Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Darth Malak (second nomination)

Darth Malak

 * Nominated by:  05:42, July 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: "This is but a taste of the dark side to whet your appetite."&mdash;Darth Malak

Support

 * 1) The time I nommed Malak for GA wasn't as hard as yours. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 17:08, July 14, 2010 (UTC)
 * 2) The new info is covered perfectly, Kasra, although that's some mighty fine redundancy on CUSWE's part with 6 entries for him =P.  NAYAYEN : TALK 16:12, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * 3) Great Job, you can find all about Malak from this article; who he was, before sithhood and everything else. Great quality and pictures.--DARTH RAGE 22:03, July 16, 2010 (UTC)

Trayus Academy

 * The sentences in the intro are pretty short and choppy, and don't really flow into one another very well. Could you combine a few, or make them seem more relevant to one another?
 * I think I got some, let me know if more work needs to be done.-- 09:23, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * It's better but here's an example of what I mean: "Alek was a Human male born on the planet Quelii. When the Mandalorians attacked his homeworld, he escaped the battle. Shortly after, the Galactic Republic's immigration records assigned the name of Alek's home village as his surname. He was trained in the ways of the Jedi Order, eventually becoming a Jedi Knight.&mdash;the short sentences are really choppy and don't seem to relate to one another. There are a few other sections with a similar issue. I don't know if it helps everyone, but something that prevents me from doing this is reading it aloud to hear the flow, as its sometimes able to catch visually. I dunno. However you do it, these and others could be strung together a bit smoother. A suggestion would be "When the Mandalorians attacked his homeworld, he escaped the battle and fled towards Galactic Republic space. The Republics immigration records assigned the name of Alek's home village, Squinquargesimus, as his surname, and so for a time he was known to his comrades as "Squint"." That way the two sentences are related, and the note about his surname is more relevant to the intro. You can word it however you like though, as this is just a suggestion. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 21:20, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Gotcha, I think. Please try it.-- 21:50, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * In the intro, could you give some information on how Malak got involved in the war before you go into Zayne and the Covenant?
 * Done.--
 * Could you also give a bit of explanation as to why he took the name Malak?
 * Done.-- 09:33, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * I'll pick this up later when I have more time, but that's what I'll leave you with for tonight. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 08:59, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Looking forward to it, show no mercy. Seriously.-- 09:33, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * You could condense the paragraph in "The Adasca Affair" regarding how Carrick got on the Legacy&mdash;all that needs to be said is that he arrived with Karath. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 21:20, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Better?-- 21:32, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Although I'm not quite done, the body looks great, and I'm impressed by your handling of the Demagol/Dyre explanations. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 21:20, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks, I was concerned about the Dyre/Demagol issue.-- 21:32, July 16, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

 * Here's the first time I nommed Malak for the FAs. Changes have been made since then. Also, yes, it will be updated for new info from Timeline 9: The Mandalorian Wars, although as far as I know that is the only new source coming out featuring him. If any new sources or appearances do come out, you can be sure that I'll update the article.-- 05:42, July 12, 2010 (UTC)
 * If you don't mind, while I go through I may do some rewording similar to what I did in the first few paragraphs of the intro. If it messes up your meaning or if you just don't like what I've done, feel free to revert. Darth Trayus ( Trayus Academy ) 09:01, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Alright, thanks. Not too worried about this.-- 09:34, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * If you could, I think that adding and/or moving more details to the first two or three sentences to the beginning paragraph. That way people who don't know Malak(though I don't know who wouldn't) would be able to tell who he was by reading the first two sentences. Otherwise, Great Job. You have my Support!--DARTH RAGE 22:00, July 16, 2010 (UTC)
 * Will update with info from Timeline 9: The Mandalorian Wars soon.&mdash; 05:38, August 9, 2010 (UTC)