Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Crys (second nomination)

Crys

• Nominated by: TK-462 (talk) 17:26, April 15, 2020 (UTC)
• Nomination comments:

Support

1. Shayanomer (talk) 17:23, May 4, 2020 (UTC)

Object

Shayanomer

• Since the clone is shown to be blonde, "black hair" and the fact that he "dyed" his hair should be removed from here, since the latter seems a little speculatory.
• "After completing the robolobotomy, Crys gave a brief report to Kenobi. Crys worked closely with Commander Cody and General Kenobi, with Kenobi passing orders to his forces through Crys." I would remove this from the Skills, since it doesn't really talk about them.
• 212th is missing from the body.
  • Fixed the above. --TK-462 (talk) 12:47, April 16, 2020 (UTC)
• You have a number of reference issues:

• You've sourced Grievous' escape to the Databank, which doesn't have this info.
• You've also sourced the battle directly to Galactic Atlas. Like your Mixer nomination, a date note is required here.
  • The Battle of Saleucami page states that the battle occurred in 21 BBY, is this inaccurate, or did I just need to add some context to the reference? --TK-462 (talk) 12:47, April 16, 2020 (UTC)
    • The book doesn't directly date the battle, so you will need to create a note stating why it takes place in that year. Shayanomer (talk) 12:51, April 16, 2020 (UTC)
• In the BTS, you only need to source the air date to the episode guide, the rest of the info can be sourced to the episode. Shayanomer (talk) 07:00, April 16, 2020 (UTC)
  • Fixed the above, excepting the previous question. --TK-462 (talk) 12:51, April 16, 2020 (UTC)
    • The Grievous reference is still outstanding. Shayanomer (talk) 20:20, April 16, 2020 (UTC)
      • I believe that should have it fixed. I'm a bit iffy regarding that specific case, but I think the references are in a more comprehensible order now. --TK-462 (talk) 06:45, April 17, 2020 (UTC)
        • For future reference, you only need to source words like "Outer Rim" and "planet" to the databank, the planet's name can be covered by the episode itself. Shayanomer (talk) 08:37, April 17, 2020 (UTC)
        • Thanks, I appreciate the help. --TK-462 (talk) 14:51, April 17, 2020 (UTC)

• Missing voice actor.
• Date issue: Body says "21 BBY," yet date note says the event took place between 21 and 20 BBY.
• "Crys accompanied Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi, Clone Commander CC-2224 "Cody," Clone Captain CT-7567 "Rex" and many other Republic troops and vehicles." Where did Crys accompany them to?
• AT-TE will need a little context, like "AT-TE walkers." Shayanomer (talk) 18:48, April 22, 2020 (UTC)
  • Done. TK-462 (talk) 22:27, April 22, 2020 (UTC)
• Ref issue in the Biography: 212th and Grand Army are sourced to the clone trooper reference.
• "Grievous' landing craft was damaged, and crashed on the planet, although several escape pods managed to launch." The flow of this sentence can be improved.
• "...before deducing that the droids were too damaged for any good intelligence." Were they trying to acquire said intelligence? It should be made clear here.
• Small inconsistency between the second and third paragraphs: You say the droid was brought into a tank, then say the group was inside a walker.
• Personality and traits can be restructured to improve the flow, preferably split into two separate sentences. Shayanomer (talk) 09:23, April 27, 2020 (UTC)
• Since we can clearly see Crys' face unmasked, the info about the eyes and skin in the clone trooper reference is unnecessary and can be sourced to the episode itself. Shayanomer (talk) 08:48, April 28, 2020 (UTC)
  • Fixed. TK-462 (talk) 01:09, April 29, 2020 (UTC)
    • That information is still in the reference and should be removed. Shayanomer (talk) 07:15, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
      • I was testing to see if you saw through the lies of the Jedi, you passed. Oh and it's fixed. TK-462 (talk) 08:00, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
        • The height didn't need to be removed. Shayanomer (talk) 12:35, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
          • Fixed. TK-462 (talk) 14:11, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
• The intro can be expanded a bit to elaborate on Crys' actions. Shayanomer (talk) 14:15, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
  • Added a sentance to help expand on his actions and skills. TK-462 (talk) 14:47, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
    • Now there's an inconsistency, intro says he dismantled many droids while body says he dismantled one of them. Shayanomer (talk) 15:58, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
      • My bad! That should be the last issue for that particular problem, lol. TK-462 (talk) 17:33, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
• You should elaborate more on "the droids" here: "Crys accompanied the AT-TE walkers, Kenobi, and Commander Cody to an escape pod, and inspected a destroyed B1 battle droid for any possible intelligence before deducing that the droids were too damaged for any reliable information to be extracted." Shayanomer (talk) 17:47, May 1, 2020 (UTC)
  • Fixed. I believe that was a continuity error from the original article that I missed, so I just removed the plural. TK-462 (talk) 17:18, May 4, 2020 (UTC)

Ben

• Both clauses in the first biography sentence start with "was a." This should be revised.
• I have some gripes with the final paragraph:
  • "Later, General Kenobi asked if they found any data, to which they briefed him that the droid's escape pod crashed to avoid a mid-air collision with another pod, which was the remaining escape pod that needed to be located." Firstly I think it would sound better if you wrote it like "When Kenobi later asked if they had found any date, they brief him&hellip"
  • The latter two clauses for the sentence above start similarly and so I'd rather see the final clause attached to the part about Grevious heading for the pod.
  • "General Grievous was heading towards that same escape pod, and Cody was able to pinpoint the pod's location." these two clauses don't look like they relate to each other enough. In addition to the objection above, I think this sentence should also be split so that the last sentence introduced Cody locating the pot and then them going to it and a battle starting, if that makes sense to you. Ben sc01t ^{(Hello there)} 21:10, May 16, 2020 (UTC)

Ratts

• "Intelligence" in the opening links to an Imperial organization.
• "As Grievous descended upon the planet, his landing craft was damaged and was forced to jettison numerous escape pods, one of which included the general himself." The ship can't be forced to jettison escape pods, but the crew be forced to flee.
• "…a fellow clone trooper spotted an undamaged battle droid." Not sure "undamaged" is the best word choice here, as that implies the droid is working fine, whereas in the episode it's "unconscious." RattsT (talk) 06:02, May 17, 2020 (UTC)

QGJ

• It is general practice for clone trooper articles to establish their relation to Jango Fett in the biography as well, not just the P&T.
• This sentence should probably be broken in two. During the Clone Wars between the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Galactic Republic, the Confederacy Supreme Commander of the Droid Army, General Grievous, escaped to the surface of the Outer Rim planet Saleucami in a C-9979 landing craft during the Battle of Saleucami, following an engagement with the Republic Navy between 21 BBY and 20 BBY.
• I'm assuming that "it" refers to the battle droid here. However, it is also feasible that Kenobi ordered to bring the entire escape pod aboard the walker. Please clarify to avoid any potential confusion. Soon after, a fellow clone trooper spotted an undamaged battle droid inside the escape pod, and Kenobi ordered it to be brought into one of the AT-TE walkers.
• P&T. Is the fact that the robolobotomy was performed aboard the walker relevant here? Would he have any less skill in that task if it were performed out in the open? He also had the skill to successfully perform a robolobotomy on a B1 battle droid inside an AT-TE walker,
• Equipment. Based on available information, it's better to clarify that he was equipped with Phase I armor during the Battle of Saleucami specifically. There is a possibility that Crys switched to Phase II armor later on, so we should be careful with the wording here.
• (Reviewing note) Keep in mind that "blonde" is a female-only adjective, the male equivivalent being "blond". It is one of the few gender-specific adjectives in English, as it was originally loaned from French. QuiGonJinn ^(Talk) 12:58, May 22, 2020 (UTC)