdown to seal off the hangar and keep Coorta from fleeing the Facility with the Exile. First of all, I changed "along" to "with". Also, this part of the sentence is a bit of a run-on; please change.
 * 35) * "Spaceworthy" should be changed to a clearer word.
 * 36) * "As they got to the ship from the docking bridge to the Harbinger, Sith assassins stalked them and Kreia had to duel Darth Sion to allow the others to escape to the hangar through the fuel line." The first part of the sentence goes from "to" to "from" and back to "to" again, which does not seem to make sense. Also, the word "stalked" is too colloquial; please change.
 * 37) * "either incapacitated or incarcerated": try not to speculate. If need be, state it in the "Behind the scenes" section.
 * 38) * For the "Locations" section: when you use "one of two points of interest", you don't mention the second one till a few paragraphs on. It's too big a gap; please change.
 * 39) * The second sentence of the Bts does not make sense; please take a look at it.
 * 40) *I'll take another look after these are addressed. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (talk) 03:43, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) **Fixed, but for your misunderstanding we discussed via the IRC. :) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  19:09, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) Attack of the Clone II
 * 43) *The article is looking good. A few of the objections above remain; please remind me if we covered them over IRC. Just a few more things:
 * 44) * "The assassin droid told the administrator that the Exile was a Jedi, meaning the administrator tried to have the Exile picked up by the Republic to stop miners such as Coorta demanding that she be taken to Nar Shaddaa, to collect the bounty crime lord Goto had placed on Jedi." Run-on, and also uses the word "meaning" in a confusing manner, as I mentioned before.
 * 45) ** The run-on has been fixed, but the "meaning" hasn't. "This meant that" does not change it, and is in fact synonymous to what it replaced. Please reword it. Also, a similar objection to this one remains from my first look; please check above.  CC7567  (talk) 07:19, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * "To allow the others to escape, Kreia dueled the Sith Lord Darth Sion." First of all, I fixed up the sentence a little. But why was Darth Sion there in the first place? Without mentioning Sion's purpose, it sounds like he was just randomly there.
 * 47) * CC7567  (talk) 19:52, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) **Done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:07, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) *** Please review my objections again; any objections that are not crossed out still remain.  CC7567  (talk) 07:19, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) **Alright, now addressed, although you seem to have missed me having closed the gap in the Locations section. :) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:30, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) ***Sorry for the delay; I forgot to look at the timestamps and was confused if you addressed the objections or not. A few still remain; please check the uncrossed ones above.  CC7567  (talk) 06:11, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) Good article nominations/Peragus II. Everything here needs to be handled. Graestan ( Talk ) 17:13, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) *I believe I have. Can you point out which one(s) you don't think I've addressed, please? -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:20, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * For obvious reasons, I'll refrain from voting until there's been some feedback. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  18:11, 31 March 2009 (UTC)

Mission to Rugosa

 * Nominated by: CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 07:19, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Was considering nominating a(nother) character, but instead did an event. (I think I may be reaching my limits for GANs...possibly.) &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 07:19, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

(1 ACs/2 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:37, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 18:21, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 02:29, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Eyrezer
 * 2) * Rugosa didn't join the Republic afterwards. It was a neutral moon. Toydaria did. Rugosa was not a moon of Toydaria either.
 * 3) **Whoops. Got that. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 17:34, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * The Episode guide should be added to the sources.
 * 5) **Done. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 17:34, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Did you watch the video commentary on the episode? It should add some Bts info, and should also be added to the source lists. --Eyrezer 08:04, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **Added it to the source lists, but unfortunately right now I don't have access to the website. I'll check it later when I do. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 17:34, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) **I just watched the commentary, and it didn't really add any Bts info, only for Rugosa and not the mission itself. I don't believe the info was relevant, so since the commentary didn't provide new info on the mission itself, I don't think it should be part of the sources. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 07:00, 2 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) From the Council Chambers (part one):
 * 10) * Before I even start to review, the article has far too much play-by-play commentary, particularly with regard to conversations. In numerous cases, entire conversations are paraphrased line by line, which is unnecessary. Just skip over these details and report the gist of the conversation. There are also a few action sequences suffering from the same problem. Please rewrite it without the play-by-play, and once that is done, then I will review it. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 22:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) **Addressed, hopefully. I kept some of the conversations which I believed to be more important.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) ***OK, what you did is fine. I will make a full review within the next couple of days. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 03:10, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) From the Council Chambers (part two):
 * 14) * I hate to say it, but I'd like to see some context on the Clone Wars in both the intro and body. Yes, most people know what the Clone Wars are, but think about someone new to Star Wars watching the films in order (1 to 6) who jumps on here right after watching TPM to get more info and then starts browsing. He or she would have no clue what the Clone Wars are, having only watched TPM, and therefore I feel a little context is necessary. Not much is needed, just enough to give a basic idea as to what they are.
 * 15) **Well...this has been in debate for a while. It's really just the participants that are required, if any, I believe; I can't think of what other context to put that wouldn't make it excessive. And it's already implied that the Republic and the Confederacy were the participants. I reworded the intro, but I left it how it was in the body. I mean, I know we can't really assume that the reader will know everything about Star Wars, but I don't believe that an excessive amount of context is needed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) ***Fair enough. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:37, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * "Yoda returned into the fray": Slightly awkward; suggest rewording.
 * 18) **Addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * "Avalanche" is used twice in one paragraph in the intro plus one additional time in the body&mdash;are there synonyms?
 * 20) **Addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * "secretly sent several droidekas to deal with the bothersome Jedi Master.": "Bothersome" sounds POV to me.
 * 22) **Removed.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * "After observing several baby Neebray mantas, Yoda led the clones to the rendezvous point, stating that it was not polite to be late.": Are the neebray mantas really important? I don't think so. Reword or remove, please. The same goes for Yoda's statement, though I'm less sure about it than the mantas.
 * 24) **Removed the Neebrays part; the reason I kept Yoda's comment is because it's a bit more...comical, I guess, or playful. If you'd still like it removed, I'll go ahead and do so.  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ***OK, I'll let it go, though someone else might object to it. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:37, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) *Otherwise, it looks good to my half-trained eye. :) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:08, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) **Well then, I thank your half-trained eye. :P  CC7567  (talk) 02:20, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) It needs to be mentioned somwhere why Ventress is there. She didn't just guess that there were going to be negotiatons happening on Rugosa at that exact time. How did she know?  Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 21:24, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) *I don't think it was specifically identified. I'll add a footnote, but it might be too speculative if I state that Ventress learned about it from Skytop Station.  CC7567  (talk) 21:38, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **True, although it was heavily implied by the comic dialogue. I thought I read it explicitly somewhere however I'll strike this until I find something. Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 01:18, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Senate hostage crisis

 * Nominated by: CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 04:40, 3 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Possibly going to go for an FA later, but at least half the article's length comes from the "Prelude" section. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 04:40, 3 April 2009 (UTC)

(2 ACs/3 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) Dark Lord Trayus 22:41, 4 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Pretty expansive.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 13:25, 5 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) The PIE is strong in this one. Kilson Likes PIE 04:37, 19 April 09 (UTC)
 * 4)  Graestan ( Talk ) 02:56, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 18:24, 10 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Graestan's preliminaries:
 * 2) * A conjecturally titled article should never begin like "the Senate hostage crisis was&hellip;" Please alleviate this by just diving into the intro and then bolding the word that best describes the topic of the article.
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * Unsourced items in the infobox.
 * 5) **Drat; missed those.
 * 6) * "Objective" field in the infobox is worded too vaguely.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) * The article looks like an image farm. Please cull a few.
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * Graestan ( Talk ) 22:56, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) **Thanks for the first look. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 00:14, 11 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) More before I dive in there:
 * 13) * Intro needs to be expanded significantly in terms of the event itself.
 * 14) **Addressed. (If it's actually too lengthy, please let me know.)
 * 15) * Speculative/OR statements abound. Please go over the article and see what may be a reach of the mind as opposed to reporting the facts. Especially look out for statements of the unknown.
 * 16) **Addressed (hopefully).
 * 17) * Context is still lacking in a few areas. I saw the word "Vigo" used quite out of the blue, for example. Please check the article over for similar instances.
 * 18) **Added where needed; I removed "Vigo" altogether, since it's not really relevant.
 * 19) * Certainly also some unnecessary info. I saw some reference to Kenobi that was entirely irrelevant. This is also something to check for.
 * 20) **Addressed.
 * 21) *Good luck with these, let me know when you're ready for my full review. Graestan ( Talk ) 04:57, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this, but I believe I'm ready. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 06:11, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) You didn't fix my IRC objection about the droids' origin.  Graestan ( Talk ) 03:52, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) *Which one was this? Sorry, I forgot...and I seem to have misplaced the chat log.  CC7567  (talk) 06:54, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **Nevermind...I think it was clearing up the "Bane's test" section, which I just did. If it wasn't that, please correct me.  CC7567  (talk) 07:16, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Serpent's Smile

 * Nominated by: -- Harrar 00:28, 6 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A Zsinj starship. Devoid of anything NJO or Yuuzhan Vong ;)

(2 ACs/1 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 11:43, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) As far as I saw, no errors beyond minor ones.  CC7567  (talk) 21:03, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Very nice, Harrar.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 05:23, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * Oh, there is one thing. Does the source mention the ship as the Serpent's Smile or just Serpent's Smile? If it's the former, you'll have stay consistent in the article. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:29, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) * I found two cases when I'd used "the" in front. It's just Serpent's Smile so I removed them. Consistent now. -- —Harrar  MR T.Lah.jpg ( Villip ) 08:49, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) From the Moffship of Grand Moff Tranner:
 * 3) *Needs a bit of context on Solo in the intro.
 * 4) **I wasn't sure how to go about this. I feel I've just rephrased stuff so have a look and see if further changes are required.
 * 5) *Good job. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 18:32, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) **Thanks. -- —Harrar  ( Villip ) 23:57, 10 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * c.2250 words, so below the GA limit. Thought I'd run it through here first as it's my first starship nomination and I'm unusure of some stuff, like whether if we know the class we put in general information even if it's unconfirmed. Plus not sure if my description or commanders and crew sections are that great! -- Harrar 00:28, 6 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Can someone also check cswe? Thanks -- Harrar 00:28, 6 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nothing in the CSWE.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 05:23, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

Kite

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 21:05, 12 April 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:You have to get him running before you do if you want him to fly. :-) Kilson Likes PIE 21:05, 12 April 09 (UTC)

(2 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) I just fixed a few grammar problems...nice article. Jonjedigrandmaster  Jedi symbol.svg ( Jedi beacon ) 00:59, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 05:16, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 21:18, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Per review below; just needed a little tweaking.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 21:36, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 01:23, 13 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Quick glance from the clone
 * 2) * "While Kite was talking to Nune on the bridge of the Laudable, the task force was attacked by the Malevolence, a Subjugator-class heavy cruiser equipped with two giant ion pulse cannons on each of its sides that could disable any starship's shields, and then destroy the exposed ship using its turbolaser batteries." It starts out fine, but the last part of the sentence is confusing, since you go off from Kite and Nune to completely focusing on the Malevolence.
 * 3) ** I meant for you to change the second part of the sentence. Leave the sentence, but cut it off after "starship's shields". You can then say how the Malevolence destroyed the Laudable itself, not saying how the Malevolence destroyed ships in general. Otherwise, it's a bit unclear.
 * 4) ***I reworded it myself. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 00:08, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) * "In 22 BBY, during the height of the war between the Galactic Republic and the Separatists, Kite, the nickname for a clone trooper commander in the Grand Army of the Republic, was assigned to the bridge of the Laudable. The Laudable was a Venator-class Star Destroyer that was part of Ares Nune's, a Phuii Jedi General, task force to patrol the Phu system for any Separatist activity." Saying that Kite was assigned to General Nune and was then dispatched to the Laudable would be preferable, because the way that the context is currently included breaks up the sentence flow.
 * 6) ** Please check this again; say in one sentence that Kite was assigned to General Nune. And then start a new sentence and say that Kite and Nune were onboard the Laudable. Also, there are other changes that should be made to this sentence, mentioned in my second look below.
 * 7) * Additionally, the first mention of Kite as a nickname in the body makes it sound like Kite was a nickname, instead of a real clone trooper. It sounds like it was simply a term coined during the war.
 * 8) ** I'm not sure if you addressed this, but this objection still remains. Since we already know Kite was the nickname of the guy, there's no need to say it twice. The first mention in the intro is enough.
 * 9) * "However, the Confederacy's new secret super weapon, the Subjugator-class heavy cruiser, the Malevolence, under the commander of General Grievous, the Cyborg Supreme Commander of the Separatist Droid Army, were hiding out of the sight of the Republic task force." Too many commas, too many pauses, and misplaced context breaks up the sentence flow here as well.
 * 10) ** Mentioning Grievous in one sentence and then providing context for him in the next doesn't seem to be working. Please change it so that Grievous is first mentioned with context (and there's a good sentence flow). Perhaps just take out "under command of General Grievous" and then include it in the next sentence, so that Grievous can be first mentioned with context.
 * 11) *That's all I noticed in a first look; I'll have to continue later when my body isn't screaming at me for sleep. CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 07:29, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) **Thanks for the review, I addressed your objections. Also, the next time you're feeling tired, just eat some PIE, it'll wake you up in an instant. Kilson Likes PIE 18:42, 13 April 09 (UTC)
 * 13) Now that the clone is (more or less) conscious:
 * 14) * The objections above still remain; please look at them again and see if you can improve them.
 * 15) **My apologies, I did not fully understand your original objections. You can check now and see how they are.
 * 16) * The guy's name is "Kite", not "Commander Kite". It's not "Captain Rex" or "Commander Cody"; titles aren't part of the names themselves. I changed it.
 * 17) * How was Kite born? Did he just pop up as a clone trooper commander out of the blue? This needs to be mentioned in the body.
 * 18) **There is very little information about Kite other than what was given in "Shakedown". I would've said he was cloned and trained on Kamino, but I was hounded for something similar to this in my HOB-147 nom because I didn't know this for sure (it's currently fourth on the nom list if you want to take a look at the objections). All I know for certain is that Kite is a clone, from where, nobody knows.
 * 19) * "Kite...was assigned to Ares Nune, a Phuii Jedi General, aboard the bridge of the Laudable": So Kite was assigned to the bridge, and not the ship itself? Please change, and mention later that they were on the bridge [during the attack].
 * 20) * State the purpose of Nune's fleet before mentioning the Laudable (and that Nune and Kite were stationed aboard it).
 * 21) * "As Kite and Nune were finishing up their conversation": from this, it sounds like the conversation was extremely important (more than it should have been). Please reword and/or remove.
 * 22) **I was just trying to detail the attack as best I could. It's true that as soon as Kite and Nune finished their conversation, they were attacked by Grevious. I don't see how it makes the conversation any more important.
 * 23) * "...Grievous ordered the Malevolence to fire one of its two ion pulse cannons, which could disable the shields of any starship, at the Republic task force." Saying the effect of the ion cannons when it happens would sound better.
 * 24) *Just a note, since you changed it back: the correct spelling is "assigned", not "assinged". Also, since I missed it the first time, it's "Grievous", not "Grevious". In the future, I recommend pasting the article into Word and correcting the necessary spelling errors (since some Star Wars terms aren't recognized by the dictionary).
 * 25) * Since "deckplate" needs context (and including so would imply unnecessary importance), I would recommend changing it.
 * 26) * Continuity issues in the Bts. Shakedown was released, then the HoloNet News podcast, then "Rising Malevolence". To avoid confusion, if you can find another way to mention that the comic led into the episode while keeping continuity, it would be preferable.
 * 27) * CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 23:39, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) **I addressed the rest of the objections. Once again, I'm sorry for messing up the previous objections. I'm one of those guys that when I think things up in my head, it makes sense, but as soon as I put it down on the page, it doesn't. Yes, I know that doesn't make sense. Kilson 19:35, 15 April 09 (UTC)
 * 29) * I think it should be mentioned first that Kite was a clone, before saying where he was assigned. Other than that, the article is looking fine. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 00:08, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **It already does, "Kite, a clone trooper commander in the Grand Army of the Republic, was assigned to Ares Nune, a Phuii Jedi General. Nune was in charge of a Republic task force." Kilson Likes PIE 20:56, 15 April 09 (UTC)
 * 31) *** I mean saying "Kite was a clone trooper in the Grand Army of the Republic. In 22 BBY, he was assigned..." Sorry for not clarifying that. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 01:32, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ****How about now dude. Kilson Likes PIE 10:02, 15 April 09 (UTC)
 * 33) *****Looks fine. &mdash; CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] (s)talk 05:16, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) Lucius STRIKES!
 * 35) * ...during the height of the war between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independent Systems... Doesn't need that much context; Clone Wars is fine.
 * 36) * Just a continuity question: we know he was assigned the Laudable, but was he in command of it?
 * 37) **Yeah, you're right, we don't know for sure. I got rid of command in the sentence.
 * 38) * Star Destroyers don't exist yet, do they? They're all Venator (or Jedi Crusisers) I think.
 * 39) **Yes, Ventor-class Star Destroyers are the only ones at this time period. But I don't see a need to repeat Ventor-class in the last sentence in the first paragraph. I think the reader will understand what I'm saying.
 * 40) * However, a new Confederacy superweapon was hiding out of sight of the Republic task force, in the form of the Malevolence, a Subjugator-class heavy cruiser under the command of General Grievous, the Cyborg Supreme Commander of the Separatist's Droid Army. A run-on sentence.
 * 41) * If another image can be found, please insert it. (I may be able to help if you need any images from Shakedown.)
 * 42) **I think the main image is fine, but if you want to find a new image, I'll put it on there.
 * 43) ***You misunderstand. The main image is perfect, if you could find another for the bio, it would be great.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 21:14, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) ****I am sorry, but I can not find a better picture. If you can find one, I'll be gald to put it on the page. Kilson Likes PIE 01:24, 23 April 09 (UTC)
 * 45) *****These may help.
 * 46) ******Kite helmet.png
 * 47) ******Kite Nune death.png
 * 48) ******Kite Nune talking.png
 * 49) ****** &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 01:17, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) *******I chose the one where they are talking. Thanks for the help Lucius. :-) Kilson Likes PIE 02:27, 28 April 09 (UTC)
 * 51) ********Always a pleasure.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 21:36, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) *I'll pledge my support after the above are addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 12:18, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) **How about now Lucius? Kilson Likes PIE 19:15, 19 April 09 (UTC)
 * 54) Soresu
 * 55) * Context on the Clone Wars in the body.
 * 56) * Do we have a source that states that the Malevolence was a superweapon?. If not, I would suggest changing it. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:55, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) **Addressed both Kilson Likes PIE 18:53, 26 April 09 (UTC)
 * 58) Can you work into the body that Kite is a nickname, since this is currently intro exclusive information.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 04:05, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) *I put it in, thanks again for the review, dude. Kilson Likes PIE 01:20, 13 May 09 (UTC)

Comments

Vril Vrakth

 * Nominated by: Jinzler 11:26, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A Zabrak bounty hunter

(2 ACs/2 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 07:41, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 23:13, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 09:47, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  18:28, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 2) * " The skills he learned helped to keep him alive" What skills? Learned as a soldier? Clarify.
 * 3) **Clarified --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * "After he was almost killed by them on Almas" By who? Clarify.
 * 5) **Fixed --Jinzler 22:31, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Intro doesn't flow very well.
 * 7) **I have rewrote some of it so I hope this is a bit better. Can you specify anything that is wrong with it? --Jinzler 22:31, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * WP:LG: P&T comes before Equipment.
 * 9) **Moved --Jinzler 22:31, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Quotes for the first two biography sections?
 * 11) **The two quotes that I have included are the only two relevant to this article that exist --Jinzler 22:17, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) * "Shortages of food led to a series of violent settlement wars there for control of resources and Vrakth trained as a soldier, so that he could participate in the conflicts." Sentence doesn't flow very well.
 * 13) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * "Hundar was impressed by his skills" What skills?
 * 15) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) * " He would also assist Hundar by serving as his backup while he was chasing a bounty and he would cover escape roots or aide him in taking down dangerous targets." Split this sentence up to make it flow better.
 * 17) *First bio section (mostly the end of the first paragraph and the second paragraph) doesn't flow very well.
 * 18) **Fixed to the best of my ability, if there are still some problems with this, can you give me some specific examples?
 * 19) * "Following the end of the conflict, Vrakth began to work almost exclusively for the newly-formed Galactic Empire and in particular, he served Inquisitor Valin Draco." Sentence doesn't flow well.
 * 20) **Rewrote --Jinzler 22:42, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * Why would Organa's request for info on Nizon tip Vril off? Specify it.
 * 22) **I don't know, the source states that it did, it doesn't say why --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * "He also planned to kill Sartok, the leader of the Nizon resistance, a resistance group that opposed the Empire's control of Nizon." Uses the word resistance twice, a bit redundant.
 * 24) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * Quote for the P&T?
 * 26) **As I have stated above, there aren't any --Jinzler 22:17, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * Was Vrakth killed in the confrontation? Specify.
 * 28) **He isn't necessarily killed, as this depends on how the player chracters play it. I have already mentioned something on this in the BTS --Jinzler 22:42, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) *Nice BtS.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 03:34, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **Thanks --Jinzler 22:17, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) Soresu
 * 32) * he was able to capture the Rodian on his own this success to establish himself as a bounty hunter. Not making much sense to me.
 * 33) **Yeah, I screwed up. This has now been fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * Vrakth was hired by a local Republic governor Local to where? This occurs in both the intro and body.
 * 35) **I don't know, the source just states that it was a local Republic governor. This might be meant to refer to the governor's position within the structure of the Republic, by having control of a localised area. However, we can't know for sure, so theres not much I can do about this
 * 36) * After he was almost killed by them on Almas by a group of agents working for the Alderaanian Resistance, an anti-Imperial resistance group that was based on Alderaan, Draco sent Vrakth to capture them. Reword. Also, it's unclear who "he" is referring to.
 * 37) **Fixed --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * Context on the Resistance in the body.
 * 39) **Added --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * he used situations to their full advantage him. Doesn't make sense.
 * 41) **I have put in an example of this, to clarify things --Jinzler 14:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) Attack of the Clone I
 * 43) *These first two aren't objections, but just general things to think about in the future. It generally sounds like the word "so" is being used too much; I got most of them, but consider using different, less colloquial wording in the future.
 * 44) *I'm noticing that some sentences are rather choppy throughout the article, and could simply be merged with others. Since it's rather minor, I've fixed these as well, but please try to catch these in the future.
 * 45) * Okay, this is an objection: when introducing characters, using the word "called" implies that it was a nickname; you can simply state their name as "the Trandoshan *blahblah*" instead of stating what they were called unnecessarily.
 * 46) **Checked for and changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) * Also, please be careful about overusing indirect addresses such as "he" and "they"; I corrected some of them, but please do another check. It's confusing, especially right after long sentences when it could apply to anyone.
 * 48) **Checked for --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) * "Jeyrs Hundar, a bounty hunter who was passing through the world while chasing a bounty": using "bounty" twice is rather redundant; please try to reword.
 * 50) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) * "to hunt CIS generals": sounds a bit strange; hunt as in find or hunt as in find and kill? Either way, the wording doesn't sound appropriate; please change.
 * 52) **The source just says that he hunted them, it doesn't say how. I have changed it to hunted down --23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) * "After Draco was almost killed by them on Almas by a group of agents working for the Alderaanian Resistance": who is them, and what was Almas? Also, it sounds like two different groups killed him.
 * 54) **I think I screwed this up when I rewrote while I was addressing IFYLOFDs objections. It has been fixed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) * "he soon swapped careers": the way that "swapped" is being used right now is colloquial; if it were being used as Vrakth swapped careers with someone else, it would be fine, but since it's not being used this way, please change it.
 * 56) **Reworded --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) * "Vrakth traveled offworld with his new master, who began to train him." It's pretty much a given that Vrakth was beginning to be trained; please remove unless there's something specific that needs to be mentioned.
 * 58) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) * Use of the word "alternated" sounds like Vrakth had complete control and choice over what he learned; if this is the case, please be more specific, but if not, please change it.
 * 60) **alternated is the word used by the source, but I have changed it anyway --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) * I saw IFYLOFD's objection above about the governor, but I think it requires a footnote that it is not explicitly mentioned where the governor was located.
 * 62) **I disagree, as this seems a bit unnecessary, but I have added it anyway, coz you won't support this otherwise :) --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) ***Actually, looking back, it wasn't really necessary. :P You can remove it if you want to; I thought it would just be clearer that way.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * Right now, the fact that the Empire succeeded the Republic is exclusive to the intro; please change.
 * 65) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) * Again, context needed on Almas here in the body.
 * 67) **Done --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * "made a request to the Aldera University for information about the planet Nizon, Vrakth correctly assumed that that was where the Resistance team were going to go to." First off, the second part of the sentence needs to be reworded, particularly the use of "that that"; although it's grammatically correct, it's rather colloquial and awkward. "Assumption" can be changed to "theory" or something; the way it is right now makes it sound like Vrakth did it with no research, or that he didn't have the intent of doing anything after assuming it. Also, what did that "correct assumption" allow Zrakth to do?
 * 69) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) * What was the purpose of Vrakth asking people in the capital if they had seen recent newcomers? I know that it might be from the same mission mentioned earlier, but the article deterred to Vrakth's defense of his base, so it would be good to restate it.
 * 71) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) * "When the Nazren began to revolt against the Imperials, Vrakth rightly believed that the Alderaanian agents were behind it": the use of "rightly" sounds strange; please reword it to be specific.
 * 73) **I have changed rightly to correctly. I don't want to sound like an idiot, but what should it be specific to? --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 74) ***Specificity was needed because the word "rightly" could mean different things in this case. It could mean that Vrakth was correct, but could also mean that his belief was in accordance with justice or morals. Also, I changed "believed" to "deduced", because it gave me the sense that someone was manipulating Vrakth.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) * What was the "large bounty" for? What did the Empire want?
 * 76) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) ***It's still a bit unclear. I see why the Empire put out that particular bounty, but what exactly was it for? What did the Empire want to give a reward for? If it was already stated, it's a bit unclear.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) ****Clarified --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 79) * Coruscant needs context.
 * 80) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) * "fire the fastest" should be changed to something less colloquial, and so can "make the most of being there."
 * 82) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 83) * "like they did when he deployed them on Nizon": the word "like" is too colloquial, and this part of the sentence requires rewording.
 * 84) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) * "the actions of the player characters": please check this; "player characters" is unclear.
 * 86) **Changed --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 87) * "If the players reply, then he swears his eternal hatred to them for killing Vrakth." Who swears this exactly?
 * 88) **Added --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 89) *I'll take another look after these are addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 00:23, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) **Thanks for your feedback, I guess that my writing style isn't the best --Jinzler 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 91) ***That doesn't mean that it can't be improved. :)  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) Attack of the Clone II
 * 93) * "Tricks of the bounty hunter trade": bit awkward and plays too much upon slang; please reword.
 * 94) **Reworded --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 95) * "and he planned to use it as an opportunity to capture them": "them" meaning the Alderaanian agents or the Nazren?
 * 96) **Clarified --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 97) * "Capitalize on" is a bit awkward wording; the way I learned it was that it's applied to usually take advantage of a situation that has already been laid out for you, or one that is really grim, not really one in which you have the choice yourself. As it is currently portrayed in the P&T, the situation doesn't seem to have a downside, and it looks like Vrakth was in control of what his actions were instead of being required to complete something.
 * 98) **Rephrased --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) ***"from being there" makes it sound like he was being paid to simply be there. I've changed it to "during his stay."  CC7567  (talk) 09:47, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 100) *Good work with the article's improvement.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 101) **Thanks for helping to improve it --Jinzler 08:58, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * I have delt with some of your objections IFYLOFD, I will do the rest somewhen in a few days time --Jinzler 22:42, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

Todd

 * Nominated by: QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 18:25, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: The unlimited POWAH in the flesh. Inspired by such projects as Max and Buick

(1 ACs/2 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) I hope he likes PIE. Kilson Likes PIE 19:20, 22 April 09 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 21:04, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  20:33, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) You need to expand the intro more. Just mention that he was incontrol of the characters you listed in the bio, and it should be good. Kilson Likes PIE 04:32, 21 April 09 (UTC)
 * 2) *Buffed the intro a little more. Should I make it any longer, it may as well replace the biography. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 19:13, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) **That's good enough, nice article. Kilson Likes PIE 19:20, 22 April 09 (UTC)
 * 4) Alright. Show time.
 * 5) * At an unknown time period, an all-out battle occurred between the fugitive Jedi Zayne Carrick, the Arkanian offshoot Jarael, the leader of the Mandalorians Mandalore the Ultimate and Mandalore's lackey, the Lord of Pain Darth Sion. - Perhaps that could be broken down somewhat; bit of a run on.
 * 6) * The Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader, the Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, the Snivvian con man Marn Hierogryph and the Gungan Jar Jar Binks were also present there, although Vader and Skywalker were busy dueling each other. - Same problem. I'd recommend stopping off first after the "present there" part, and perhaps starting the next part as a fresh sentence.
 * 7) **Reworded both.
 * 8) * Todd suddenly appeared in the midst of the battle and witnessed a fight between Carrick and Mandalore, commenting that Mandalore was intense. - Just why did he feel he was intense? Please explain. Also, where and why did he appear from, and how did he appear? Did he jump out of a bush? An unknown location would be better, were it specified.
 * 9) **This guy appears in one frame of a one-page comic. I'm afraid there is not much of an explanation of why he is there or where did he appear from. In the first couple of frames he is not present, then he just appears all of sudden. Expanded the Mandalore part though.
 * Ah, wasn't aware of that. Fair enough. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  19:48, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 1) * Todd's appearance was one of the factors that left Jar Jar confused. - Bit of explanation as to why it did that, please.
 * 2) **Hopefully clarified.
 * 3) *A light-skinned male with brown hair, Todd was dressed in what looked like a traditional brown Jedi robe. However, under the robe he wore a shirt with a picture of an individual of Yoda's species. - Perhaps you could go on to explain what this suggests P and T wise?
 * 4) **See below. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 09:50, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) *Per Kilson; introduction, please.
 * 6) **Intro expanded. See response to Kilson's objection. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 20:03, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * If you're listing his clothing, for instance, in the P and T, then perhaps a small equipment section can be gleaned, per the layout guide?
 * 8) **In response to this objection and the one about his clothing. I figured out that combining all this info into one paragraph was better than having multiple paragraphs containing one sentence each. And btw, a personality is not just what you do, but also what you wear and how you look. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 17:03, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) *Yes, I know. Point taken, however. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  19:48, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) *That's all, for now. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  13:48, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) Attack of the Clone
 * 12) * "However, Vader and Skywalker were busy dueling each other." The use of "however" implies that it had a direct effect on Todd, which it doesn't seem to right now. If it did, please be clearer.
 * 13) **Reworded.
 * 14) * "Carrick asked who Todd was": can this be rephrased to something less colloquial?
 * 15) **Rephrased.
 * 16) * "and claimed that everyone present there were his unwitting pawns": the word "everyone" is singular; please replace it.
 * 17) **Replaced.
 * 18) *"Todd's appearance was one of the factors that left Jar Jar confused, since Todd was not supposed to be there. Just as the others could not be at the same place since they all were from different time periods." A few things for these two sentences:
 * 19) ** I think "factors" can be removed; it's rather awkward phrasing.
 * 20) ** Why exactly was Todd "not supposed" to be there?
 * 21) ** Even though this article is non-canon, the second sentence is Out-of-Universe and makes it rather confusing. If it can be changed, please do so; if it needs to stay the way it is, please merge it with the first sentence.
 * 22) ***The sentences are merged/reworded.
 * 23) * "indicating that he was possibly a very powerful being": I know that this claim was more of an implication than a statement, but "possibly" sounds too speculative.
 * 24) **Reworded a bit. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 21:01, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) *Looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 03:19, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * The 264 balancing on the edge words at the time of the nomination. QuiGonJinn There's always a bigger fish. 18:25, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
 * After the copyedit I just did, the article is 298 according to Microsoft Word.  CC7567  (talk) 03:19, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Zelka Forn

 * Nominated by: -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  15:54, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Doctor? Doctor Who?

(0 ACs/1 Users/1 Total)
Support
 * 1) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 03:46, 23 April 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From the Council Chambers:
 * 2) * "After the destruction of the Galactic Republic, the main galactic government of the time, warship Endar Spire, individuals brought in several Republic soldiers who had been seriously wounded in the battle." Huh? Either something's missing or there's extraneous words here, because this doesn't make sense.
 * 3) * "Rakghoul this, rakghoul that": Rakghoul is inconsistently capitalized. Most notably, the term "[R]akghoul serum" is used at least once each way. I seem to possibly remember that Rakghoul should be capitalized, but I'm not sure if that is true or if my crazy brain is making stuff up. Which is correct?
 * 4) *I did a copyedit for you. Remember that the Ref template is only used in the infobox&mdash;you had it in the body, too, which I fixed. Otherwise, it's well-written and easily understandable for someone totally unfamiliar with that era. Good job. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 04:47, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) **Alright, done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  19:34, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Soresu
 * 7) * Benevolent is POV. Please remove.
 * 8) * Linking. Make sure everything is linked once in the intro and the body.
 * 9) * You begin too many sentences with Forn. Try using "he" instead.
 * 10) * Try not to use "grieved" twice.
 * 11) * After the destruction of the warship Endar Spire. Why and by whom was the Spire destroyed? Also, you haven't established where this event happened.
 * 12) * Despite the Sith government, the government that followed the Sith ideology, having an occupation of Taris, which could have seen him arrested and possibly shot, Forn agreed to heal the soldiers. He put a few of the soldiers in kolto tanks, healing medical tanks, in a back room of his facility. this doesn't flow very well. May I suggest something like Despite the fact that Taris was occupied by the Sith, which could have seen him arrested and possibly shot, Forn agreed to heal the soldiers, putting them in kolto tanks in a back room of his facility.
 * 13) * In the intro, you say that Revan killed a patrol to obtain the serum, but in the body, you say he found a corpse. Which is correct?
 * 14) * How did Revan discover the soldiers if they were in a back room? IIRC, he convinced Forn to show him the soldiers. you should probably add that some of them had already died.
 * 15) * Bts expansion. You need to add info about his appearance in KotOR as an NPC, his entry in the CSWE, whether it is possible to finish the game without doing the quest, and how he reacts if you give the serum to someone else.
 * 16) * The bts is too trivia-ish at the moment.
 * 17) * Is it actually essential to the plot that you meet Zelka? Can you actually finish the game without going into the medical facility? If so, then it would be unconfirmed as to whether Revan met him, and an extra bts note would be required. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:59, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Fixed, although no, Revan looked in the back room. I don't recall any sort of way for Zelka to agree to show him. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:47, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) Soresu's second look
 * 20) * There are some previous objections you haven't taken care of. In future, put a message after each objection, to alert the objector to the fact that they are all done, and so that if there are any issues, they can continue the discussion. In this case, to keep it organised, I'll strike all the old ones and reiterate any that are still not addressed.
 * 21) * You begin too many sentences with Forn. Try using "he" instead.
 * 22) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * How did Revan discover the soldiers if they were in a back room? IIRC, he convinced Forn to show him the soldiers. you should probably add that some of them had already died.
 * 24) **I don't recall any sort of way for Zelka to agree to show him.
 * 25) ***I'm pretty sure that you can persuade Forn into believing that you are a friend of the Republic. He then opens the door. The other way is to bash through the door of course. Instead of just saying he discovered them, you need to elaborate on how. One of these outcomes will have to be expanded upon in the body, while the other will have to go to the bts.
 * 26) ****Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) * After Revan discovers the soldiers, he and Forn have a short converstion, the details of which should be added into the article.
 * 28) * Bts expansion. You need to add info about his appearance in KotOR as an NPC, his entry in the CSWE, whether it is possible to finish the game without doing the quest, and how he reacts if you give the serum to someone else.
 * 29) **You haven't added anything about the CSWE entry or his reaction of you give the serum to someone else.
 * 30) ***Okay. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) * Is it actually essential to the plot that you meet Zelka? Can you actually finish the game without going into the medical facility? If so, then it would be unconfirmed as to whether Revan met him, and an extra bts note would be required.
 * 32) **That was added in before hand; oddly, however, the article includes content however isn't showing anything beneath the first paragraph of the BtS. I'll talk to staff about that. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * The bts is too trivia-ish at the moment.
 * 34) ** I didn't mean for you to delete that info, I was merely saying that it looked a bunch of facts in a list. The info should be restored and integrated into larger, more orgainsed paragraphs.
 * 35) ***Not deleted. Same problem. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * This page currently is not categorised. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:02, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) **It is categorized, but the categories are in the section not showing. By the time you're reading this, they should be fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:37, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) *Hm. Odd. Seems fine now. Alright, done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  16:38, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) **I'll vote as soon as an AC review comes in. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:12, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) Graestan the Merciless:
 * 41) *Last names after first mention, please.
 * 42) **What do you mean? -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 43) *I'm pretty sure things like "the South" when referring to the Upper City can be dismissed as game mechanics.
 * 44) **Addressed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) *"amnesiac Jedi Knight" doesn't quite cut it when referring to Revan. At the time, he was pretty much nothing in terms of being a Force user; I'd almost prefer that his Force sensitivity is left completely out.
 * 46) **Mhm. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) *"presumably killed" is speculation. Only say what is known.
 * 48) **Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) *Taris has a "main city?" I thought Taris was a city.
 * 50) **Sorted. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) *Again, something like "no known family members" is out-of-universe and speculation.
 * 52) **Removed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) *Linking needs to be more thorough.
 * 54) **Hm. Could you point out generally where, please? -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) *Rakghoul disease needs context in the bio.
 * 56) **Done. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) *Second paragraph of the bio needs to be broken up; it's a mishmash of not-yet-converged storylines.
 * 58) **Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 59) *How Shan was on Taris should be provided.
 * 60) **Provided. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 61) *"Which option Revan took was unknown, as neither results in a change of alignment. The nature of the conversation afterwards, unless Revan threatened Zelka, was such that it did not change the plot nor the character's alignment, therefore it's undetermined if Revan ever discovered the soldiers." – This is all pretty unnecessary. You can sum it up by stating that later sources which canonized the light-side path don't mention Forn or the medical facility.
 * 62) **Yep. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 63) *What exactly is meant by "one thousand and fifteen hundred credits?"
 * 64) **Whoops, addressed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:18, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) * Graestan ( Talk ) 17:14, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 67) *City of Taris? Do you mean the planet?
 * 68) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 69) *Sith government? Was it really a government? Better wording could be used here.
 * 70) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 71) *Give more information on the rakghoul disease in the bio.
 * 72) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) *Give more info on Revan and the circumstances of his amnesia.
 * 74) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) *Quote for the P&T?
 * 76) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:43, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) Attack of the Clone
 * 78) * "In his standing and position as a doctor": redundant; choose one or the other.
 * 79) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) * "Forn would not refuse help to anyone, regardless of their homeworld, species, political affiliation, personality, or even if he hated them on a personal level": the last one stands out with the lack of a noun; please reword.
 * 81) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) * "medically help or assist": I reworded it to this, but "help" and "assist" are redundant, and "medically" also makes the wording awkward.
 * 83) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) * "and individuals brought in several Republic soldiers": unclear; what were the individuals' affiliation?
 * 85) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 86) * "even with the possibility of being arrested or even shot": unclear as to who he would be punished by, and the wording is a bit awkward as well.
 * 87) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 88) * Awkward wording that Forn was upset about the plague; try to word to something clearer.
 * 89) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) * "Revan arrived at Forn's facility and convinced him to show them the Republic soldiers, by declaring their loyalty to the Republic." Revan convinced Forn to show who the soldiers?
 * 91) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) * What information did Revan agree not to disclose?
 * 93) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) * "Although Forn was originally fearful that Revan would betray him, Revan proved him wrong." Sounds strange never mentioning this before; try to move it up. If it happens here, please make it clearer.
 * 95) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 96) *Why was Revan's alliance with the Republic a problem for Forn and/or his decision?
 * 97) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 98) ***Please check this again. Do you meant, "Allied with the Sith as he was, Revan was in favor of Forn’s choice."? Forn's choice was in favor of the Republic, and this wording makes it sound like Revan was allied with the Sith. Please clear this up.  CC7567  (talk) 07:39, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 99) * "Revan refused, however, believing Forn needed them more than he and his companions did." Please replace "them" with something more specific.
 * 100) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 101) * "even if they were an off-worlder, alien, or even if he hated them": same issue with the different elements not matching; please try to reword.
 * 102) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 103) * "Forn considered Revan's spirit very noble": builds too much off of each other using "spirit".
 * 104) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 105) * "for its work on making a Rakghoul serum before it was taken by the Sith": awkward wording.
 * 106) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 107) * "the light side choices are those chosen canonically": do you mean that "the light side choices are canonical"?
 * 108) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 109) * "Although canon dictates that the most light side choices would have to be taken": bit unclear; please check and/or clarify.
 * 110) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 111) * Are dark side points bad? It sounds like it from the use of "however"; please check.
 * 112) **Fixed. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  07:29, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 113) * CC7567  (talk) 18:42, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * For obvious reasons, I'll withhold my vote until some feedback comes. -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  15:54, 21 April 2009 (UTC)
 * You're not meant to vote for your own noms. We got rid of that in the GA system revamp. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 04:28, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Confrontation in the Caverns of the Hidden One

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 01:15, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My WP:LE nom number 3

(2 ACs/3 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1) Nice. Keep up the good work! SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 11:56, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  17:11, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Assuming that the article will be renamed soon.  CC7567  (talk) 18:42, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:02, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:24, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Objections time.
 * 2) * First off, I don't like the way you use, in the introduction: "the duel was". Please change "the duel" to "the Duel in the Caverns of the Hidden One. The article's title should be the first mentioned name of the article.
 * 3) **It's conjecturally titled, so until it is specifically named in a source&mdash;and it was not named in Outcast&mdash;I can't put the name in the intro or body.
 * 4) * Context on the Baran Do.
 * 5) **Added.
 * 6) * "decided that it was time for him to die" - It's not immediately obvious who "him" is.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) * "Ziil struck Luke and Ben as paranoid and corrupt," - It'd be better if you could change "struck" to something else, to make it more clear.
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * More context on Ithia in the second entitled "Ben and Saal", please.
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * "Luke gathered all of the Hidden Ones into the throne chamber" - What throne chamber? Specify, please.
 * 13) **Addressed.
 * 14) * "Luke, of course, had no intention of doing so. Instead, he explained his theory to the Hidden Ones, and went on to suggest that Ben, who was barely a Jedi Knight, should duel the Hidden Ones' best fighter and newest addition, the senior combat instructor Charsae Saal, now known as Chara" - Break down into two sentences, please. Currently, it's a run on.
 * 15) **I couldn't find a good place to break this up, so I removed superfluous information that had been stated earlier.
 * 16) * "But then Ben got a blow in on Chara's head," - Could this be reworded? It doesn't sound particularly good as it is.
 * 17) **Addressed.
 * 18) * "and the Kel Dor went down." - "Went down" sounds rather colloquial. Fell down or something, perhaps?
 * 19) **Addressed.
 * 20) * "Finally pushed over the edge" - Whoa, whoa whoa. So we go from Ziil condemning them to be left without oxygen to die to him being incensed and attacking them? What caused this? Elaborate, please.
 * 21) **Addressed.
 * 22) * What happened to Ziil in the end? Please add in.
 * 23) **What happened to Ziil after the duel is unknown.
 * 24) *Not too bad so far. :) -- Darth tom Imperial Emblem.svg <span title="(Imperial Intelligence)" style="color:Black">(Imperial Intelligence)  20:03, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 21:05, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) Soresu
 * 27) * You say multiple times that the Hidden Ones were "freed". This is not really the case since they were there by voluntary choice. Try using something else. Other than that, you've done a great job with this article. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:29, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) **Addressed. Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:13, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) Soresu again
 * 30) * Graestan made a similar objection for your Raid GA. You need to source the "Previous" section of the infobox, and hence everything else as well.
 * 31) **But this time the event is from the same source: Outcast. Do I still have to source it? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 16:28, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ***Ah, I see. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:00, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) Attack of the Clone
 * 34) *Not an objection, but a note for the future: try to avoid getting too dash-happy. Sometimes dashes just break up the sentence flow more (even though they're intended to do the opposite), and commas will suffice in their place.
 * 35) **Noted, thanks for the advice.
 * 36) * I'm unsure if this is the best thing to do, but since there seem to be two duels, can the subsection of "The duel" be renamed? I know the "stick fight" between Ben and Saal wasn't really a duel persay, but it seems to have equal value. Also, could the article itself be renamed? It's already conjecturally titled, and I don't think brainstorming a better name (that encompasses both duels) will hurt.
 * 37) **Ok, I have a couple ideas, and I wanted to get your input before I actually move the page. "Battle in the Caverns of the Hidden One", "Confrontation in the Caverns of the Hidden One", "Skirmish in the Caverns of the Hidden One". Do you have any further ideas?
 * 38) ***Battle is too major; I think "confrontation" might work. However, you might want to get others' opinions before going ahead with this, especially that of an AC or such.  CC7567  (talk) 12:17, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) ****Jon, just to let you know, I'm casting my vote right now. This is the only one remaining, and I'll strike it when it is fixed.  CC7567  (talk) 18:42, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) *****Sure thing. I've contacted an AC, and I'm waiting to hear back. I'll change it once I have. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:53, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) ******Ok, it's been changed. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 01:33, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * In the intro, instead of stating that the duel took place in the throne room of the Caverns of the Hidden One, can it just be mentioned where it chronologically takes place in the intro?
 * 43) **Addressed.
 * 44) * "where they were allowed to speak with Ziil, who was now known only as the Hidden One": Ziil was never mentioned before except as a participant of the duel, so using "now" isn't appropriate; please clear this up.
 * 45) **Addressed.
 * 46) *** Still remains; please check again. It needs to be chronologically structured instead of being mentioned out of the blue; right now there isn't a reason why Ziil was now known as the Hidden One. Both the intro and the body need a slight mention of Ziil's recent ascent to the Hidden One.  CC7567  (talk) 12:17, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 47) ****I changed around the order a little bit, is this better? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 15:34, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) * Context needed for Coruscant.
 * 49) **Added.
 * 50) * "They hoped to talk with Koro Ziil&mdash;the Master of the Order who had briefly trained former Jedi Knight Jacen Solo during Solo's travels after the Yuuzhan Vong War&mdash;in order to find out why Solo had fallen to the dark side of the Force and become a Sith Lord." Dashes break up the sentence flow and should be removed, and the sentence will need rewording. Maybe say, "They hoped to talk with Koro Ziil, the Master of the Order; Ziil had briefly trained former Jedi Knight Jacen Solo...in order to find out why Solo had fallen to the dark side of the force."
 * 51) **Better?
 * 52) * In the body, it's unclear why the Skywalkers went to the Sages; the organization needs to be mentioned in relation to Ziil.
 * 53) **Better?
 * 54) * Since it's mentioned that Luke was not convinced that Saal died, can you briefly say why?
 * 55) **Addressed.
 * 56) * "Luke decided to prove to them that every minute they stayed down in the caverns their power was weakening." First of all, I changed the "he" to "Luke." Second, can you make this clearer? I get the gist of what you're saying, but rather than being an embellishment, the mention of the Sages' time in the caves sounds like it was the cause of their weakening power.
 * 57) **Is this better?
 * 58) * "When his former apprentice, Chara, admitted that he believed that the Skywalkers could be right" I edited the sentence a little bit, but this is the first time that Chara is mentioned as Ziil's former apprentice. Can this be moved up?
 * 59) **Addressed.
 * 60) * "and Ithia told Ziil that maybe the Hidden Ones&mdash;the "experiment"&mdash;had failed.": "maybe" can be changed to something less colloquial, and this part of the sentence needs rewording to make it clearer overall.
 * 61) **Addressed.
 * 62) * "As Luke got up and began moving slowly towards Ziil, holding back the flow of lightning, the other Hidden Ones were evacuating the throne chamber with Ben, who was directing them out a blast door." The way "evacuating" is used makes it sound as if the Hidden Ones were evacuating others, not themselves. Also, it's unclear if Luke continued to deflect the Force lightning even when he hit the pillar, or if he was forced to let it go.
 * 63) **Better?
 * 64) *** Actually, can it be stated why they were fleeing?  CC7567  (talk) 12:17, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 65) ****Good idea. Added. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 15:34, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 66) ***** Please check again; this looks like it still remains.  CC7567  (talk) 17:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 67) ******Sorry, I was in a bit of a rush and missed the "why". Is this better? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:19, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) * "broke free" doesn't seem to be appropriate for the situation; please change.
 * 69) **Changed.
 * 70) * "as well" seems unclear where it is used; it sounds like they turned against him here and didn't earlier when they were trying to escape. If it is already stated how it is, please make it clearer.
 * 71) **Removed.
 * 72) * When the Hidden Ones return to the surface, it's unclear as to whether Ziil went with them or remained.
 * 73) **That's unknown as of now.
 * 74) *Keep up the good work from Outcast.  CC7567  (talk) 04:29, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) **Thanks! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:06, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 76) Sorry for the post-vote objection, but could you rename the sections "The duels", "Ben and Saal" and "Luke and Ziil"? I've already changed "The duels" to "History", but you could try incorporating the purpose of what they were trying to do, respectively; i.e. "Obtaining proof" or something for "Ben and Saal", and a different creative title for "Luke and Ziil".  CC7567  (talk) 04:03, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 77) *Addressed; feel free to change them as you see fit. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:28, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 78) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 79) * Give a little more context on Luke's exile.
 * 80) **Addressed.
 * 81) *...That's it. Well done.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:29, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 82) **Thanks. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 03:52, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Combined Clans Center Building

 * Nominated by: —Xwing328 (Talk) 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Re-nomination after addressing the concerns from before, plus significant expansion.

(2 ACs/5 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) &mdash;Silly Dan (talk) 02:05, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) I know I put you through a lot, nice article. Kilson Likes PIE 20:12, 04 May 09 (UtC)
 * 3) Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:09, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Under the pretense that my remaining objection will be fixed soon.  CC7567  (talk) 01:56, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 22:52, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:26, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:53, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) From the Council Chambers:
 * 2) * Context on the Combined Clans and the Caamas Document Crisis is needed in the intro and body.
 * 3) **Added. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***You missed the Caamas Document Crisis intro context. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 23:28, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****How's it look now? —Xwing328 (Talk) 00:33, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *****It's good now. Nice job. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:09, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * "the center was unintentionally host to a devastating riot": "Unintentionally" is unnecessary, methinks. Since when did a building (i.e. an inanimate object) ever intentionally host a riot? ;)
 * 8) **Removed. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * "Security for the building included—but was not necessarily limited to—": The second part of that sounds just a little bit too much like the whole "unknown" thing and probably should be removed. (It's also legalese, but that's off topic.) "Include", by definition, leaves open the possibility that the following list may be incomplete, and in fact some writers insist that it should only be used when followed by an incomplete list (but don't tell a lawyer that). See the usage note halfway down the page here.
 * 10) **I actually agree, I'm not sure why I put that in there in the first place. I'll probably get the rest of these once I "contextify" everything. Thanks for the review! —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "Councilor Leia Organa Solo and her husband Han Solo were inadvertently visiting the building at the same time in an attempt to exam the Combined Clans' financial records.": They were in the building intentionally (i.e. to examine the financial records), so "inadvertently" doesn't make sense in that context. Reword, please (perhaps "''By coincidence,&hellip;").
 * 12) **Corrected. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) *Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 23:11, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) Kilson's problems
 * 15) * In the BtS, you should give the exact year the novel was released instead of saying the late '90s. Just to be more accurate.
 * 16) **"late 1990's" because the duology was spread out over two years, but I added it after the book like other writings often due. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * In the history, you mention that two Leresai were killed by the sniper. Why is this important, what do Leresais have to do with the building or the riot?
 * 18) **They have nothing to do with it other than they were at the riot and were killed. It's some of the only info actually provided about it. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * At the end of the history section, you say the entire first floor of the building was destroyed, why, how? You need to explain this also.
 * 20) **Explained as best I can. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * Why are the Imperials now instigating riots (this goes along with context on the Caamas Document Crisis that Manster Jonathan asked for), why is this Drend Nevatt dude there shooting up the place? Context need here too.
 * 22) **Answered and contextified. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * You mention that Senator Orou'cya in a quote asking Leia for help, but you don't mention this in the history section.
 * 24) **Missed this one first time around. Good now, I think. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:58, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) * You don't have any information in the history section about the building before or after 19 ABY. If any exists, you should put it in there.
 * 26) **None exists. Please keep objections within the rules laid out at the top of this page. Graestan ( Talk ) 15:24, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) *I don't want to sound nasty or anything, especially after all the help you gave me in the Hoth nom, but you need a lot more information about the Clan Building. After you address these, I'll re-review. Kilson Likes PIE 00:01, 29 April 09 (UTC)
 * 28) **That's out of line. You're not even on one of the article review panels; please be more respectful. Graestan ( Talk ) 15:25, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) ***Really, I don't want to sound mean, and I mean no disrespect to Xwing, but the article is lacking in information. It's true, I am not an Agricorps member, and I might be compeletly wrong on this, but I think the article needs more context to what exactly happened during this riot. Kilson Likes PIE 19:15, 29 April 09 (UTC)
 * 30) ****I will try to add what little left there is, including some context, but like Graestan has said, the author just didn't provide much more. PS: since final projects are due this weekend, it might be a few days before I get back to it. I can leave you a message when to check it. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) One question from Dan
 * 32) * Was it a three-story building, or a building with at least three floors? The article currently implies that it's a three-story building, but I somehow suspect it's not specified in the book (which is currently boxed, or I'd check myself.) &mdash;Silly Dan (talk) 20:50, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) **Yes, it's three floors. Aside from the part stating the atrium having three floors and then describing the staircases connecting the floors, it talks about people on the first floor during the riot, and those escaping to the "upper two floors," hence three. And then Han is stated to be on the third-floor balcony, later referred to as the top. Now, since the atrium is only the first third of the building, the rest of the building could theoretically be taller. I know you didn't need all that info, just explaining. And I've reworded it to hopefully reflect this better. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) **OK, makes sense. Thanks! &mdash;Silly Dan (talk) 02:05, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 36) * Tell us what the Combined Clans are in the intro.
 * 37) **Done. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * Context on the Caamas Document Crisis.
 * 39) **Done. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * "Councilor Leia Organa Solo" Councilor for what?
 * 41) **Added. You want this specific but you guys don't like mentioning two Leresai? —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) * Does it matter that two Leresai were killed?
 * 43) **Yes, added context. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:33, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 19:46, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) Attack of the Clone
 * 46) * "During the 19 ABY Caamas Document Crisis&mdash;brought about by the discovery of a document that implicated the involvement of Bothans in the destruction of Caamas&mdash;the center was host to a devastating riot incited by Imperials just prior to the Second Battle of Bothawui." First of all, I did some rewording for this sentence. However, the context for the crisis is rather windy, and even with dashes, it derives from the sentence flow. Can it be compacted/smoothed out in any way?
 * 47) * "An ornamental stairway ran between the first two floors, yet only a standard stairway connected the top two floors." Use of the word "yet" doesn't seem to be appropriate for a description of the building itself, unless it's extremely awe-worthy or extremely contrasting.
 * 48) **It is contrasting (ornamental vs. ordinary), hence the use of the word. I'll go for something less extreme like "while," if it appeases you. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) ***Nah, that's fine.  CC7567  (talk) 01:56, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) * "representative to Bothawui": I was going to change it to "of Bothawui", but I wasn't really sure if that's what you meant. Also, it should be made clearer about where Fey'lya represented Bothawui.
 * 51) **Added what he represented. Also, "representative to" and "representative of" are essentially interchangeable in the English language. If it really bugs you, we can change it, too. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) * "Concurrent with the arrival of Leia Organa Solo and her husband Han Solo at the Combined Clans Center Building in order to look into the Bothan financial records": the use of "concurrent" isn't really appropriate here, since the following details about the Solos' mission are admittedly rather lengthy. Even with rewording of the sentence itself, I think the Solos' mission needs to be stated differently from their arrival.
 * 53) **Yup, fixed. —Xwing328 (Talk) 02:28, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) * "another species whose government adamantly demanded sanctions against the Bothans": it sounds like the Leresai also had a government that demanded sanctions against the Bothans; I know that you're saying that they were simply another species, but it needs to be reworded for clarity.
 * 55) **Actually, this one goes both ways, as they are simply another species, but they are also now one of several species demanding sanctions. But I changed "another" to "a" to eliminate unnecessary confusion. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 56) * "Calm" is a noun, but it's not a state itself; "calm" can't really be appealed for. Please change to another word.
 * 57) **I respectfully disagree with you on this as well, and I hope you reconsider. Calm can be asked or appealed for, and it is in fact a quite common phrase to "appeal for calm". Not that the web is always reliable, but Google it if you still disagree. As you can see, quite a few news agencies even use this phrase. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * "Bothan guards fired shots into the crowd that ended in the destruction of the entire first floor": the use of "ended" makes it sound like the action abruptly stopped altogether; if this is the case, please make it clearer, but if not, please rephrase.
 * 59) **Would "resulted" be a better word choice? If so, done. —Xwing328 (Talk) 01:42, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) * CC7567  (talk) 05:01, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Onnelly Praji

 * Nominated by: Thefourdotelipsis 02:45, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: A cloth-eared bint if ever there was one.

(2 ACs/2 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 05:02, 02 May 09 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 21:45, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:02, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:31, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * I found it a bit strange that Tannon Praji was introduced in the intro as Maree's husband; I mean, it's normally a given that they were married. In any case, it's currently exclusive to the intro.
 * 3) **I cut Maree out of the intro.
 * 4) * Byss needs context in the intro.
 * 5) **Already there, I mention that it's Palpatine's private retreat.
 * 6) ***Could you check this again? It doesn't look like anything changed for Byss in the intro; it currently says nothing except that the Emerald Speldor Estates were on it.
 * 7) ****The context is a few sentences later. Thefourdotelipsis 21:43, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "Sonta, actually the Jedi Drake Lo'gaan": rather awkward; please change to "who was actually the Jedi Drake Lo'gaan" or something similar.
 * 9) **Fixed.
 * 10) * "as he was not making any sense to her" needs to be reworded, as does "Sonta put it bluntly"; both are rather grammatically awkward.
 * 11) **Tweaked.
 * 12) ***Could you check the first one again? "Not making any sense" is usually impersonal; it's usually "it doesn't make sense," not necessarily "not making sense to a person." Please try to reword.  CC7567  (talk) 19:00, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) ****Tweaked again. Thefourdotelipsis 21:43, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * Who was "the boy" who "was in fact a Jedi"? Bit unclear.
 * 15) **Well, I've only called one person "the boy" up to this point.
 * 16) * "and was not acting undercover" sounds unclear; do you mean he was now acting undercover? If not, please clear this up.
 * 17) **This has already been tweaked.
 * 18) * Please check your use of the word "debark"; I think you mean "depart".
 * 19) **I do indeed. Fixed.
 * 20) * "She was reliant on her father's ability to buy her what she wanted." Please reword this; it sounds a bit awkward as well.
 * 21) **Tweaked.
 * 22) * In the Bts, "established" is used twice; can one be changed?
 * 23) **Yes. Tweaked.
 * 24) * CC7567  (talk) 03:04, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 09:23, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) Bumrushin' the Show with IFYLOFD:
 * 27) * In the intro: Tell why they were being relocated.
 * 28) **Fixed.
 * 29) * Give some context on Lo'gaan in the intro: such as he survived the Purge.
 * 30) **I've mentioned that he's a fugitive.
 * 31) * Tell what the Ministry of Ingress is.
 * 32) **Done.
 * 33) * "The boy obliged, and began carrying all the bags by himself at once." Is the part about the bags necessary?
 * 34) **Yes, it shows that a random stranger went through an extraneous amount of work for her.
 * 35) * Underlinking throughout the bio.
 * 36) **Could you cite specific examples?
 * 37) * "One of the stormtroopers observed that Lo'gaan had survived the jump—Tremayne was not surprised." Does it matter to the article whether Tremayne was surprised?
 * 38) **I've added a bit to the end there.
 * 39) * The P&T quote is really more relevant to Lo'gaan than to Onnelly.
 * 40) **It's gone.
 * 41) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:49, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 22:40, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Defender (Venator-class)

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 08:00, 3 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:Apparently Anakin got tired of blowing up droid control ships from the inside, so he decided to stab one with a freaking Star Destroyer.

(1 ACs/3 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) Per pre-nom review.  CC7567  (talk) 06:07, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 19:51, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Per review below.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  01:23, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:47, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master
 * 2) * Intro: you mention Tuuk's "lead ship". Please use something less awkward here, like "command ship", or something similar.
 * 3) * Intro and First Assault: you link to the Grand Army of the Republic navy, but never to the actual Republic Navy itself. Please rearrange some of the links so that you connect directly to the Republic Navy.
 * 4) * Second Assault: you say "Skywalker opened a hololink", but in the episode, it doesn't appear to be a holo&mdash;it's a screen like the one used early in TPM. Is there any technical word for what he used? (If not, this isn't a big deal, and don't worry about it.)
 * 5) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jedi beacon ) 13:17, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) **I don't think there is a technical term for what they were using to communicate, so to be honest, I don't really know what to use. I addressed the other two objections though. Kilson Likes PIE 18:57, 2 May 09 (UTC)
 * 7) ***That's ok; I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else to use there. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 19:51, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) Lucius finds his way in a Star Destroyer... Scary
 * 9) *Good job. Here are just a few things.
 * 10) * Just a minor note: you should probably create a redirect like "The Defender (Venator-class)" and others, if you deem it necessary.
 * 11) **I don't really think it's that necessary, however, if someone else agrees with you, then I'll create one or two.
 * 12) * The Clone Wars needs context in the intro. (I guess it does need it, CC.)
 * 13) **I fixed up the grammar here.
 * 14) * ...under command of the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk. Should be "which was under..."
 * 15) * ...and put the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk in charge of the fleet. Sounds rather clumsy.
 * 16) **Should change to placed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:09, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) ***Addressed
 * 18) * I recommend switching the head quote with the second assault quote. The current second assault quote is better for a header, as it is a good, descriptive quote and briefly tells the ship's history, while the current header would be better for the second assault section.
 * 19) * In between "complete scan of the Defender" and "discovered", there should be a context clue stating that Mar Tuuk and his crew discovered Anakin.
 * 20) **I didn't put it exactly where you want it, but I think it sounds good.
 * 21) * An error in... It should be stated that it is an animation error, or whatever kind of error it is.
 * 22) * Mauser is correct; TCSWE was published before Storm Over Ryloth.
 * 23) **Sorry, I did not know that, I fixed it.
 * 24) *Lucius malfoy7 23:11, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) **I addressed your objections, thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 21:37, 5 May 09 (UTC)
 * 26) Soresu's first look
 * 27) * Doesn't conform with the new starship LG.
 * 28) * Around 22 BBY, the planet of Ryloth was seized by the Separatists, and a large Confederate fleet was placed over the planet to blockade it, which was under the command of the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk. You can't be commanding a verb. I would suggest Around 22 BBY, the planet of Ryloth was seized by the Separatists, and a large Confederate fleet, under the command of the Neimoidian Captain Mar Tuuk, was placed over the planet to blockade it.
 * 29) * "Under command of" is too repetitive in the intro. Also, I think under the command of sounds better and is more correct. Please go through the article and change all cases.
 * 30) * However, she disobeyed orders, thinking she could reach Tuuk's Lucrehulk flagship and destroy it, and the Defender and the other two Star Destroyers were heavily damaged by Vulture droid suicide attacks without the cover. Split the sentence and use something other than "cover", since it's already in the sentence before it.
 * 31) * Eventually, after losing most of her squadron, Tano returned to the Republic task force, the Defender and the Resolute were able to retreat to hyperspace, but the Redeemer had taken too damage and broke apart in space. Reword.
 * 32) * At first, Tuuk believed the Jedi's lie, but after a complete scan of the Defender discovered that Anakin was the only life-form aboard, Tuuk uncovered Skywalker's deception. Reword.
 * 33) * The Resolute arrived out of hyperspace to engage what remained of the Confederate blockade, and Tano's forces were able to defeat the remaining frigates. Remaining is repetitive.
 * 34) **How about now dude. Kilson Likes PIE 22:00, 07 May 09 (UTC)

Comments
 * Wasn't TCSWE published before Storm Over Ryloth first aired?  Mauser  Comlink 12:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * I believe so; I corrected it.  CC7567  (talk) 06:19, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Onaconda Farr

 * Nominated by: &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  00:16, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:This nomination is pretty farr off, but I thought I'd give it a go.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  00:16, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

(0 ACs/1 Users/1 Total)
Support
 * 1) Farl supports Farr. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 06:58, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Clone's preliminaries
 * 2) **Thanks for the review.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) * Check for POV-oriented material such as "unfortunately" and "fortunately", and please remove them.
 * 4) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) * Finis Valorum requires context. Also, why is this mentioned only in the intro and not the body as well?
 * 6) **Both addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * The Mission to Rodia needs to be expanded in the intro.
 * 8) **Expanded and paragraphed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * The last sentence of the intro belongs close to the beginning of the intro.
 * 10) **I switched a few sentences around. Is this good?
 * 11) * "In response to the Republic's inability or lack of will": whether or not it's known for sure, speculation needs to be removed. Only state what is known.
 * 12) **Shortened to "In response".  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) * "In reality, and desperation," neither have any relation; please reword.
 * 14) **Removed desperation. I think reality is needed, to show that Amidala was not called to Rodia for the purpose stated/implied in the previous paragraph.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * Saying that Amidala was "given" to Gunray inaccurately sounds like she's an object.
 * 16) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * "Cad Bane and the Battle of Duro" makes it sound like both are related, which they are not.
 * 18) **Changed to "Cad Bane's Raid and the Battle of Duro". I think they should both go together, as they are fairly near each other on the timeline and, let's face it, it looks weird with the two under separate headings.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) ***I think a more general title can be found; it sounds like the events had a direct effect on each other, which they did not.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) ****I just split the two up; its fine (I think.)  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:50, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * The Senate hostage crisis is a conjecturally titled article, and should not be mentioned directly by name.
 * 22) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) * The Senate hostage crisis needs cleanup and expansion overall.
 * 24) **Is there any particular section needing expansion in the crisis? I want to focus on the main aspects of the mission and Farr's involvement only, just so the article does not stray from Farr's history.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ***It's mostly what's below; I'll address further details later.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) ** Why did Bane take the senators hostage?
 * 27) ***Explained in the next sentence.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) ** You mention first that he was captured, then was talking about the bill, then was captured.
 * 29) ***Is a "Immediately before Bane's raid" good, or should I totally rework the order?  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) ****It's too confusing. Just state that Farr was talking about the bill with the other senators (also, notice capitalization for that), and was then taken hostage by Bane (and why). I'll get to reviewing the other objections soon later today.  CC7567  (talk) 21:05, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) *****Fixed in my own copyedit.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ** "Later, Anakin Skywalker was taken hostage, signaling the near end of Bane's mission." Talking too much from an OOU-perspective.
 * 33) ***Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) ** "Anakin Skywalker, however, anticapated Bane later remotely killing the Senators": does not make sense.
 * 35) ***Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * The Bts requires organization. It should be mentioned first where he appeared, then who portrayed him, and then any other info.
 * 37) **Re-organized.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) * I've noticed that you've really only touched TCW-related sections; please take a look at the others and see if you can improve them overall.  CC7567  (talk) 01:44, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) **Will do.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  21:01, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) ***Slightly expanded "Battle of Duro" section; not much I can do with it otherwise without straying from his POV.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:50, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) Before I read it:
 * 42) * Infobox needs to be completely sourced.
 * 43) **Thanks... Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  13:28, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) ***You still haven't sourced one of the fields.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 00:26, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) ****Thanks... my bad, and addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:25, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) * The succession box needs to be sourced.
 * 47) **Did not know that... Now I do, and addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  13:28, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) * Check the sources are correctly ordered.
 * 49) **I believe they are.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) ***They weren't, the sources list is ordered by release date, I've reordered it.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 00:26, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) ****Thanks; here I was thinking it was by chronological order all this time.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:25, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) *****Appearances are ordered chronologically, but sources are ordered by release date.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 08:09, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) *Make sure you check your article conforms to the Manual of Style before nominating it.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:44, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) **I'm pretty sure it conforms.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) Attack of the Clone II
 * 56) * In the beginning of the intro, it's confusing to say that he served until 21 BBY without mentioning the circumstances. Just mention his resignation at the end; the opening sentence doesn't necessarily have to surmise the entire character.
 * 57) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) * Yinchorri requires context in both the intro and the body.
 * 59) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 60) ***What were the circumstances? Why did action need to be taken against them? Also, please check "aggressive"; it's too POV-oriented.
 * 61) ****Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 62) * I've placed Fact tags that require separate sourcing. I've also edited the article with my own copyedit, and I've placed Fact tags for information whose sources I do not know.
 * 63) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 64) * Is the mention of Dooku as Palpatine's Sith apprentice really necessary? I understand that it's part of the embellishment, but it isn't expanded upon and does not seem to have a direct effect on Farr himself.
 * 65) **95% weren't; removed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference
 * 66) *Unclear as to whether Looruya simply stepped down from his seat on the Committee or resigned from the Senate altogether.
 * 67) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 68) ***"leading to Looruya's resignation from Senatorial office, and to Farr replacing Looruya on the Committee.'" The second part of the sentence stands out because it is not a noun (like "resignation"); please change.
 * 69) ****I don't really understand, but I split the sentence. I think it sounds all right, but please let me know if it will not suffice.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:57, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 70) *****It sounds very much like Farr plotted to get Looruya out of the Senate, but it's not very clear. Please clarify this.
 * 71) ******How so? I don't say anything about Farr setting him up, just that the charges were legit, Looruya stepped down, and Farr took his place.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 72) *******Saying that Farr "released" a list implies that he had them in his possession for a while, which implies that he was planning to wait for something. Is there any mention of how Farr obtained the information?  CC7567  (talk) 01:02, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 73) * Unclear as to what the Senate Action Subcommittee for Corellian Trade Spine Defense was.
 * 74) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 75) ***Nevermind; I'm going to remove it, since it's really self-contextualizing.
 * 76) *The Mission to Rodia requires a lot of expansion overall. Here are a few questions to ask yourself and expand upon in the article.
 * 77) **How did Farr react to the imprisonment of Amidala?
 * 78) **What was Farr's reaction to the "Bombad Jedi"?
 * 79) ***I had praised in the end... Is this enough?  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 80) ****No, because that's not his reaction, it's an effect of his reaction. There's no sense as to what his immediate reaction was when he learned about the Jedi, which leaves the reader in the dark.  CC7567  (talk) 01:02, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 81) **How did Amidala escape? (I think there's a factual error currently in there right now; please check the episode again and/or its guide on the official site.)
 * 82) ***Now there's too much detail. It wasn't made clear before that she escaped, and that's why I objected.
 * 83) ****I don't think there's too much detail. All there is now is that she escaped with a lockpick.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Love  Life  Liberty   00:36, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 84) *****Saying that she escaped is enough. It's not very much detail, yes, but it's something, and I personally find that a small detail like that implies that it was important to Farr that Amidala escaped with a lock pick, since it's included in his article. I don't see how it is.  CC7567  (talk) 01:02, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 85) **How did Farr see the error of his ways?
 * 86) ** How was Gunray captured? What did Amidala help Farr to do?
 * 87) **While addressing the above, please be careful to keep it centered around Farr and from his perspective.
 * 88) ***All of the above expanded/addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:57, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 89) ****No, they're still remaining. This section in particular jumps around way too much, and it's not even focused on Farr. The general events are there, but the article still requires significant expansion on Farr's point of view. How did he react to the events taking place? The only thing I notice on Farr's thoughts is a "reluctant alliance with Gunray," and there's nothing else. His alliance was reluctant, yes, but it was still an alliance, and there's no sense of his shift from appeasing Gunray to helping Amidala capture the viceroy.  CC7567  (talk) 23:11, 13 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 90) * Article is in need of a P&T section.
 * 91) **Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  12:53, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 92) *** And it also needs sourcing.  CC7567  (talk) 18:16, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 93) ****Slipped my mind. Addressed.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  20:25, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 94) * CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Ovarra

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 02:18, 06 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:Yep, another Wookiee nom. Sorry its not pink this time. It's just a really old chick. :(

(2 ACs/2 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) Pre-nom objections addressed in IRC. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 16px"><font color=#008080>Cylka  <span style="font-family: times, cursive; font-size: 13px"><font color=#00A693>-talk- 02:32, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Well done, Kilson of PIE. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 20:04, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 00:11, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ... I still hate PIE.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:34, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) *Yeah you better run! :P Kilson Likes PIE 19:25, 09 May 09 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Floyd is in the house:
 * 2) * "Ikvizi hired a spacer to prove his innocence. " Prove whose innocence? Clarify.
 * 3) * "The most notable of these was bribing a guard to let him examine the corpse a Wookiee hunter who had died in the Shadowlands." Reword, as it sounds like it could be referring to the people testifying or the allegations.
 * 4) * .Any quotes for P&T?
 * 5) *Nice job.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:46, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) **All of your objections are addressed. Thank you for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 19:26, 07 May 09 (UTC)
 * 7) The Grand Master
 * 8) * "she would make sure Ikvizi would get a light punishment." Seems a little colloquial, please reword.
 * 9) * "but a group of Trandoshan slavers doing painful experiments on Wookiee captives." "Doing" is a little awkward, reword please.
 * 10) * "Ikvizi decided to sneak into the camp and find some proof to take back to Kachirho" This is unclear as well. Why is he findinng "proof"? (I understand what you're trying to say, but it isn't clear in the text why Ikvizi is taking "proof" back to Kachirho.)
 * 11) * " there were suddenly a whole slew of people testifying against him" Somewhat colloquial, please reword.
 * 12) * Context on the Shadowlands.
 * 13) * "The spacer returned to Kachirho and brought the documents to Ikvizi, who, after looking them over, told the spacer to give the documents to Ovarra, who was at Kachirho's center tree, the center of government for Kachirho, at the time." This needs to be broken up into multiple sentences or with dashes.
 * 14) * "she cleared Ikvizi of the dangerous experiment charges" "Dangerous expirement charges" is also somewhat colloquial/unclear.
 * 15) * "Ovarra said she would argue for him to receive a lenient sentence" This is somewhat awkward, please reword.
 * 16) * "'sent a patrol to stop the remaining Trandoshans''" Specify earlier who these remaining Trandoshans are, such as: "to stop the Trandoshans that remained back at the camp", or something along those lines.
 * 17) * "She showed this when she still charged Ikvizi with bribing the guards to examine a Wookiee's corpse." "She showed this when she still charged&hellip;" is a little awkward, please reword.
 * 18) * "already preexisting" is somewhat redundant. Remove "already" or reword.
 * 19) *Keep up the good work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 02:59, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) **I addressed your objections. And thank you, I try. :P Kilson Likes PIE 19:17, 07 May 09 (UTC)
 * 21) Attack of the Clone
 * 22) * Please change "light punishment" to something less colloquial and perhaps more specific.
 * 23) * "documents implicating him in a plan to perform harmful experiments on the Wookiees": needs rewording to be clearer.
 * 24) **I reworded it, how about now?
 * 25) * "During the trial, there were suddenly many people testifying against him": comes out of nowhere, making it sound like the people appeared straight out of thin air.
 * 26) **The game never identified who made these testimonies, or why for that matter.
 * 27) * Please change "things" to something more specific and less colloquial.
 * 28) * "The most notable of these testimonies was when Ikviz bribed a guard to let him examine the corpse of a Wookiee hunter who had died in the Shadowlands, the dark ground level of Kashyyyk." It's unclear who the testimony came from.
 * 29) **Once again, they were never identified.
 * 30) * "Ovarra was very skeptical of the evidence provided in the trial, but it still seemed that Ikvizi was going to be found guilty by the judges." It sounds like Ovarra wasn't a judge herself, despite the fact that you mentioned before that she was; please reword or at least change it to "other judges".
 * 31) * "She then sent a patrol to stop the Trandoshans that remained at the camp so that they would not be able to continue harming the Wookiee populace." It wasn't mentioned that several left in the first place; please check and/or clarify.
 * 32) **Sorry, I forgot to say that the spacer killed some of the slavers.
 * 33) * "as she said she should argue that the Geonosian would get a lenient sentence for his crimes": unclear; please check.
 * 34) **She never explained exactly what she meant.
 * 35) * "this article assumes 100% game completion": way too OOU.
 * 36) * Overall, the article seems to be focusing too much on Ikvizi; please try to write it from Ovarra's perspective with only a few sentences dedicated to the story behind the framing of Ikvizi instead of a whole paragraph. In addition, Ikvizi's hiring of a spacer seems to be too much from his perspective as well instead of Ovarra's.  CC7567  (talk) 00:02, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) **I tried to reword the article so it sound like it's coming from Ovarra's perspective. I addressed your other objections, and thanks for the review. Kilon Likes PIE 00:01, 08 May 09 (UTC)

Comments

Burra

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 03:24, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: One more for WP:LE and Outcast.

(3 ACs/1 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good work.  CC7567  (talk) 19:17, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:25, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Two more Hidden Ones left. I hope to see them here soon. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:09, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) *You will, I'm working on getting Ithia ready now. :P Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:19, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 11:16, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) How many more Outcast characters are there for you to do? :P
 * 2) *Enough to tide me over until Omen comes out ;)
 * 3) * It can be stated in the intro why the Skywalkers were searching for Ziil.
 * 4) **Done.
 * 5) * It can be stated earlier that Burra was one of the oldest members of the sect.
 * 6) **Addressed.
 * 7) * "dedicated to preserving the Order's knowledge so that, if the Baran Do were destroyed, they could restore the Order." Bit awkward phrasing, mostly with the use of the comma; the sentence needs rephrasing.
 * 8) **Better?
 * 9) * It seems awkward to end a sentence with "for a while"; might want to consider rewording.
 * 10) **Removed.
 * 11) * "the Skywalkers found Saal alive": bit awkward wording; almost sounds like the Skywalkers were hunting him.
 * 12) **Is this better?
 * 13) * Unclear as to who "had discussed the theory that Luke proposed."
 * 14) **Addressed.
 * 15) ***Did that include Ziil?
 * 16) ****Well, in the novel it just says that their "lord of the dead decides everything", but that may have been long enough ago that Tokra Hazz was still their leader, so I thought adding Ziil might be a little too speculative.
 * 17) * "even after Ben defeated Chara, who was by far Ben's superior": bit awkward phrasing. Also, it wasn't stated that Chara believed Luke in the first place, so it's confusing when you say that he was brainwashed.
 * 18) **Better?
 * 19) ***"because he had the will to win": maybe say "possessed", but not "had".
 * 20) ****Done.
 * 21) * "Ziil decided to reverse his decision on killing the Skywalkers, but refused to change his mind on the matter of letting no one leave the caverns." Both parts of the sentence have a bit awkward phrasing.
 * 22) **Better?
 * 23) * What were the lies Ben revealed?
 * 24) **Is this better; too much info, or not enough?
 * 25) *** A little too much, I think. You can generalize it; the numerous examples are a bit wordy.  CC7567  (talk) 18:12, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) ****Better? Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:45, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) ***** What does the self-sufficiency have to do with Burra directly? The others are fine, but it seems that this one is irrelevant; please check and/or clarify.  CC7567  (talk) 18:53, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) ******Removed. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 18:58, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 29) * The P&T mentions that Ziil trusted Burra, while the P&A says that it appeared that he trusted Ziil; please be consistent and state what's known.
 * 30) **Addressed.
 * 31) * "perhaps the only other": unclear as to who the "other" is.
 * 32) **Better?
 * 33) *Real solid work, Jon. Your writing has really improved. :)  CC7567  (talk) 05:28, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) **Thank you very much :). Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 11:20, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) Soresu
 * 36) * I've just copy-edited it out in the past, but I should state it here. Luke was no longer Grand Master after his exile. Please change.
 * 37) **Addressed.
 * 38) * Burra left the Baran Do to join the Hidden Ones Burra didn't leave the Baran Do as the Hidden Ones are just a sect of it.
 * 39) **Addressed.
 * 40) *Per CC. You are improving. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 12:12, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) **Thank you very much, too. :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 14:26, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 42) Grunny:
 * 43) * Intro: "recently exiled for dereliction of duty" Probably best to clarify what he was exiled from for those who haven't read the book.
 * 44) **Done.
 * 45) * Early life: "former Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker" is "former" appropriate since Kenth is only acting head of the order and others still refer to Luke as the Grand Master? So is Luke still the Grand Master, but simply exiled from the Order? (More of a question since I can't remember :P)
 * 46) **Well, I'm not really sure either, as it wasn't explicitly stated in the novel. Soresu had me change it to "former", but I can change it back.
 * 47) ***As far as I can remember it's never mentioned that he never gives up the title, and Kenth is only acting head of the Order. Also I'm pretty sure most of the Jedi still refer to him as the Grand Master, Cilghal still calls him the Grand Master for instance, so I would be inclined to say that he is still the Grand Master, unless it is stated clearly otherwise. Ask Soresu what he thinks :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 14:46, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 48) ****He said I could go ahead and remove it, so I did. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:03, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) *****Okay cool, if it is confirmed later that he gave up the title, it's an easy fix :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 11:16, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 50) * Leaving the Hidden Ones: Could you mention in the second paragraph that Ben caused the way out to collapse?
 * 51) **Added. I'll get to the last one asap. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:15, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 52) * The second half of the P&a seems like your restating the P&t. If there is no more information on his powers or abilities other than the first line of the P&a, I would prefer merging the sections than adding superfluous information that isn't really relevant to the P&a.
 * 53) **Merged.
 * 54) *Good work yet again Jon :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 07:39, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) **Thanks Grun :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 14:37, 14 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Eol Sha lichen

 * Nominated by: NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 21:20, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: It was deGA'd becuase it was not 250 words.... 251! Well. Fine, not anymore. =P

(1 ACs/3 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good job. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 23:28, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:36, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3)  CC7567  (talk) 18:49, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 11:55, 14 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Info unique to intro. In fact, in the process moving much of the info from the intro to a fresh "History" section, you removed a ref note in the intro to the Jedi Academy Sourcebook, so there's also unsourced info. There's info in the lead quote not present in the article, and an italicization issue in the BtS. This should be much more than 251 words long. And it would be nice to see a little care and thought taken with GA noms. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 21:27, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *I've added the description section and all info that I can see that was part of the sourcebook was also in the novel itself. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:03, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) The Grand Master
 * 4) * There is some info unique to the intro, be sure to add it into the main body.
 * 5) * "Using the Force in a way he had been able to many times before" This is a little awkward and unclear, please reword.
 * 6) * The History section ends a little abruptly, mention briefly what this "second test" was.
 * 7) * Add the release date of Jedi Search in the Bts.
 * 8) **This particular objection isn't required of FAs/GAs; just wanted to let you know that. It's up to the nominator on whether he includes it or not.  CC7567  (talk) 22:33, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) ***Ok, thanks for letting me know. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 23:28, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) *Good job. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jedi beacon ) 21:30, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) Floyd:
 * 12) * Contextify Gantoris upon first mention.
 * 13) * Mention that Luke was trying to get Gantoris to join the Academy earlier.
 * 14) * Does his second test (with the lava) really relate to this article about the lichen?
 * 15) *Nice job.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:47, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) **Done. Thank you for reviewing the article. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 03:03, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) Attack of the Clone
 * 18) * "It was protected by the extreme heat by growing in deep crevasses within the geysers." Unclear as to what "it" is.
 * 19) **I'm not seeing how, the subject of the previous sentence is crystal clear. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:13, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * Saying "that quest" is a bit awkward; makes it sound like it was a different quest.
 * 21) **Done NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:13, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) * What was the use of seeing if Skywalker would be caught in the boiling water and super-heated steam?
 * 23) **Clairified. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 13:13, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) ***Bit of a run-on.  CC7567  (talk) 15:58, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) ****Fixed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 18:25, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) *Looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 03:16, 8 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Young advisory council

 * Nominated by: Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 06:45, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Second GA nom, this one twice as long.

(2 ACs/2 Users/4 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 02:12, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 16:39, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 22:35, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:52, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) Instant attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "Plus" needs to be replaced; it's colloquial.
 * 3) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * Can it be mentioned earlier in the intro that Cerasi was the head?
 * 5) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * Cerasi and Nield need a bit of context as to who they were; it's unclear whether they were part of the original Young or the Elders.
 * 7) **It seems clear to me&mdash;the Young formed a government and they were part of the government, so it logically follows that they were part of the Young. However, I can change it if you still don't like it. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "a vote on the council": try to reword a bit; it's slightly awkward.
 * 9) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Kenobi needs context.
 * 11) **I'm not sure what you mean here. What kind of context? Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) ***Padawan? Failed Padawan? Self-exile from the Jedi Order?  CC7567  (talk) 20:38, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) ****Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:35, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) * "Another early action was to ban anyone": bit awkward; try going for something like "The council also..." instead of wording it this way.
 * 15) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) * "the votes were six for the stop action and five against, with Kenobi, the last to vote, voting for the motion." Bit unclear what "the motion" is, also because it's not really chronological. Maybe say that it was five to five, and then say Kenobi voted to stop the act.
 * 17) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) * Bit unclear to the chronology as to when the Elders arrived to protest.
 * 19) **The book doesn't say when. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * "the fragmentation of the council was complete": sounds a bit like it was a plan executed by an enemy.
 * 21) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 16:36, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) ***Still sounds a bit awkward; I think it should be simply "The council fragmented" or change it to something else. It can fragment overtime (and if you're going to emphasize it that way, it should be made clearer earlier), but "fragment" is an awkward word choice for disintegration overtime.  CC7567  (talk) 20:38, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) ****Addressed again, hopefully. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 01:35, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) *Looks fine otherwise. Good job.  CC7567  (talk) 07:03, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) IFYLOFD says hello:
 * 26) * Contextify The Young in the intro.
 * 27) **Addressed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * Contextify Cerasi in the intro and the main body.
 * 29) **She's already identified as the head of the council in both places, and I can't think of anything else to say. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) * "ended the war by waging a new war against the Melida and Daan," A little confusing. Just clarify it a little bit.
 * 31) **Reworded. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) * Contextify the Elders.
 * 33) **Again, not sure what else to say other than what is already said, which is that they were a faction of both Melida and Daan. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * Clear up why they would want to destroy the Halls of Evidence.
 * 35) **Addressed, I think.
 * 36) * In Fragmentation, you mention that Obi-Wan and Cerasi try to stop the destruction of the Halls. But later you mention that Nield was destroying "another Hall". Is this one of the Halls of Evidence, or something unrelated?
 * 37) **Clarified.
 * 38) * "Nield started working on Mawat" Working on isn't really the right choice of verb. Use a more situation-appropriate word.
 * 39) **Reworded, but I'm not sure about it. If you don't like it, feel to change it to something you do like because I can't think of anything else. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 02:52, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) * IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:10, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * You may want to create a "Composition" section.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Talk ' • ' Reference  13:38, 9 May 2009 (UTC)
 * The reason I didn't do a "Composition" section is because it would be ridiculously short&mdash;the only information available is that there are ten members elected for one year each and that the head was Cerasi, plus the names of a few other members. If there was more info available, I could see using that section, but since there's not enough info and we don't have an LG entry for legislatures&mdash;probably due to an appalling lack of GAs or FAs on legislative bodies&mdash;I simply incorporated the info into the "History" section where appropriate. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 18:20, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

Braha'tok

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 21:35, 09 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:Mad props to my homie Ello 137 for fixing up this ride on What's the Story. What the hell did I just say! :P

(1 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1) Objections hashed out in IRC.  CC7567  (talk) 03:54, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 05:50, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) IFYLOFD attacks your nom:
 * 2) *"and was subsequently caught in a trap that had been devised by Emperor Palpatine." Subsequently? Weren't they already caught in a trap?
 * 3) *"Originally, Ello 137 the Braha'tok's name as a mythical Dornean name," Fix.
 * 4) *Why wouldn't Ello be able to fit the name in?
 * 5) **Ello just says that he couldn't fit the mythical name into the "flow" of the story.
 * 6) *Could use a copyedit for grammar and spelling. I've fixed what I've seen, but you should go over it for good measure.
 * 7) *Other than that, a fine job.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 01:15, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) **I addressed your other objections, thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 02:42, 10 May 09 (UTC)
 * 9) Soresu never bothers to say anything amusing here
 * 10) * The Braha'tok was a Braha'tok-class gunship in the Dornean Navy under the command of Kiles L'toth. Unclear as to whether L'toth commands the ship or the fleet.
 * 11) * You should probably state in the History that they didn't know that the Death Star was functional. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:13, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) **I addressed both objections, thanks for the review. Kilson Likes PIE 19:39, 10 May 09 (UTC)

Comments

Savuud Thimram

 * Nominated by: Thefourdotelipsis 03:48, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:

(2 ACs/1 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 04:47, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:29, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:02, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "A Universal Energy Cage brought the captive to the Citadel, where it was received by Thimram, Ap-Llewff, and several other Dark Side Adepts." Do you mean "where he was received"?
 * 3) **Yes. Fixed.
 * 4) * "Upon exiting, Skywalker attacked several of the Adepts with the Force, claiming that he would enter the Citadel of his own volition." The "upon exiting" is rather awkward because it isn't specifically stated where he exited from.
 * 5) **Fixed.
 * 6) *That's it; good job.  CC7567  (talk) 03:59, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) **I thank you for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 04:25, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) It's Floyd!:
 * 9) *"effectively became one of Palpatine's most faithful servants." Is effectively the right word choice?
 * 10) **I turfed it.
 * 11) *"young Thimram's" POV.
 * 12) **No...it isn't?
 * 13) *"Later that year, Palpatine was definitively killed" Definitively?
 * 14) **Yes, definitively. The fact that he has died several times before is kinda irrelevant to Thimram, so I've left as something that that is technically correct, and doesn't stray too far from the focus, but will potentially make the reader go "Hmm, what does that mean? Maybe I should read up on that event." To that end, I've pipelinked it.
 * 15) *Quote for P&T?
 * 16) **Nada. The only thing of interest that he says is the lead quote.
 * 17) *Nice job.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:37, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Thanks for the review. Thefourdotelipsis 08:40, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Battle of Phu

 * Nominated by:  CC7567  (talk) 21:53, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: The first in TCW project Malevolence Crisis. Doesn't even deserve to be dubbed a "battle", though.

(0 ACs/6 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Very nicely done. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:39, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Sweet. -- —Harrar  ( Villip ) 23:52, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 05:30, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 08:48, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 02:57, 12 May 09 (UTC)
 * 6)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 21:12, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Jujiggum
 * 2) * "the unpredictable attacks drove fear across the citizens of the Republic." "Across" is a little awkward/unlcear here, please reword.
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * Aftermath ends a little abruptly. Tag something on to the end of the section to make it more&hellip;final.
 * 5) **I fixed it up a bit, but there's only so much I can do without providing a complete summary of the next battle.
 * 6) * You use "also" several times in the BTS. Please reword/replace some of these.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) *Good job, as always. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:48, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) **Thank you, kind sir.  CC7567  (talk) 22:59, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) Priestly musings
 * 11) * "destroyed from the wave" is an odd way of putting this. Are shields really "destroyed" or do they collapse? Destroyed "from" sounds strange and "the wave" is ambiguous. Please reword this li'l sentence.
 * 12) **Addressed.
 * 13) * "Meets his fate" - used in the caption and in the BtS is POV - unless we have a source to prove that predeterminism was operating on this occasion this kind of phrasing needs to go in all articles ;)
 * 14) **Addressed.
 * 15) * Nothing ironic about characters being killed in their debut novels/comics - happens all the time.
 * 16) **Addressed.
 * 17) *Nicely done. -- —Harrar  ( Villip ) 23:20, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Thank you.  CC7567  (talk) 23:24, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) Floyd shoots ion cannons at your nom:
 * 20) * No main quote.
 * 21) **Oh dang, I really did forget that. :|
 * 22) *Other than that, looks great.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 00:47, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) **Thanks. :)  CC7567  (talk) 00:51, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Jorad

 * Nominated by: Jinzler 22:50, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: a typical Jedi-turned-Dark-Side-Adept

(2 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 18:18, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:15, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "He was captured by members of the Inquisitorius, a group of Dark Side Adepts who served the Galactic Empire, a galactic government that had succeeded the Republic." Context builds off of each other way too much; please remove one. The Empire would be the more likely one, as it's rather self-contextualizing.
 * 3) **Fixed --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) ***"Perform his duties" and "perform his role" are both a bit awkward word choice. The first sound like he did chores, while the second is just a bit awkward. Please see if you can reword.  CC7567  (talk) 15:41, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ****I have rewrote both of them, but I slightly disagree with your logic. Inquisitors were essentially glorified errand boys for Palpatine --Jinzler 17:01, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) *****I'm not sure; it gave me the sense that in doing chores, they didn't enjoy what they did. I wasn't sure of this, so I'm striking it, but feel free to change it back if you wish; it was just rather awkward wording.  CC7567  (talk) 18:18, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) * "Jorad was assigned to serve his masters": issue in both the intro and the body; it previously stated that he became an Inquisitor, and that implies that he held equal rank instead of being a subordinate. Please clarify.
 * 8) **Rephrased --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * "'Jorad was able to evade death": bit awkward wording; sounds like he was trying to prevent dying a natural death or become immortal. Please reword.
 * 10) **Rephrased --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "but was eventually captured by members of the Inquisitorius, an order of Dark Side Adepts who served the Galactic Empire, the Republic's successor government, as Jedi hunters." Same context issue as before; please smooth out flow.
 * 12) **Fixed --Jinzler 15:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) * CC7567  (talk) 23:11, 10 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) Soresu
 * 15) * I wouldn't call Palpatine ruler of the Republic. More like head.
 * 16) **Rephrased --Jinzler 09:40, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * It could probably be made more clear that the Republic was destroyed and the Galactic Empire became its successor. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 09:09, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) **Clarified --Jinzler 09:40, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Calo Nord

 * Nominated by: Jedi Kasra (talk) 15:17, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Hope it passes.

(0 ACs/1 Users/1 Total)
Support
 * 1) Pre-nom reviewed. Master JonathanJedi Council Chambers 23:09, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) *The intro currently seems rather disproportionate to his history; the intro is currently half the size of the history section. Please see if you can cut it down some. Notably, his activity on Taris can be shortened as a whole.
 * 3) *"When he was no longer one of the hunted, he became one of the hunters" I understand the embellishment, but it's not appropriate to the article as formal writing; please change.
 * 4) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) ***No, it's still there; just reword it in general.
 * 6) *"When the Sith began to bombard Taris, Nord and Kang tried to kill Shan, the Republic captain Carth Onasi, the Mandalorian Canderous Ordo&mdash;who was Nord's rival&mdash;and the amnesiac former Sith Lord Revan when they tried to steal Kang's flagship, the Ebon Hawk." This sentence is very confusing; please check again.
 * 7) * It says in the intro that several people put the bounty on his head, while in the body it's only one.
 * 8) *"She, the former Sith Lord and amnesiac soldier Revan, the Republic captain Carth Onasi, and the Mandalorian Canderous Ordo&mdash;who was also one of Kang's employees&mdash;attempted to steal Kang's flagship, the Ebon Hawk so that they could escape Taris." Unclear; please reword.
 * 9) * "to take everyone down with him" makes it sound like he was descending into somewhere; reword please.
 * 10) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "and told the Sith Lord, along with the Sith Admiral Saul Karath": Unclear whether the admiral was addressing the Sith Lord with Nord or was part of the audience.
 * 12) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) *"and to capture Shan alive, if possible": unclear whether if he wanted to capture Shan alive, "if possible," or whether he wanted to capture Shan "if possible."
 * 14) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) ***No, it's still unclear.
 * 16) *"Nord and a group of thugs": can "thugs" be replaced (in all places it appears) by something less colloquial and more specific?
 * 17) *"Nord gave the former Sith Lord credit for leading him on quite a chase": too colloquial.
 * 18) *"When Revan tried to get Nord to agree to a deal": please replace "get", as it's too colloquial. Also, what was the deal?
 * 19) * Why is Nord's species and gender all the way down in the P&T instead of at the beginning of the body?
 * 20) *First sentence of the P&T is rather POV-oriented; please try to reword.
 * 21) *"Nord's loyalty was to hard credits, and sometimes, to the thrill of the hunt.": please try to reword.
 * 22) **I believe I've taken care of this.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:33, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) ***It's still just too confusing, and the embellishment isn't working. Please just remove this and reword the sentence.  CC7567  (talk) 16:45, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) *I'll take another look after these are addressed.  CC7567  (talk) 20:05, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * I'll take care of these objections as soon as I can, in a matter of a few days.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 23:21, 13 May 2009 (UTC)

Mission to Delrian

 * Nominated by: -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 18:08, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Not usually a fan of these types of articles, but what the hey. Made from scratch.

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 23:51, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:41, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 00:04, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) --Eyrezer 07:14, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 13:55, 17 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * Might want to replace "hushed up" in both places; it's not very specific. Perhaps say "hidden from the public" or something.
 * 3) **I replaced one, but "hushed up" is fairly specific, and ideal to use in this case.
 * 4) * "Thus, the Separatists had intimate knowledge of the facility's defensive capabilities": unclear when they obtained the knowledge, i.e. before Tambor's capture or in forming a plan to rescue him.
 * 5) **It's unclear in the source, but the wording suggests that it was in forming a plan, so I've reworded the article to reflect that without outright saying it.
 * 6) * "Tambor's rescue allowed Palpatine to plot in safety again: with the Techno Union active once more, the war was evenly poised and no end was in sight." It sounds like "once more" would be a better word choice for "again", but changing it would be redundant, as it's already there for the Union. Please try to reword.
 * 7) **Reworded a bit, should be good now.
 * 8) *Looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 20:19, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) **Thanks, and thanks for the review. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 21:48, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) The Grand Master
 * 11) * "The mission to Delrian was a rescue attempt successfully undertaken by the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Techno Union early in 21 BBY." I would suggest using something other than "rescue attempt" here, as it seems somewhat awkward when you don't include who it was they were rescuing beforehand.
 * 12) **Cut out the rescue part.
 * 13) * I understand that "hushed-up" is specific, but it seems to be a little too connotated. Maybe use something like "quiet", or "secret".
 * 14) **I really don't see any problem with it. It's entirely appropriate to use in this case, and much less clunky than any other wording as I see it.
 * 15) ***Ok, I guess that's fine.
 * 16) * There is some underlinking in the article: things such as "Changeling" (which should be linked to Changeling (species type)) and "prison" are missing in intro and body, and others: "world" (which could go to homeworld or planet, depending on the instance), "squad", "methane", "commando", "Skakoan", and Tambor's "fortress on Xagobah" (which would be Mazariyan, I believe), are missing links in the body. Make sure you catch these as well as any others.
 * 17) **Linked those. I couldn't spot any others, hopefully I didn't miss any.
 * 18) *Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 18:27, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) **Thank you, and thanks for the review. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 23:25, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) Soresu
 * 21) * managed to snare Tambor, exceeding expectations. Whose expectations? The Republic's? Tambor's? Sidious'? SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:35, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **He just sort of ... generally exceeded expectations. He wasn't expected to do that well, generally...by everyone and anyone, really. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 23:48, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) ***Alright. Just checking. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 00:04, 16 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Dhidal Nyz

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 21:58, 11 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Because I really need another Outcast nom ;)

(1 ACs/2 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 02:46, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Keep up the good work. :) Kilson Likes PIE 01:23, 13 May 09 (UTC)
 * 3) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 03:26, 16 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The clone has no comment...even though that was just a comment.
 * 2) *Just a note: the intro was in future tense, which was rather confusing (as well as inconsistent). I corrected it; just try to keep it in mind for the future.
 * 3) **Ok, thanks; I'll watch for that in the future. (I think I rushed into this nom a bit, I don't think it was quite where I needed it to be yet).
 * 4) * "most of which were high-value fugitives, many from patents or military contracts": rather choppy.
 * 5) **Better?
 * 6) * In the body, who hired him to capture Horn? Also, "partnering" him without saying who hired him makes it more confusing because it's implying a higher power (or his employer) was involved without mentioning it.
 * 7) **It's never stated clearly in the novel who he was working for, but I've removed the "partnering" part.
 * 8) * Context for Force Psychosis is mentioned with Hellin; please move it up to Horn's mention.
 * 9) **Oops. Fixed.
 * 10) * "Somewhat" is used twice in the P&T. Instead of using it, try to find an appropriate word that doesn't need "somewhat" to portray its level.
 * 11) **Changed.
 * 12) * "In the past" isn't too specific, since the article isn't oriented to a specific period of time; it's about his character as a whole.
 * 13) **Removed.
 * 14) * "he preferred to use weapons that he invented, among other heavy weaponry.": bit awkward wording.
 * 15) **Better?
 * 16) *I hope this is the last Outcast character. :P  CC7567  (talk) 00:08, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **Don't worry, it is. Nobody else really has enough information for a GA ;). Thanks as always for the review! Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 02:40, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) The PIEman's time
 * 19) * You should give some context in the intro exactly why he failed to capture Horn.
 * 20) **Added.
 * 21) * In 43.5 ABY, he attempted to capture Jedi Knight Valin Horn, who had gone on a destructive rampage through the galactic capital of Coruscant after a psychotic breakdown, which caused the affected being to believe that everyone they knew had been replaced by impostors, except for others who suffered from the disease. This is a run-on, try to break it down. You might want to put the psychtoic breakdown context into its own sentence.
 * 22) **Addressed.
 * 23) * You stated in both the Biography and in the P&T sections that he made much of his fortune off of his bounties, most of which were high-value fugitives from patents or military contracts. I would cut this sentance from one of the sections so that you are not restating it in the other.
 * 24) **Addressed.
 * 25) *Other than that, looks fine. Nice job dude. Kilson Likes PIE 04:07, 12 May 09 (UTC)
 * 26) **Thanks PIEman Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:13, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) Soresu
 * 28) * A female bounty hunter to Nyz, after he shot Solo with his net and managed to ensnare a Jedi twice with his electric-pulse net. If he shot at Solo, then why isn't the info in the bio? An under-1000 word article should be very comprehensive.
 * 29) **Significant amount of info added.
 * 30) *** During the hunt, another being piloted Nyz's cargo hauler, and Nyz and his comrades rode in the ship's bed. During the chase, as Horn was fleeing from Jedi pursuers, he ejected from the X-wing he had been flying and landed in the bed of the hauler. Is that out of chronology? Nyz rides in the bed, then ejects out of an X-wing onto the hauler? Also, "during the" is repetitive, and his ability to pilot an X-wing should be in the P&T. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 00:08, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) ****Horn was the one ejecting from the X-wing; reworded for clarity.
 * 32) *****Ah, I see. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 03:26, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 33) * another being piloted Nyz's cargo hauler, and Nyz and his comrade. Which comrade? Vaxx, or the female? SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:19, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) **Supposed to be "comrades"; fixed now. Thanks for the review :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:38, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Battle of Ryndellia

 * Nominated by:  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Trying to get the minor Malevolence stuff out of the way before the real pains.

(0 ACs/3 Users/3 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good job. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 23:00, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Objections taken care of on the IRC. Kilson Likes PIE 02:50, 15 May 09 (UTC)
 * 3) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:41, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master
 * 2) * Context for Grievous in intro and history
 * 3) **He's a general; I feel that stating he was a Kaleesh or a cyborg would deviate from the article itself.
 * 4) * "The convoy was ambushed by the Confederate Subjugator-class heavy cruiser Malevolence, under the command of General Grievous, and the Confederate warship eliminated the Republic transports with its laser guns and ion cannons. " The last part of the phrase is a little awkward; please reword or break up into separate sentences.
 * 5) **Addressed.
 * 6) * "On Sith Lord and Confederate Head of State Count Dooku's order" You don't need both "Sith lord" and "Confederate Head of State" there; just stick with one, otherwise it sounds like you're talking about two different people.
 * 7) **Addressed with some bias; I feel that both are important (if not equal to each other). I took out the one in the intro, but I feel it's relevant to the body. If you still want it removed, I'll nuke it.
 * 8) * "The cannons neutralized the power of their targets, leaving the targets vulnerable without the ability to use deflector shields." Use something else for one of the "targets".
 * 9) **Addressed.
 * 10) * "and his trust and faith in Grievous diminished." In this case, trust and faith mean basically the same thing; to keep it flowing better, just use one of them.
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * "and was pleased that the medical convoy had been eliminated." You should clarify that the forces have been eliminated before you say this, because the last thing the reader knew Grievous had destroyed a droid for not being able to target any Republic forces, and now they've won the battle.
 * 13) **I moved the sentence about the battle droid; see if it works better. It's already rather heavily implied that the convoy was eliminated.
 * 14) *Good work :). Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:05, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) **Thanks.  CC7567  (talk) 22:21, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) Soresu
 * 17) * Skywalker led Shadow Squadron in recently acquired BTL-B Y-wing starfighters. Not "and"?
 * 18) **What? I don't really get the objection; the sentence looks fine to me.
 * 19) ***Doh! Suddenly got it. Sorry, I thought he took shadow squad and a number of Y-wings. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:41, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) * A B1 battle droid commented on its inability to target anything, and Grievous smashed it aside. A bit unclear whether the two its are referring to the Malevolence, the frigate, or the droid.
 * 21) **Addressed, although for the first one, I'm not sure if genders can be tagged to droids.
 * 22) ***Yeah, I guess they have male personalities.
 * 23) *Good job. SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 23:28, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) **Thanks for teh reviewth.  CC7567  (talk) 23:34, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * About 700 words, for general interest.  CC7567  (talk) 06:14, 12 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Now c. 576 words, after addressing recent objections.  CC7567  (talk) 07:33, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Bachenkall

 * Nominated by:  Grunny  ( Talk ) 04:59, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: ESB = greatest movie ever :P

(4 ACs/3 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:54, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 02:23, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 03:02, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) --Eyrezer 07:05, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 12:05, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 12:49, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) It is literally perfect. I can't see a single thing wrong with it. Nice job Grunny. Kilson Likes PIE 23:20, 16 May 09 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * Last sentence of the intro is a bit of a run-on; see if you can reword it so that it flows better.
 * 3) **Reworded a bit, see what you think :-).
 * 4) * "Bachenkall and the other members of the pit crew displayed fearful deference for the presence of Darth Vader": using "for" is a bit awkward here; please try to reword.
 * 5) **How's that?
 * 6) ***Still sounds a bit awkward...maybe say that they displayed fearful deference when the Dark Lord was present? I get what you're trying to say, but it's not coming off as completely clear.  CC7567  (talk) 15:51, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) *Looks fine otherwise. I guess you weren't kidding on IRC when you said watching ESB again inspired you to nominate one of its related articles. :P  CC7567  (talk) 06:56, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) **No I wasn't :P Thanks for the review CC :).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 10:09, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) Toprawa will kill you when he finds out you stole one of his ESB extras:
 * 10) * Mention his rank in the intro.
 * 11) **Done.
 * 12) * Out of curiosity, is there any reason you use "right-side" as opposed to "starboard" when mention which crewpit he was in?
 * 13) **Not particularly, changed to starboard :-).
 * 14) * The ESB novelization refs seem a bit redundant to me, since they reference the same things as the movie itself. Is there any reason why you included those extra refs?
 * 15) **I added the references because the novel describes the crew's fear, but Bachenkall is only directly appearing in the movie so it's hard to separate the refs.
 * 16) * Any possibility he appears in another version of ESB, such as the comic, PhotoComic, or even radio drama? I assume you've already checked the novelization.
 * 17) **I'll check them all tomorrow to make sure, and let you know :-).
 * 18) ***Checked, he does not appear in the other versions :-).  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:40, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) *Good work, as always. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:15, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) **Thanks Tranner, and Tope already knows :P.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 14:04, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) The Grand Master of Grandness
 * 22) * Is there a main quote available?
 * 23) **No, unfortunately.
 * 24) * "Strode" (in Bio) and "stalked" (in P&t) seem a little too POV. Try replacing them with something less&hellip;negatively connotated.
 * 25) **If I may interject, that's not really the definition of our POV standards. Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:55, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 26) ***Okay, I just thought they sounded too negatively connoted. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 21:01, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 27) ****No worries. If you and Grunny still want to work out a better word, you're more than welcome. Toprawa and Ralltiir 21:03, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * Not really an objection, but I would suggest making a stub for "Chuck Kallenbach", or maybe an external link, just so that you don't have a redlink de-beautifying your page.
 * 29) **Created.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 02:40, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) *And that's all. Looks good, Grun :). Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 18:02, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) Soresu
 * 32) * Served is repetitive in the last sentence of the first paragraph of the bio.
 * 33) **Changed second one.
 * 34) * Bachenkall was typical of graduates of the Empire's Training Academy on Raithal. Should Traning Academy be capitalised? Is it just a description, or is it actually referred to with capitals in the CSWE or another source? SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:17, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) **It is capitalized on the CCG card.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 12:03, 16 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

The Clone Wars: Procedure

 * Nominated by:Kilson Likes PIE 04:07, 16 May 09 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:For once, I don't have a stupid joke to make. It's a six-page web comic, what can I say? :P

(0 ACs/0 Users/0 Total)
Support
 * 1) NaruHina; Devil's Advocate
 * 2) *I'm sorry, but this article needs a lot more info. It needs a Conception section and a Production section (Or at least a Development section to cover these.).
 * 3) *It should have some kind of Reaction section, for response by critics, but I'm a little flexible on this one as it is a six page web-comic.
 * 4) *It needs to be sourced (i.e. the Infobox and Bts). (And no, not all that info is sourcable to the comic itself)
 * 5) *Nowhere in the article does it say that it is part of a series of comics paralleling the show.
 * 6) *The plot section should be much more detailed. For example, there is no mention of the planet Bormus.
 * 7) *Context on Anakin Skywalker.
 * 8) *"Anakin Skywalker speaks to Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and Senator Ask Aak via hologram, asking them whether or not he can use the new Y-wings starfighters against the Confederacy's new weapon." What weapon?
 * 9) *Context on Twilight.
 * 10) *Context on Bormus Testing Facility.
 * 11) *"However, after Skywalker and Tano bring up telling the Supreme Chancellor about how the Gran delayed their efforts, the worker allows Skywalker to take the fighters." A bit confusing. Reword.
 * 12) *Good luck. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 05:42, 16 May 2009 (UTC)

Object

Comments

Kibnon

 * Nominated by: --Eyrezer 04:36, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: This is a ~400 word article on a species. Enjoy.

(2 ACs/3 Users/5 Total)
Support
 * 1)  CC7567  (talk) 06:42, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) SoresuMakashi ( Everything I tell you is a lie  the truth  ) 10:24, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Well done. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 13:48, 17 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Will do anything for even a passing reference to the stalk-eyed species.--Skippy Farlstendoiro 08:46, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 19:54, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Attack of the Clone
 * 2) * "which were typically help": held, maybe? Wasn't sure, so I didn't change it.
 * 3) * "The Kibnon had two bulbous eyes atop narrow stalks on their heads. A thin antenna grew from each side of their heads": "on their heads," "of their heads," bit repetitive. Please try to reword if possible.
 * 4) * Last two sentences of the first section are a bit choppy.
 * 5) * "in on the planet Tatooine": in/on, pick one.
 * 6) * Context needed for Jabba, only because you mention Pulchatt's boss; it sounds a little off mentioning the boss without saying who Jabba was.
 * 7) * "by one of his patients detonating a thermal detonator in an attempt to kill the Doctor": could use rewording, perhaps "when one of his patients detonated..."
 * 8) * "another of his artworks": I'm unsure if artworks can be plural (apparently it can), but it just sounds a bit off to me. It could just be me, because I've never heard it used that way. As I'm not sure if it was accidental or intentional, please clarify.
 * 9) * CC7567  (talk) 06:03, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) **Heh. Unfortunately, the spell check didn't pick up the first objection. As to the rest, they should hopefully now be addressed. Vilardi is that good that you can call them artworks, but I changed it to illustrations anyway. :) Thanks for the prompt review. --Eyrezer 06:37, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) The Grand Master
 * 12) * "With six limbs and bulbous eyes on stalks" This reads rather confusingly, almost as if it implies that they also had six eyes. Please reword, maybe something like: "&hellip;and two bulbous eyes&hellip;"
 * 13) * Context for Sinthia Pulchatt. Not a lot is needed, just enough that the reader has a general idea of who she is.
 * 14) * "that were experimented on by Doctor Cornelius Evazan" This is pretty awkward, please reword.
 * 15) **I really don't see how this is awkward, but I've made a change anyway.
 * 16) ***It was just the way that "experimented on" was used that didn't flow; but it's fine now.
 * 17) * "one of his patients detonated a thermal detonator" This reads rather redundantly; I'd suggest using something else for "detonated"
 * 18) *Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 12:37, 16 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) **Should all be taken care of. --Eyrezer 05:41, 17 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) Skippy after the alien speices:
 * 21) * Not exactly required but: could you please write some reference to the Kibnon under Verpine (as both species are related) and Ando (as the planet apparently had a population of Kibnon)? --Skippy Farlstendoiro 06:32, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 22) **Lol. Now that is a very sneaky "objection," but I don't mind doing it anyway :P Actually, I won't add a mention on Ando, as it is not so much that there was a population there, as at least two were experimented on by Evazan, possibly taken from off-world. --Eyrezer 06:55, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Savar

 * Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 03:40, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: WP:LE!

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Pre-review.  Graestan ( Talk ) 03:41, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 03:56, 18 May 09 (UTC)
 * 3)  OLIOSTER  Sith_Emblem.svg 03:57, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 03:58, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 19:52, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  CC7567  (talk) 20:34, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The clone is feeling like being more picky than usual
 * 2) * "He led the Security troops that arrested Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker in 43 ABY for dereliction of duty." Slightly awkward wording; although it's implied, it's not specified before that he led troops.
 * 3) **Reworded.
 * 4) * "He led the hunters and a GA Security team to arrest Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker for failing to prevent Jedi Knight-turned-Sith Lord Darth Caedus's fall to the dark side of the Force in 41 ABY, during the Second Galactic Civil War." Unclear as to who "he" is, as it just comes out of a sentence listing the three bounty hunters. Also, it's a bit unclear whether Caedus' fall to the dark side took place in 41 ABY or whether it was the arrest; it could be made clearer.
 * 5) **Better?
 * 6) *** It's the same issue for the Galactic Civil War. I would suggest changing it to "Skywalker, who had failed to prevent..." but I don't think that's factually correct, so I recommend trying to find a different wording.  CC7567  (talk) 16:11, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) ****I looked through it again, and I think the Second Galactic Civil war part is kinda superfluous, so I just removed it. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 17:45, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * "During the arrest, Skywalker did not cooperate precisely to Savar's specifications, handing his lightsaber to Jedi Knight Leia Organa Solo instead of turning it over to the Security troops, and Savar stiffened after an insult from former smuggler Han Solo." How exactly was the insult related to the arrest? Including it in the same sentence implies that it was related; if it was, please clarify. If not, please reword.
 * 9) **Better?
 * 10) * "Nyz, thinking that Skywalker was attempting to use the Force on Savar, shouted that Skywalker was resisting the arrest." Both "thinking" and "shouting" can be reworded with better word choice. If you're going to use "shouted", it needs to be stated who he shouted to.
 * 11) **Well, he was shouting to everyone just in general. I changed it though, is this better?
 * 12) * When did Solusar get there?
 * 13) **I added a sentance earlier saying that Skywalker was accompanied by other Jedi; is that enough, or should I be more specific?
 * 14) * "Captain Savar was a firm and commanding officer": slightly awkward. I understood that firm was an adjective, but I mistook "commanding officer" to be a unit, i.e. "his commanding officer" or "commander".
 * 15) **Better?
 * 16) * CC7567  (talk) 04:32, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **Thanks for the review. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 11:12, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Wenton Chan

 * Nominated by: Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 18:29, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: In amongst all the Outcast and TCW noms, I bring you a nom from the film that started it all.

(1 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1) Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:06, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Nice job, Cav. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:18, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master needs a break from his Outcast noms
 * 2) * "Chan was part of the Rebel starfighter forces mobilized to attack the Death Star, the Galactic Empire's planet-destroying superweapon, once it became clear that the moon on Yavin 4—where Yavin Base was located—was its next target." This reads somewhat awkwardly, please reword/rearrange.
 * 3) **Done.
 * 4) * The first few sentences of the second paragraph under the bio section are out of chronnological order. You open by saying the Empire has discovered Yavin Base, and then you go back and say that they planted a homing beacon on the Millennium Falcon.
 * 5) **I set up the situation, then explained how it was done. It doesn't have to be in order to explain what is going on.
 * 6) * "The crew and passengers of the Falcon—including smuggler Han Solo and his Wookiee partner Chewbacca, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi and farmboy Luke Skywalker—had conducted the rescue of Princess Leia Organa, Alderaan's former Senator and high ranking member of the Rebel Alliance, from the Death Star, and had fled to Yavin Base with the plans to the new battlestation." This needs to be reworded, and should also probably be broken up into two sentences.
 * 7) **Rewritten.
 * 8) * "Chan, along with the rest of Red Squadron under the commander of Garven Dreis, launched in his T-65 X-wing starfighter." This implies that the whole squadron launched in Chan's starfighter, and "under the commander of Garven Dreis" should be reworded.
 * 9) **Done. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 21:51, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jujiggum ) 19:38, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) Attack of the Clone
 * 12) *"Chan volunteered to join the Alliance to Restore the Republic, joining their starfighter corps": please replace one of the "join"s.
 * 13) **Done.
 * 14) *"Chan, along with the rest of Red Squadron under the command of Garven Dreis, launched in their T-65 X-wing starfighters." I saw Jon's objection above, but I think this sentence can be reworded for better clarity. Technically, it should be "his" X-wing, but since that implies what Jon mentioned above, it just needs rewording.
 * 15) **Rewritten. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 00:01, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) *That's it; looks fine otherwise.  CC7567  (talk) 23:56, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * Yes, the image is crappy. I've asked Darth Culator to provide a replacement for it. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 18:29, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * New image uploaded, with thanks to Culator. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 23:44, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Checked ANH novel, comic for quote inclusion? Also, Behind the Magic and Annotated Screenplays should be included in Source list. Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:02, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Both novel and comic do not refer to Red Eleven in any way. I could put them in as indirect references since the squadron is present and he was known to be part at that time (although both sources refer to the squadron as Blue Squadron, per the original screenplay). Other sources added. - Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 21:51, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Mok

 * Nominated by:  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 21:36, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: There's jizz in his pants.

(1 ACs/1 Users/2 Total)
Support
 * 1) Per IRC review. Kilson Likes PIE 22:11, 18 May 09 (UTC)
 * 2) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:56, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master gets picky
 * 2) *"On the flight to the palace, Rostu earned Mok's ire by vomiting on the Weequay's boots, which he valued very highly." I know what you mean, but it could be reworded better.
 * 3) **Coudl you explain exactly what you mean? I'm afraid I don't get quite how this could be written better.
 * 4) ***You say "which he valued very highly", but you just mentioned two "he"s. I know what you're saying here, and it's not a super big deal (like I said, I'm getting pretty picky here), but I think it could be tweaked slightly just for clarity. Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:48, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) * Context for Mercantile Guild
 * 6) **Meh, it's a guild of merchants. No info is given about it. I think the name gives all the context needed.
 * 7) *That's all I could find. Well done :) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 22:25, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) The Grand Moff gets pickier:
 * 9) * I think the intro could use some expansion, including details on their arrest.
 * 10) * The Interstellar Trade League should be mentioned in both the intro and the bio.
 * 11) * "The male Weequay Mok worked with the Human smuggler Drach Coven. The two smuggled goods onboard their ship, the Far Ranger." - two short sentences that would probably look better combined as one.
 * 12) * Are there any details on Rostu's killing of the Imperial officer?
 * 13) * What happened to Rostu? Didn't he get the Far Ranger? If so, this should go in the bio and even in the intro.
 * 14) *Well done. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 23:12, 18 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) Attack of the Clone
 * 16) *First sentence is a bit confusing; unless there's a specific reason for it, I believe the fact that he was both a co-pilot and a smuggler can be mentioned together, because it's a little odd the way it's currently worded.
 * 17) *"who had had'": yeah, it's grammatically fine, but I just always find it too redundant. Can it be reworded?
 * 18) *"However, his partner, Coven": I don't think this is needed; it's already implied before, and it seems strange mentioning it down this far. Also, it implies that the two were romantically involved, because a specific situation wasn't set.
 * 19) *"Mok tried to break free and attacked a stormtrooper": it's not very clear in the sense that it's not stated what happened of his attempt to break free.
 * 20) *Looketh fineth otherwiseth.  CC7567  (talk) 00:10, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * 334 words. Also, Graestan, if you see this, I need to talk to you about starting the subpage for this.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 21:36, 18 May 2009 (UTC)