Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Davtokk


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Davtokk

 * Nominated by:  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 20:20, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: Anybody gutsy enough to try and take out Cad Bane deserves to have a good article written about them.

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Jonjedigrandmaster  ( Jujiggum ) 00:32, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 2)  Mauser  Comlink 09:29, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 3) Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 13:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4)  CC7567  (talk) 03:22, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 5) User:Clone Commander Lee --Clone Commander Lee 17:42, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6)  Cavalier One FarStar Logo.jpg( Squadron channel ) 08:38, 23 June 2009 (UTC)

Object
 * 1) The Grand Master
 * 2) * "He tried to kill Bane to collect the bounty on his head, but killed a decoy instead." The meaning of this sentence is somewhat obscure. (I know what you mean, but it could be worded better). Maybe change it so that you don't have to use "tried".
 * 3) **How's that read now? -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 00:15, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 4) * Please reword the first sentence of the bio (grammar).
 * 5) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 00:15, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 6) * In the bio you use "claim" and "claiming" very close to each other. Could you change one of these, to keep from being too repetitive?
 * 7) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 00:15, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 8) * Also, is there anything that actually confirms he is human? Could he not be a near-human?
 * 9) **I removed instances of Human, but I'm sure there have been other cases where Human was tolerated based on pictorial evidence alone. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 00:15, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 10) * Jonjedigrandmaster ( Jujiggum ) 20:46, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 11) **Thanks for the review. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 00:15, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 12) Mauser:
 * 13) * "Davtokk narrowly evaded two attempts to capture him by two different bounty hunters before being shot through the leg by Aurra Sing, yet another hunter." - Bad flow of the sentence and repeative use of the word "hunter" in this one and the next sentence.
 * 14) **Unfortunately, they are all bounty hunters, so I was trying to alternate between over-using "bounty hunter" by sometimes shortening it to just hunter. Any suggestion would be welcomed. I tried rewording a little bit. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 15) * Perharps you could expand the intro a bit by introducing Robonino and Shahan Alama in it, rather than the body?
 * 16) **I had done so before, but I was advised by another member of the AC to actually shorten the intro, so I chose to trim that part down. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 17) * Is Alama's net not a Razor net?
 * 18) **Not specified. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 19) * "Believing he had eluded capture, his escape was cut short": the escape believed it had eluded capture? ;)
 * 20) **I'm sorry, I'm not seeing anything wrong with that sentence, but I reworded slightly. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 21) * Expand the BTS. Say that he was created by Pablo Hidalgo, drawn by Thomas Hodges, appeared in the webcomic leading to the Hostage Crisis - all the usuall stuff.
 * 22) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 23) *Otherwise looks good.  Mauser  Comlink 15:02, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 24) **Thanks for looking it over. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 25) From the Moffship of Grand Moff Tranner:
 * 26) * Place of death needs to be in the infobox.
 * 27) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 28) * "Around 22 BBY he was invited to the planet of Keyorin for a job interview with Duros hunter Cad Bane. Choosing to instead collect the bounty on Bane's head, Davtokk shot Bane, only to find that what he destroyed was actually a droid decoy." - There needs to be something between being invited to Keyorin and shooting Bane; it's rather abrupt right now. Perhaps you could mention that upon arriving on Keyorin, Davtokk went to (wherever) for a meeting with Bane, then say "Choosing to instead..."
 * 29) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 30) * "...Davtokk, a male bounty hunter, accepted an invitation to meet fellow bounty hunter Cad Bane, who was holding job interviews. He traveled to the "Hunter's World" of Keyorin, and was directed to the Duros hunter's location by a Techno-service droid." - like Mauser's one objection: "hunter" is used way too many times.
 * 31) **How's it look now? -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 32) * You say in the infobox that he has blue hair, but in the P&T, you mention his hair was "blueish-black." Which is it?
 * 33) **Blueish-black, corrected in infobox. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 34) * "Davtokk's armor was of a design similar to Mandalorian Shock Trooper armor, minus the signature T-visor helmet. It is unclear if he was in fact a Mandalorian, or just made use of like armor." - this is speculation, and needs to be removed.
 * 35) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 36) * You have him in Category:Humans, yet there is no mention of his species in the article or infobox.
 * 37) **Yep, just forgot to remove that. Done now. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 38) *Not bad. Just a few minor things and this will pass in no time. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 22:14, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 39) **Thanks for the review. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 05:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 40) ***Just a note: I corrected a few grammatical errors and reworded the BTS slightly (I linked directly to the webcomic and then removed the redundant reference). Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research.svg (Comlink) 13:00, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 41) Attack of the Clone
 * 42) * The current wording in the intro suggests that Davtokk decided on the spot to kill Bane, where it appeared in the comic that his intentions were already clarified. I would suggest a slight rewording.
 * 43) **Done, how's it look now? -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 02:54, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 44) * Can you get that date in the body somewhere?
 * 45) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 02:54, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 46) ***Striking, but see new objection below.
 * 47) * The bio is a little to sub-paragraphed; I would suggest trying to merge two of the shorter ones. (Probably those first two.)
 * 48) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 02:54, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 49) * Was it a flash bomb or a flash-bang grenade that he used? I'm not sure myself, but I'd like this clarified.
 * 50) **It's not specified, but looking at both articles, the illustration definitely looks more like a flash-bang grenade, not a flash bomb, because Alama clearly wasn't injured. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 02:54, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 51) * Can the P&T get a quote? I know that Davtokk didn't say that much, but I think there's enough dialogue in the comic to be found. If one can't be found appropriate (i.e. without reusing dialogue), then that's fine.
 * 52) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 02:54, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 53) * CC7567  (talk) 19:22, 15 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 54) **Thanks for looking it over. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 02:54, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 55) * Can the bio start better without blatantly stating "prior to a hostage crisis"? I think it would be better to state here that Bane set the trap for Davtokk in order to test his accomplices for the raid on the Senate, while maintaining later in the bio that Davtokk realized he had been fooled by the droid doppelganger.
 * 56) **Maybe not exactly as you've stated, but did rework it. Moved the part about the raid on the senate to the last paragraph where Bane revealed the truth. How's it work for you now? -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 03:18, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 57) * Can you get in something about Davtokk's ambition? He showed a bit of ambition in attempting to kill the "renowned bounty hunter, Cad Bane." Not to the point where it's POV-oriented or speculative, but I think something can be said.  CC7567  (talk) 03:02, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
 * 58) **Done. -  JMAS  Hey, it's me! 03:18, 16 June 2009 (UTC)

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