Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Adanar


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Adanar

 * Nominated by:  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 03:17, 31 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: 1156 words. Part of FloydProject: Path of Destruction.

(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total/INQCON 5)
Support
 * 1) Assuming Fiolli's objections will be fixed, of course.  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  12:18, 20 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:36, 22 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Much better. &mdash;  Fiolli  {Alpheridies University ComNet} 01:48, 24 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:06, 28 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 5)  CC7567  (talk) 05:11, 31 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) Toprawa and Ralltiir 17:57, September 19, 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Naru
 * 2) * "The Sith eventually repelled the Trandoshan attack and annihilated the remaining Republic forces, and in the end Hsskhor was razed to the ground." Double "and."
 * 3) **Addressed.
 * 4) * "However, Adanar was emotionally scarred and traumatized by the battle." You say ths several times in the article but what about the battle left him traumatized?
 * 5) **Doesn't say.
 * 6) * "Dessel would eventually become Darth Bane, one of the most influential Dark Lords of the Sith in galactic history." This is kindof POVish.
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) ***Saying "influential" is still POVish.
 * 9) ****No it isn't. Canon establishes that he was influential.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:40, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) *****I suppose, though it still depends upon who you ask IU. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:36, 22 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) * "Adanar looked up to and greatly admired Dessel, and was both astonished by Dessel's abilities and trusting in Dessel's leadership." Double "and."
 * 12) **Addressed.
 * 13) ***The sentence hasn't changed. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 20:15, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) ****No, it has changed. I changed the second and to as.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:40, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) *****Oh, sorry. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 07:36, 22 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) *A very good article. NaruHina  Talk Anakinsolo.png 08:50, 2 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) **Thanks for the review.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:35, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 18) Pasta! Pasta!
 * 19) * Throughout the article, the tense needs to be checked. There are a lot of instances of present/future conditional tenses rather than a type of past tense. Please fix this.
 * 20) **Addressed.
 * 21) * "He joined the Sith army in 1,003 BBY, on the same day as his future friend Dessel, and was placed in the Gloom Walkers unit." I think it would be better to reword it so that "future" is not used. It is kind of a gray area regarding perception of tense and time in the article. A clause like "who later became" might fit better and feel more past tense. The sentence will probably need to be split up to accommodate that, which is really fine anyway.
 * 22) **Addressed.
 * 23) * I know this falls under &mdash;but I am bringing it to your attention for during your copyedit&mdash;check your comma usage with quasi-compound sentences. Such as, "Adanar first saw battle in the Battle of Kashyyyk, and later fought in the Battle of Hsskhor&hellip;" No comma here. When I go through it again, I'll fix any that remain.
 * 24) **OK.
 * 25) * "Over the next year, Adanar would fight in scores of battles on half a dozen worlds." (1) Same objection as with Ulabore regarding statistics. (2) Half-a-dozen is not good English. It is a slang idiom.
 * 26) **Addressed.
 * 27) * There are quite a few sentences that border on or are run-ons in the article. While this is a minor one, here is one example: "Adanar and Dessel were placed in the same unit, the Gloom Walkers, under the command of Lieutenant Ulabore and would eventually become good friends." The whole section about becoming friends should probably be in the next sentence. Again, this one is minor, but a few others really should be restructured. Just give it a good copyedit when you fix the tenses. Here is a better example of a sentence that should be split: "Alone and surrounded by enemies, Lieutenant Ulabore panicked, but, luckily for the Gloom Walkers, Dessel was able to lead them on a three-day march back to the main force."
 * 28) **Addressed.
 * 29) * "Dessel would eventually become Darth Bane, one of the most influential Dark Lords of the Sith in galactic history." Naru is right, this is not NPOV.
 * 30) **Addressed. Thanks for the review.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:35, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 31) Few things:
 * 32) * I'd like to see his sex mentioned in the body since it's given in the intro.
 * 33) **Addressed.
 * 34) * Is there any more detail given about how the battle emotionally scarred him?
 * 35) **See above. Doesn't say.
 * 36) *Otherwise, nice work.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 14:03, 7 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 37) **Thanks for the review.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 02:35, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) Toprawa:
 * 39) * You capitalize the rank of "Senior Trooper" in each instance where our Layout Guide otherwise stipulates it should be lower case. Is there any exception here I am unaware of? If not, please de-capitalize.
 * 40) **The rank of "Senior Trooper" is capitalized in Path of Destruction.
 * 41) * Why does he "seem to" retain his sight? Seemed to retain it to whom? "Dessel seemed to retain his sight"
 * 42) **Changed.
 * 43) * Every single sentence of the P/T begins the exact same say. "Adanar did this." "Adanar did that." Please humor me and mix it up a little bit. Toprawa and Ralltiir 00:15, September 13, 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) **Varied.  IFYLOFD  ( You will pay the price for your lack of vision! ) 23:27, September 17, 2009 (UTC)

Comments