Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Lok Durd


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Lok Durd

 * Nominated by: Kilson Likes PIE 15:34, 17 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments:If you add a big white beard, a big red suit, and substituted presents for the giant defoliator missiles, you got a regular Neimoidian Santa. Kilson Likes PIE 15:34, 17 March 2009 (UTC)

(5 Inqs/2 Users/7 Total)
Support
 * 1) Per pre-nom review. -- CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 20:04, 19 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) Per changes addressed in review below; I'm amazed by the article's length for a single appearance.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! )  20:21, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Thefourdotelipsis 22:39, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  —Xwing328 (Talk) 00:10, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) I like Neimoidians. —Tommy9281  Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No quarter given, all exits sealed ) 22:07, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  Grunny  ( Talk ) 06:09, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 7)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  19:40, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Object Comments
 * 1) Lucius's Look
 * 2) * Could you get a better opening quote? Great for the bio, but as an article header, not so much.
 * 3) **Expanded the quote; even though Tee Watt Kaa has dialogue in it, I took it out, since it doesn't matter that much. -- CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 23:36, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * After landing on the planet and creating a small base camp, Lok tested the defoliator on a pair of droids, which turned out to be successful. The bolded is a little redundant, and the base wasn't that small.
 * 5) **Addressed. -- CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 23:36, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * However, he was interrupted by three Jedi, Anakin Skywalker, his Togruta apprentice Ahsoka Tano, and Aayla Secura, who had crash landed on the planet prior to Lok's arrival. It should be: three Jedi : Anakin Skywalker, his Togruta apprentice...
 * 7) **Addressed Kilson
 * 8) ***Changed to: However, he was interrupted by Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, his Togruta apprentice Ahsoka Tano, and Twi'lek Jedi Knight Aayla Secura, who had crash landed on the planet prior to Lok's arrival. -- CC7567  [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 23:36, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 9) * Sometime during the Clone Wars, Lok developed a defoliator weapon, an enhanced radiation weapon that could destroy all living matter while leaving inorganic material unharmed: his own combat troops, the battle droids. It should be: leaving inorganic material unharmed, such as his own combat troops, the battle droids.
 * 10) **Addressed Kilson
 * 11) * The Jedi and the clones were able to reach the colony before Lok and his forces, and told Watt Kaa about the defoliator and that Durd was planning to test it on them. It should be Tee Watt Kaa, as it is the first time you're mentioning him in the section. I would also split the rest of the sentence.
 * 12) **Addressed Kilson
 * 13) * Although his character is captured at the end of the episode, it appears that based on interviews with George Takei, Durd will be a recurring villain in the series. This is speculation.
 * 14) **It's speculation, yes, but it has evidence to an official source. The source gives evidence, and it's not speculation made by ourselves. I'm not sure if there's a policy on that, but I'm leaving it in for now. (The direct quote from the interview: "The final result is a truly memorable new addition to the SWCW universe. One that, even though he won’t say exactly when, appears to be a recurring character for the series.") -- CC7567 [ http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/5f/Rex.png/20px-Rex.png] talk 23:36, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) ***I missed that part in the interview... Sorry!  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 17:56, 29 March 2009 (UTC) 20:21, 30 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) *Otherwise, great job. A surprisingly long article for one appearance, and lots of great supporting quotes and images.  &mdash;Lucius malfoy7  Nute777.png ( Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents! ) 17:56, 29 March 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) Four Dot:
 * 18) * "Lok Durd was an overweight Neimoidian general and weapons developer in the Separatist Droid Army who served in the Clone Wars." - I don't really think that his being overweight is an important biographical detail that needs to be used to introduce him.
 * 19) * You use his first name almost exclusively, which is fairly informal. I'd like to see these instances changed to "Durd," although this isn't really a legal objection, so if you have good reason for doing otherwise, I'll relent. This goes for any other characters who you refer to informally.
 * 20) * "Sometime during the Clone Wars, Lok developed a defoliator weapon," - Whoa! Bang, straight into the story. You have to ease the reader in by introducing Durd. It's fairly simple, just say that he was a portly Neimoidian commander who served in the Confederacy of Independent Systems, or something to that effect.
 * 21) * Sometimes, you're straying too far from Durd's story, and you begin describing what the Jedi are doing. As a suggestion, go with this: Only tell us what Durd knows at a given time. That's the only stuff that is really relevant to his biography, after all, unless there's some huge secret that is revealed later on that you need to set up earlier (IIRC, there is no such thing in the TCW episode).
 * 22) *More to come later. Thefourdotelipsis 01:53, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) Six Hours Later
 * 24) * For instance, this entire paragraph: "The two battle droids were quickly engulfed by the shockwave. Rex and Bly, now realizing they were in danger, tried to run away from the shockwave, but it began to catch up to them. Rex managed to fire the grappling hook of his blaster at the tree and swung to safety, but Bly fell behind. Secura, realizing that he would not survive, swung down from the tree using a vine, picked up Bly and pulled him back to safety." - That has no relevance to Durd whatsoever. That, and any segments like it should be pitched out in their entirety. As a guide, go with this: Don't even mention Secura, Skywalker et al, until the battle itself, because before this, what they do is entirely unrelated to Durd. If you can weed out any info on them before they meet Durd in battle, you'll be OK.
 * 25) * Another such entire paragraph that has to go is the last paragraph of "Testing the defoliator"
 * 26) * And the first paragraph of "Battle of Maridun"
 * 27) * "However, a glance through a pair of electrobinoculars revealed to him the presence of the Jedi" - Bingo. That's where you introduce the Republic forces. Never mind every thing else before that.
 * 28) * "When Skywalker saw that the Separatists were loading the defoliator, he ordered the shield generators to be activated. As a deflector shield enveloped the colony, Skywalker told his Togruta apprentice that if the enemy couldn't beat them from far away, then they would be forced to engaged them in close combat." - But then this, I could copy and paste into my Anakin subpage. You really need to rigorously go through this info, and make sure you're telling it from Durd's perspective.
 * 29) * I don't mean to sound harsh with this review, but basically, you need to remove a hell of a lot of info from this, and make sure what you're left with is telling the story from the given character's perspective. Thefourdotelipsis 08:27, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) **OK, I changed around the info the way you asked. You can reword anything you see wrong on the article if you want, but I can do it instead if you don't want too. Also, I changed around some pictures to fit the new article, what do you think? Kilson Likes PIE 03:43, 24 April 09 (UTC)
 * 31) ***A large improvement, but you still need to change all uses of his first name to his surname. Also, you still have far too much info on the Republic force's movements, and you still have a lot of detail as to their precise movements and sentiments during the battle. If you want, I can make the cuts and changes that are needed, and then you can make any further tweaks you want. I'd be more than happy to do that. Thefourdotelipsis 04:34, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) ****That is way too much work for me to ask you. Don't worry, I'll fix these objections and then you can make any small edits that are needed. Kilson Likes PIE 04:40, 25 April 09 (UTC)
 * 33) *****I shortened it up a little more. Feel free to edit where needed now. Kilson Likes PIE 06:02, 25 April 09 (UTC)
 * 34) ******I've gone ahead and made the required cuts: It's still well over 1000 words. Now, if you feel that my cuts are unfair, feel free to revert, and we'll keep hashing it out. If you're satisfied, however, I'll go ahead and support. Thefourdotelipsis 08:46, 25 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 35) *******I guess it's ok. I would have left a little bit more info, but you're the Ing, so I'll go with what you've done. Kilson Likes PIE 17:53, 25 April 09 (UTC)
 * 36) Xwing328:
 * 37) * "overconfident, condescending, and power-crazed" seems a little too much like OR and POV.
 * 38) * Overall very play-by-play. We don't need so many "he did this, then he did this, then he breathed, then he did this too" details. —Xwing328 (Talk) 18:19, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) **I addressed the two objection. I changed what I said in the PTS to what it said in his databank entry. Kilons Likes PIE 22:42, 26 April 09 (UTC)
 * 40) ***Ick, now I'd say you're on the verge of writing it word-for-word as the DataBank has it. —Xwing328 (Talk) 22:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) ****I tried changing the wording a little, how does it sound now. Kilson Likes PIE 23:37, 03 May 09 (UTC)
 * 42) 1829ymmoT:
 * 43) * Just one. "The general then ordered his second and third squads to charge forward, leaving behind just a few battle droids and the three tanks to guard his own position." What three tanks? This is the first I've heard of 'em. —Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( No quarter given, all exits sealed ) 12:07, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) **I put in that he took three AATs with him at the end of the Testing the defoliator section. Kilson Likes PIE 19:19, 14 May 09 (UTC)