Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Murgoob


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Murgoob

 * Nominated by: ~ SavageBob 01:20, 18 August 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: My first character nom. Please be gentle! ~ SavageBob 01:20, 18 August 2009 (UTC)

(5 Inqs/0 Users/5 Total/INQCON 5)
Support
 * 1) --Eyrezer 09:43, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) —Tommy9281  Dark side Master SWGTCG.jpg ( Talk ) 05:58, 29 August 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 19:25, September 3, 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  CC7567  (talk) 06:24, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) MORE SILLY EWOK NOMS! --  Darth Culator  (Talk) 23:25, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) Just one thing: "His nephew then made an interesting proposition: what if the Duloks could steal the battlewagon and use it against the Ewoks? Murgoob was intrigued." - Could you phrase this to eliminate the question and merge the two sentences? Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 11:06, September 3, 2009 (UTC)
 * 2) *Thanks for your comments! How about now? ~ SavageBob 13:55, September 3, 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Attack of the Clone
 * 4) * Both battles that he participated in should be linked (and since both are in the intro, should also at least get stubs).
 * 5) * "The Soul Trees grew larger, that of Erpham Warrick, the wagon's inventor, front and center." Please check this; it's extremely choppy and isn't flowing well.
 * 6) * "King Gorneesh showed some jealously at the respect other tribe members afforded the old Dulok, and he eagerly tried to show off his leadership skills in front of the Ewok-in-disguise, whom he took to be the genuine article." Is this really necessary to Murgoob's P&T? It sounds as if it would belong in Gorneesh's. Please either try to word it so that its relevancy to Murgoob's personality is clearer or eliminate it.
 * 7) * "Those who came to the oracle for advice saw not the elder himself, but his home, an old, decrepit, hollow tree stump somewhere on the outskirts of the Dulok Swamp. A pond ringed the hovel, and a trail of mossy stones served as a pathway to his short front door. To visit him, penitents had to make a perilous climb to the stump's entryway." Same as above. This wording doesn't clarify its relevancy or warrant its inclusion in the P&T; please try to word it better or remove it.
 * 8) * I would recommend trying to structure your P&T better. "Murgoob rarely ventured from his home" comes out of nowhere, and although it's grouped with the rest of the stuff about his home, the choppy word flow doesn't link it to the rest of the paragraph. You can say "Although Murgroob rarely ventured from his home, he received vistors in a manner" or something similar to help it flow better. (I would normally fix this myself, but as this is your first character article, I feel that you would benefit more from learning by experience.)
 * 9) * This isn't an objection, persay, but overall, the article's prose doesn't always seem appropriate to that of an encyclopedic entry. Some of it sounds like it came out of a storybook (literally), like what Tranner objected to above, and while it's grammatically fine, it's not exactly the right tone for the wiki's formal writing. It's up to you whether or not you want to change it, but I highly recommend it.  CC7567  (talk) 07:43, September 14, 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) **Thank you for your very detailed review! I've gone ahead and stubbed the two battles and fixed the trees growing larger thing, so that should be addressed. As for the rest of your objections, I've got some questions about them.
 * 11) ***I felt it was important to describe where Murgoob fit into his tribal society, to provide some notion of his status. The fact that Gorneesh is intimidated by him speaks to that. Is it better now that I've reworded?
 * 12) **** It's better, but this part is incoherent: "The respect afforded Murgoob by his tribe". Are you trying to say "the respect that his tribe held for him"? If so, please reword it; the phrase isn't working.  CC7567  (talk) 04:35, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 13) *****I'm not sure what you mean. It's meaning #2 of "afford" here, "to make available, give forth, or provide." ~ SavageBob 04:47, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 14) ******The preposition ("to") is what the sentence requires, then, since it's not part of the definition of "afford". "The respect provided Murgoob by his tribe" is what the current wording basically says, and that is improper English.  CC7567  (talk) 05:12, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) *******A quick search of Google Books will reveal that it's perfectly fine English, if a bit old-fashioned. I'm having problems with the pseudo-passive voice of it, though, so I've changed it to something hopefully a bit clearer. ~ SavageBob 05:32, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 16) ***As for the notes on his abode, I'd rather keep them, as its germane to how he lives and how remote he has made himself from the tribe. Is it any better with the reword?
 * 17) ***Does P&T need more work after my latest tweaks?
 * 18) ***Finally, I tried to make the article fun to read. I tried to make the prose engaging, and not boring or stodgy. I am of the belief that an encyclopedia article can be written in such a way that the reader does think of a good story when they read it. That's why this one is as it is, and that at least lets you know where I'm coming from here. Does that make sense? Thanks again; I really do appreciate your feedback. ~ SavageBob 05:20, October 1, 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) ****I guess it's fine, then. Just please be sure not to overdo it.  CC7567  (talk) 04:35, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
 * 20) *****OK, thanks again for the tips. ~ SavageBob 04:47, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

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