Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Chase Piru


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Chase Piru

 * Nominated by: –Victor  Sienar.svg (talk page ) 00:49, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My first "anything" nomination here on Wookieepedia. Been wanting to do this for sometime but didn't get off my lazy butt til now. Enjoy!

(5 Inqs/0 Users/5 Total/INQCON 5)
Support
 * 1) Good first effort; with further Inq reviews this will turn into a fine FA --  —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 09:42, 22 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  CC7567  (talk) 22:40, 11 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Nice work, Victor! I hope you write another. --Eyrezer 09:02, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  Graestan ( Talk ) 23:05, 27 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 08:22, 28 August 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The priest
 * 2) * You contextify Chase Piru very well in the biography, but not so well in the intro. "Piru was stationed in the Bogden Jedi Training Facility on Bogden 3 when Order 66 was issued, where she defended the Soaring Hawkbat Clan from the attacking clone troopers." is a bit of a sudden lurch. Try rephrasing to include the Clone Wars, the fact it is the end of the war and what Order 66 is.
 * 3) **Done.
 * 4) * "Piru and K'Kruhk were disturbed" &mdash; what does being "disturbed" entail?
 * 5) **Rephrased.
 * 6) * "During their attack on the pirates, Piru used her prowess to eliminate most of the them. She was nearly killed again before K'Kruhk unleashed his uncontrolled rage on the pirates and killed them." This is vague and not very well worded. Piru aids K'Kruhk in the fight, which isn't made clear here. Also try not to end sentences with the same word.
 * 7) **Done.
 * 8) * "Although K'Kruhk and Jeisel were supposed to join Cerean Jedi High Councilman Ki-Adi-Mundi to assist him in the Battle of Mygeeto, their predicament set them back." This is not really relevant to Piru, so if you want to retain it I'd like to hear a case for its inclusion. I'll just say that with a short article like this, drawing focus to the hero, in this case K'Kruhk, can detract from its focus on Piru considerably.
 * 9) **Agreed, so I removed that bit entirely.
 * 10) * "Shortly after their meals were consumed" &mdash; this reads funny and sounds like the clone troopers were the ones eating. Is this the case?
 * 11) **Addressed; it was actually the whole party who ate and finished at practically the same time.
 * 12) * Can you expand upon what the clone troopers do when they "revolted"; did they start shooting etc?
 * 13) **Done.
 * 14) * "an unidentified vessel entered the moon" &mdash; I doubt it was hollow :P; please rephrase.
 * 15) **Done.
 * 16) * "they could not know if danger lurked on the vessel." &mdash; this makes it sound as though danger is some sort of object or individual. I get what you mean, but it doesn't read right. Please try rephrasing this.
 * 17) **Done, I hope. Not so sure on it.
 * 18) * "However, the Whiphid's comlink was low on power and his communications were garbled, until it eventually lost all its power. Even though K'Kruhk had told Piru to lead the younglings away from the camp, she was unable to since she never received K'Kruhk's transmission." This needs to be rewritten from Piru's point of view. I.e., from what I understand, Piru is contacted, Piru cannot understand K'Kruhk's warning. If something happens that Piru doesn't know about, only leave it in unless it's of crucial importance to her.
 * 19) **Okay, done. I get what you mean. Done.
 * 20) * "Presumed dead, Piru was left behind since Lumbra claimed dead Jedi were worthless to the Empire." - I took out the superfluous "though", but I'd excise the "since Lumbra claimed dead Jedi were worthless to the Empire." The important detail is that Piru was left behind as she was presumed dead.
 * 21) ** Done.
 * 22) * "As the younglings were taken back to the ship, Kennan Taanzer attempted to reassure his fellow younglings that K'Kruhk would help them." &mdash; remove this please, it's not relevent to Piru.
 * 23) **Whoops, way irrelevant. Got ya.
 * 24) * "which confirmed the rumors they had intercepted over the HoloNet in the past two months." &mdash; this, on the other hand, seems pertinent enough to include the fact that K'Krukh and Piru were intercepting HoloNet transmissions and learned of a Jedi bounty earlier on the article. Please incorporate this information somewhere in the refuge section.
 * 25) **Addressed.
 * 26) * Again, chronology issues. You discuss Piru and K'Kruhk making a plan (which involves Piru guiding the arrows with the Force) but then don't reveal the plan until it's enacted. That's not very encyclopedaic; it's more like story-telling. If you incorporate the info about K'Kruhk instructing Piru to guide the arrows with the Force, which, although not present in the comic I imagine, can be inferred, that'd work better.
 * 27) **Sorry, got it down now.
 * 28) * You jump from the pirates realizing that the campfire is helping K'Kruhk to it suddenly being dark. I assume the pirates extinguish the campfire, so please include that info.
 * 29) **Done.
 * 30) * "he had overdid it in his attack and asked Piru if she could ever, along with the younglings, get over the way they saw the Jedi Master act that night, which he believed was not Jedi-like." &mdash; colloquial language, a bit of a run on. "Overdid it", "get over" are informal. Something like "come to terms with" or "forgive him for what he felt were actions unworthy of a Jedi." Anyway, split the sentence and re-word the dodgy bits.
 * 31) **Done.
 * 32) * "he would, after Lumbra's ship was repaired, take Piru" &mdahs; that's a peculiar placement for a clause. Watch out for these; it reads much better as ...that after Lumbra's ship had been repaired, he would take Piru"
 * 33) **Done.
 * 34) * "but that he could never stay with them for the way they saw him and be a constant reminder of what occurred on the moon." The "and" doesn't work here, though I get what you're trying to do. How about "...he could no longer stay with them, as he felt that his presence would be a constant reminder of what had occurred on the moon."
 * 35) **Done.
 * 36) * "She also acknowledged, from K'Kruhk, that she understood" &mdash; this doesn't read right; please re-word it.
 * 37) **Indeed it didn't. Addressed.
 * 38) *Well Victor this is very good indeed for a first effort at FAN and the diligence with which you've followed the Manual of Style in terms of writing P&As, P&Ts and BtS sections is clear. What you need to watch out for is your focus; there are times what I felt I was reading K'Kruhk's biography, and it seems very apparent that Piru is a subsidiary character at times. Although context is fine, to preserve the focus on Piru it's best to avoid extensive references to the activities of other characters. The only other thing to watch out for is stuff like unclear antecedents, colloquial phrasing (words like "do her part", "get over the way" etc) and varying sentence structure and how you refer to the characters. As I said though, this is an excellent first effort so keep it up! -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 23:28, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) **Thanks for the review. I'll finish up the intro objections soon. –Victor Squishy Vic.png (talk page ) 00:35, 9 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) ***Intro addressed.–Victor Squishy Vic.png (talk page ) 00:46, 9 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) Attack of the Clone
 * 42) * Please vary "refuge" in the intro and "delay" in the body. I suggest that you scan the article for any other unnecessary word redundancies.
 * 43) * The clone captain appears to need an article stub or at least a link.
 * 44) *That's all from me; excellent work for your first article.  CC7567  (talk) 05:01, 8 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 45) **Thanks for the review, and I can't take all the credit. Harrar did a very good cleanup job after me. ;) Anyway, objections addressed/link added. –Victor Squishy Vic.png (talk page ) 05:09, 11 August 2009 (UTC)

Comments
 * 1) Anyone? –Victor  Sienar.svg (talk page ) 03:48, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *It always takes a while Vic, but don't be disheartened! I won't be able to strike my objections until a week's time so no worries about rushing through them. -- —Harrar  ( Cut the comm chatter ) 23:28, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) **Indeed, almost a month. :P –Victor Squishy Vic.png (talk page ) 00:35, 9 July 2009 (UTC)
 * You called Bogden 3 a planet. IIRC, we don't know if it is a planet or a moon, especially given that the planet Bogden is known to have 20 moons. Consequently, I've changed the wording to the less specific "world". --Eyrezer 09:02, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the fix. You're right, it probably is a moon, like Yavin IV (or 4). And thank you for your praise very much! –Victor  Squishy Vic.png (talk page ) 05:50, 14 August 2009 (UTC)