Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Battle of Orto Plutonia


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Battle of Orto Plutonia

 * Nominated by:  JangFett  Talk 23:11, 3 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: At 2,505 words&mdash;This is one very important TCW article

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Object > JangFett  Talk 20:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC) > JangFett  Talk 20:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC) > JangFett  Talk 20:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC) > JangFett  Talk 20:26, 18 June 2009 (UTC) > JangFett  Talk 23:56, 26 June 2009 (UTC) > JangFett  Talk 16:33, 8 July 2009 (UTC) Comments
 * 1) Preliminaries
 * 2) *Before I scrutinize it:
 * 3) * "Crucial conflict" is too POV-oriented. It's not our place to determine what is important and what isn't. Yes, you can argue that many others are "crucial", but it's just not definable.
 * 4) **Addressed
 * 5) * The intro is too disproportionate to the article. Please cut it down.
 * 6) **Addressed per IRC review
 * 7) * In this case, there is no reason for links to be in quote text because the items are already linked elsewhere in the article.
 * 8) **Addressed
 * 9) * The Bts includes too much trivia unrelated to the battle.
 * 10) **Addressed
 * 11) * It's "Freeco" bike, not "Fresco" bike.
 * 12) **Addressed
 * 13) * "Talz scribe" isn't a rank of warrior; I don't see why that's in there.
 * 14) **Addressed
 * 15) * Not all the information you referenced to the episode itself is legitimate. The episode didn't state thirty-seven Talz were killed, and the date, Medcha Wanto's name, the 501st Legion and Torrent Company weren't mentioned in the episode either. Please check your sources.
 * 16) **Addressed
 * 17) * The prelude needs to be written from a more general point of view. It's currently centered around the Republic, as you state that the Talz's activity was "unknown to the Republic" without stating the Talz's reasons. Please just try to state what happened instead of writing it this way. What were the Talz's reasons for attack? Part of writing from a neutral POV is inferring and correctly placing events in chronology so that there aren't any "surprises".
 * 18) **Addressd and added why the Talz attacked Glid Station, as well as other issues I saw. If there is still more, I might need some specifics. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) * There are several issues of present tense, and there's still a lot of unnecessary dialogue. As I've already asked you to cover this for your Duel on Mustafar nom, please go through the article and check for these again.
 * 2) **Addressed. For the dialogue, the only major issue was in the prelude. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) ***I don't have the time to check this myself right now, but I expect that it will be covered through Grunny's objection.  CC7567  (talk) 04:44, 2 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) * CC7567  (talk) 23:58, 3 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) * If you're going to state in the Bts that the battle was a major one, please give a different reason rather than an amount of characters introduced. Introducing two characters isn't officially definable as "major"; the Battle of Christophsis introduced a multitude of clones, the Battle of Ryloth introduced even more characters, and so on. It's not clear why the battle was "major".  CC7567  (talk) 19:02, 4 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) **Not specifically a major one, addressed. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) Trayus
 * 2) * I would remove "draw" from the outcome. To say there was a peaceful resolution is sufficient. Draw sounds more like a game and less like an encyclopedic acount of a battle.
 * 3) **Addressed
 * 4) * Like CC said above, cut down the intro. Out of the 12 paragraphs in the article, a fourth of them are dedicated to the intro.
 * 5) **You addressed this objection a little to late. Has already been reviewed via IRC #TCW.
 * 6) *You're lacking any sort of information from The Clone Wars: Cold Snap.
 * 7) **Addressed <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) ***That doesn't mean including a summary of the entire comic. Shiv, Mag and Flanker don't even need to be named; all that needs to be said was that a squad of troopers were testing gear at Glid Station, but that it was attacked by the Talz, and the lack of contact led the Jedi to investigate.  CC7567  (talk) 20:37, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) ****Ok, addressed.
 * 3) * Stuff like "The battle introduced the CK-6 swoop, also known as "Freeco Swoops". BARC speeders would reappear and play a major role for the Republic during the battle as well. The Narglatch were introduced in the episode and were used by the Talz as their main transportation during the battle." doesn't belong on the BTS. its already in the body that they used Freecos, BARCs, and Narglatches.
 * 4) **Addressed
 * 5) * Darth Trayus Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 23:23, 4 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) While reverting an edit on this I noticed quite a few tense issues, please read through and check your work for these.  Grunny  ( Talk ) 08:51, 26 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 7) *Went back and corrected few errors with "is", changed to "was". <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) More Trayus
 * 2) *In the intro, you talk about Chuchi and Cho without explaining why they matter, who they are, who the Pantorans are, or what Pantora is.
 * 3) **Addressed
 * 4) *"and soon the Talz reemerged and confronted the group" - Not true. It was Skywalker and Kenobi who went in search of the Talz.
 * 5) **Addressed
 * 6) *"The Jedi regrouped with Rex and his men while Chuchi went to help the injured Cho who soon died from his injury." - Chuchi didn't go out there to help Cho. She was there to tell him that the assembly called him out of order.
 * 7) **Addressed
 * 8) *"Chuchi took a fallen Talz' spear and slammed it to the ground as a sign of peace. Thi-Sen soon took his and crossed it with the senator's spear on the ground. The Talz became friends with the Pantorans and peace was restored to Orto Plutonia." - The spear cross doesn't need to be in the intro. And the Pantorans and Talz were never "friends". They just negotiated peace.
 * 9) **Addressed
 * 10) *"Stationed in Glid Station, a Republic station near a Confederate headquarter base" - Thats a lot of station. Vary your vocabulary.
 * 11) **Addressed
 * 12) *"clone cold assault troopers became attacked by the native Talz." - You don't become attacked. You are either attacked or your not. Or you come under attack. Reword.
 * 13) **Addressed
 * 14) *There's still very little information on Cold Snap. I know CC told you above to cut it down a bit, but you overdid it. The only information that you have in there that is attributed to Cold Snap is stuff you could get out of the episode itself.
 * 15) **I added a little more information about their deaths, but if this is not enough, I need some specifics.
 * 16) *Keep things chronological. You're still taking everything from the Republic and the episode viewer's POV. In the Prelude, start with the attack on Glid Station AND the attack on the Confederate station. And say why they were attacked.
 * 17) **Addressed
 * 18) *" Fearing that the planet was a target by Separatist forces, the Jedi awaited the arrivial of Riyo Chuchi, a Senator representing the planet of Pantora, and Chairman of the Pantoran Assembly Chi Cho." - Where is it said that the Jedi "feared" that it was Separatist forces? And if they did, why would they call in a pair of politicians? In addition, they never "waited" for Chuchi and Cho. They all arrived together. Oh, and Pantora isn't a planet.
 * 19) **Fixed the sentence. Pantora is a moon :P
 * 20) *"Unknowingly to the group, native Talz have secretly attacked the Republic base and Clone troopers stationed there prior to Kenobi and Skywalker's arrival, due to the Talz' belief that the planet belongs to them." - Improper English and tense issues. And again, stay chronological and explain the attack earlier.
 * 21) **Addressed
 * 22) *"Upon entering the base, Skywalker and Clone Captain CC-7567—nicknamed Rex—knew that the base was attacked however not by Battle droids of the Separatist army, due to spears erecting out of the bodies of Clone troopers." - Improper English and it was Kenobi that went in with Rex, not Skywalker.
 * 23) **Addressed
 * 24) *"Raged, Cho told Chuchi of his past and he leaded the Pantorans into war before she was born and these savages responsible for the attack will be destroyed." - Improper English.
 * 25) **Addressed
 * 26) *Um...you go straight from their inspection of Glid Station to the meeting. No mention of their inspection of the Confederate base... no mention of Kenobi and Skywalker meeting with the Talz before hand...
 * 27) **Wait...nevermind. You kind of mention Kenobi and Skywalker's meeting with the Talz, but you have it horribly out of order. The Jedi meet with them first, alone, then return to Glid Station, then they AND Chuchi, Cho, and the clones meet with them at a completely different time and place.
 * 28) **Addressed
 * 29) *"Thi-Sen had given Cho to reconsider his thoughts" - Improper English.
 * 30) **Addressed
 * 31) *"Cho and Chuchi entered the peace agreement between the Talz and the Republic." - A peace agreement is an intangable object that cannot be entered into by a pair of individuals. I'm assuming you mean that they entered the peace meeting or peace talks, however saying that would be incorrect, as that never happened. There were never any peace talks, just a short meeting to discuss the issue at hand.
 * 32) **Addressed. I'm stopping here for now. <span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px"
 * 1) *Your first attribution in the battle section is worded incorrectly. Cho was speaking to Rex and his troopers, and Skywalker was speaking to Rex. Right now it sounds as if Cho was speaking to Rex and Skywalker.
 * 2) *"the chairman forced all the clone troopers to organize and follow him." - He didn't force them to do anything. It was under the orders of Skywalker that they followed.
 * 3) *"Though Cho cared less of the clones, and soon Cho along with his two Pantoran guards fired upon the Talz that stood on top of a icy cliff." - Improper English. And he didn't fire on the ones atop the cliff. They were in the canyon with him.
 * 4) *"The Talz countered the attack Republic group by throwing spears at them." - What's an attack Republic group?
 * 5) *"The Republic soon lost the majority of their Freeco bikes while Talz decimated their attack with their spears." - An attack is an intangable object that cannot be "decimated" by spears. Reword.
 * 6) *"A spear killed one of Cho's guards, which caused Cho to feel defenseless and soon his other fell." - Don't state that Cho felt defenseless. Even if there is a source for it, it has no place in a battle article. And what would that have to do with this "other" falling? And please specify what the "other" is. And don't say fell. Just straight up say that he was killed.
 * 7) *"Kenobi and Skywalker approached Senator Chuchi in a Republic gunship, while she was calling the Pantoran Assembly to discuss the matter of Cho's actions." - Just say they were all together in a gunship or something. Saying they approched ehr is the equivilent of saying they took a few steps forward while she was making the call.
 * 8) *It wasn't just any member of the Pantoran Assembly she was speaking to, it was the Speaker. Specify that and link to his page.
 * 9) *"Chuchi had to end the battle and the concurrent grudge the Talz had with the Pantoran due to Cho's actions." - This is worded nonsensically. Redo it.
 * 10) *"Though, Chuchi demanded that Kenobi should help her in this matter and tell the Talz colony leader, Thi-Sen, that the Pantorans are friends with them." - Both incorrect and horridly worded.
 * 11) *"Meanwhile, Rex and the remaining clone troopers approached a cliff which forced Rex to park his BARC speeder near the fall. The injured chairman was placed on the snowy ground while Rex directed his forces around the BARC speeder barrage." - Reword "near the fall", "snowy ground", and "speeder barrage". The "fall" and the "barrage" make little sense, and the "snowy" is unnecessary.
 * 12) *"The Talz on their Narglatch mounts were near in range of the Clone trooper group and spears from the Talz were constantly being thrown." - Painfully worded.
 * 13) *"With little help left and no place to flee, Rex gave all his blaster fire to the incoming Talz and was slightly injured on his left shoulder due to oncoming spears." - Painfully worded.
 * 14) *"However, The Talz soon halted their raging line when three Republic gunships approached the area. Kenobi and Skwalker rejoined Rex, whom was lightly injured on his shoulder. Chuchi saw the injured Chairman trying to stand on his feet and soon confronted the injured man." - What's a raging line? You already said that Rex was injured, no need to say it again. And you don't need to say that Chuchi soon confronted Cho. It happened immediately, not soon.
 * 15) *"By claiming that Cho was out of order and that the Republic was on the Talz's side, their should be peace between the Talz and the Pantorans." - Nonsensically worded.
 * 16) *"Chuchi drew out a spear and slammed it into the snowy ground as a symbol for freedom and peace. Thi-Sen soon drew out a spear and crossed it with Chuchi's on the ground. The Talz were to be friends with the Pantorans and Orto Plutonia was theirs." - What's the source for it being a symbol of freedom and peace? And again, they were never friends, just peaceful.
 * 17) *"Though the battle was part of the Clone Wars and that the Separatists did not engage the Republic, the Battle of Orto Plutonia was crucial for the Republic to establish friends and allies." - Horridly worded. And there's no source that said the battle was crucial. Or that the Republic ended up with friends at the end.
 * 18) *"After the battle, The Talz became friends with the Pantorans and the moon of Pantora was their new home." - Pantora was not the new home of the Talz.
 * 19) *In the BTS you call it Episode 15, however the episodes are never refered to by there number. You also don't need to state the people and objects that are introduced in the episode.
 * 20) *Now, you may notice that this is a lot of objections. That's because this is a very objectionably written article. I apologize if I step on any Inq toes here, but the reason this article has sat on the FAN for so long is that nobody honestly thinks that this article is anywhere near FA quality. Jang, I feel that you need to seriously work on your own writing ability before taking on projects such as this, or anything bigger for that matter. Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 05:23, 2 July 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) **Also, I haven't even bothered to look through the referencing yet, simply bcause so much of the information in the article is straight up incorrect. Darth Trayus  Sith_Emblem.svg ( Trayus Academy ) 05:25, 2 July 2009 (UTC)