Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Ommin


 * ''The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Ommin

 * Nominated by: —Tommy9281 ( Safe harbor, my friend. ) 00:57, 30 April 2008 (UTC)
 * Nomination comments: I just recently overhauled this article, to comply with current GA standards. I'd like to see where it goes from here.

(6 Inqs/0 User/6 Total)
Support
 * 1) Nice job. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:16, 11 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 2)  Chack Jadson  (Talk)  22:06, 13 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 3)  Graestan ( Talk ) 12:00, 21 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 4) --  Darth Culator  (Talk) 22:03, 23 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 5) Thefourdotelipsis 01:22, 24 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 6) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 11:24, 24 May 2008 (UTC)

Object Grass clippings: Comments
 * 1) Ackbar:
 * 2) * Unless there is so reason for doing so that I'm missing, "legitimate" doesn't seem necessary, IMHO.
 * 3) **Yeah, I said legitimate because during that time, Oron Kira became king through his marriage to Galia. Then Oron officially took over.
 * 4) ***Fair enough. I'm not sure it's strictly necessary without an explanation, but it's no biggie.
 * 5) *" &hellip;a conflict between the followers of Freedon Nadd against the Jedi Order, Galactic Republic, and Beast Riders from the planet's wilderness" is also, IMHO, unnecessary for the fist sentence of the intro, and a little confusing, too.
 * 6) **Addressed.
 * 7) * First paragraph of the intro is quite confusing. Try to keep things simple and keep things in chronological order.
 * 8) **Addressed.
 * 9) ***Much better.
 * 10) * You mention twice that he was thought dead.
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * This isn't particularly relevant to Ommin himself, but is it actually referred to as a Dark Side Army (with the capatalization)?
 * 13) **Yes, it's referred to as the "Dark Side Army", but it was only done so in the audio drama, and I capatilized it because it was given that name.
 * 14) * Each of the first three sentences in the "Sith training" section use some form of colon. I think it would read better if reworded to remove at least one of them.
 * 15) **Addressed.
 * 16) * Have you checked Tales of the Jedi Companion thoroughly for info? Two refs seems little, though I may be wrong.
 * 17) **I don't have the companion, so whatever is there that is referenced by it was already there. Stuff like that I tried not to change, because I knew I couldn't eactually verify it myself. If there is more, then I'll just have to find the damn thing somewhere & buy it :)
 * 18) **Sorted in IRC; let me know if there's any new stuff in it.
 * 19) *I'll read the rest of this later. It looks good, and I'm glad you've decided to try another FAN. :-) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 20:33, 30 April 2008 (UTC)
 * 20) *Thanks much looking, Ackbar. —Tommy9281 ( Safe harbor, my friend. ) 17:03, 1 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 21) **No problem. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 21:48, 4 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 22) From the Press Box of Chack Jadson:
 * 23) * "It was believed that King Ommin was deceased, but this was not the case. Rumors of Ommin actually being alive were unfounded until the death of Amanoa in 4,000 BBY at the hands of the Jedi." Perhaps merge these sentences like He was believed dead until...
 * 24) **Addressed.
 * 25) * "Someday, Ommin decided, he would corrupt his daughter Galia to be the heir of the dark side as well." Reword to avoid using corrupt.
 * 26) **Addressed.
 * 27) * "but one would assume such details were of little relevance to the sorcerer-King." Too much speculation.
 * 28) **Addressed.
 * 29) * "Galia gasped in horror at the sight of her father, who appeared old and withered, and was also connected to a complex life support system." I’d suggest removing the appeared old and withered part because you say the same thing a few sentences later.
 * 30) **Addressed.
 * 31) * "...smothered Master Arca by smothering him with waves of dark side energy." Too many smotherings.
 * 32) **lol I didn't even realize that. Addressed.
 * 33) * Link Aleema and Satal when they’re first mentioned.
 * 34) **Addressed.
 * 35) * "Freedon Nadd, after guiding the Ketos into the subterranean chambers of the palace, arrived by Ommin's side, who begged for Nadd's assistance." This reads a little awkward. It sounds as though Nadd is begging.
 * 36) **Addressed.
 * 37) * Could you expand on what Kad’s failure was?
 * 38) **Addressed...I think.
 * 39) * "His most "prized possession" however (as referred to by him), was the Jedi Master Arca Jeth, whom Ommin had captured and imprisoned." I’d suggest you remove the parentheses here and in the following sentence too.
 * 40) **Addressed.
 * 41) * "He was apparently able to create these spirits as well. According to the sorcerer-King, he could subject individuals to the power of the dark side so heavily, that they would be forced to call on its power to save themselves, thereby giving in to it. When the victim could endure no longer, their body would be destroyed; Ommin would then resurrect them as a dark side spirit." Please rephrase this. It doesn’t really flow.
 * 42) **Addressed...I think.
 * 43) *Don't be fooled by the objections, this is an excellent article.  Chack Jadson  (Talk) 23:36, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 44) **Thanks Chack. It's always reassuring to hear that from you. If anything else is required, please let me know. —Tommy9281 ( Safe harbor, my friend. ) 00:43, 9 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 45) From the Merciless Hammer of Toprawa:
 * 46) * Please rewrite to avoid the "it." Specify who believed he was dead: "It was believed that King Ommin was deceased"
 * 47) **Addressed.
 * 48) *** Still doesn't tell me who believed he was dead: "King Ommin was was believed to have been deceased"
 * 49) ****Addressed properly now.
 * 50) * You don't specify how he survived or it was revealed that he was alive. Please clarify: "rumors of him actually being alive were unfounded until the death of Amanoa in 4,000 BBY at the hands of the Jedi. Ommin then returned to the forefront of Onderonian events"
 * 51) **Addressed.
 * 52) * I don't know what this means: " until he was passed the threshold of escaping its thrall."
 * 53) **Addressed.
 * 54) * You just used "and as a result" in the previous sentence. Please reword: "The trappings of a metal support frame severely restricted Ommin's mobility, and as a result,"
 * 55) **Addressed.
 * 56) * You never explained that he somehow lost power of the planet: "Ommin in turn plotted to take the planet back from his daughter and the Beast Lord, and reclaim the throne as rightful King of Onderon."
 * 57) **Addressed.
 * 58) * POVish: "In a bold attack"
 * 59) **Addressed.
 * 60) *Finish these up and we'll continue. Toprawa and Ralltiir 04:34, 9 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 61) **All done. I'll be waiting. —Tommy9281 ( Safe harbor, my friend. ) 13:48, 9 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 62) * POV: "five of the bravest Jedi Knights"
 * 63) **Addressed.
 * 64) * This is also POVish. This suggests that he is somehow immoral in his actions: " He was also was not above sacrificing"
 * 65) **LOL and you think he's not? I hear what you are saying tho & i'ts been addressed, no sweat;)
 * 66) * Same POV. I've noticed you like to use this phrasing in your writing. Please cut it: "Ommin was not above torturing individuals"
 * 67) **Addressed.
 * 68) * Remove or otherwise rewrite speculation: " He was apparently able to create these spirits as well."
 * 69) **Addressed.
 * 70) * This sentence is just kind of funny. Please rewrite it: "Although Ommin's energy attacks in the comics appear different than the Force lightning of the Star Wars movies, The Dark Side Sourcebook confirms that Ommin knew such a feat."
 * 71) **That sentence was actually unnecessary, so I removed it. Addressed.
 * 1) * Image:King Ommin.jpg has visible comic frame. Image:Ommingalia.JPG is of low quality and could use a rescan, as could Image:Omminattack.JPG. Image:MechanicalExoskeleton.jpg has visible frame.
 * 2) **Addressed, with assistance from Greyman.
 * 3) ***Image:King Ommin.jpg and Image:Omminattack.JPG still have visible comic frame.
 * 4) * The other uses template at top is unnecessary, and should be limited to the two articles with "Omin" in their spelling.
 * 5) **Attributed to whoever worked this before I came through. Addressed.
 * 6) * "Powerful" in the intro is unnecessary and POVish&mdash;besides, he was a bit small-time for a Sith, wasn't he?
 * 7) **Addressed.
 * 8) * Intro should probably be expanded a bit and revisited. Try three paragraphs, and mention his tutelage under his father.
 * 9) **Addressed, I think.
 * 10) * The phrase "further perpetuating Nadd's legacy through the generations" does not seem to be necessary.
 * 11) **Addressed.
 * 12) * Did he really have to grow in power to assume kingship? I think not; it was hereditary. Please change. Also, please explain Iziz's role on Onderon in that sentence.
 * 13) **Addressed.
 * 14) * "Amanoa did not suspect Ommin's dark side allegiance for many years, but when she did, she attempted to break the bond between him and his Sith ancestor, but to no avail; he had become too strong, and the very blood of the ancient Dark Lord ran through his veins." – This is rather ponderous, and should be broken up.
 * 15) **Addressed.
 * 16) * Oh, the term "sorcerer-couple" just has to go.
 * 17) **Heh, addressed.
 * 18) * First paragraph of "The Freedon Nadd Uprising" needs to be fleshed out, to explain what had happened with the Beast Wars. Feel free to source earlier issues, even though they aren't appearances of Ommin's.
 * 19) **Addressed.
 * 20) *I must put this here as a "shaking fist" to previous reviewers: which knocked Jeth was knocked back. I fixed it, though.
 * 21) **Sorry. That is a testament to how your brain takes over and makes common sense of what you are reading even though what you are reading is written wrong. (Say that three times fast) Thanks.
 * 22) * The sentence "The Freedon Nadd Uprising was fully underway" does not belong at the end of a paragraph about the Republic's mobilization. Please remove.
 * 23) **Addressed
 * 24) * Please change the next few sentences from the imperfect past tense to the full past tense. Was doing --> did, and so forth.
 * 25) **Addressed
 * 26) * Last sentence of "The battle for Onderon" and first sentence of "Treachery of a Sith Lord" are redundant.
 * 27) **Addressed.
 * 28) * The term "sorcerer-King" appears far too many times, and if the term itself is not canon, I don't think we should use it&mdash;it reads as though it is from the source material as is.
 * 29) **I figured I had to be consistent, hence the multiple uses. Also, I never saw it anywhere specifically called that, I just put 2&2 together. Easily rectified. Addressed.
 * 30) * "August" cannot be the right word, here. Please change it, or simply remove it.
 * 31) **Addressed. (I didn't put that there)
 * 32) * Referring to Ommin as a Prince? Was he ever said to have been one in the sources?
 * 33) **I believe it does in DSS, but I don't have it with me, so I'll check when I get home. But logic tells me that as the previous King's son, Ommin was a prince.
 * 34) ***That's speculative, and no, the source material does not refer to him as such. Graestan ( Talk ) 17:02, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 35) ****I forgot to remove that after I looked. Addressed.
 * 36) * I'm not so sure he was fond of tricking people into coming close, rather it was simply necessary. Please change.
 * 37) **Addressed.
 * 38) ***"found it necessary to" is the phrase I speak of. Please revise. Graestan ( Talk ) 17:02, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 39) ****Addressed.
 * 40) * I wouldn't link to Force nexus unless the term is used in TOTJ.
 * 41) **Gotcha, I used the term based on the article's BTS. Addressed.
 * 42) ***Nothing in TOTJ states that it is the specific "Force nexus" phenomenon, so linking to this is inaccurate. Please remove. Graestan ( Talk ) 17:02, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 43) ****Addressed.
 * 44) * The Palpatine connection in the BtS is original research, and does not belong.
 * 45) **Again, that was there before I got here, and I was conflicted about changing it, as the article was already GA by whatever standards were in place. Easily rectified. Addressed.
 * 46) ***It doesn't belong, in my opinion. Please remove it. Graestan ( Talk ) 17:02, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 47) ****Addressed.
 * 48) * "Ommin's unnamed father" in the succession box should be changed, as he must have had a name.
 * 49) **I've never seen his name in any source/appearence, and I can't think of anything else to call him.
 * 50) ***Simply "Ommin's father." To call him unnamed is either inaccurate (since we don't know if he had a name or not in-universe) or out-of-universe. Graestan ( Talk ) 17:02, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 51) ****Addressed.
 * 52) * Graestan ( Talk ) 04:23, 17 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 53) The BtS should be beefed up a bit, explaining his role as the main villain (or one of them, I suppose) in FNU and what sources fleshed out his backstory. That's my only objection. Good work.  -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 22:34, 23 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 54) *Addressed. Thanks again, Ackbar. —Tommy ( Clean face and hands ) The Anvil 23:39, 23 May 2008 (UTC)
 * 55) **Good job. Exactly what I was looking for. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 11:24, 24 May 2008 (UTC)
 * "By this time, he had also grown enough in skill to summon Nadd's spirit and also ." - Does not compute. I suspect something has been deleted from there, accidentally. "Coruscant in turn commissioned the entire Republic war-fleet in defense of Onderon," - I'm not sure that's correct usage of the word "commissioned," though due to my lack of knowledge on the subject, I'm afraid I can't help you out there. Perhaps just that the fleet was sent to deal with the Onderon situation, or something, would read a lot better. Thefourdotelipsis 00:19, 24 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Addressed, and addressed. Thanks for looking Fourdot! —Tommy ( Clean face and hands ) The Anvil 01:02, 24 May 2008 (UTC)


 * This was a GA that I found one day to be seriously lacking. I didn't originally take it to GA but I wouldn't mind presenting this as my second forage on the FAN. —Tommy9281 ( Safe harbor, my friend. ) 00:59, 30 April 2008 (UTC)
 * Again, thanks for looking. I hope everything has been addressed satisfactorily. If not, you know how to find me;) —Tommy ( Clean face and hands ) 17:45, 11 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Thank you Graestan for looking. I hope everything has been addressed to your satisfaction. You know how to locate me otherwise ;)
 * Don't know what the heck happened, but these things (I thought) were resolved already. At any rate, they are now. Many apologies. —Tommy ( Clean face and hands ) The Anvil 18:51, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
 * Just a suggestion: In terms of illustrating the text with the images, it might do to move the first image down a section, so the description of whatsisface needing the wire frame matches with the picture that we, as the reader, are also looking at. The same goes for the image of Ommin attacking Jeth: It wouldn't hurt to move the image down a paragraph. Thefourdotelipsis 00:19, 24 May 2008 (UTC)